Chapter 11 10

------------------ 10 "Hey?" The noise broke into my dreamland. "Get up, get up. We're going to talk to you," announced the Chairman, ordering the vigilante into action with a tap of his gavel. "Oh." I groaned. "Can I rest for a while?" I put the pillow over my head. "I've got to get a little sleep tonight, or I'm going to be crazy." "Crazy! Haha!" I heard someone giggle.Even with my eyes closed I could tell it was number two, the learned liar, and he thought it was funny. "I think you've kept us waiting long enough," said the same voice.I glanced up, and it turned out to be old acquaintance No. 2, with a pair of shiny big abalone teeth under the dirty mustache, like the sharp front teeth of a big mouse.

"Can we hurry up?" I asked boldly. "We're surprised to hear you say that. You know the rules, Mr. Nudelman," the vigilante chairman reminded me, manly. "But I don't know! You keep changing the rules!" I threw the pillow aside in disappointment. "yes!" "That's what happened!" "This is the rule." The good-natured chairman said with a smile, and everyone at the table clapped their hands. "Let's talk less, then," I begged. "Please. If there's any valid reason to be—" "Too-too-too many sides," interjected Five, who was stuttering.

"Okay, let me talk quickly." "Speak well, or say nothing at all," warned the chairman, drawing on his pipe.The man was bald, double-jawed, and as fat as two John Michels. "Maybe we can come back after Mr. Nudelman has a rest," suggested Mrs. Jay, a middle-aged woman with horn-rimmed glasses who smiled motherly. The chairman coughed and rubbed the paper back and forth, pretending not to hear what she said.Mrs. Jay was the only woman in the vigilante, and she always seemed to be causing trouble for them.As far as I know, there must be at least one woman in any meeting, so as not to conflict with the directives of the federal government.It seems that there should be a black man in my meeting, but so far no qualified black man has been found.So, at least temporarily, the government has relaxed that requirement -- which is wise.They figured it out too, and my case itself had nothing to do with black people.This is of course a guess, an "educated guess", as the Chairman would say.However, other than that I don't think mine is fundamentally different from what other people have.If I had to describe it, I'd say they look "more professional" overall.You know, the group is usually a bunch of doctors, lawyers, clerks, gay men, like you see on school boards, and they all sit up straight, their faces stiff, stiff.They always sat in a semicircle around the circular table—as it was this evening—passing files back and forth, exchanging very important memorandums, and rarely concealing the fact that they were eager for me to accept them. position.

I think my first encounter with this vigilante was in my dream of being fired from my first job -- "No." Number Three interrupted me. He was skinny, with blue veins in his hands. "It's when you study engineering at Brooklyn Tech." "Yes, thank you." I tried to be extra polite.As usual, always they are right.Brooklyn Technical School.That was the first crucial misjudgment I made that brought them in.But how did I know what would happen that night when they woke me up so politely?They look so harmless.Such a friendly bunch.So when they said "tell your story," I immediately fell into that age-old trap.I talked a lot with eloquence, and almost told them everything about myself.They were very encouraging listeners, nodding and approving, laughing knowingly at my jokes, and even seeming to be caught by my emotions.And who would have thought they would end up attacking me with what I said?

"It's 2 o'clock in the morning." Number Three said nervously, scratching his pale hairless thigh.I sat on the edge of the bed and saw them peeping at him above the sock, which was tied with a green garter, which few people wear anymore. "If you want to go, we allow you." The chairman nodded in his direction. "No. No," said Three, not quite firmly. "I've been eagerly looking forward to this moment." He said, rubbing his hands. "Oh, get out, will you?" I angrily rolled back on the bed and pulled the blanket over my shoulders, then faced the wall - as if doing so would solve the problem.These bastards are slimy, honestly.

The chairman tapped the gavel. "I think one thing we agree on is that we're not going to be so naive anymore." "Yeah, that was the last time," I said with a smile. "Remember, my middle name is contradictory. Did you guys say that?" "Considering Mr. Nudelman's reluctance to speak to the vigilante tonight," the chairman pulled his chair vigorously towards the table while reciting, "in view of his intentionally uncooperative attitude, I think we still have to proceed— " "You can do whatever you want, just don't drag me into it all the time. Is it going to work?" Although I was determined not to show weakness, I could still hear the pleading in my voice.

