Chapter 25 The First Half of Daidoji Shinsuke's Life——A Picture of Thought

The First Half of Daidoji Shinsuke's Life——A Picture of Thought Akutagawa Ryunosuke ① ①The head office was originally one of the thirty-five wards of Tokyo, and now belongs to Sumida District, Tokyo, which is a depression on the east bank of the Sumida River. Daidoji Nobusuke is near the Huixiangyuan of the main office②.As far as he could remember, there was not a single street here that left a beautiful impression on him, nor a beautiful house, especially in the vicinity of his house, where there were carpenters who specialized in cellar safes, pastry shops, Used furniture store or something.The road in front of these people is muddy all the year round, and at the end of this road is the big ditch of Yuzhucang③.This big ditch with green algae floating in it is often smelly.Of course he couldn't help feeling depressed about these streets.However, the streets outside his home made him even more unhappy.Starting from Yamanote, which is mostly non-commercial households, to the area of ​​Shitamachi ⑤, which is lined with neat shops and inherited from the Edo period, he felt a certain kind of oppression.Compared with Hongo and Nihombashi⑥, he prefers the quiet Honjo. He loves Honjo's Huishouin Temple, Komazhi Bridge, Hengwang, Drainage Canal, Hazelwood Horse Farm, and the big water ditch in Mitakekura. .This is not so much love as it may be closer to pity.However, even if it is pity, even today, thirty years later, these places still appear in his dreams...

②Huixiangyuan is a Buddhist temple, located in Motomachi, Honjo.Huixiang is a Buddhist language, which means praying for the blessings of the dead. ③ Mitake warehouse, also known as Yuzhuzang, is near the Sumida River of the main office. ④The hand of the mountain means Gaogang, here refers to the Bunkyo and Shinjuku districts in Tokyo, and it was an official in the Meiji era.intellectual residence. ⑤Shitamachi means the lower street, here refers to the commercial districts in Taito, Chiyoda, Chuo, and Minato in Tokyo since the Edo period. ⑥Nihonbashi was originally one of the thirty-five districts of Tokyo, and now it belongs to the central district of Tokyo, and is the center of finance and commerce.There is a bridge with the same name here.

Since the day Shinsuke was sensible, he has always loved the streets of the main office.The streets of our headquarters, which don't even have street trees, are often dusty.However, it was the town of Honjo that taught young Shinsuke the beauty of nature.He is a young man who grew up eating rough snacks in a crowded street with narrow roads.For him who had received this kind of training, the countryside—especially the countryside with many rice fields and located east of the head office did not arouse his great interest.This is because what he sees around him is not so much natural beauty as natural ugliness.However, even if the streets of Honjo lack natural scenery, the grass dotted on the roofs and the spring clouds reflecting in the puddles all show him outstanding beauty.He fell in love with nature unconsciously because of these beauties.But it wasn't just the streets of our office that gradually opened his eyes to the beauty of nature.Books—Nature and Life by Tokutomi Ashika, which he had loved in elementary school, and a translation of La Pocke's "On the Beauty of Nature"—certainly inspired him.However, it is still the streets of our office that have influenced him the most in understanding nature.Whether it's people, trees, or traffic, it's a very shabby street!

①Tokutomi Ashika (1868-1927), a Japanese writer. ②Lubbock (1834-1913), British archaeologist and anthropologist. In fact, it was still the very shabby streets of our institute that had the greatest impact on his understanding of nature.He later often made short trips to various parts of the state.However, the rough Kiso ③ nature often made him uneasy.The nature of the beautiful Seto Inland Sea ④ often makes him tired and bored.Compared with these natures, he prefers the poor nature.Especially love those natures that have survived artificial civilization.Thirty years ago, the office still has this kind of beauty everywhere—the willow trees in the drainage canal, the square in the courtyard, and the forest of miscellaneous trees in the imperial bamboo warehouse.Instead of going to Nikko ⑤ and Kamakura ⑥ like his friends, he took a walk around his house with his father every morning.This was a great happiness for Shinsuke at the time, but he was embarrassed to tell his friends about this happiness triumphantly.

