Chapter 6 "The Sow Girl" Part 1 The Pain I Can't Understand

incomprehensible pain (1) I know how troublesome and disturbing this story can be, how it can confuse people's minds.I foresee endless trouble, and possibly jail time, for the publisher who accepts this manuscript.I hereby ask his forgiveness for disturbing him.But this book had to be written, and it couldn't be delayed, because if people found out what I was like, no one would listen to me, no one would believe me.But when I picked up the pen I had terrible convulsions, and because of the lack of light I had to stop when it got dark, and I wrote very, very slowly.How hard it was to find this book, how the sludge made everything smudged and blurred the freshly dried ink.These, I will not tell you.

The publisher who has the patience to recognize these pig-related texts, I hope he too will notice the great effort I have made to write as readable as possible.Recalling is already very difficult for me, but if I put my mind to it and try to go back in time, that is to say, back in time before the event happened, I can still remember the past. It must be confessed that the new life I led, the simple and light food I was content with, the country life which suited me perfectly, and my amazing ability to endure the cold (which I only discovered as winter approached), all of this would not Reminds me of the hardest days of the past.As I recall, at the time of the incident, I was out of a job, and looking for a job caused me pain that I still can't understand.Readers, especially unemployed readers, please forgive me for these indecent remarks.But in this book, I have no indecent words or deeds!Anyone who may feel offended must forgive me.

I was looking for a job, I went to interviews, got nothing, and finally heard back when I sent a cover letter to a perfume chain, and by the way, I remembered I used those words.The chain store owner put his arms around me, sat me on his lap, and squeezed my right breast with one hand, apparently finding it elastic.At my age, guys thought I was stretchy. I gained a little weight, maybe two kilos, because I was always hungry.But these two kilograms are distributed all over my body Very well proportioned, I could see it in the mirror.Without doing any exercise or doing anything special, my body is firmer, smoother, and fuller than it was before.It is now clear to me that this weight gain and physical quality were the first signs.

The chain store owner squeezed my right breast with one hand and the contract with the other.I felt my breasts throbbing because of the excitement of seeing the contract being signed, and because I saw my flesh, how to say it, as full as it was inflated.The chain store owner told me that in a perfumery it is important to always be beautiful and well groomed.He said I might like work clothes that were cut very narrowly, that would suit me perfectly.His fingers dropped a little more, undoing the button that was to be undone, and thus obliged to put the contract on the desk. I looked over his shoulder and read the contract over and over—a half-day job, paid roughly half minimum wage, which would allow me to pay off the rent and buy a dress or two.The contract also clearly states that I will get some cosmetics when the warehouse is cleared every year.Get the loudest brand and most expensive cosmetics!The boss made me kneel in front of him, and while I was doing that, I was thinking about the make-up, how I would smell good, how I would look good.Perhaps I could still please Honoré more.

The morning I met Honoré, I pulled out my old bathing suit from the closet for the fifth spring in a row, and when I tried it on, I found my thighs were red and firm, muscular and round, full of food from.So, one afternoon, I went to the "Water World".It's raining outside, but the "Water World" is always so beautiful and warm.Going to "Waterworld" cost almost one-tenth of my monthly board and lodging expenses, and my mother didn't agree at all. She didn't even give me a subway ticket.I had to cling to a gentleman in order to get over the bar.There are always a lot of gentlemen waiting for young girls at the subway bars.I felt distinctly that I had influenced that gentleman, in short, much more than usual.

In the dressing room at "Waterworld", I have to wash my dress carefully.In the locker room at "Waterworld", always be careful to see if the door is closed tightly.When the dressing room is taken by a couple, you need to know how to slip away.There, too, there is always a gentleman waiting for a woman at the side door.It was good money to be in "Waterworld", but I was always reluctant to go in, even when my mother threatened to throw me out.In the empty locker room, I hurriedly undressed and put on my bathing suit.There, in the beautiful gilt mirror, I found myself again—sorry for saying this—I found myself unbelievably beautiful again, like the beauties in the magazines, but more attractive.I shower with a sample of the very fragrant free body wash.

