Chapter 14 Chapter 10 I Was Left Out, I Was Orphaned

When the gloomy funeral days were over, and the light fell freely into the house, the first thing Miss Murdstone did was to tell Peggotty to go away in a month.Though Peggotty disliked the work, I believe she would have given up the best job in the world to keep it, for my sake.She told me that we must part, and why; and we comforted each other very sincerely. As for me and my future, it was never brought up and no action was taken about it.I guess they'd be relieved too if I, too, were dismissed with a month's advance notice.Once, when I got up enough courage to ask Miss Murdstone when I was going back to school, she said grimly that she believed I wouldn't have to go back to school at all.She never told me anything else.I was very anxious to know what was to be done of me, and Peggotty was the same, but neither of us could get a word of it.

My situation has changed.While the change made me less uneasy at the moment, it would be more uneasy about my prospects if I had the ability to think.This change is like this - all the constraints on me in the past have been lifted.Not only was I no longer in the drawing-room at my tedious post, but Miss Murdstone sometimes frowned at me as I sat there, and told me to go away.I was never again warned against Peggotty, and if it hadn't been for Mr. Murdstone I would never have been sought or questioned.In the first days, I was afraid every day that he would start to educate me again, but I soon realized that this fear was groundless, and all I could expect was to be left out.

At the time I didn't think this discovery would cause me much pain.I was still dazzled by the upheaval of my mother's death, in a state of indifference to other things.I remember, indeed, that it occurred to me to contemplate the possibility of the following scenarios: that I would never be educated and cared for again; I live a mediocre life in the country; maybe I'll get out of it, and go somewhere, like a hero in a story.But all these are fleeting visions, daydreams that I sometimes sit and see, faintly painted or written on the wall of my bedroom, and once gone, the wall remains blank.

"Peggotty," I murmured heavily to myself one night, as I warmed my hands before the kitchen fire, "Mr. Murdstone doesn't like me much more than he did before. He never liked me very much, Peggotty." Goti; but now, if he can, he won't even see me." "Perhaps he is too sad," said Peggotty, stroking my hair. "I dare say, Peggotty, I am sad too. If I believe it is because he is sad, I don't think so at all. But it's not that; oh no, it's not that." "How do you know it's not the case?" said Peggotty, after a moment's silence.

"It's a very different thing when he's sad. He's sad when he sits by the fire with Miss Murdstone, but if I go in, Peggotty, he's a different case." "What about him?" "Angry," I replied, imitating his bleak frown. "If he was just sad, he wouldn't look at me like that. I'm just sad, but being sad makes me kinder. " Peggotty said nothing for a little while; and I rubbed my hands, and was as silent as she was. "Wei Wei," she finally said. "What is it, Peggotty?" "My dear, I've tried everything—in a word, everything that's available, everything that hasn't been done—to find a suitable job here, at Brandstone, but I can't find it. "

"What do you want, Peggotty?" I said thoughtfully. "Do you want to try your luck?" "I think I must go to Yarmouth," answered Peggotty, "and stay there." "I thought you were going farther away," I felt better now, "and would never see you again. I will visit you now and then, my dear old Peggotty. Don't you Going to the other side of the world, isn't it?" "No, God bless!" said Peggotty with great emotion. "As long as you are here, my darling, I shall come to see you every week. I shall see you one day every week, as long as I live." !"

Hearing this promise, I felt a heavy burden lifted from my heart, but it was not over, for Peggotty went on: "I'm going, David, you know, I'm going to my brother's house for a fortnight--to give me time to think about it, to gather myself together. See, I've been thinking, maybe it's because they don't want to Seeing you here, I will let you go with me." If anything, besides a change in my relationship with people around me (not Peggotty's case), made me feel a little bit happier at the time, it was this idea.To think of those honest faces around me again; to have the peace of a sweet Sunday morning again--bells ringing, pebbles thrown into the water, shadowy boats sailing through the mist; to be with little Emmy Liyou walked around, telling her my troubles, looking for charms that could remove these troubles from shells and pebbles on the beach.Thinking of all the above, I felt a kind of peace in my heart.But soon there was confusion again as to whether Miss Murdstone would allow me to go; but this doubt was soon dispelled, for while we were still talking she was in the store-room on an evening search, and Peggot It was then that I was amazed at how bravely he touched on the subject.

