Chapter 8 faith and destiny

faith and destiny ——The Story of Xu Lusi one To show her piety, Ma carried a small leatherette-bound Bible with her every week when she went to church. But later, she was disappointed in God.Since then, the "Bible" was stuffed under a short leg of the table, so that the table no longer wobbled, and similarly, the incomplete corner of her life no longer wobbled due to loss of balance.The "Bible" has been under the table leg for more than twenty years. Whenever anyone mentioned the Bible under the table leg to her, she feigned bewilderment and exclaimed in an overly surprised tone, "Oh, that... I forgot." It is not easy to be a good housewife, but after all these years, the "Bible" under the table leg is still spotless.

Now, I'm just watching Ma, cleaning under the kitchen table.This is the homework she must do after dinner every day.I saw her use the tip of the broom to lightly fiddle with the leg of the table on which the Bible rests, sweeping and sweeping. I sat silently on the sidelines, thinking of an opportune time to tell her that Ted and I had broken up, that we were divorced.I know how she will react when she hears it: "Impossible." She will not believe it. Even if I made it clear to her over and over again that my marriage with Ted was over, she would still say, "There's nothing to salvage?"

Even if I knew in my heart that there was no room for redemption, she would try my best to persuade me to try again. two My mother didn't approve of my divorce, which really made me laugh and cry.Seventeen years ago, much to my mother's chagrin, I began dating Ted frequently.My sisters, I only dated boys I met in church. Ted and I met at an ecology lecture.He leaned over and handed me two dollars that day as payment for borrowing the notes I had made the previous week.I declined his two dollars but accepted his invitation for a cup of coffee.That was my second semester at Berkeley.I entered Berkeley's liberal arts class first, and then transferred to the fine arts department.

Ted was in his third year of pre-med.He told me that as early as the sixth grade of elementary school, he had been dissecting a fetal pig. I don't mince words; what first caught my attention about Ted were precisely those differences from my brother and the Chinese boys I knew: his recklessness, his persistence, his self-confidence and stubbornness; his thinness His chiseled face and slender figure, his muscular arms; also, his parents were from Tyrann, New York, not Tianjin, China. Mom must have noticed the difference when Ted first came to pick me up.Anyway, when I got home that day, she was watching TV, and she said at the beginning:

"He's an American!" she reminded me warningly, as if I was blind and couldn't see that he was a foreigner. "I'm an American, too," I said, "and besides, I never said I'd marry him." At the same time, Ted's mother, Mrs. Jordan, also had something to say about it.On a whim that day, Ted invited me to Golden Gate Park for one of his family's annual family picnics.Even though we hadn't known each other for long, naturally we couldn't even talk about going to bed because we both lived at our respective parents' houses.At that party, Ted introduced me as his girlfriend to his relatives one by one, but I myself hadn’t clearly realized that I was his girlfriend until then.

Later, when Ted walked away to play volleyball with his father and the other guests, his mother took my arm and began pacing the lawn, gradually we were out of the crowd.She shook my hand affectionately, but did not look at me: "Glad to see you at last," said Mrs. Jordan.I wanted to explain to her: I'm really not Ted's girlfriend.But she just went on, "I thought you and Ted were a perfect match, and Ted was happy with you. So I hope you don't misunderstand what I'm about to say." So, she told me about Ted's future.He needs to work on his further medical studies, so, that's why, he can't think about starting a family too soon.She assured me that she has no prejudice against minorities at all.She and her husband owned several office supplies companies, and they all had a good impression of some Orientals, Hispanics and even blacks in the companies, and they had good personal relationships.But Ted's future profession is destined to have its own specific limitations and principles. His sphere of activity will be patients and other doctors.Then, she expressed regret that there are still so many disasters and misfortunes in other parts of the world, and the Vietnam War was so heartbreaking.

"Mrs. Jordan, I'm not Vietnamese." I corrected softly, even at this moment, I was so angry that I couldn't bear it. "Besides, I never thought of marrying your son." Later, as Ted was driving me home, I said to him: We're not going to see each other again.He asked me why, and I repeated the damn thing to him verbatim, without adding any of my comments. "Okay, you just sit there and let my mother handle everything." He growled loudly at me, as if I was his mother's accomplice, as if I had betrayed him.I was deeply moved by his rage and indignation.

