Chapter 23 twenty one

Those days of intimacy with Edmee were both wonderful and terrible to me.Seeing Edmee all the time, I'm not afraid to be a person who doesn't know what to do, since she herself asks me to stay with her, read to her, chat everywhere, share her tender care for her father, and intervene like a brother and sister. Half of her life, which is of course a great blessing, but also dangerous, because the volcano in my breast revived.Certain flustered words and embarrassed glances betrayed my mood.Edmee was not blind, but she was still elusive; her deep black eyes, like her father's, looked at me with single-minded concern, but were often suddenly cold when my passion was about to explode.Her expression at that time showed only an unshakable will and an indomitable curiosity to read my mind, while she did not let me see anything of her own.

My pains, sharp though they were, were at first dear to me; and my heart gladly offered them to Edmee as a penance for my past sins.I hope she figured it out and thanked me for it.She saw it and said nothing.I became more and more distressed, but some days passed before I lost the power of concealment.I say days, because to any man who loves a woman, is alone with her, and has to restrain himself because of her exacting demands, each day is equivalent to a century.How full and how difficult life seemed!How depressed and how irritable!How loving and how outrageous!I feel that the days seem like years; and today, if I do not correct the errors of my memory by the dates, I can easily believe that these two months have occupied half my life.

Perhaps I would have liked to believe it, in order to excuse my ridiculous and reprehensible conduct, for, in spite of my new good resolutions, I had reverted to my old bad habits.The relapse was swift and comprehensive, and if I hadn't paid dearly for it (as you will see shortly), I would still be blushing now. I passed a restless night, and wrote Edmee a thoughtless letter, which nearly had dire consequences for me; You don't love me at all, Edmee, and you never will.I Know it in your heart, don't make any demands, don't hold any hopes.i just want to stay By your side, I have given my life to serve you and defend you.just for you

Useful, I will do all I can; I will suffer, though I Cover it up and you can tell.I can't hide long like a hero My sorrow, and you may attribute this melancholy to some unrelated s reason.Yesterday, you persuaded me to go out to "take some time to relax", which hurt deeply I.How can I relax without you, Edmee!You are playing with me What a bitter joke!Don't torture me, my poor sister, because Then you became my domineering fiancée in those inauspicious days...and I don't Involuntarily became the robber you hate again... Ah!if you knew me better What a misfortune, you will forgive me!There are two people in me who are fighting to the death.

unremitting struggle.Be sure to believe that the robber will fall; but he He resisted at every step and roared like thunder, for he felt bruised and mortally wounded. fatal blow.If you knew, Edmee, if you knew what struggle, what conflict is tearing my breast, what my heart is bleeding What blood and tears, the part of my mind ruled by the devil keeps burning What kind of anger, that's fine!Some nights I suffer, in dreams In the nightmare, I seem to pick up a dagger and stab your heart, through some kind of insidious magic to force you to love me as I love you.When I woke up, I was scared

Cold sweat, helpless, distraught, wishing to really kill you, in order to Eliminate the source of my distress.If I don't act, it's because I Worried, even after you die, I'll be as obsessed with you as you were alive you.I am afraid of being contained, ruled, and dominated by your image, just like I am now It's like being at the mercy of yourself.Besides, a man cannot forget that he loves and awes woman; once she is gone, she will live on in his heart.insane A lover's heart is his lover's coffin, and forever treasures her burning body, so that So feed yourself, inexhaustible... But, my God!my mind is confused

Extremely!See, Edmee, how wretched my spirits are, poor have mercy on me.Be patient, let me be sad, don't doubt my loyalty sincerity.I am often crazy, but I will always love you.you say a word, A wink can remind me of my sense of responsibility; if only you would remind me Come on, this duty is sweet to me... as I write to you When I wrote, Edmee, the sky was filled with clouds heavier and darker than lead; Phantoms of torment in purgatory seem to wander in blinding lightning, my soul Under the weight of the storm, my confused thoughts burst from the horizon The flashes of light flashed, flickering and flickering.I feel like the whole person is like a storm

To attack.Ah, if I could raise my voice to thee like thunder! If only I could give vent to the anguish and frenzy that torments me!As usual, when When the storm blows over the great oak woods, you say you like to see how the wind howls and tree resistance.You say that this is a struggle between two powerful forces; you believe that from Distinguish the curse of the strong wind from the noise of the draft and the pain of the ancient branches moan.Which is worse, Edmee, the tree of resistance, or the attack In the exhausted wind?Isn't it always the wind that yields in the end and stands still

?At this time, the Lord Tian was saddened by the failure of his noble son, and he burst into tears. It rains, pouring down on the ground.You like these crazy images, Ed May; you smile cruelly whenever you see the strength subdued by resistance; Your mysterious gaze seems to despise my misfortune.well, no doubt, you Has thrown me to the ground; though broken, I still suffer.remember Well, since you want to know, since you have no sympathy to ask me Ask, feigning sympathy for me.I'm tormented, but I don't try anymore The foot of the proud conqueror on the breast of me, the loser.

