Chapter 2 bride

bride one It was past ten o'clock in the evening, and a full moon shone on the garden.Evening prayer had just been finished at Shu Ming's house, which was ordered by grandmother Mavra Mikhailovna.Afterwards, Nadya ran into the garden, when she saw that in the hall the tables had been set with cold dishes; the grandmother was busy in a splendid silk dress; Ivanovna was talking.Through the window, the mother looked somehow very young in the evening light; Father Andrei's son, Andrei Andreitch, stood by and listened attentively to their conversation. The garden was quiet and cool, and the dark tree shadows lay quietly on the ground.You can hear the clamor of frogs in the distance, far, far away, probably outside the city.Filled with the breath of May, lovely May!You take a deep breath and you can't help thinking: not here, but somewhere else under the sky, far away from the city, in the fields and woods, everything is alive now, spring is full, nature is so mysterious, beautiful and rich But holiness is hard for the weak and sinful to comprehend.I don't know why I really want to cry.

She, Nadya, was twenty-three years old.From the age of sixteen she had been looking forward to marriage, and now at last she was the fiancée of Andrei Andreitch, who was standing behind the window.She likes him, and the wedding date has been set on July 7, but she is not happy in her heart, she can't sleep well every night, and she can't be happy anymore... From the open window in the basement, you can hear the busyness inside, the kitchen knife is dangling There was a rattling, a banging of the doors on their pulleys.There was the kitchen, from which came the smell of roast turkey and marinated cherries.For some reason she felt that life would go on like this forever, without change, without end!

At this moment someone came out of the house and stood on the steps.This is Alexander Timofeyitch, or Sasha for short, who came here from Moscow ten days ago as a guest.A long time ago, a distant relative of my grandmother used to come and ask for alms. She was Marya Petrovna, a poor widow of noble birth, who was small and sickly.Sasha was her son.For some reason everyone said he was an excellent painter.Later his mother died, and his grandmother, in order to save his soul, sent him to the police academy in Moscow. Two years later he transferred to the painting school, where he studied for almost fifteen years, and finally barely graduated in architecture. .But he never worked in construction and is currently working in a lithography factory in Moscow.Almost every summer, especially when he was seriously ill, he would come to stay with his grandmother to rest and recuperate.

Now he wears a pair of buttoned trousers and a pair of old canvas trousers with frayed hems.His shirt collar hadn't been ironed, and he looked listless.He was thin, with big eyes, ten long thin fingers, a beard, and a dark complexion.But the appearance is still beautiful.He is already familiar with Shu Ming's family and treats them as his own family. He feels like he is at home here.The room he lived in had long been called Sasha's room. He stood on the steps, saw Nadya, and went up to her. "It's nice of you here," he said. "Of course. You'd better stay here until autumn."

"Yes, probably. Maybe I'll stay with you until September." He laughed for no reason and sat down beside her. "I'm sitting here looking at my mother," she said, "and how young she looks from this side! My mother has her weaknesses, of course," she added after a moment's silence, "but she's a different person." Ordinary woman." "Yes, she is very nice..." Sasha agreed. "Your mother is of course a very kind and lovely woman by nature, but... how can I tell you? I went to your house early this morning I went to the kitchen and saw four maids sleeping directly on the floor, no beds, no bedding, covered with tattered things, there was an unpleasant smell, and there were many bedbugs and cockroaches... completely different from twenty years ago Same thing, nothing changed. Oh, and as for Grandma, God bless her, she's old and doesn't care. But you know, your mother must have spoken French, and she's been in amateur shows, so she should understand. "

When Sasha speaks, he likes to stretch out two slender fingers in front of the listener. "Everything here is kind of queer and disgusting," he went on. "God knows, people don't do anything here. Your mother just walks around like a duke." Madam, grandmother does nothing, and neither do you. Even your fiancé, Andrei Andreitch, does nothing." Nadya had heard this conversation last year, as if she had heard it the year before, and she knew that Sasha couldn't say anything else.She had found these words ridiculous before, but now she found them somehow unpleasant.

"What you're saying is old stuff, and it's already tiresome," she said, standing up. "You should come up with something new." He smiled, stood up too, and the two of them walked toward the house. She was tall, beautiful, and slender, and she looked even healthier next to him, and she was gorgeously dressed.Feeling this, she could not help pitying him, and feeling uneasy for some reason. "You say a lot of unnecessary things," she said. "You just mentioned my Andrei, whom you don't really know." "'My Andrei' . . . Fuck him, fuck your Andrei! I'm so sorry for your youth."