"Unfortunately, you'll have to listen to us on the procedure," muttered the chairman. "Perhaps we can come back tomorrow," said Four gently. "That's the brightest idea I've heard all night," our chief witness shrieked and pulled himself together. "Look. Look. He's starting to defiantly," said Number One, marking an appropriate column. "Take that on, too, right!" I yelled. "Just don't start off by making up some big bullshit that you're so much smarter than me. I bet you go home and beat your kids and wear your wives' panties—or husbands Yes, according to the situation." I bowed to Mrs. Jie, who had a sense of humor.she laughed.Anyway, I've always gotten along better with women—they're gentler, more compassionate, more open, even making fun of themselves.

"I move a motion to adjourn the meeting," said Number One, folding his arms in a contemplative gesture, which was a habit of his.If you face the same group of people year after year, you learn their individual quirks.For example, number six, he likes to pick his nose.Eights often do sneaky heel splits.But Mrs. Jay didn't have those neurotic problems.I do have a crush on this woman. "...Let's leave him alone until 5:30," interjected Four, who seemed a little too anxious. The chairman nodded. "You'll regret it," sang Number Two, twirling his beard with two fingers as he exited.Others are a little behind him.

"Hey! Wait! Come back!" I yelled, "Can't we just have a short chat? Be sensible. Knowing you'll be back means I'll stay up all night trying to guess your intentions, thinking about preparing for yourselves, and worrying that you're going to-" "As you like." The chairman smiled, with a winner's smile on his face. "We are very reasonable people. Oh, will the secretary read the minutes of the last meeting?" he said, and Mrs. Jay stood up respectfully. "Meeting so-and-so." She began to read from Report No. 2 on their newfound distortion.Etc., etc.I twiddled my thumbs, sat on the edge of the bed stroking my feet, coughed loudly, and blew my nose.

"...Also, Mr. Noo will eventually subject himself...to the title...but why does he insist on calling his city 'Goobersville'? And—we all know—Googlesville Boswell is such a wonderful name." "Thank you. Thank you." The chairman smiled very happily. "Anything else to add? Amendments? Wait, wait? The motion passed." pause. "Can you accept that position?" said Mr. Law and Order, knocking the ashes from his pipe. "Can I swear on the Bible this time?" I smiled slyly, and got out of bed in my underwear and walked towards the bench.The room is too small, two steps to the stool.