The letter is long, rambling, and absurd throughout; the rest is written in the same terms.It was not the first time I had written to Edmee, though we lived under the same roof and parted only at recess.Driven by passion, I could not help writing to her in my sleep.I never felt it was enough to talk to her about her, to promise her my obedience endlessly, and to break my promise at any moment; but this letter was bolder and more passionate than any other right now.Perhaps this letter was destined to be written under the influence of the storm that broke out in the sky, and I bent over the table, sweating on my brow, and my palms dry and hot, feverishly describing my pain.I slipped downstairs into the parlour, put Edmee the Lettersman's red basket, and as I flung myself on the bed, I seemed to feel a great peace, akin to despair.As dawn breaks, dark clouds pass across the horizon, carrying the storm to other regions.The branches are covered with francs, and they are still swaying in the cool breeze.Deeply grieved, but blindly true to pain, I fell asleep relieved at last, as if I had sacrificed my life and my hope.Edmee did not appear to have found my letter, for she had no reaction.She is used to giving verbal answers.These letters were for me a means of provoking her confession of brotherhood; I must be content with this friendship, which at least applied a balm to my wounds.I had thought that this time my letter would either bring a decisive interpretation, or be ignored.I suspect that the priest took the letter and threw it into the fire.I complained that Edmee was contemptuous and hard-hearted; but I swallowed it.

