Chapter 12 "Wife" 4

Four After breakfast, I rubbed my hands and thought: I have to go to my wife and tell her I'm leaving.But why bother to notify?Who should know such a thing?Then, I answered myself, no one wants to know about such things; but why not tell her, and besides, the news will give her nothing but pleasure?Besides, I had a quarrel yesterday, and it would be inappropriate to leave now without saying a word. She might think that I was afraid of her, or maybe she thought it was her who pushed me out of my home, and she would Very uncomfortable.I might as well inform her that I would contribute five thousand, and give her some advice on the organization of the work, forewarning her that, from her inexperience, undertaking such a complex and responsible undertaking might lead to most dire consequences.In a word, I wanted to find my wife with all my heart.I thought up all kinds of excuses to go to her, and by this time I had made up my mind that I must go and see her.

It was still daylight and no lights were lit when I went to find her.She sat in her studio, which was a hall between the living room and the bedroom.She was sitting at the table with her head down, writing something very quickly.As soon as she saw me, she trembled, came over from the table, and stopped, as if she wanted to prevent me from touching her paper, as could be seen from her posture. "I'm sorry I've only kept you a while," I said, embarrassed for some reason. "I heard by chance that you, Natalie, are doing something to help the hungry." "Yes, I'm doing it. But it's my business," she replied.

"Yes, this is your business," I said softly. "I am happy about this, because it is exactly what I want. I ask your permission to take part in this work." "Sorry, I can't promise you to attend," she replied, looking away. "Why is that, Natalie?" I asked softly. "Why? I also dress warmly, eat well, and want to help the hungry." "I don't know what you have to do with it," she said, smiling grimly and shrugging one shoulder. "No one asked you to do this job." "Nobody came to invite you, but you have a real committee in my house!" I said.

"I have been asked, but you can take my word for it: no one will ask you at any time. Please go and help people where they don't know you." "For God's sake, don't talk to me like that." I tried to be gentle, and with all the energies of my soul I asked myself not to lose my cool.For the first few minutes, I enjoyed being around my wife.There came over me an air of softness, domesticity, youth, womanliness, and extreme elegance which was sorely lacking in me upstairs and in my life in general.My wife was wearing a large pink flannel dress, which made her look youthful and softened her jerky and sometimes abrupt movements.Her beautiful black hair, I used to feel enthusiastic when I saw it, but now because she sat there with her head bowed and writing for a long time, it has been loose and messy, but I feel more fluffy and beautiful in this way up.But then again, all this is commonplace, even to the point of vulgarity.Before me stood an ordinary woman, neither beautiful nor elegant, perhaps, but she was my wife, with whom I had lived before, and who, if it had not been for her unfortunate character, might be with me to this day. She lives together.She's the only person I love in the whole world.Now, before I leave, knowing that I will never see her again, even through the window, I still find her charming, even when she answers my words with a proud and contemptuous smile, stern and indifferent.I'm proud of her, and I admit it to myself: it's terrible, and impossible, to leave her.

"Pavel Andreitch," she said, after a brief silence, "we have lived peacefully for two years without caring about anyone else. Why do you suddenly want to go back to the old days? Yesterday You've come to insult me ​​and make me miserable," she went on, raising her voice, blushing, her eyes gleaming with hatred, "but you must refrain from doing it, Pawell Ender. Reich! Tomorrow I'll file a petition and they'll issue me an ID, and I'll go, go, go! I'm going to a monastery, a widow's home, a nursing home...  " "Into the madhouse!" I couldn't help shouting.

"Even in a madhouse! That's better! That's better!" she went on, her eyes sparkling. "Today I went to the village of Petrovo, and I envied those hungry and sick women, because they did not live with people like you. They were honest and free, and I owe you more Love, a parasite, sinks in idleness. I eat your bread, spend your money, and repay you with my freedom and my fidelity, which no one needs. Since you do not give me ID card, I have to protect your good reputation, in fact, you don't have a good reputation." I should be silent.I gritted my teeth and walked quickly to the living room, but immediately came back and said: "I sincerely ask you, don't gather such a group of people in my house in the future, colluding with each other, and engaging in secret activities! I Only people I know are allowed in my house, and as for those bastards around you, if they want to do charity, let them find another place. I don't allow outsiders in my house every night because I can use people like you The mentally ill yelled with joy!"

My wife's face was pale, she wrung her hands, moaning as if she had a toothache, and walked quickly from corner to corner.I waved my hand and walked into the living room.I was suffocated with rage, and at the same time I was trembling, lest I should do something or say something that would cause me to hate him forever.I clenched my hand tightly, trying to restrain myself. I drank some water, calmed down a little, and went back to my wife.She stood in the same position as before, as if she wanted to stop me from touching the paper that was spread on the table.Tears trickled down her stern, pale face.

I was silent for a while, no longer angry, and said to her bitterly: "How ignorant you are! How unfair you are to me! I swear on my character: I did it with pure motives and with all my heart. Wishes for good things come to you!" "Pavel Andreitch," she said, laying her hands on her breast, with a distressed, imploring look on her face, like that of a terrified, crying child asking for impunity. "You will reject me, I know that, but I still want to ask you. Please force yourself to do good deeds just once in your life. I ask you to leave this place! This is what you can do for the starving people The only thing. If you go away, I will forgive you everything, everything!"

