Chapter 12 Divorce distress

Divorce distress ——The Story of Xu Lusi I have always had a kind of blind trust in my mother. I believe everything she says, even if I don't understand what she means at all.I remember when I was a child, she once told me that it was going to rain, because those undead had been wandering outside our window, screaming "woo-woo" to come in.She said the door lock would come off by itself in the middle of the night, so we had to double check.She also said that ghosts cannot be reflected in the mirror, but ghosts can see me in the mirror, even if I am not in the room. The tone of her speech was so certain that I couldn't help but believe it.

She said that if I listen to her, I will be like her when I grow up, and I can make correct judgments in everything.And if I am disobedient, my ears will be too soft, and I will be too easy to listen to others. Thirty years later, my mother is still trying to make me an obedient child.Just a month after Ted filed for divorce, Mom and I met in church.It was at the funeral of Mary, an incredible ninety-two-year-old Chinese lady who was godmother to nearly every child in the Chinese Baptist Church. "Why are you getting thinner and thinner?" When I sat down next to my mother, my mother said to me distressedly, "You should eat more."

"I'm in good shape," I smiled to show my strong body. "Maybe it's because my clothes are too tight, so I look thinner." "Eat more." She tried her best to tell me, and raised a thread-bound book in her hand, on which was written "Mary Zhang's Chinese Cuisine Cooking Method" with a brush.This book was sold at the gate of the church to raise funds for the Refugee Foundation, and each book was only sold for five yuan. The fire organ died down, the pastor cleared his throat, and began to preach.He belongs to Pastor Yeluzi, and he was a young man named Wen. He used to steal softball cards with my elder brother Luke. Later, thanks to this Chinese Mary, Wen entered the seminary, while Luke was arrested for stealing car stereos. In state prison.

Wen Zheng said sadly on it: "... At this moment, her voice is still echoing in my ears, she said: God made me go on the right path, so if I let the fire of hell burn out, it will be a shame ..." Ma muttered softly below: "But she has already been cremated to ashes." She nodded towards the framed picture of Chinese Mary on the altar.I hurriedly put my finger on my lips and said "shh", as librarians usually do, but she ignored it and continued nagging. "Here, did you see that bouquet of flowers is what we bought." She pointed to a large bouquet of yellow chrysanthemums and red roses.

"It's three hundred and forty yuan. That's fake, and you can keep it forever. I've paid for your share first, and Janis and Matthew have returned the money to me. Do you have any money?" "Yes, Ted writes me a check." At this time, Pastor Wen asked everyone to bow their heads and pray. Mom finally calmed down at the last moment, wiping her nose with a facial tissue. At this time, Pastor Wen was saying emotionally, "Oh, I saw her. Chinese cooking and kindness attract many angels.” Then all stood up and sang the three hundred and thirty-fifth hymn.That's what Chinese Mary loves the most: "You can be an angel, every day on the earth..."

But my mom didn't sing along, she just stared at me and asked, "Why did he send you a check?" I sang the hymn to myself: "Sunshine, this life is full of joy..." Mom answered herself, very coldly: "He is partnering with others to trick you, right?" cheat?trick?Ted?Her choice of words, made me laugh, and also, the way she thought.Ted, who had always been quiet and quiet, and was beginning to bald, never lost his temper and disregarded decency, even when his passions were high. "No, absolutely not," I said. "why not?" "I don't think we should be talking about Ted here right now."

"Why would you rather go to a psychiatrist about your Ted than go to your own mother?" "Psychiatrists?" "Psychiatrist," she changed, "Mother is the best psychiatrist, she knows you very well," she said in a loud voice, almost overwhelming the singing of hymns around her. "That kind of therapist just confuses you more and more." When I got home and thought about it, what she said made sense.Recently, I really feel that my mind is getting more and more confused, and it's all a mess.I don't know how to express it in English, the most appropriate meaning should be "the black mist fills the air".

In fact, it's hard to express in English.Because this feeling of falling into the fog, only the Chinese have it. I've talked to a lot of people about Ted.Every description I thought was true, at least at the moment I told it. To my friend Waverly, I said, I never knew how much I loved Ted until he hurt me, and I realized how much he hurt me as much as I loved him It's the same as how deep love is.That kind of pain is like being dismembered without anesthesia. "God! Don't be so hysterical, have you ever been dismembered without anesthesia?" Waverly said, "Listen to me and just leave him. The only thing that hurts you so much is because of you It took fifteen years to realize that he turned out to be such a useless, frustrated wimp! Listen, I understand how clear you are now."

Talking to Lina about it, I thought I'd be better off with Ted, and after the initial shock passed, I found that I didn't want him anymore.But with him, I was rather puzzled. Lina said to me angrily: "What are you talking about? Are you discouraged? You are completely manipulated by him, so let's just get a divorce? Huh, if I were you, I would find a famous lawyer, Let him come up with ideas, and give Ted a good time anyway." And at my counselor, there was a single-minded proposal to seek revenge on Ted.My mind was on calling Ted out first, and taking him to a nice place, a first-class place like Meggie's Cafe or Rakshali, after he tasted the first course with gusto. , I'd say out loud to him, that I'd make a fool of him in front of respectable customers: "It's not that easy, Ted. You son of a bitch..."