"The boy will grow lazy there," said Miss Murdstone, examining a pickle jar carefully. "Laziness is the root of all evil. But it seems to me that he is here—or in any The place—it will also become lazy, it is inevitable.” I saw that Peggotty was ready to go back in a rage, but for my own sake she swallowed the answer, and kept silent. "Ah!" said Miss Murdstone, still with her eyes fixed on the pickle-pot; "it is of the utmost importance, above all else, that my brother should not be disturbed or made uncomfortable. I think I shall agree." OK." I thanked her without showing any joy, for fear that this would make her take back her promise.When she looked away from the kimchi jar and turned to me, her eyes were so sour, as if her eyes had absorbed the contents of the jar, I couldn't help but think that my above-mentioned concerns were very reasonable.However, when this promise was given, it was not taken back;

When the month was over, Peggotty and I were ready to go. Mr. Baggis came into the house to lift Peggotty's trunk.I had never seen him enter the garden door before, and now he entered the house for the first time.He gave me a look as he walked out with the biggest suitcase, and I thought there was meaning in that look, if Bagis's face could say anything. Peggotty was, of course, unhappy to leave the place which she had made her own home for so many years, and the place which had formed the two great attachments of her life, my mother and me.She went to the cemetery early and lingered there.After she got into the car, she sat down covering her eyes with a handkerchief.

Mr. Barkis was also rigid when she did not put down her handkerchief.He sat in the old place with the usual attitude, like a stuffed adult idol.But when Peggotty began to look about him, and spoke to me, he also nodded and grinned several times. I had no idea who he was doing this to or why. "It's a fine day, Mr. Baggis!" I said out of politeness. "Not bad," said Mr. Baggis, who was careful with his words and almost never let his mind be understood. "Peggotty is quite comfortable now, Mr. Baggis." I said this to please him. "Is it, eh?" said Mr. Baggis.