"Then... what should we do?" I asked him quietly, and felt a pain in my heart at the same time, I thought, it was the germination of love. For the first few months we were glued to each other, entangled with each other by a sense of abrupt rebellion and risk-taking, and it became increasingly inseparable.We consider each other to be our own half, our two halves, forming a solid whole, as harmonious and perfect as yin and yang.We are the heroes and heroines of a tragedy in our own imagination, he is the warrior who rescued me, and I am just a weak woman.No matter what kind of predicament I am in, my brave hero will always overcome all difficulties, just like the prince in a fairy tale going through twists and turns to rescue the suffering princess, and rescue me.We are completely intoxicated in it, and the affection is lingering.Even when embracing and making love, I feel from the bottom of my heart that I am protected and supported.

"What should we do?" I kept asking him.Within a year of our acquaintance, we lived together.We were married in the Episcopal Church a month before Ted entered UC Medicine. On the day of the wedding, Jodon sat in the front pew and wept, as any mother of the bridegroom would do at this moment, and it was fitting.When Ted finished his dermatology internship, we bought a three-story Victorian house with a large garden that had been in disrepair.Ted arranged for me a studio downstairs so I could work as a freelance draftsman and bring home work. Years passed and it was always Ted who decided where we would go on vacation, he decided what furniture to add, he decided we wouldn't have kids until we moved to an area with higher class neighbors.At the beginning, we had some discussions with each other, and when we realized the result of the discussion, it was always nothing more than "you figure it out, Ted", "you decide, Ted", so we didn't discuss it at all, and just let Ted Germany calls the shots.It never occurred to me to defy his decision.

I'd rather not worry about that and just focus on my T-ruler and my red and blue pencils. But since last year, Ted has changed.Since he accepted a female patient with a spider web tumor on her cheek, his self-confidence and sense of responsibility have disappeared.He said at the time that he was able to suck out the network of blood vessels and restore her to her normal appearance.But in the end, he actually sucked out a nerve in her cheek, paralyzing the nerve on the left side of her face, and she went to court to sue him. After the lawsuit failed, I was shocked by the change in him.He started pushing me to make a decision.I have to decide, should I buy an American car or a Japanese car, whole life insurance or term insurance?And the choice of candidates, the family's expenses...