After talking to the psychologist like this, I felt happier than ever.But after two weeks of treatment, my psychiatrist seemed to be bored with me. I saw him lazily resting his chin and perfunctory me: "Okay, let's think about other treatment measures next week." In this way, I don't know how to adjust myself.For the next few weeks, I've been making a list. I walked from room to room, and every piece of furniture reminded me of what I bought before I met Ted and what I bought after we got married (it was mostly furniture) ; what else was given to me by friends (such as a clock with a glass dome that is no longer running, three wine sets, and four teapots); Strawberry crystals from Stuban; and some trinkets I bought.

As I was starting to make an inventory of the books on my shelf, I found a handwritten letter from Ted, which was actually a note.He hastily scribbled on his prescription paper with a ballpoint pen: "Sign where there are four X's." Below it was another line written in pen: "A check is attached for the transition of your settlement." This note is on our divorce papers, together with a check for 10,000 yuan, signed with the same pen.It was not gratitude that surged in my heart, but pain.I was stung again. Why did he keep the check with the divorce papers?Why use two different pens?That check, he added it later?How much time had he weighed in the office to come up with the amount of money?Why did he insist on signing with this pen? I still clearly remember how surprised and happy he was when he received this Christmas gift from me last year. I saw him take advantage of the flickering lights on the Christmas tree to carefully unwrap the golden wrapping paper, then turn the barrel of the pen, carefully admiring the death from all angles, then he kissed my forehead and said: "I only have important documents Only use it when signing papers." He promised me. The memories of the past make me feel like a thousand arrows piercing my heart.I sat on the sofa blankly with the check in my hand, feeling my head was heavy.I stared blankly at the four Xs on the divorce agreement, as well as the handwriting that was scribbled on the prescription pad, the words written with two different pens, and the opening date of the check.He wrote very carefully: "10,000 yuan." Meticulous. I sat silently, trying to let my heart make a judgment, but then I found that sitting like this, I couldn't make any decisions.I put away the checks and the divorce agreement, and put them in the drawer, where I usually only put some business invoices and other useless tickets that I don't want to throw away. Mom once said that the reason why I can't make up my mind like this is because the five elements lack wood, so I am easy to be manipulated by others. Mom knows this very well, because she is also like this herself. "A girl is like a tree," my mother once taught me. "You have to stand up straight and listen to the mother standing next to you. Only in this way can you grow tall and strong. If you bend down and listen If others say it, then you will become slumped and weak, and a gust of wind will blow you down." But it was too late for her to say that, and I already had to bend over and hunched over.Because that's when I started school, and our teacher, Mrs. Bailey, is so powerful that if you don't listen to her, her ruler is enough to bend you down. But I still listened to my mother very much, and at the same time learned to go in with one ear and out with the other. After another year, I learned to choose to accept the best opinion: Chinese people have Chinese-style advice, Americans also have American-style advice, and in general, I think American-style opinions are more to my liking . The trouble is, I later discovered that the American view has a great flaw, that is, it has too many orientations, so it is easy to get confused.That's why, I can't decide how to deal with the relationship between me and Ted. I can have so many orientations, and each orientation can lead to a completely different ending. For example, this check, I wondered if it was really a scam set by Ted to make me back off and not pester him again for the divorce.If I accept this check, he will laugh at me afterwards, and the 10,000 yuan paid me off.When I was sad and sad, I had an illusion in an instant, as if he gave me this 10,000 yuan out of concern and love for me. He told me in a unique way that I meant a lot to him... …I kept thinking about it back and forth until the ten thousand yuan check and Ted became a blank space in my mind. I am determined to end this endless and pointless torture, and just sign the divorce agreement.Just about to draw the bucket to get the divorce agreement, I suddenly remembered this house. In all fairness, I really like our house, with its stained glass over the oak doors.Sunlight floods our breakfast room and sitting in the vestibule affords southern views across the city.The garden layout and gardening were all done by Ted himself.Every weekend, he soaked in the garden, tending to each flower with obsessive care, just like a beautician trimming a client's nails with care and care. Today, I look at our garden through the window. The large lilies have become withered, and the heavy daisies are almost crushed because there is nothing to support them.In the crevices of the stone path, weeds are overgrown, but after a few months, this beautiful garden has suddenly become a wasteland. This desolate and desolate scene reminded me of something I read in a magazine: When a husband stops paying attention to the garden at home, it means that he is trying to uproot the family.I can't remember the last time Ted trimmed the Misong. I am determined to give the lawyer a call.When the phone rang, I hesitated again, and I hung up the phone: what am I going to say to the lawyer?What will I ask for a divorce? —God, I didn't even think about asking for anything when I was married. I lay in bed for three full days, and the fifteen years of living with Ted side by side prevented me from making a clear decision on the