Chapter 23 twenty two

------------------ twenty two As dusk came, Viveka and I were sitting at the kitchen table.I stare at the cold coffee in front of me.The room was very quiet, except for the occasional sound of children playing outside. "You know what, Neil," Vivica interrupted my thoughts, "if you had accepted that job—a job you enjoyed for a week at most—it would have made life even worse for the whole family. —if you accept it, I swear I'll leave you and go back to Sweden." pause. There was a long silence. "Back to Sweden, you mean?" "Yes. There's always a limit. I'm going to go. I mean what I say."

"Hmm... sounds like a good idea," I said, looking up thoughtfully. "What?" Her face turned red. "Yes, Sweden," I said, slowly recovering from my stupor, "I have a fascinating idea. No problem. Let's all go." My mind suddenly opened up, and I seemed to have seen Strideway. The neatly arranged masts and swaying ships of the root pier. "Yes, Sweden." I nodded and continued my thoughts agitatedly. "...import something bad into that social democracy that they've been preaching about being good order." "Neil, are you serious?" She was taken aback.When I walked out the door, she followed me and asked me, and my mind was suddenly disturbed by my words. "Do you want to pack your bags now?"

It was already dark.The sun was setting quietly over the mountainside, and the air smelled of the dampness of rotting leaves and the coming of spring.At this time, the tractor of Soski's family stopped, and there was a pleasant tranquility on the mountain.I heard birdsong in the trees.Birds of spring... everything seems to have changed in an instant.For the first time in four years I am a person with options.I do have a choice.If I wanted to, I could go back to Sweden and start anew... Or, re-polish Bernie Kaufman's work, or polish the posthumous work of the original author... Or, better yet, concentrate on finishing my own "Gobbersville Is Collapsing"... On the other hand, I could still be in Goublesville, just sit here and let the seasons change, but know that this time I will have the final say in the big events , and keep my word, and never break my word... I can still sit here and breathe the fragrance of flowers, and then go for a walk in the woods, and then continue to create, and sometimes do nothing-but there is a fundamental difference.This time it will be about really living life, going with the flow instead of trying too hard, not giving up on yourself and getting nothing done.I no longer wait for others to save me.Stop expecting miracles to happen.

choose.choose.All the options are so glamorous at once...and all I need is a little help.It is a word of encouragement.What about vigilantes?Where are they when I need them most?I tried to call back this group of pompous and domineering fellows, but to no avail.I tried again and again... Have they left me forever?Am I really healed and become the person I am supposed to be? ------------------