The door opened, but only women entered, not men.We can enjoy a certain peace.The women laughed and undressed.It was a group of wealthy Muslim women who came in in beautiful, extremely long dresses, stretching the sheer gauze skirts tight with their bodies in the shower.These women surrounded me, exclaiming how beautiful I was.They gave me a sample of a fine perfume and some change, and I felt safe with them. "Water World" is a place to relax the mind, but still be careful.So when Honoré approached me in the water, I swam away desperately.But perhaps it was this that most tempted him (I was a good swimmer then).But then, when he offered me a drink at the Tropical Bar, I saw right away that he was a nice guy.We were both sweating profusely in our wet bathing suits in the Tropical Bar.

There were many mirrors on the ceiling, and I saw myself blushing, and a tall black man fanning us.We sipped luscious colorful cocktails and listened to island country music when we suddenly realized we had swum far.It's time for a big wave.Honoré told me that at certain private receptions, people would put a few sharks in the swimming pool, and the sharks would die in five minutes in fresh water.For five minutes, they chase down guests who swim too slowly, which seems to create a unique atmosphere in the celebration.Later, we soaked in the red water again until dawn. Honoré is a teacher in a large middle school in the suburbs.He hated private receptions and never even went to student parties.I said to him, I want to read some books, but he told me not to read, the students are all corrupt, and he came to "Water World" to find pure girls.

Honoré and I got on very well, and he asked me if I sometimes went to private parties, and I told him never, I didn't know anyone.He said he could introduce me to some people.At first, that was what attracted me: this young man was not only decent , and also introduced some relations to me.But in fact, Honoré has no connections, he has not established any connections because of his work, maybe he wants to rely on me to be invited to high-end places. When we left, Honoré bought me a dress in the exclusive shop at "Waterworld", a sheer sky blue dress that I've never worn for anyone else, only for him.We had sex for the first time in the fitting room of that fancy store.I looked at myself in the mirror and saw Honoré's arms around my waist.His fingers made eight elastic marks on my skin.Honoré gasped and said that he had never seen such a pure girl.

Those Muslim women also came into this fancy shop and we listened to them talking in their language.Honoré watched me as she dressed.I was naked and felt a little cold.The woman in the shop brought mint tea and refreshments, which she handed us in under the fitting room door.She is careful and very skilled.I thought to myself, I would love to have such a job. Later, in the perfume shop, my job was not any different.The chain that hired me sells a variety of fragrances, and each fragrance has a trial room where customers have to try the fragrances on various parts of the body and wait to see how they work, which takes time.I have customers sit on the big sofa in the testing room, and I have to explain to them that the effect of the fragrance can only be seen when the body is relaxed.