③ Kiso, also known as Kiso Valley, is located in the valley area of ​​the upper reaches of the Kiso River in the southwest of Nagano Prefecture, Honshu, Japan. ④The Seto Inland Sea is an inland sea surrounded by Japan's Honshu, Shikoku and Kyushu, with more than 3,000 islands scattered. ⑤Nikko is a city in Miki Prefecture, Japan, where there is Nikko National Park. ⑥ Kamakura is a city in the southeast of Kanagawa Prefecture, Japan, where the Kamakura shogunate ruins and temples are located, and a scenic spot. One morning when Zhaohui was about to disappear, his father and he went for a walk in Baimuhang as usual.Baimuhang on the bank of Dachuan① is the favorite place for fishermen.However, looking around this day, there was no fisherman in sight.Among the stone walls on the vast river bank, only the boats are slightly swaying.He wanted to ask his father why he couldn't see the fisherman this morning.However, before he could open his mouth, he suddenly found the answer.In the waves shaking the morning sun, there was a bald corpse floating among the foul-smelling waterweeds and the jagged wooden piles piled with rubbish on the riverside—he still vividly remembered the Baimuhang that morning.Thirty years ago, there are countless nostalgic images in the heart of the sentimental Shinsuke.And the picture of Baimuhang this morning became the whole of the spiritual shadow cast on the streets of our office!

① Okawa is another name for the lower reaches of Sumisan Sichuan, which flows through Tokyo. two milk Shinsuke was a boy who had never had his mother's milk.It turned out that the frail mother did not give him a drop of milk even after giving birth to his only son.Not only that, but due to the poverty of the family, hiring a wet nurse is also a matter of futile discussion.Therefore, from the time he was born, he was raised by eating milk.For Shinsuke at the time, this was a hateful fate.He despised the milk that was brought into the kitchen every morning.He envied those friends who at least knew how to drink mother's milk even if they didn't know anything.When he entered elementary school, the young aunt came, perhaps for New Year's greetings or something, and her breasts swelled uncomfortably.Squeeze the milk into the brass mouthwash cup, but no matter how hard you squeeze it, it won't come out.His aunt frowned, and half-jokingly said to him, "May I give milk to Xinwa?" However, since he grew up on milk, he certainly didn't know how to drink it.The aunt ended up getting the neighbor's kid, a carpenter's girl who worked as a cellar safe, to suck her hard breasts.Aunt's breasts, on the plump half ball, are covered with blue veins.Shinsuke was very shy, even if he could breastfeed, he would never suck his aunt's milk.But, no matter what, he still hated the girls next door.At the same time, he hated his aunt who suckled the neighbor's girl.This little incident left an embarrassing envy in his memory.But, besides this, his Vita sexualis1 may have begun at that time...

①Latin: sexual life. Shinsuke felt ashamed that he didn't know what mother's milk was except bottled milk.This is his secret.It is the secret of his life that must never be revealed to anyone.The secret was also combined with some superstition of his day.He was a terribly thin teenager with a big head.Not only is he shy, but he is also a boy who trembles even when he sees a sharp machete in a butcher shop.This point, especially this point, has no resemblance to his father, who passed through the bullets of the Fushimi Toba Battle② and was usually proud of his bravery.At any rate, he couldn't remember how old it was, or on what theory, but he was convinced that it was milk that made him unlike his father.Well, he was also convinced that his weakness was also due to the milk.If it was because of the milk that he showed weakness at the critical moment, his secret would be seen through by his friends.For this matter, he is always ready to accept the challenge of his friends.It goes without saying that this challenge never occurred once.Sometimes he jumped over the big ditch in Yuzhucang without using a pole.Sometimes without using a ladder, he also climbed up the tall ginkgo tree in the courtyard.Sometimes he would fight with one of his friends.When Shinsuke walked up to the ditch, he couldn't help but feel his knees shaking.But he pretended not to see it, so he jumped with all his strength and jumped over the water surface with green algae floating in it.This terror and hesitation would also overwhelm him when he climbed back up the tall ginkgo tree in the courtyard, when he and one of his friends were about to fight.But he conquered them bravely at this time.It may have been born of superstition, but it was certainly due to Spartan training.This spartan training left a scar on his right knee that would last a lifetime.His character may be——Shinsuke still remembers what his domineering father scolded him: "You just don't live up to it, and you don't have perseverance no matter what you do."

