Chapter 30 Chapter 20 Middle-aged and Elderly Women

Chapter 20 Middle-aged and Elderly Women A woman's individual life history, because she has been exerting her female functions, depends much more on physiological fate than a man; the development curve of a woman's fate is more irregular and less continuous than that of a man.Every stage in a woman's life is the same and monotonous, but the transition from one stage to another is extremely sudden and dangerous.The crises revealed by these transitions—puberty, sexual onset, menopause—are more decisive than in men.Man is gradually aging, woman is suddenly deprived of her femininity; when she loses her sexual attractiveness and her fertility (which both society and herself believe provide the justification for her existence) proof, and a chance for her happiness), she was relatively young.She has lost her future, but half her middle age is still to be spent.

The "dangerous age" is marked by the disturbance of certain organs, and it is because of their symbolic meaning that they are important.This "life-changing" crisis is rarely felt by women who have not bet everything on femininity; Women who work hard at home or outside welcome the disappearance of this monthly burden; rural women, workers' wives, are constantly in danger of re-pregnancy, and when at last the risk is no longer necessary, they will feel happy.At this juncture, as at many others, the woman's discomfort does not come from her body, but from her anxiety and concern for her body.This mental drama often begins before these psychic phenomena appear, and ends long after they have long since disappeared.

A woman was haunted by the fear of growing old long before the accident that left her physically unfit. The middle-aged man is devoted to matters more important than love; his erotic passions are not as strong as in his youth; attraction.In contrast, women usually don't finally overcome all inhibitions until they are almost 35 years old, and their sexual love has been fully developed.At that time her sensual desires were strongest, and she most wanted them to be fulfilled; she was more sure of her own sexual value than a man; to control her husband, to ensure his protection, to keep her For most jobs, she has to be attractive and people-pleasing, and she can't possibly control the world unless she uses a man as an intermediary.What would happen to her if she could no longer control him?She asked herself anxiously as she watched helplessly that the fleshy object by which she identified herself was growing old.So she plotted a fight.But hair dye, body balm and plastic surgery can only prolong her fading youth.Perhaps she could at least deceive her mirror; but she had felt the touch of death at the first hints of the fateful, irreversible process that was about to destroy the whole edifice she had built in adolescence.

One might think that the woman who is most intoxicated with her youth and beauty will be the one who suffers most.But it is not: The narcissist is so preoccupied with her body, yet not so unaware that it will inevitably age, that she is not ready to withdraw. She will certainly suffer from her inadequacy, but at least it will not surprise her, and she will adapt quickly.A woman who is selfless, devoted, and self-sacrificing is disturbed by the sudden revelation: "I have only one life to live; think what my lot was before, and see what I am now. Go!" To the astonishment of all, a radical change took place in her: she left her protective profession, her plans were interrupted, and she suddenly found herself at the end of her rope, alone.Except for the unexpected trip over the milestone, it seemed to her that there was nothing more to do but get on with her life.Her body will make no promises; her unfulfilled dreams and longings will never be fulfilled.With this prospect, she revisited the past; the moment had drawn a line in the books, had settled accounts with her;

Confronted with her short and disappointing experience, on the threshold of a future still unattainable, she reverts to her girlish behavior: she refuses to admit that this is all; Rich to compare.Because, as a woman, she lived through her fate more or less passively, as if she felt that her chance had been robbed, that she had been fooled, that she had slipped from youth to middle age without knowing it.She found that her husband, her circumstances, her busyness were all unworthy of her; she felt that she was never appreciated.She withdrew from those around her whom she considered less superior; she shut herself up, the secret of her heart which was the mysterious key of her unlucky fate.

She strives to try every possibility in turn, which she has not yet tried.She began to keep a daily diary; if she found a sympathetic confidant, she would talk endlessly about herself; day and night she reflected on her regrets and her mistakes.Just as a teenage girl dreams of what her future will be like, so she recalls what her past might have been; she sketches her lost opportunities and spins nostalgic romances. Childhood and adolescence concerns resurface, a woman relives the stories of her youth over and over, and dormant feelings for parents and siblings now resurface.At times she fell into a trance and passive brooding, but more often than not she set out suddenly to make up for her lost existence.She flaunts her newly discovered personality in contrast to a mediocre fate; she extols its virtues and urges to do it justice.Ripe with experience, she thought she could always be famous; she wanted to get back into action.First, she couldn't wait to make up for lost time.The mother woman will insist that she can still have a baby: she desperately wants to recreate life.A lustful woman will try to seduce her lover again.Flirty women are more eager than ever to please.Each of them claimed they had never felt so young.They want others to believe that the passage of time has never really hurt them; she begins to "dress like a young man," putting on an air of innocence.The older woman is well aware that if she is no longer a sexual object, it is not only because her body is no longer rewarding, but because her past, her experiences (whether she wants to or not) have made her a sexual object. people; she had fought, loved, longed, suffered, and enjoyed for her own sake.This independence is terrible; she wants to deny herself that independence; she exaggerates her femininity, she grooms herself, she uses perfume, she makes herself very attractive and elegant, purely internal.