incomprehensible pain (2) I trained like a chiropractor for a while.I handed out "Delta Mista" and boiled juice from velvet fluff.It's not a bad business.When those Muslim women leave, they always leave more than 5,000 euros with their internet cards.The very trendy shop girl sprayed perfume in front of us, making the whole store smell good.I once said to Honoré that if I opened a fine shop I would never allow myself to fall into this error of taste.In this regard, Honore said, with my figure and such a beautiful face, I can get any high-end store I want.In the end, he got it right.But he didn't want me to work, saying work would make women bad.However, I was disappointed to see that despite his attractive career, his salary was only enough to rent a poor two-bedroom apartment in the suburbs.I immediately said to myself, let's face it, I have to help him as soon as possible. At that time, as soon as I went to the perfume shop, the customers said that I was radiant, and I became an excellent living advertisement for the shop.Because of me, the business in the store is very prosperous, and even the boss congratulates me. Really, the overalls, which are as serious as the white coats in the beauty clinic, fit perfectly, cut very close to the body, with just the right chest and back.It was also at that time that my breasts filled up like thighs and I finally had to give up my size B bra, which was weighing on me so badly.I hadn't gotten my first paycheck yet, and it wasn't easy to get a small amount in advance, because the computer in the finance department was down, so I couldn't buy a size C bra.But the boss reassured me that at my age, they can stand up on their own without buying a bra.Indeed, they stand out, not even in a D size.As a result, the bra was torn, and I bought a bra with the little bread money I had saved up. Honoré asked me some questions, knowing that I had not yet received the money, but I refrained from saying anything, although this little insincerity still pains me.Poor Honore, he doesn't know what it's like to catch the bus with such big breasts without a bra on. In the store, I have more and more male customers, they are generous, and the boss comes to collect money almost every day, and he is more and more satisfied with me.My massage work has been so successful that I even believe my boss is suspecting me of volunteering for a special massage.Under normal circumstances, it takes a while for the boss to instigate the female shop assistant to do such a thing.Turns out, because of the money I was making, I wasn't in danger of getting fired after a few weeks.The boss didn't force me to do anything, everything was being done discreetly. The boss was generous enough to let me live in peace for a long time, and he must have thought I was being bored by the work.And I've never been so energetic in my life.It has nothing to do with Honoré, nor with my new job, which I like very much; nor even with the money, because it will be a long time before I get it anyway, and Just a part, it's never enough to make me independent.Yes, let’s put it this way, the sun was always shining in my head, even in the subway, in the mud that spring, even in the dusty square where I went for a sandwich at noon. However, objectively speaking, this life is not so easy.I have to get up early, but it's strange that whenever the rooster crows, and the roosters in the city crow in response, I wake up.I was alone and no longer had to "delta" in the evening and "extrell" in the morning while Honoré and everyone around me continued to feast.Uncomfortably, I never had time to eat in peace, and yet I was hungry.Sometimes, when I come to the square, I am already hungry.Whether it was the air, or the birds, I don't know, but something in nature suddenly had some effect on me.My girlfriends joked: "It's spring!" They were jealous of Honoré and of my beauty.At the same time, they feel very proud because I sometimes call them and tell them all about my success. Later, things didn't go well, and sometimes it was my customers who made people unhappy.I have fewer and fewer female customers, I think they are freaked out in the store, there is a strange atmosphere in the store.Sometimes the female customers do things that I don't like, and it usually makes me depressed, but with the male customers, I am as happy as a bird.The male customers like it, they all say I'm incredibly pure.I'm getting proud, I mean I'm proud of myself.But that wasn't what made my temper so terrible, and what made me excited about my new life. One of my last female customers was a loyal, soft-eyed one who had aroused my concern.She was a Samanite, came every day, and was very rich.When I gave her a massage, she told me that the changes in my body might be due to hormones.I repeated what my female colleagues said, saying it was spring, but she insisted and said, "No no, it's from you, it's from inside you. Are you sure you're not pregnant?" That month, I menstruation stopped.This can be said to leave me speechless.I told Honore nothing. The lady guest was old and experienced, and I liked her very much.She's one of those women who wants to talk all the time during a massage, and I think she's probably frigid.It must have pleased her too to see me so pretty, so young, and so pure, as they say.She knew I was going to be more excited about being pregnant, and I didn't know how to put it. Nowadays, there are fewer and fewer children, and I am not opposed to having children. Sometimes, I will watch the children in the square.In short, I was getting hungry, and the lady guest felt that there were signs everywhere. "Would you like something to eat?" she asked me.Now, she comes to massage every day, and the male customers mutter and call her old bone.I don't want to eat, but I feel a little disgusted. "It's no different," she told me.She asked me more details.I can't eat a ham sandwich anymore, that stuff makes me nauseous, I even threw up in the square once, it's a shame.Fortunately, it was still early at that time, and neither the customer nor the boss saw me.Suddenly, I eat chicken, which is much better. "Look," said the woman to me, "you want chicken, and I couldn't stand pork when I was pregnant with my first child. Anyway, pork is absolutely