②The Battle of Toba, also known as the Battle of Toba Fushimi. In early 1868, the conservative faction of the Tokugawa shogunate clashed with the Satsuma and Choshu feudal factions in Toba and Homi on the outskirts of Kyoto. The government army defeated the enemy three times its size and ended the rule of the shogunate. But fortunately his superstition gradually faded away.Not only that, but he also found in the history of Europe something that seemed to disprove his superstition.A passage in the book says that it was a wolf who nursed Romulus, the founder of the Roman state.After that, he became further indifferent to the fact that he didn't know what his mother's milk was.And he was proud of eating milk.Shinsuke still remembered the spring when he entered junior high school, he and his elderly uncle went to the ranch run by his uncle at that time.He clearly remembered that he managed to climb up the cowshed, put his chest in the student uniform against the railing, and fed hay to the white cow that came up to him.The cow looked up into his face and quietly and gently put his nose out into the hay.He looked at the cow's face, and suddenly found that there was something close to a human in the cow's pupils.Is this cranky? —Maybe it’s a wild idea.However, in his memory there is always a big white cow, leaning on the railing under the branch of the apricot tree with its head up and watching the flowers blooming.Lovingly and lovingly watching...

① Romulus, also translated as Romulus, the legendary founder of the city of Rome.It is said that he and his twin brother Remos were the sons of Mars, the god of war.Throwed into the river by the uncle who usurped the throne, he was rescued by a she-wolf and fed them to adults. three poverty Shinsuke's family was poor.But their poverty is not the poverty of the lower classes who live in terraced houses, but the poverty of the middle and lower classes who have to endure more pain in order to maintain their dignity.His father, a retired official, had a pension of 500 yen a year in addition to a little deposit interest, and the family of five, including the maid, could only live on this.Therefore, it is necessary to be frugal and frugal.They lived in a five-room house including the hall—a home with a small courtyard and street gate.However, few people make a new dress.Father often entertained himself with a late drink, but it was just bad wine that wasn't good enough for guests.Mother, too, was hiding her patched obi under her kimono.As for Shinsuke—he still remembered his desk, which often smelled of Japanese lacquer.Although the table was bought second-hand, it was covered with green velvet, and the metal handles of the drawers gleamed with silver, which looked pretty at first glance.But, in fact, the wool was already very thin, and the drawer never opened and closed smoothly.It's not so much his desk as a symbol of his home!It is a symbol of his family's life that has to be groomed frequently!

Shinsuke hated this kind of poverty.Oh, to this day, the hatred at that time still lingers in the depths of his heart, and it still lingers indelibly.He couldn't afford books, summer school, or a new coat.However, his friends always enjoy these.He envied them, and sometimes envied them.But he refused to admit his jealousy and envy.This is because he despises their talents.Yet the abhorrence of poverty has not changed much.He hated the old mats, the dim foreign lamps, the paper partitions whose ivy was peeling off, and all the shabby appearance of the house.However, this is not bad.Because of his poverty, he even hated the parents who gave birth to him.Especially hates his father who is shorter than him and bald.Dad regularly attends school sponsorship meetings.Shinsuke was ashamed to see such a father in front of his friends.At the same time, he also hates the meanness of his own heart who looks down on his biological father.He imitated Kunikida Doppo's "Don't Deceive Yourself" and left a passage on a yellowed lined paper: "I can't love my parents. No, it's not that I can't love them. Although I love my parents themselves, But I don’t love the appearance of my parents. Chang Yun judges people by their appearance, and a gentleman is ashamed, let alone the appearance of their parents! But no matter what, I can’t love the appearance of my parents..."