She spoke to men like a child, her innocent eyes showed envy, and she talked endlessly about her childhood; Instead of talking solemnly, she twittered, clapped her hands, and burst out laughing.And she delivers the comedy with a certain sincerity.As she develops new interests, she develops a desire to break away from routine and start anew, so she feels like she is starting life again. But in truth, it was impossible to actually begin to live; she saw nothing in the world to which she could reach freely and effectively.Her activities take on an odd, incoherent, and fruitless form, since she can only symbolically atone for mistakes and failures.For example, a woman of the age we examine will try to fulfill all her childhood and girlhood wishes before it is too late: she may go back to playing her piano, she may start sculpting, writing, and traveling, It is also possible to learn to ski and learn a foreign language.She now welcomes with open arms, before it's too late, what she was unwilling to accept before.She allows herself to be disgusted with her formerly tolerable husband, with whom she is frigid; And this activity she gave up from childhood.Homosexual tendencies (which exist in covert form in almost all women) now became apparent; she often directed them towards her daughters;Rom Rondo tells the following story in his book Sex, Life, and Belief, which was confided to him by the person involved:

Mrs. X... is approaching 50; she is married 25 and has 3 grown children; she is well known socially and philanthropically.In London, she met a woman who was 10 years younger than her and had the same interests as her - Mrs. Y. Mrs. Y invited her to be a guest. On the second evening of her visit, Mrs. X found herself embracing her mistress warmly; she said she was astonished to have spent the night with her that night, and returned home terrified.Up until then she hadn't known anything about homosexuality, that "such a thing" existed.Missing Mrs. Y, she found, for the first time in her life, that her husband's kisses and touches to which she had grown accustomed were rather repulsive.She decides to "work it out" when she visits her friend again, yet her enthusiasm continues unabated; their relationship is more enjoyable than anything she's ever experienced.Tormented by guilt, she went to her doctor to find out if there was any "scientific explanation" for her condition and whether it was morally justifiable.

In this instance, the narrator succumbs to her instinctive urges, and she is deeply troubled by it.But this type of woman also often wants to experience romantically what she has not experienced, because she will soon be unable to experience it again.She ran away from home sometimes because she felt that her home was not worth lingering on, sometimes because she wanted to be alone, and sometimes in pursuit of adventure.If there is such a possibility, she will enthusiastically invest in it.This situation is reflected in an instance of Stekel: A 40-year-old woman who had been married for 20 years and had grown children was beginning to feel that she had wasted her life for being unappreciated.She took up new activities, such as going skiing in the mountains.There she met a 30-year-old man and became his mistress.

A woman influenced by a strong tradition of decency and honor does not necessarily take extreme measures to define her actions.But her dreams were filled with erotic hallucinations, and she was troubled even in her waking hours; she showed a feverish carnal affection for her child; Falling in love with one young man after another; Like the young girl, she was haunted by thoughts of being raped; she too had an insane desire to become a whore.This ambivalence of her thoughts and fears creates an anxiety that may lead to a neurosis: her relatives will be appalled by her strange behavior, which is really just a part of her imagined life. Performance.

