Chapter 10 chapter eight

"Wake up, Mr. Jankowski, you've had a nightmare." I opened my eyes suddenly, where is this? Oh shit, damn it. "I'm not dreaming." I retorted. "Well, you're really talking in your sleep," said the nurse, the kind black girl again.Why is her name so hard to remember? "What about feeding the cats and stars. Well, don't worry about the cats, I bet they must have been fed, and if you haven't fed them when you woke up, they must be fed by now. Hey, they Why did you use this thing?" She thought about it, and untied the strap that bound my wrist. "You don't want to run away, do you?"

"No way, I just ate bear heart and leopard guts, and complained that the courtyard fed us paste all the time." I peeked at her, "Then my plate slipped across the table." She stopped to look at me, and laughed, "Wow, it's really energetic, that's right." She rubbed my wrists with her warm hands. "My mommy." Her name flashed across my mind like lightning: Rosemary!Ha, so I'm not old enough. Rosemary.Rosemary.Rosemary. I've got to figure out a way to stick it in my head, make up a rhyming sentence or something.Maybe I can remember it this morning, but I can't guarantee that I will remember it tomorrow, and I'm afraid I may not even remember it this afternoon.

She went to the window and opened the blinds. "Can you stay still?" I said. "What?" she responded. "Correct me if I'm wrong. Isn't this my room? What if I don't want to draw the blinds? Let me tell you, everyone thinks they know what I want better than I do, it's really annoying .” Rosemary was dumbfounded, then lowered the blinds, stepped out of the room, and closed the door.I was speechless from ear to ear. After a while, someone knocked on the door three times and opened the door a crack. "Good morning, Mr. Jankowski, may I come in?"

What is she up to? "I said, can I come in?" she repeated. "Of course." I answered quickly. "Thank you," she said, and came in and stood at the end of my bed. "Well, do you want me to open the blinds and let the sunshine of God shine on you? Or would you rather sit in the dark all day?" "Hey, if you want to open the curtains, just open them, don't make trouble." "It's not nonsense, Mr. Jankowski." She went to the window and opened the blinds. "It's not nonsense at all. I never thought about your feelings, thank you for reminding me."

Is she kidding me?I squinted and looked at her face for an answer. "I take it you want to have your breakfast in your room?" I didn't answer, and still couldn't tell if she was teasing me.They've long since had my breakfast fetish on file, but they ask me the same question every morning.Of course I like to eat breakfast in the cafeteria, otherwise I feel like a useless person eating in bed.Unfortunately, it was diaper changing time before breakfast, and the smell of excrement in the hallway made my stomach sick.It's not until an hour or two after every incapacitated guy has been cleaned, fed, and set up in the doorway of their room before you can safely poke your head out.

"Well, Mr. Jankowski, if you want people to respect your wishes, you have to give some hints so that people know what your wishes are." "Yes, I want to eat in my room, please." "Okay, do you want to take a shower before breakfast, or after eating?" "Why do you think I need a shower?" I said, deeply offended, but I wasn't sure I needed a shower yet. "Because today is the day when your family comes to see you." She smiled brightly again, "And you are going out to play this afternoon, I thought you would want to go out refreshed."

go out to play?Oh yes!circus.I have to admit that I got up two days in a row knowing that I was about to go to the circus, and I was really happy. "If it's convenient for you, I'd like to take a shower before having breakfast." As an elderly person, the most undignified thing is that others insist on helping you take a bath and go to the toilet. In fact, I don't need a helper at all, but everyone is afraid that if I fall again, my hip bone will be broken again, so whether I want to or not, I must have someone to accompany me every time I use the bathroom.I have always insisted on doing everything by myself, but I have someone to escort me every time, just in case, and for some reason, the one who sends me is always a woman, but no matter who it is, when I take off my pants and sit down, I will definitely Tell her to go outside and wait for me to finish.

That's okay, it's embarrassing to take a shower.I got to get naked in front of my nurses, and some things never change, so even though I'm over ninety, the old man still sometimes stands up and salutes.I can't do anything about it.They always pretended not to see, I guess that's what they were taught in training.But it's just as embarrassing to pretend not to see, because it means they think I'm just a harmless old man walking a harmless old bird that occasionally stands proudly.Having said that, if any of them took this old bird seriously and what it did, I would probably die of fright.

