Chapter 14 Auntie's sorrow

Auntie's sorrow ——Xu Anmei's story one Yesterday, my daughter said to me, "Mom, my marriage...is over." Now, she can only watch it finish.She was lying on the examination bed of a psychiatrist, crying endlessly. She just kept shouting: "There is no way, there is no way!" She didn't know that she should try harder, if she didn't, she would lose her chance forever. I know it all too well, because I grew up with the Chinese way of life; I was raised to be ascetic, to swallow the bitter fruit planted by others and planted by myself, as the saying goes, knocked out teeth, bloody teeth Swallow it down.

Although for my daughter, I used a completely opposite method to educate her, but it may be because she was born by me, and she happened to be a girl, so she still showed the indecision of oriental women. We are like steps, one step after another. I know how to keep silent, how to observe and listen to the world, life is a dream. When you don't want to see something, you can close your eyes.But what can you do if you don't like to hear something?To this day, I still hear the scene that happened more than 60 years ago. That time, at my uncle's house in Ningbo, I saw my mother for the first time.To me, she was like a stranger.

But I think she is my mother, because I can feel her pain. At that time, my aunt warned me: "You don't even pay attention to that woman. She threw her face into the sea. How can she have any heart? She only has an old skin!" In fact, my mother is not as miserable as they describe at all.I really want to touch her face lightly, she looks just like me. I saw her wearing strange foreign clothes, and she didn't speak back when my aunt scolded her.My uncle slapped her because she called him brother, but she didn't make a sound, but lowered her head even lower. When her grandmother died, she cried like hell, even though she was the one who kicked her out of the house many years ago.As soon as grandma's funeral was over, she obeyed her uncle and immediately returned to Tianjin.To go there, to be her fourth aunt, completely violated the usual rule that one woman should not serve two husbands.

Why didn't she take me there?But I can't ask.I am a child, I can only listen more and ask less. Just the night before she left home, she held me in her arms and pressed my head to her chest, as if to protect me from an invisible disaster.She let me just snuggle in her arms like this, and told me such a story. "Anmei, have you seen the turtle we kept in the pool?" I nod.I often tap the water with a small wooden stick at the edge of the pool to lure the turtle hidden under the stone to swim out. "When I was your age, the tortoise was already there," my mother said. "At that time, I used to sit by the pool and watch it rise to the surface and breathe in with its small pointed mouth. That's a very, very old turtle."

"This tortoise is very human." My mother went on to say, "One day, when I was only your age, my grandmother told me very seriously that I was no longer a child. Therefore, I can no longer run around, dig crickets and dig bird eggs, and I can’t cry when I encounter something unsatisfactory. I must obediently obey the adults, otherwise, I will have my head shaved and sent to a nunnery to do it. nun. "Grandma just said that to me and left. I quickly came to the small pond and finally cried. At this time, I saw the turtle come up, and I saw it pouted its pointed mouth, swallowing my teardrops that fell on the water one by one, three, four, five... Then it swallowed slowly. Tun crawled out of the small pool, climbed up a large flat rock, and spoke.

"The tortoise said, 'I swallowed your tears, so I know you are suffering, but I must warn you, if you cry like this often, there will be much pain and sorrow in your life!' "Then the tortoise opened its mouth and spit out one, two, three...a total of seven pearl-sized eggs, and then the egg shells were peeled off one by one, and seven little birds came out of them. As soon as they came out of their shells, they began to chirp and sing, carefree. With their snow-white belly and beautiful singing voice, I guessed that they were magpies, the kind of magpies that specially bring good news to people. When I reached out to catch When one of them lived, they all flapped their wings and flew away one by one, leaving a long series of happy calls in the air.

"'Now look!' said the tortoise, sauntering back into the pool again. 'What's the use of crying? Your tears don't wash away your sorrows, but feed others' joys, so you must Learn to swallow your own tears!'” But after my mother finished telling the story, I saw her crying herself, which made me cry too. This is our destiny, like two turtles kept at the bottom of the water, separated by water Lianlian's tearful eyes, come to look at this world. The next morning, I was awakened in my sleep by loud curses—not magpie chirps—and I flung myself to the window panes.

In the yard outside, I saw my mother kneeling there, desperately scratching the gravel path with her hands, her brother and my uncle standing upright in front of her.He was throwing a fit there. "You want to take your daughter away? Do you want to destroy her?" He stomped his feet angrily, "You should have died long ago!" The mother just prostrated herself on the ground without saying a word.Her back lay there motionless, like the rounded back of the turtle in the pool.She pursed her lips tightly to prevent herself from crying, and I also pursed my lips tightly, swallowing the salty and bitter tears.