But what abhorred him more than this poverty was the hypocrisy born of poverty.My mother put cakes in the "Fengyue" ① snack box and gave them to relatives as gifts.However, the things in there are not "fengyue", they are cakes from the nearby pastry shop!His father—— also taught him to be "diligent, thrifty and martial".According to my father's teaching, apart from an old "Jade Pian"②, even buying a "Dictionary of Hanhe" is still a kind of "luxury and feeble"!Not only that, Shinsuke himself is no less good at lying than his parents.He had fifty cents a month for pocket money, and he always wanted to get some extra, even if it was a penny more, so that he could buy the books and magazines he craved more than anything else.Sometimes he said that the money he got back was lost, sometimes he said he was going to buy a notebook, and sometimes he said he had to pay the membership dues of the alumni association—under all the valid excuses, he cheated his parents of money.Even so, when the money was still not enough, he cleverly tricked his parents into favor so that he could get the pocket money for the next month.He especially flattered and doted on his old mother.Of course he disliked lying to himself as much as he did to his parents.But he lied.Lying boldly and cunningly.This was more necessary to him than anything else, but at the same time it gave him a morbid pleasure—a pleasure that seemed to kill some god.In this regard, he is indeed almost the same as a bad boy.The last page of his "Don't Deceive Yourself" contains the following lines: Dubu said that he was attached to love, but I hated and hated him.I hate poverty, I hate hypocrisy, I hate everything... ① "Fugetsu" is a famous pastry shop in Tokyo during the Meiji period in Japan, and it is still in business. ② "Jade Pian" is a philological work written by Gu Yewang between Liang and Chen in the Southern Dynasties of China, with a total of thirty volumes. This expresses Shinsuke's heartfelt song. At some point, he developed a feeling of disgust that hates poverty.This double hatred troubled him until he was twenty-four years old.Of course, he is not completely without a little happiness.He finished third or fourth in every exam.There is also a beautiful boy in the lower grade who expresses his love to him on his own initiative.But to Shinsuke, these are just a ray of sunshine in the gloomy sky.Hatred weighed heavily on his heart more than any emotion.Not only that, the hatred left an indelible mark on his heart at some point.After he got rid of poverty, he still couldn't help hating poverty.At the same time, as with poverty, one cannot but abhor luxury. —The abhorrence of this luxury is stamped by the poverty of the lower classes.Or just the stigma of the lower middle class.He still feels to this day this disgust in his heart, the moral fear of the petty bourgeoisie who must struggle against this poverty. . . . Just in the autumn of graduating from university, Shinsuke went to visit a classmate in the law department.They talked in an eight-mat living room with worn-out walls and paper partitions.An old man in his sixties came in from behind. From the face of this old man—the face of an alcoholic old man, Shinsuke felt that he was a retired official. "my father." His classmates gave him a brief introduction.The old man ignored Shinsuke's greetings with a haughty attitude, went to the back room, and said, "Please talk slowly. There are chairs over there." Of course, there were two chairs with armrests, and they were placed on the dark porch.But it was an old chair half a century ago with a high back and a faded red upholstery.Shinsuke saw the entire lower middle class in these two chairs.At the same time he felt that his friend was ashamed of his father as he was.This little incident was etched in his memory like an unforgettable one.This kind of thinking may leave many messy shadows in his heart in the future.But, all in all, he is first and foremost the son of a retired official!A person who is more willing to pursue the poverty of the hypocritical lower middle class than the poverty of the lower class! Four schools The school left Shinsuke with only dim memories.During his university studies, except for two or three courses where he did not need to take notes, he never became interested in any courses in the school.However, going from middle school to higher education, from higher education to university, through these levels of education is the only way out of poverty.However, Shinsuke did not admit this fact in middle school, at least not explicitly.But from the time he graduated from