Chapter 34 Chapter 23 Love

Chapter 23 Mistress The word cherish has completely different meanings for men and women, which is one of the reasons for serious misunderstandings and even divisions between them.Byron said it well: "A man's love is something different from a man's life; a woman's love is her whole existence." Nietzsche expresses the same idea in The Joyful Science: The simple word love actually means two different things to men and women.A woman's understanding of love is very clear: it is not only dedication, but the dedication of the whole body and mind, without reservation and regardless of everything.This unconditionality of her love makes love a faith, the only faith she has.As for a man, if he loves a woman, what he wants is love from her; therefore, his emotional requirements for himself are far different from those for a woman; Desire, I can assure you, they are not men.

Men feel they can be passionate lovers at certain times of their lives, but none can be called "great lovers"; They still want to possess her; they are still sovereign subjects in the depths of their beings; the beloved woman is but a value among them; they wish to incorporate her into their existence, not wish to waste it entirely in on her.On the contrary, for a woman, love means giving up everything for the master.As Cecile Sauvage pointed out: "A woman in love must forget her personality. It is a law of nature. A woman cannot exist without a master. Without a master, she is a scattered bunch of flowers."

Actually, we don't want to discuss the laws of nature here.The different situations of men and women are reflected in their different concepts of love.Man is the subject, he is himself, and if he has the courage to lean towards transcendence, he will try to expand his grasp of the world: he is ambitious, he is action.But a secondary person cannot feel herself absolute in her subjective depths; a person who is doomed to the inner cannot achieve self-actualization through action.Closed in the sphere of relativity, destined from childhood to belong to the male, accustomed to think of him as a superman with whom she could not be equal, if woman had not repressed her claim to humanity, she would dream of These superhuman beings are directed toward beings that can confuse her with the sovereign subject, beings beyond her.For her, unless she loses herself, body and mind, to him, there is no other way out. He represents the absolute and the main thing in front of her.Since she is destined to be dependent anyway, she would rather serve a god than submit to a tyrant—parent, husband, or protector.Her desire to be enslaved is so strong that this enslavement appears to her as an expression of her freedom; she will try to rise above her situation, which, by her total acceptance, makes her a subordinate. object; she will, through her body, her emotions, her deeds, exalt him as the highest value and reality; she will reduce herself to nothingness before him.Love has become a religion for her.

As we have seen, the young girl hopes at first to identify herself with the male; then she abandons that hope, and finds among them a male whom she loves, and by which she shares their masculinity; Personality; she is in love with a normal man. "And you, men I am going to love, how I look forward to your coming!" Irene LeVilliot wrote. "How happy I am to think that I will know you all at once—especially you, the first one to come!" Of course, this male must belong to the same class and race as her, because sexual privileges are only available in this function within the framework.Maybe a man becomes a demigod, but he has to be a person first, and to the daughter of a colonial officer the native is not a person.If a girl commits herself to a "lower man," it is because she wants to belittle herself, because she thinks she is not worthy of love; but usually she is looking for a man who can symbolize male superiority.She would soon understand that many of those belonging to this certain privileged sex were quite pathetic, accidental and ordinary, but her initial supposition was in their favour; they were not called upon to prove their worth. , but was asked not to be too rude in disproving this value—a refutation that gave rise to many mistakes, some serious.An innocent teenage girl is captivated by flashes of masculinity, in her view, masculine value, depending on the circumstances, can be found in a strong body, a personable demeanor.Wealth, cultivation, intelligence, authority, social status, and a military uniform are shown; but she always requires her lover to be a man.

Familiarity is often enough to undermine his prestige; that prestige can plummet at the first kiss, in a day-to-day relationship, or on the wedding night.However, love at a distance is an illusion, not a real experience.The longing for love can become passionate love only when it is concretely realized.Conversely, love can also appear as a result of physical intercourse; In this case, a woman who is dominated during intercourse will deliberately heighten her view of a man whom she initially perceives as insignificant. But it is often the case that a woman may desecrate all the men she has ever known.Contrary to popular belief, love occupies a relatively small place in a woman's life.Husbands, children, entertainment, social responsibilities, vanity, sex and career are far more important.Most women dream of [happy fornication], of ecstasy in love.They know how to substitute, they have accepted this love; it comes to them in partial, sentimental, imperfect, false forms; but few really give their lives to it.Those [happy fornicators] are often women who have not wasted themselves bit by bit in childish love; they accept from the first the traditional female lot: husband, home, and children; cold loneliness, or they go to some cause that more or less fails.The moment they see an opportunity to save a disappointing life by devoting their life to some superior being, they give in desperately to this hope.Madame Essie, Juliette Drouet and Madame de Haguele all began their love lives almost in their 30s, and Juliette de Lespinas in his late 40s Time to start your love life.Among the goals open to them, any other goal is worthless, and love is their only way out.

Even if independence is chosen, the path of love remains most attractive to most women: it distresses a woman to take responsibility for her own life.Even in boyhood a man is quite ready to turn to an older woman for guidance, education, and motherly care; but customary attitudes, the education of boys, and his own inner commands, do not permit him to give in to this in the end. An easy way to satisfy himself; falling in love with an older woman is just a stage for him to go through.The great fortune of man is that he, both in manhood and in childhood, has to follow a very hard path, but it is the surest one; the misfortune of woman is that she is surrounded by almost irresistible temptations;

Everything tempted her to take the easy way; instead of being told to rise up and make her own way, she was told that if she just slipped down, she would reach blissful heaven.It was too late when she realized she had been fooled by the mirage; her powers had been spent in failed adventures. Psychoanalysts have always asserted that women seek a father figure in their lover; but he dazzles girls because he is a man, not because he is a father, and every man possesses this fascination. .A woman longs not to reproduce a person in another, but to recreate a situation she experienced as a child, under the protection of adults.She was deeply one with her home and family, and she experienced an almost passive peace.Love will return to her her father and mother, her own childhood.She wanted to restore the roof over her head, the walls around her that would keep her from feeling abandoned in a deserted world, and she wanted to restore the authority of freedom that made her guard against her.This childish drama is common in the love of many; they are blissfully called "my little girl, my darling child"; men know the words: "You're like a little girl" are those words, yes Words that touch a woman's heart the most.We have seen many women suffer as they become adults, so many obstinately pretend to be "baby-like," prolonging their childhood indefinitely in manner and dress.It gave them great joy to be like children again in a man's arms. "My love, how small I feel in your arms" is a cliché that pops up over and over in sex conversations and love letters.Lovers croon "my baby," women call themselves "your little one," and so on.The young woman will write: "When will he who can dominate me come?"