Rosemary helped me into the shower. "Here, grab the railing over there—" "I know, I've showered before," I said, grabbing the rail and slowly lowering myself into the shower chair.Rosemary took down the shower head so I could use it. "Is this water temperature okay, Mr. Jankowski?" she said, running her hands in and out under the running water, carefully averting her eyes. "Okay, just give me some shampoo and you'll go out, okay?" "What's the matter, Mr. Jankowski. You're really in a bad mood today, aren't you?" She uncapped the shampoo bottle and squeezed a few drops into my palm.A few drops are enough and I only have about ten hairs left on my head.

"Just call out if you need anything," she said, drawing the shower curtain. "I'm right here." "You go out." As soon as she left, I took a shower and washed very well.I removed the shower head from the ledge, flushed close to my body, slid it over my shoulders and down my back, and rinsed my skinny limbs one by one.I even raised my head and closed my eyes, facing my face directly, pretending that it was a shower in the tropics, shaking my head, intoxicated by it.I even enjoyed the water rushing down there, drenching the pink snakes that gave birth to five offspring long ago.

Sometimes, when I'm lying in bed, I close my eyes and think about what a naked woman looks like, especially the touch of a woman's skin.Usually I think of my wife, but not necessarily her.I am completely loyal to her, and I have never had wild food in my sixty years of marriage, but the heroine in my fantasy may not be her.Even if she knew, I don't think she would mind.She is a very understanding woman. God, I miss her so much.Not just because I wouldn't be in a nursing home if she was alive, but it's true.No matter how old we get, we always support each other, always.But after she left, she couldn't do anything against the children's wishes.The first time I wrestled, they set everything up in less time than you can say "popcorn." They said, but Dad, you broke your hipbone, as if I didn't notice the fracture.I became determined after eating the scales and threatened not to leave them even a dime. It was only later that I remembered that the property had already passed into their names.They didn't point it out either, and let me babble like an old fool until I remembered it.After remembering, my anger increased by three points.If they had any respect for me, they'd at least remind me of the truth.I felt like they were treating me like a little tantrum waiting for me to cool off. I gradually realized that I was at a loss and helpless, and my position gradually wavered. I backed down and told the kids that you were right, that with "some" assistance with daily life, just ask someone to come and help during the day, as long as you cook and clean up, and it probably wouldn't be too bad.Can not be done?Well, how about a live-in caregiver?I admit, I've lost "a little bit" since your mother passed away... but you didn't say... well, look who's going to move in with me... no, I don't understand... uh, Simon Ah, your house is big, I can always...? No way is no way. I remember the last time I left the house, they tied me up like a cat hitchhiking to the vet.When the car started, tears blurred my vision, and I couldn't see my home at all. They said that the place I went was not a nursing home, but an apartment for the elderly with special assistance in daily life.You see, it's gradual, at first you're only helped when you need it, and then as you get older and older... Every time they say this, they lose their voices, as if as long as they don't say it, I won't draw conclusions based on logic. For a long time, I felt that my five children had betrayed me, but none of them proposed to let me live together.Now I don't think so.I have a lot of time to think about it, but they already have enough troubles, let alone me. Simon was in his seventies and had at least one heart attack.Ruth has diabetes and Peter has a prostate problem.When Joseph and his wife went to Greece, the wife ran away with a boy.Although Dinah appeared to be cured of her breast cancer, thank goodness, her granddaughter had two children out of wedlock and got caught walking in a store, so Dinah took her home to try and put her back on track. And these are just troubles that I know about, and there's a whole bunch of other stuff they keep from me for fear I'll be upset.I've heard rumors of several things, but when asked about them they've been very tight-lipped.You know, you can't make grandpa sad. What's the point?I really want to know what's the point of all this.It was so strange that they excluded me in order to protect me, but they just wrote me off.Hate.How can I join their conversation if I don't know anything about them? I thought it over and over again, and realized that it wasn't about protecting