middle school, poverty loomed over Shinsuke's heart like a dark cloud.During his college and post-secondary years, he contemplated dropping out several times.However, the threat of poverty was harbingers of a bleak future, and it was too rash to do so.Of course he hated school.Especially the middle school that hates a lot of constraints.How harsh is the sound from the doorman's horn!The poplars on the stadium are so dark in color!What Shinsuke learned there was: the age of European history, chemical formulas that have not been tested, the number of residents in a certain city in Europe and America-all are useless little knowledge.As long as you work a little harder, these are of course not considered hardships.But it is difficult to forget the fact that this is useless little knowledge.Dostoevsky said in "Notes on the House of the Dead" that if the prisoners are forced to do unnecessary labor; such as pouring the water in the first bucket into the second bucket, and pouring the water in the second bucket Pour water into the first bucket and he will kill himself.In the gray schoolhouse, amidst the whirling poplar trees with tall trunks, Shinsuke experienced the mental anguish experienced by these prisoners.Not only that but also... Not only that, but what he hated most was his middle school teacher.Teachers as individuals are certainly not bad people.But "educational responsibilities"—especially the right to punish pupils—made them automatic tyrants.They will stop at nothing to implant their prejudices into the minds of their pupils.In addition, among them, there was a teacher—an English teacher nicknamed Dumbledore, who often used corporal punishment on Xinfu for "arrogance".But the reason for his "arrogance" is, in the final analysis, only because Shinsuke read Doppo and Hanazaki ①.There was another person among them—a Mandarin Chinese teacher with a prosthetic left eye.The teacher was unhappy with his dislike of martial arts and athletic competition.Therefore, he laughed at Shinsuke many times and said: "Are you a woman?" Shinsuke sometimes said in an aggressive tone: "Is Mr. a man?" Of course, the teacher will not punish him for his arrogance.The number of things that have humiliated him by rereading his yellowed copy of "Don't Deceive Yourself" are numerous.Shinsuke, who has a strong self-esteem, always resists such humiliation in order to protect himself stubbornly.Otherwise he would be belittling himself like a misbehaving boy.His self-improvement technique, of course, comes from "Don't Deceive Yourself"... Although Zimeng has a lot of notoriety, it can be divided into three: one is weak.The so-called frail people value spiritual strength more than physical strength. The second is frivolous and frivolous.The so-called frivolous and frivolous people do not love utilitarianism, but seek goodness and beauty. The third is arrogance.The so-called arrogant is standing up for what you believe in before others. ① Flower bag is Tayama flower bag (1871-193), a Japanese writer. Not all teachers persecuted him, however.Some of them had entertained him to drink tea with the whole family.Some of them lent him English novels to read.He still remembered that when he was graduating from the fourth grade, he saw the English translation of "Hunter's Notes" from among the borrowed novels, and read it happily.But "educational responsibilities" often prevent them from being in friendly association with ordinary people.This is because a certain humble flattery of their power lurks alongside their favor.Otherwise it is due to the ugly flattery lurking towards their homosexuality.Whenever he came in front of them, he always behaved primly.Not only that, but sometimes he either awkwardly reaches out to the cigarette box, or brags about buying standing tickets to the theater.Of course they interpreted this rude behavior as a result of disrespect.This explanation is indeed reasonable!In fact he was never an attractive student.He had old photographs hidden in the bottom of the trunk, of a sickly boy with a body out of proportion to his large head, but with bright eyes.But this boy with a bad complexion keeps asking tricky questions, and takes the pleasure of torturing a good teacher! ① "Hunter's Notes" is a famous work of Russian writer Turgenev (1818-1883), which describes the miserable life of peasants under the serf system of Tsarist Russia. Shinsuke has the highest score in every test.However, in conduct scores, he never exceeded six points②.He could imagine the sneer the number six evoked in the faculty office.In fact, it is also true to use the conduct scores given