Chapter 8 Kasaya and Sheng Yuan

Kasaya and Sheng Yuan Akutagawa Ryunosuke superior At night, Sheng Yuan looked at the moonlight from outside the mud wall, while stepping on the fallen leaves, his mind was heavy. monologue The moon has come up.I have always been eagerly looking forward to the moonrise, but tonight, I am a little afraid of the moonlight being so clear.The old me so far will disappear overnight, and tomorrow I will be a complete murderer; thinking of this makes my whole body tremble.It is enough to imagine the appearance of blood on both hands.At that time, I would feel that it was a pity.If it is to kill an opponent whom I hate to the bone, there is no need to be so uneasy, but what I killed tonight is someone I don't hate.

He, I have known him for a long time.His name is Lieutenant Watanaemon, but he only found out about it because of this incident.As a man, he was too gentle, with that fair face, he forgot when we met.Knowing that he is Kasao's husband, I did feel jealous for a while.However, that feeling of jealousy has disappeared without a trace in my heart at this moment, like a spring dream without a trace.Therefore, although Du is my rival in love, I neither hate nor hate him.Well, it would be better to say that I have a little sympathy for him.I heard from Yi Chuan that Du had spent a lot of effort to win the favor of the cassock; now I even think that this man is quite likable.Du wanted to marry cassock with all his heart, so didn't he learn Waka on purpose?Thinking of the warrior Jiujiu actually writing love poems, a smile appeared on the corner of his mouth.But this smile was not mocking at all, it just felt that the man who was courting the woman was really cute.Maybe it was the woman I love that attracted the man to fawn on me like this. His infatuation brought great satisfaction to me as a lover, and I don't know.

However, can I love cassock to that extent?The love for cassock can be divided into two periods: the present and the past.I fell in love with Kasao before she was married.Or rather, I thought I was in love with her.However, now it seems that the relationship at that time was not pure.What do I ask for the cassock?With the body of a virgin boy, it is obvious that he wants to take the cassock.It would be an exaggeration to say that my love for cassocks is nothing more than the beautification of this desire, a sentimental emotion.The proof is that during the three years that I cut off contact with Kasaya, I did not forget my love for her.If I had had a physical relationship with her before, would I not forget the old relationship and still miss her endlessly?Shame or shame, I still don't have the courage to answer in the affirmative.After that, the love for the cassock was mixed with the yearning for the warm fragrance of nephrite jade that I didn't know.Moreover, with melancholy in my heart, it has finally developed to the point where it not only scares me, but also teaches me to look forward to it.But now?I asked myself again: Do I really love cassocks?

However, before giving an answer, I have to go back to the whole story, even if I don't want to. ——When I was doing Buddhist ceremonies at Watanabe Bridge, I had to meet the cassock who had been away for three years.In the following six months, in order to have a tryst with her, I used all means, and it worked every time.No, not only success, but at that time, just like a dream, I had a physical relationship with her.What influenced me at that time may not be as mentioned above, it was the desire for the warm fragrance of nephrite jade that I didn't know.At Yi Chuan's house, when he and Kasao were sitting together in the room, he realized that this kind of love had faded away at some point.Because I am no longer a virgin, now and now, my desires are not as good as before.But after a closer look, the main reason is that the woman's beauty has faded.In fact, the present cassock is no longer what she was three years ago.The skin has lost its luster, and there is a faint black halo on the eye circles.The original plumpness of the cheeks and chin disappeared miraculously.The only thing that hasn't changed is the big watery and black eyes.This change was nothing less than a terrible blow to my desire.After three years, when we first met each other, I couldn't help looking away.The intensity of that blow is still fresh in my memory...

Then, relatively speaking, how could I, who was no longer obsessed with that woman, have a relationship with her again?First, there is a strange conquest mentality at work.Kasao deliberately exaggerated her love for her husband in front of me.In any case, it sounded like a bluff to me. "This bitch has a kind of vanity about her husband," I thought. "Maybe it's a kind of resistance that doesn't want me to pity her, I don't know," I thought again.At the same time, the desire to expose this lie motivates me strongly all the time.How can it be seen as a lie?It was my ego, and I have no reason at all to justify it.But even so, I still believe it was a lie.So far I am convinced.