When he is present, she will be more than willing to feel his manly superiority.One of the neurotics Janet surveyed described this attitude very clearly: The stupid things I do and the good things I do have the same motivation: the longing for a perfect and ideal love that will enable me to give myself completely, to entrust myself to another, to God, to Man or woman, as long as they are better than me, so that I don't have to think about what to do in life or how to protect myself... Blindly and confidently obey someone... He will be my support, tender and Lovingly lead me to perfection.How I envied Mary Magdalene's ideal love for Jesus: to be a follower of a venerated and noble master; , protected in his arms, I was so small, so enamored of his loving care, so utterly his that I no longer existed.

Many examples show us that this dream of destroying one's own body and soul is actually a will to live. In all religions the worship of God is bound up with the believer's relation to personal salvation; and when a woman gives herself entirely to her idol, she expects him to let her possess both herself and that which he represents. world.In most cases, she will first ask the lover to confirm her self-worth, to praise her ego.Many women are not addicted to love unless they are loved in return; showing them love is sometimes enough to arouse their love.The girl dreams of being seen through the eyes of a man, and it is through the eyes of a man that a woman thinks she has finally found herself.Cécile Sauvage wrote:

Walking by your side, stepping forward with my little feet that I love for you, feeling how small they are in high felt riding boots, makes me love everything about you and me.The slightest change in my hands in my muff, in my arms, in my face, in my tone of voice, filled me with happiness. The woman in love has a sense of being endowed with a sublime, undeniable worth; she has at last the possibility of adoring herself through the love she inspires.She found a witness in her lover, and it made her extremely happy.Colette's "The Wandering Girl" describes it like this: I allow this man to come back tomorrow, when I admit that I have given in to my desires.My desire is not to treat him as a lover, nor as a friend, but as a passionate spectator of my life and myself... Ugor said to me one day, if a person gives up living under the gaze of others This kind of vanity must be out of date.

In one of her letters to Middleton Murray, Katherine Mansfield said she had just bought a striking fuchsia corset, before adding immediately: "No one can see What a pity it is!" Nothing could be more wretched than flowers, perfumes, and possessions, which arouse no desire: what is possessions if they do not make me rich?What is a gift if no one needs it?Love is an imaging agent, and the image can be clearly shown through the contrast between light and dark.A woman's face, the curves of her body, the memories of her childhood, her past tears, her habitual ways, her world, everything about her, everything that belongs to her, escaped chance through love and became the main of: she became a mystical tribute placed under her altar. This transformative power of love explains why respectable men who know how to please women's vanity will evoke passionate attachment even if their bodies are completely devoid of torque.By virtue of their exalted status, they are the embodiment of law and truth: their perception reveals an indisputable reality.A woman admired by them feels that she has become a priceless asset.D’Annunzio’s success lies in this, as Isadora Duncan explains in the preface to My Life: When D'Annunzio loves a woman, he lifts her spirit from this world to the heaven where Beatrice moves and shines.He transformed each woman in turn into a part of the divine essence, he held her aloft until she really believed she was with Beatrice... and to each in turn he cast the glittering veil A beloved woman.She ascended above the heads of the mortals, and walked in strange radiance.But when the poet's whims are over, the veil disappears, the radiance dims, and the woman returns to the plain earth...   