During this period of disorder, the line between imagination and reality is even less clear than in adolescence.It is a distinguishing feature of an older woman that a sense of loss of self makes her completely deprived of objectivity.Those who are perfectly healthy and who are dying also say that they have a strange sense of doubleness; when one feels one is a conscious being.The passive object manipulated by fate must seem to be another person when he is an active, free person: it is not I who was hit by a car; it cannot be me, I am not the old woman in the mirror!A woman who "has never felt so young in her life" and who has never seen herself so old cannot reconcile the two smoothly; middle.Reality recedes, fades, and is no longer clearly distinguishable from illusion.This kind of woman would rather believe what she sees than believe in that strange world where time flows backwards, her image no longer resembles her, and the result betrays her.So she wanted ecstasy, she wanted inspiration, she wanted crazy excitement.Since love is her main concern now more than ever, it is normal for her to embrace the illusion of being loved.Nine out of ten nymphomaniacs are women, and almost all of them are between the ages of 40 and 50. However, not everyone can be expected to step over the wall of reality so boldly.Many women reject all forms of human love even in their dreams; they beg God for help; Qiu's woman is obsessed with fate.Vague notions of the mystical and the unthankful began to seek rational unity in religion.Such a believer sees her botched life as a test of God's; and the special virtues which her soul has extracted from misfortune make her worthy of God's favor.She will readily believe that she is inspired by God, and even believes that she has undertaken an urgent mission from God. Because of the more or less complete loss of reality, a woman in such a crisis is very open to pointers, and therefore, as a penitent, to a strong influence on her soul.And she would accept highly contested authority; she was destined to be the prey of sects, spiritualists, seers, witch doctors, and charlatans of every description.This is because, not only has she lost all critical discernment in contact with the real world, but she has also become passionate about ultimate truth: she must have a prescription, a formula, a key, which, while saving the world, , and rescued her all at once.More than ever, she defies logic, which apparently does not apply to her; only those evidences that have special meaning to her seem convincing, and then revelations, inspirations, prophetic predictions, and even miracles, begin to appear in her flourished all around.Her discoveries sometimes lead her to action: she throws herself into business, enterprise, ventures, which an advisor or her inner voice suggests.In other cases, she is content to be deified as a vessel for absolute truth and wisdom. Her attitude, both in action and in thought, was accompanied by wild agitation.The menopausal crisis savagely splits a woman's life in two; the resulting discontinuity gives the woman the illusion of a "new life"; into it; she turns to love, to godly life, to art, to humanity; In these beings she loses herself and expands herself.She came back from the dead, observing the world with eyes that have seen through the secrets of the other side, thinking that she is about to fly to the peak that has not been reached so far. But nothing has changed in the world, the summit is still elusive; the prophecies received, no matter how clear, are hard to decipher; the brilliance of the spirit has faded; It is unstoppable to grow old day by day.After that moment of excitement came a moment of dejection and sorrow.The body also shows this rhythm, because the decline of female hormones is compensated by the overactivity of the pituitary gland; but the most important thing is the psychological state that dominates this emotional change.This restlessness of woman, her hallucinations, her agitation, is nothing but a defensive reaction against the influence of irremediable fate.The pain was once again like a skeletal throat, and this life of a woman was over before death could catch her.Instead of eliminating despair, she often prefers to let it be drugged.She babbled endlessly about her mistakes, her regrets, her reproaches; she imagined that her relatives and neighbors were committing crimes, secretly plotting against her; Together they create the illusion of persecution.But she would especially begin to be morbidly jealous of her husband, and