They entered the hall by which time they were all seated to supper.Grandma, or as the family called her, was fat and ugly, with bushy eyebrows, a little mustache, and a loud voice. Just by listening to her voice and tone, one could tell that she was here. head of the family.The rows of shops in the market place and the old house with its columns and garden belonged to her, and she prayed every morning that God would save her from bankruptcy, often with tears in her eyes.Her daughter-in-law, Nadya's mother, Nina Ivanovna, had fair hair, was tightly corseted, wore a pince-nez, and had diamond rings on every finger.Father Andrey was a thin old man who had lost his teeth, and from the expression on his face it seemed that he was about to tell something very ridiculous.His son Andrei Andreitch, Nadya's fiancé, was stocky and handsome, with curly hair like an actor or a painter.The three of them were talking about hypnotism.

①The original text is French. "You'll come back to life in my house for a week," Grandma turned to Sasha, "just eat more. Look what you look like!" She sighed and said, "You look scary! Really, you've become a prodigal son." "To squander all the wealth that his father gave him," said Father Andrey with a smile in his eyes, "the rascal son has to be tended to pigs..."② ②The parable of the prodigal son comes from the Bible, see Chapter 15 of the Gospel of Luke. "I like my father," said Andrey Andreitch, patting his father on the shoulder. "He's a lovely old man, a kind old man."

Everyone was silent.Suddenly Sasha laughed and covered her mouth with a napkin. "So you also believe in hypnotism?" Father Andrei asked Nina Ivanovna. "Of course I cannot say for sure that I believe it," answered Nina Ivanovna, her face becoming very serious, even a little severe, "but it must be admitted that nature is full of mysterious and incomprehensible phenomena." "I quite agree with you, but I must add that religion has greatly narrowed the realm of the mystical for us." Served with a big fat turkey.Father Andrei and Nina Ivanovna continued their conversation.The diamond ring on Nina Ivanovna's finger gleamed, and then tears came to her eyes, and she began to agitate.

"Although I dare not argue with you," she said, "you must admit that there are many mysteries in life that cannot be solved!" "Absolutely not, I can assure you." After dinner Andrei Andreyich played the violin and Nina Ivanovna accompanied him on the piano.Ten years ago he graduated from the language department of the university, but he has never worked, has no fixed occupation, and only occasionally participates in concerts held for charity.People in the city call him an actor. Andrey Andreitch played the violin, and everyone listened in silence.The samovar on the table was boiling and steaming, and Sasha was alone drinking tea.Then the clock struck twelve, and suddenly a string on the violin snapped.Everyone laughed and got up to say goodbye. After seeing off her fiancé, Nadya went back to the bedroom upstairs where she lived with her mother (the old woman lived downstairs).Downstairs in the hall the lights were starting to go out, but Sasha was still sitting drinking tea.He always drank tea for a very long time, which was completely a Muscovite habit, and he always drank seven or eight cups at a time.Nadya took off her clothes and lay down on the bed. After a long time, she could hear the maid packing things downstairs, and the old grandma was angry.Finally, everything was quiet, except for the occasional low coughing of Sasha from downstairs in his room. two When Nadya awoke, it was about two o'clock, when dawn began to break.In the distance, a watchman was beating on his clapper.She didn't want to sleep anymore, she was lying soft and uncomfortable.Nadya sat on the bed and began to think, as she did on past May nights.But her thoughts were the same as the night before, monotonous and tiresome, only that Andrey Andreitch began to woo her and propose to her, she agreed, and gradually began to appreciate this kind and intelligent man .But for some reason, now that the divorce period is less than two months away, she feels panic and anxiety, as if there is