I feel that letting myself be praised as possessing D'Annunzio's unique magical powers is like experiencing Eve hearing the snake's voice in Paradise.D'Annunzio could make any woman feel she was the center of the world. It is only in love that a woman can well reconcile her erotic love with her narcissism; we have seen that these emotions are so opposed that it is very difficult for a woman to adapt to her sexual destiny.To make herself a sensual object, the prey of another, contradicted her self-worship: the embrace, in her view, had ruined and defiled her body, or degraded her soul. .Because of this, some women retreat into frigidity, thinking that by doing so they can preserve the integrity of their selves.There are also women who separate animal pleasure from sublime emotion.In one instance of Stekel's, a patient who showed indifference to her respected and famous husband, later, after his death, treated a man of equally superior status, a great musician, Also showed frigidity, although she sincerely loves him.But she found utter carnal satisfaction in an almost accidental encounter with a vulgar and savage ranger, and when she thought of this lover, "unspeakable disgust was followed by insane revel".“For women, falling into animality is a necessary condition for orgasm,” says Stekel. Such women see carnal love as a degrading incomparable to respect and love. But on the contrary, for other women, only the respect, love and adoration from men can eliminate their sense of humiliation.They will not submit to a man unless they believe they are deeply loved.If a woman sees a physical relationship as an exchange in which each party gets equal pleasure, she certainly has reason to be cynical, indifferent, or self-respecting.Men, just as much as women, maybe even more, resent anyone trying to use him during sex; but it's usually the woman who feels her partner is using her as a tool.Nothing but deep admiration could compensate her for the humiliation of what she believed to be a failed course of action. We have seen that the act of love requires deep self-indulgence in woman; Darkness engulfs; it is the darkness of the flesh, the darkness of the womb, the darkness of the tomb.In being annihilated, she becomes one with the whole, and her ego is annulled.But when the man moved away from her, she found herself back in the world, back in the bed, and back in the light; She has a name and a face again: she is a vanquished, a prey, an object. This is the moment when love becomes a need.Just as a child after weaning seeks the reassuring gaze of his parents, so a woman must feel, through the loving gaze of a man, that she is, after all, one with the whole from which her body has just painfully left.She is rarely fully satisfied, even when she has an orgasm; she is not fully vented by that fit of her body; her desire lives on in the form of love.When a man gives her pleasure, he deepens her attachment, but does not liberate her.As for him, he no longer desired her; but she would not forgive this brief indifference unless he had given her an infinite, absolute affection.If so, the immanence of the moment is transcended, and the exciting past becomes not a regret but a joy to be cherished; Proof; then a woman can honorably accept her sex life, because she is beyond it; excitement, pleasure, and desire are no longer a concern but a boon; her body is no longer an object: But a hymn, a flame. Then she can succumb passionately to the magic of erotic love; darkness can become light; the woman in love can open her eyes and look up to the man who loves her and whose gaze glorifies her.Through him nothingness becomes fullness, and existence into value; she no longer sinks in the dark sea, but soars upward with her wings, ascending to the sky.Thus, indulgence becomes divine ecstasy.When a woman regains her beloved, she is possessed and visited, as the Virgin Mary is possessed and visited by God, as the believer is possessed and visited by his Lord.This is why pious hymns and erotic odes have a vague resemblance; not because mystical love is always sexual, but because woman's sexuality is a little mysterious in love. "My God, whom I worship, my Lord"—the same words uttered from the lips of the prostrating saint and the woman in love on the bed; Two hands ready to receive the stigmata of the cross, begging for the fiery presence of divine love; another also offering and expecting: thunderbolts, javelins and arrows, embodied in the male genitals.Both women share the same dream, the dream of childhood, the dream of mystery, the dream of love: to reach the highest level of existence through obsession with another human being. It is sometimes maintained that the desire to annihilate soul and body leads to masochism.But as I pointed out in my discussion of eroticism, it is only when I "try to become captivated by my own object status through the agency of another," that is, when the subject consciousness turns back on the ego, seeing It is only when the ego is in a humiliating position that one can be called a masochist.The woman in love is not merely a narcissist identified with the ego, but, by interfering with another person who has access