However, it was not all this desire to conquer that dominated me at the time.Besides—just saying that makes me feel ashamed.Other than that, purely driven by lust.It's not because of a desire to have physical contact with her, but a more despicable desire, not necessarily because of her, but purely for the sake of desire.I'm afraid that even those who buy sex with prostitutes are not as despicable as I was back then. In short, out of such motives, I have a relationship with Kasao.More precisely, he insulted her.And now, back to my original question—well, there is no need to ask whether I love cassocks, even to myself, by now.Rather, sometimes I even find her hateful.Especially afterwards, when she lay there crying, and when I picked her up, I felt that Kasao was even more shameless than me.Not only the drooping messy hair, but also the remaining fat and powder on the sweaty face, all showed the ugliness of this woman's body and mind.If, before that, I still loved her, then, since that day, this love has disappeared forever.Or rather, up to that day I had never loved her, and since then a new hatred has grown in me.But, alas, tonight, isn't it because of a woman I don't love that I want to kill a man I don't hate?

This is by no means anyone's fault.I said it openly myself. "Didn't you want to kill someone?"—Recalling when I whispered to her at that time, even I suspected that I was going crazy.But I actually said so.Even though I tried my best to endure it, thinking not to say it, I finally whispered it out.Thinking back on why I had to talk about it at the time, I still can’t figure it out.If it’s okay to think this way, then the more I look down on her and hate her, the more I can’t help but want to humiliate her.The only way I can be satisfied is to kill Captain Watanaemon, the husband whom Kasao bragged about, and to get her consent whether she wants to or not.I seemed to be haunted by a nightmare, and against my will, I blindly persuaded her to murder her husband.However, if I say that I don't have a sufficient motive for wanting to kill someone, then it can only be said that it is an unknowable force in the world (it can be said that it is a demonic obstacle), which is tempting my will to go astray, and there is no other explanation. .In short, I was very stubborn, and repeated this matter in Kasaw's ear over and over again.

After a while, Kasao raised his head abruptly, told me frankly, and agreed with my plan.But my short answer was more than accidental.Looking at Kasaw's face, there was an unbelievable brilliance in her eyes that she had never seen before.Adulterer—I immediately thought of that.At the same time, it seemed very discouraged. The horror of this plan suddenly appeared before my eyes.During this period, the woman's promiscuity and disgusting decline have caused me constant distress. I need not say any more. If it can be redeemed, I really want to withdraw my words on the spot.Then, humiliate the unfaithful woman and push her into the abyss of shame.That way, even if I play tricks on her, maybe I can still use righteous indignation as a shield in my conscience.But I couldn't care less about doing that.The woman seemed to see through my mind, suddenly changed her expression, and stared closely into my eyes—to be honest, I was already on the verge of death, and I had to make an appointment with her on the day and time of the murder, because I was afraid that if I If I repent, Kasao will take revenge on me.To this day, this fear still haunts me.Someone laughed at me for being timid, so let him laugh.Because he didn't see Kasao's expression at that time. "If I don't kill Du, it seems that even if Kasao doesn't do it myself, I will definitely be killed by her. Instead of that, it's better if I kill Du." ——Looking at the woman's tearless eyes, I thought so desperately.After I made the oath, I saw Kasaya's pale face dimpled and smiling with his head down, wouldn't it further confirm that my fear was not groundless?

Alas, because of that damnable agreement, which is both immoral and unconscionable, now there is an additional charge of murder.To break the appointment tonight--not even myself.On the one hand, I swore, and on the other hand, I said—for fear of reprisals.This is by no means deception.But other than that, there seems to be something else.What exactly is it?Forcing me, a coward, to kill an innocent man, where did the great power come from?I do not understand.I don't know, logically—no, there's no such thing.I despise that woman.I'm afraid of her.hate her.But even so, maybe it's because I love that woman.

Sheng Yuan was still wandering around, but he didn't make a sound anymore.The moonlight shines brightly.A fashionable singing voice came from nowhere. It is really the darkness of ignorance in the human heart, like the fire of troubles, life is at stake... Down At night, the cassock was outside the tent, with the light on his back, biting his sleeve, lost in thought. monologue Will he come or not?Surely it is impossible not to come?The moon is about to slant to the west, but he hasn't heard the footsteps yet, so he won't regret it all of a sudden.If I don't come - well, I have to look like a whore again, raising this shameful face to face the sun.How could I do such a shameless thing?At that time, I was no different from the abandoned corpse on the roadside.Being insulted and ravaged by others, in the end, he was shameless and shameful, and he had to be like a mute, unable to speak a word.If this is the case, even if you want to die, you can't die.No, he will come.The last time we parted, I looked him in the eye and couldn't help but think that way.He is afraid of me.Although they hate me and despise me, they are afraid of me.Yes, if it's up to me, he might not agree to come.However, I begged him.Count his selfishness.No, seeing through the vile horrors of his selfishness.So, I can say this.He will come quietly, yes...

