Chapter 26 Chapter 21

after evening prayer Ubertino tells Adso the story of the Dolcino brothers, and Adso recalls the other stories, and sneaks into the library alone to read, where he meets a young girl, beautiful and terrifying, like a a ready army I found Ubertino in front of the Madonna, knelt beside him without a word, and pretended (I confess) to bow my head in silent prayer.It took me a while before I worked up the courage to speak to him. "Holy Father," I said to him, "may I ask for your inspiration and counsel?" Ubertino looked at me, took my hand, stood up, and led me to a bench where they sat side by side.He hugged me tightly, and I felt his breath brush against my face.

"Dear child," he said, "I am a wretched sinner who loves to soothe your soul. What troubles you? Longing?" he asked with concern. "A longing for the flesh?" "No." I replied with a blushing face, "If my heart desires, it is because I want to know too many things..." "That's not good. God knows all things, and we can only admire His knowledge." "But we must also distinguish between good and evil, and understand human lust. I am a novice, but I will become a monk and a priest in the future. When I can recognize it one day, I can teach others to recognize it."

"You're right, boy. So what do you want to know?" "The poison of heresy, Father," I said reverently.Then he said in another breath, "I heard someone say a bad guy who lures others to fall: Brother Dolcino." After being silent for a while, Ubertino said, "Yes, you heard Brother William talking to me about him that evening. But this is a painful story, and I don't want to talk about it because it would To make you—(yes, you ought to know this, and get a useful lesson from it)—for it will make you see that penitent love and hope of cleansing the world may produce blood and murder." He shifted his position, let go of my shoulders, but kept one hand on the nape of my neck, as if to convey his knowledge or his excitement (I don't know whether it was the former or the latter) to I.

"It goes back to before the Dolcino brothers," he said, "about sixty years ago, when I was a boy. It was in Palma, a man named Glad Skelly A man starts preaching, exhorting people to live a life of penitence. He goes all the way shouting: 'Penetangit!' That's what uneducated people say for 'repentance'. He leads his followers, Imitate the Twelve Apostles, call his sect the Apostolic Order, and his believers will walk around the world like poor beggars, living only on the charity of others..." "Like Fradiselli," I said, "isn't it the will of God and the purpose of your Franciscan order?"

"Yes." Ubertino admitted with some hesitation, and sighed softly, "but Gerard probably went too far. He and his followers were accused of denying the authority of the clergy and the rituals of mass and confession , and become lazy vagabonds." "But the Franciscan Order is also under the same accusation. Didn't the Menorite Brothers say that the authority of the Pope should not be recognized?" "Yes, but not the authority of all clergy. We Brothers Menoret are clergymen ourselves. It is difficult to distinguish these things, my child, and the line between good and evil is not very clear...in a way As far as I am concerned, Gerard is guilty of a heretical act... He asked to be admitted to the Order of Menoret, but our brothers did not accept him. He stayed in our church during the day and saw Menoret The monks dress like them, grow their hair and beards, wear sandals, and wear the robes of Menoret. For anyone who wants to find a new congregation often imitates the Franciscan order. some form."

"Then his intentions are good..." ※Bandhammer School の Jing School E Book※ "But at one point he got it wrong again... With a white shawl over his white robe and long hair, he was quickly acclaimed as a saint. He sold one of his cottages and took After getting the money, he stood on a rock where the magistrates stood when they announced the news in ancient times, and took a bag of gold in his hand. Instead of distributing the gold to the poor, he called some hooligans who were gambling nearby, Throw the gold to them, and say, 'Let him whoever can.' The rascals take the gold, and the gamble is over. They have blasphemed God, and Gerald, who gave them the gold, heard of it. , without any shame."

"But didn't St. Francis also abandon all worldly possessions? Today I heard William say that he went to the cemetery to preach to vultures and crows, and to be with lepers-that is, those who are called morals. The dross discarded by the nobles..." "Yes, but Grad made a mistake. St. Francis never clashed with the Holy Church, and the Gospel calls for money to be given to the poor, not to the wicked. Grad gave, not received Any recompense, because he gave to bad people. He had a bad start, a bad continuation, and a bad end, Pope Gregory X against his congregation." "Perhaps," I said, "Gregory X was narrow-minded compared to the Pope who sanctioned the Franciscan order..."

"Maybe so, but Gerard was doing something wrong, and St. Francis, on the contrary, knew what he was doing. Finally, boy, these pig and cow men suddenly became false apostles, thinking Live a happy life and accept the relief of others openly! But these are not the most important," he quickly added, "Glade circumcised himself in order to gather these apostles who were still Jewish believers, which violated the What Paul said to the Galatians - and you know many saints proclaimed that the future enemies of Christ would come from the circumcised race... But Grad did something even more unforgivable: he recruited simple masses everywhere, said, 'Come with me to the vineyard.' Those who did not know him followed him into other people's vineyards, thinking it was his, and ate other people's grapes..."

I said rashly, "The Order of Menoret doesn't approve of private property either." Ubertino stared at me sternly: "Friar Menorit lived a poor life according to the canon, but they never asked others to be poor as well. You can't attack the property of good Christians without reason; good Christians will accuse you of being a bandit. Such was the case with Glad. They say he ended up sleeping with women, to test his willpower and determination, without lusting for them; but when his disciples wanted to emulate him , the result is very different... Oh, these are not things that a half-blooded boy should know. Women are the instruments of the devil... Then they start to fight among themselves, and evil things happen. Still there are Many people came to join Grad, not only the country folk, but also the townspeople, the members of the trade associations. Grad made them strip naked, to imitate the naked Christ, and sent them to all parts of the world to preach, But he himself wears a white tunic, of strong material, and looks not like a monk, but like a clown! They are in open spaces in the open air, but sometimes they also climb into the pulpit of a church, Harassing the gathering of devout believers and driving away their missionaries. Once in the church of St. Joseph in the city of Ravenna in northeastern Italy, they put a child on the bishop's throne. They claimed to be the heirs of the teachings of Josian... ..."

"But so do the Franciscans!" I exclaimed. "Gerald of Borgo San Donino, and you, too!" "Don't get excited, boy. Josian of Flores was a great prophet, and he was the first to see that St. Francis was going to start reforming the Church. But the false apostles used his teachings to cover their folly. Guerra There is a female apostle next to De, called Tripia or Lipia, who claims that she has the gift of prophecy. A woman, you understand?" "But, Father," I retorted, "didn't you yourself talk about Clare of Montefalco and Angela of Foligno last time..."