to the infinite reality, she also has a strong desire to go beyond the finite scope of the ego and make herself infinite.She indulges in love first and foremost to save herself; but the paradox of this idolatrous love is that, in trying to save herself, she ends up denying herself altogether.Her affections have reached a degree of mystery (amysticsldimesion); she no longer needs the praise and approval of her God; she wishes to merge with him, to forget herself in his arms.Madame de Agoulle wrote: "I wish to be a saint of love. I long to be martyred in this moment of ascension and ascetic madness." These words reveal a desire to completely destroy the ego and dissolve the line that separates her from her lover.There is no doubt a masochistic mentality here, but there is also no doubt a dream of extreme joy. In order to realize this dream, woman first needs to serve; for she feels herself indispensable in meeting the demands of her lover; she will become one with his existence, she will share his worth, her existence is just Sex will be confirmed. According to Angelus Silesius of Silesius, even the mystics were willing to believe that the gods needed man, otherwise their devotion would be useless.The more a man demands, the more fulfilled a woman is.Although Victor Hugo's pressure on Juliette Drouet to retire was a heavy burden on the young woman, one felt that she was happy in obeying him, because staying at home could Do things that make her owner happy.She also tries to be useful to him with a positive attitude.She cooks delicious meals for him, arranges a cozy nest for him; she arranges his clothes.She wrote to him: "I want you to tear your clothes a lot, and I will wash them all with my own hands and mend them." She read newspapers for him, edited articles, sorted letters and notes, and copied manuscripts.She was saddened when the poet entrusted part of the work to his daughter Leopoldina. These characteristics can be found in every woman in love.If need be, she will exercise tyranny over herself in the name of her lover; all the roles she plays, all she owns, every minute of her life must be dedicated to him, so that they may have their own raisondetre [reason for being]. ]; she wished she had nothing but him; to her misfortune, he wanted nothing from her, so sensitive lovers would invent demands.She originally wanted to further validate her role through love, further validate her past, further validate her personality, but here she also includes her future, and in order to justify her future, she gave the future to A man of all value to master.In this way she gives up her transcendence, makes it attached to the transcendence of the man who is the master, and makes herself his vassal and slave.To discover herself and save herself she must first lose herself in him; and indeed she does lose herself in him little by little; for her the whole reality is in that man.Love, which at first seems to deify narcissism, ends up being fulfilled in the painful joys of a devotion that often leads to self-destruction. In the first days of [the great love affair], the woman becomes more beautiful and graceful than before.Madame de Agoulle wrote: "When Adler combs my hair, I look at my forehead because you love it." This face, this body, this room, this me—she finds them all (raison d'être), and she uses this Loving her and acting as an intermediary for the man she loved, she valued these very much. But later on, on the contrary, she gave up coquettishness altogether; if her lover wished, she would have changed the original attitude that was more important than love itself. Precious image; she made what she played, what she had, into her master's fief; he cared nothing, she was abandoned. She wanted to give every heartbeat, every drop of blood, and the marrow of her bones give him; And it is precisely this that is expressed in the dream of martyrdom: she wants to extend her self-giving to such a degree that she wants to suffer, to die, to be the ground under her lover's feet, to play no role other than to fulfill his demands. Don't play.She frantically destroyed everything that was useless to him.If what she made of herself is now wholeheartedly accepted, there will be no masochism of any kind; in Juliette Drouet, for example, there are few signs of this.With such admiration she sometimes knelt before the portrait of the poet and begged forgiveness for any wrongs she might have committed; she did not turn to be angry with herself. However, it is quite easy to descend from generous and tender affection to masochism all at once.A woman in love is in the position of a child to her parents in front of her