would direct this jealousy at his friends, at his sisters, at his affairs;Pathological jealousy is a condition that mostly occurs among older women between the ages of 50 and 55. In women who refuse to acknowledge growing old, the difficulties caused by menopause persist—sometimes even to death; It is by no means uncommon for her to fight frantically if she has nothing to do but use her body's charms to keep the torque going, and if her libido is still high.When asked at what age a woman will stop being tortured by carnal desires, Duchess Metternich replied: "I don't know, I'm only 65 years old!" Marriage (according to Montaigne, it can only be given to women) providing "minimal supplementation") becomes less and less effective as she ages; she often pays the price in middle age for the repression and frigidity of her youth; Her husband had already given in to her frigidity and made self-adjustment.Deprived of her sexual demands by familiarity and time, the wife has little opportunity to rekindle the marriage.She is distressed and determined to live "her own life," so she has less scruples about finding a lover—if she had any before; but lovers are still to be found: it is hunting men.She casts countless schemes: She pretends to give herself, but she thrusts herself into others; she turns politeness, friendship, and gratitude into snares.She attacked young men not only because she liked the youthful freshness of their flesh, but also because only from them could she hope for that disinterested feeling that adolescents sometimes feel for their motherly mistresses.She herself became aggressive, and the meekness of the young man pleased the older woman as much as his good looks; Madame de Stael, in her 40s, was not dry enough for breasts that awed earthly prestige The young man is very satisfied.In any case, it's always easy for the timid novice to pick up. When seduction and intrigue have failed, there is one hand left to the indomitable woman, and that is to pay.The story of the so-called Cannivets' knife that circulated in the Middle Ages vividly describes the fate of these insatiable witches: a young woman, in return for her dedication, asks each of her lovers for a small cannivet knife], And store those table knives in the cupboard.One day the cupboard was full; thereafter her lover triumphantly took a present from her after every night of love.The cupboard was soon empty; all the cannivet [table knives] were given away, so she bought some more to put there.Some women adopt a cynical attitude to the situation: they have had their days, and now it is her turn to "send the cannivet [knife]".Money, in their minds, can even have the opposite effect on high-class prostitutes, but it is also a purifying effect: it turns men into tools, and makes it possible for a woman to gain the self-esteem she once denied in her youth. sexual freedom. But more out of romance than intelligence, the mistress-protector often tries to buy the illusion of affection, admiration, respect; she even convinces herself that she gives because she is happy to give, not because people What are you asking her for.Now the young man is again chosen as his mistress, proud of her motherly generosity to him; "Helping" woman asks), because in this way the naked deal is masked by the inexplicable.But hypocritical sympathy seldom lasts for long; the struggle of the sexes becomes a struggle between exploiter and exploited, and women, deceived and fooled, are in danger of cruel defeat.If she is wise, she will disarm herself in a relatively timely manner, even if her enthusiasm is not completely extinguished. From the day a woman admits to getting older, her situation changes.Until then she had been a young woman struggling wholeheartedly against the misfortune that had mysteriously disfigured her and deformed her body; now she was another person, sexless but sane : An old woman.It may be considered that her "dangerous age" crisis has passed, but it should not be considered that her life will be easy because of it.When she gives up the fight against the doom that time brings, another struggle begins: she must keep her place in the world. It is in the autumn and winter of life that woman sheds her yoke; Opening