"They were saints! They lived humble lives and acknowledged the power of the Church, and they never claimed to have a gift for prophecy! And the false apostles claimed that the woman could go everywhere preaching, as many pagans do. They I don't think there is any difference between being married and not being married. I don't think any vow is permanent. In short, I don't want to tell you more sad stories that you half understand. Finally, Bishop Obijo of Palma decided Arrest Gerard. But a strange thing happened at this time, which makes you understand how weak human nature is, and how much heresy weeds cannot be neglected. For at last the bishop released Gerard, and received him personally, to Laughed so much at the jokes he told that he even left him as a laughing clown." "Why?" "I don't know—perhaps I should say, I'm afraid I know. The Bishop is a nobleman and doesn't like the merchants and artisans of the city. Maybe he doesn't mind that Gerard preaches his poverty theory against them, or doesn't care that Gerard It went from begging for alms to robbery. But then the pope intervened and the bishops returned to proper severity, and Grad was finally accused of heresy and burned at the stake. That was at the turn of the century." "What have these things to do with Brother Dolcino?" "They are related, so you can see that heresy doesn't disappear with the destruction of heretics. This Dolcino is the illegitimate son of a priest and lives in the parish of Novara in northern Italy. He's small, quick-witted, and literate. , but he stole from the house of the priest who took him in, and fled eastward to the city of Trent, where he retold the teachings of Grad, but more like a heretic, claiming to be the only true apostle of God, and Said that everything should be shared in love, and that it is legal to sleep with all women, so no one can be accused of having a concubine, and he himself was in a relationship with a mother and daughter at the same time..." "Did he really preach these doctrines? Or was he just accused of doing so? I've heard of monks charged with the same crime, like those of Montefalco..." "Nonsense," interrupted Ubertino sharply, "they're no longer monks, they're pagans, and they're in league with Dolcino. What's more, listen to me again, Dole What did Brother Sino do later to be called an evil villain. I don’t know how he knew the teachings of the false apostles, maybe he went to Palma when he was young and heard about Grad Mission. We only know that after Gerard died, he still kept in touch with the pagans in Bologna, and he started his mission in Trante. There he abducted a beautiful girl Marguerite of noble birth Or she seduced him, as Horoys tempted Abela, for—never forget—it is through women that the devil penetrates a man! After that, the Bishop of Trent cast him out But at that time Dolcino had absorbed more than a thousand believers, and he began the long journey back to his birthplace. Along the way, many people were deceived by his words and joined his denomination, perhaps some Many Waldensian pagans also became his accomplices when he passed through the mountains where we lived, and it may be that he himself wanted to join the Waldensians in this area and went north. When he arrived in the Novara district, many Orcino found circumstances favorable to his insurrection, for the vassals who ruled the city of Getinella in the name of Bishop Basil were expelled by the people, who considered the lawless Dolcino their best ally. " "Did the bishop's vassal do something wrong?" "I don't know, and it's not my turn to judge. But you should know that in many cases the heretics were against the lords, and so the heretics always start by proclaiming the poverty of the Virgin and inevitably end up Into power, war, violence. In the city of Vasili, there were conflicts between some families, and the false apostles took advantage of this opportunity, and these families also took advantage of the chaos caused by the false apostles. The feudal monarch hired foreign mercenaries to rob the citizens, and the citizens We can only seek protection from Bishop Novara." "It's a complicated story. But whose side is Dolcino on?" "I don't know. He's in a league of his own. He's come here in the midst of all this turmoil, and he sees this as an opportunity to preach hard work against private property in the name of poverty. Dorsino and his disciples—now Already more than 3,000 people - camped on a nearby hill. This hill is called "Bald Hill" just outside Novara. They built simple huts and fortresses on the hill. Orcino ruled over men and women who lived in shameless intermingling.From there he sent letters to his followers detailing his pagan teachings.He said their ideal was poverty, and they were not bound by any oath of obedience to the outside world.And he, Dolcino, was sent by God