Mr. Baggis thought for a while, and after another very clever glance at Peggotty, said: "Are you really comfortable?" Peggotty smiled in the affirmative. "It's true, you know, is it true?" Mr. Barkis moved closer to her from his seat, and nudged her with his elbow. "Really? Is it true that it's comfortable? Is it?" Huh?" Every time he asked, he moved closer to her and touched her again; so finally we were squeezed into the left corner of the car, and I couldn't bear it. Peggotty called his attention to my pain, and Mr. Baggis at once gave me a little more space, and drew back little by little.But I couldn't help seeing that he seemed to think he had invented some marvelous method of expressing his thoughts in a succinct, pleasing, and forceful manner, without the inconvenience of having to talk to him.Apparently he chuckled to himself for a while at this.Gradually he turned to Peggotty again, repeatedly asking: "Are you really comfortable, eh?"In this way, he used the same words and methods to attack again and again, and the result was always the same.Later, as soon as I saw him squeezed over, I quickly got up and stood on the step, pretending to look at the scenery, so that I would not be squeezed again. He was so polite that he stopped in front of a hotel for us and treated us to roast lamb and beer.While Peggotty drank his beer, he moved so much that she almost choked.However, as we got closer to our travel destination, he had so much to do that he didn't have much time to flirt; and by the time we got to Yarmouth, I could feel we were all screwed and there wasn't much to do Love to do something else. Mr. Peggotty and Ham were waiting for us in the usual place.They greeted Peggotty and me with great affection, and shook hands with Mr. Baggis.Mr. Barkis, with his hat pulled back on his head and coy from his face to his legs, seemed to me rather dumb.They each carried one of Peggotty's trunks, and as we were leaving Mr. Barkis gestured me with a serious finger to go under an archway. I said, "Mr. Bagis, things are going well." I looked up at his face carefully, pretending to say meaningfully: "Oh!" "It's not over yet," Mr. Barkiss said mysteriously, nodding his head. "It's going well." I replied again: "Oh?" "You know who's willing?" said my friend. "Baggis. Only Bagkis." I nodded in agreement. "It's all right," Bagis said, shaking hands. "I'm your friend. You made it all right in the first place. It's all right." To make things clear, Mr. Baggis was so terribly mysterious that if Peggotty had not told me to go, I should have stood there staring into his face for an hour, and I dare say I could never have done that. His face must have as much information as the face of a clock that has stopped.As we walked, Peggy asked me what he had said, and I told her he was saying things were going well. "He's still so thick-skinned," said Peggotty, "but I don't care! David, my dear, what would you think if I wanted to marry?" "Oh—I suppose you'll still like me as much as you do now, Peggotty?" I answered after a moment's thought. This kind-hearted person stopped at that moment, hugged me there, and made many promises about her unchanging love, even the passers-by on the street and her relatives walking in front were greatly surprised. "Tell me, what are you going to say, darling?" I asked as we moved on after the action was over. "If you wish to marry—Mr. Baggis, Peggotty?" "Yes," said Peggotty. "I think that's a good thing. Because then, you know, Peggotty, you'll have horses and carts whenever you want to come and see me, and it won't cost you a cent, and you'll be sure to come." "How wise is that darling!" cried Peggotty. "That's exactly what I thought a month ago! Yes, my dear, I think I'll be less dependent, you know, without saying I am happier working in my own house than in anyone else's. I don't know what I'd fit to be a servant to a stranger now. And besides, I'll be forever near my fair lady's grave." "I can go when I want to," said Peggotty thoughtfully; "and when I lie down to rest too, I can lie not far from my dear girl!" For a while, neither of us said anything. "But if my guard objects to my marriage," said Peggotty cheerfully, "I shall never think of it again--even if I am asked thirty or three times in church, and if the ring in my pocket is rotten." I won't think about it anymore." "Look at me, Peggotty," I answered, "and you'll know if I really like it, and I really want it!" Indeed, I really like it, and I really like it, and I really like it. "Well, my darling," said Peggotty, holding me tightly, "I've thought about it day and night, and in every way, and I hope to do right; but I'll think again, and don't Talk to my brother about it, and let's not tell anyone else about it, David, as long as you and I know. Bagis is a good hearted and honest man," said Peggotty, "if I do my duty by his side, if I I don't—if I'm not 'really comfortable,' I believe it's my fault," said Peggotty, laughing earnestly. It was a wonderful quote from what Mr. Baggis had said, and it pleased us both so much that we laughed and laughed, and we were all delighted when Mr. Peggotty's cabin came before us again. The hut was the same, but it seemed to me a little smaller, and Mrs. Gummidge greeted us again at the door, just as she had stood there since the last parting; The seaweed in the blue cup is still the same.I went into the room outside and looked around, still in the same old corner, those lobsters, crabs and prawns still tangled together with the ambition of clamping the world. But little Emily was not seen, so I asked Mr. Peggotty where she was. "She's at school, sir," said Mr. Peggotty, wiping the sweat from his forehead from carrying Peggotty's box; "she'll be back in twenty minutes or half an hour," He looked at the Dutch clock and said, "We all miss her, bless her!" Mrs. Gummidge groaned. "Come on, old mother!" cried Mr. Peggotty. "I miss her more than anyone," said Mrs. Gummidge. "I was a wretched old widow, and she was the only one who was almost never at odds with