problem at hand. Until the fourth day, I was woken up by the phone in my stupor. The ring rang again and again, tirelessly. I think it must have been ringing for at least an hour.I picked up the phone.It's mom calling. "Are you awake? I'll bring you some food." Her voice sounded as if she had seen my dejected expression.But my room was obviously dark, and the curtains were drawn tightly. "No, Mom," I said, "I can't entertain you right now, I'm busy." "Are you too busy to entertain your mother?" "I have an appointment with my therapist, I have an appointment with him..." She was silent for a while, and said: "Why don't you say something yourself?" She almost persuaded me in a tone of pain. "Why don't you go and talk to your husband? . . . " "Mom!" I stopped her, feeling like I was about to fall, "Please don't say anything to save my marriage, I don't want to listen. It's just not possible." "I'm not asking you to save your marriage, but at least you should say something out loud," she said to me. Just hung up the phone, it rang again, it was my therapist's assistant, I missed the appointment again that morning like the previous two times, he asked me if he wanted to arrange another date, I said I would check Will hear back from him after my schedule. Five minutes later the phone rang again. "Where have you been these days?" It was Ted calling. I began to waver unconvincingly. "I'm out," I said. "I have been calling you for three days, and even went to the telephone company to ask if there is any problem with the line here." But I immediately understood that the reason why he was so anxious was not because he cared about me, but because when he was eager to get something done, everything that made him wait and blocked made him impatient. "You know what, it's been two weeks." Obviously, he was angry. "Two weeks?" "You didn't cash the check, and you didn't give me the divorce papers. I hope everyone's doing well, Ruth. I've got a lawyer for that." "yes?" Afterwards, without changing his temper, he revealed his real purpose, which was really more terrifying and despicable than I imagined. He asked me to sign the divorce agreement and return it to him.He wants this house.He wanted to complete all the procedures as soon as possible, because he was about to marry again, with another woman. After a long time, I burst out: "Oh, you are partnering with others to deceive me!" It was such a shame that I almost burst into tears. For the first time in months, and for the first time since being abandoned, I felt a sudden sense of relief.Come on, there is no need for indecision anymore.Immediately, I felt a kind of weightlessness again, and in a maze, I only heard bursts of uncontrollable laughter coming from the air. "What's so funny!" said Ted gruffly. "I'm sorry," I said, still unable to keep from giggling.Ted's silence on the microphone made me laugh even harder. "I'm sorry, Ted, but you'd better come over after get off work." I finished, trying not to laugh. "There's nothing more to talk about between you and me, Ruth." "I understand." The calmness of my voice surprised me too. "I'm just showing you something. Take it easy, you'll get the divorce papers you want. Trust me." In fact, I had no plan in my mind at the time, what exactly would I say to him when he came.But I knew I just wanted to see Ted again before the divorce. What I showed him was the garden.He came to me in the evening that day, and it was a foggy summer evening, and I put the divorce agreement in my windbreaker pocket.Ted was wearing sportswear, and when he looked around the ruined and lifeless garden, I noticed that his body was also shaking. "It's a wasteland." He clicked his tongue softly in distress, while trying to free his trousers, which were entangled by the blackberry vines that spread across the path.At this moment, I guessed that he was estimating how long it would take to restore the place to its original state. "I like it that way," I said, casually patting a large turnip.Pans of weeds have climbed up to the walls of our house. Ted picked up a handful of fallen plums from the ground and waved them over the fence and into the neighbor's yard. "Where's the divorce agreement?" He finally asked. I handed him the divorce papers, and he stuffed it into his pocket.At this time, he turned to me and looked at me. At one time, I thought his gaze was full of tenderness and love. "You don't have to move out right away," he said. "I know it will take you at least a month to find a suitable place to live." "I have already found a place to live." I immediately answered.For in an instant I knew where I was going to live.He raised his eyebrows and smiled in surprise, but the smile disappeared before it spread out, because at this moment I said: "This is it!" "What did you say?" he screamed. "I said, I live here." I said it again. "Who said that?" He hugged his arms aggressively to his chest, and stared at me sideways. His posture showed that he was about to have a big attack.In the past, whenever he put on such a posture, I would be scared to death. But now, I don't care at all, neither afraid nor angry. "I said, I'll stay here. My lawyer said the same, if you want my signature on the divorce papers." Ted hurriedly took out the divorce agreement and found that the four Xs were still there without my signature. "What are you going to do?" he asked. Now, with all my strength, I said to him word by word: "You can't just take me out of your life like this anyway." This is the key to everything. I saw the consequences I wanted to see, and Ted panicked. He must not have expected how I became so tough all of a sudden. That night, I dreamed that I was wandering in the garden, and the gauze-like mist fluttered and swayed over the garden like waves, adding a sense of fantasy confusion to the bushes. In the haze, I saw my mother carefully He leaned over to take care of the flowers and plants with such care, as if he was looking after each baby.Seeing me, she waved to me: "Look, I just planted them this morning, for me and for you!"