an inexplicable distressing thing waiting for her. "Du Du, Di Du," the watchman lazily tapped on his clapper, "Du Du, Di Du..." From the large old window one could look out into the garden, and in the distance lilac bushes in bloom, sleepy and wilted with the cold.A thick white fog slowly moved towards the lilac flower, trying to cover it.From time to time in the woods in the distance, rooks woke up from the dream crowed a few times. "My God, why is my heart so heavy!" Maybe every fiancée feels this way before marriage.Who knows!Maybe it was influenced by Sasha?But you know, Sasha has been saying the same thing for several years, like an endorsement, and it seems innocent and weird when he speaks.So why can't I forget Sasha in my mind?Why? The watchman has long since stopped playing clappers.In the garden in front of the window, the birds are chirping, the fog in the garden has disappeared, and everything around is bathed in the morning call of spring, as if smiling.Soon, the whole garden was warmed up under the caress of the sun and woke up. The dewdrops on the leaves were as crystal clear and sparkling as diamonds.The old, deserted garden looked alive and beautiful this morning. Grandma has woken up.Sasha coughed gruffly.Downstairs servants could be heard bringing the samovar and moving the chairs. Time passed very slowly.Nadya was up early and had been walking in the garden, but the morning continued. Then Nina Ivanovna came out, with tears in her eyes and a glass of mineral water in her hand.She is very interested in spiritualism① and homeopathy②, has read many books on this field, and likes to talk about the doubts that arise in her mind.In Nadya's view, all of these contain profound and mysterious connotations.Now Nadya kissed her mother and walked beside her. ① Believe that the souls of the dead live in the underworld, and people can recall and "communicate" with them. ②The method of treating diseases with extremely small amounts of drugs was created by the German physician Hahnemann at the end of the eighteenth century. "Why are you crying, mother?" she asked. "Last night I read a novel all night. It told a story about an old man and his daughter. The old man was working somewhere, and then his boss fell in love with his daughter. I haven't finished the book, but there is a Everywhere you can't help crying," Nina Ivanovna finished, taking a sip of mineral water, "and this morning I thought about that passage again, and I cried again." "I've been unhappy these days," Nadya said after a moment of silence. "Why can't I sleep well every night?" "I don't know, darling. Whenever I can't sleep at night, I close my eyes and see, just like that, and imagine what Anna Karenina looked like, how she walked and how she talked. , or imagine some event in ancient history..." ③The heroine in Tolstoy's novel of the same name. Nadya felt that her mother did not understand her and could not understand her.This was the first time in her life that she felt this way. She even felt scared and wanted to hide.But she went back to her room alone. At two o'clock in the afternoon, everyone sat down to lunch.It was Wednesday, a fasting day, so the grandmother was served plain red beet soup and porridge with bream. ① Orthodox Christians are vegetarians (referring to foods made of plants and fish) on fasting days and do not eat meat (referring to milk and meat products). Sasha, deliberately teasing her grandmother, finished his vegetable soup and then the vegetarian red beet soup.At dinner he kept making jokes, but his jokes were so clumsy, so morally charged, that they turned out not to be funny at all.Whenever he made a wisecrack, he would first lift up his long, thin, dead-like fingers, so that one could not help thinking that he was very ill and might not be alive soon, and then you would sincerely say pity him. After dinner, grandma went back to her bedroom to rest.Nina Ivanovna also went to her room after playing the piano for a while. "Oh, dear Nadya!" Sasha began the after-dinner chat as usual, "if only you would listen to me! That would be great!" She buried herself deeply in the old-fashioned armchair and closed her eyes; he paced up