I have to weigh and think and think, and often the result is that my head is muddled.So whenever I said, "You decide," or "I don't care," "Whatever you want, Ted," he would impatiently say, "No, you decide. You can't be so irresponsible." Heart, so ambiguous." I was instinctively aware that a subtle change had taken place between us, and this disturbed me greatly.The veil of protector has been lifted, and now, Ted is pushing me everywhere, even the most trivial life, I feel like he wants to torture me: buy Thai food or Italian?Which is better, one appetizer or two?Credit card or check, check or cash? Last month, he was going to Los Angeles for two days on business matters.Before leaving, he asked me if I would like to go with him?But before I could speak, he continued, "Forget it, I'll go alone." "Alright, so you can concentrate more on business research." I agreed. "That's not the case at all. It's just because it's useless to expect you to decide anything!" he replied angrily. "It's not a big deal," I argued. "Nothing ever mattered to you," he said viciously. "Ted, if you want me to go, I'll go." He seemed seared, and yelled at me in a rage, "What the hell, how did we ever get married! At the wedding, look at you solemnly following the pastor and saying, 'I'll make a good wife, I'll be with you We're in trouble together...'To hell with it, you're just parroting the pastor. If I don't marry you, how will you live? Are you also unwilling to make any decisions, unwilling to take any responsibility?" Logically speaking, it was our own actions that led to the deterioration of our relationship, which was a 180-degree sudden change.We were like rock-throwing guys standing on two hills, hitting each other wantonly, which eventually led to the breakdown of this marriage. But now I realize that in Ted, he was already prepared, or rather, he had this intention.He was deliberately trying to cause trouble, because shortly after that night, he called from Los Angeles and formally asked me for a divorce. Ever since Ted left, I've been thinking that even though I was prepared for this to happen, even though I could see my life going to be like this, it's still going to happen. When you get hit in the head in life, there's nothing you can do but get knocked down.Don't expect anyone to rescue you until you can get yourself up.Whether it's your husband, your mother, or God.So what to do to avoid getting knocked down again? three My mother has believed in God for many years.God is in her, like a holy faucet.As long as the faucet is turned, the grace of God will flow out.She said that it was because of "faith" that so many things came to our house.I thought at the time that she might be referring to "fate."Because, she always pronounces the sound of "no by ①". ①fate, destiny; faith, faith. ——Translator's Note But then I discovered that it was indeed "fate" rather than "faith".The so-called belief is an illusion that tightly dominates you.I found that where there are many "selves", there is always hope.As long as there is hope, people can accept anything, good or bad.I thought that this mysterious force that fueled "hope" could be called God, or something else. I will always remember the day that made me realize this.It was also the day my mother gave up her faith in God. Since then, she has determined that she will no longer trust anything that has not been verified. That day, our family went on vacation to a beach near Devil's Slope in the south of the city.My dad had read in Sunset that this was the best area for bass fishing, even though my dad wasn't a fisherman but an assistant chemist.In China, he is a doctor.He believes in his abilities.And Mom, too, believed that she had the same ability to process everything that Dad struggled to get his hands on.It was this confidence in their abilities that brought them both to the United States, where they were able to raise seven children and buy a house in the Sunset District at a very low price.All this convinced them that their good fortune would never pass and that God was on their side.Anyway, the ridge of my house is glowing purple, and even our ancestors are happy for us. We were a group of nine people, father, mother, two older sisters, four younger brothers and I, in order of age, from oldest to youngest, lined up in a single file, and walked along the beach feeling good.I was fourteen years old and I was right in the middle of the queue.There are nine of us in a row, with nine pairs of bare feet, nine pairs of hands holding shoes, and nine heads with fluttering black hair all looking out to the sea, making our lineup quite strange and eye-catching. The wind whipped my trousers violently, and the sand and gravel made it hard for me to keep my eyes open.I found that we were standing in a depression that looked like a huge bowl split in two, half on the shore and the other half, overturned in the sea.I was looking for a place out of the wind.I saw my mother turn right, so we followed, and found that the beach over there was quieter and cleaner.Along the bay, a curved wall is built to protect the beach from damage from waves and sea winds.Under the shadow cast by the wall to the sea, there is a piece of reef, which extends straight out from the shore and grows one after another.The waves over there are particularly turbulent, and white flowers are piled up.On the surface, the reef is flat and smooth, as if people can walk out of the sea on it.On the other side of the bay, the wall is zigzag, almost completely submerged in seawater, and the wall surface is uneven. When a large wave rushes over, the billowing white foam pours down from the cracks in the embankment. , like