I dressed hastily, and ran down the stairs to the vestibule, where my mother was getting ready to leave, and a servant was carrying boxes out for her.My aunt stood watching while holding my brother's hand. "Mom!" I cried out. "Look at you," the uncle cried out in surprise, "you've taught your daughter badly!" My mother lowered her head and glanced at me. I couldn't help my eyes becoming hot and tears streaming down my face.I thought, my mother must have seen me cry, so she straightened her chest, making her look taller than my uncle, she stretched out her hands to me, and I immediately ran towards her.She said to me in a loving and calm tone: "Anmei, I'm not forcing you, I'm just telling you, I'm going back to Tianjin, can you go with me?"

The uncle immediately gritted his teeth and said, "Follow you? Let this little girl be like you? Anmei, don't think you can see anything new in the world. You get in a brand new carriage, but the old one pulling the carriage in front is still the same. Donkey, your whole life is just like the old donkey in front of you!" What my uncle said made me even more determined to leave.For I knew very well that all I could see in front of me was my uncle's dark, oppressive house, filled with inexplicable horrors I would never understand.I slowly turned my head to look at my mother.

Uncle picked up a porcelain vase and said, "Are you really going to follow her? You will never be able to lift your head up." As he spoke, he threw the vase hard on the ground, and with a "wow", the fragments splashed all over the ground. I shivered in fright, and my mother gently took me over. Her hands are warm. "Let's go, Anmei, we have to hurry up." She said, looking up at the sky. "Anmei!" My aunt called sadly from behind me. "Forget it!" Uncle interrupted her. "Forget it" in Chinese means it's over, "She has already changed." When I was about to step into a new life, I began to doubt what my uncle said: I will never lift my head up. So, I tried to lift my head up, and I did. At this time, my eyes touched my younger brother who was held by my aunt, who was crying loudly.The mother dared not take the younger brother away.A son can never enter the home of anyone with a different surname, otherwise, it will really ruin him.But I know he can't think of this at the moment. The reason why he weeps is because he was frightened, because he felt wronged, because his mother didn't take him away. What my uncle said was right. When I saw my younger brother who was crying so hard, I couldn't lift my head anymore. We hired a rickshaw and hurried to the train station.In the car, my mother whispered to me: "Poor Anmei, only you know the pain in my mother's heart." After hearing that, I felt very proud. It wasn't until I got on the train that I realized that the new life was still very far away from me, which made me very panicky. We spent a total of seven days and nights on the road: one day by train and six days by water.Along the way, I frequently looked back at the fading road that was left behind, while listening to my mother talking about Tianjin with great interest. She counted the snacks and brought all kinds of delicious things: Lantern Festival, boiled peanuts and so on.And my mother's favorite food is a kind of pancake with an egg in the middle, and then spread a layer of dark bean paste on it, then roll it up, and eat it hot in your hand! She also described this port city and its delicious seafood to me in detail, and thought it was far more than what we could eat in Ningbo.The huge fresh and fat clams, prawns, crabs, and all kinds of sea fish and freshwater fish are all first-class. Otherwise, why would so many foreigners come to this port? And in this port, there are also various foreign concessions: Japanese, White Russians, Americans, Germans...but they all manage their own and do not communicate with each other.They maintain different living habits: some pay attention to cleanliness, some are sloppy, and even their housing styles are different, with different shapes and colors: some are painted pink, and they are like Victorian dresses. , and the white-painted wooden carved roof, which looks like an ivory roof. In winter, I will see real snow.Mother said that in a few months, it will be the cold dew season.It will rain at that time, and then gradually, the raindrops will turn into pieces of white petals, that is snow.But it doesn't matter, she will wrap me in a fur-trimmed coat