Chapter 28 Chapter 18 Women in Society

Chapter 18 Women in Society The family (the family) is not a closed community: due to communication with other social units, its closedness is weakening; the home (the home) is not only the "inner world" of the non-smoking couple, but also the standard of living, financial situation, and hobbies of the couple. performance, so it is necessary for others to observe.It is primarily the woman's side who directs this social life.Men, as producers and citizens, join this community through the organic cohesion based on the division of labor; husband and wife are social beings, they depend on the family, class, social circle and race to which they belong, through the mechanical cohesion. Bonding, attachment to groups of similar social status; the wife can embody this relationship quite simply, since the husband's professional affiliation is often incompatible with his social status, while the wife has no professional requirements and can associate only with people of her status .Moreover, she has the leisure to maintain this relationship through "return visits" and "treats"; such relationships serve little practical purpose, and so, of course, only in classes whose members deliberately insist on their hierarchical position—that is, in whose It only matters in classes whose members feel superior to some other people.She is happy to show off her "small world" and even her own appearance, but her husband and children are so used to it that they don't pay attention.Her social obligation was to "put on a show," which was combined with her joy in publicity.

First of all, she must "dress up" on occasions related to herself; she can dress casually when doing her own things at home; and "dress up" when going out to entertain guests.The gown has a double function: it indicates the woman's social status (her standard of living, her wealth, the social circle to which she belongs), but it also embodies a woman's narcissism; it is both clothing and decoration ; by means of which a woman who has lost her right to do anything feels that she expresses the part she fills.Concern for beauty and grooming is a job that allows her to possess her looks as well as her home by housekeeping; her self, then, seems to be chosen by herself, recreated by herself.Social conventions reinforce this tendency to judge women by their looks.A man's clothes, like his body, will serve to signal his superiority rather than to attract attention; neither grace nor good looks require him to make himself an object; Thinks his looks are a reflection of himself.

On the contrary, society even requires women to make themselves sexual objects.She becomes a slave to fashion whose purpose is not to reveal her as an independent individual, but to sever her from transcendence and make her the prey of masculine desire; So society doesn't want to push her to design, it wants to thwart it.Skirts are less convenient than trousers, high-heeled shoes hinder walking, long skirts and dress shoes are the least practical, wide-brimmed hats and stockings are the most fragile, but they are the most elegant demeanor; Clothing can disguise the body, change the shape, or pursue curvaceous beauty; in any case it puts the body in a position to be admired.This is why dressing up became such an obsessive game for the little girl, who loved to behold herself; later her independence increased as a child, and she began to rebel against the constraints imposed on her by pastel muslin and patent leather shoes; The child is torn between wanting to show herself and refusing to do so; but once she accepts her fate as a sexual object, she enjoys adorning herself.

As I have pointed out, woman relates herself to nature through adornment, and at the same time brings artificial needs to nature; to man she is a flower, a gem—and herself.Before she gave him the rippling water and the soft fur, she possessed them herself.She is not so closely related to her bauble, her rugs, her cushions, and her bouquets as she is to the feathers, pearls, and silks that are fused with her flesh.Their brilliance, their soft texture, made up for the roughness of the erotic world she was destined to belong to; the more she valued them, the less sensual gratification she got.Many lesbians dress in men's clothes not just to imitate men and to provoke society; they don't need to touch velvet and satin, because this passive quality can also be found in the female body.When a heterosexual woman commits herself to the rough embrace of a man, she has no physical prey to embrace but her own body (even if she likes it, and even more so if she doesn't), so she perfumes her body so that it becomes flowers, and the diamond necklace around her neck complements her skin; as long as she possesses them, she can consider herself the world's greatest rich man.She covets not only the sensual pleasure they afford, but sometimes also the emotional and ideal value they confer.This jewelry is a souvenir, that jewelry is a symbol.Some women have turned themselves into a bouquet of flowers, a birdcage, others into museums, still others into indecipherable symbols.Georgette LeBlanc recalled her youth in her Memoirs:

I always dress up like a painting.One week I wanted to dress up as a Van Eyck figure, a Rubens allegorical figure, or Timm's Madonna.I can still remember walking across the streets of Brussels one winter day in a sleeveless robe of purple velvet trimmed with silver.I dragged my long dress, not bothering to lift it, and let it sweep across the sidewalk with all my heart.A yellow fur hat adorns my blond hair, but the most unusual thing is the diamond at the top of my head.What is all this for?Simply because I like it and because doing so makes me feel like my life is utterly otherworldly.The more I was ridiculed, the more bizarre I dressed up.I was ashamed to make even the slightest change to my appearance because of the ridicule I received.Change is a humiliating concession...it's not the same at home.My models are Gozzoli and F Angelique's angel, Bourne.Jones and Watts' portrait.I was always dressed in sky blue and gold, with folded trains that fluttered around me.

The most typical example of the misuse of ornaments of all kinds can be found in mental asylums.Some women can't control their love for exotic and symbolic objects, forgetting what they really look like, and desperately overdressing themselves.So the little girl sees dressing up as a disguise, thinking that it can transform herself into a fairy, a queen, or a flower; and when she wears garlands and ribbons, she thinks she is beautiful because she thinks she is completely inseparable from these wonderful ornaments. Same.The innocent girl is obsessed with the color of a certain fabric, but doesn't notice her earthy complexion.This proclivity for gaudy can also be found among adult artists and intellectuals, who are only fascinated by the outside world, and do not pay attention to their own appearance; China or the Middle Ages raised a flag to summon spirits, but gave only a quick, prejudiced glance in the mirror.

People are sometimes surprised to find that outlandish adornments are favored even by older women: crowns, sashes, rich dresses, fancy necklaces; unfortunately, these things make their aging features attractive Attention.Many of these women have lost their allure, and dressing up is no more than a game to pass the time for them, as it was when they were children.The graceful woman, on the other hand, will seek sensual and aesthetic pleasure if necessary, but she will certainly make it match her features; The way it is cut will also accentuate or improve her figure.What she values ​​is grooming herself, not grooming her stuff.

Grooming is not just grooming; as I have already said, it is indicative of a woman's social situation.Only a prostitute will specialize in the function of a sexual object, because she can't do anything other than show off; just as orange hair, antique flowery robes, high heels, and strong popular perfume are all in Advertise her career.Any other type of woman who "dressed like a street whore" was criticized.Her erotic faculties were combined with her social life, so it was obvious that she should only be dignified in front of people.However, it should also be pointed out that solemnity does not mean that dress is rigid.It is repulsive for a woman to cater too obviously to male desires, but it is also unworthy of her refusal to such desires.One would think she wanted to be a man, or possibly a gay; or that she wanted to be different and be a monster.