The next day, when the rain cleared, my uncle was driving around in the car, and told us that he didn't want to die until he had done one last mass shooting of the foxes.He was enthusiastic about this pastime; his health had returned to such a degree that he revived in him a feeble desire for amusement and action.A very light narrow carriage, drawn by strong female mules, was galloped over our wood and sandy road; he had made a small chase or two, which we deliberately arranged for He relieves boredom.Since the visit of the ascetic monks, the knight seems to have begun a new life.Like all members of his family, he was powerful, stubborn, and seemed smothered without passion, whose blood boiled instantly at the slightest call to his willpower.As he insisted so much on this plan of the hunt, Edmee undertook to organize, with my help, a large exodus, in which she herself took an active part.One of the good old man's pleasures was to see her ride, prancing bravely round his cart, and offering him flowers and twigs from the bushes that passed by.Everything is arranged: I will accompany her on horseback, and the priest will accompany the knight in a carriage.The whole team of gamekeepers, forest rangers, hound servants, and even poachers from the Varennes region were invited to participate in this grand family hunt.The pantry prepared a sumptuous meal for the triumphant return, including many goose pies and local wine.Marcus was already my agent at Mopra Rock, and he knew the art of fox hunting well, and spent two full days plugging up the fox's burrows.Several young Bernons nearby were interested in beating the woods to drive out prey, and could provide useful advice when necessary, and they volunteered to participate.Patience, despite his aversion to exterminating innocent animals, finally agreed to join the hunt as a bystander.On the appointed day, in an early morning with a mild wind and sun, befitting our merry schemes and my inescapable destiny, there was a gathering of fifty men with horns, horses, and hunting party.The day should have ended with a disastrous defeat for the rabbits, who were too numerous; they could easily be wiped out in great numbers by suddenly surrounding that part of the woods which had not been searched during the hunt.We each carried a carbine, and my uncle had one, so that he could shoot from the car; Edmee rode on a lively Limousin mule, urging the horse to a quick gallop, and holding back the rein to keep it from advancing, in a way that pleased her old father a lot.During the first two hours she hardly moved away from the carriage, and the restored knight smiled at her from the inside with tears of joy.Due to the rotation of the earth, we are carried into the night every night to bid farewell to the radiant sun that is about to rule another hemisphere. Likewise, the old man thinks that his daughter's youth, vigor and beauty will survive his death in another generation If he went on, he would no longer regret saying goodbye to his life. Edmee must have inherited the martial spirit of the family, for a calm mind is not always able to control the boiling blood; and when the hunting circle was closed, she was at the mercy of her father, whose greatest desire was to see her ride galloping— After repeated gestures, he made concessions and went to chase the hunters who had chased out the wild beasts. They had already walked a little distance ahead. "Follow her! Follow her!" cried the knight to me, and he hadn't seen her run long before paternal vanity gave way to restlessness. I don't need him to say it twice, but I put my spurs in the belly of my mount and follow the Edmarch fork in the road, which she thinks is the shortest way to catch up with the hunters.I shuddered to see her bent like a rush under a branch, while the horse, at her urging, carried her at a gallop through the woods. "Edmee, for the love of God, don't run so fast!" I cried, "you'll fall to your death." "Let me ride," she said cheerfully. "Father allows me to do it. Don't interfere, you hear; if you stop my horse, I'll knock your knuckles." "At least let me follow you," I said, drawing closer to her. "My father ordered me to do so. In case of any misfortune to you, I will have to kill myself on the spot." Why am I haunted by such ominous thoughts?I have no idea.I have often seen Edmee galloping through the woods on horseback.I was in an abnormal state; the midday heat raised my head, and my nerves were strangely stimulated.I hadn't had breakfast, and when I started I was in a bad mood, and to keep my stomach going I drank a few cups of coffee and rum.Then I felt a surge of overwhelming dread; and after a while the dread gave way to feelings of inexpressible love and joy.The thrill of galloping became so strong that I imagined my only purpose was to run after Edmee.To see her galloping before me, as light as a black mule with her four hoofs galloping noiselessly over the moss, one would have taken her for a fairy who had appeared in this solitary place to disturb Men's reason lures them to her deceitful retreat.I forgot about hunting and all the rest, and saw only Edmee; a cloud passed before my eyes, and I could see her no more, but still I ran; I was in a speechless, delirious state At this moment, she suddenly reined in her horse and stopped. "What are we doing?" she said. "I don't hear the hunting anymore, but I catch a glimpse of a river. We've gone too far to the left." "On the contrary, Edmee," I replied incomprehensibly, "just a little more run and we'll be there." "How red you are!" she said. "But how do we cross the river?" "If there is a road, there is a place to ford," I replied. "Let's go! Let's go!" Governed by the frenzy of running on, I had but one thought, to go farther and farther into the depths of the woods with her; but that thought was shrouded in a mist, and when I tried to uncover it, nothing but my chest I didn't feel anything other than a throbbing in my temples. Edmee made an impatient gesture. "These woods are detestable; I always get lost in them," she said. She probably thought of that ill-fated day when she was led away from another hunt by frightened horses all the way to Maupra Rock;Involuntarily I followed Edmee towards the river.Suddenly I found her on the other side.It enraged me to see that her horse was quicker and braver than mine; for Edmee was again ahead of me when my horse balked at the rather treacherous fords of the river.I stabbed the horse's flanks to the point of bleeding; I almost fell off the horse several times, and only then did I cross the river and land on the bank.With a sense of indifference, I galloped after Edmee.I overtook her, grabbed her mule by the bridle, and cried: "Stop, Edmee, I say! Don't go any farther." When I was speaking, I shook the rein very roughly, and her horse stood up on her hind legs, causing her to lose her balance; in order to avoid falling, she risked being crushed and jumped lightly from between our two horses .I dismounted almost as quickly as she did, and quickly pushed both horses away.Edmee's docile horse stopped and began to graze.My horse galloped away without a trace.All this happened in an instant. I took Edmee in my arms; she broke free, and said to me coldly: "Bernard, you are so rude; I hate your manner. What is the matter with you?" Confused and ashamed, I explained to her that I thought her horse had slipped, and I was afraid that something bad would happen to her riding so wildly. "In order to save me, you risked killing me and making me fall," she retorted. "You really are helpful." "Let me help you mount again," I said. Before she could say yes, I held her in my arms and lifted her from the ground. "You know very well that's not how I mount," she cried, quite annoyed. "Leave me alone, I don't need your help." But it was no longer possible for me to obey.I was dizzy; the muscles of my arms tightened around Edmee's waist, and I couldn't let go; my lips touched her breast involuntarily; she turned white with anger. "Oh, how unfortunate I am," I said with tears in my eyes, "how unfortunate I am to always offend you and be hated by you more and more as my love for you grows!" Edmee is proud and strong by nature.She has been tempered for a long time, and her character has become strong and unyielding year by year.She was no longer the trembling young girl I had held close to me at Mopra Rock, wise in self-defense but more witty than courageous.Now she is a fearless and proud woman who would rather be killed than allow others to think otherwise.What's more, this woman knows that someone loves her and understands her own charm.She pushed me away contemptuously; and as I followed her madly, she raised her whip at me, threatening to leave a mark of infamy on my face if I dared to touch her horse. I knelt down and begged her not to leave me without forgiving me like this.She had mounted her horse, and, looking round to find her way again, said aloud: "I've only come to see this abominable place again! Look, sir, do you see where we are?" I looked, too; and saw that we were at the edge of the woods, on the tree-lined bank of a small pond.Two paces away, through the thickening of the woods after Patience had gone, I caught a glimpse of the tower door gaping like a black mouth behind the verdant foliage. I felt dizzy again, and the two instincts in my heart were fighting fiercely.Who can explain the mysterious workings of the human mind, when body and mind are wrestling, and one part of life strives to strangle the other?Believe me, in a human constitution such as mine, such inner conflicts must be terrible; do not think that will plays only a secondary role in a man of violent temper; what to say to a man who is exhausted in such a struggle "You should restrain yourself" is a stupid custom.