to keep me warm. On the fifth day, the ship began to approach Tianjin Port, and the yellow and turbid water waves beat against the ship's side from time to time. As Tianjin Port approached, the color of the water waves began to darken, and finally turned black, and the hull began to shake violently.I feel scared and sick.This dirty water reminded me of what my aunt said: Throw your own face into the sea. The filthy water is so dirty, so dirty, how can it be washed clean once people touch it?My aunt said that it would spoil me, and I was really afraid that her words would come true.I lay on the bed, staring at the water in fear, and I found that my mother's face suddenly became gloomy.She just turned her head and looked at the dark sea in a daze, and my heart became more and more heavy and confused. The dark water really changed my mother.Originally, she was wearing a Chinese-style filial piety dress, but when she was about to reach the shore, when she returned to the living room on the roof deck, she seemed to be a completely different person.She drew thick eyebrows, raised them up towards the temples, and painted dark circles under her eyes, which made her face look paler. Coupled with two blood-red lips, she looked like a completely strange woman.She was wearing a small brown felt hat with a brown feather inserted horizontally on the brim, and two neat rows of bangs hanging on her forehead, which looked like a pair of lacquered wood carvings from a distance. A long brown skirt with white lace hanging down to the waist, with a red rose made of silk pinned to the waist. This is very taboo, because we are still wearing mourning!But I'm just a kid, what can I say?How could I blame my own mother?I feel ashamed of her seeing her so recklessly dressed up and dressed up. At this time, my mother took out a large cream-colored paper box and handed it to me. "Open it!" I saw "British Refined All Kinds of Fashion·Tianjin" printed on the box.My mother just stared at me and smiled silently: "Hurry up!" Until many, many years later, when I used this cream-yellow carton to store letters and photos, I was still very puzzled. After being separated from me for so long, how can I be sure that I will follow her, and when I do, I will need to wear a completely different new dress? As soon as I opened the box, all my anxiety and shame for my mother disappeared.Inside the box was a brand new pink and white dress, in addition to a pair of long white stockings, a pair of white leather shoes and a large white silk knot. But everything in the box is a little too big for me.My shoulders can literally stick out of my collar, and my waist is big enough to fit the two of me.But I don't care about that, and neither does she.I stood up straight with my arms raised, and she took out a needle and thread to sew the wide part down for me, and stuffed the toe of my leather shoe with soft paper.Putting on such a new attire, I feel as if I have grown new hands and new feet, and I need to walk with a new kind of gait. But immediately the mother's face turned gloomy again.She sat with her knees folded, silently looking at the approaching pier. "Anmei, you're going to get ready for a new life. You're going to live in a new house. You're going to have a new father, lots of new sisters, and a little brother. You're going to be dressed, Good food, are you happy?" I just nodded and didn't make a sound. I thought of my brother who was far away in Ningbo. He cried so sadly!My mother stopped short and said nothing more about the new family I was about to face, because at this moment the bell rang and the ship's servant announced that the ship had docked.Mother quickly called the porter, showed him our two small boxes, and tipped them at the same time.She did it so smoothly, as if she was doing it every day, and she was very proficient in this set.Then, she opened another box carefully, and I saw five or six dead foxes lying inside. They opened their small mouths, stared at a pair of bright eyes, and dragged a fluffy tail behind them.But my mother put this frightening thing around her neck, and then tightly pulled me down the deck along with the crowd. "Anmei, keep up, why are you walking so slowly!" she kept saying to me.I dragged my heels desperately, but my shoes were too big, which made me feel very strenuous.The crowd was chaotic, people carrying heavy wicker boxes or bundles, yelling and fighting for the way among the crowd, and there