puffs of white fountains. Looking back now, that little bay was actually quite frightening, eerie, wet and cold.The wind and sand hit my face, and I could hardly open my eyes to see my feet clearly. To be honest, I was like a blind man who couldn't care less about the scenery.Look at the foreign sin of a Chinese family trying to imitate a quasi-American way of life by going to the beach! Ma took out the old quilt and pressed it down with nine pairs of shoes.At this time, Dad had already installed his bamboo fishing rod, which he made by himself.We huddle together on the sheets, digging for sandwiches from the food basket. Dad showed us the fishing rod he made, then got up contentedly, took his shoes, climbed to the reef, found the best fishing spot, and went to enjoy himself.My two sisters, Janice and Lou, also jumped up, slapped the sand on their buttocks, and ran screaming to the sea.As soon as I wanted to get up and follow them, my mother immediately nodded and pointed to my four younger brothers: "Be careful and take care of them." With just such a sentence, I was like being dragged by a heavy iron anchor, and I couldn't go away any more. .I had no choice but to sit down quickly, and hummed sadly: "Why is it not me? Yes, why must I come and take care of them?" Mom's answer was succinct: "Of course it's you." Of course I have to, because they are my younger brothers.My sister used to look after me. My four younger brothers: Matthew, Mark, Luke and Peace, the first three are twelve, ten and nine years old, and they are very good at playing.They buried Luke in the sand and built a sand fortress over him. But Ping was only four years old, which was the age at which trouble was most likely to occur and the worst to be supervised.He couldn't get along with his three brothers because they thought he was in the way. Therefore, Ping could only walk towards the beach listlessly with a long face, picking up the rags and broken stones washed up by the sea on the beach, and throwing them back into the sea with all his strength.I stared at him closely, and kept telling him, "Ping, don't get too close to the beach, don't get your clothes wet." Even I felt that the tone was like my mother's, together with the kind of words that gushed out from time to time. unfounded concerns.This worry, or worry, surrounded me like a wall around a small bay. On the other hand, it made me feel that I was careful enough, at least within the wall, everything was safe. Mom is very superstitious, everything she does is compared to an old imperial almanac.On each page of this almanac, it is noted that on a certain day and time, it is inauspicious or auspicious for a child born on a certain day and time in a certain year, what to avoid and what to pay attention to.I don't know Chinese characters, so I can only flip these pictures. In each picture, the same little boy appears.He is either climbing on a branch that is about to break, or standing by the door that is about to fall, or being held in the bloody mouth of a vicious dog... In every picture, there will always be A man in a lizard-patterned suit with two round tentacles protruding from his forehead. In one of the pictures, the man happened to be standing on an arched bridge, smiling as he watched a little boy fall from the bridge, his pair of little feet still struggling in the air. Come to think of it, if only one of these disasters befell, it would be a big deal.Although it is stated above that a certain time is only a threat to children born at a certain time, the mother does not calculate the lunar calendar into the Western calendar, so she always feels that there is a hidden danger of disaster every day.Therefore, she is extremely cautious in everything, and firmly believes that she can resist the invasion of all disasters. The sun had gradually moved beyond the bay wall.We were all in our place: Mom was busy brushing the gravel off the sheets, and Dad was still concentrating on his fishing.In the distance of the beach, there are a few small figures jumping constantly, they are sisters, their black hair and yellow shorts are very eye-catching on the beach.The younger brothers are still playing the game they never tire of.The little brother, Ping, picked up an empty soda bottle from nowhere, and used it to dig sand on the wet sand pile at the foot of the fence.I sat in the shadow of the wall where the sunlight fell, watching him carefully. Ping started pounding the stone wall with a soda bottle filled with yellow sand.I stopped him and said, "Come on, don't smash it, be careful to make a hole, and you will fall to China." He looked at me suspiciously, as if he was worried that he would fall to China.I couldn't help laughing.He started to get up and walk towards the sea.When he tentatively took a step towards the reef, I stopped him: "Ping!" "I'll go to Dad's." He quibbled. "Stay close to the wall, don't get too close to the sea, and don't patronize the fish." I told him.Watching him slowly walk step by step on the reef, his back against the rough and uneven wall.To this day, I still see him so clearly that he is carefully leaning against the wall, groping his way among the rugged reefs. That scene seems to have been frozen on the reef forever by me. I saw him standing with his back against the wall, showing no signs of danger.He's calling daddy.Dad turned around and agreed to him.I'm glad dad can watch him for me for a while.Ping started walking towards Dad.Dad's fishing rod bit the line, and he pulled the fishing rod hard. There's a commotion over there with Luke and Mark, and they're arguing again.Mark threw a handful of sand in Luke's face, and Luke pinned him