to break the prophecy's secrets and reinterpret the contents of the Old Testament and the New Testament.He called the non-denominational clergy—missionaries and Menorite monks—"the devil's messengers" who absolved everyone of their obligation to obey them. "He again divides the existence of God's people into four periods: The first is the period of the Old Testament, the twelve sons of Jacob and the prophets, before the coming of Jesus Christ. Marriage was good at that time, because God's people had to reproduce , increased. The second period was that of the Christians and the apostles, which was also a holy and chaste age. Then came the third period, when the pope first accepted the wealth of the world in order to govern the people. But at that time mankind began to receive from God Lost in love, St. Benedict appeared, against all worldly possessions. When the monks of the order of St. Benedict returned to amass wealth, St. Francis and St. Dominicans appeared, such as St. Benedict was more stern against worldly power and property. At last, now, the lives of many high priests have again contradicted those precepts. We have come to the end of the third period, and must follow the teachings of the apostles. " "Then what Dolcino preaches is what the Franciscan monks once preached, and you, the priest, aren't you also a Franciscan monk?" "Ah, yes. But from these teachings he deduces cunning theories! He says that in order to end this third period of depravity, all clergy, monks, and monks must accept a cruel death. he said that all the holy persons of the Church, all priests, nuns, religious men and women, every Menorite, hermit, and even Pope Boniface, were to be condemned by him, Dorsino. killed by the chosen emperor, Frederick of Sicily." "But was not Frederick the emperor, who in Sicily zealously received the bishops expelled from Umbria, and is now called Louis? Was not the Order of the Menorites also demanding that he destroy the secular power of popes and cardinals? ?” "That is the hallmark of heresy. It perverts the most righteous thoughts. Besides, they violate the laws of God and man. The Order of Menoret never asked the Emperor to kill other monks." Now I know he was wrong.For a few months later, when the Bavarian founded his own order in Rome, Marsilius and other Renoret monks, loyal to the Pope, made the same demands as Dorcino.I'm not saying that Dolcino was right; just that Marsilius was wrong too.But at the time I couldn't help wondering (especially after my afternoon conversation with William) whether it was possible for the fools who followed Dorsino to tell the difference between the Bishop's promise and Dorsino's promise.Is he guilty of putting into practice, in a mystical form, what the Orthodox preached?Or is this the difference?Should we wait for God to give us what His saints have promised, instead of trying to get it by worldly means?Now I know the argument and why Dorsino is wrong: the normal state of things cannot be changed, even though we must eagerly wish it to change.That evening I was extremely conflicted in my thoughts. "Also," said Ubertino to me, "pagans always speak loudly. In 1303, in a second letter, Dolcino proclaimed himself head of the Apostolic Council, and ordered Marguerite, a woman , Longchine of Bergamo, Frederick of Novara, Abel Carentin, and Valderick of Brexi as his deputies. He began to shout about the succession of the future Pope, two good the first and the last; two bad ones, the second and the third. The first is Christian, the second Boniface VIII; the prophet says of him: 'Your vain heart Shame on thee, O thou who lives in the cleft of the crags." A third pope was not named, but Jeremiah said of him: 'Look, like a lion.' And--a disgrace!-- Dorsino thinks the lion is Frederick. Dorsino doesn't yet know who the fourth Pope will be, who will be what Dean Joachim calls the Holy Pope, the Archangel Pope. He is God Chosen. At that time Dolcino and his followers (which by this time had increased to four thousand) will receive the grace of God together, and the church will be renewed until the end of the world. But three days before his coming Years ago, evil would be at its height. Dorsino tried to do it, bringing war everywhere. The fourth pope—and thus you can see how the devil played tricks on his confidant—was Clement V, announced that he would destroy Dorsino. It is not wrong at all, because there are many theories in Dorsino's letters that cannot be reconciled with Orthodox Church during this period. He accused the Roman Church of being a cult, saying that monks have no obligation to obey, and now The power of the gods has been passed to the apostolic order. Only the apostles can represent the new church. The apostles can declare the marriage invalid. Only by joining the apostolic order can they be saved. The pope cannot absolve sins. would be more perfect than a life of vows, a church dedicated to God is as good as a stable, and Christ may be worshiped in the woods as in the church." 