to be avoided in pregnancy because it has germs." I know this The female guest had no children at all.A male client told me that she was gay, which was even obvious. incomprehensible pain (3) My period has never come.I was feeling more and more hungry, and for some variety in my meals, I brought boiled eggs and chocolate.Since it is difficult to find fresh vegetables at moderate prices, I asked a male customer to bring me some vegetables from his country home, and he also gave me some apples.Should see how I eat these apples.In the squares, I never had enough time to bite slowly and chew well.My mouth was full of apple juice, and I bit into it with a "click".This is so unique!Eating an apple, surrounded by birds, and resting in the square for a few minutes, what a joy!I want to eat something green, something that comes from nature. One weekend, I couldn't stand the persuasion and went to this male guest's house.In order to let Honore have nothing to say, I made an excuse to go to training.I'm so disappointed, the gentleman's house is beautiful, surrounded by trees, very secluded, surrounded by fields, I have never seen such a sight.But I was in the house all weekend and the man invited some of his friends. Looking through the window at the fields and bushes, I had an absurd desire: to put my nose in there, to lie in the grass, to smell and eat the grass.But the male guest has been pestering me all weekend.When I came back, I sat in the car and almost cried.In the car, I don't want to do anything with him anymore, and on the highway, it's dangerous to do that.So, as soon as I entered the city gate, the savage guy threw me down roughly, and I never came to the store again, and I lost a big customer. When I got home, I started bleeding.My stomach hurts so bad I can barely walk.Honoré told me that women always have problems with their bellies.He was lovely and paid to drive me to the gynecologist.The gynecologist panicked and said I had a miscarriage. He stuffed it with cotton and sent me to a clinic.The dilatation and curettage cost a lot of money, but I was so sure I wasn't pregnant that I contradicted the gynecologist for some reason.Anyway he was very angry and treated me like a sleazy whore.I dare not tell him what I did with the male customer and his boyfriends. In the clinic, they screwed me up so badly, I'm sure they got it wrong.I think that if I am pregnant, I will know it, and I should be able to feel it from myself. It can be said that it is a kind of maternal taste.I'm already very sensitive to the smell, but I don't feel it in myself.Moreover, I believe that, except for that special female customer, if customers guess that I am pregnant, they will avoid me one after another.They like me the way I am pure, not the way I am now. I have some pain in my stomach, and it still hurts today, it was all caused by them in the clinic.Anyway, I'm still a woman.The reason I still say I am not pregnant is that almost immediately after their supposed miscarriage, my periods stopped again, same symptoms: hunger, nausea, fat, on and on.Despite these unpleasant events - unless they all come together - my mood has always been good. The elderly lady liked me more than ever.She was stubborn, touched my belly, and pointed to me in the mirror.My stomach has become very round, a bit round for my liking.But the guys still think I'm sexy, they count on that, and even line up.The lady customer spent a lot of time with me, she was the last woman in the store, my only girlfriend, because I was radiant, as she said.And this kind of "brilliance" can be said to have discouraged all my female colleagues. I enjoyed chatting with this lady, whose body did not offend me.I find it interesting to think about where I will be in a few years.I was completely wrong.The lady gave me some dresses that I could still wear, and once even gave me a piece of jewelry that she no longer liked.Later she was killed.One day, she didn't come back, and people found her body under a tree in the square, which was horrible.From then on, I often met one of her girlfriends, dressed in black, who came to the square to cry under the tree.It's nice to have such friends, but I don't have any female clients to chat with me anymore, and I have to face the problem of menstruation alone again. In a way, I was relieved to lose that woman, because I knew perfectly well that I wasn't pregnant, that she wanted me to be, and forced me out of my head.Those men, at least they don't use this kind of caring method, they don't need to look at me to know how I am.In fact, they only care about themselves.They were very proud to touch me.In fact, I like their indifference, because I feel that I have grown too fat, and I am not as beautiful as before.However, since I only deal with regulars at the store, I don't have to worry about what newcomers think of me.All my male clients are satisfied that I am to their liking.They needn't bother, the slightest change in me would make them feel out of place, I believe that's exactly what it says.I've been thinking about it all since then.I tried to get to know my male clients, especially in order to be able to accommodate all of them, and my part-time job became a full-time job without realizing it. incomprehensible pain (4) I had strange thoughts, which I had never had before, and I can say so now.I started to rate and even favor my male clients.I was very upset when I saw some of the male customers, luckily I refrained from showing it, and I believe that these new thoughts and various other changes have something to do with the lack of menstruation.Even if I perpetually maintained this strangely good temper and good figure, I found it increasingly difficult to bear certain eccentricities of my guests. I have my own ideas about everything.I kept silent, and of course I got fucked, or they wouldn't pay me.But due to the cessation of menstruation, I feel that my body has not obeyed.My body directs my brain.I realize now how much it cost me, and while I was happy in the bottom of my heart to get rid of those customers, at the time, I believed that people could pay for their bodies with their eyes closed.And, it totally works.From the time I was a bit overweight, before my customers even knew it, I started loathing