lover, and she is also prone to feel guilty towards them; as long as she loves him, she will not rebel against him, but she will rebel against herself.If she fails to attract him, to make him happy, to satisfy him, all her narcissism turns into self-loathing, into humiliation, into self-hatred, which drives her to self-punishment.During more or less protracted crises, sometimes for a lifetime, she would be a willing victim, desperately trying to hurt her self that did not fully satisfy him.Her attitude at this time is a veritable masochism. But we should not confuse the situation in which the woman in love wants to suffer herself in order to avenge herself with the situation in which her object is to affirm her man's freedom and power.It is often said that a whore takes pride in being beaten by her man, as if it were true; but it is not her desire to be beaten and a slave that makes her proud, but rather the power and authority of the male to whom she clings, She has supreme power; she is also very willing to see him abuse other men.Indeed, she often lures him into fighting because she wants her master to possess and demonstrate the perceived worthiness of which she is a member. If woman takes pleasure in submitting to male caprice, she also envies the apparent actions of a sovereign free being who exercises tyranny over her.It must be noted that if the lover's prestige is somehow undermined, his beatings and demands are suddenly a pity; these are only valuable in proving the sanctity of the beloved.But if they prove it, then the feeling of being the prey of another who moves freely becomes an intoxicating joy. Survivors find it an astonishing adventure to justify one's own existence through the changing despotic will of another; one grows weary of living forever under the same conditions, and blind obedience The only known chance for radical change.Thus women are transformed into slaves, queens, flowers, does, stained-glass windows, sluts, servants, courtesans, muses, according to the erratic dreams and imperious orders of their lovers.Partner, mother, sister and child.As long as she does not realize that she has remained invariably subjugated, she participates ecstatically in these transformations.Sadism is clearly the heresy of the dissatisfied woman, both on the level of love and on the level of her own sexuality, disappointed in others as well as in herself; but it is not a natural tendency of a cheerful resignation attitude. .The masochistic mentality keeps the self buried and humiliated forever; the self-forgetfulness caused by love is welcomed by the subject as the main person. Worldly love, like mystical love, has as its highest goal identification with the beloved.The measure of value and the truth of the world are in his consciousness; therefore it is not enough to serve him.The woman in love still tries to observe with his eyes, to read the books he reads, to like the pictures and music he likes; she is only interested in the scenes she sees with him, and only in his thoughts; His friendships, his enemies, his opinions; when she asked herself, it was his answer she wanted to hear; She wished she had in her lungs the air he breathed; fruit and flower that did not come from his hands were tasteless.Her spatial position is even reversed: the center of the world is no longer her position, but the position of her lover; all roads lead to his home, and start with his home.She uses his vocabulary, mimics his gestures.With his quirks and tics."I am Heathcliff" says Catherine in "I am Heathcliff"; this is the cry of every woman in love; she is another incarnation of her lover, his reflection, his double: she is him.She let her own world collapse unexpectedly because she was actually living in his. The greatest happiness of a woman is to be recognized by her lover as a part of himself; when he says "we", she is connected with him and identified with him, she shares his prestige with him, and together rules the rest of the world ; she never tires of repeating (even excessively) this delightful "we."When a woman in love is indispensable to a man whom she absolutely needs, to a man who holds his head high in the world, pursues the necessary ends, and returns the world to her in the necessary form, she And by her resignation had acquired that splendid property—absolutely.It was this certainty that brought her sublime joy; she felt herself elevated to the right hand of God.It didn't matter much to her if she had only a secondary place, as long as she always had her place in the most amazingly orderly world.As long as she loves and is loved and is needed by her lover, she feels her existence justified: she knows peace and happiness.This may have been the fate of Madame d'Essie with Chevalier Didy, before his soul was condemned, or Juliette Drouet, under the powerful protection of Victor Hugo. But such heady bliss rarely lasts.It is impossible for any man to truly be God.According to her wishful thinking, this relationship is maintained by the mystery of the absence of God; but the man who is revered as a god, though not a god, exists.From this fact leads to all kinds of troubles of women in love.Her extraordinary fate is summed up by the famous quote of Juliette de Lespinas: "My friend, I will always love you and wait for you in pain." Of course, the pain of men is also related to love related, but their pain was either brief or less severe.Benjamin Constant wished to die for Madame Récamier, but he returned to normal after a year.Stendhal had missed Mertilde for several years, but the miss had beautified rather than ruined his life.And woman, by assuming a secondary role and accepting total attachment, creates a hell for herself.Every woman in love will regard herself as the little mermaid in Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tales. Through love, she exchanged her tail for a female thigh, and then found herself walking on the tip of a needle and burning coals.The man who is loved is not necessarily absolutely necessary, above chance and circumstance, and woman is not necessarily not necessary to him; he is not necessarily in a position to justify the existence of woman, even if he adores her; and he And don't allow yourself to be possessed by her. True love is to accept the other's contingency, that is to say, his faults, his limitations, his gratuitous behavior.It doesn't pretend to be a way of salvation, it's a relationship.The idolatrous love which regards the beloved as having an absolute value is, in the eyes of all spectators, obviously untrue from the start. "He doesn't deserve that love at all," whispered those around the woman in love, and the younger generation laughed at the thought of some hero as sickly as Count Gilbert.Women are terribly disappointed when they discover the faults and mediocrity of their idols.Novelists, such as Colette, often describe this kind of grief.This disillusionment is crueler than the child's disillusionment when he sees his father's prestige destroyed, because the woman has chosen that man herself, to whom she has given her whole being. Even if the man who chooses is worthy of the deepest love, since he is a bit vulgar and worldly for what he really is, the man will no longer be fully loved as a kneeling man before the Most High; she will feel fooled by that seriousness , an attitude that refuses to regard values ​​as incidental—that is, to refuse to consider them to have their origin in human existence.Her month of insincerity puts a barrier between her and the man she adores.She adores him, she adores him, but she is no friend to him, because she fails to recognize that he is at risk in the world, that his design is as fragile as his purpose as he is;成信念和真理，所以她曲解了他的自由一一他的犹豫和精神痛苦。这种拒绝以人的尺度去衡量情人，就是女性许多荒谬的原因。女人要求得到情人的偏爱。agree?那他就是慷慨的、富有的、伟大的；他就如同国王，就是神。拒绝吗？那他就是贪婪的、卑鄙的、残忍的；他就是如同魔鬼和牲畜一般的人。也许人们很想提出反对的理由：如果“是”竟是个如此令人惊愕的、异常过分的回答，人们还应当对“不”感到吃惊吗？如果“不”暴露了如此卑鄙的自私自利，为什么还要对“是”感到那么奇怪呢？难道在超人和非人之间就没有人的位置吗？ 破落了的神不是人而是赝品；情人除了证实他确实是那个在接受献媚的国王——或承认自己是个篡位者，别无其他选择。如果不再受到崇拜，他肯定会遭到践踏。由于她已经在她恋人的额头上绕上了荣耀的光环，恋爱女人不许他有任何软弱；如果他没有实现她置于他身上的形象，她会感到失望和苦恼。如果他疲倦或漫不经心，如果他在不适当的时间饿了或渴了，如果他做错事或自相矛盾，她就会认为他“不能控制自己”并加以抱怨。她以这种间接方式会走得如此之远，以至她会因为任何未经她批准的冒险而去指责他；她审判她的法官，她拒绝给他属于他的自由，因为本来他就应当是她的主人。她的崇拜在他不在时比他在时往往更能得到满足；如我们所看到的，有许多女人把自己奉献给已经死去的或不可能见到的英雄，这样她们便可以不必面对他们本人，因为有血有肉的人必然和她们的梦想相反。于是便有这样的梦想破灭的说法：“人们可不要相信迷人王子。男人只是个卑劣的小人”，诸如此类，等等。假如不曾要求他们成为巨人，似乎他们就不会成为矮子。 热情的女人所遭受的灾难之一，是她的慷慨会马上变成危机。由于认同于另一个人，她要求弥补她的损失；她必须占有那个捕获她的人。她把自己彻底地献给了他；但他必须完全配得上接受这种礼物。她把每一分钟都奉送给他，但他也必须时时刻刻都在身旁；她希望只为他活着——但是她也希望活着，所以他必须全力以赴地让她活着。德·阿古勒夫人向李斯特写道： 我爱你有时很蠢，那时要是我不能、不想、不该如你对我那样一心想着你，我便不能理解。 她试图抑制她想成为他的一切的自发愿望，这种哀求也表现在德·莱斯皮纳斯的这些话里： 哦，上帝！要是你能知道我过的日子、我的生活有多么空虚，我是如何地被剥夺了见到你的兴趣和快乐，该有多好啊！亲爱的朋友，对于你来说，只要有娱乐、职业和行动，这就足够了；而对于我，我的幸福就是你，并且只有你；假如我不能在这辈子天天见你爱你，我活不活也就无所谓了。 最初恋爱女人以完全满足情人的欲望为乐；后来，就如纵火者基于职业爱好处处放火那样——她致力于唤起这种欲望，这样她便可以经历满足的过程。如果在这方面没有成功，她就会有一种极大的羞辱感和无用感，以至她的情人会装出其实他并没有的热情。她在让自己变成奴隶的同时，也找到了束缚他的最可靠方法。在这里我们碰到了爱的另一种不真诚，对此许多男人——例如劳伦斯和蒙特朗，曾怨恨地暴露过：它以赠送的形式出现，而实际上它却是一种专制。本杰明·贡斯当在《阿道夫》一书中，辛酸地描绘了女人过分慷慨的热情给男人所带来的锁链。“她对她做的牺牲考虑得不周全，因为她没有考虑到让我接受它们”他在谈到埃丽奥诺时残忍地说。 实际上接受是约束情人的一种义务，它甚至不会给他带来仿佛是给予者的那种好处；女人要他愉快地接受她用以制服他的负担。她的专制是贪得无厌的。恋爱男人也是专制的，但当得到了他想要的东西时，他便满足了；而女人急于作出的奉献却没有限度。情人若是信任他的情妇，便不会感到任何不快，即使她心不在焉，在离他很远的地方忙碌；他确信她是属于他的，他宁肯占有一个自由人，也不愿意占有一个物。相反，对女人来说，她在情人不在时总是受折磨；他是眼睛和法官，只要他一看什么东西而不是在看她，她就会感到受挫；无论他在看什么，他都剥夺了她；而他如果从她身边走开，她又会觉得失去了自己和世界；即使他坐在她身旁读书写作或无论做什么，她也会觉得自己遭到了遗弃和背叛。