Chapter 16 Chapter Sixteen

When Big Sam's people were cooked and their heads were taken off, the little black person hung us upside down on poles and carried us like pigs into the jungle. "What do you think they're going to do with us?" Major Fritch called to me. "I don't know, and I don't care," I growled, which was kind of true.I've had enough of this shit.There is only so much human endurance. In short, after walking for about a day, we came to the village of the little black man. As my friend may have expected, there are small grass huts in the clearing in the jungle.They carried us to a hut in the middle of the clearing, and around the hut stood many little black men—and a toothless little old man with a long white beard, sitting like a baby. In a high chair.

I figured he was the Chief of the Little Negroes. They dumped us out of the nets on the ground and untied us and we got up and patted the dust off of us and the little black chief babbled something and then he climbed off his chair and went right up to Sue, Kick it in the crotch. "Why did he kick it?" I asked Gurlock, who had learned to speak a little English while living with Major Fritch. "He wants to know whether the ape is male or female," said Gurlock. I thought there must be a more polite way of making that clear, but I said nothing. Then the chief came up to me and babbled again—probably black person talk or something—and I was about to get kicked in the groin too, but Gurlock said, "He wants to know why you're talking to those trapped cannibals live together."

"Tell him it wasn't our idea," began Major Fritch. "I have an idea," I said. "Tell them I'm an American musician." Gurlock told this to the chief, and the chief looked at us for a long time, and then he asked Gurlock a word. "What did he say?" demanded Major Fritch. "He played something to the ape," said Gurlock. "Tell him apes play spears," I said, and Gurlock repeated it, and the little black chief announced that he wanted to hear us play. I took out my harmonica and played a little tune—"Camp Town Race."The little black chief listened for a while, then started clapping and doing something like a square dance.

After I finished he asked what instruments Major Fritch and Gurlock would play, and I called Gurlock and told him Major Fritch played knives and Gurlock didn't—he was the manager. The little chief looked a little bewildered, and said he never heard anyone could play a spear or a knife, but he told the folks to give some spears to Sue and some knives to Major Fritch, and said he'd see if we could play what music. As soon as we got our spears and knives.I was like, "Okay--do it!" and immediately Sue hit the little black person chief on the head with his spear, and Major Fritch frightened some of the little niggers with his knives.We fled into the jungle with the little Negro close behind.The little black man has been throwing all kinds of stones, arrowheads and darts at us from behind.All of a sudden we're down to the river with nowhere to go, and the little black person's going to get us.We were about to jump into the river and swim for our lives, when suddenly there was a rifle shot from the opposite bank.

The little blacks had already rushed to them, but with another gunshot, they immediately turned around and fled back into the jungle.We looked across the bank and oh my god there were two guys in jungle jackets and white helmets on the other bank.They got into a canoe and paddled toward us, and as they got closer I saw "NASA" written on one of their helmets.We were finally rescued. After the canoe landed, the guy with the "NASA" helmet got off the boat and walked towards us.He went all the way up to Sue, held out his hand, and said, "Is that Mr. Kim?" "Where the hell are you bastards hiding?" Major Fritch yelled. "We've been stuck in this goddamn jungle for almost four full fucking years!"

"I'm sorry, ma'am," said the fellow, "but we have priorities, you know." In short, we have at last escaped a fate worse than death.They loaded us into canoes and paddled downstream.One of the guys said, "Well folks, civilization's on the way. I think you guys can sell your experiences to publishers and make a lot of money." "Stop the ship!" Major Fritch ordered suddenly. The two guys looked at each other, but paddled the canoe to the shore anyway. "I've decided," said Major Fritch. "I've found the first man in my life who understands me, and I'm not going to give him up. Gurlock and I have lived happily in this place for nearly four years, and I've decided to stay here with him. We'll go back to the jungle and build our new Live, raise a litter of children, and live happily ever after.”

"But, this man's a cannibal," said one fellow. "You go and have a good time, man," said Major Fritch, and he and Gurlock got out of the boat and walked back to the jungle hand in hand.Before they were out of sight, Major Fritch turned back and waved to Sue and me, and they were gone. I look back at Sue sitting in the stern of the canoe wringing his paws. "Wait." I said to the two guys.I went over and sat down with Sue and said, "What were you thinking?" Sue didn't make a sound, but there was a little tear in his eye, and I knew what was going to happen.It grabbed my shoulder and hugged me hard, then jumped out of the boat and circled to the shore-a tree.Finally, I saw it hanging - a vine swinging through the jungle, and disappeared.