were also foreign women dressed like their mothers, walking nervously holding the elbows of their husbands; rich wives They shouted at the maids and servants who followed them... It was almost noon, and although it was warm outside, the sky was covered with gray clouds, layer upon layer. We stood on the side of the road and waited for a long time. Vehicles and rickshaws passed by from time to time, but no one came to pick us up.Mother sighed helplessly, and hired a rickshaw by herself. Mother and the coachman bargained for a long time, and we finally boarded the car.Along the way, she kept complaining about the dust, the smell in the street, the potholes, the delays and her stomach problems, and then she turned her complaints on to me: my new clothes were covered with There's a spot, my hair is messed up, and my twisted snake-like stockings.I tried to change her topic, so I interrupted her from time to time, pointing to a small park and asking her where it was, and pointing to a long two-carriage tram... She became even more impatient: "Sit down, Anmei! Don't watch the excitement. I didn't bring you out to watch the excitement, we're just going home." When we finally got home, both of us were exhausted. two From the very beginning, I expected that my new home would never be an ordinary small household. My mother had told me long ago that the man named Wu Qing was a wealthy businessman who specialized in carpets.He lives in a luxurious house in the British Concession, which is the most exclusive area in Tianjin, not far from Racecourse Road. That house was built by foreigners.Wu Qing is very Western-style and likes foreign goods, because foreigners made him rich, so why does my mother have to wear Western-style clothes.China's nouveau riche all like to show a distinctive richness. But when I really came to Wu Qing's house, I was still overwhelmed by that grandeur. The gate of his house is a Chinese-style arch made entirely of stone, a black and shiny black lacquered gate with a high threshold.The courtyard inside the gate really opened my eyes. There are neither willow trees nor fragrant cinnamon in Moon B, let alone towers, pavilions or lotus ponds. There are two rows of lush dwarf holly, and behind the holly is a green blanket of grass and a fountain. At the end of the corridor is a western-style three-story house, each floor protruding from a long balcony with iron railings. Around the top, four chimney pipes protrude. A young maid greeted me fawningly: "Madam, you're back! I didn't expect that!" The voice was so shrill that it hurt my eardrums.This is Yang Ma, mother's personal maid.She kept calling her mother "Madam", which is a respectful title for housewives in China, which made her look like the real wife of the Wu family, not the concubine. Yang Ma shouted to other servants to help us with our luggage, make tea, and put out the bath water, while hurriedly explaining to her mother: "Second Madam said, Madam, you will not come back for at least a week. Look, I couldn't come to pick you up! The second wife and the others went to Beijing to visit relatives. Oh, is this your daughter? How beautiful, she looks exactly like you, she is shy. The eldest wife, and her daughter, go to the temple I went to burn incense. And..." The furnishings in the house are exquisite, which dazzles me: a staircase with a large circular arc ascends grandly.On the ceiling, various patterns are intricately carved.Scattered and circuitous corridors lead to various rooms, one within the other.On my right is a large room filled with wooden furniture and sofas, and this large room leads to another narrow and long room, which is also full of various furniture and antiques, and the door frames are one after another, making it difficult I'm dizzy.A few figures flashed back and forth in the room from time to time, and Mama Yang introduced: "Here, that young woman is the second wife's personal aunt, and that one is nothing but the daughter of the chief secretary's assistant. This man is The gardener..." We went upstairs to a large living room, then left through the hall and into another room. "This is your mother's room," Yang's mother said to me proudly, "you sleep here." The first thing that caught my eye in the room was a luxurious bed, which looked heavy and light, with rose-colored curtains hanging on it, four dark and shiny wooden dragon pillars on the four corners, and the base of the dragon pillars It is four