and down the room slowly. "If only you could come out and study!" he said. "Only educated and holy people are interesting, only they are useful. You know, the more such people there are, the faster the kingdom of heaven will come on earth. Then your cities will gradually fall apart—everything will be turned upside down, everything will be changed, as if by magic. Then there will be countless magnificent and rich houses, beautiful gardens, strange Fountains, good people...but the main thing is not these. The main thing is that in our minds, there will not be so much malice in our heads, because everyone has beliefs, everyone knows them Why live, everyone doesn't need to go to the crowd for support. My dear, good girl, you go! You should show everyone that you are tired of this dead, gray, sinful life. Even if you show yourself That's good too!" "No, Sasha, I'm getting married soon." "Oh, forget it! Why get married?" The two walked into the garden and took a walk for a while. "Anyway, my dear, you should think it over and understand how dirty and immoral your idle life is," Sasha went on, "you must understand that if, for example, you , your mother and your grandma don’t do anything, then it means that others are working for you, you are entrapping others, isn’t this clean, isn’t this dirty?” Nadya was about to say: "Yes, you are right," and she wanted to say that she understood, but then tears welled up in her eyes, she fell silent, shivered, and went back to her room. in. In the evening Andrei Andreitch came and played the violin as usual for a long time.Generally speaking, he doesn't like to talk, but likes to play the violin, maybe because playing the violin can save you from talking.After ten o'clock, he put on his coat and was ready to go home.At parting he embraced Nadya and kissed her face, shoulders and hands passionately. "Darling, my darling, my beauty! . . . " he murmured, "oh, how happy I am! I'm mad with joy!" But she felt that she had heard these words before, heard them a long time ago, or read them in some book...in an old, long-lost novel. In the hall Sasha was sitting at a table drinking tea, with five long fingers holding a small cup; the old woman was playing cards and guessing, and Nina Ivanovna was reading.The flames in the eternal lamp in front of the holy statue crackled from time to time, and everything seemed peaceful and complete.Nadya said good night and went upstairs to the bedroom.She fell asleep immediately after lying down.However, just like last night, she woke up again just after dawn.Not drowsy, restless and heavy.She sat up, put her head on her knees, thought of her fiancé, thought of her marriage... Somehow Nadya remembered that her mother didn't love her late husband, and now she had nothing and could only rely on her mother-in-law, It's just the old grandma's life.Nadya thought about it and couldn't figure out why she had always regarded her mother so special and unusual, why she hadn't realized that she was an ordinary, ordinary, unfortunate woman. Downstairs Sasha hadn't fallen asleep - he could be heard coughing.Nadya thought that this was a queer and innocent man, and that in his fantasies, in those beautiful gardens and strange fountains, there was something absurd and ridiculous.But for some reason, there are many beautiful things in his innocence, even in his absurdity, so that when she thinks about going out to study, her whole heart and chest feel a chill, and immediately Surging joy, ecstasy of emotion. "But it's better not to think about it, not to think about it..." she whispered. "It's not the kind of thing you should be thinking about." "Du Du, Di Du..." The watchman tapped his clapper in the distance, "Di Du, Di Du..." three In the middle of June, Sasha suddenly felt bored and decided to go back to Moscow. "I can't live in this city anymore," he said sullenly. "No running water, no sewer! I feel sick when I eat: the kitchen is so dirty..." "Wait a little longer, prodigal son," the grandmother whispered for some reason, "the seventh is the wedding day." "I don't want to participate." "You said you would stay with us till September!" "But now I don't want to live. I want