If she refuses to accept her sexual object role, she is socially provocative and perhaps an anarchist.As long as she doesn't want to be unconventional, she must remain feminine.According to custom, compromises of nudity and modest manners can be achieved; sometimes breasts are obliged to be covered by "respectable women", sometimes even ankles; sometimes maidens can show their efforts to attract potential suitors. Married women have to completely give up their own grooming, which is required in many rural cultures; sometimes girls must wear thin, monotonous, old-fashioned long clothes, while older women can wear thick and thick clothes. , rich tones, and attractive styles of tunics; for a 16-year-old, black seems to stand out, so it is not the color for this age.

These rules can't be ignored, of course; but generally, even in the most conservative circles, the sexual side of a woman is emphasized; the pastor's wife, for example, has her hair wavy, light makeup, and discreet fashion. , expressed concern about her physical attractiveness, which speaks to her acceptance of her female role.This combination of sexual life and social life is especially evident in evening dress.To show that this is a social occasion marked by extravagance and staggering waste, evening dresses should be expensive and flimsy; they should also be as inconvenient as possible; skirts should be long and wide, or as narrow as tight Wrapped around the body, it is almost impossible to walk; beneath jewels, ruffles, sequins, curlicues, feathers, and wigs, women become dolls of flesh and blood.Even this body is exhibited, like a blooming flower displayed before the people;

Women are also showing their shoulders, backs and chests.Men shouldn't show too much interest in all of this except during a carnival, they can only glance at it and hug while dancing.But to be king in a world full of such exquisite treasures, everyone would be enthralled.As far as the men are concerned, gatherings here have the ritual aspect of barter, which calls for the exchange of gifts in which each individual presents the female body as personal property, through exhibition, to everyone else. The wife in evening gown poses as an ordinary woman to please all the men and satisfy the pride of her owner. Since makeup has social significance, it is possible for a woman to express her attitude towards society by the way she dresses.If she obeys the established order, she will show a delicacy and charming demeanor.There can be many nuances here: she can present herself as vulnerable, childish, mysterious, frank, self-restrained, gay, rather brave, virtuous.Or on the contrary, if she flouts convention, she makes it obvious by being different.It is worth noting that in many novels, the "liberated woman" uses bold costumes to show her uniqueness, highlight her sexual object nature, and thus highlight her dependence.For example, in Edith Wharton's "The Age of Ignorance," a young divorced woman with an adventurous past and a reckless temperament is extremely bare-chested on her first appearance; The bouts of gossip she incurred clearly reflected her contempt for conformity.Likewise, teenage girls like to dress like grown women, older women like to dress up as little girls, and high-class prostitutes like to dress up as upper-class women, who like to dress up as "sluts." Even if each woman dresses according to her status, there will also be tricks: skill, like art, belongs to the realm of the imagination.Not only do girdles, brassieres, hair dyes, and make-up conceal body and face, but a woman of inexperience, once "dressed up," is as unrecognizable as she is; she is as much an assumption as a picture, statue, or stage actor. An agent in which someone does not exist—that is, she represents the role she plays, but is not the role.This identification with someone as unreal, unchanging, and perfect as the hero of the novel, the portrait, or the statue, gives her satisfaction; She tries to identify with this image, and she feels that only with a glorious image can she be stable and the legitimacy of her own existence be confirmed. Because of this, in Mary Bashkirchev's "Spiritual Monologues", we can see her tirelessly describing herself in a series of images.She showed us her attire without omission; each new adornment made her feel dramatically changed, and renewed her adoration of herself. I took one of my mother's large shawls, cut a hole in the middle for the head to go in, and sewed each side together.This shawl, which drapes in classical folds, gave me an oriental, biblical exoticism. I went to La Friel fashion store, and Caroline spent 