his arms, weaving her own life around him, in friendliness, indifference, or hostility.If he ages faster than her, she will control the married life.She might also be scornful of fashion and not care "what people have to say"; she's no longer bound by social obligations, diets, and attention to beauty.As for her children, they were old enough to live on their own; they were getting married, they were leaving home. Freed from obligation, she was free at last.Unfortunately, every woman's experience reproduces what we have verified throughout the history of womanhood: she has this freedom precisely when she cannot use it.This reappearance is no accident: patriarchal society assigns a service aspect to all female functions, so that women can only be released from slavery when they have completely lost their functions.She was in full possession of her abilities when she was approaching fifty; she felt that she had a lot of experience; this was the age when a man had a very high position, a very high position; and as for her, she was going to retire.She had learned to dedicate herself to someone, but now no one needed her devotion anymore.She is useless, and her existence cannot be justified, so she can only hope to survive in her dying years, and she can only say to herself: "No one needs me anymore!" She didn't immediately adapt to the situation.At times she haunted her husband painfully; her care for him was more imperious than ever, and he suffocated; but the routine of married life was too fixed; He no longer valued her efforts.As with growing old alone, maintaining their life together has become secondary.She turns her hopes to her children; for them nothing is yet a foregone conclusion; the world and the future are still open to them; She would have liked to have followed them all the way.A woman with a late chance of childbearing has an advantage: She is still a young mother when other women are grandmothers.But usually a mother sees her little one grow into a man between the ages of 40 and 50.It was because they were going to leave her that she was full of enthusiasm and tried to live by them. Her attitude varies according to whether she hopes that her son will help her later or that her daughter will help her in the future; usually she pins her most unlikely hopes on him.In this, the son is a man who has come to her from the abyss of the past, and she has looked to the distant horizon to see his glorious appearance; from the first cry of her newborn son, she has longed for The day when he could pour out all the wealth his father was unable to give her.She also beat him and punished him during this period, but these are all forgotten now; this man she liked in the bottom of her heart has become a member of the demigod who dominates the world and controls women; now he will admit She has all the glory of motherhood.He would free her from her husband, avenge her lovers whom she had and did not have; he would be her liberator, her saviour.She reverted to him the seductive and ostentatious behavior of a girl staring at a charming suitor; she walked beside him with grace and charm, and felt as if she were his sister; —Teasing and being close to her, laughing at and respecting her next to her will make her feel fascinated.It was with pride and humility that she acknowledged the male superiority of the man who had been her little child. To what extent do these emotions count as incest?Doubtless, the word sister was but a fancy-sounding shield, when she fancied herself smugly dependent on her son's power; and when she was asleep, when she was careless, she sometimes went quite far in reverie; but I have already said that dreams and phantasies do not always represent hidden desires demanding actual action.They often gratify themselves, they gratify a desire that demands only satisfaction in the imagination.It's just a game when the mother treats her son as a lover with more or less disguise.Often, sex has no place in the real sense between the two. But the two did become a couple; the mother, from the depths of her feminine consciousness, cheered the sovereign man represented by her son; she placed herself under his control with all the zeal of a woman in love. Below, and