'Did he really say those words? " "Of course, there is no doubt about it. He wrote all these theories in his letters. But unfortunately he did something worse. After he settled on Bald Mountain, he began to plunder the villages in the valley, raiding them. Taking property—in short, he waged open war on the surrounding towns." "Are all those villages and towns against him?" "That's unknown. Maybe some villages supported him. I told you just now, he used the local disputes skillfully. Meanwhile, winter came. The winter of 1305 was the most severe in recent decades. There were corpses floating in the ditch, and starvation in the wild. Dorsino wrote a third letter to his followers, and more people joined his sect, but it was not easy to live on that mountain. They were hungry and cold, and they had to eat horse meat and Meat from other animals, boiled grass roots and bark, many people starved to death." "Who are they fighting against now?" "Bishop Basil asked Clement V for help, and the campaign to eradicate heresy began. Anyone who participated in the campaign could be granted amnesty. Louis of Savoy, the magistrate of Lombardy, and the archbishop of Milan responded immediately. Many people took up the cross to aid those of Basil and Novara, even from Savoy, Provence, France; Bishop Basil was the supreme commander. The vanguard of the two armies often fought hand to hand, but the fortress of Dolcino was strong and difficult to attack , and the bad guys got help too." "Who will help them?" "Other bad people. I believe these people are happy to stir up riots. However, towards the end of 1305, the pagan chiefs were forced to abandon the Bald Mountain, leaving the disabled and sick to move into the territory of Gefiro, and to hold on to a hill. The mountain was then called Zhubei Leshan, and later Lubei Leshan, because it became a stronghold of church traitors. Anyway, I cannot tell you everything in detail. After several horrific massacres, at last the traitor was forced to surrender, and Dolcino and his followers were captured and justly burned at the stake." "Was that beautiful Marguerite burned too?" Ubertino stared at me: "Do you still remember that she is a beautiful woman? Yes, it is said that she is beautiful. Many local monarchs wanted to save her from being burned and marry her. But she didn't want to. Burned like a loved one. This may give you a warning: beware of the whore of Babylon, even in her most charming form." "Now tell me, Father, that I have heard that the overseer, and perhaps Salvatore, have seen Dorsino and been with him..." "Hush! Don't say such unthinking things. I met the steward in a monastery in Menoret. I don't know where Remigio stayed before he was there. I know he's a good monk." , at least from an Orthodox standpoint. As for the rest, alas, the flesh is fragile..." "I do not understand what you were saying." "These are not things you should know." He pulled me closer, hugged me again, and pointed to the statue of the Virgin, "You should know pure love. She is the purest woman, so you can say she is Beautiful, like a lover in "Song of Songs," he said, with a look of genuine joy on his face, like the day the Abbot spoke of the gold and precious stones on his sacristy. , "In her body, even the elegance of the body symbolizes the beauty of heaven, so the sculptor endowed her with all the elegance a woman should have to praise her." A blouse with lace, touched by the little hand of the Holy Child, "Look! As the scholars say: the breasts are also beautiful, slightly raised, just slightly, not wanton and plump, suppressed but not shrunken... in How did you feel before this sweetest phantom?" I blushed suddenly and felt a fire burning in my chest.Ubertino must have sensed this, or caught a glimpse of my flushed cheeks, because he quickly added: "But you have to learn to put out the fire of supernatural love. Even saints have a hard time doing that. " I asked tremblingly, "How can I recognize good love?" "What is love? In this world, no matter whether it is a person or a devil or anything, I doubt it as much as love, because it is the only thing that can penetrate the heart. Everything in this world is not full of love, Nor is it as deep as love. So unless you have the weapons to conquer it, the soul trapped in love is like throwing into a bottomless abyss. I believe that without the temptation of Marguerite, Dorsino would not be so Daredevil; but for the promiscuous and chaotic life on Bald Mountain, so many people would not be seduced by his rebellion. I remind you that I do not say these things to you only about the love of evil, the love is of the devil, and of course should be dodged; and what I