to work!" It was a damp and cold summer, the trees were wet, and everything in the garden looked gloomy and depressing, and one was tempted to work.In many rooms upstairs and downstairs, the voices of strange women can be heard, and the sewing machine in the grandmother's room is beeping happily: it is rushing to make the dowry.Just the fur coat alone made six pieces for Nadya, the cheapest of which, according to the grandmother, was worth three hundred rubles!Exasperated by the pre-wedding hustle, Sasha sat sulking in his room.But everyone still persuaded him to stay, and he also promised not to leave until July 1st. time flies.On the afternoon of St. Peter's Day Andrei Andreitch went with Nadya to Moskva Street to see once more the house which had been rented for the newlyweds.This is a two-story building, but only the upper floor has been renovated so far.In the hall, the parquet floor is freshly painted, with Viennese chairs, piano and violin sloped music stand.There is a smell of paint.On the wall was a painting in a large gold frame: a nude woman with a lavender vase with a broken handle beside her. ①The Orthodox holiday falls on June 29th in the Russian calendar. "A masterpiece," Andrei Andreitch admired respectfully, "the work of the painter Shishmachevsky." Next to it was the living room, with a round table, couch, and armchairs all covered with bright blue covers.Above the sofa hangs a large photo of Father Andre wearing a miter and medals.Then they went into the dining room with the liquor cabinet and then into the bedroom.The bedroom was dimly lit, with two beds side by side, as if people, when furnishing a new house, must have assumed that it would be perfect forever and nothing else.Andrey Andreitch led Nadya from room to room, and kept his arms around her waist.She felt weak, guilty, sick of all these rooms and beds and armchairs, and disgusted by the naked woman.She was now clearly aware that she no longer loved Andrey Andreitch, perhaps she had never loved him at all.But how to say this, to whom, and why, she still can't figure it out, and she can't figure it out, even though she thinks about it day and night... He put his arms around her waist and said So sweet-talking, so courteous, he walked up and down his apartment beamingly, and it all seemed to her vulgarity, stupid, pure, unbearable vulgarity, even his Holding her hand she also felt hard and cold, like an iron band.She was always ready to run away, crying and jumping from the window.Andrey Andreitch led her into the bathroom again, and as soon as he was in he turned on the tap on the wall, and the water gushed out immediately. "How?" he said with a smile on his face. "I ordered someone to build a large water tank in the attic, which can hold a hundred barrels of water, so that we can use tap water." At last they crossed the yard into the street and called a carriage.The sky was covered with flying dust, and it looked like it was going to rain. "Are you cold?" asked Andrey Andreitch, squinting his eyes in the dust. She was silent. "Yesterday, Sasha, you remember, reproached me for not doing anything," he said after a moment of silence, "really, he was right! Exactly! Do you know why, my dear? Why do I resent the thought of someday going to work with a cap badge on my forehead? So uneasy? Oh, mother Russia, how many idle, useless people you are burdened with! How many people like me are burdening you, mother who suffers so much!" He generalized his idleness as characteristic of the times. "When we're married," he went on, "we'll go to the country together, my dear, and we'll work there! We'll buy a small piece of land with a garden and a river, and we'll work together and observe life... Oh, how wonderful it will be!" He took off his hat, his hair blowing in the wind.As she listened to him, she thought to herself: "God, I'm going home, God!" When they were almost home, they overtook Father Andrey. "Look, father is coming too!" Andrei Andreitch said happily, waving his hat. "I like my father, really," he said, paying the fare, "what a lovely old man, a kind man old man." Nadya came home sullen and uncomfortable, thinking of the constant company of