3 hours making a robe for me. When I put it on, I felt like I was shrouded in a cloud.She draped me in a piece of English crepe, which made me look slender, graceful, and slender. I was dressed in a flowing warm tweed gown, and I looked like Lefebvre, who knew very well how to set off his youthful and vigorous figure with unpretentious materials. She babbles about this sentence every day: "I am attractive in black... I am attractive in gray... I am attractive in white." Madame de Noailles believed that clothing was very important, and in her "Memoirs" she painfully described the uproar caused by a poorly made gown. I love vibrant colors and their wild contrasts; a gown is like a landscape painting, like the starting point of a path of destiny, like a promise of adventure.But when I put on that very ill-fitting robe, I couldn't help but suffer from the flaws that were revealed at the time. Clothes are so important to many women because they allow them to hallucinate while simultaneously reshaping the outer world and their inner selves. The German novel "The Girl in Rayon" by l. Ke-Un describes a young girl's passion for a white cloak.She loved the warmth it brought to the senses, and she experienced a blissful security wrapped in its fine folds; by means of it she took possession of the world of beauty, of a world utterly beyond her reality. destiny. Since the woman is the object, it is entirely understandable that her inner worth is affected by the style of her dress.It is not at all useless that she attaches so much importance to stockings or nylons, to gloves, to hats, since it is her duty to maintain her position.In the United States, working girls spend most of their living expenses on beauty and clothing.In France, this costs a little less; But it remains the case that the more beautiful a woman is, the more respected she is; the more she needs work, the more good looks are in her favor; a letter of recommendation. Elegance is also bondage; its benefits come at a price; and its cost is so high that store security guards often catch redneck women or actresses stealing perfume, silk stockings, underwear, or the like in the act.Many women engaged in prostitution or received financial "support" in order to look good; clothing required them to have extra money.It also takes time and effort to look good; but such a task can sometimes bring positive pleasure; in this field as in the home goods market, hidden treasures can be found, bargains can be found everywhere, strategies, Use strategy and ingenuity.If a woman is ingenious, she can even sew new clothes for herself in threes and fives.A deal is an adventure, a new outfit is a compliment, and makeup or hair can be a substitute for creating art.A woman knows better today than ever before how to develop her body's pleasures through exercise, gymnastics, baths, massages, and nutraceuticals; she can decide how much she should weigh, what body shape she should have, and what skin color she should have.Modern aesthetic concepts made it possible for her to combine beauty and activity: she had the right to exercise her muscles and she refused to gain weight; It is also easy to fall back into dependency; the Hollywood star, while overcoming her nature, becomes at the same time a passive object manipulated by the studio. Besides these victories, which of course please a woman, staying attractive, like maintaining a good home, means fighting against the passing of time; for her body is also a degraded object over time.In The Loser, Colette Audry describes this struggle comparable to the housewife's struggle with dust: It was no longer the solid flesh of his youth; from arms to thighs, the shape of muscles showed beneath layers of fat that covered loose skin.Annoyed, she reworked her schedule: half an hour of calisthenics in the morning and a 15-minute massage in the evening before bed. She began to consult medical books and fashion magazines, and began to pay attention to her waistline.She makes juices, takes occasional laxatives, and washes dishes in rubber gloves.Two of her preoccupations—rejuvenating her body and renovating her house—turned out to be one, so she finally reached a dead point...the world seemed to stand still, suspended from aging and decay...she's now seriously at the swimming pool Taking classes to improve her figure, beauty magazines drew her attention to frequently repeated prescriptions.Ginger Rogers confided: "I brush my hair 100 times every morning; it takes exactly two and a half minutes, and my hair is silky..." How do you get your ankles slim?Lift your body on your toes every day, don't let your heels