down angrily, hitting and kicking him.Mom wants me to take care of them.As soon as I pulled Luke away from Mark, I caught a glimpse of Ping walking to the edge of the reef alone, and I was the only one in sight. I saw him take one step, two steps, three steps... the little body moved very quickly, as if something in the sea was attracting him to walk quickly.Oops, he's going to fall.Before the thought flashed by, he saw his pair of little feet paddling in the air, and after a while, the water ripples didn't even stir up a few times, and he disappeared without a sound. I stared blankly there, my feet went limp, and I fell to my knees on the sand.On the one hand, my consciousness is still reminding me: jump into the sea to pull him out, or call for help to my father.But can my legs run that fast?Can I turn back time for a few more minutes and stop Ping from going to my father? Then my sisters came back. "What about Ping?" they asked.Everyone was stunned, and immediately shouted everywhere: "Ping, Ping!" They rushed to the beach one after another.I couldn't move like a wooden figure, I just stared blankly at my sisters calling anxiously around the wall, while my brothers leaned out and carefully checked whether there was a figure of Ping behind the floating wood chips on the sea.In the end, the desperate parents tried to split the waves with their own hands... We were there for hours.Everything was in vain. I still remember how strange and incongruous the setting sun and the search ship constituted.I have never seen such a sunset before: it casts a dazzling orange flame, which melts on the surface of the sea, spreads like a fan, and expands to infinity, making the sea look warm.It was getting late, and on the surface of the sea, the yellow halo of the search ship cast a dazzling cold light on the dark water, like covering the sea with a large shining net, blinking and blinking, changing endlessly. It seems very unreasonable to enjoy the sea view at such a moment.But at this moment, everyone is doing an unreasonable behavior: Dad is concentrating on calculating the temperature of the water, so as to figure out the exact time when Ping will fall into the water.The sisters shouted to the bushes on the beach cliff: "Ping, Ping!" as if he would climb the cliff in the air.At this time, the younger brothers have sat in the car obediently and read the comic pictorial.When the search boat finally switched off its strong spotlights, Ma jumped headlong into the sea.She has never swum before, but her confidence in her "capability" makes her believe that she will be able to find Ping. It took the lifeguards a lot of effort to drag her out of the water. Her hair and clothes were soaked heavily by the sea water, and water kept dripping down.But her self-confidence was not damaged in the slightest.I saw her standing still, noble and deep, like a mermaid queen just landed.The police finally dispatched the search boat and packed our family into a car to drive home. I waited for a beating.I know it's all my fault, I didn't take good care of Ping, and I just watched him fall headlong.But as our family sat in the unlit living room, all I heard was confession after confession. "I was too careless, and I only cared about fishing." Dad said first. "We shouldn't be going for a walk," said Janice grimly. "Why do you have to throw sand in my face?" Luke scolded Mark, "Why do you have to make me fight?" Mom just said to me with a blank expression: "I told you not to let them fight, and I told you to take good care of him." Even if I felt a little bit of relief, it was only fleeting, because Mom went on to say, "So listen, we've got to find him, early tomorrow morning." It was me, back to the beach with my mother, to find Ping's body. I can't predict what specific measures Mom will take to find Ping's body.Anyway, when she woke up the next day, it was still dark, and she was already ready to stop.On the kitchen table are a thermos, a teacup, a white leatherette-bound "Bible" and car keys. "Is Dad ready?" I asked. "Dad won't go," she said. "Then who's driving?" She picked up the keys and left, and I followed her into the car.I still wonder how she learned to drive in one night.She didn't look at the map at all, and drove smoothly onto the highway, signaled everything correctly when it was time to signal, then onto the coast road, and after a nice sharp turn, we came to our usual place. We hurried along the dirt path to the place where the rock pile fell flat into the sea.Ma held the white leather Bible in her hand and stood still as if on a peg, her head thrown back, her eyes piercing the surging water to the leaden sky, calling to God.Except for the opening sentence "Dear God" and the last "Amen", all she speaks is Chinese. "I believe in your grace, blessing...your decision is our decision, you will answer our faith and love for you..." "...we receive your grace, we pay you our admiration. We worship you in your sanctuary, we give you money, we sing your songs... we owe you what we owe you, please Forgive us. You just hid Ping to teach us. Now that we have understood your teaching, please return Ping to us..." Surrounded by silence, there was Ma Xuxu's pleading voice, so sad and gloomy that it shocked me. "Forgive us for our negligence towards Ping, here, the one standing here is my daughter, please teach her..." The next few words she said made me cry bitterly. Her firm belief made her see Ping three times in a haze, waving to her on the top of the white waves. "Where? Oh, there!" Like a conscientious sentinel, she stood upright, her eyes trying to penetrate the untouchable white veil hanging between the sea and the sky.But