However, I can't do it on my own.How miserable am I.If it was three years ago, my beauty would be more effective than anything else.Saying it was three years ago is worse than saying it was up to that day, which is closer to the truth and unknown.That day, when I saw him at my aunt's house, I knew at a glance that my ugliness had been imprinted on his heart.He pretended to be nonchalant, as if teasing me, and spoke softly to me.But once a woman knows that she is ugly, how can a few words comfort her.I just feel sweet, horrible, sad.When I was a child, my nanny hugged me to watch a lunar eclipse. It felt terrible, but I don’t know how much stronger my mood was than now.All my dreams suddenly vanished.Afterwards, like a drizzled dawn, a feeling of desolation and anxiety has been surrounding me-I was shocked by this loneliness, as if I was dead, I committed myself to him, to the one who didn't love me, the one who hated me and despised me A womanizer—show him your ugliness, is it because you can't bear the loneliness?Or is it because my face is pressed against his chest, like I have passed out from a fever, and the time has confused everything?Or maybe I'm just like him, driven by a dirty heart?Thinking about it this way, I feel embarrassed, shy, and ashamed.Especially when I left his arms and returned to my free body, I always felt how despicable I was! Anger is mixed with desolation. No matter what you think in your heart, you must not cry, but the tears still don't stop flowing.However, this is not just a matter of sadness because of the injustice of women.A woman's moral loss, coupled with being despised, like a mangy dog, being hated and abused by others, makes me sad more than anything else.Then, what did I do?Thinking about it now, it seems that it has been a long time, and I only remember some things vaguely.When I was sobbing, I felt his beard touch my ear, and with a hot breath, I heard him whisper to me: "Didn't you want to kill me?" I don't understand now, but somehow my mood brightened up at that time.Are you excited?If the moonlight is very bright at this time, it is probably because I am happy.In short, unlike the bright moonlight, it is a kind of exuberant mood.And yet, do I not feel a tinge of relief in this dreadful remark?Alas, I am a woman, do I have to murder my husband and still be loved in order to feel happy? I am like this bright moonlit night, because of loneliness, because my heart is relieved, and then I cry for a while.what's next?and then?When exactly did you induce that person to make an appointment with me to kill my husband?At the moment of making the contract, I thought of my husband.To be honest, this is the first time.Before that, I was preoccupied with my own affairs, thinking about the insults I had received.Only then did I think of my husband, my shy husband—no, not about him.But whenever he wants to say something to me, his smiling face is clearly presented in front of my eyes.My plan suddenly came to my mind, probably because I remembered his face for a moment.Where did this remark come from?Because I was determined to die then.Wouldn't it be nice to make such a decision.However, when he raised this crying face and looked at that person, just like last time, he saw his own ugliness reflected in that person's heart, and the joy suddenly disappeared.So—I remembered the dark scene when I watched the lunar eclipse with my nanny again.As if hiding under the joyful mood, all kinds of monsters have been released.I want to be my husband's substitute, is it really because I love him?No, no, behind this nice excuse is because I have committed myself to others, and I have a feeling of redemption.But I don't have the courage to kill myself.I think it will look better in the eyes of the world, but I still have such a despicable thought in my heart.What's more, if you do this, you will probably be forgiven.And I was meaner and uglier than that.That person's hatred, contempt, and evil lust for me, I call it a substitute for my husband, but in fact, don't I want to take revenge on these people?The evidence is that, looking at his face, like the moonlight, my interest suddenly disappeared, only the sadness in my heart froze my heart in an instant.I didn't die for my husband, but for myself.Outraged by the wounded soul and remorseful for the defilement of the body, I died for these two reasons.Alas, my life is worthless, and my death is worthless. However, my worthless death is more joyful than living on my last breath.I held back my sadness, forced a smile on my face, and discussed with him again and again about murdering my husband.But he is also very sensitive. From my words, I can hear a thing or two. If he misses the appointment, I'm afraid he can guess what I will do in the morning.That being the case, he also swore that he would not fail to come. —Is that the wind? ——Thinking that since that day, I have been in pain and sorrow, and tonight is finally over, I feel relieved.Tomorrow, the sun will surely cast a cold light on my headless corpse.Seeing the body, my husband—no, don't think about him, he loves me.But I can't do anything about this love.Since a long time ago, I have only loved one man.But this one and only man is coming to kill me tonight.In my opinion, the light of this lampstand is also shining brightly.Not to mention, I was tortured to death by my lover. ...The cassock blew out the fire of the lampstand, and after a while, the sound of prying open the shutter was vaguely heard in the darkness.At the same time, a faint ray of moonlight leaked in. (March 1918) Ailian translation