say also includes the love between God and man, and the love between man and his neighbor, that is, good love. Two or three men, men or women, sincerely Loving, liking each other, wishing to live intimately forever, is a common scenario. I admit, I've had similar feelings about the most chaste women, such as Angela and Klare. Ah, that's not supposed to be, even though it is Spiritual, and bears the name of God...for even the love that the heart feels, first fervently, then indulges, creates confusion. Oh, love has many qualities, first the heart becomes more tender, then pain ...then it will feel the warmth of true love, screaming, moaning, like a stone thrown into a forge and melted into lime, crumbling, and being licked by the flames..." "Is this good love?" ※Ballet Hammer School & E-Book of Fine School※ Ubertino strokes my head.I looked at him and saw tears in his eyes. "Yes, that's good love." He dropped his hand on my shoulder, "but how difficult it is to tell the difference between good love and evil love. Sometimes when the devil tempts your soul, you feel like Like a man who is hanged by the neck, with his hands tied behind his back, and his eyes blindfolded, hanging on the gallows, but still alive, without help, without dependence, without compensation, suspended in mid-air... " There were tears and sweat on his face: "You go." He said to me, "I have told you what you want to know. On this side is the seat of angels; on the other side is hell Go, praise God." He knelt down before the statue of the Virgin again, and I heard him sobbing softly, and he began to pray again. I did not leave the chapel.This conversation with Ubertino ignited my heart, and there was a strange fire and an indescribable commotion in my gut.Perhaps for this reason, I did not want to obey orders and decided to sneak into the library alone.I don't know what I'm looking for, I just want to explore an unknown place by myself.I was excited by the thought that I could do it myself, without the help of a teacher.I climbed up the stairs just like Dorsino climbed up Lubei Leshan. I took the oil lamp, (why did I bring it - did I already have this secret plan?) into the ossuary, not only did not squint, but my eyes were almost completely closed.After a while I arrived at the writing room. I believe it was a fateful night, for as I paced among the desks I glimpsed on one of them an open manuscript which must have been copied by a monk from The Heresy of the Brothers Dolcino. History".I think that was probably the table where Peter of Santabino sat, I heard he was writing a history of heresy (he gave up on it after all the incidents at the monastery--but we still Don't jump ahead).So it was normal for that book to be there.There are also related treatises, such as the book on the Self-flagellation ascetics and the Pertalini order.But I thought it was a supernatural sign, celestial or demonic, I don't know, and anyway I bent down eagerly to read the book.The book was not very long, and I found something in it that Ubertino hadn't told me, the author had obviously seen it all, and the imagination was encouraged by that event. I read how, on the Saturday before Easter in March 1307, Dorsino, Marguerite, and Longchines were finally arrested, and how they were taken to the city of Vieira and handed over to the bishop to await the Pope's order. Decide.When the Pope heard the news, he sent a letter to Philip, King of France, which read: "We were overjoyed with the most joyful news, because Dorsino, the son of the devil, the most terrible heretic, has died in France. After much pains, after many dangers, massacres, and battles, he was finally captured and imprisoned with his men. Thanks to our brother Rainier, Bishop Basil, for arresting him on the day of communion. Many People who were with him, all infected with the contagion - were also killed on the same day." The pope showed no mercy to the prisoners, and ordered the bishops to execute them.On June 1 of the same year, these heretics were delivered to the execution ground.As the city's bells rang noisily, the heretics were wheeled into a caravan, surrounded by executioners, followed by volunteers, who circled the place, and at every corner the executioners burned with red-hot pincers. criminal.Margarita was branded first.Then there was Dolcino, not a single muscle in his face moved, and he didn't even moan as the pincers burned his hands and feet.Then the caravan moved on, and the executioners thrust their iron implements into furnaces filled with burning coals.Dorsino suffered much more, and still remained silent, though he shrugged his shoulders when they cut off his nose, and heaved a long sigh when they tore off his penis, like It was an involuntary moan.The last few words he uttered seemed meaningless, warning that he would rise on the third day.He was then