touch the ground; This kind of exercise only takes a minute, so what is a minute a day?Also, wash your nails with oil, or wash your hands with lemon, or apply mashed grass to your cheeks. Here again, routine turns beauty concerns and wardrobe maintenance into tedious drudgery.All growths have a fear of devaluation, and this fear in certain frigid or frustrated women will also give rise to a fear of life itself: they strive to maintain themselves as others maintain furniture or canned goods.This passive obstinacy makes them the enemy of their own existence, or makes them hostile to other people or things: food destroys the figure, wine damages the complexion, laughs too much and produces wrinkles, and the sun damages the skin. Sleep makes one dull, work wears one out, love makes dark circles under the eyes, kisses make cheeks red, caresses make breasts emaciated, embraces wither flesh, motherhood makes countenance and figure ugly.We all know how exasperated a young mother is when she avoids a child who takes a particular interest in her ball gown: "Don't touch me with your greasy hands, you'll stain my clothes!" A coquettish woman is equally likely to reject the advances of her husband or lover.She wanted to protect herself from men, from the world, from time, as one protects furniture with a cover. But none of these precautions will prevent gray hair and crow's feet.A woman knows from a young age that this fate is inevitable.Although she was careful everywhere, accidents would happen: wine spilled on her clothes, cigarettes burned her clothes; This marks the disappearance of the regal and jovial figure in the ballroom with the haughty smile, for she now has a matronly serious expression; and it is suddenly clear that her dress is not A group of works of art, like fireworks, burst into light in an instant, with a moment of brilliant light.Rather it is a wealth, a capital, a commodity, an investment; it means sacrifice; losing it is real disaster.Stains, cracks, poor workmanship, ugly haircuts, are more serious accidents than burnt barbecues, and broken vases; , and she felt the threat directly after all.Her relationship with the tailor and the milliner, her irritability, her demandingness—it all points to her earnestness and insecurity.A well-made gown makes her the figure of her dreams; but outdated or inappropriate clothing makes her feel like a vagabond.Marie Bashkirchev tells us that her sense of humor, her mannerisms and facial expressions, all depended on her gown; when she was dressed inappropriately, she felt embarrassed and banal, and thus ashamed.Many women would rather miss an opportunity than go out dressed inappropriately, even if they don't draw attention to themselves. Some women claim that they "dress up for themselves," but we have seen that even in narcissism there is an implicit intent to be admired by others.Women who love to dress up can never be fully satisfied without being seen, unless they are mentally ill. ; usually they want a witness.Tolstoy's wife, after ten years of marriage, still wanted to be admired.She loved ribbons and ornaments, wished to wave her hair; if no one was looking, she would ask, what's the matter?And she felt as if she was going to cry. Husbands are not good at playing this witness role.In this regard, his demands remain ambiguous.If his wife was too attractive, he would feel jealous; but all husbands are a bit like King Cantaly in some way; "Justified"; otherwise, he is likely to be unhappy and sarcastic when guests are present.We have seen that in marriage, the sexual value and the social value are not completely reconcilable, and this opposition is also reflected in this respect.From the husband's point of view, a wife's emphasis on sexuality shows that she is low; any desires that may arise.If his wife was plainly dressed, he would approve, but not enthusiasm: he found her unattractive and vaguely felt that she was to blame.Because of this, he rarely sees her personally; he sees her through someone else's eyes. "What would people say about her?" His guess couldn't be right, because he thought other people would hold his own opinion as a husband. Nothing infuriates a woman more than a husband who envies another woman's clothes and manners and criticizes her for having the same clothes and manners.And it must be added that he was too near to see her; her face was always the same to him; Neither noticed.Even an adoring husband or passionate lover tends to pay no attention to a woman's dress.If they were passionately in love with her naked, the best-fitting dress would only conceal her; well-groomed, worn-out, or dazzling, she