"You shouldn't insult me, Natalie," I said, sighing, feeling a sudden surge of special warmth in my heart. "I have already decided to leave, but I can't leave until I do something for the hungry. This is my responsibility." "Oh!" she whispered, frowning impatiently. "You can make a fine railroad or a fine bridge, but you can't do anything for starving people. You see that!" "Really? Yesterday you accused me of indifference, of lack of compassion. You really know me!" I sneered. "You believe in God, so God be my witness, I am restless all the time..." "I can see that you are restless, but it has nothing to do with famine or pity.

You are restless because the starving can live without you, because the Zemstvo and all those who provide disaster relief do not need your guidance. " I was silent for a moment to suppress my anger, and then I said, "I've come to discuss business with you. Please sit down. I beg you to sit down." She didn't sit down. "Sit down, I beg you!" I repeated, pointing to her a chair. She sat down.I also sat down, thought for a while, and said: "Please take what I say seriously. Listen. . . . Out of love for people, you took up the task of organizing the relief of the hungry. Of course, I have nothing against it, and I sympathize with you. Regardless of our relationship, I am ready to cooperate with you everywhere. However, although I respect your head and heart, ... heart," I repeated, "I cannot allow the organization of disaster relief to be so difficult and complicated. Responsibility matters are entirely entrusted to you alone.

You are a woman, you are inexperienced, you don't understand life, you trust others too much, and you are emotional.You surround yourself with assistants you know nothing about.It is not an exaggeration to say that, in this case, your activities will inevitably have two deplorable consequences.Number one, people in our county will still not get relief at all. Second, you will pay for your mistakes and those of your assistants not only with your own purse but with your reputation.Even if I compensate for the misuse and shortfall of the fund, who will repay you the good name?In the future, due to unsound supervision and negligence, some people spread rumors, saying that you, and therefore me, have paid 200,000 yuan for this job. Will your assistants come to help you? " She doesn't speak. "I am not out of vanity, as you say," I went on, "but out of pure interest, lest the hungry be denied relief, and your good name be discredited, that I think I have a moral right." responsibility for interfering with your work." "Please put it simply," my wife said. "Please take the trouble," I went on, "to show me how much money you have received and how much you have paid out so far. From then on, you will tell me every day every new receipt or kind, every new expenditure. .You, Natalie, copy me another list of your assistants. They may be quite decent men, I do not doubt, but still need to be investigated." She doesn't speak.I got up and walked around the room. "Let's get to work then," I said, taking a seat at her table. "Are you serious about what you say?" she asked, looking at me with confusion and horror. "Natalie, please think carefully!" I saw from her face that she was going to protest, so I said in a pleading voice. "I beg you, please have full confidence in my experience and integrity!" "I still don't know what you want!" "Please show me how much you have collected and how much you have spent." "I have no secrets. Anyone can see it. You see it yourself." On the table were about five student exercise books, several sheets of letter paper filled with words, a map of the county, and many scraps of paper of various sizes.It was getting dark.I light a candle. "I'm sorry, I can't understand anything at the moment," I said, flipping through the exercise book. "Where is the donation statistics form you received?" "It can be seen in the pledge form." "That's right, but you know, statistics tables are necessary too!" I said, smiling at her innocence. "Where do you put your letters when you receive donations and goods in kind? Pardon, I have a small practical instruction, Natalie: These letters must be preserved. You must keep every letter Numbered and entered on a separate statement. Letters you send yourself must do the same. But I have done all this myself." "You do it, you do it..." she said. I am very satisfied with myself.I like this kind of lively and interesting work, this little table, these simple exercise books, and the joy of doing this kind of work with my wife; but I am afraid that my wife will stop me suddenly, and I am afraid that she will suddenly change her mind. And disrupt everything, so I was busy packing those things, trying to control myself, ignoring the trembling of her lips, and she looked around in panic like a small wild animal caught. "Listen, Natalie," I said, not looking at her. "Permit me to take these papers and exercise books upstairs to my room. I will examine them there, find out, and give you my opinion tomorrow. Do you have any other papers?" I asked. Gathering those papers and exercise books together, asked. "Take it, take it all!" my wife said, helping me fold the papers, big tears streaming down her face. "Take it all! This is all that life has left for me. . . . Take this, too." "Oh, Natalie, Natalie!" I sighed reproachfully. She was a little fussy, her elbows touching my chest, her hair brushing my face.She hurriedly opened the desk drawer, took out some papers, and threw them on the table towards me.At this moment some change fell on my lap and fell to the ground. "Take it all..." she said hoarsely. She finished throwing the paper, walked away from me, put her head in her hands, and collapsed on the recliner.I picked up the change, put it back in the drawer, and closed the drawer, so as not to tempt the servant to sin.Then I took all the papers in my arms and walked back to my room.I walked past my wife, stopped, looked at her back and trembling shoulders, and said, "You're just a kid, Natalie! Hey! Listen to me, Natal ie: wait until you understand what a job this is." Seriously, what a responsibility, you will be the first to thank me. I swear to you." I went back to my room and took my time to organize the papers.The exercise books are not bound and the pages are not numbered.The register is in a different handwriting, and it is evident that this exercise book may be used by anyone who pleases.Under the item of donation in kind, the price of the product is not indicated.But, excuse me, the price of rye is indeed one ruble and fifteen kopecks at present, but in a couple of months it may rise to two rubles and fifteen kopecks.How can it be done like this?Next, "Pay Sobol thirty-two rubles", when was this paid?Why did you pay?Where are the supporting documents?Nothing, nothing to understand.In case of a lawsuit in the future, these papers will make the case unclear. "How childish she is!" I thought in amazement. "She's just a child!" I was both annoyed and amused. "Notes" ①French: Excuse me.