burned alive and his ashes were blown away by the wind. I closed the manuscript with shaking hands.According to Ubertino, Dolcino committed many crimes, but he too was horribly burned.When he was burned at the stake, his behavior was so... how?Steadfast like a martyr, or arrogant like a man in hell?As I shuffled up the stairs to the library, I realized why it bothered me so much.I suddenly recalled a scene I witnessed a few months ago, not long after I arrived in Tuscany.In fact, I wondered how I had forgotten it before, as if my tormented mind wanted to erase the succulent memory.Perhaps, I haven't forgotten it. Every time I hear someone talk about Fradisili, doesn't that scene appear in front of my eyes?Only I swung it away immediately, as if it were a sin to witness the horror. When I was in Florence I saw a man burned at the stake, and that was when I first heard of Fradiselli.That was shortly before my meeting with Brother William in Pisa.William's trip was delayed for a few days, so my father sent me to Florence first to visit the cathedral, which is famous for its beauty.I was traveling in Tuscany, practicing my Italian, and ended up staying for a week in Florence, because this city was a place I had long wanted to explore in more depth. When I first arrived, I heard that there was a big trial that shocked the whole city.A pagan Phradisian follower was charged with crimes against the Orthodox Church and shouting before the bishop, and was about to be sentenced to a severe sentence.I followed those who told me this, and went to the place where the trial was held.Some people say that this brother named Michael is actually a very pious monk. He preaches repentance and poverty, and repeats the words of St. Francis, just because some vicious women falsely ask him to confess, and then falsely accuse him of heresy. was brought before the magistrate.Moreover, the bishop's men captured him in the women's house.This fact astonished me, since the clergy should never have visited the house of a sacrament under such inappropriate circumstances.However, this is probably a weakness of the Fradisilis, this lack of consideration of etiquette, so ordinary people will regard them as heretics and think that they have ambiguous behaviors (just as people say that Kasa believers are Boogrey and the Sodomite). When I arrived at San Salvador Church, the trial was in progress.I couldn't get in because of the crowd outside the church.However, some people climbed to the windows surrounded by iron bars, could see and hear what was going on inside the church, and spoke to the crowd below at any time.The magistrate was reading Brother Michael's confession the day before, saying that he preached Christ and his apostles "without personal or common property".But Michael protested that the notary had added "many false conclusions" to it, exclaiming (and I heard it outside): "You will have to defend yourselves on the day of the trial!" But the magistrate continued to read what they had written confession, and finally they asked him if he would humbly follow the resolution of the Church and all the townspeople.Again I heard Michael cry out that he would only follow what he believed, which was that he "believed that Christ was poor and crucified. Pope John XXII was the heretic because he said exactly what on the contrary".A debate ensued, and the inquisitors, including many Franciscan friars, tried to make him understand that what he said was not in the Bible.He in turn accused them of violating the orders of the Order.They attacked him, asking him if he thought he knew the Bible better than they did.The stubborn Brother Michael still argues with them.So they started pissing him off, saying things like, "Then we want you to admit that Christ owned property, and that Pope John was a Catholic and a saint."But Michael didn't budge, and said, "No, he's a heretic." They said they had never seen a man die so stubbornly.But I heard many people in the crowd outside the church compare him to Christ facing the Pharisees, and I realized that many people believed that Brother Michael was holy. At last the bishop's men took him back to prison.That night I heard that many monks, friends of the Bishop, insulted him and ordered him to withdraw the preface.But his answer was eminently firm, and he repeated to each of them: Christ was poor, and so did St. Francis and St. Domingo.He also said that he would have to be burned if he publicly stated this claim, because he would soon be able to see with his own eyes the twenty-four elders, Jesus Christ, and St. Francis described in the Bible. A worthy and honorable martyr.他说：“假如我们阅读圣徒们的教义时便已十分热切，那么我们渴望加入他们所感到的热切和喜悦，不知更增加了多少倍？”听了他这些话后，裁判官沉着脸离开了监狱，威严地叫道：“他是被魔鬼迷了心窍了！” 第二天我们听到判决已经确定。我到主教的官邸去，看判决文件，并且在我的笔记本上抄一部分下来。 那上面详细描述了迈克尔所犯的罪行；其中有一项是我认为最不可饶怒的，虽然我不知道(考虑审判的过程)他是不是真的承认了这个罪状。