crouching lions. I threw myself into the chilly bed cover and laughed happily. I found that the soft mattress was ten times softer than the Ningbo bed. Sitting on such a bed, I feel like a little princess.There is a floor-to-ceiling glass window in the room leading directly to the balcony. In front of the window is a round table of the same wood that matches the bed.A servant had already prepared tea and dessert, and at this moment he lit a fire for us to keep warm, which was a small stove that burned coal. This place is not as shabby as our uncle's house in Ningbo, it is really too rich.I don't understand why my uncle scolded her for being shameless when my mother married such a rich man? When I was wondering, I suddenly heard a crisp clanging sound, followed by a burst of music, which came from a big mahogany clock opposite the bed, and the bell door suddenly opened, revealing a room full of guests. In a small room, a bearded man wearing a pointed hat sits at the table drinking soup: one, two, three... A girl in blue dress next to him also bends over to add soup to him: one, two, three... And another girl in a skirt and a short coat is swaying back and forth to play the violin. She always plays a tune that doesn't sound very pleasant, so many years later, I can still remember the melody: Ni—— !La, la, la, la--ne--then! This is a very wonderful clock, but the first time I heard it tell the time, I felt very fresh. After listening to it more, I felt that the sound of the time telling was very annoying, which made me sleep well at night.Gradually, this developed a kind of ability in me: I can ignore all calls that mean nothing to me. In the first few days, I really felt very happy. When I was lying on this big and soft bed with my mother, I thought of my little brother who stayed in Ningbo, and felt very sorry for him. However, everyone in this room A new thing, quickly distracted my mind. I watched in amazement when the faucet was turned on, and the hot water flowed out.The flush toilets were also a novelty to me, as long as the water was flushed, there was no need for a servant to clean them.Every room here is as delicate and exquisite as the mother's room.Mrs. Yang Zhang introduced to me one by one: which one belongs to the eldest wife, which one belongs to the second wife, and some are just guest rooms. But soon, I feel that everything new is no longer new, and I get tired of it very quickly. "Oh, I ate this dish the day before yesterday." "I'm tired of this dessert!" I complained to Yang Zhang from time to time. Mother was happy again.She was wearing a Chinese-style cheongsam with a white trim, which was the filial piety worn for grandma. During the day, she showed me things I had never seen before and taught me their names: bathtubs, Brownie cameras, salad forks, tea towels, and so on.In the evenings, we chatted around the fire, talking about the various servants: who is smart, who is hardworking, who is loyal, and so on.We baked eggs and baked yams on the fire, and there was a sweet smell in the air. It can be said that until then, I have never lived a happier and more comfortable life: I have no worries, no fears, and no desires. My life is as warm and comfortable as that big rose-colored mattress.But soon, I was not happy. One day two weeks later, I was playing football in the back garden when I heard a car horn in the distance. Two dogs in the garden immediately left me and barked happily and ran out. The mother who had been sitting next to me watching me play, her face changed instantly, and she stood up suddenly and hurried into the house.I ran out, only to see two shiny black rickshaws parked at the gate, followed by a black car.A male servant was busy unloading luggage on a rickshaw, and a young maid jumped off another rickshaw. The servants all came out and clustered around the car, their humble and respectful faces reflected on the shiny body. The driver opened the car door, and a young girl jumped out first. She had short hair and a few waves in the back.This girl looked a few years older than me, but she was dressed in the attire of an adult woman, with stockings and high heels.I looked at my white skirt stained with yellow-green grass juice and felt embarrassed. Afterwards, the servants slowly helped out a big man. He was not tall, but he was fat, panting, and looked much older than my mother.His forehead was shiny, and there was a big black mole on the side of his nose.I saw