in return for this gift, she expected to ascend to the right seat of God.To be treated like the Assumption, the woman in love implores her lover to move freely; she rides the risk, and her reward lies in his desperate need.On the other hand, the mother also felt that she had acquired an inviolable right by the mere fact of begetting; she was eager to make him admit that he owed her her son in order to consider him her own and her property. obligation.She is less exacting than the woman in love because she is calmer and hypocritical; that is, she voluntarily abdicates with less anxieties of dispossession; Gained control: she appropriated his actions, his work, his virtues.In extolling the fruits of her womb, she lifts herself up to heaven. Living by proxy, while convenient, is never safe.Things may turn out against her original intention.The son is often just a slob, a scoundrel, a loser, a fool, an ungrateful man.Mother has her own ideas about the hero she assumes he embodies.Few are rarer than the mother who sincerely respects the personhood of her child, who, even in failure, recognizes his freedom and shares with him the risks that a career entails.We do often meet mothers who, in imitation of the admired Spartans, happily let their sons win or die; Something she thought would be good for both of them.The mother demanded that the child prodigy's designs conform to her own ideals, and his successful realization of these designs was infallible.Every woman wants to have a hero, a genius; but all mothers of true heroes and geniuses complain that their sons have broken their hearts. In fact, men often win against the mother's wishes, trophies that she covets as a personal adornment and lays at her feet without even acknowledging it.Even if she approves of her son's career in principle, she is tormented by a contradiction similar to that which afflicts women in love.In order to justify his life--and his mother's life, he must go forward, towards certain ends and goals beyond his life; .But when he places certain goals above the mere fact of being alive, he begins to doubt the value of his mother's gift.She is appalled by this; she is sovereign over a man only if the flesh she has conceived is the Supreme good to him.He didn't have the right to destroy what she had born through the pain. "You're going to screw yourself up, you're going to be sick, you're going to go wrong," she whispered in his ear. Yet she also knows full well that simply being alive is not enough, otherwise procreation itself would be superfluous.If her child is a slacker, a coward, she will be the first to object.Her brain never rested for a moment.He had gone to war, and she hoped he would come back alive - but with honor.She wanted him to succeed in his career, but she was afraid that he would be overworked.No matter what he did, she was always worried, helpless to see that the career belonged to him, and she couldn't control it.She was afraid that he would lose his way, that he would fail, that success would ruin his health.Even if she trusted him, age and sex differences prevented real cooperation between mother and child; she was not familiar with his work, and he did not ask her to cooperate. This explains why mothers are often dissatisfied even when they are especially proud of their sons.She believed that she had produced not only a living body, but an absolutely necessary existence, and she looked back and felt that her existence was justified; but justifying this was not a vocation for her: She must continue to do good to fill her days; she wishes to be indispensable to her God.The deceit perpetrated on the believer would in this case be mercilessly exposed: his wife would deprive her of her functions.She is often described as hostile to the strange woman who "takes" her child.The mother elevates the savage and unconscious process of childbirth to a sacred and mystical height, refusing to admit that human decisions can play a more important role.In her view, values ​​are already established, they begin in nature, in the past: She misunderstood the value of the obligations that liberty entails.Her son's life was from her, and what favor could he have from this woman whom he had not known yesterday?It