简而言之，那上面写着迈克尔声称圣托马斯·阿奎那并不是一个圣人，也未享有永恒的拯救；正相反的，他受到谴责，而且被贬落地狱！判决书上的结论是，由于被告不知悔改，因此罪刑确立。 判决公布后，更多教会的人到监牢去，警告迈克尔将会发生什么事情。我听见他们说：“迈克尔兄弟，法冠和罩袍都已做好了，上面画了佛拉谛斯黎和魔鬼的图样。”恐吓他，并强迫他在最后关头取消前言。但是迈克尔却跪了下来，说道：“我相信在柴火旁边将会站着我们的父圣方济格，我更相信耶稣基督和十二使徒，光荣的殉教者圣巴托罗缪和圣安东尼，也都会在我的身旁。”最后一次拒绝了裁判官的请求。 第二天早上，裁判官聚在主教官邸前的桥上，我也挤到那里去；仍然戴着手铐脚镣的迈克尔兄弟，被带出来面对着裁判官。 他的一个忠诚的信徒在他面前跪了下来，接受他的祝福。这个信徒立刻被武装卫兵拘捕，带到监狱去。然后，裁判官再度对犯人宣读判决，并问他是否愿意忏悔。每念到他是异教徒的句子时，迈克尔就回答：“我不是异教徒。我是个罪人，但却是天主教徒。” 当正文说道：“最可敬而且神圣的教皇约翰二十二世”，迈克尔就会说：“不对，他是个异教徒。”接着主教命令迈克尔上前向他下跪，迈克尔说任何人都不该向异教徒下跪。他喃喃地说道：“上帝宽恕我吧。”然后一项仪式开始了。他的僧衣被一件一件地脱下来，最后只留下一件佛罗伦萨人称之为“修巴”的小裙子。依照惯例，一个神父被剥掉法衣，也就是解除了僧职。紧接着，他们就在他的手指上烙印，又把他的头发剃光。然后他被交给了卫士，他们粗暴地对待他，为他上了镣铐，又将他带回监狱去。他一边前行一边对群众喊道：“拥有财物的便是异教徒！”我听说次日他就将被送上火场。我相信他这样的做法是错误的，这显示了他被培塔利尼的异论腐化了。 最后到了行刑的那一天，一个共和国的长官到牢里去找他，友善地问迈克尔是怎样的一个人，为什么那么固执，坚决不肯确认所有的人所肯定的，并接受圣母教会的主张。但是迈克尔粗暴地说：“我相信耶稣基督是贫穷的，而且钉上了十字架。”那个长官无可奈何地走了。然后卫兵们来了，把迈克尔带到中庭。主教的代理人再一次对他宣读了招供及判决。迈克尔再一次打岔，抗议硬扣到他头上的罪名。那些实在是很难解的罪状，我记不很清楚了，当时也并不十分了解。但很显然的，就是这些罪状决定了迈克尔的死，以及佛拉谛斯黎的迫害。我不明白为什么教会的人和俗世的武力强烈反对主张过贫穷生活，并说基督并不拥有世俗财物的人。我心想，他们应该怕那些生活富裕，从别人那里取得金钱，买卖僧职，使教会蒙上罪恶的人才对呀。我再也忍不住沉默不语，便把我的想法对站在我旁边的人说了。他嘲讽地笑笑，告诉我说一个将贫穷付诸实行的僧侣，无异是为群众设立了坏榜样，因为那样一来，人们就无法接受不实施贫穷的僧侣了。而且他又说，宣扬贫穷是在人们的脑子里灌注了错误的观念，人们将会认为他们的贫穷是一种骄傲的来源，而骄傲的想法会导致许多骄傲的举动。最后，他说我该知道宣扬僧侣过贫穷的生活就是站在皇帝那一边，那会使得教皇不高兴的，虽然这是什么道理他自己也说不上来。在我看来，那些都是绝佳的理由，尽管是由一个缺少学识的人口中说出来的，只是除了此刻我想不通为什么迈克尔兄弟要以这么可怖的死法来取悦皇帝，或借以平息宗教团体之间的论战。 事实上，有些人说：“他不是圣人，他是路易派来在市民间激起骚动的。佛拉谛斯黎就是托斯卡纳人，但在他们的后面还有皇帝撑腰。” 另一些人说：“他是个疯子，他被魔鬼迷了心窍，充满了自责，自以为是个殉教者；他们让这些僧侣读了太多关于圣人言行的记载了，应该让他们娶太太比较好！” 还有一些人说：“不，所有的基督徒都应该像他一样，在异端充斥的时代，坚守他们的信仰。” 我听着此起彼落的议论，不再知道自己有什么想法了，只是直视前方，望着有时会被群众挡住的迈克尔。我所看见的那张脸并不属于尘世，就像我有时在心醉神驰的幻觉中所看到的圣徒雕像。刹那间我了解了，不管他是个疯子或是个先知，他是真心想要死的，因为他相信他可以以死击败他的敌人，无论他的敌人是谁。我也领悟到他的典范将会引导其他人从容就死。至今我对那些如此坚决不屈的人仍感到惊讶，我不知道是一种对真理的骄傲的爱，将他们导向死亡，抑或是一种对死亡的骄傲的欲望，引导他们维护真理，虽然那只是他们所相信的真理。 我感到既敬佩又恐惧。 ※Bandhammer Academy's E-Book※ 但我们再回头说死刑的执行吧，因为现在所有的人都涌向了迈克尔将被处死的地点。 卫兵们将他带出了大门，他身上只穿了那件“修巴”，后面破了几个洞。他大步前行，低垂着头，喃喃地祷告，看起来确实像个殉教者。 人群难以置信地汹涌，有许多人喊着：“不要死！” 他会回答：“我要为基督而死。” 他们又对他说：“但是你不会为基督而死。” 他说：“那么我为真理而死。” 他们走到一个叫“普罗康瑟角”的地方时，有个人对他喊道：为他们每个人向上帝祷告吧。于是他祝福着群众。 到了侵信教会，他们对他叫道：“救救你自己吧！” 他回答：“死使人免于犯罪！” 在旧市场时，他们喊着：“别死，别死！” 他答道：“拯救你们自己不要堕入地狱。” 到了新市场，他们高喊：“忏悔，忏悔！” 他回答：“为你们的高利贷忏悔吧。” 快走到圣十字大教堂时，他看见和他同一修会的僧侣站在台阶上，便怒斥他们不遵循圣方济格的教规。有些僧侣耸耸肩，但其他的僧侣都羞愧地把头巾拉下，将脸遮盖起来。 往正义门走去时，有许多人对他说：“撤销你的主张吧！别坚持就死啊！” 他的回答是：“基督为我们而死。” 他们说：“可是你并不是基督，万不可为我们而死！” 他说：“但是我要为他而死。” 在正义场中，一个人对他说，他该效法另一位僧侣，放弃他的信仰。然而迈克尔回答他绝不放弃信仰。我看见人群中有许多人点头赞同，并鼓励迈克尔坚强起来。我们意识到那些人就是他的信徒，便离他们远些，免得遭池鱼之殃。 最后我们到了城外，柴堆出现在我们面前，他们称之为“小屋”，因为木柴被堆成一间小屋的形状。四周围了一圈骑士，阻止人们靠得太近。他们把迈克尔兄弟绑在木桩上。 我又听见有人对他叫喊：“可是你究竟为什么而死呢？” 他回答：“为了只有以死才能证明的真理。” 他们在木柴上点了火。迈克尔兄弟开始唱着赞美诗，他唱了约莫八节，然后便弯下头，仿佛要打喷嚏似的，接着整个人倒在地上，因为他的骨头都已烧焦了。他已经死了，在他的身体完全燃烧之前，便已死于使心脏爆裂的高热，和充满了胸膛的浓烟。 这时整间“小屋”都烧起来了，就像一团火炬，灿然炽烈，若非透过烟火还可瞥见迈克尔焦黑的尸体，我真怀疑自己是站在一丛起火的树丛前。我站得相当近(我爬上通往图书室的阶梯时一边回想着)，所看见的景象清晰地使我念出了在圣海德嘉的著作中阅读过的一段描述：“火焰包含了灿烂的亮度，不寻常的活力和极端的炽烈，但它拥有的亮度可能照明，炽烈可能燃烧。” 我记起了乌伯蒂诺对“爱”的评论。迈克尔站在火堆中的影像变得和多尔西诺混在一起，多尔西诺的身影又和美丽的玛格丽特重叠。我又一次感到不安，就像我在礼拜堂时一样。 我竭力压抑住这些思绪，大步走进迷宫。 这是我第一次单独造访。映现在地板上的憧憧灯影就如前一夜的幻象般令我触目惊心，每一刻我都害怕自己又撞见另一面镜子，因为镜中的人影实在扭曲得可怕，即使你明知那只是镜子，仍会感到困扰。 另一方面，我并没有谨慎地辨认方向，或是避开那个烧着药草，以浓烟令人产生幻觉的房间。我就像个发热的人一般盲目前进，也不知道自己要到哪儿去。事实上，我并没有离起点太远。 过了不久，我发现我又走回最初的那个七边形房间。这里，在中央的桌子上放了几本书，似乎是我前一晚不曾看见的。我不知道自己离那个点了烟的房间有多远，只觉得有些头晕，但那可能是我刚才的深思所引起的。我打开其中一册装饰精美的书，由它的风格看来，好像来自遥远而神秘的国度。 在马可福音开始的那一页，我被画在页缘的一头狮子吸引住了。我确信那是一头狮子，虽然我没有看过活生生的狮子，而且那个画家忠实地画出它的外形，也许是看到爱尔兰的猛狮而有的灵感吧。我觉得这种动物既可怕又威严，使我同时想到恶魔和耶稣基督。我全身颤抖，一方面是由于恐惧，而且也因为墙上的隙缝吹进来的风。 我看见的这头狮子有一张牙齿锐利的血盆大口，坚固的头型犹如大蟒蛇的头，巨大的身子下是四只大脚，脚上带着利爪，它身上的毛犹如东方地毯，黄中夹杂着红褐，骨架结实刚劲，尾巴也是黄的，由臀部直扭到头部，末端挂着一簇黑中带白的硬毛。 那幅狮子像使我感到非常畏惧(我不止一次环顾四周，就怕有一头这样的猛兽突然出现)，然而我还是决定再往下看。一翻开《马太福音》，我的视线就落在一幅人像上。也不知道为什么，这个人比狮子更令我害怕。那是一张人脸没错，可是这个人全身裹在一件僵硬的礼服内，直盖到脚底，在这件礼服上，镶嵌了红色和黄色的宝石。由红宝石和黄玉构成的城堡中探出来的那颗头，好像(简直令我恐惧万分！)就是我们追踪的那个神秘凶手的头。这时我意识到何以我会把这狮子和人和迷宫联想到一起。 这两幅图，甚至这本书里的每一幅图，都像是从一种连接的迷宫中冒出来的，玛瑙和琥珀的线条，绿玉髓的细纹，绿柱玉的虹彩，似乎都和房间的角度及我所在的走廊有所关联。我瞪视着那一页，眼光迷失在那灿亮的巷道中，一如我的脚困惑地走过图书室一间又一间的房间，看见我的迷乱游走被描绘在那些羊皮纸上，使我心中惶惑，觉得每本书都在说着我的现状。我不禁想看，在那些书页中，是不是也已包含了我未来的故事。 我打开了另一本书，这本书像是出自西班牙的学校。图书的颜色异常鲜明，红色令人想到血或火的颜色。这是使徒的《启示录》。和前一夜一样，我又一次翻到了淫妇骑在十角兽上的那一页。但这并不是同一本书，书上的装饰画并不一样。这个画家在书页上着意画了一个女人。我将她的脸，她的胸部，她大腿的曲线，和圣母玛利亚的雕像相比，她们的线条不一样，可是我觉得这个女人也很美。我想我不该尽想着这些，便又往后翻了几页。 ※Bandhammer Academy's E-Book※ 我又找到另一个女人，但这回画的是巴比伦的妓女。她的形体并不怎么吸引我，但我想到她也是个女人，只不过这一个是邪恶的女人，而前面几页所画的那一个却是贞洁的。不过这两幅人像外形都画得很女性化，愈看愈不觉得有什么差别。我又一次感到内心的激荡，礼拜堂的圣母玛利亚和美丽的玛格丽特形象变得交叠了。 “我真该死！”我咒骂自己，“我疯了。”决定还是离开这里比较好。 幸好楼梯就在我的近处，我冲下楼去，顾不了跌跤摔倒或熄灯的危险。我跑到了写字间，却不敢在那里逗留，又往通向餐厅的楼梯冲去。 一下了楼，我便气喘吁吁地停下脚步。透过窗子照进来的月光异常明亮，在图书室里绝不可省的油灯，在这里几乎成了多余的。然而，我并没有把灯吹熄，仿佛是想借灯光得到慰藉。由楼梯一路直冲下来，使我有点上气不接下气，所以我决定喝口水，使紧张的情绪平息下来，反正厨房就在隔壁而已。我走过餐厅，缓缓打开将大教堂楼下隔成两半的门。 就在这时，我非但没感到放松，反而备觉惊恐。因为我立刻意识到厨房里还有别人在，就在面包炉附近——至少我瞥见那个角落有一道光芒。在恐慌中，我忙把我的油灯吹熄。我不敢动，事实上，另一个人(或一些人)也立刻把灯熄了，不过那也于事无补，厨房里皎洁的月光，依然在我眼前的地板上照出了一些令人困惑的黑影。 我僵立在那儿，既不敢后退，也不敢前进。我听见一个结巴的声响，觉得其中好像杂着一个女人的声音。然后由炉子旁一团模糊的阴影中，有个矮胖黝黑的身躯移开了，溜向微微打开的外门，潜到室外，又把门关上。 我仍站在厨房和餐厅间的门槛上，炉子旁还有一团模糊的影子没有移动。模糊，而且——怎么说呢？——发出了呻吟声。那像是一种压抑的哭泣声，惊恐的啜泣。 能够使一个害怕的人增加勇气的，莫过于另一个人的害怕了。