guests all evening, she had to greet them with a smile, entertain them, listen to the violin, listen to all kinds of nonsense, and had to talk about nothing else , only talk about the wedding.Grandmother sat by the samovar, in a rich silk dress, with the air of pomp and air, as she always did in front of her guests.Father Andrey entered with a sly smile. "I'm so relieved to see you in good health," he told his grandmother, though it was hard to tell whether he was joking or serious. Four From time to time the wind beat on the windows and on the roof.The wind could be heard whistling, and the house god sang its dirge in a sullen whisper in the hearth.It was past twelve o'clock at midnight.Everyone in the house was lying down, but no one fell asleep.Nadya always felt as if someone was playing the violin downstairs.Suddenly there was a loud bang, probably because a window shield had fallen off.Presently Nina Ivanovna came in, wearing nothing but an embroidered blouse, with a candle in her hand. ①The elf in the house in the belief of the Slavs, the guardian god of the homeland. "What's that ringing, Nadya?" she asked. My mother combed her hair into a braid, with a shy smile on her face, looking old, ugly, and short on this stormy night.Nadya couldn't help remembering that not long ago she had always thought her mother was unusual, and she always listened to her words with pride; but now she couldn't remember these words; everything she could remember was plain ,not interesting. There was a humming in the fireplace, as if several bass voices were singing again, and even a sigh of "Alas, my God!" could be heard.Nadya sat on the bed, suddenly pulled her hair violently, and burst into tears. "Mother, mother," she said, "my dear mother, if only you would know what has happened to me! I beg you, I beg you, let me go! I beg you!" "Where are you going?" asked Nina Ivanovna, who sat down on the bed, not understanding what was going on. "Where are you going?" Nadya cried for a long time, and could not utter a word. "You get me out of this city!" she said at last. "There should be no wedding and there won't be a wedding, you know! I don't love this man . . . and don't even want to talk about him." "No, my dear, no," Nina Ivanovna said hastily, frightened, "you are quiet, you are in a bad mood, and you will pass away. It happens all the time." You and Andre probably quarreled, but when the young couple quarreled, fighting was kissing, scolding was love." "Okay, you go, mother, you go!" Nadya burst into tears again. "Yes," said Nina Ivanovna after a moment's silence, "not long ago you were a child, little girl, and now you are going to be a bride. Everything in nature is always being renewed. Imperceptibly." You will also be a mother and grandma, and like me, you will also have a stubborn and willful daughter." "My dear good mother, you know you are clever, and you are unhappy," said Nadya, "you are unhappy, why do you keep saying vulgar things? For God's sake, tell me why?" Nina Ivanovna wanted to say something, but could not utter a word, sobbed, and ran back to her room.The bass voice in the fireplace was whining again, suddenly terrible.Nadya jumped up from the bed and hurried to mother's room.Nina Ivanovna was lying on the bed, stained with tears, covered with a light blue quilt, with a book in her hand. "Mother, listen to me!" said Nadya, "I beg you to think about it and understand! You only need to understand how vulgar and low our life is! My eyes are opened, and I am now You see everything clearly. Who is your Andrei Andreitch, he is not really clever, mother! My God! You understand, mother, he is stupid!" Nina Ivanovna sat up suddenly. "You and your grandma are here to torture me!" She choked, "I want to live! I want to live!" She repeated, beating her chest twice with her fists, "You give me back my freedom! Want to live, but you have turned me into an old woman! . . . " She cried sadly, lay down on the quilt, curled up into a ball, looking so weak, pitiful, and stupid.Nadya went back to her room, dressed, sat by the window, and waited for daylight.She had been sitting there all night thinking, and someone in the yard knocked on