must have been some kind of witchcraft that the woman had been able to persuade him into that hitherto non-existent union; the woman was scheming, selfish, and an unlucky creature.The mother waits eagerly for the fraud to be exposed; Inspired by ancient myths, she watched her son's face for signs of misfortune--signs of which she spotted despite his denials.Although he had nothing to complain about, she still pitied him; she spied on her daughter-in-law and found fault with her in every possible way; the mother opposed every innovation of hers in the way she was used to, and condemned the violators of other people's rights. exist. Every woman understands the happiness of her sweetheart in her own way: the wife wants to see him as a man so that she can conquer society through him; the mother wants to protect him and bring him back to childhood.The young wife expects her husband to become rich or famous, and the mother counters her plans with the law of his immutable nature: he is delicate and he must not be overworked.When it's the turn of the new woman to get pregnant, the conflict between past and future intensifies. "The birth of the child is the death of the parents"; at such times this truth manifests all its brutal force: the mother who wishes to live on her son realizes that he is about to sentence her to death.She gave life; life will go on, but she is going to disappear; she is no longer the mother -- she is only a link.She fell from the heaven of eternal idols, and thereafter was nothing more than a ruined, outdated human being.At such times her hatred may, in morbid cases, develop to such a degree that it may induce insanity or drive her to crime, as in the case of Madame Lefebvre. Under normal circumstances, the grandmother is able to overcome her hostility; sometimes she stubbornly believes that the baby belongs only to her son, and she loves him to an imperious degree; but often the young mother will claim the child as her own; She has an ambiguous affection for young children, hostility masked by a veneer of anxiety. The mother's attitude towards her adult daughter is extremely ambivalent: she wants her son to be a god and her daughter to be a substitute.The double is a dubious figure who tends to injure the original, as we see in Poe's story and Wilde's.So the daughter, in becoming a woman, condemns her mother to death; yet she keeps herself alive.A mother's behavior varies greatly depending on whether what she sees in the child's first bud is destruction or regeneration. 有的母亲冷酷而又怀有敌意。她不能接受一个欠她一条命的忘恩负义之徒来顶替她。人们常注意到风骚女人对衬出她矫揉造作的青春少女所感到的嫉妒：把每个女人都视为可恨的竞争者的她，甚至把她自己的孩子也看成了竞争对手；她会把她赶走，或者让她呆在她看不见的地方，或者设法剥夺她的社交机会。她虽然为自己身为妻子和母亲堪称典范、举世无双而感到骄傲，但仍会为反抗罢黜而进行残忍的斗争。她总在说她的女儿只不过是个孩子，把她做的事视为儿戏；她太年轻，不宜结婚，太娇嫩，不宜生育。如果她坚持想有一个丈夫、家庭和孩子，那么这一切都是言不由衷的。母亲绝不会对挑剔、嘲讽或预言要出问题感到麻烦。如果有可能这么做的话，她会罚女儿永远留在童年阶段；如果无可能，她也会试图毁掉女儿勇敢得到的成人生活。我们已经看到，在这方面她往往会成功：由于受这一有害的影响，许多年轻女人一直不育或流产，不会哺育孩子，或者不会理家。夫妻生活将是不可能的。由于不幸与孤独，她将会在母亲主权的卵翼下寻求庇护。如果她反抗，她们将会永远冲突与对立；受挫的母亲常把对女儿蛮横无车L的独立的愤怒转嫁到女婿头上。 热情认同于女儿的母亲，其专制程度一点儿也不会小；她想利用她成熟的经验重度一次青春，以便在把她自己从过去拯救出来的同时，挽救她自己的过去。她要根据她所梦寐以求但从未有过的丈夫的标准，亲自挑选一个女婿；她卖弄风情而又自作多情，所以她很容易认为女婿在心底暗暗要娶的是她；通过女儿，她满足了自己对财富、成功和名声的旧有欲望。 这些女人常被描绘成怂恿她们的孩子在风流道路（电影或戏剧表演）上继续走下去；她们在照顾孩子的借口下，接管了她们的生活。我曾听说，有些人会走得很远，甚至把少女的求婚者带到自己的床上。但是，女儿长期容忍这种监护的情况则十分少见；她一找到丈夫或可靠的保护人，就会起来造反。岳母对女婿开始十分喜爱，后来会怀有敌意；她哀叹人的忘恩负义，以受难者自居；这回该轮到她变成一个有害的母亲了。 许多女人预见到这些失望，看到女儿长大时，便采取一种冷漠的态度；但倘若如此，她们就会很少能从女儿身上享受到快活。一个母亲要是想通过孩子的生活得到充实，不至于变成他们的暴君或成为受他们折磨的人，就必须把慷慨和超然这两种态度结合起来，虽然这几乎是不可能的。 外祖母对外孙辈的感情，是她对女儿感情的延伸，有时她也会把自己的敌意转移到他们头上。许多女人强迫被诱好的女儿去做人工流产，或强迫她去弃婴乃至杀婴，不仅仅是为了阻止发生丑闻，还因为她们非常乐意剥夺女儿做母亲的权利，顽固地想保持自己的特权。她们甚至准备劝告合法母亲去流产，不哺乳婴儿，把他送得远远的。就她们而言，她们会以冷漠的态度去抹煞这个冒失的小家伙的存在；或者更可能不断地斥责、惩罚孩子，乃至对他虐待。 相反，认同于女儿的母亲，常比这个年轻女人更急于要她的孩子。女儿被未知的小生命的来临搅得心烦意乱，但对于外祖母，这却是旧戏重演：她又回到了20年前，在小床边她又是一个年轻女人了；她重新得到所占有和支配的一切，而这是她的孩子很久没有给过她的。 她停经以后就放弃的种种母性欲望，都奇迹般地实现了；她是真正的母亲，在照料婴儿时很有权威，而且，如果把孩子托付给她，她会热情地为他献出一切。对她不幸的是，年轻母亲很可能会坚持自己的权利；外祖母只是被认可扮演助手的角色，这也是当年她的长者所扮演的角色；她有一种被罢黜的感觉，此外她还必须认真对付她女婿的母亲，而她对这位母亲自然是很嫉妒的。怨恨往往会败坏她最初对孩子的自发的爱。许多外祖母的焦虑表现了她们的感情矛盾：她们喜欢这个婴儿是因为他属于她们，但是她们也因为他是个小陌生人而对他怀有敌意；而且她们会为这种敌意感到害臊。可是，如果外祖母一面保持她对外孙辈的慈爱感情，一面又完全放弃占有，她便可以在他们的生活中扮演守护天使的角色。由于既不承认有权利又不承认有责任，她爱他们是纯粹出于慷慨；她没有因为他们而陷入自恋的梦想中，她对他们什么梦想也没有，她不打算把她可能永远见不到的未来奉献给他们。她所爱的只不过是这个有血有肉的、时时处处都表现出他们依附性和无偿性的小生命；她不是他们的教育者； 她不需要体现抽象的正义与法律。