但驱使我走向那个黑影的并不是恐惧，倒不如说，一种如同我有幻觉时所感到的沉醉，迫着我前进。厨房里有一股味道，很像昨晚在图书室内将我熏倒的烟气，也许并不是同样的物质，但对我过度兴奋的感官却有相同的效果。我闻到一股苦辣味儿，像厨子用来增加酒香的紫云英液、明矾或酒石。或者一如后来我所获悉的，那时他们正在酿制啤酒(在半岛北部地区，这可是一件大事)，所用的材料和我祖国的差不多，石南、桃舍娘和野生迷迭香。这些香料不只刺激着我的鼻孔，更刺激我的心智。 我的理智警告我离开那个呻吟的东西，那必然是魔鬼为我召来的女妖。可是某种欲望却怂恿我前行，似乎我想参与一件神奇的事。 因此我向那个影子走近，直到在透过高高的窗子照进来的月光中，我看清那是一个女人，浑身颤抖，胸前揣着一个包袱，向后退向炉口，低声哭泣。 愿上帝、圣母、天堂所有的圣灵帮助我说出其后所发生的事。而今我已是个老僧，住在梅勒克这所庄严的修道院里，也是安宁沉谧的避难所。为了我谦逊、崇高的地位，我应该无比的虔敬谨慎，只说有某种邪恶的事发生了，但却不宜详述，如此我的读者和我都不会感到困扰。 可是我既已说着那些遥远的事件，便决心说出一切真相。真相自然是不可遮掩的，不该因我们的兴趣或羞耻而将它分割。问题是，我必须说出当时的所见所觉，而不是现在的看法和回忆(尽管我的记忆仍十分鲜明，我也不知道是事后的追悔，使得这些情况和思想牢牢地嵌在我的脑海中呢，或者是同样的懊悔仍折磨着我，使得我埋藏在心中的耻辱清清楚楚地复苏)。这点我是办得到的，像个编年者一样忠实。因为只要我闭上眼睛，不但可以说出当时我所做的每件事，也能说出我的想法，就像在抄录那时写就的一份文稿。因此我必须这样开始，圣米迪勒保护我，由于我未来读者的启发和我自己鞭笞内心的愧疚，现在我要说出一个年轻人可能怎么向魔鬼的陷阱屈服，让大家明白这些陷阱和诱惑，日后再有人面临之时，便可击败它们。 那是一个女人，或者该说，是一个女孩。到那时为止(以后亦然，感谢上帝)，我没有什么和异性相处的经验，所以也说不出她可能是几岁。我只知道她很年轻，是个少女，也经过了十六或十八个春季，也许二十了。最让我惊讶的是，那个形象看起来是那么的真实。那不是幻觉，而且我觉得她是无害的。也许因为她在颤抖，像一只冬天里的小鸟，又在嘤嘤啜泣，而且显然很怕我。 我想，大概是由于我的眼神十分柔和，那女孩逐渐平静下来，也不再向后退了。我猜想说不定她听不懂我的拉丁语，便本能地用日耳曼方言和她交谈。这使她吓坏了，也不知是因为对不懂日耳曼语的人而言，这种语言的腔调粗厉，还是因为这声音使她联想到什么不愉快的经验，我就不得而知了。我只有对她微笑，想着姿势和脸孔的语言往往比言词更通用的。她这才安下心来，也对我笑笑，说了几句话。 我对她所操的方言所知甚少，那和我在比萨所学到的一点并不相同。可是从她的语气我意识到她是在对我说着甜言蜜语，她好像是在说：“你好年轻，你好英俊……”※棒槌学堂の精校E书※ 对一个从小住在修道院的见习僧而言，听见别人夸赞他的美是很稀罕的。事实上，年老的僧侣总是在告诫我们外在美是稍纵即逝的，而且要将它视为卑下。但恶魔的陷阱是很厉害的，我必须承认这番赞美虽是虚伪的，却听得我十分受用，使我充满一种难压抑的情感。尤其是当那个女孩说话时，她还伸出了手，直到她的指尖触到我当时仍光滑无须的脸颊。我觉得兴奋而狂热，但那时候我却未感觉到心里有一丝罪恶。当魔鬼想要试探我们，把我们心灵的美德驱逐时，就是这样的。 我的感觉如何呢？我又看到了什么？我只记得最初那一刹那的情绪是难以诉诸言词的，因为我的舌头和我的心智都没有受过如何说出这种感觉的训练。直到我记起了别的心灵语言，那是我在别的地方别的时间听到的，说话者的目的显然并不相同，却和我当时的喜悦奇妙地吻合，仿佛那本来就是用来描述那种感觉的。这些深藏在我记忆中的话，浮到了我的唇边，我忘了它们在《圣经》中，或者是在圣徒的福音书中，是用来表达完全不同、更为光灿的事实。但是在圣徒们所说的欢欣，和我骚动的灵魂在那一刻所感觉到的喜悦，真有什么不同吗？在那当儿，我心里已不认为有什么微妙的差异了。我想，这正是地狱深渊里狂喜的迹象。 突然间，我觉得那女孩就是《圣经》《歌中之歌》中所描述的那个黑暗但貌美的处女。她穿着一件线已磨绽的粗布衣裳，前襟不合宜地敞开，颈子上戴了一条颜色极淡的宝石串成的项链，我想那并不是很名贵的东西。但她的头傲然地挺立在白如象牙的颈子上，她的眼睛如潭水般清澈，鼻梁如黎巴嫩塔那么挺，她的头发像是紫色的。是的，在我看来，她的头发丰厚，犹如一群羊。牙齿像刚洗完澡的羊，一对一对走出来，排列得整整齐齐。 我不禁低语道：“看呀，你是多么美，我的爱。看呀，你是美丽的。你的头发就像一群躺在基列山旁的羊，你的唇就像一条红线，你的下巴就像一瓣石榴，你的颈子就像大卫在上面挂了一片小银盾的塔。”我惊恐而焦急地暗想，这个如黎明般站在我眼前，如月亮般柔美，如太阳般耀眼的女人究竟是谁？ 这时那女人向我挨近，把她刚才一直按在胸前的包袱丢到一个角落里去。她举起手抚摸我的脸，重复着刚才我已听过的话。 我不知道是该逃开她，还是更靠近她，脑海中震动不已，仿佛约书亚的喇叭就要把耶利哥城的城墙震塌了。我想要碰她，同时又怕触摸她时，她却开心地笑着，发出快乐的母羊般压抑的吟声，把系住衣服的带子解了开来，让衣服从她身上滑落，一如夏娃在伊甸园里出现在亚当前一样的，站在我的面前。我喃喃低语，重复乌伯蒂诺所说的话，因为我觉得她的胸脯就像两只孪生的小鹿，倚在百合花之间，她的肚脐是个绝不盛放劣酒的酒杯，她的小腹是一堆和百合花堆放在一起的麦子。 “o porta clausa，fons hortonim，cella custos unguentomm，ce11a pigmentaria！”我叫着，一不小心碰到了她的躯体，感觉到它的温暖，并闻到一股以前从未闻过的香味。我想起了这样的话：“孩子，当疯狂的爱来临时，人类是无能为力的！”我领悟到，不管我现在感觉到的是魔鬼的陷阱或是天堂的恩赐，我是没有力量抵抗驱策我的冲动的。我大声喊道：“上帝！赐给我防卫的力量吧！”因为由她的唇呼出了甜美的气息，她那双穿着凉鞋的脚又是那么纤柔，她的腿像列柱般直，两腿交接之处犹如珍宝，只有一个技艺高超的工匠才塑造得出这样的作品。哦，爱，欢乐之女，一个国王被俘虏在你的秀发间了。我喃喃低语，任由她抱住我，两人一起倒在厨房的地板上。也不知是我自己动手的，还是她的诡计使然，我发现我已挣脱了僧衣，但我们对于裸露的躯体却不觉得羞耻。 她用嘴亲吻我，她的爱比酒还要醇，她的肌肤有种甜美的香郁，在珍珠项链和耳环的衬托下，她的须项和脸颊无比的柔美。 看呀，你是美丽的，我的爱，看你是美丽的，你的眼睛就像鸽子(我说)，让我看你的脸，让我听你的声音，因为你的声音悦耳，你的脸迷人，你令我销魂，我的姊妹，只要你一回首一顾盼，便令我销魂。你的唇像蜂巢般开启，蜂蜜和牛奶就在你的舌下，你的气息像苹果，你的酥胸是两串葡萄，你的味道是令人迷醉的酒，直流进我的唇和齿间……，一道泉水，甘松和番红花，昌蒲和肉桂，没药和芦荟。我吃了掺有蜂蜜的蜂巢，喝了加了牛奶的酒。Who is she?这个如黎明般升起，如月亮般柔美，如太阳般耀眼，如高举旗帜的军队般可怕的女人是谁？ 哦，上帝，当心神恍惚的时候，惟一的效能就是爱你所看到的，(难道那不是真的吗？)至高的快乐就是拥有你所有的，喜悦的人生是在它的泉源喝醉，(不是有人这么说过吗？)我们要在生命的真正风味中过着永恒的道德生活……这就是我所想的。我觉得预言终于实现了，当那个女孩慷慨地赐予我无法形容的甜蜜，我的整个身体仿佛变成了一只眼睛，前方和后方，我突然看得见四周的一切。我意会到，由此，由爱，和谐和温柔一起创造出来，一如善和吻和圆满，就像我已听说过的，想着我必定会再得到别的领悟。当我的喜悦就要达到极点之时，有一刹那我记起了说不定我所经历的，在这深夜里，是正午的魔鬼的化身，他终于对迷惑的心灵现出恶魔的真本性，他知道怎么攫获灵魂，诱惑躯体。可是我立刻又相信我的迟疑才是可怕的，因为我所经历的是至善至圣的，每一秒钟都令人备觉甜蜜。正如被阳光所照透的空气变得光灿清晰，不再像被照亮，而像是光线本身。我觉得自己也在液化中溶解了，我仅存的力气就只够让我喃喃念着赞美诗上的一段：“看我的胸部如密封的新酒盛在新的容器内。” 突然间我看到一道闪亮的光芒，中间是鲜红色的，向上窜出一股火焰，那光芒围住了火焰，那火焰穿透金色的形体，那道灿然的光和那股熊熊的火焰一起烧透了整个身影。 在半昏迷中，我倒在那身体上。在最后的奋力时，我了解了那火焰包含了灿烂的亮度，不寻常的活力和极端的炽烈，但它拥有的亮度亮得可以照明，而那炽烈又可能燃烧。那时才体会到深渊，以及它所现出的更深的深渊。 现在(也许是为了我重述的罪恶所带给我的恐惧，或是由于回想那事件时熟悉的愧疚)，我用颤抖的手写着这几行，意识到我在描写那邪恶迷醉的一刻，所用的正是不过几页前，我在描述烧死佛拉谛斯黎信徒迈克尔的那场火时，所使用的字眼。我的手用同样的语词写出这两件完全不同的经验，并不是无意中的巧合，因为当时这两件经历可能使我有相同的感受，直到现在我试着在这羊皮纸上追溯它们时，才了然于心。 这两件迥异的事件中有种类似的神秘现象，可以用相同的名称形容，正如神圣的事也可以用世间的辞汇来界定，借着模棱两可的记号，上帝可以被称为铁或豹子；死亡可以被称为剑；喜悦，火焰；火焰，死亡；死亡，深渊；深渊，地狱；地狱，狂暴。 为什么年轻的我，要以圣徒用来形容“生”之狂喜的话语，来形容殉教者迈克尔令我难忘的“死”之狂喜呢？然而我却不能避免以描写世间欢乐之狂喜同样的话语来叙述，虽然这种欢乐事后立刻使我有种死亡和毁灭的感觉。现在我试着回想这两件相隔数月的事所带给我的感受，以及那晚我在修道院里才刚想到了前一件，几个小时又经历了另一件的情形。还有，现在我写出它们，感到如何的放松，而又怎么用圣徒描写另一种完全不同的神圣经验所使用的三个句子，来叙述这件事情。我是不是冒渎了上帝？(当时？还是现在？)迈克尔对死的渴望，我看见烧着他的火焰时所感觉到的恍惚，和那女孩在一起时我对肉体结合的欲望，我所叙述的秘密的羞耻，以及为了得到永生，使得那圣人凛然就死的喜悦——这一切之间有什么相似之处呢？可不可能对如此模棱不明的事物，以明确的意义说出来呢？这似乎就是最伟大的学者，圣汤玛士所留给我们的教海：修辞愈坦然，词藻愈相似，一个比喻所显示的真理便愈丰富。但是，如果对火焰和深渊的爱，也就暗喻着对上帝的爱，它们是否也隐喻对死亡和罪恶的爱呢？ 是的，正如狮子代表基督，而蟒蛇代表魔鬼一样。事实是，只有以神父的权威为基础，才能建立正确的解释，在这个折磨着我的事例中，也没有什么权威可以让我的心依从，因此我疑惑不已。 哦，上帝，我的心灵究竟是怎么了？让自己卷入记忆的涡流中，而且将不同的事件串连在一起，仿佛是要改变星球的秩序和天体的运行？这确然是超出我所知的界限了。现在，我还是再回头履行我为自己定的任务吧。我说到那一天，以及我所沉人的迷惑。 我已说出了我记得的情景，让我这支无力的笔，忠实而且真实的记录者，就此打住吧。 ※Bandhammer Academy's E-Book※ 我也不知道自己躺了多久。那女孩就躺在我的身旁，她伸出手，继续抚摸我已被汗水濡湿的身体。我的内心感到一种狂喜，但却毫不安宁，就像最后一点火星在余烬下慢慢熄灭，而火焰却已消逝了。我会毫不犹豫地说，任何和我有过同样经历的人是有福的(我像是在睡眠中喃喃低语)，即使是非常难得(事实上，我就只有那么一次经历)而且仓促，仅仅只有几分钟而已。仿佛他已不存在于世，毫无所觉，或者觉得向下降，几近于毁灭。似乎一个人在一刹那间有过和我一样喜悦的感受后，便会立刻冷眼旁观这个苦难的世界，为日常生活的毒害而困倦，会感觉到躯体之死的重担