the shutters and snorted from time to time. In the morning my grandmother complained that all the apples had been blown down by the night's wind, and an old plum tree was broken.The sky is gray, gloomy, and lifeless, and I really want to set it on fire.Everyone complained of the cold and the rain beating on the windows.After tea Nadya went to Sasha, knelt down in the corner by the armchair without saying a word, and covered her face with her hands. "What's wrong?" Sasha asked. "I can't..." she said, "how I was able to live here before, I don't understand, I don't understand! I despise my fiancé, I despise myself, I despise all this idle, meaningless life... " "Oh, oh..." Sasha responded again and again, still not understanding what happened to her, "It's okay...it's good..." "I'm tired of this life," continued Nadya. "I can't stay here any longer. I'm leaving here tomorrow. Please take me away, for God's sake!" Sasha stared at her in amazement, and for a good minute he finally understood, and with the joy of a child, he danced with joy so great that he wanted to dance. "Wonderful!" he said, rubbing his hands together. "My God, how good it is!" As if possessed, she opened a pair of big eyes full of love and fixedly looked at him, waiting for him to say meaningful and important words to her immediately.He hadn't said anything yet, but she already felt that a new vastness was opening up before her that she had never known before, and she was looking forward to it with hope, ready for it, even to die. "I'm leaving tomorrow," he said after thinking for a while. "You see me off at the station... I'll put your luggage in my suitcase, and I'll buy your ticket. Wait until the third bell rings." , get in the car, and we’ll go together. I’ll take you to Moscow, and there you’ll go to Petersburg alone. Do you have your ID card?” "Have." "I swear to you, you won't regret it in the future, you won't regret it," Sasha said excitedly, "you go, go study, and let fate arrange your whereabouts when you get there. As long as you completely change Your life, everything will change. The point is to change your life completely, and the rest is not important. Okay, we go together tomorrow?" "Ah, yes! For God's sake!" Nadya felt that she was very excited at this moment, and her heart was so heavy that she would be sad and brooding from now until she left.But as soon as she got back to the upstairs room, she lay down on the bed and fell asleep immediately.She slept soundly, with tears and a smile on her face, and did not wake up until evening. Fives Someone went to hail a cab.Nadya had already put on her hat and coat.She went upstairs to have another look at her mother, and to look at her things again.She stood beside Yu Wen's bed in the room for a while, looked around, and then walked gently into her mother's room.Nina Ivanovna was still asleep, and the room was very still.Nadya kissed her mother, smoothed her hair, stood there for two or three minutes... and then went downstairs without haste. It was raining heavily outside.The carriage had already put on the hood, was dripping wet, and stopped at the gate. "Nadya, there's no room for two people in the car," said the grandmother, seeing the servant put the suitcase on the car, "why take someone off in this weather! You'd better stay at home. Look at the rain!" Nadya wanted to say something, but couldn't utter a single word.Sasha then helped her into the car and sat down, covering her lap with a checkered blanket, and sat down beside him. "Safe trip! God bless you!" cried the grandmother from the steps. "Sasha, you will write to us in Moscow!" "Okay, goodbye, grandma!" "May the Holy Mother bless you!" "Oh, the weather!" said Sasha. Only then did Nadya begin to cry.Now she knew in her heart that she was really going to go, and she didn't quite believe it when she went to see her mother and said goodbye to grandma just now.Farewell, my hometown city!For a moment she thought of everything, of Andrei, his father, the new house, the naked woman and the vase.All this no longer frightened and weighed her down, all this was childish, small, and gone forever.By the time they got into the car and the train