was equally lovely to them.If they don't like her anymore, it won't help to put on the most flattering clothes.Clothing can be a weapon of conquest, but not of defense; its art is in the illusion, it furnishes a visible imaginary object; but in the embrace of the flesh, as in the familiar everyday life, all Illusions recede from sight; conjugal affection, like physical love, exists on the plane of reality.A woman is dressing the man she loves.In one of her novels, Dorothy Parker describes a young wife eagerly awaiting her husband's return from vacation; for this she resolves to be attractive: She bought a new dress, black—he likes black clothes; simple, he likes plain clothes; so expensive that she doesn't want to think about its price... "Do you like my clothes?" "Oh yes," he said, "I've always liked that dress on you." She seemed to be frozen. "This dress," she said methodically, in a decidedly insulting tone, "is a brand new item. I've never worn it before. If you're interested, I'll tell you that I bought it just for today." here." "I'm sorry, honey," he said, "oh, yes, I see now that it's not that dress at all. I think it's wonderful, and I like you in black." "At times like this," she said, "I almost wish I was wearing it for some other reason." It is often said that women dress up to arouse the envy of other women, which is actually a sure sign of success; But that's not the only purpose.What she wants, by being envied, envied, or admired, is absolute affirmation of her beauty, her elegance, her taste—of herself;For this she suffers a agonizing position of dependence; a matron's devotion is useful even if it is not recognized; coquettish efforts are wasted if they are not noticed.She wants a definite opinion of herself, and this absolute demand frets her search; a simple reproach makes the hat ugly; praise cheers her, but failure ruins her; As absolutely proven only by an endless series of examples, she will never achieve final success.This is why fashionable women, coquettish women, are so vulnerable; and it is why some beautiful and highly admirable women are sadly convinced that they are neither beautiful nor elegant, but lack an unknown The reason for the final praise of the judges; for their aim is the eternal state of being (en-soi) which cannot be attained.These ultra-chic women are rare indeed, and they themselves are the embodiment of the laws of elegance, they are impeccable, because it is they who prescribe success and failure in terms of approval; and when their laws tolerate them, they can be regarded as paragons of success.Unfortunately, this success is of no use to anyone. Dressing up also means going out and entertaining; as such, that is its original purpose.In order to show off her new dress, the woman went from parlour to parlour to invite other women to see how she prepared herself.On some particularly formal occasions, she asked her husband to accompany her; but usually he was at work while she was fulfilling her "social duties."The utter boredom of this duty has been described a thousand times.This situation is to be explained by the fact that women who are brought together by their social "duties" have nothing worth mentioning to each other.No common interest unites the lawyer's wife and the doctor's wife—or Dr. Doe's wife and Dr. Roy's wife.Talking about your child's mischief or difficulties with chores is not a good sign in general conversation.So the woman is left to comment on the weather and the latest bestseller, or perhaps to say some common general idea borrowed from her husband.The custom of holding family dinners is gradually disappearing, but the numerous and tiresome duty of visiting persists in France.In the United States, bridge is often used instead of conversation, and this is only beneficial to women who like to play this game. But social life does have a more engaging side than this tiresome fulfillment of traditional responsibilities.The connotation of receiving guests is not just to welcome others to a woman's own home; it makes the dwelling place an enchanting place;The hostess displays her wealth: silver, linen, glass; she arranges flower arrangements. The flower arrangement, though short-lived and useless, symbolizes the needless extravagance of a party marked by costly extravagance; blooms in vases doomed to wither early, they take the place of bonfires, smoked fires, and myrrh, sacrificial Wine and offerings.The tables were filled with delicacies and precious wines.The intention was to invent elegant gifts that would satisfy guests while anticipating their desires; dining became a mystical ritual.Virginia