她讨厌他睡觉。 但是波德莱尔却对睡着的女人独怀情钟：“你美丽的眼睛疲倦了，我可怜的爱人”；普鲁斯特也心醉神迷地看着睡着的阿尔贝蒂娜。关键在于男性的嫉妒仅仅表明了排他性占有的意志； 睡觉时被爱的女人恢复了童年那种无敌意的坦率，她不属于任何人。只要有这种确信就足够了。但是这个神。这个主人，不应当向恬静的内在性投降；女人以敌视的眼光看待这被毁掉的超越；她憎恶这动物似的惰性身体，因为这身体不再为她存在，而是存在于自身当中，沉溺于一种偶然性之中，而她的偶然性又是这种偶然的代价。维奥莱特·勒杜克在《我恨睡觉的人》中强烈表达了这种感情： 我恨睡着的人。我怀着恶意俯视着他们。他们的屈从令我愤怒。各派这无意识的沉静，这盲目热情的脸……我那位睡着的入／又难醒来，他完全解除了一切……我恨他有力量通过失去意识去创造一种我无法分享的沉静……我们迅速飞离地面，我们共同腾空而起，翱翔、等待、到达、呻吟和消失。我们一本正经地去偷懒。我们发现了新的虚无……现在你却睡着了……你睡着时我恨你。 神可不能睡着，免得变成泥土、肉体；而不能不一直出现，免得他的造物沉入虚无。对女人来说，男人睡觉是自私，是背叛。情人有时弄醒他的情妇：这是为了拥抱她；而她弄醒他只是为了不让他睡觉，为了让他呆在那里，呆在屋里，呆在床上，呆在她的怀抱里——就和上帝呆在圣所里一样。这就是女人想要的：她是个看守。 不过她并不想让他只成为她的囚犯。这是爱情的痛苦矛盾之一：若是做了囚犯，这个神的神性就会被剥夺。女人通过把她的超越性转给他，来保持这种超越性；但是他必须用它影响整个世界。如果两个情人都陷入了绝对热情，他们的全部自由就会被贬为内在性；于是死亡是唯一的解决方式。这是神话《特里斯丹和绮瑟》的含义之一。两个注定只为对方活着的情人都已死去：他们死于无聊，死于寄托于本身的爱情的慢性挣扎。 女人意识到这种危险。她本人除了在疯狂嫉妒的危机时刻，都会要求男人成为全部设计、全部行动的体现，因为如果他和功绩无缘，他就不再是英雄。骑士为新的冒险离家出走，当然会冒犯他的情妇，不过若留在她的身边，则只会引起她的蔑视。这是难以对付的爱情痛苦； 女人希望彻底地占有男人，但是她又要他超越他可能拥有的任何礼物：一个自由人不可能被拥有。如海德格尔指出的，她想把一个身为“遥远造物”的生存者囚禁在这里，但是她也十分清楚，这种想法注定要失败。“我亲爱的朋友，我爱你就如同人们应当去爱的那样，是那么过分、疯狂、狂喜、绝望，”朱利埃·德·莱斯皮纳斯写道。盲目崇拜的爱若是精明的，肯定会绝望。因为，恋爱女人若要求她的情人成为一个英雄、巨人、半神，她也就会要求自己在他面前不是整个世界，即使她除非彻底占有他否则不可能有幸福。尼采在《快乐的科学》中说： 女人的热情是对她自己一切权利的完全放弃，所以它恰恰会主张那个异性也有同样的感情，同样想放弃的欲望，因为，如果两个人各自都为爱作出了这种放弃，根据我无可奈何的看法，也许我们会问，在他们身上会产生虚无的恐惧吗？女人希望被占有……所以她要某人去占有她，这个人并不奉献自己，也并不放纵自己，而是相反，他希望通过爱，丰富他的自我……女人去奉献她自己，男人则通过占有她去充实他自己。 女人至少可以从她给爱人带来的丰富中得到她自己的快活；的确，她在他面前不是一切，但她将试图相信自己是不可缺少的；需要中没有任何程度问题。如果他“没有她就无法活下去”，她就会认为自己是他可贵的生存的基础，并由此引申出她自己的价值。她的快乐就是为他服务——但他必须愉快地承认这种服务；根据奉献的通常辩证关系，奉送变成了一种要求。 而思想严谨的女人必然会扪心自问：他真的需要我吗？男人在喜欢她、渴望她时，有一种个人的柔情与欲望；但是他对处于她的位置上的其他人不也同样会产生一种个人感情吗？许多恋爱女人允许自己受骗；她们想忽略了一般包括在特殊之中这一事实，而男人则由于他最初也产生过这一幻觉，而把它给加深了；他的欲望常常像一团火，仿佛在蔑视时间；在他想得到那个女人的那一刻，他非常想得到她，而且只想得到她。无疑那一刻是绝对——但这是暂时的绝对。不了解这一点，女人就会被愚弄，而且会永远被愚弄。由于被主人的拥抱奉为神圣，她认为自己一直是神圣的，注定是为神服务的——只有她才能这么做，别人都不能。然而男性的欲望不但专横而且存在时间很短；一旦得到发泄，很快就会消失，可是往往是到后来女人才会被爱情迷住。这是整个通俗文学作品和许多顺口溜的主题。“小伙子从她身边路过，姑娘就唱……小伙子在唱，姑娘就流泪。” 即便男人长久地依恋一个女人，也仍然不能表明她对他就是不可缺少的。然而她所要求的却正是这个，因为她的自我退让只有在恢复地的帝国的条件下才能够拯救她；相互性是不可能逃避掉的。所以她只能要么受苦，要么对自己说谎。她往往抓住了虚假的稻草。她认为男人的爱完全是她所给予他的爱的副本；她不诚实地把欲望当做爱情，又把动起当做欲望，把爱情当做宗教。 她强迫男人对她说谎：“你爱我吗？和昨天一样爱？你会永远爱我？”等等。她很聪明地在某一时刻提出问题，尤其是在环境不允许作出任何回答时；在性交拥抱过程中，在临近大病初愈时，在抽泣之间，在铁路站台上，她提出咄咄逼人的问题。她把强得来的回答当做战利品，她的沉默意味着她有所求；每个恋爱女人都或多或少是偏执狂。我记得有个朋友在谈到她远方的情人的长久沉默时说：“当一个人想断绝关系时，这个人应当写信宣布决裂”；后来她终于收到一封毫不含糊的来信：“当一个人真想断绝关系时，这个人就不写信。” 在考察这些自恃时，往往很难确定病态的精神错乱是从哪里开始的。根据疯狂的恋爱女人的描绘，男人的行为似乎一向是古怪的：他是个神经病患者、虐待狂、个性压抑者、被虐狂、魔鬼、不稳定型的人、懦夫，或者所有这些加在一起。他蔑视最严格的心理学解释。“X崇拜我，他嫉妒得发疯，他想让我戴着面罩上街；但是他是个特别怪的人，他对爱情非常提防，以至当我按他家的门铃时，他在门口见我，不让我进去。”或者还有：“Z以前非常崇拜我。但他太骄傲了，不让我去里昂和他住在一起。 我来到里昂，和他同住在家里。 8天后，没有发生任何争执，他就把我给赶了出来。我又见他两次。当我第三次想见他给他打电话时，他在我的话还没说完，就把电话挂上了。他是个神经病。 " 当男人作出解释时，这些神秘的故事就变得一目了然了：“我绝对没有和她相爱过”，或者，“我和她很要好，但我无法和她住上一个月”。如果不诚实变得太顽固，它就会把她送进精神病院，因为色情狂的恒定特征之一，就是认为情人的行为仿佛是神秘的、荒谬的；由于产生了这种怪念头，病人的狂爱总是可以突破现实的阻力。正常的女人有时会最终向真理屈服，承认她不再被爱这一事实。但是只要她没有失去全部希望并且自己也这样承认，她就会永远有那么点不老实。 甚至在彼此相爱的情况下，两个情人的感情也有根本的不同，这一点文人总是想隐瞒。 男人没有她，肯定也能够证明他自己生存的正当性，所以她才希望通过他来证明她自己生存的正当性。如果他对她是不可缺少的，那么就意味着她要逃避她的自由；但是如果他接受他的自由（没有这种自由，他就不会成为英雄，甚至也不会成为一个人），那么便没有什么人或物对他来说是不可缺少的。女人接受依附性是由于她软弱；所以，她怎么可以在她所爱的男人的力量中，发现相互的依附性呢？ 一个非常苛求的人，不可能在爱情中得到安宁，因为她所考虑的目的有着固有的矛盾。 她在经历了分手的折磨之后，还要冒着变成男人的负担而不是成为他的奴隶的风险，这一点她已经想到了；由于无法感到自己是不可缺少的，她变得纠缠不休，成了一个令人讨厌的人。 这确实是一个常见的悲剧。如果恋爱的女人比较聪明，不那么不肯让步，她就会变得听天由命。她不是一切。她不是不可缺少的：这足够用的了；另一个女人可以轻而易举地补上她的位置，因此她会对留在那个位置上感到满足，她会接受她的奴役地位而不要求同样的回报。 所以她能够享受到有节制的幸福；但即使在这样的范围，幸福也不会是明朗的。 恋爱女人比妻子更痛苦，她是等侍者。如果妻子本人只属于色情型，那么母性和主妇的责任，忙碌和快乐，对她就没有任何价值，因为只有丈夫的存在才能够把她从无聊的监牢中给解救出来。塞西尔·索瓦热在她刚结婚时写道：“你走了以后，我几乎不值得朝窗外看一眼； 我的一切都停顿了，我只不过是扔在椅子上的一件小衣服而且。 ”如我们所见，热烈的爱情往往是在婚外迅速成长并开花的。朱利埃特·德鲁埃的生平就是彻底的毕生奉献的最引人注目的例子之一：这是长期的等待。她向维克多·雨果写道：“我永远等着你。我就像笼子里的松鼠似的等待……我等你是因为我毕竟宁愿等着你，也不愿意相信你根本不会来到我的身边。 " 她就这样无限地等下去。她从富有的保护人杰米多夫王子那里逃出来以后，雨果一直把她关在一个小寓所里，12年不许她单独出去，以免她和昔日的朋友有任何瓜葛；这是千真万确的； 但是甚至在命运改善以后，她也仍然只为她的情人活着——尽管她很少见到他。这并没有影响她的爱，但使她心中充满辛酸，如她的信中所表明的。她梦想有一种能把自由和爱情协调起来的关系：“我想既做独立的人又做奴隶”；但是她和女演员一样失败了，只好听任爱情的摆布。在主人来访的间隔期间，她别的什么事也没有做，只是给他写了17000封信。平均每年有三四百封。后宫女人的最大恐怖是，她的日子要在无聊的荒漠中度过：如果男性不去使用属于他的客体，她就什么也不是了。［私通女人]的处境是相似的：她只想是这个被爱女人，其他的一切似乎都是不值得的。于是为了生存，她必须让她的情人留在她的身边，专注于她； 她在等待的他的到来，在等待他的欲望，在等待他从睡梦中醒来；只要他一出去，她就会立刻再盼他回来。这种灾难，沉重地压在芬妮·赫斯特的《后街》和罗莎蒙德·雷曼的《马路风云》的女主人公头上，两者都是纯粹爱情的祭司，又都是爱情的牺牲品。这是对不能掌握自己命运的女人的残酷惩罚。 等待可以是快乐；对于盼望她的爱人并且确知他在匆忙向她赶来，确知他在爱她的女人来说，等待是一种令人眼花缭乱的希望。但是随着这种能够把“不在”变成“在”的得意自信之慢慢衰退，令人痛苦的不安便会开始伴随着这种“不在”：他也许永远不会回来了。我就认识一个女人，她每次收到情人来信都感到惊讶：“我以为你再也不会回来了，”她会说。如果他问为什么，回答则是：“你不可能回来；当我盼你时，我总是感到我将永远不会再见到你了。” 最坏的事莫过于他可能不再爱她了：他可能爱上另一个女人。因为女人努力认真为自己制造的一种幻觉（她会对自己说：“他爱我爱得发疯，他能够只爱我一个人”），并不能消除嫉妒的折磨。允许作出热情而矛盾的肯定是不诚实的特征。所以一个疯子要是顽固地坚持他是拿破仑，他就不会对认为自己同时也是理发师感到尴尬。女人极少问自己这样的问题：他真爱我吗？但她却一百次地这样问自己：他爱上别人了吗？她不承认她的情人的偏爱会一点点地消退，她也不承认他很少会像她那样评估爱情：她会立刻臆想出竞争对手。 她会认为爱情是自由的情感，同时又是魔咒；而且她还会假定，当“她的”男性被她这个聪明的阴谋家给“迷住”和“网住”时，他当然会把她当做一个自由的行动者来爱。男人认为和他结合的女人是内在的；这是他准备去扮演布勃罗舍（Boubouroche）的原因；让他认为她也是另一个人，可能会离开他，这是困难的。