Chapter 35 Bouquet for Algernon - Uneasy

Bouquet for Algernon - Uneasy "June 25th" I was very nervous when I called Alice today, and the voice sounded a little broken.It was good to hear her voice on the phone, and she seemed happy that I called her, and agreed to let me see her right away.Along the way, I felt uneasy, so I felt that the taxi was driving very slowly. When I arrived at her residence, before I even knocked on the door, she opened the door and hugged me and said, "Charlie, we were all worried to death. I was also afraid that your dead body was in an unknown alley, or you were suffering from amnesia. Where did you go? Why didn't you call us and tell us you were safe?"

"Don't blame me, I just want to be alone for a while, so I can find answers to some questions." "Come in, I'll make some coffee in the kitchen. How are you?" "I've been thinking, reading and writing for a while, and wandering around some nights trying to figure out who I am. I realize that the old Charlie is still watching me from the shadows." "That's not the case!" She was so frightened and trembling when she heard this, "He's watching you in the dark? Could it be true? Maybe it's just imagination." "I often can't help but think that I am not who I am now, that I just took his place and locked him up, just like I was trapped in the bakery alone and helpless. I mean, in the past That Charlie? Gordon really exists. Before the old one disappears, it is impossible to put a new Charlie in its place. However, the old Charlie? Gordon cannot be erased. I want to To find him, I will first go to his father—I mean my father, because if I can prove the existence of Charlie in the past, I can also prove my current existence. Nima said that I was created by him, and I Feeling deeply insulted, I wanted to prove it. Yet I realized that Charlie was not only in the past, but also in the present, in me, around me, always between you and me. I think my Wisdom has grown, and I have built an obstacle for myself invisibly, because I have become proud and rude, and I don’t know it. I always think that I am too much ahead of you as you said, so we have nothing in common. But it's not true. I'm afraid of women because Charlie was told by his mother not to approach women all the time when he was a child, do you know what I mean? Although I have grown a lot intellectually in recent months, I have grown mentally and emotionally. Emotionally, it’s still the same as Charlie when I was a kid. So every time I get close to you, or think about having sex with you, I feel like I’m short-circuited and I can’t get back to normal.”

The more I spoke, the more excited I became, and the voice became higher and higher unconsciously, which made Alice feel a little scared, and her face flushed.She spat out a weak voice and said, "Do you need my help? Is there anything I can do to help?" I answered her, "I've changed a lot in the weeks since I've been out of the lab. At first, I didn't know what to do, but as I was wandering around town last night, it dawned on me that I wanted to Solving problems on your own is as stupid as it gets. The more I get stuck in memories and dreams of the past, the more I understand emotional and psychological problems that cannot be solved as easily as intellectual problems. Last night , that's what I found, I felt like a lost soul, and I was lost once."

"In a way, I was emotionally and psychologically out of touch with everyone and everything. I was in dark corners -- these were the only places I'd ever been able to stay -- going in and out trying to find The real thing is to be emotionally and psychologically connected to others, but also be mentally free. I have to grow, and that means a lot to me.” I talked on and on, as if I wanted to spit out all the unhappiness and doubts in my heart.Alice sat there listening to me like a sound-absorbing panel, almost hypnotized by my exciting conversation.Because of this, I felt warm in my heart, and my whole body became warm, and finally it seemed as if it was going to burn and emit heat, which was transmitted to the person I cared about and cared about sitting in front of me.This feeling is very unusual.

However, it might have been too much for Alice to spit out my chest like this, so she began to tremble a little, and then even cried aloud.At this moment, the painting behind the sofa—the portrait of the red-cheeked, flattering maid—suddenly grabbed my attention, and made me think how Alice would feel after such a confession.If I said I wanted her, she would probably commit, but what would Charlie do? If I wanted to have sex with Fee, Charlie probably wouldn't interfere, at most he'd just stand by the door and watch.But when I tried to get close to Alice, he panicked.Why should he be afraid of me loving Alice?

Alice sat on the couch watching me, expecting me to do something, but what should I do?I want to hold her in my arms and... However, I just started thinking about these things, and those warning messages followed. "Are you all right? Charlie, you're turning pale." At this time, I sat shoulder to shoulder with her on the sofa. "It's just a little dizzy, it'll be fine later." I said that, but I knew pretty well that as long as Charlie felt the danger of me making love to Alice, it would only get worse. Then I thought of a way to overcome it, which at first seemed inappropriate, even a bit dirty, but then I thought the only thing that could fix the temporary paralysis was cheating on Charlie.If he was afraid of Alice instead of Fee for some reason, I would turn off the lights and pretend I was making love to Fee so Charlie wouldn't know the difference.