Woolf emphasizes this aspect in a passage from Mrs. Dalloway: So maids in aprons and white hats, and unnecessary maids, began to shuttle back and forth through the revolving door, silently and gracefully; The mystery or grand deception run by the hostesses is so familiar that with a wave of the hand the shuttle ceases and is replaced first by the great illusion of food (without paying for as much as it is eaten); then the table unfolds at random , with groves, pads, and red fruit supports; thin brown cream covered flounder; casserole soaked with split chickens; colorful fires burning that are not comparable to ordinary homes; With the arrival of the payment), the eyes that had been thinking just now shone with joy; to these elegant and deep eyes, life seemed to be as beautiful and mysterious as music. The woman who manipulates these mystics takes great pride in seeing herself as the creator of perfect moments, the bestower of happiness and joy. It is through her that guests come together and things happen; she is a gratuitous source of joy and harmony. This is exactly how Mrs Dalloway felt: But if Peter said to her: "Yes, yes, but your parties—what's the point of your parties?" Sirs live in Southington; some in Bayswater, north; others, perhaps in the noble quarters of London.She thought how desolate she felt when she thought of them day and night; how pitiful she felt; how wonderful it would be if only they could be together;It's a treat; it's for getting together, it's for creating; but for whom? Maybe a treat for a treat's sake.Either way, it was her dedication anyway.She has nothing else... Anyone could do it; but she did have a bit of admiration for such people, and she couldn't help thinking that she had done it after all. If there is only generosity in this service to others, this gathering is indeed a gathering.However, under the influence of social conventions, celebrations were quickly turned into institutions, gifts were turned into obligations, and gatherings were elevated to the status of etiquette.When the guests enjoyed the feast, she, the guest, had to think that she would have to throw a similar feast in return: she often complained that her hospitality was too extravagant. "X's party was just trying to impress us a little bit," she said to her husband, somewhat displeased.I have heard, for example, that during the last war tea parties in small Portuguese towns became very extravagant parties, because every time the hostess felt it was her duty to make her pastries, both in kind and in quantity, more than last time; The expense of such parties became so expensive that one day all the women agreed that nothing but tea be served at future parties. At this point, throwing a party loses its grandeur of generosity and becomes a heavy obligation; banquet supplies only cause trouble: glassware and tablecloths must be tended to, champagne and sweets in sufficient quantities; Cups, burnt upholstery spell disaster; must be cleaned up the next day to put things in order.The wife is afraid of this kind of work.She felt that various forms of submission were the unmistakable marks of the housewife's destiny: she would submit to soufflés, roasts, butchers, cooks, and helpers; she would submit to her husband, grimacing at some difficulty; she would submit For the guests, to size up the furniture and wine, and to judge whether the party was a success. 只有慷慨而自信的女人，才会安然经受住这种考验。成功能给她们带来很大满足。但是许多人在这方面和达洛威夫人一样，她们热爱这些胜利，这些外表，以及它们的辉煌和刺激，可是也感到它们的空虚。如果对待它们过于认真，女人就不可能真正地享受它们；此外，她将会受永远无法满足的虚荣心的折磨。而且只有为数极少的女人才是幸运的，她们能够让社交功能完全占据她们的生活。那些完全献身于社会的人，通常不仅想把它变成一种自我崇拜的迷信，而且想超越这种聚会生活，力求达到更崇高的目标：真正的沙龙有着文学的或政治的特征。女人权力以这种方式取得对男人的优势并发挥她们个人的作用。她们摆脱了已婚女人的状况。后者极难在她有时得到的短暂快活和胜利中获得自我实现，因为这对于她来说，确实往往不但意味着消遣，也意味着疲劳。社交生活要求她“装门面”，要求她把自己摆在展览的地位，而不是要求她和她自己及她和他人之间有任何真正的沟通。它不能让她摆脱孤独状态。 “想想也真可悲，”米什莱写道，“女人，这个相对的人，只能作为夫妻中的一员来生活，她往往比男人孤独。他广交朋友，不断有新的接触。她若无家庭则什么也不是。而家庭是一种摧残人的负担；它的全部重量都压在她的肩上。”的确，女人在受束缚和孤独的情况下，不会懂得旨在共同追求某个目标的同志情谊所带来的快活；她的工作并没有占据她的头脑，她受的教育既没给她带来独立的欲望，也没带来应用它的经验，虽然如此，她仍在孤独中度日。 婚姻可能使她远离了她父母的家庭，远离了她年轻时的朋友，而要通过结识新的朋友和家信来弥补这种背井离乡，是很难做到的。在年轻妻子和她父母的家庭之间，可能往往没有真正的亲密关系，哪怕是离得很近：她的母亲和她的姐妹都不是她的真正的朋友。现在许多年轻的夫妇，由于没有住房，常和他们的父母兄弟姐妹住在一起；但这种万不得已的联合对新娘来说，永远不可能成为真正友谊的根源。 女性的友谊若能成功地建立或保持下去，对女人来说是十分宝贵的，但这种友谊同两个男人之间的关系在性质上有很大差别。男人在设计自己的个人兴趣和想法，在作为个人进行交往，女人却被限制在她们共同的女性命运之内，被某种内在的同谋关系捆在一起。她们在她们中间首先想肯定的是她们共同的世界。她们不去讨论意见和一般想法，但是却交换私人秘密和食谱；她们要联合起来创造一个相反的世界，这个世界的价值要胜过男性的价值。由于集体的力量，她们获得了抖掉枷锁的能力；她们彼此承认自己的性冷淡，否定男性的性支配，同时嘲笑男人的欲望或他们的粗俗；而且她们热嘲冷讽，对她们丈夫的和一般男人的道德和智力的优势提出疑问。 她们比较体验；怀孕、生育、她们自己的和孩子们的疾病，成为人类历史的主要事件。 她们的工作不是一门技术，在传递烹调处方之类时，她们赋予它们一种基于口授传统而形成的神秘科学的尊严。有时她们也讨论道德问题。