顺便说一下，这也许是她卷入同外孙辈的父母的冲突的原因。 也可能有的女人没有后代，或者对后代不感兴趣；由于缺乏同子女或孙辈的自然联系，她有时人为地创造出一种相似的联系。她向年轻人表达母性的感情；不论她的爱是不是柏拉图式的，她在说她“像爱儿子似的”爱由她所保护的人时，都不全是假的：就此而言，母性的情感或多或少总带有色情的性质。那些仿效德·华伦夫人的人，在救济、帮助和塑造一个男人时，确实得到过快活：她们希望成为一种超越她们的生存的源泉的，成为这种生存必不可少的条件和基础；她们让自己成为母亲，而在她们情人的心目中，她们在这方面更胜于把自己当做情妇。母性型的女人还常收养女孩子。这种关系在这里也同样会呈现出多少带有性的性质的形式；但是不论是柏拉图式的还是肉欲的，她在被保护人身上所寻求的都是一个奇迹般地恢复青春的替身。 女演员、舞蹈家和歌唱家变成了老师：她们在塑造学生；知识分子（如夏里埃夫人在哥伦比亚疗养时），则向门徒进行灌输；虔诚的教徒在自己周围聚集了一群精神女儿；风流女人则变成了鸨母。如果说她们以极大的热忱去从事网罗门生的活动，那么这不是出于对所致力于的领域的纯粹兴趣；她们在被保护人身上所寻求的是化身。她们专横的慷慨所引起的冲突，几乎和有血缘关系的母女之间的冲突一模一样。收养孙辈也同样是可能的；祖姑母和教母很愿意扮演祖母那样的角色。但是在任何情况下，几乎没有哪个女人会在她的后代（自然的或收养的）身上找到为她晚年辩护的理由：她无法将这些年轻人中的任何一人的事业真正据为己有。她只能要么极力坚持把它给接收过来，从而在令她失望和精疲力竭的斗争中被毁掉； 要么她听命于只是进行有节制的参与，如通常发生的那样。年长的母亲和祖母往往会压抑她们想支配的念头，隐藏她们的怨恨；不论孩子最终给了她们什么，她们都会满足。但是倘若如此，她们就会几乎得不到他们的帮助。她们会被迫面对荒漠般的未来，无所事事，成为孤独、遗憾和无聊的牺牲品。 这时我们便会遇到老年女人的令人悲泣的悲剧：她认识到自己已无用了。中产阶级女人在她漫长的一生中，常常不得不去解决如何消磨时间这个可笑的问题。但是当孩子已经长大，丈夫也功成名就或至少安下心来的时候，时光仍必须想点办法才能打发掉。刺绣编织就是为掩饰可怕的空闲才发明出来的；手在刺绣，手在编织，它们在活动；可这不是真正的工作，因为生产出来的东西不是所考虑的目的；它的重要意义在于消磨时间，要弄清它究竟会有什么用处也往往是个难题——也许会把它们送给朋友或慈善机构，或者胡乱摆放在壁炉台上或中央的桌子上，总之可以把它给摆脱掉。这不再是一种虽然无实用性却能表现出纯粹生活乐趣的游戏；而且它也几乎不是一种逃避，因为头脑始终是空虚的。这是巴斯卡尔所谓的“荒唐娱乐”；用织针或钩针，女人可悲地编织出了她度日的空虚。水彩画、音乐和读书，也基本上起着同样的作用；无所事事的女人在让自己适应这类事时，并不是想扩大她对世界的把握； 而只是想排遣她的无聊。一种活动若是不能开辟未来，便会回落到空虚的内在性中；懒散的女人打开书又把它扔到一边，打开钢琴只是为了把它重新盖上，再次做起了刺绣活儿又打着呵欠，最后拿起了电话。 事实上，她极可能会通过社交生活郭解脱；她出门、回访；和达洛韦夫人一样，她也把她的猜春看得很重。；她去参加每一次婚礼、每一次葬礼；她不再有任何属于她自己的生存，于是就鼓励交往。以前风骚的女人，现在变成了长舌妇；她观察着人们，评论著他们的举止行为；她对自己情性的补偿是向周围所有的人散布批评和忠告，不请自到地向每个人介绍她的有益经验。她若有财力，就会开始举办沙龙，希望以此侵占别人的事业和成功；有时她会以这种方式建立对自己臣民的专制统治，就像迪·德芳夫人和维尔杜安夫人那样。成为rt个吸引中心、一种灵感，创造一个聚会点、一种气氛，这的确是对行动的一种替代。 此外还有一些更直接干预世界事务的方式；在法国就有慈善机构和若干个“协会”，但特别是在美国，女人交往于俱乐部，她们在那里打桥牌，读书评，提供文学奖，促进社会改良。 在欧美两个大陆，大多数这类组织的特点是，它们存在的本身就是它们自己的存在理由：它们的那种被假定当做目的的目的只不过是一种借口。其情势正如卡夫卡的寓言所描述的那样： 无人为造通天塔操心；在准备建塔场所的四周，发展起了一个特大的城镇，这个城镇因管理、扩建以及内部争执，耗尽了建塔的所有财力。这些协会的女人在组织她们的机构时，正是这样为各种各样的事情耗尽了她们的大部分时间；她们选择理事，制定章程，进行内部讨论，和竞争协会争夺名望：任何人都不应当偷走她们的贫民，她们的病人，她们的伤员，她们的孤儿；她们宁肯看着他们死，也不愿意把他们交给另一个团体。这些女士们甚至不想要一个能消除弊端和不公正现象的社会制度，以免让她们的热心肠变得没有用场；她们庆幸战争和饥荒把她们变成了人类的恩人。很明显，在她们的心目中，这些编织品和包裹不是为了士兵和灾民而准备的，宁可说这些人是为了收到飞行帽和包裹而准备的。 尽管如此，某些团体还是取得了积极成果。在美国，可敬的“妈妈们”的影响十分有力； 可以解释这一点的，应当是提供她们以闲暇的寄生生活方式：由此产生了闲暇的有害性。在《毒蛇的后代》中，菲利普·怀利这样提到美国妈妈：“她对医学、艺术、科学、宗教、法律、卫生一无所知……准确地说，她对参加任何一个这类无目的的机构要做些什么，极少有特殊的兴趣，只要有事可做就行。”她们的努力同首尾一致的建设性的计划，并没有结合起来，也没有指向客观目标，这些努力只不过是想让她们的情趣和偏见专横地昭示于人，或者只不过是想为她们的利益服务。例如她们可以在文化领域扮演重要的角色，是因为她们买了大部分有关书籍，但她们读起书来却像一个人玩纸牌似的。文学只有在呼吁人们进行设计的时候，才会具有意义和尊严；它必须和人的超越运动结合起来。女人却不是这样，她滥用书籍和艺术品，把它们淹没在内在性之中；油画变成了小摆设，音乐变成了陈腔滥调，小说变成了只和编织的沙发套同值的幻梦。美国的女人应当为畅销书的降格负责；这些书不仅仅是为了让人感兴趣，而且更糟糕的，还是为了让懒散的女人对追求逃避感兴趣。至于妈妈们的一般作用，菲利普·怀利这样写道： 她们把政治家吓得现出一副奴才相，她们让牧师心惊胆战；她们把银行经理搅得心烦意乱，她们把学校布告栏砸得粉碎。妈妈们有许多这类机构，其真正目的在于强迫她周围的一切乖乖地服从她个人的欲望……要是有可能，她会把全城或全州的妓女都给轰出去……她要让公共汽车沿着于她方便而不是于工人方便的路线行驶……她为慈善事业举办盛大的博览会和聚会，又把所有的钱送给……看门人，让他买些啤酒，以治疗委员们次日清晨的头痛……俱乐部则为妈妈们管别人的闲事提供了无数次机会。 这篇抨击性讽刺文章颇为真实。这些老太婆们不是政治专家，不是经济专家，也不是任何技术部门的专家，所以不可能具体地把握社会：她们对所需要采取行动的问题一无所知； 她们拿不出任何建设性的纲领。她们的道德观念和康德的绝对命令一样抽象刻板；她们用颁布禁令来取代对发现进步途径的追求；她们不想积极地创造新局面。她们为消除邪恶而攻击现存的事物。这可以解释为什么她们总是联合起来去反对某种邪恶：酗酒、卖淫、色情文学。 她们没有认识到，纯属消极的努力是注定要失败的，这一点，在美国为禁令的失败所证实，在法国为玛尔特·理查德①促使众议院通过的关闭妓院法令的失败所证实。只要女人仍是一个寄生者，她就不可能有效地参与改善世界。 但是尽管如此，仍有一些我们就要加以考察的女人，全力以赴地投入了某项事业，她们确实发挥了作用；这些女人不再是仅仅想填满自己的时间，她们还有希望达到的目标；她们在自己权利的范围内是生产者，所以不在我们所考察的寄生者之列。但这种改变很少见。这类女人大多在从事私人或公共活动时，没有想到要取得什么结果，而只是想采取什么方式才能够让自己忙个不停——当忙碌只是为了消磨时间时，它是没有价值的。她们许多人受这种情况的不利影响；生活了大半辈子后，她们所感到的迷们，同生活尚未展开的少年十分相似； 两种情况他们都觉得无所依傍，周围是一片荒原；他们一边想着该有什么行动，一边喃喃自语：“这有什么用？”但是，不管是否愿意，男性少年都要走上揭示责任、目标和价值的男性的生活道路；他被抛进这个世界，他作出决定，他献身于某种事业。如果建议年长的女人，说她应当向新的未来进发，她会悲伤地回答说这太晚了。并不是说她今后的时间有限了，因为女人退休得很早；而是说她缺乏四处搜寻并发现新的目标的那种精神、那种自信、那种希望、那种愤怒。 她托庇于已成为其命运的常规；重复变成她的模式。她变得十分吝啬；她越来越虔诚；她紧紧抓着禁欲主义不放，如同德·夏里埃夫人那样。她已干涸，变得冷漠而自私。 老年女人在垂暮之年一般是安详的，这时她放弃了斗争，濒临死亡使她不再关心未来的一切。她的丈夫往往更老，她目睹了这种衰老，暗暗地幸灾乐祸——这是她对他的报复。如果他先死，她会愉快地承受这一损失；人们常看到，对晚年丧偶，男人比女人更加烦恼。他们从婚姻得到的比女人多，尤其是在晚年。 因为那时整个世界都浓缩在家庭范围里；现在已不再与未来相联系。这时妻子主管日常生活，维持他们平稳的节奏。当男人放弃了他的社会职能时，他便变得完全无用了，而他的妻子至少还能够使家庭运作；她对她的丈夫是不可缺少的，而他却完全是个令人讨厌的人。 老年女人为她们的独立感到骄傲；她们终于开始用自己的眼睛观察世界了；她们注意到她们已受到自己全部生活的愚弄和欺骗；她们头脑清醒，不再轻信，常常变得尖酸刻薄，玩世不恭。 尤其是，“生活过来”的女人比任何男人都更加了解男人，因为她已看到男人并非是公众所看到的那种形象，而是同伙不在场时每一个男人都会暴露出的那个偶然的人，那个环境的造物。她也了解女人，因为她们只有在其他女人面前才会毫无保留地袒露自己：她一直藏在幕后。但是即使她的经验使她能够揭穿骗局和谎言，也仍不足以将真理展示在自己面前。不论有趣还是辛酸，老年女人的智慧都仍完全是消极的：它有着对立、指控和拒绝的性质；它是结不出果实的。和在她的行动中一样，对女人的寄生生活有用的最高形式自由，在她的思想中也表现为斯多噶式的否定或怀疑的嘲讽。纵观其一生，她的确任何时候都没有能够既做一个有用的人，又做一个独立的人。