myself.I look at myself in the mirror and wow, I've got wrinkles around my waist, almost cellulite!Now, thinking about it makes me laugh. I tried to eat less sandwiches and even lunch, which kept me gaining weight.Before my eyes are pictures of fashion models hanging in perfume shops.I felt that my whole body was congested and became red.Customers with me have unknowingly picked up the habit of farmers who don't notice anything and are too concerned with themselves and their own happiness.But because of their new desire, the massage table became a haystack in the field, some people started to eat grass, others sniffed like pigs, and slowly they all fell down.I thought, if finally my menstruation came back, I would bleed all the blood, and I would be as fresh and lovely as a young girl again, so I kind of wanted to bleed.Those guests, they themselves are getting fatter and fatter.Under their weight, my knees ached and my eyes stared.I saw the knife, I saw the cutting board. I bought fake appliances for Honoré's kitchen, he loves trendy appliances.Later, I had to face the truth, because I started thinking about everything and having ideas about everything.If I was sane, I could no longer ignore my current situation and avoid the fact that I was pregnant. I gained six kilograms in one month, especially my stomach, chest and thighs were very fat.My cheeks were fat and red, almost like a mask, and I was always hungry.At night, I had strange dreams. I saw blood and pig blood sausages, and I got up and vomited.I'm still ashamed of these fantastic dreams, but that's what it is.I'm trying to figure it out.Sometimes, I am so sure, so uncannily sober, that it scares me.Pregnancy can be said to be the only objective and rational connection between all these signs. Honoré wanted me to stop working, he was suspicious, he must have doubted something.But paradoxically, besides that, he was very proud of me.All over the capital, everyone was talking about the perfumery I worked in, the trendiest perfumery, and celebrities came to see me from afar.Honoré sees nothing but money coming in, as evidenced by those appliances.Afterwards, he had nothing to complain about, and with the exception of a few weekends, I had to go home every night no matter what.All in all, I don't make money more than a third of the time. I had decided not to tell Honoré, because if he knew I was pregnant he would try to keep me at home.I would receive an antenatal allowance for three months, which was much more than my salary, and then I would be locked up at home with Honoré.But I wanted to keep my job, but I didn't quite understand why.It's like a window, I can see the square, I can see the birds.Anyway, as long as people know I'm pregnant, I can't keep my job.How should I tell my boss about this?It is simply unimaginable.He would accuse me of being careless, but I didn't make enough money to be careful.For Honoré, these things about the stomach should be taken care of by women.And because of that, I believed I was pregnant because I wasn't careful.Still, there is some necessary connection to life, at least as far as I can say now that I suspect it. My only magic weapon is my inflatable waist, but I have to admit, I'm slowly losing it.In another month or two, I won't be able to wear work clothes at all, and my stomach will be distended.Wearing camisoles and topless low necklines is less exciting now because I'm so fat. The first clearance, which happened to be the first anniversary of my employment, I got some leftover makeup powder, which I put on every morning, and it made my peasant woman's waist and red face look a little better.I can last another month, but I'm getting hair all over my body Fat is not limited to the stomach.My belly is not the same as that of a pregnant woman at all. It is not a nice round shape, but some fat.After all, I've seen pregnant women and know what that's all about.Not long ago, my mother waited until the fifth month of pregnancy before crying and having an abortion. The family needed her salary so much. I barely eat anymore.I was dizzy during the day and had strange dreams every night.Honoré was so overwhelmed by my pig-like purring and then my screaming that he couldn't take it anymore and stopped sleeping with me.I sleep in the living room, which is more comfortable for two people, I can lie on my side as much as I like, and I can snore. However, my sleep was getting worse and I had bags under my eyes, which I tried to get rid of with the two Coconut Grove cosmetics I got as a New Year gift, but the Coconut Grove was expired and dried.I look really funny and the thought of miscarriage scares me like hell.They are not gentle with women who have abortions, and it is said that they are even reluctant to give those women anesthesia.They can only proceed with caution.Also, there's always those dreaded Rangers, which I don't really know much about.I didn't listen to advice at the time, and I'm very lucky to have stayed away from it now. I went to the clinic.I surreptitiously resold some of my best lip balms, afraid of being caught.I was only there for six hours, and the boss was already very unhappy with the fucked-up half day.There's a guy, strapped to an operating table shelf, singing something.But the fool was tied so low that he was still free, and he was forced to see it all.Then the police came and cut off his chains - because he swallowed the keys - and he was covered in my blood.At the clinic, they told him that if he swallowed the keys again, he would not live long.As for me, they said that if I was not careful, after two shavings like this, I would be skinny.They also told me they had never seen such a strange looking womb and that I better watch out or it would cause a whole bunch of problems.They even kept my hysterogram to study. The guy walked me home, he was very pale, and he told me that I would be struck by lightning forever, that I couldn't imagine (unfortunately I could) the consequences of my actions, that I was a fallen girl.And I didn't care what he said, I leaned on his shoulder and went back to the perfume shop.In fact he was so gentle that I couldn't walk at all without him.I was thinking about how to not get blood everywhere, how to withstand the toss of customers.