妇女杂志的通讯专栏为她们谈话的内容提供了很好的例证；人们很难想像只为男人开辟一个“孤独的心”专栏；男人在这个世界上相识，这是他们的世界；而女人却不得不确定、估量和探索自己的特殊领域；她们的报道特别涉及了美容顾问、烹调处方、编织指导；她们要求得到忠告；由于她们有饶舌痛和自我表现痛，有时产生了真正的焦虑。 女人知道男性规范并不是属于她的，知道男人想当然地认为，他既然怂恿她去堕胎、通好、做坏事、背叛和说谎（这些都是他在正式场合予以谴责的），她便不会去遵循这一规范。 因而她请求其他女人帮助确定一套“地方法规”，姑且先这么说吧，一种特别为女性提供的道德规范。女人对她们朋友的行为没完没了的评论和批评，并不单单是出于恶意；为了评判别人并调整自己的行 为，女人比男人更需要道德上的独创性。 只有女人之间关系所蕴含的真诚才可以赋予这种关系以价值。面对着男人，女人总是在做戏；她在假装不愿意接受她的次要的他者（theinessentialOther）地位时，是在说谎； 她在通过模仿、服装和学来的警句送给他一个想像中的人物时，也是在说谎。这些戏剧表演要求经常保持紧张状态；和丈夫或情人在一起时，每个女人都或多或少意识到这种想法：“我也许不是我自己了”；男性世界苛刻而锐利，它的声音太宏亮，光线太生硬，接触则是粗野的。 和别的女人在一起时，女人处在幕后；地磨刀霍霍，但没有去战斗；她整理服装，准备化妆，运筹帷幄；在登台之前，她穿着晨衣和拖鞋在舞台两侧闲逛；她喜欢这温暖、轻松、松弛的气氛。在《军帽》里，柯莱特为我们展示了两个朋友边宁静地缝制衣服、边讨论这项工作的小小细节，交换私人的小秘密，练习使用新化妆品的情形。和这一宁静场面相对比的是，为一个朋友和年轻男人见面做准备的场面。那气氛要严肃些；不能流泪：注意化妆！没买件新衣服，真可惜；必须借双漂亮的丝袜；必须决定戴不戴花；有那么多的问题！这时女人们相互帮助，讨论她们的社交问题，每个人都在为他人营造保护窝；她们说的做的都是出于真诚。 对于有些女人，这种温暖而轻佻的亲密关系，比之和男人的十分做作的关系，更为可贵。 就和少女时代一样，自恋者在别的女人身上找到了一个有特权的替身；正是通过别人的周密的、可以胜任的观察力，她才能够羡慕自己的剪裁得十分合体的长袍，羡慕自己的美妙的“小天地”。结婚以后，她最要好的朋友仍是受宠的见证人；于是，她也可能继续是一个令人满意的客体，并且是一个被人渴望的客体。如我所说，几乎每一个少女都有同性恋倾向，丈夫的拥抱往往笨拙，不会把这种倾向抹掉；这是女人和她的密友在～起时之所以能够感到那种肉欲的甜密（那种感情在普通男人身上没有等价物）的根本原因。这种肉欲的依恋，在两个女朋友之间，可能升华为崇高的情操，或者可能通过到处抚摸或具有明确的性的含义的抚摸表现出来。她们的调情也可能只不过是一种闲暇的娱乐（后宫女人的情况便是如此，她们主要关心的是消磨时间），或者可能有着十分重要的含义。 然而，女人的伙伴感情极少能上升为真正的友谊。女人觉得她们的团结比男人的团结更有自发性；但是在这样的团结中，每一个人的超越都不能指向他人，因为她们共同面对着男性世界，她们每一个人都希望独自垄断其价值。她们之间的关系并不是建立在她们个性的基础上，而是一种直接的共同体验，所以立刻会由此产生出敌意的因素。在中，娜塔莎深深地依恋着她家里的女人，因为她要让她们为她生儿育女作见证，但她对她们也怀有嫉妒之情，因为在皮埃尔面前，她们每个人都可能成为女人的化身。女人的相互理解，是由于她们彼此认同这个事实引起的；但是基于同一理由，每一个人都会反对其他的人。主妇同女仆的关系，要比任何男人同男仆或司机的关系更为密切——除非他是同性恋者；她们交换私人秘密，有时她们是同谋；但她们之间也有势不两立的竞争，因为女主人既想摆脱实际工作，又想有着这一工作带来的责任和荣誉；她希望别人认为她是不能取代的，不可或缺的。 她非常苛刻，对仆人百般挑剔责难，或者想这么做；如果仆人把活儿子得太好，女主人就会失去自命为唯一者的满足感。同样，她和教师、管家、护士、看孩子的保姆以及帮她干活的亲戚朋友也会不断发生争执；其借口是她们不．尊重她的“愿望”，未按照她的“想法”去做。 实际上，她既没有她所特有的愿望，也没有她所特有的想法；相反，令她苦恼的是，别人在履行她的职责时是那么严格，就跟她似的。这是各种家庭争执毒化家庭生活的主要原因之一： 当缺乏让她的独特资格家喻户晓的手段时，每一个女人都会愈发迫切地要求成为主权者。 但是，在卖俏和爱情方面，每一个女人尤其把其他一切女人都看做敌人。我曾提到过少女中存在的那种竞争类型，这种竞争往往会持续一生。我们已经看到，时髦女人和“社会名流”的理想是得到绝对的评价；如果任何时候失去光彩，她会十分痛苦；她讨厌看到在别人头上环绕着哪怕是最微弱的光环，她要夺走别人得到的任何嘉奖；如果绝对不是独一无二的，她又是什么呢？真心实意地陷入情网的女人，会因驾驭了情人的心而满足；她将不会嫉妒她朋友的成功，但她会感到她的爱情在面临威胁。事实上，女人被她最要好的朋友出卖，这个主题并不仅仅是文学上的老生常谈；两个女人越是要好，她们的二元性就越是危险。女友被邀请以恋爱女人的眼光去看看，以她的心、她的肉体去感受一下；于是这个女友被那个情人所吸引，被勾引她朋友的那个男人弄得神魂颠倒。这个女友认为她的忠诚很好地保护了她，使她能够自由约束自己的感情，但她也讨厌只扮演次要角色，于是不久她就准备屈服了，准备献殷勤了。许多女人一旦恋爱，就开始谨慎地回避密友。这种矛盾心理使女人几乎不可能十分信任她们之间的相互感情。男性的阴影总是遮天蔽日地悬在她们头上。即使他没有被提及，圣·约翰·佩斯的这行诗也是适用的：“太阳虽未被提到，但他的存在就在我们之间。” 女人们单独在一起时，她们会报复男人，给他设置陷阱，诅咒他，侮辱他——但她们也在等待他。只要呆在没有男人的地方，她们便会受偶然性的左右，感到无精打采和穷极无聊。 这监牢仍有一点母亲胸脯般的温暖——但毕竟是所监牢。女人只有在可以预知能早日走出的情况下，才会悠闲快活地呆在那里。这时她会乐于处在浴室温暖的潮湿中，只要她认为她很快就要走进灯火辉煌的客厅。在被监禁时，女人彼此是同志，她们互相帮助，共同忍受她们的监禁生活，甚至互相帮助，准备一起逃跑；但她们的解放者将是来自于男人的世界。 对于大多数女人来说，这个男性世界在结婚以后仍保持着魔力，只是丈夫失去了他的威望；妻子发现，在她的标本当中，男人的纯粹本质被降了格。但男人仍是宇宙的真理，最高的权威，奇迹，主人，眼睛，猎物，快乐，冒险和救世主；他仍是超越的化身，是回答所有问题的人。连最忠诚的妻子也不会同意放弃这个奇迹，把自己给封闭起来，同一个偶然的、有限的个人进行迟钝的交流。她从小就十分需要引导者；当丈夫不能承担这一角色时，她便会转向别的男人。有时她的父亲、兄弟、叔叔，或其他亲属、某个老朋友，一直保持着自己的威望；她将会去依靠他。 但是有两类男人，他们的职业尤其注定他们可以成为倾听吐露秘密的人和指导者：神父和医生。第一类男人有着巨大的优势，因为他们提供忠告而又不收费；他们在听忏悔时一筹莫展，不得不任凭信徒东拉西扯；他们尽量避开人所共知的讨厌的人，但引导他们的羔羊沿着道德之路前进却是他们的责任，而当女人在社会和政治上显得比较重要时，这一责任尤其紧迫。“良心指导者”向他的忏悔者指明她应采纳的政治见解并控制她的选票。许多丈夫对他干涉他们的婚姻生活感到气愤，因为忏悔神父对卧室私事说长道短。他对教育子女很有兴趣； 他忠告做妻子的女人应该怎样处理她自己和丈夫的关系。总是把男人当做神去景仰的女人，欣喜若狂地跪在作为上帝在尘世的替身的那个男性的脚下。 医生因收取报酬而有良好的保护；对过于碍事的求诊者，他可以拒之门外。但是他也成为更为特别、更为顽固的攻击的对象；被性欲过于旺盛的女人追逐的男人，有3／4是医生。 在某男人面前～丝不挂，对许多女人是一种巨大的裸露快感。在这方面斯特克尔报告了许多实例：尤其是老处女，她们基于一些微不足道的原因，到医生那里要求做“非常全面的检查”，或者刚离开一个妇科医生，又去找另一个妇科医生，要求做“按摩”或“治疗”；有些性冷淡的妻子只有在做医学检查时才能感受到性高潮。 女人很愿意认为，她对之裸露身体的那个男人，已经对她的有魅力身体，或对她的美好灵魂，留下了深刻的印象，于是她病态地努力让自己相信，她被那个医生或教士给爱上了。 即使她是正常的，也会觉得那个男人和她个人之间有一种微妙的联系；她乐于体面地服从他的命令；更重要的是，有时她产生了一种安全感，这种安全感帮助她接受她不得不去过的生活。 然而，有些妻子并不满足于把道德权威当做生存支柱；她们的生活迫切需要一种浪漫的提升。如果既不想欺骗也不想离开自己的丈夫，她们就会和害怕有血有肉的男性的少女采取同样的做法——沉溺于热情的想像之中。斯特克尔在这方面也提供了各种例子。有一位颇有地位的受尊重的已婚女子，爱上了一个歌剧男高音。她送给他鲜花和条子，买他的照片，连做梦都会梦见他。但是当她有机会和他见面时，她却没有去；她不想得到他本人，而只想又爱着他，又仍去做忠实的妻子。还有个女人爱上了一个轰动一时的演员，她有一个房间，里面到处都是他的照片和有关他的资料。他去世时，她哀悼了一年。 我们都会对鲁道夫·瓦伦泰诺去世时所流下的眼泪记忆犹新。已婚女人和女孩子们都崇拜电影男主角。他们的形象或出现在自娱之时，或出现在夫妻性交胡思乱想之时。他们也可能重新唤起某种童年的回忆，扮演着祖父、兄弟。教师或诸如此类的角色。 但是妻子周围也有真正的、活生生的男人；无论她是得到了性满足，或是性冷淡，或是受挫，除了爱得彻底和绝对排他这些罕见情况，她都十分珍视他们的赞赏。丈夫的目光已习以为常，不再有激发她对自己想像力的力量；她需要的是，仍充满着神秘的眼睛也能发觉她是神秘的；她必须在主权意识面前取得自信，必须翻新她已退色的照片，必须恢复嘴边上的酒窝和睫毛上的举世无双的颤动；她只有被渴望和被爱，才可以做到令人满意。如果她在婚姻中被调适得非常好，那么她在其他男人身上所寻求的就会主要是虚荣心的满足；她邀请他们加入她的自我迷信；她是诱惑人的，取悦于人的，满足于梦想被禁爱情的，满足于想像“假如我想……”的。她宁肯让许多崇拜者着迷，也不愿意深深地依恋他们当中的某一个人；她比少女更热情，更不怕羞，她卖弄风情是要男性进一步向她证实，她已经意识到她的价值和力量。她常常愈发有恃无恐，因为，她已经停泊在家里并且已经成功地征服了一个男人，继续玩这种游戏，对她来说既没有多大希望，也没有多少风险。 在或长或短地经过一段忠诚期之后，妻子也可能不再限于这种仅仅打情骂俏和卖弄风情的行为。她下决心欺骗丈夫，往往是由于怨恨。阿德勒坚持认为，女人的不忠永远是报复的一种方式。这话未免言过其实，但毫无疑问，她往往并不屈从于情人的诱惑，而是屈服于想公然反抗丈夫的欲望：“他不是天下唯一的男人——别的男人也会发现我有吸引力，我不是他的奴隶；他自以为很聪明，但他也会受到愚弄。”在妻子的心目中，可能被藐视的丈夫仍有着头等重要的地位；正如少女有时为了反抗她的母亲，为了挑剔她的父母，为了违抗父母之命，为了维护她自己的权利，而去找情人那样，对丈夫感到怨恨的妻子，也会企图把她的情人当做知己，当做她佯装受害者的见证人，当做贬损她丈夫的同谋。她不断地和他议论她的丈夫，假装煽起情人的轻蔑之意；除非情人把他的角色扮演得非常好，否则她会气哼哼地掉头不再理他。