moved on, the long and dreary past had shrunk into a small ball, and a grand and wide future lay before her that she hadn't been aware of before.Rain beating against the car windows, from which all I could see were green fields, flashing telephone poles and birds on the wires.A surge of joy suddenly overwhelmed her: she remembered that she was going free, going out to study, as it was said a long time ago, "going out to be a free Cossack."She laughed and cried and prayed. "Not bad," Sasha said with a smug smile, "not bad!" six Autumn passed, and with it winter passed.Nadya was already very homesick, she missed her mother and grandmother every day, and she missed Sasha.The letters from home were calm and kind, as if everything had been forgiven, even forced to be forgotten.After the exam in May, she was healthy and full of energy, and happily set off home.When passing through Moscow, she got out of the car to see Sasha.He was the same as last summer: unshaven, disheveled, in the same frock coat and canvas pants, with the same big, beautiful eyes.But he looked sick and tired, obviously old, thin, and coughing.Somehow it seemed to Nadya that he had become mediocre and rustic. "My God! Nadya is here!" he said, smiling with joy. "My darling, good girl!" They sat for a while in the lithography factory, where the mines were smoky and the smell of ink and paint was choking.后来他们来到他的住房，这里同样烟气熏人，还痰迹斑斑。桌子上，一把放凉的茶炊旁边，有个破盘子里放一张黑纸。桌上和地板上到处是死苍蝇。由此可见，萨沙的个人生活安排得很不经心，马虎得很，他显然蔑视居所的舒适和方便。如若有人跟他谈起他个人的幸福、他的私人生活，或者别人对他的爱慕，这时他便觉得不可理解，常常只是一笑了之。 “没什么，一切都很顺利，”娜佳急忙说，“妈妈在秋天到彼得堡来看过我，说奶奶已经不生气了，就是常常走进我的房间，在墙上画十字。” 萨沙看上去很快活，但不时咳一阵，说话的声音发颤。娜佳留心观察他，不知道他是真病了，或者仅仅是她的感觉。 “萨沙，我亲爱的，”她说，“要知道您有病！” “不，没什么。有点病，但不要紧……” “哎呀，我的天哪，”娜佳激动起来，“为什么您不去治病，为什么您不爱护自己的健康？我亲爱的萨沙，”她说时眼睛里闪着泪花，不知为什么她的想象中浮现出安德烈·安德烈伊奇，裸体女人和花瓶，以及过去的一切，尽管此刻她觉得所有这些像童年一样已十分遥远。她之流泪还因为在她的心目中萨沙不再像去年那样新奇、有见地、有趣味了。“亲爱的萨沙，您病得很重。我不知道做什么才能让您不这么清瘦苍白。我是多么感激您！您甚至无法想象，您为我做了多少事情，我的好萨沙！实际上您现在就是我最亲切最贴近的人了。” 他们坐着谈了一阵。现在，当娜佳在彼得堡度过了一冬之后，她只觉得萨沙，他的话，他的笑容，以及整个人，无不散发出一股衰老陈腐的气息，似乎他早已活到了头，也许已经进入了坟墓。 “我后天就去伏尔加河旅行，”萨沙说，“然后去喝马奶酒。①我很想喝马奶酒。有一个朋友和他的妻子跟我同行。他妻子是个极好的人，我一直在怂恿她、说服她外出求学。我也想让她彻底改变自己的生活。” ①高加索一带时兴用马奶酒治疗肺结核。 谈了一阵，他们便去火车站。萨沙请她喝茶，吃苹果。火车开动了，他微笑着挥动手帕，从他的脚步就可以看出他病得很重，恐怕不久于人世了。 中午时分，娜佳回到了故乡的城市。她出了站台，雇了马车回家。一路上她觉得故乡的街道显得很宽，两边的房子却十分矮小。街上没有人，只碰到一个穿棕色大衣的德国籍钢琴调音师。所有的房屋都像蒙着尘土。祖母显然已经老了，依旧很胖，相貌难看。她抱住娜佳，脸挨着娜佳的肩头，哭了很久都不肯放开她。尼娜·伊凡诺夫娜也苍老多了，变得不好看了，消瘦了，但依旧束着腰，手指上的钻石戒指闪闪发光。 “宝贝儿，”她全身颤抖着说，“我的宝贝儿！” 然后大家坐下，默默地流泪。显然祖母和母亲都感到，往日的生活一去不返，无可挽回：无论是社会地位，昔日的荣誉，还是请客聚会的权利，统统不复存在。这正像一家人原本过着轻松的无忧无虑的生活，忽然夜里来了警察，搜查一通，原来这家主人盗用公款，伪造证据——从此，永远告别了轻松的无忧无虑的生活！ 娜佳回到楼上，见到了原来的床，原来的窗子和朴素的白窗帘。窗外还是那个花园，阳光明丽，树木葱笼，鸟雀喧闹。她摸摸自己的桌子，坐下来，开始沉思默想。她吃了一顿丰盛的午饭，还喝了一杯浓浓的可口的奶茶，可是总觉得缺了点什么，房间里空荡荡的，天花板显得低矮。晚上她躺下睡觉，盖上被子，不知为什么觉得躺在这张温暖柔软的床上有点可笑。 尼娜·伊凡诺夫娜进来了，她坐下，像有过错似的怯生生地坐着，说话小心谨慎。 “哦，怎么样，娜佳？”她沉默片刻，问道，“你满意吗？很满意吗？” “满意，妈妈。” 尼娜·伊凡诺夫娜站起来，在娜佳胸前和窗子上画十字。 “我呢，你也看到了，开始信教了，”她说，“你知道，我现在在学哲学，经常想啊，想啊……现在对我来说许多事情像白昼一样清楚。首先，我觉得，全部生活要像通过三棱镜一样度过。” “告诉我，妈妈，奶奶身体好吗？” “好像还可以。那回你跟萨沙一道走了，你来了电报，奶奶读后都晕倒了，一连躺了三天没有下床。后来她不住地祷告上帝，伤心落泪。可是现在没什么了。” 她站起来，在室内走一走。 “滴笃，滴笃……”更夫敲打着梆子，“滴笃，滴笃……” “首先，要让全部生活像通过三棱镜一样度过。”她说，“换句话说，也就是要把生活在意识中分解成最简单的成分，正如光能分解成七种原色一样，然后对每一种成分进行单独的研究。” 尼娜·伊凡诺夫娜还说了些什么，她是什么时候走的，娜佳都一无所知，因为她很快就睡着了。 五月过去，六月来临。娜佳已经习惯了家里的生活。祖母成天为茶炊忙碌，不住地叹气。尼娜·伊凡诺夫娜每天晚上谈她的哲学。在这个家里，她依旧像个食客，花一个小钱都要向奶奶讨。家里苍蝇很多。房间里的天花板好像变得越来越低矮。奶奶和尼娜·伊凡诺夫娜从来不出家门，害怕在街上遇见安德烈神父和安德烈·安德烈伊奇。娜佳在花园里散步，到街上走走，她看着那些房子，灰色的围墙，她只觉得这个城市里的一切都已衰老、陈旧，等着它的只能是它的末日，或者开始一种富于朝气的全新的生活。啊，但愿那光明的新生活早日到来，到那时就可以勇敢地面对自己的命运，意识到自己的正确，做一个乐观、自由的人！这样的生活迟早要来临！现在在祖母的家里，一切都由她安排，四个女仆没有住房，只能挤在肮脏的地下室里——可是总有一天，这幢老房子将片瓦不存，被人遗忘，谁也不会再记起它……只有邻院的几个男孩子给娜佳解闷，她在花园散步的时候，他们敲打着篱笆，哄笑着逗她： “喂，新娘子！新娘子！” 萨沙从萨拉托夫寄来了信。他用欢快、飞舞的笔迹写道，他的伏尔加之旅十分顺利，可是在萨拉托夫有点小病，嗓子哑了，已经在医院里躺了两周。她清楚这是什么意思，她的内心充满了近似确信的预感，有关萨沙的预感和想法不再像从前那样使她激动不安，这一点也让她感到不悦。她一心想生活，想回到彼得堡，同萨沙的交往已经成了虽然亲切却十分遥远的过去了！她彻夜未眠，早晨坐在窗前，听着周围的动静。楼下当真有人说话：惊慌不安的祖母焦急地问什么。后来有人哭起来……娜佳赶紧下楼，看到奶奶站在屋角，在做祷告，她的脸上满是泪水。桌上有一封电报。 娜佳在房间里走来走去，听着奶奶哭泣，最后拿起那封电报，读了一遍。上面通知说，亚历山大·季莫费伊奇，简称萨沙，于昨日晨在萨拉托夫因肺结核病故。 祖母和尼娜·伊凡诺夫娜当即去教堂安排做安魂弥撒。娜佳在各个房间里走了很久，想了许多。她清楚地意识到，她的生活，正如萨沙期望的那样，已经彻底改变；她在这里感到孤单、生疏、多余；这里的一切她都觉得没有意思，她同过去已经决裂，它消失了，像是焚毁了，连灰烬也随凤飘散了，她来到萨沙的房间，站了很久。 “永别了，亲爱的萨沙！”她默念道。于是在她的想象中，一种崭新、广阔、自由的生活展现在她的面前，这种生活，尽管还不甚明朗，充满了神秘，却吸引着她，呼唤她的参与。 她回到楼上房间开始收拾行装，第二天一早就告别了亲人，生气勃勃地、高高兴兴地走了，——正如她打算的那样，永远离开了这座城市。 一九０三年十二月