和爱情一样，嫉妒在他身上通常只是短暂的危机；这种危机可能会很严重，甚至会导致谋杀，但他极少有长久的不安。他的嫉妒往往是派生出来的：当他觉得他的事业不顺利时，当他觉得生活在伤害他时，他便会认为他的女人在嘲笑他。 另一方面，因相异性和超越性而爱自己的男人的女人，会时时刻刻都有危机感。在“不在”的背叛和不忠之间没有多大距离。从她感到自己并不是那么完美地被爱那一刻起，她就开始嫉妒了，鉴于她的要求，这差不多一向是她的实情；不论采用什么借口，她的指责和抱怨都有嫉妒感的表面；她将以这种方式去表达对等待的不耐烦和厌倦，去表达她依附的酸楚，她对只有残缺不全的生存的遗憾。她的整个命运都和情人抛给另一个女人的每一个目光有关，因为她已把她的整个存在认同于他。于是她情人的目光，哪怕只转向陌生人一刹那，都会把她给惹恼；但是如果他提醒说她刚才也注视了某个陌生人，她就会坚定地回答说：“那可根本不是一回事儿。”她是对的。一个被女人注视的男人是一无所获的；在女性肉体变成猎物以前，没有任何礼物可以奉送。被觊觎的那个女人却立刻会变成一个令人满意的、被渴望的客体； 而这个女人便会受到如此轻视，以至落到普通泥土的地位。所以她才会永远保持警惕。what is he doing他在看谁？他在和谁说话？无论她会有什么想法，笑容都会立刻从她脸上消失；把她从“不朽的珍珠般的光芒”下，抛到寻常的暗淡光线中，只需要一刹那。她从爱得到了一切，失去它她也会失去一切。不论是含糊还是明确，是无根无据还是理由充分，嫉妒都是令女人发疯的一种折磨，因为它与爱情完全不符：如果背叛已是无可置疑，她就必须要么放弃把爱情视为宗教，要么放弃去爱。这是剧烈的激变，难怪连恋爱女人也会产生怀疑和误解，着魔似的想要发现那毁灭性的事实真相，又着魔似的害怕会发现这种真相。 由于既骄傲又焦虑，女人也许会经常受到嫉妒的折磨，然而她也可能在这方面始终是错的：朱利埃特·德鲁埃就痛苦地怀疑过接近雨果的每一个女人，却单单忘掉了莱昂妮·比阿德，而她做他的情妇有8年之久。由于无法确定，每个女人都是对手，都是威胁。爱情破坏了同其他女人建立友谊关系的可能性，因为恋爱女人被封闭在她情人的世界；嫉妒加剧了她的隔绝，使她的依附性变得更加狭窄。然而它也缓解了她的无聊，守住丈夫是工作，但守住情人却是神圣的义务。若是女人在沉迷于幸福崇拜时忽视了自己的容貌，那么她一旦预感到危险，就又会开始注意到它。打扮、料理他们的房间、出现在社交场合，是斗争的方方面面。 这种斗争是振奋精神的活动；只要她有理由确信会胜利，这个斗士就会在斗争中产生出强烈的快感。 但是，对失败的痛苦恐惧，也会把自由的慷慨赠送变成屈辱的服务。男人为了自卫发动了攻击。甚至连有自尊心的女人也会被迫变得温柔被动；部署、谨慎、诡计、微笑、魅力和温顺，是她最精良的武器。我仍然可以记得一天傍晚我出其不意地按门铃，一个年轻女人站在门口时的情形。我是两个小时前离开她的，那时她的妆化得很差劲，衣着不整，两眼无神。 但现在她在盼望着他的到来。见到我时，她又恢复了常态，但在我有机会看她的那一瞬间，发现她虽然已为他准备妥当，可是由于害怕，她高度紧张，歇斯底里，随时准备把任何痛苦隐藏在轻松微笑的后面。她的头发已精心梳理过，她的嘴唇和双颊涂上了非同寻常的颜色，她还穿着一件白得刺眼的花边上衣。赴宴的衣服，战争的武器！按摩师、“美容师”深知他们的顾客给似乎无用的虚饰带来了怎样悲剧性的重要性：一个女人为了吸引情人必须发明出新的诱惑，一个女人必须变成他希望遇到、他希望占有的那个女人！ 但是这一切都是徒劳的：她不会恢复以前最先吸引他而现在也可以把他吸引到其他某个女人那里的他者形象。和丈夫一样，请人也有那种不可能满足的双重要求：他既希望他的情妇完全属于他，又希望她是陌生人；既希望她完全符合他的要求，又希望她有别于他能想到的一切，既希望她在他的预料之中，又希望她完全出乎他的意料。女人被这种矛盾搞得惶惶不安，所以注定要受挫。她试图依情人的欲望塑造自己；许多在恋爱伊始因自恋得到满足而精神焕发的女人，在觉得自己没有得到那么热情的爱的时候，会表现出一种疯狂得可怕的奴性；她们精神恍惚，虚弱无力，使清人感到为难。女人由于盲目献身而失去了使她妖冶动人的自由度。情人在她身上要去寻找他的反映，但如果他发现这种反映简直是太逼真了，他会感到厌倦。发现她由于自己的爱情而变丑和受到摧残，也同样是恋爱女人的不幸之一；她只不过是这么一个奴隶，这么一个仆人，这么一面太容易到手的镜子，这么一个太忠实的应声虫。当逐渐意识到这一点时，她的苦恼进一步贬低了她的价值；流泪、要求和争吵只能使她完全失去自己的吸5！force.一个生存者的价值在于他做了什么；但是她仅仅为了“是”（tobe），就逐渐依赖不属于她自己的意识并拒绝做任何事。朱利埃·德·莱斯皮纳斯写道：“我只知道如何去爱。”“我仅仅是爱”这句话是恋爱女人的座右铭；她除了爱什么也不是，而当她的爱失去对象时，她便什么也不是了。 她常常会意识到她的错误，所以她会试图重新坚持她的自由，重新取得她的相异性，变得卖弄风情。在被其他男人渴望时，她又引起了那冷漠情人的兴趣。这是许多愤世嫉俗小说的陈旧主题；有时“不在”足以恢复她的威望。阿尔贝蒂娜在近处服服贴贴时仿佛是乏味的； 她在远处就又变得神秘起来，引起了嫉妒的普鲁斯特对她的重新评价。 但是要这类花招可要小心，如果被男人识破，就只会可笑地暴露出她身为奴隶的奴性。 甚至成功了也还不是没有危险的；他由于她属于他而蔑视她，但他也由于她属于他而依恋她，不忠会消灭哪个，是蔑视还是依恋？既然她对男人冷淡，他就可能被惹恼并把她抛弃；不错，他是希望她有自由；不过他也希望她去奉献。她知道有这种危险，所以不敢妄自轻浮。让恋爱女人玩这种游戏几乎不可能；她太担心掉进由她自己设下的陷阱了。在某种程度上她仍考虑到她的情人，她对愚弄他会感到厌恶：谁让他在她心目中是一个神了呢？如果她赢了这场游戏，她就会毁掉她的偶像；如果输了，她就会毁了她自己。没有任何办法解救。 一个谨慎的［私通女人］（但这些词是相互抵触的），会试图把情人的热情变成爱、友谊和习惯；或者试图用强有力的联系——孩子或婚姻，把他和自己拴在一起。这种想结婚的欲望缠扰着许多私通者：这是一种求安全的欲望。聪明的情妇会在尚年轻时就利用爱情确保她的未来；但是当她允许自己进行这种投机时，她就不该再有［私通女人〕这个名称。因为［私通女人〕疯狂地想永远捉住情人的自由，但并不想把它给毁掉。这就是为什么除了自愿结合能延续一生的为数极少的情况，爱情宗教会导致突变的原因。和莫拉在一起时，德·莱斯皮纳斯小姐有幸第一次对此感到厌倦，她感到厌倦是因为她遇见了吉尔伯特，而他从自己那方面很快就对她感到厌倦。德·阿古勒夫人和李斯特的爱情，则死于这种毫不留情的辩证关系： 那火一般的热情，那生命力，那抱负，既让李斯特吸引她的爱情，又注定让他得到别人的爱情。邓南遮的那种令人神往的光辉，则有他的不忠作为代价。关系破裂固然可以在男人身上留下痕迹，但他毕竟有他的男人生活可过。被遗弃的女人却不再是什么，也不再有什么。如果要问她以前是怎样生活的，她甚至回想不起来。她让自己从前的世界化为灰烬，以选定会突然把她给赶出来的新天地；她发誓要抛弃她相信过的所有价值，和她的朋友决裂；她现在发现她头上没有屋顶，周围全是一片荒漠。既然情人之外什么也没有，她将如何开始新的生活呢？她像以前躲进修道院那样，躲进了疯狂的幻想之中；或者如果她因此变得太果断，就只有去死：或者像德·莱斯皮纳斯小姐那样很快就去死；烦恼可能会无止境地拖延下去。当女人把身体和灵魂向男人奉献了10年、20．年，当他牢牢处在她所置于的受尊崇的地位时，被抛弃就会成为一种突如其来的可怕剧变。“我该怎么办？”一个40岁的女人问，“如果他不再爱我了，我究竟该怎么办呢？”她极其注意穿着打扮，但是她那僵硬衰老的面容几乎激不起新的热情；于是，她在一个男人的庇护下生活了20年，在这之后她还能爱上任何别的人吗？ 一个40岁的人仍有许多岁月要度过。我还见到一个女人，她尽管面部因悲哀而浮肿，仍有迷人的眼睛和高贵的仪容；她在公开场合让眼泪趁人不注意时流下，除了自己的忧伤，她对一切都视而不见，听而不闻。现在那个神正在和另一个女人说着专为她编出来的瞎话；而这个王后被废黜后，却不再知道她是否统治过一块真实的领地。如果这个女人仍然年轻，她就会有机会恢复过来——新的爱情将会把她给治好。有时她在献身时会有更多一点的保留，认识到作为非唯一者这不可能是绝对的；但是她会比第一次更猛烈地冲向毁灭，因为她还必须去弥补过去的失败。只有在女人可以重新掌握自己时，绝对爱情的失败才能成为非常有益的教训；埃洛伊丝和阿贝拉分手后没有落魄，因为她通过管理修道院确立了独立的生存。柯莱特的女主人公们自尊心太强了，太有手段了，她们不会因为失恋而毁灭；现实生活中的许多女人也是如此。然而，极少有哪种罪过会比把自己完全置于另一个人的掌握之中这种慷慨所造成的错误，更该受到严厉惩罚的了。 真正的爱情应当建立在两个自由人相互承认的基础上；这样情人们才能够感受到自己既是自我又是他者：既不会放弃超越，也不会被弄得不健全；他们将在世界上共同证明价值与目标。对这一方和那一方，爱情都会由于赠送自我而揭示自我，都会丰富这个世界。乔治·古斯朵夫在他论述自我认知的一书中，非常准确地总结了男人对爱情要求些什么。 爱情使我们离开自己，从而向我们揭示自己。我们通过接触那种外在于我们并补充于我们的事物肯定我们自己……爱情作为一种感受形式，甚至在我们已经生活在里面的景致之内，它揭示了新的天、新的地。这里面有个重要秘密：世界是不同的，我自己是不同的。我不再独自知道这一点。甚至还有更好的： 某人告诉了我这一事实。所以女人在男人获得自我认知当中，扮演了不可缺少的领导角色。 这说明年轻男人的恋爱实习对他是重要的；我们已经看到司汤达和马罗对这段话里所出现的奇迹是多么惊讶：“我是我自己，我是不同的。”但是古斯朵夫写这番话时他却是错误的： “同样，男人对女人来说，也是她和她自己之间不可缺少的中介”，因为她今天的处境和男人不是同样的；男人虽然被揭示成另外一副模样，但他仍是他自己，而且他的新模样同他的人格总体联为一体。只有当女人的生存与男人的pour-soi［自为]生存同样重要时，她才可以是如此；这意味着她要有经济独立地位，她要向她自己的目的运动，并且要在无须利用男人充当代理人的条件下向着社会总体超越她自己。爱情在这种情况下也同样是可以实现的，如马罗在《人的命运》中所描写的乔与梅之间的爱情就是如此。女人甚至可以扮演男性的支配角色，如德·华伦夫人和卢梭在一起时就是这样，柯莱特《心爱的人》一书中的丽亚和谢利在一起时也是这样。 但是女人往往只知道自己是不同的、相对的；她的pour-autri［他为]、她与他人的关系，同她的存在（being）混为一体；对于她，爱情不是“她同她自己”的中介，因为她并未获得自己的主观生存；她仍然淹没在不仅被男人所揭示也被他所创造的这个恋爱女人当中。 对她的拯救要依靠这个创造了她并能够马上把她摧毁的专横的自由者。她在这个男人面前，生活在恐惧和战栗之中，他控制了她的命运，却对这一命运不全了解，也不十分想了解。她危险地借助于一个他人，她在她自己的命运面前，是一个痛苦而又无能