by the teacher as a shield to ridicule him.Because of this six points, his results never allowed him to get past third.He hated the revenge.Hate the teacher who takes such revenge.Now—no, now he has unconsciously forgotten the hatred at that time.Middle school was a nightmare for him.But nightmares are not necessarily unlucky.For this reason at least he developed a disposition to endure loneliness.Otherwise, his path in the first half of his life would be even more difficult than today!He also became the author of several books as if in a dream.But what it brings to him is still lonely after all.Today, when he has been content with this kind of loneliness—or when he knows that there is no other way but to be content with this kind of loneliness, when he recalls the past twenty years ago, the middle school building that made him suffer, or rather, it is a display of In the beautiful rosy dawn.It is true that the poplar trees on the sports field and the lonely sound of the wind on the gloomy treetops still rang in his ears... ②Pre-war schools in Japan implemented a conduct point system, which is divided into ten levels (one to ten), and six points are just passing. five books Shinsuke's passion for books began in elementary school.The thing that aroused his enthusiasm was the Imperial Library ① hidden in the bottom of his father's bookcase.Under the dim light, this big-headed primary school student has read it many times.Not only that, but when he closed the book, he imagined the flags walking in the sky, the tigers on Jingyanggang, and the human legs hanging from the beams of the green houses in the vegetable garden.Is this imagination? ——However, this imagination is more real than reality.He didn't know how many times he held a wooden sword, faced the dried vegetables hanging in the yard, and fought with the characters in it-a Qinghu Sanniang, Huahe monk Lu Zhishen.For thirty years this passion had dominated him.He clearly remembered the many times he had stayed up all night with the book in front of him.Hey, it’s not just that, on the table, in the car, in the bathroom—sometimes on the road, he reads enthusiastically.Of course, after the fight, he never wielded the wooden sword again, but more than once, he sometimes laughed and sometimes cried about the things in the book, and entered the state of "transferring people" ecstasy, that is to say, he became a character in the book.Like the Buddha of India, he transcended countless previous lives, became Ivan Karamazov, became Hamlet, became Duke Andrew, became Don Juan, became Mephistopheles ⑤ became Reynard the fox ⑥—and some of the characters were not self-absorbed at the moment.One autumn afternoon, he visited his uncle for pocket money.My uncle is from Hagi, Changzhou.He deliberately talked about the great cause of the reform in front of his uncle, and praised Changzhou talents from Murata Qingfeng 8 to Shanxian Youpeng 9.However, this pale high school student, full of false gratitude, is not so much the hero of the younger Julien Sorel than Daidoji Shinsuke at the time. ①Imperial Bunko is a series of Japanese middle age and modern literary works published by Bowenkan during the Meiji period of Japan, with a total of fifty volumes. coc2② Ivan Karamazov is the protagonist of Dostoevsky's novel "The Brothers Karamazov". ③Andrei is one of the protagonists in the novels written by the Russian writer Leo Tolstoy. ④ Don Juan is a dissolute figure in Spanish legends, and it is an important subject of Western European literature. Molière's comedies, Mozart's operas, and Byron's long poems all used Don Juan as the protagonist. ⑤ Mephistopheles is the devil in the poetic drama "Faust" by the German writer Goethe (1749-1832). ⑥ Reynard Fox is a cunning fox in medieval German legend. ⑦Changzhou domain has Zhoufang and Nagato two countries, which are in today's Yamaguchi County.Hagi is in the middle of Yamaguchi Prefecture, and was once the political center of the Choshu Domain, and many of the Meiji Restoration's patriots were born here. ⑧Kyofu Murata (1783-1855), a vassal of Changzhou at the end of the Tokugawa Shogunate in Japan, advocated the restoration of Japan. ⑨Aritomo Yamagata (1838-1922), a Japanese soldier and politician from Changzhou Domain. Such Shinsuke, of course, learned everything from books.At least it can be said that he has never done anything that does not rely on books.In fact, in order to understand life, he did not observe pedestrians on the street.It can be said that in order to observe pedestrians, he only went to understand the life in books.Or maybe this is also a roundabout