him wearing a Western-style jacket with a woolen vest tightly stretched to his body, and his trousers were very baggy.He kicked off the ground with great difficulty, and walked arrogantly into the house, ignoring those who were waiting for him.People opened the door for him one after another, and some helped him carry his bag and his long coat, and followed him mightily.The young girl stood next to him with a smug smile, and frequently looked back at the followers behind her, as if all their attention and respect were dedicated to her.As soon as she walked in, I heard a servant talking about her: "The third aunt is young, she has no other servants except a nanny." Occasionally, when I looked up, I saw my mother standing on the window sill and watching. She saw everything. Wu Qing married the fifth concubine again.Mom isn't jealous of this girl at all, she doesn't have to be like this.My mother didn't love Wu Qing. In China, a girl is often married not for love, but for status.But my mother's status in the Wu family, as I later learned, was the lowest. Ever since Wu Qing came back with her fifth aunt, her mother never went out and devoted herself to embroidery.Sometimes she would take me out of the city by car in the afternoon, in order to look for a certain color of silk thread, or she couldn't tell its color at all, just as she couldn't explain all her own troubles and unhappiness. So even though everything looks peaceful, I know it's just an illusion.You may wonder, how can a child as young as nine years old feel it?Thinking about it now, even I find it strange.But I seem to be born with a special ability to predict disasters. Fifteen years later, the same ability allows me to hear the bombs dropped by the Japanese in the distance, and I know that an inevitable war has begun. A few days after Wu Qing came back, late at night, I was gently shaken awake by my mother. "Anmei, good boy," she said wearily, "go sleep in Mama Yang's room." I rubbed my eyes sleepily, and saw a dark figure swaying into the room, it was Wu Qing, and I cried. "Don't cry, it's nothing, go to Mama Yang's room," Ma said softly, hugging me on the cold ground, the wooden clock started singing again, and Wu Qing grumbled about the cold weather.I took it to Mama Yang's room. The next morning, I saw Fifth Aunt with a sullen face, just like me.At the breakfast table, in front of everyone, her anger erupted. She loudly scolded the maid for being too slow, and Wu Qing gave her a stern glance like a father, and she burst into tears.But then at noon, the fifth aunt giggled again, put on new clothes and new shoes, and walked around triumphantly. In the afternoon, my mother and I took a rickshaw again to buy embroidery thread. For the first time, my mother poured out her unhappiness to me: "You see, how useless I am!" She cried and said, "Look at me! He has no status in the family, and the new aunt he brought back is an inferior woman, dark and unruly! He just bought her from a bricklayer's house in the countryside for a few dollars. He came to me at night when she wasn't enough for him, and I smelled the bitch from him. "Now you see, my fourth aunt is not as good as fifth aunt, An Mei, you have to keep this in mind. I used to be the wife of a Ming media, the wife of a scholar.Your mother was not born a fourth aunt. " The word "four" came in and out viciously from between her teeth. It sounded like the pronunciation of "death", and I only felt a layer of goosebumps.It reminded me that my grandmother used to say that four was a very unlucky number because if you said it in an angry voice it sounded a lot like that unlucky number. The cold dew has arrived, and the weather is getting colder. The second concubine and the third concubine, with their children and servants, came back to Tianjin.Wu Qing agreed to let his new car pick them up at the train station. Of course, how could such a large group of people fit in one car?So the car followed by a long line of rickshaws, like a line of crickets followed by a fat beetle. Mother stood behind me to meet them.A woman in a plain suit with three girls, one of whom was about my age. "This is the third wife and her three daughters." The mother introduced. The three girls were even shyer than me, but they just lowered their heads and cuddled up to their mother.But I still looked at them intently. They were as simple as my mother, with big teeth, thick lips, and two thick eyebrows, like two big