It was an unseemly and dirty way of doing things, but if I got away with it, it would have removed the emotional block Charlie had created in me, because when it was done, my mind had decided and understood that it was Alice I really loved.Yes, this is the only way to solve it. "I'm fine now, just turn off the light and sit in the dark for a while." I turned off the light and waited for myself to recover slowly.It wasn't easy, though, because I had to conjure up images of Fee in my head and pretend to believe it was Fee sitting next to me.Besides, it wouldn't do Charlie much good to stand somewhere and watch out of my body, because the room is dark now.

I thought there would be some signal from my body that Charlie suspected, like panic, but there was nothing. I became alert, tried to calm myself, and hugged Alice with my heart. "Charlie, I..." "Don't talk," I shouted decisively, and she drew back in fright. "Please don't say anything, just let me hug you quietly in the dark." I pulled her closer to me again.In the darkness, Fei's shadow began to float in my mind. Her long blond hair and fair skin were exactly the same as the last time I saw her.I started to kiss Faye's hair, then slid down to kiss her neck, and finally landed on her lips.That's when I felt Fee's hands touch the skin on my back, then my shoulders.In the end, the inside of my body also tightened up.At first, I caressed her slowly, then more and more quickly, as if a surge of excitement was about to burst out.

The hair on the back of my head began to tingle, as if someone was spying on me in the dark, trying to see me clearly, so I began to think passionately of Fei's name, again and again, Fei!Fei!Fei!I hastened to call out the image of Faye, and let her be clearly printed in my mind, lest any obstacle sneak in between us.Later, she grabbed me too, but I cried out and pushed her away. "Charlie!" Although I couldn't see Alice's face, I could hear her fear from her panting. "Oh! Alice, I can't help it. You can't understand it." I jumped off the couch and turned on the light, hoping to see Charlie standing somewhere.However, there was no one else in the room but me and Alice, and Charlie was still hidden in my heart.At this time, Alice was still lying on the sofa, I had already unbuttoned her shirt, her whole face was flushed, her eyes were wide open, with an expression of disbelief. "I love you..." My voice choked up as I said those words. "But I can't do it, and I can't explain it to you. If I just stopped in time, I will hate myself for the rest of my life. Don't ask me to explain the reason, or you will hate me too. All I can say is, this matter Something to do with that old Charlie who won't let me have sex with you."

She turned her face away and started buttoning her blouse. "Tonight is different," she said. "You don't appear to be acting malicious or panicking. You still want me in your heart." "Yes, I want you, but I wasn't actually making love to 'you' just now, I was using you in a way, but I can't explain how, even I don't I can only say that I’m not ready mentally, and I can’t pretend before I’m mentally ready, that’s tantamount to deceiving myself.” After saying this, I got up and prepared to leave. She said, "Charlie, don't run away again."