me at all, but that they wanted to protect themselves so that when I died, they wouldn't be too sad.It's like teens alienating their parents before they're ready to start their own.When Simon became choked up at the age of sixteen, I thought there was something wrong with him.When Dinah was that age, I realized that there was nothing wrong with her, that everything was natural. Although my family kept everything from me, they were absolutely diligent in visiting me.Every Sunday, against all odds, someone comes to see me.When they come, they will babble, babble, comment on the weather, tell you what they did on vacation, how the lunch dishes are, and chat like this until five o'clock, they will look at the clock gratefully and say goodbye. Sometimes they try to convince me to play bingo in the social room before they leave, like the group who came to see me a fortnight ago.They said, don't you want to play a game?We can push you there by the way, it should be fun. I said sure it's fun, but only if you're a kale.They laughed.I'm not kidding, but I'm still having fun.People my age snicker as long as people respond to your words.At least they're still listening. I can't really blame them for their lack of interest in my clichés.My real experiences are all outdated.So what if I experienced the Spanish flu, the advent of the automobile, the World Wars, the Cold War, guerrilla warfare, and the first Sputnik?That was all eight hundred years ago.What else can I say?There are no more ups and downs in my life.Getting older is what it is, and that’s the heart of the matter.I'm not ready to be an old man. But I shouldn't complain, today is the day to go to the circus. Rosemary brought me breakfast.When she opened the brown plastic lid, I saw that she had added whipped cream and brown sugar to the porridge. "Don't tell Dr. Rashid I gave you whipped cream," she said. "Why not, shouldn't I have whipped cream?" "It's not about you, it's just that the menu is designed for that. Some people don't digest fatty foods as well as they used to." "What about the cream?" I was so indignant, my head rewinding the past weeks, months, years, trying to remember the last time I saw whipped cream or whipped cream.Terrible, she hit the nail on the head.How did I not notice it?Maybe I noticed it, and I hated the food so much.Hmph, no wonder.I guess they also cut back on our salt intake. "This menu is said to keep you healthy longer." She shook her head as she spoke. "What I don't understand is why people who have reached their golden years can't enjoy a little cream." She looked up at me with sharp eyes, "Do you still have your gallbladder?" "exist." Her face softened again: "Okay, in this case, enjoy the whipped cream, Mr. Jankowski. Do you want to watch TV while you eat?" "No, it's just crap these days anyway," I said. "It's true." She folded the quilt and put it at the end of the bed, "If you need anything, just ring the bell and call me." After she left, I made up my mind to be nice, but first I had to find a way to remember my decision.I don't have strings to tie around my fingers, but I can use paper towels instead.When I was young, the movies were like that, tie a string around my finger and remind myself of something, that's it. Reaching for a tissue, I caught a glimpse of my own hands, crooked and thin, and as riddled with age spots as my disfigured face. my face.I push the cereal aside and open the vanity mirror.I should have known what I looked like by now, but somehow I was still expecting to see myself in the mirror, and what I saw instead was an Appalachian apple doll, shriveled and blotchy. And there are more drooping flesh, bags under the eyes and long protruding ears.A few white hairs protruding from the spotted head, it's ridiculous. I tried my best to smooth my hair with my hands, and when I saw the old hands raised on the old head in the mirror, I couldn't help froze.I moved closer to the mirror, my eyes wide open, trying to see through the sagging flesh. It doesn't help.Even if I looked directly into the cloudy blue eyes, I couldn't find my image.Since when am I no longer me? I was so sick I couldn't eat.I put back the brown oatmeal lid, struggled to find the button that controlled the bed set, and pushed the button that lays the head of the bed flat so the tabletop sits high above me like a vulture.Hey, wait, there's a button to lower the bed.Well, now I can sleep on my side without getting stuck on the damn table and knocking over my cereal.I'm not going to overturn the food, lest they say I'm mad and call in Dr. Rashid. As soon as the bed was at its lowest level, I lay on my side, looking through the blinds at the blue sky outside.After a few minutes, I fell into a state of calm. The sky, the sky, the sky that never changes.

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