caterpillars.The third wife greeted us enthusiastically, and agreed to let me carry a package for her. "Also, this is the second wife," I clearly felt that my mother's hands on my shoulders became stiff. "But she will want you to call her aunt," she whispered to me. I saw a very fashionable woman in a long black fur coat, holding a fat little boy in her arms, about two years old. "He is my younger brother, your youngest brother." My mother said to me.The little boy was seen wearing a little fur hat like his mother's fur coat, while playing with his fingers on the string of pearls hanging on her chest.I wondered how she could have such a young child. Although the second aunt was very beautiful and seemed healthy, she was quite old, at least forty-five years old. She nodded to me with a smile, and the luxurious fur coat was shining with her steps. After she looked at me carefully, she saw her slender hands gracefully raised, and took off the string around her neck. Pearls are around my neck. Heh, this is the first time I have touched such a treasure.It was entirely Western in style, a long string of beads of the same size, full and crystal clear, held together at both ends by a silver clasp. The mother immediately declined: "She is still a child, such gifts are too expensive, too expensive! She will break them and even lose them." The second aunt just smiled lightly and said, "Such a pretty little girl, it's time to dress her up!" I immediately noticed that my mother's face was not very happy.She doesn't like the second aunt.I have to be careful not to let my mother feel that the second aunt has won me over, but deep down in my heart, I still can't help holding a special affection for the second aunt. "Thank you big mother!" I said to my second aunt, with a happy smile on my face. In the afternoon, when I was having tea in the room with my mother, my mother said to me: "Be careful, Anmei, this second aunt Taijing will cover the clouds with one hand and make rain with her hands. She is buying you!" Know she is angry. I just sat without saying a word, letting my mother's words go in one ear and out the other. "Give me the necklace." Suddenly, she said to me. I looked at her and didn't move. "If you don't believe me, just give me the necklace. I won't let her buy you at such a cheap price." I still didn't move, so she stood up and snatched the necklace away.Before I could stop her, she threw the necklace on the ground and stomped on it with her leather shoes. In an instant, one of the pearl necklaces that had almost bought my body and mind was crushed and turned into a handful of glass shards. Then she still asked me to wear this string of necklaces, and she asked me to wear them for a week, reminding myself from time to time, how I can hardly distinguish between good and bad, and I almost betrayed myself by taking the fake as the real.Then, she opened her jewelry box: "Now, let me show you real jewelry!" She took out a heavy sapphire ring and placed it in my palm. A star-shaped cold light shone in the center of the gem. Soon, the eldest wife also returned from Beijing, where she lived in another mansion of Wu Qing with her two unmarried daughters.As soon as the eldest wife arrived, the second wife fell silent.The eldest wife is the leader, the guideline and the law here. But the eldest wife really didn't pose much threat to the second aunt.She was old and decrepit, with bound feet, outdated clothes, and a wrinkled face that was quite plain.Thinking about it now, she is actually not too old, but at Wu Qing's age, she is about fifty years old. When I first met the eldest lady, I thought she was blind.She didn't seem to see me at all, nor Wu Qing, nor my mother.She only has her two daughters in her eyes, two old girls who have not yet left the court, and they are at least five years old.Besides, she saw only two dogs. "What happened to the eldest lady's eyes? Why sometimes she has good eyesight, but sometimes she looks blind." I asked my mother one day. "The eldest wife said that she can only see the Buddha's light and the appearance of the Bodhisattva, but she turns a blind eye to most of the sins of the world." Yang Ma said.Mama Yang also told me that the reason why the eldest wife is so open-eyed to the world is because of her unfortunate marriage.She and Wu Qing had worshiped heaven and earth, so they were married by a bright medium and married by their parents.But a year after marriage, she