The NASA guy shook his head. "Well, what about you, idiot? Are you going to stay with your friends in this wild place?" I looked at their backs for a long time before saying, "Uh, no." Then I sat back in the canoe.As they paddled down the river, the thought of staying really crossed my mind.But I can't do it.I think maybe I have other desires to fulfill. They flew me back to the United States and told me that there would be a grand welcome party for me in the country, but I seem to have heard this before.But really, as soon as the plane landed at the Washington airport, there were like a million people clapping and cheering, like they were happy to see me.They put me into town in the back of a big black car and said they were going to take me to the White House to meet the president.Yes, I've been to that place too.

Ugh, when I got to the White House, I thought I'd meet the old president who bought me breakfast and watched Beverly Hillsman, but now they got a new president - one with his hair slicked back , with bulging cheeks and a nose like a wattle. "Tell me," said the president, "is your trip exciting?" A guy in a suit standing next to the president whispered something into his ear, and the president snapped back, "Uh, ah, I mean, it's really nice of you to be escaping life in the jungle." The guy in the suit whispered something to the President again, and the President said to me, "Well, where's your mate?" "Sue?" I said. "Is that her name?" Now he looked at the two cards in his hand. "It says a Jenny.

Major Fritch, and said that although you were rescued, she was dragged back into the jungle by force. " "Where did this passage come from?" I asked. "It's written here!" said the President. "That's not the case," I said. "Are you implying I'm lying?" the president said. "I'm just saying that's not the case," I said. "You hear me clearly," the president said, "I am your commander-in-chief. I am not a bad guy. I do not lie!" "I'm sorry," I said, "but that's not the case with Major Fritch. You delete that from the card, but—"

"Cassette!" roared the President. "Huh?" I said. "No, no," the guy in the suit said hastily to the President, "he said 'card'—not 'cassette'—Mr. President." "Cassette!" the president screamed. "I told you never to say that word in front of me again! You're all disloyal pigs!" The President slammed his fist on his own knee. "You all don't understand. I don't know anything! I haven't heard of anything! Even if I have heard of it, either I forgot, or it is top secret!" "But, Mr. President," said the guy in the suit, "he didn't say that word, he just said—" "Oh, you say I'm lying!" he said, "You're fired!" "But you can't fire me," said the guy, "I'm the vice president." "Well, I'm sorry I have to say that," said the President, "but you can't be President if you go around calling your general a liar." "Well, I think you're right," the vice president said, "forgive me." "No, I beg your pardon," the president said. "Whatever," said the vice president, looking a little fidgety. "Excuse me, I have to pee." "That's the first sensible opinion I've heard all day," the president said. Then he turned to me, "By the way, aren't you the ping-pong guy?" I said: "Yeah." "Do you have a TV?" I asked. The president looked at me funny. "Well, there's one, but I don't watch much TV these days. Too much bad news." "Have you ever seen 'Beverly Hillsman'?" I said. "It hasn't aired yet," he said. "What's playing now?" I asked. "Truth'—you don't want to watch this show, though—is bullshit," he said, "uh, I have to go to a meeting, shall I walk you to the door?" Going outside on the balcony, the President lowered his He said in a low voice, "Hey, do you want to buy a watch?" I said, "Huh?" So he leaned next to me, rolled up the sleeves of his suit, and, oops, there were at least twenty or thirty watches on his arms. "I don't have any money," I said. The President dropped his sleeves and patted me on the back. "Well, come back when you have money, we can discuss it, huh?" He shook my hand, a horde of photographers swarmed up to take pictures, and I was gone.I have to say, though, that the president seemed like a nice guy. Anyway, I don't know what they're going to do with me right now, but I don't have to speculate for long. They put me up in a hotel after a day or so when the excitement cooled down, but two guys came into my room one afternoon and said, "Listen, Gump, the free lunch is over. The government doesn't Burden this again—you can do it yourself from now on.” "Well, all right," I said, "but how about some money to get home. I'm a little short of money now." "Save it, Gump,'" they said. "You're lucky you didn't go to jail for knocking out the Senate Recorder with your medal. We've helped you out of jail—but, from now on, we've got nothing to do with you." So, I had to leave the hotel.Since I didn't have luggage, it wasn't difficult to walk, so I just walked up the street.After walking for a while, passing the White House where the president lived, unexpectedly, there was a large group of people in front of the White House, wearing rubber masks made of the president's face, and holding some slogans.I guess he must be very happy to be so popular with everyone.