way to understand life.But pedestrians on the street are just pedestrians to him.In order to understand them—to understand their love, their hatred, and their vanity, he read books.Read books—especially novels and plays produced in Europe at the end of the century.At last in this icy light he discovered the human comedy unfolding before him.Or, to put it another way, he discovered his own soul, which does not distinguish between good and evil.And it's not just limited to life.He discovered the natural beauty of many streets in our office, but with a few books he loved to read—especially Yuanlu's wandering, his observation of nature became sharper.By reading these, he discovered "the mountains near Kyoto"②, "the autumn wind in the tulip field"③, "the mainsail and the yaw in the sea shower"④, "the cry of the heron flying by in the dark "⑤——discovered the natural beauty that the streets of our office had never made him understand.This "from book to reality" is often Shinsuke's truth.He also fell in love with several women in half his life.But none of them made him understand the beauty of women.At least it didn't make him understand the beauty of women outside of books. "The ear through the sun" and "the shadow of the eyelashes falling on the cheek" he learned from Gautier, Balzac, and Tolstoy.It is precisely because of these that Shinsuke understands the beauty of women today, otherwise, he may only understand women's sexuality... ①Refers to the tendency of decadence and decline produced by the literature of European capitalist countries at the end of the nineteenth century. ② See "Continued Monkey Mino", the whole sentence is: "Matsuji, the mountains near Kyoto!" written by the haiku Hirose Weiran (? -1710). ③ See "Ape Minotaur", the whole sentence is: "The dew in the morning, and the autumn wind in the tulip field." Wandering people Fanzhao (? -1714). ④ See "Ape Minotaur", the whole sentence is: "Hurry up, the mainsail and yaw in the sea shower!" Wandering people Xiangjing Qulai (1561-1704) wrote. ⑤ See "Continued Monkey Mino", the full sentence is: "Lightning accompanied by the cry of a heron flying by in the dark." Composed by the haikuer Matsuo Basho (1644-1694). ⑥Gautier (1811-1872), French poet and novelist. But the poor Shinsuke couldn't buy the books he wanted to read as he wished.He contrived to get out of this difficulty, first by the library, second by the lending shop, and third by his thrift which attracted the ridicule of miserliness.He clearly remembered the book lending shop facing Dashuigou, the old lady who was a good person in the book lending shop, and the old woman's sideline job of making flower hairpins.The old lady trusted the honesty of the "brother" who finally went to elementary school.However, this "brother" invented the appearance of looking for books without knowing it, and read books secretly.He also clearly remembers the old bookstores lined up next to each other on Jimbocho Street 20 years ago. Behind the roof of the secondhand bookstore, you can see the slope of Kudanzaka ① illuminated by the sun.Of course, there were neither trams nor horse-drawn carriages on Jimbocho Street at that time.He—a twelve-year-old elementary school student, with a lunch box and a notebook under his arm, walked back and forth on this street many times in order to go to the bridge library②.The round trip is one and a half miles.From the Bridge Library to the Imperial Library③.He still remembers his first impression of the Imperial Library. —the fear of the high ceiling of the library hall, the fear of the tall windows, the fear of the countless people who fill the countless chairs.However, the fear luckily disappeared after two or three visits.He soon developed an intimate attachment to the reading room, to the iron staircase, to the catalog box, to the underground mess hall.After this he went to university libraries and college libraries.He did not know that he had borrowed hundreds of books from these libraries.And among these books, I don’t know that I fell in love with dozens of books.However-- ① Kudanzaka is a long slope from Ichigaya to Kanda via the Yasukuni Shrine, in Chiyoda District, Tokyo. ② Ohashi Library is a private library created by Shintaro Ohashi, the head of Bowenkan, located in Chiyoda District, Tokyo. ③The Imperial Library is a branch of the National Diet Library of Japan, the former name of the Ueno Library. But what he loved, almost regardless of the content, were the books he bought himself.Shinsuke didn't even go to cafes to buy books.However, his pocket money is always not enough.For pocket money, he taught