every time Ping appears, it disappears, and we only see the thick seaweed floating in the dark. Mom was not discouraged, she went back to the beach, picked up the hot water bottle and teacup, and went to the sea.Afterwards, when she recovered, she told me that in China, people used this method to sacrifice to the sea to appease the dragon king's anger.And that's usually quite effective. At this moment, Ma poured tea into the cup, added sugar, and wiped off a sapphire ring on her hand, which was a relic left by her grandmother.Grandma has been dead for many years now.This ring, my mother proudly told me more than once, has attracted the envy and attention of many women.Now, she dedicated this ring to the Dragon King, hoping that the Dragon King would release Ping.She threw the ring into the sea. Even though the Dragon King got the ring, he didn't appreciate it.For a whole hour there were nothing but weeds on the great green patches of water.Mom raised her fists to her chest, "Look, he's over there." Mom's lips were convulsed, and her voice was very strange.Really, at the other end of the empty beach, Ping's lonely and tired figure: with shoes in his hands, walking towards us wearily.My mother and I were overjoyed in an instant.But before I could blink my sore eyelids, I realized that the figure was lighting a cigarette, and he was also much taller than usual.In fact, this is just a strange passerby. "Come on, Mom!" I said softly. "He's right there." Mom's feet were like two marble pillars firmly planted in the sand.Almost not by consciousness, but purely by muscle strength, one hand held up the zigzag black silhouette designated on the opposite side, the wall on the other side of the bay, and said stubbornly. "I saw him. He was in the cave, sitting on the flooded stone steps, hungry and cold. But he is much older and has learned to endure." As she said that, she walked towards the car parked on the road with a "scratch".Her steps were swift and neat, as if the ground under her feet was not a soft sandy beach, but a solid asphalt road.I had to stagger and follow her. I saw Mom climb up the steep path leading to the road in three steps and two steps, and then, not even out of breath, pulled a big tire from the car, tied Dad's fishing line on it, and went back to the car. Go to the beach and throw the tires into the ocean. "Go, go to Ping, and bring him back." She almost frantically ordered to the roaring sea. I have never heard such determination, or "competent" in her voice. Following her thoughts, the tire was carried by the wind and waves, and floated out towards the bay on the opposite side. The waves over there were stronger. Soon, the fishing rod line was stretched tightly. Mom held on to one end of the fishing line, As the tires bumped in the gray crest, the fishing line was deeply embedded in her fingers.Suddenly, the fishing line snapped!The tires are carried by the spiral waves, appearing and disappearing from time to time. We climbed up to the reef to have a look, and saw that the tire had reached the other end of the small bay, and a huge wave knocked it away. Soon, it resurfaced without any damage. Big waves of foam.In this way, repeated many times, the black point jumped in the waves nimbly and lightly, as if it was faithfully performing its function: to go through all dangers and pull Ping out of the cave wall.Although every time the tire appeared from the top of the tumbling white waves, it was empty and there was no sign of flatness, but every time it disappeared, it seemed to carry a hope. Then after repeating this for more than a dozen times, when it resurfaced, it had been smashed into pieces by the waves, and was blown all over the sea by the waves. At about the same time, Ma gave up hope.I will always remember her expression at that time: it was a kind of complete despair and fear, in order to lose peace, she was so stupid that she tried to use faith to change her destiny!It exasperates me--an indescribable exasperation--for all our failures and futility! Four Today, I don't look forward to finding Ping anymore.As now, I no longer expect to find a way to save my marriage.Although my mother said to me again and again: "Try harder." "What kind of theory is that?" I said. "There's no reason to keep a marriage like this when there's no hope." "But you've got to try," she said. "There's no hope here, and there's no reason. Everything's meant to be. But you've got to try, anyway." "Then what else can I do?" My mother said: "You decide for yourself. You know what you need to do most. If you have to listen to others, then you just don't do it." After she finished speaking, she walked away and left me alone. in the kitchen. I thought again of Ping, how I had seen him in danger then, and how the catastrophe had happened afterwards.Then, I thought about my marriage.How I had seen the signs of the crisis, really, I could see it clearly, but finally the crisis happened.I think that half of the so-called fate comes from our expectations, and the other half comes from our negligence.And it seems that only when you lose what you love can you really embrace faith.You will definitely cherish what you have lost more, and you will definitely understand the philosophy that water cannot be recovered. My mother, in fact, still pays close attention to the Bible lying under the table.I know, she knows it all too well.I remember she wrote something on it before pressing it against the foot of the table. I lifted the table, picked up the "Bible", and turned to the first page of the "New Testament". There was an article called "Destruction". On that page, she wrote two words lightly with a pencil: Xu Ping.