"If there is one unnecessary comment or one-liner," the chairman warned gravely, "we will adjourn." As soon as he said this the men marked the one-liner. "Sorry." "Also, false confessions will not be tolerated!" Number Three poked me with his skinny finger.buzz buzz.Another mark.dishonest.What, two marks!Hey, that's not fair! "First item on the agenda?" The Chairman pointed at Number Five with the butt of his mallet. "I-we've been watching you and Shi-S-Steffen do-do-do-things," said Five. "I just guessed it was," I realized a little. "Sit up straight!" the chairman yelled. "Don't bow your head." "Soo-soo-tell us how you saw-saw her legs-leg-legs." Five stammered and peeked into my eyes. "Are you gay?" I grinned. "Reply!" "I look at her from head to toe. Look at her nose. Look at her nails. Look at her—" "Look at her legs!" Number One yelled. "Look at whatever is on your mind." Number Seven murmured. "I see her as a whole person, a whole person." "Legs!" No. 2, whose mouth was covered by a mustache, said with a chuckle. "The only thing you care about is her body—" "I object!" I jumped up. "Sit down!" the chairman yelled at me. "Give me a chance to explain?" I started to sweat.Without paying attention, he quickly wiped off the sweat from his upper lip. "You spend eighty-seven percent of your waking hours in her car looking at her body—we don't even have to describe your dreams." Six continued to press me. "You're picking your nose again, Number Six." I tried to fight back. "Body!" charged Number One, who had the air of a priest. "No, no." I shook my head and said. "Her thoughts intrigued me, and I've always been curious about vegans. Anyway, whatever you guys, sex wasn't the only thing I thought about. I thought about a lot of other things. I was like a camel, Instead of stopping to wet your mouth every time you come across a small hole, you should drink hard at an oasis in the desert." "Come on! Come on!" Number Eight said impatiently. "Okay. So I looked at her legs. Her whole body, if you like. But it's a normal thing." "Maybe it's normal for you," Eight said with a smirk, lifting his eyelids in triumph. "Hey, just now, you asked Number Five if he was gay?" "I don't mean anything, honestly, just to be humorous. I hope you don't make sense of everything I say and do. And, for God's sake, don't Marked in the about me section. How can I get rid of them?" "But that's what we do," said Mrs. Jay kindly. "I want to continue to pursue the issue of homosexuality, if it is allowed." Number One said tentatively, his fingers crossed again as if in prayer. "Are you a rabbi?" I asked him. "How do you say it?" Number One wanted to find out the meaning of the question. "What 'how to say'?" "In your opinion, if I am a missionary, is there any special meaning?" "No, just curious." "Suppose I were a rabbi or a Christian clergyman, as you suspect, would that change our relationship? Would you treat me like a priest instead of—" "All right, let's get back to the topic of homosexuality. Huh?" "As you like..." No. 1 cleared his throat, put on his glasses, and began to look for materials from the notebook. "We have a special interest in the way you found love with the gay gentleman who gave you a lift in Binghamton--putting you from Roscoe when he found you spoiled his good mood. Get out of the car." "Oh, he. Look, I have nothing against gay men. I'm super enlightened. Just don't want people to be violent on me—" "Vigilante members please be aware of the derogatory and prejudiced epithets this person uses." "But there's no prejudice motive." I countered this alternative interpretation, but my counterargument sounded like pissing on Niagara Falls (a metaphor Perry often uses). "Gentlemen of the Honorable Committee, I beg you, I am only using a colloquial term. I could quite well have said gay men or fetish men - or, if you prefer, homosexuals." "That's right," said the disgusting Nose-Picker Six, forcing a smile out of his lips, "but you didn't." "Let's talk about your homosexuality—" "Gay plot?" I yelled. "No complex!" "The way you handled the situation was undoubtedly calm." "Definitely," I shrugged wearily - there's absolutely no way you'd win at Kangaroo Court. ①Kangaroo Court: Refers to illegal trials. "It's so calm," interjected Number Two, "to the point where it's so calm that it goes the other way." "That is, I didn't give him a hard beating," I said. "I was afraid that my latent homosexuality would be exposed, so I used harshness and super calmness to cover myself." "good." "Absolutely!" "Wonderful!" "He's learning a little bit, isn't he?" said the chairman brightly. "You know," he nodded meaningfully and turned to the others, "moments like this make me feel that our efforts were not in vain." "Okay, okay. I admit it. I'm gay. I always have been. I'm the product of a domineering mother and a weak father. My straight passion is nothing more than a smokescreen, a clever ruse. Stamping of class What else can you say? Come, Mr. Chairman, if you will condescend to come into the other room and take off your trousers, I will kill you quickly." "Tut, tut," said Number Two, hastily making a note of this. "You're backtracking again." "Why do you still feel compelled to attack us?" "Why do you resist?" "Still so mean?" "Give us a chance. You know, we are your only hope. If we don't succeed, you'll lose your mind." "Yes, yes," I sighed and fell back on the bed.Hearing him say that, I understood what was going on. "Look, I'm so tired. Haven't had a bite since the egg sandwich. I can't think. I need sleep. I have to see Mr. Kaufman tomorrow. My If you don't have a sharp mind, all the planning is over. I'm dead. The game is over. Last night was a rough night. You people are coming more and more often. Please