她会要么重新回到丈夫的身边，要么再找一个安慰者。但是，往往不是怨恨，而是失望，把她抛进了情人的怀抱；她在婚姻中不曾得到过爱，而让自己听天由命，让自己永远不去领略年轻时就若痴若狂向往的兴奋和快活，她又发觉这很难。对于令人沮丧的女人来说，由于各种性满足的权利都被剥夺，由于拒绝承认她们在感情上有自由和个性，婚姻将以无可避免和不无讽刺意味的辩证关系，把她们引向通好。蒙田在《论维吉尔的几首诗》一文中说： 我们从童年就对她们进行爱的方面的教育。她们的魅力，她们的衣着，她们的知识，她们的语言，她们受到的全部教诲，都无助于其他目的。她们的家庭女教师，除了爱的观念，什么也没有让她们铭记在心，即使完全基于这种理由：经常在她们面前坚持这个观念，以使她们对这个观念感到厌恶……那么，试图在女人身上压抑一种对她们来说是如此强烈、如此自然的欲望，也是愚蠢的。 恩格斯也说： 随着一夫一妻变得经久不衰，出现了两种特有的社会人物：妻子的情人和戴绿帽子的丈夫。……随着一夫一妻制和公开纳妾，通奸成为一种不可避免的社会制度，虽然加以禁止、严惩，但终不能制止。 如果夫妻做爱激起了妻子的好奇心却未能满足她的感官，她就很可能会在别人的床上完成她的教育。如果丈夫成功地唤起了她的性欲，她就会希望和别人共享这种快感，因为她对他没有任何特殊的依恋感。 道德家哀叹对情人的这种偏爱，而我则已描述了资产阶级文学中的那种企图恢复丈夫形象的做法；但是，若是想证明从社会角度来看，即从其他男人的角度来看，他往往比他的对手优越，并用这种看法对他加以保护，这则是荒谬的。这里重要的是，他究竟在多大程度上指望他的妻子。有两种特征使他成为她所讨厌的人。首先，他承担了始作俑者这样一个出力不讨好的角色；传统处女的要求是矛盾的，她既想被蹂躏又想被尊重，这样就使他几乎必然要受到失败的惩罚；所以她在他的怀抱中永远是性冷淡的。和情人在一起，她不会感到夺走处女贞操的那种恐怖，也不会感到被蹂躏所引起的严重羞辱；她避免了意外造成的精神创伤： 她知道该期望什么；她比新婚之夜更坦然，更不容易冒犯，更老练，她不再迷惘于理想之爱与肉欲、情感和性感受之间。当她有情人时，情人是她真正需要的。 这种精明是她自由选择的一个方面。因为使丈夫处于不利地位的第二个令人讨厌的特征是，他通常是被强加的，而不是被选择的。他的妻子要么把他当做最后的依靠予以接受，要么被她的家庭移交给他；不管怎样，她即使为了爱情嫁给他，也仍要让他成为她的主人；他们的关系变成了一种义务，她往往逐渐感到他是个暴君。无疑选择情人也要受到环境的限制，但在这种关系中存在着自由的因素；结婚是一种义务，有情人则是一种奢侈。妻子因情人的乞求而委身，所以她即使无法确信他的爱，也至少确信他的欲望；这里所发生的情况并不是一个服从法律的问题。由于情人的诱惑力和威望不会被日常生活的摩擦弄钝，他还有一种优势：他依然是单独的，是一个他人。于是，她也会感到在他们俩会面时她摆脱了日常的自我，在生活中获得了新的丰富：她觉得自己是另一个人，是一个新的女人。这就是某些女人在私通中首先追求的：被他人弄得全神贯注、出乎意料和忘乎所以。当破裂来临时，她们感到空虚和绝望。雅内报告的某些精神病学实例向我们表明了，在遭受损失时，女人在情人身上寻求和得到了什么： 一个39岁的女人，由于被一个作家抛弃，十分绝望；这个作家让她和他一起工作了5年。她写道，他的生活是那么丰富，他是那么专横，以至她完全被他占有，任何别的事都不能想。还有一个女人，年龄有五岁，她从关系破裂后就开始生病；她希望她成为他书桌上的墨水瓶，这仅仅是为了能够看到他。她解释说，她一直很厌烦；她丈夫什么也不懂，从未让她操心过精神方面的事情，对什么也不理解，也不会让她感到惊奇；他一点也不懂得人之常情。但她的情人却是一个令人惊叹的人，从不动感情，冷漠得让人委屈得要死。而且还大胆、sang-froid［沉着〕、机智、思想敏捷，这些令她困惑不已。 有些女人只是在私通伊始，才会感到这种丰富和欢悦的兴奋；如果她的情人未能立刻给她带来快感（这是常有的事，因为两个性伙伴最初感到害怕，尚不能相互适应），她便会产生怨恨和憎恶；她可能会变成美莎丽娜式的人物，并参与许多桃色事件，走马灯似的换一个又一个情人。但是女人也可能受到失败婚姻的启示，此时她恰被适合于她的男人所吸引，因而在他们之间形成了一种长久的依恋关系。她往往因为这个情人属于和她丈夫完全相反的类型，而发觉他很有吸引力。毫无疑问，正是圣佩韦与维克多·雨果的鲜明对比，才吸引了阿黛尔——雨果的妻子。斯特克尔援引了一个女人的实例，她嫁给了一个粗俗野蛮、又强又壮的丈夫，他献的殷勤只能使她感到痛苦。她遇到了一个律师的秘书，这位秘书虚弱、文雅、和蔼可亲。他对她的关照可谓无微不至，而且他们发现他们在精神上有着共同的兴趣。这种亲密关系表明，他的相对虚弱力量可以消除她的性冷淡。她离了婚，紧接着他们马上结了婚，后来一直生活得很幸福；他仅仅用接吻和抚摸就可以让她达到性高潮，而她却一直被那身强力壮的丈夫指责为性冷淡！ 并非一切私通都有这种童话般的结局。也许正像少女梦想有一个解放者能够带她逃出她的家庭那样，妻子也在期望有一个情人能够让她摆脱婚姻的束缚。热情的情夫在他的情妇开始谈到要结婚时，一下子冷了下来并离她而去，这是人们经常使用的主题。在这个问题上，他的谨慎保留态度经常使她受到伤害，他们已有的关系，也由于怨恨和敌意而变糟。如果私通关系变得稳固，它往往会终于呈现出人们所熟悉的婚姻特征；那时它将会重现婚姻的所有弊端：无聊、嫉妒、算计、欺骗等等。而女人将会梦想让另一个男人，把她从这种常规中拯救出来。 而且，随着环境和习俗的木同，通奸的表现也极不相同。在我们这个依然存在父权传统的社会里，妻子对婚姻的不忠，似乎要比丈夫对婚姻的不忠可恨得多。Montaigne said: 对于堕落的鉴定是多么不工正啊！……我们判决和衡量我们堕落的标准，不是根据情理而是根据我们的利益，因此它们才具有如此不平等的形式。我们的严厉判决，使得女人对此种堕落的嗜好，成为一种比其性质所能证明的更令人难堪的罪过，而其涉及的后果比原因更恶劣。 我们已经考察过这一严厉性的初始原因：女人通奸有把陌生人的儿子带进家庭的危险，因而有骗取合法继承人地位的危险；丈夫是主人，妻子是他的财产。社会的变迁，节育的实行，已经使这些动机因素基本上失去了影响力。但是，由于让女人处于依附地位的连续意志（thecontinuingwill），一直包围她的禁令将永远存在。她时常把它们内在化了；她对丈夫的婚姻越轨行为视而不见，不过她的宗教、她的道德、她的“贞操”，不允许她这一方有同样的越轨行为。周围环境所硬性形成的约束力（尤其是在新旧大陆的小镇），对她要比对她的丈夫严厉得多；他外出较多，他旅行，所以他的弱点更能得到纵容；她则要冒着失去名誉和失去已婚女人地位的危险。人们常常描述女人成功地挫败这种监视的计谋，而我本人就听说过，在一个风格陈旧简朴的葡萄牙小镇，年轻的妻子们根本不出门，除非有婆婆和丈夫的姐妹陪同；但是理发师出租房间，情人们可以在那里享受短暂的约会。在大城市，妻子极少有看守者；但是小范围的新交对不正当的感情几乎不那么有利。由于仓促和秘密，通好创造不出有人情味的自由友谊；它所包含的欺诈，其结局往往是毁掉婚姻的全部尊严。 今天，许多圈子里的女人都有某种程度的性自由；但是婚姻生活同性满足的协调对她们仍是一个难题。既然婚姻不能普遍包括肉欲之爱，十分坦诚地把它们分开就似乎是合理的。 人们一般认为，男人可以做一个优秀的丈夫，可他又是轻浮的：他的性插曲实际上并不会妨碍他和妻子的和睦生活。这种和睦甚至会更纯洁，更无矛盾心理，如果她不象征着束缚的话。 我们也可以对妻子作出同样的让步；的确，她常希望分享丈夫的生活，为孩子做一个窝，然而她又想体验别人的爱情。通奸之所以可耻，是因为虚伪和谨慎必然会损害名誉；而基于自由和真诚达成的契约将可以消除婚姻的缺陷。 可是也必须承认，当今那句令人恼火的套话——“这对女人不是一回事”，仍有某种真理性。有关上述差别的说法没有一种是自然的。有人坚持认为，女人不像男人那么需要性活动，但对不存在的东西不能持确信无疑的态度；受压抑的女人会变成泼妇，虐待的母亲，狂热的主妇，不幸和危险的人。但不管怎样，即使女人的欲望并非时常出现，这也根本不应当成为认为满足这些欲望实属多余的理由。 这种差别存在于男女性爱的整个处境，正如它取决于传统和当代社会。女人的爱情行为仍被认为是她向男人提供的服务，因而他似乎是她的主人。如我们所见，他永远可以占用一个身为低劣者的女人，但如果女人委身于一个社会地位在她之下的男性，则是可耻的；她的同意在这两种情况下都属于屈服和堕落。妻子欣然接受她的丈夫占有其他女人这个事实；她甚至可能自鸣得意：有些女人走得更远，甚至会模仿德·蓬帕杜尔夫人，扮演起拉皮条者的角色。另一方面，女人在情人的怀抱中变成客体。猎物；在她丈夫看来，她似乎被外来的超自然力占有，她不再属于他，他被剥夺了拥有她的权利。实际上，她在床上常常触摸自己、希求自己，因而她是被支配的。然而由于男性的威望，她实际上也倾向于认可并模仿那个曾经完全占有她的其他男性，在她的心目中他是整个男人的化身。丈夫认为他所熟悉的她那里听到一个陌生人思想的回音时，会非常恼火，但并非没有道理——他几乎感到自已被占有了，被蹂躏了。如果德·夏里埃夫人和年轻的本杰明·贡斯当决裂（如我们看到的，他在和两个男性化的女人的关系中，扮演女性化的角色），那是因为她不能忍受他身上有德·史达尔夫人的实属可恨的影响。只要女人使自己变成奴隶，并且是她所“委身于”的那个男人的反映，她就必须承认这一事实：她的不忠行为比她丈夫的不忠行为有更大的破坏性。 她即使维护了自己的完整性，也仍然会有她的情人认为她同她丈夫达成妥协的危险。妻子甚至很可能觉得，若是委身于另一个男人（哪怕只有一次，匆匆忙忙地，在沙发上），她便会取得超出她合法配偶的优越地位。一个男人若是相信自己已经占有了他的情妇，他就会更有理由认为他愚弄了她的丈夫。这就是有的作家有时把他的女主人公描写成她有意选择一个下层社会情人的原因；她在他身上寻求肉欲满足，而不是希望给他带来一种超乎有身份的丈夫之上的优越地位。马罗在《人的命运》中为我们描写了这样一对儿夫妇，他们达成了一个相互给予充分自由的协议；可是当梅告诉乔说，她和一个朋友睡了觉时，他十分痛苦，觉得那个男人将会自以为他已经“占有”了她；乔决定尊重她的独立性，因为他十分清楚，无论何时没有一个人能够占有任何一个人；但是另一个男人的自鸣得意的想法，却通过梅伤害并羞辱了他。人们往往把自由女人和放荡女人混为一谈。情人自己也容易对他从中获益的自由产生误解；他宁肯相信他的情妇已经屈服了，已经听任摆布了，他已经征服并诱惑了她。一个有自尊心的女人可以听任她性伙伴的虚荣心的摆布，但她将会发觉，让体面的丈夫不得不忍受这个性伙伴的傲慢，是一件可惜的事。让女人在平等意义上和男人共同行动确实很难，只要这种平等未得到普遍承认并得到具体实现。 在任何情况下，通好、友谊和社交都只不过是婚姻生活的转移；它们对忍受婚姻生活的约束可以起到帮助作用，但不可能予以消除。它们是一种不安全的逃避，根本不会让女人真正掌握自己的命运。