after play Nadya Zylenina, returning with her mother from the theater where "Evgeny Onegin" had just been performed, entered her room, quickly took off her dress, and undid her braids. , wearing only a skirt and a white jacket, hastily sat down at the table and tried to write a letter in the style of Tatyana. "I love you," she wrote, "but you don't love me, don't love me!" After writing these few sentences, she laughed. She had just turned sixteen and hadn't loved anyone yet.She knew that the officer Gorney and the student Gruzdeff loved her, but now after seeing the opera, she was going to doubt their love.How interesting it is to be unloved, to be in an unfortunate situation!There is something beautiful, touching, poetic about the fact that one person loves deeply and another is indifferent.Onegin is interesting because he doesn't love at all, and Tatiana is charming because she loves deeply; if they love each other equally and are both happy, it may seem boring.

"Stop assuring me that you love me," Nadya went on, thinking of Officer Gorney. "I can't trust you. You are bright, well-bred, serious, have great talents, and perhaps have a bright future; and I am an unattractive and insignificant girl, and you know very well that I am in your life." Yes, you are in love with me, you think you have found your ideal in me, but this is a mistake, you are now despondently asking yourself: Why did I meet this girl? It is only your kindness. Allow yourself to admit it! ..." Nadya began to feel sorry for herself, started to cry, and wrote: "I can't bear to leave my mother and brother, otherwise I would put on the clothes of a nun and go away. Then you will be free to love someone else. Oh, I wish I were dead!"

She couldn't see what she wrote through tears.On the table, on the floor, on the ceiling, some short rainbows trembled, as if Nadya was looking at them through a prism.She could not write any more, so she leaned back in her armchair and began to think about Gorney. My God, how interesting and attractive the men are!Nadya recalled how humble, ashamed, and gentle he often appeared when people had disputes with the officer about music, and at the same time he tried to restrain his temper so that his voice would not reveal a violent tone.Cold arrogance and indifference are always seen in social situations as signs of good breeding and good manners, and for this reason one has to conceal one's enthusiasm.He did try to cover it up, but without success, and it was well known that he was passionately fond of music.The endless debates about music, and the bold judgments of those who don't understand music, always made him nervous.He was frightened, timid, silent.He played the piano as wonderfully as a real pianist, and if he hadn't been an officer he would have been a famous musician.

Tears dried in her eyes.Nadya remembered that once, at a symphony concert, and then again downstairs by the coat rack, where the draft was blowing from all directions, Gornei had told her about his love. "I'm glad you finally met the student Gruzdev," she continued. "He's a very clever fellow, and you must like him. He came to our house yesterday, and sat there till two o'clock. We all liked him, and I secretly regret that you did not come to our house. He said Lots of great words." Nadya rested her arms on the table and rested her head on them, her hair covering the letter.She remembered that the student Gruzdev loved her too, and that he had as much right to her letters as Gorney.Really, wouldn't it be better to write to Gruzdev?There was a surge of joy in her chest for no reason.At first the joy was small, rolling like a rubber ball in the breast, then it became vast and gigantic, surging like the waves of the ocean.Nadya had forgotten about Gorny and Gruzdev, her thoughts were confused, but her joy was growing, pouring from her breast into her arms, into her legs, and she felt as if there was a burst of coolness. The gentle breeze blows over the top of her head, like blowing her hair.She laughed silently, so that her shoulders began to tremble, even the table and the glass lampshade trembled, and the tears from her eyes splashed the letter.She didn't have the strength to hold back her laughter, and in order to show herself that she wasn't laughing for no reason, she hastened to recall something ridiculous.

"What a ridiculous poodle!" she said, feeling choked with laughter. "What a ridiculous poodle!" She remembered that Gruzdeff was playing with Maxine the poodle yesterday after tea, and later he told a story about a very clever poodle who was chasing a crow in the yard, but the crow turned to look at him , said: "Hmph, you liar!" The poodle, not knowing that he was dealing with a learned crow, panicked, backed away in embarrassment, and barked. "No, it's better to love Gruzdev," Nadya decided, and she tore up the letter. She began to think about the college student, his love, and her own love, but after thinking about it, the thoughts in her mind spread in all directions, and she couldn't help thinking of everything, thinking of her mother, thinking of the street, thinking of pencils, thinking of the piano. . . . she thought with joy, and found that all was well and wonderful, and her joy told her that it was not over, and that there would be better things after a while.Soon spring came, and summer came, and she was going to Gorbiji with her mother.

Gorney would go there on vacation, walk with her in the garden, and court her.Jeff Gruz will be there too.He would play croquet and skittles with her, and tell her funny or astonishing stories.She yearns passionately for gardens, for darkness, for cloudless skies, for stars.She couldn't help laughing again, and her shoulders trembled again.The room smelled of absinthe, as if a branch were beating at her window. She went to her bed and sat down.The great joy made her very uncomfortable, and she didn't know what to do, so she looked at the statue hanging on the back of the bed and kept saying, "Lord! Lord! Lord!"

"Notes" ①②③It refers to the opera adapted from Pushkin's poetic novel "Eugene Onegin", in which Tatyana is the heroine and Onegin is the hero.