gave birth to a daughter with different legs.This misfortune made the eldest wife keen to burn incense and worship Buddha, donate donations, and pray for the mercy of the Bodhisattva to restore her daughter's feet to normal.The Bodhisattva was moved with compassion, and gave her another daughter. The daughter's legs were completely normal, but there was a palm-sized birthmark on her face. As a result, the eldest wife is even more keen on eating vegetarian and praying to Buddha.Wu Qing specially bought a house for her near Qianfo Ridge and Paoquan Bamboo Forest, so twice a year, only in winter and summer, she would go back to her husband's house in Tianjin and endure all kinds of worldly sins to torture her eyesight.Even when she got home, she just stayed in her bedroom, sitting cross-legged like a bodhisattva, smoking opium, talking to herself, and never going downstairs to eat.She often fasts, or eats only vegetarian food.Wu Qing only went to her room once a week, usually before lunch, and then had a cup of tea there and chatted with her.At night, he never bothered her. This ghostly old woman by day would not have disturbed my mother, in fact, she just kept it all to herself.But my mother thinks that she has suffered a lot in this family, unless she has a house of her own, maybe this house should not be located in Tianjin, but should be a little east of Tianjin, in Beidaihe!那是个迷人的海滨地，处处是漂亮的别墅，住着有钱人的遗孀。 在一个大雪纷飞的冬日，银白的雪花寂然无声地飘散着，稠密地飘积在我们房子四周。母亲穿着件翠绿的毛皮镶边的绸袍，高兴地对我说：“我们将搬到自己的房子里去了。它没有这里大，小小的，却很精致，但那将是我们自己的世界，只有杨妈和几个熟悉的佣人，吴青已经答应我了。” 我们都厌烦了严寒冰雪，冷风飕飕的冬日，无论大人还是小孩，都不敢轻易去屋外。杨妈警告我，那样冷的大风，会把我身上割出千百道口子的。常常听到佣人们谈论着：某商店的后门口，又被一个冻死的乞丐堵住了。这样的冬天，常有乞丐倒毙在街头。他们肮脏的身子，覆上一片晶莹的白雪，每颗晶霜都在熠熠闪光。 因此我们天天呆在屋里，想出各种办法来打发这漫长的严冬。母亲终日翻阅外国时装杂志，将看中的样式剪下来，然后下楼去与裁缝合计。 我不喜欢和三姨太的女儿玩，她们大规范大拘谨就像她们的母亲。她们饱食终日，无所事事，只知道呆呆地站在窗前望着太阳升起又落下，仅此而已。杨妈则陪着我在火炉上烤栗子，谈天说笑。她有时还会以一种做作的腔调，学着二姨太吊嗓子。二姨太喜欢唱京戏，每次家里请客，她总少不了要伊伊呀呀唱上几句，也不管别人爱听不爱听。 “二十年前，她曾是山东一个红歌女，一个很受宠的女人，尤其对那些常去泡茶馆的已婚男人。尽管她并不漂亮，却很聪明妖艳，她的小曲唱得很动人，还配上各种撩拨人心的动作，把那些男听客听得痴醉酥软。吴青娶她，并不是出于爱情，只是出于一种夺魁的虚荣。而她跟从他，也是因为他的财富和那不中用的大太太。 “从一开始起，二姨太就知道如何操纵他的钱财。她知道他怕鬼，而且也知道以自杀要挟是一种十分有效的手段。因此有一次当他拒绝给她钱时，她便假装吞生鸦片自杀，吴青没办法，只好给她一大笔钱。 “她就这样自杀了好多次，便占有了这幢房子最好的一间卧室，也有了自己独用的包车，甚至为她自己的父母，也争得了一幢房子。 “但有一件事任凭她如何折腾也没用，那就是孩子。她知道吴青渴望着生个儿子，以延续吴家的香火。因此聪明的她，抢在吴青开口前就对他说：'我早已替你物色好二个合适的太太了，她一定会给你生个儿子的。她还是个黄花闺女呢。'这话倒是真的，只是三姨太相当难看，甚至没缠过脚。 “三姨太自然从此对二姨太百依百顺，两位姨太太相处和谐。三姨太为吴青生了三个女儿。但吴青却要个儿子，并以此为借口又在外边寻花问柳。于是，二姨太又替吴青找了第四个姨太太，那就是你母亲。” “二太太使了什么法，才使我妈嫁给吴青呢？”我怯怯地问。 “小姑娘家，别问那些事！”杨妈沉下脸说。但很快，她自己说开了：“你妈呀，实在对这个家太好了。五年前，你父亲才去世一年，她和我去杭州六和塔。因为你爸爸是一个有名的学者，而且笃信该塔祀奉的六个美德。因此你母亲对着这座古塔起誓，保证恪守妇道，贞洁娴静，忍耐和不贪钱财。就在我们游西湖时，我们遇见了一对夫妇，那就是吴青和二姨太。 “吴青立时被她的美貌迷住了。那时你妈真是漂亮，特别她的皮肤，光洁白皙，即使她因为守寡而不能浓妆艳服，但她那种天生丽质的美貌，还是光彩四照。然而在中国，寡妇是低人一等的，她不能再嫁。 “但二姨太很快就设了个骗局。她先设法与你母亲接近，然后请她去灵隐寺吃素斋，饭后，又约你母亲一起打麻将，直至深夜。这时，她就殷勤地劝你母亲就在她房里过夜。半夜你母亲一觉醒来，发现身边躺着吴青。 “第二天清早，你母亲就潸然含泪离去，二姨太却四下对人诉说，一个寡妇如何勾引了她的丈夫吴青。一个寡妇，她还能怎么申辩呢？唯一的办法，就是给吴青做四姨太，为他传宗接代。你母亲回到宁波老家，对着她哥哥叩了三个头道别，结果她哥哥踢她，她母亲唾骂她，并且将她永远赶出家门。就这样，你母亲当了四姨太。三年后，她生了个儿子，被二姨太收养去了。我也就跟着你妈过这边来了。” 自从听了杨妈这番话后，我懂了许多事。 我总算看透了二姨太的本性了。 她经常假装热心，陪五姨太去她贫穷的山村老家“摆威风”，然后一转身，又对吴青绘声绘色地描摹五姨太娘家人的贫困和粗俗，嘲笑吴青怎么会被这样一个穷姑娘所迷惑。 她对大太太关怀备至，为她提供大量的鸦片，并躬身为她装烟烧烟，我这才明白，为什么大太太烟瘾越来越大，而且身子日益衰弱。 二姨太把我母亲的儿子抱在怀里，当着我母亲的脸亲吻着他，说：“好儿子，有我这个妈，你这一世将是享不尽的荣华富贵。将来你长大了，我就把这个家全部交给你，靠你养老了。” 而母亲所盼望的那幢房子，终于因为二姨太的又一次自杀，而成为泡影。二姨太以吞鸦片来威胁吴青收回那个许诺。 我真为母亲难受，我希望她大声指责吴青、指责二姨太，也应该指责杨妈——她不应把实情告诉我。母亲总应该起来说些什么……但她没有，她甚至没权力这样做！ 旧历的小年夜，天还没亮，杨妈就带着哭声把我推醒。“快，快起来！” 我睡意矇眬地跟着她来到母亲房里，只见房内灯火通明，她躺在床上手脚抽搐，舌头麻木。吴青、杨妈、二姨太、三姨太、五姨太和医生围在她床边。 “醒醒吧，妈妈。”我哭了。 “她吞吃了过量的鸦片，”杨妈哭着说，“医生说，已没有办法了。” 四周死一样地静寂，唯有那架大木钟，里面窜出那个拉小提琴的姑娘，奏出一串重复的令我厌倦的声响。 母亲继续在作着痛苦的抽搐，我想这时，我该说些令她肉体和灵魂都能安宁的话语，但我却一个字也说不出来，只是木头样呆呆地站着。我又忆起母亲讲过的乌龟的故事。她叮嘱过我，哭是最没有用的，我试着吞下自己咸涩的眼泪，一滴一滴的，但我的眼泪太多，涕泪滂沦的我，终于哭倒在地。 迷糊中，我觉得自己也变成水池里的一只小乌龟，成千只喜鹊在啄饮池里的水，那些水，全是我的眼泪。 过后杨妈告诉我，我母亲是听信了二姨太的教唆，吞生鸦片作假自杀，结果弄假成真了。不是的，完全不是的，她才不会上这个坏女人当。我知道，母亲是真的不想活下去了。她是故意选定小年夜自杀的。死对她，变成一种武器。她把毒药拌在元宵里吞下去了。记得她在吃元宵时，还感慨地说过：“唉，人生，究竟是怎么回事？就是一长串吃不尽的痛苦 元宵把毒药黏在她身子里，她无法得救。在小年夜当晚，他们把她停放在过道的一块木板上，她装裹得十分豪华，比生前还要奢丽体面，戴着纯金和琉璃白玉缀成的头冠，鞋尖两端各缀着两颗硕大的珍珠。 在最后与她诀别时，我扑上去大哭。她的双眼慢慢睁开了，我一点也不惧怕。 我知道她是不放心我。我用手将她眼睛轻轻合拢，心里暗暗对她说：“我会坚强起来的。” 按习俗，人死后的第三天，灵魂将回来讨还宿怨，母亲殁于小年夜，她的灵魂，将在大年初一来上门讨债。因此那天，吴青很有点神色不安，他戴了重孝，应诺将小弟和我，视为正出，也应诺将母亲作为明媒正娶的夫人看待。 我也豁出去了。反正那天，我给二姨太看了被妈踩碎的那串假珍珠项链。她的头发，就是那天开始变白的。 也是从那天起，我学会了大声反抗。 three 做人，要振作。 女儿，你不需要什么精神咨询医生。这样的医生不是要你振作起来，反而让你过得更糊涂。实际上，这种医生就是靠你们这班人的眼泪喂肥的。 我的母亲，她吃尽了苦头，丢尽了脸。她想千方百计地隐藏着这一切，而最后，这一切又汇成压倒她的更大的痛苦。那就是从前的中国。她们没有选择，不能反抗，也无处逃避，一切都认为是命定的。不过现在她们不一样了，这是最近的中国杂志上说的，她们翻身了。 那种靠人们眼泪来喂饱的家伙，再也不敢坐享其成。中国的人民起来赶走他们。 你的精神治疗医生，听了我这番话后，会说些什么呢？