"I won't leave again. I have to go back to work. Please tell them that I will go back to the laboratory after I stabilize in the past few days." When I left Alice's apartment, I just felt dizzy.When I went downstairs to the gate of the building, I didn't know where to go.I chose a small road at random and walked in, but after walking for a while, I found that it was a dead end, so I turned back and turned to another road, but soon found that the situation was the same, and it was a dead end again. This happened several times in a row, and finally I was terrified and shocked, it seemed like everywhere I went I was turned away, there was nowhere to go, no way to go, no woman to be with. Finally, I stumbled over to the subway to catch a ride to Forty-ninth Street.There were not many pedestrians on the road, and I saw a blonde girl walking to the station to catch a bus. Her figure reminded me of Faye.Later, passing a liquor store, I went in without thinking and bought a bottle of gin.When I came out to wait for the bus, I opened the paper bag like a homeless man and took out a few sips of the wine bottle, which made my stomach burn all the way to the end. Although it felt violent but very comfortable, I took another sip, this time it was just a light drink.When the bus came, my whole body was in a throbbing sensation.I didn't drink any more after that because I didn't want to pass out at the moment. When I got back to the apartment, I knocked on Fay's door and she didn't answer, so I opened it and poked my head in.She hasn't returned yet, but keeps the lights on.Fee is one who doesn't get cold feet, why can't I be like her? I went back to my residence and waited for her to come back. After taking off my clothes and taking a shower, and putting on home clothes, I secretly prayed in my heart that no one would come back with her tonight. About two-thirty in the morning, I heard Fee come upstairs, so I grabbed the bottle and climbed to the fire escape, trying to get into her room from there.Her front door was left open, but I don't feel like typing in there right now.When I got to her window, I thought about tapping a few times to let her know I was coming, but then changed my mind and just stayed there to watch her.After kicking off the shoes, she twisted her body briskly, and then slowly took off the clothes one by one in front of the mirror, and at the same time made a few self-deprecating movements. I didn't want her to know I was there to see her, so I went back to my apartment.When I entered, I didn't turn on the light right away, hesitating whether to invite her over, but seeing the orderliness everywhere in the room, full of too many straight lines to be cleared, I knew that nothing could happen to her here, so I went out again Go across the hallway and knock on her door.At first, I knocked lightly, and then I knocked harder. "The door is open!" she yelled from inside. She was lying on the floor in her underwear, her legs dangling over the edge of the couch, her hands spread out on either side of her head.Hearing the sound of me entering, she tilted her head and looked upside down at me. "Charlie, honey, why are you standing upside down?" "Never mind that," I replied, taking the wine out of the paper bag. "I've got too many lines and boxes in my head. I thought maybe you could clear them up for me." "It's the best thing ever," she says. "If you start focusing on the burning sensation in your stomach, all the straight lines will slowly melt away." "It's starting to melt now." "Great!" She stood up, "I want it too. Today I danced with a lot of rigid but honest guys, and now let's melt these honest guys!" After finishing speaking, she picked up Let me help her fill the wine glass. As she drank, I slid my arms around her armpits and stroked the bare skin on her back. "Hey! My God! What the hell is going on here?" "I've been waiting for you to come back just now." She flinched back. "Wait a minute, Charlie, we've done this before, but you know it, and nothing happened. I mean, I miss you a lot, and I drag you to bed every chance I get, But I really don't want to waste my time, it's not fair, Charlie." "It's different tonight, I promise." Before she could speak and protest, I hugged her tightly again and started kissing and caressing her so hard it almost tore me apart.I circled her in high arousal as I tried to undo her bra, but I tore the button with too much force. "For goodness sake, Charlie, my bra..." "Don't worry about it," I said, starting to get a little out of breath, as I helped her remove her bra. "I'll buy you a new one. I'm going to make up for what I did to you now. I'm going to fuck you all night." She pushed me away again. "Charlie, I've never heard you say such a thing. Don't look at me like that, as if you want to swallow me whole." She quickly grabbed a shirt from the chair beside her to cover her chest, "You like this Instead, it made me feel naked." "I want to have sex with you. I know I can tonight, I feel that way. Don't turn me down, Fee..." "Come on, have another drink." She said softly. I brought a glass over and filled it up for her, and while she was drinking, I kissed her neck and shoulders again, transmitting my enthusiasm and excitement into her body, and her breathing became more and more rapid . "Charlie, I don't know what it would be like if you let me down again by stirring up my feelings like this. I'm human too, and you need to understand how I feel." I dragged her to sit next to me on the couch.We both had her clothes under us. "Don't be on the couch, Charlie," she struggled to her feet. "Go to bed." "No, here." I insisted, tearing off the shirt off her body. She put the wine glass in her hand on the floor, looked down at me, then took off the remaining clothes on her body, and stood naked in front of me. "I'm going to turn off the lights." She said softly. "No," I pulled her onto the couch again, "I want to watch you." She started kissing me hard and hugged me tightly. "Don't let me down this time, Charlie." Her body slowly moved towards me.I know there will be no interruptions this time because I know what to do and how to proceed.Her breathing became more and more rapid, panting and sighing from time to time, breathing my name. For a moment I was wide awake and felt that he was very close.I looked over from the arm of the sofa, and I seemed to see him standing on the window sill where I was squatting not long ago, staring at me against the night.The perceptual switch in my head, I was back to the fire escape, standing there watching a man and a woman in the room having sex on the sofa. Then, I battled my willpower and pulled myself back on the couch to feel Fee's body, my urges, and my abilities.Even so, I saw him standing by the window, staring at us hungrily.I said to myself, "You little bastard, just watch! I don't care about you. I'm not going to get cold feet again!" Then, I saw his eyes widen in surprise as he watched.