give me a few nights. Listen, I'll come Make a suggestion. Give me three days and I'll run a marathon with you guys. Okay?" silence. "Look, you've made me so hard I can't even sleep. I'm telling the truth. You're scaring me," I begged them with my hands outstretched, crying despite my best efforts up.I turned my head away immediately, my chest throbbing with sobs.I struggled to pull myself together, wiped my eyes with my sleeve, and turned around. "Do you feel better now?" Mrs. Jie asked with concern. "Not too well," I forced a tear-stained smile, "but thanks for asking. You're so kind." pause. "What the hell do you want to know from me?" I sighed, my red eyes looking imploringly from one committee member to another. "We'll get to that right away," said the chairman angrily. "Let's go back to the homosexuality issue." Number Five picked up this topic again, and there was no trace of pity in his tone. "You're fishing," I retorted feebly, "and it's all at the expense of my time and my sleep." "Have you ever been gay?" Number One insisted. "No. I'm a vegetarian." "answer the questions!" "Not really." "what does that mean?" "Well... once..." "Aha!" Four exclaimed happily. "Look! Look!" cried Six. "We were right. Mr. Nudelman, you can't fool us." "If 'being right' is so important." I shrugged.Very tired. "It's absolutely important," said Mrs. Jay. "We have to come to a conclusion, or we'd be remiss. You don't think government agencies get paid for doing nothing, do you?" "Go on, please." The chairman urged me.He looked at me intently. "Well, when I was 13, I was walking in the woods next to my house in Queens, you know, Forest Park." "Go on." "That's when I ran into that—" "Didn't I-I-I-didn't tell you-the-men? Gentlemen," Interjected Five. "Let him finish!" cried the Chairman. "I bumped into the guy and he stalked me. Then he asked me: 'Hey boy, do you want me to help you?' 'How can I help you?' I asked. 'Want me to give you a blowjob?' ?'He said." "Blowjob?" Four asked, fiddling with the garter. "Dick sucking." The chairman said as if he knew everything. "Oh," said Four, jotting it down on a piece of paper. "Then what do you do?" No. 1 asked me pretending to be contemplative. "I was scared to death and ran as fast as I could out of the woods." "He's gone!" shouted one. "Run!" echoed another. "Running out of the woods." They all stood up, singing and clapping in unison. "Run as hard as you can!" shouted one of the flurry of demons. I wait with great discomfort for this to end soon. "Aha!" exclaimed the chairman at last, subsiding his excitement a bit, and began scribbling notes. "Why didn't you tell us about this earlier?" "Because it didn't occur to me that there was any point in it." "It makes sense. Let's decide what it means." He showed great concern. "But what exactly does that mean?" "Sorry, I can't tell you. It's going to be included in the top secret file." "But I have to know. Know what the Freedom of Information Act is for? I have a right to know if my personality has been misrepresented. Why is it important? Does it mean I'm straight, or gay, or something lover?" "Its significance naturally goes far beyond worldly perception." "You have to tell me," I yelled again. "please!" "Now let's get to the real work." "What job?" I said with a sob.Fear clenched my throat. "The ultimate goal," Seven said. "You think—?" "We want you to plead guilty!" growled the chairman.His gavel struck hard.I glanced at Mrs. Jie in extreme despair, but unexpectedly her eyes suddenly became fierce and cold. "Don't miss a sentence, an opinion." Number One said angrily. "All the facts, only the facts, nothing else." "About what?" I asked out loud. "you know." "But I don't know! I really don't know!" "You don't have peace if you don't plead guilty." "I plead guilty, but you have to tell me what I plead guilty to! I really don't know." "But you know." "About homosexuals?" "wrong." "About the impotence of love?" "wrong." "About being a big piece of shit, a social misfit? About being a born liar?" "wrong." "wrong." "wrong!" "What's that about?" "It's hopeless," Number Eight said.He shook his head in disgust. "Typical," Mrs. Jay said.I used to think of her as a good friend. "You can think socially and spiritually." "It's about the mind, not the body." "Too sharp." "I can't even keep my job!" "I can't even find a job selling bread when there's a famine." "What does this have to do with my job hunting?" I said out loud. "It's okay, it's okay!" "Let me ask him a few questions!" "Please," I begged, with tears streaming down my face.Instinctively, I tried to cover up my exposed parts, because I found that I was only wearing a pair of tattered underwear—and suddenly remembered my mother’s teaching: Remember, you must change into a pair of clean underwear before taking the exam, and you must change before you go to buy shoes A pair of socks without holes. "He's crazy!" Number Two said accusingly, pointing at my distressed appearance. "It's a lunatic!" "Insanity!" "Insanity!" "I will sign all the papers. Repent of all sins, past, present, and even imaginable. If you will give me--no! I will not repent. I have my rights! You just want to torture Me. Give me a dime to call my lawyer, anyway, I refuse to admit to this court because you forgot to read my rights." I yelled at them, pumping my fist. "I'm not a fool. I know the law." "Stupider than a gay guy." "I move to dismiss the case on the grounds that—!" "Crazier than a woodpecker!" "Okay, okay, I plead guilty. Damn, I can't stop if I start. We're going to stay here till the day we go to hell." "We have plenty of time," said the chairman with a smile. "But what guilt do I have to confess?" "You'll know, Mr. Nudelman," he said, smiling as he walked away. "You'll know."