mathematics (!) to middle school students of a relative's family three times a week.Even then, when the money was not enough, I had to sell books.However, the price of selling books is less than half of the price of buying new books.Not only that, it is often his tragedy to sell the books he has kept for many years to second-hand bookstores.He once browsed one second-hand bookstore after another on Jimbocho Street on a snowy night.He found Zarathusla in a second-hand bookstore.This is no ordinary Zarathusla.This is the dirty Zarathusla that he sold more than two months ago.He stood at the head of the store, reading this old Zarathusla here and there.I can't put it down after re-reading it, and gradually feel nostalgic. ①Zarathusla was born in the seventh century BC and died at the age of seventy-seven. It is said that he was the ancestor of Zoroastrianism in ancient Persia.This refers to the philosophical work "Thus Spoke Zarathusla" (1883-1891) by German idealist philosopher and voluntarist Nietzsche (1844-1900).This book adopts the genre of prose narrative poetry, pretends to Zaratusla as a prophet, and goes down the mountain to promote the idea of ​​"superman" to the public. "How much is this book?" After standing for ten minutes, he took "Zarathusla" to the female owner of the second-hand bookstore and asked. "One yuan and six cents, if you like it, then give one yuan and fifty cents!" Shinsuke remembered that the book sold for only seventy cents.However, as a result of bargaining, it was easy to buy it again at twice the selling price—one yuan and four cents.On the road on a snowy night, the houses and trams were shrouded in an indescribably subtle silence.On the way back to the distant headquarters on this main road, from time to time he felt the "Zarathusla" with the blue cover in his pocket.At the same time, he muttered to himself and laughed at himself a few times... six friends Shinsuke could never make friends without asking how he could do it.For example, no matter what kind of gentleman he is, a young man who has almost no merits other than character is a useless passer-by to him—no, it’s better to say that he has to tease him every time he meets clown.This is a natural attitude for him who has a six-point conduct.He went from middle school to high school, from high school to college, and in the process of going through several schools, constantly mocking them.Of course one of them was offended by his jeering.But some of them are perfect models of gentlemen who are unaware of his ridicule.He often took a little pleasure in being dismissed as a "nasty guy".However, no matter how much he ridiculed, there was no response, only to make him resentful.There is also such a gentleman—a liberal arts student in a certain high school and an admirer of Livingstone.Shinsuke, who lived in the same dormitory, once told him so casually that even Byron was moved to tears when he read Living Guston's biography.尔来已历二十年的今天，这位利文斯通的崇拜者在某基督教会的机关杂志上，照旧歌颂利文斯通。而他的文章是用这样一行文字开始的：“连恶魔诗人拜伦读了利文斯通的传记都竟然流泪，这教给了我们什么呢？” ①利文斯通（1813-1873），英国传教士，横越非洲的探险家，着有《南非传教旅行考察记》等书。 信辅从来不能不问才能怎样就去交朋友。即使不是君子，如果他是没有强烈求知欲的青年，对他来说仍是陌生的路人。他并不希求他的朋友们都那么温文尔雅，他的朋友们是没有青年人的热情的青年人也未始不可。唔，他对亲密的朋友倒是畏惧的，然而他的朋友们应该具有头脑。应该有头脑——有极其聪明的头脑。不管是多么漂亮的年轻人，都不如拥有这种头脑的人更为他所喜爱。同时也不管是什么样的君子，都不如拥有这种头脑的人更为他所憎恶。实际上他的友情总是在某些爱中孕育着憎恶的情感。信辅至今还坚信，在这种情感之外没有友情。至少他相信在这种情感之外，没有不带Herr und Knecht①气味的友情。况且当时的朋友们，在另一方面正是互不相容的死敌。他以自己的头脑为武器不断不息地同他们格斗。惠特曼②，自由诗，创造的进化③——几乎到处都是战场。他在这些战场上，或者打倒他的朋友们，或者被他的朋友们打倒。这种精神上的格斗，简直是由于他最嗜好屠杀而挑起来的。然而在这个过程中自然而然表现出新的观念和新的美的格调，那也是事实。午夜三点的蜡烛的火焰怎样照耀着他们的争论，武者小路实笃的作品又是怎样支配了他们的争论。……信辅非常清楚地记得九月的一个夜晚，有几只很大的灯蛾向蜡烛飞来。灯蛾是在深夜里突然灿烂华丽地诞生出来的。可是，一触到火焰上，就过早地、令人难以置信地扑拉拉死去了。就是到了现在这也许是并没有什么稀奇价值的事。然而信辅直到现在每当想起这件小事——每当想起这个不可思议的美丽的灯蛾的生死，不知为什么他的内心深处就多少感到凄凉…… ①德语：主人与侍从。 ②惠特曼（1819-1892），美国诗人，着有等。 ③法国哲学家帕格森（1859-1941），着有《创造进化论》一书。 信辅从来不能不问才能怎样就去交朋友。标准不过如此而已。但是这个标准也并不是完全没有例外。这就是把他的朋友们和他之间的关系截断的社会的阶级的差别。对和他出身差不多的中产阶级的青年，信辅没有什么抵触。但是，对他所熟悉的少数上流阶级的青年——有时甚至对中流上层阶级的青年，却多少感到格格不人，像陌生人般的憎恶。他们当中有的怠惰，有的懦怯，有的是肉欲的奴隶。然而他并不只是由于这些原因才憎恶他们。不，和这些相比，毋宁说是由于某种说不清的原因。其实他们当中的某些人连自己也意识不到地憎恶着这种说不清的“什么”。由于这个原因，对下层阶级——对他们的社会的对立面感到病态的失望。他对他们是同情的。然而他的同情毕竟是没有用的。每当这个某种说不清的“什么”和他在一起时，总是像针似地刺伤了他的手。记得是一个有风的寒冷的四月的午后，当时是高等学校的学生的他和他们之中的一个人——某男爵的长子，站立在江之岛①的悬崖上。眼下就是波涛汹涌的海岸。他们为“潜水”的少年们扔出去不少铜币。每当铜币落下去，少年们就扑通扑通跳到海里去。但是有一个潜水采贝的渔家女，在悬崖下燃烧着海草的火堆旁只是看着笑。 ①江之岛，也叫绘之岛，日本神奈川县藤泽市片濒海岸附近的小岛，名胜地。 “这次也让这个家伙跳进去！” 他的朋友把一枚铜币，用烟卷盒里的锡纸包起来。于是猛向后转身，用尽全身力气把铜币扔了出去。铜币闪闪发光，向风大浪高的海里飞去。在那一刹那，渔家女也抢先跳进海里。信辅至今还历历在目地记得他的朋友嘴边浮现出的残酷的微笑。他的朋友具有超众过人的外语才能，可是也确实具有超众过人的锋利的犬齿…… 附记：此篇小说另拟续写这个的三四倍长。此次发表者仅《大导寺信辅的前半生》，其题并不吻合，然亦无他题可代，是为不得已而用之。《大导寺信辅的前半生》以之为第一篇幸甚也。大正十三年十二月九日，作者记。 一九二四年十二月作 Translated by Lu Yuanming