me." Mrs. Gormidge was crying, shaking her head, blowing on the fire carefully.As she did so, Mr. Peggotty looked round us, and murmured, "Old man!" over his mouth with his hands, which convinced me that Mrs. Gummidge hadn't been in a better mood since my last visit. Why, the whole place is, or always has been, as pleasant a place as ever, but it strikes me differently.I think I'm disappointed in it.Perhaps it was because little Emily was not at home.I knew which way she was going home, so I went to meet her along the way at once. Presently a figure appeared in the distance, and I knew at once that it was little Emily, who was still a little person, though she had grown up.As she came closer, I saw that her blue eyes seemed bluer, her face with dimples brightened, and she seemed better looking and more beautiful.I had a very strange feeling, which made me pretend not to know her, pretending to be looking at something else in the distance.If I'm not mistaken, I did the same thing later on. Little Emily did not mind that at all.She clearly saw me, but instead of turning around and calling me behind me, she ran away with a smile.As a result, I had to go after her.She ran so fast that I didn't catch her until I was almost at the cottage. "Oh, it's you, isn't it?" said little Emily. "Aha, you know who it is, Emily," I said. "Then don't you know who it is?" said Emily.I was about to kiss her, but she covered her lips, said she wasn't a child anymore, and ran into the house smiling even more happily than before. She seemed to be teasing me, and this change made me wonder.The tea-table was set, and our little chest was in its usual place, but she did not come to sit beside me, but went to the company of Mrs. Gummidge, who was always complaining.Mr. Peggotty asked her why she did this, and she threw her hair down over her face, and laughed. "A kitten, indeed!" said Mr. Peggotty, patting Emily with his great hand. "Oh, really! Really!" cried Ham, "Master Weiss friend, she really is!" He sat smiling at her for a moment with admiration and joy, which made his face blush. fire. In fact, little Emily was spoiled by everybody; Mr. Peggotty loved her the most, and could coax him to do anything if she ran up to him and pressed her little face against his shaggy beard.At least that's what I thought when I saw her do it.I think Mr. Peggotty is right.But she was so warm, so good-natured, with a scheming and shyness in her agreeable manner, that attracted me more than ever to her. She was soft-hearted, too, and when Mr. Peggotty, smoking his pipe, and sitting by the fire after tea, brought tears to her eyes.The way she looked at me softly as she sat across the table made me feel grateful. "Ah!" said Mr. Peggotty, taking her curls and letting them run like water through his hands. "There's an orphan here, you know, sir. Here," he tapped Han with the back of his hand. Looking at Tom's chest, "Another one, though he's nothing like that." "If I could have you as my guardian, Mr. Peggotty," I said, shaking my head, "I don't think I should feel like an orphan either." "Well said, Master Wei!" Ham exclaimed happily, "Wow! Well said! You won't feel like an orphan anymore. Huh! Huh!"—He also tapped the back of his hand Knocked Mr. Peggotty, and little Emily got up and kissed Mr. Peggotty. "How is your friend, sir?" said Mr. Peggotty to me. "Steerforth?" I said. "Exactly the name!" said Mr. Peggotty, turning to Ham. "I know it has something to do with our trade." "You used to say it was Luther Ford." Ham said with a smile. "Is it?" retorted Mr. Peggotty, "by the rudder, isn't it? Not far off. How is he, sir?" -------- ①Steevforth (Steerfords) and "steerwithharudder" have similar meanings. "He was well when I left, Mr. Peggotty." "That's a friend!" said Mr. Peggotty, holding out his pipe. "If you speak of a friend, it's a friend! Oh, my God, it's a pleasure to see him!" "He's handsome, isn't he?" I said, my heart also warmed by the compliment. "Handsome!" cried Mr. Peggotty. "He stands before you like—like—oh, I don't know what he looks like when he stands before you. He's brave!" "Yes! That's exactly what he is," said I. "He's as brave as a lion, and you can't imagine how frank he is, Mr. Peggotty." "I really think," said Mr. Peggotty, looking at me through the puff of his pipe, "that he's better than anyone else when it comes to learning from books." "Yes," I said cheerfully, "he knows everything. He's brilliant." "That's a friend!" whispered Mr. Peggotty, shaking his head gravely. "Nothing seems to bother him," I said. "He sees everything. He's always been the best cricketer. In chess, he'll let you go if you ask, but in the end Still beat you without any effort." Mr. Peggotty shook his head again, as if to say, "Of course he can." "He's such a good orator," I went on, "that he can convince anybody. If you heard him sing, I don't know what you'd say, Mr. Peggotty." Mr. Peggotty shook his head again, as if to say: "I have no doubts." "And he's such a generous, fine, noble man," I said, fascinated by the subject myself, "that I can hardly finish the list of great things about him. He's so devoted to protecting the school's younger children." I am so much smaller and lower, I can say that I cannot thank him enough." As I spoke eloquently, I watched little Emily's face.Little Em'ly, bending her face over the table, listened attentively, even holding her breath, her blue eyes shone like jewels, and her cheeks grew rosy.She looked so sincere and beautiful that I stopped in amazement.Everyone looked at her at the same time, and I stopped, and they all looked at her and laughed. "Emily wants to see him as much as I do," said Peggotty. Emily was flustered by all of us, she lowered her head, her face turned red.She looked up through the gaps in her drooping curls, saw that we were all still looking at her (I think I was among them, I could watch her for hours), and ran away, hiding almost until bedtime. I lay in the same old cot in the stern, and the wind blew across the beach, moaning mournfully as ever.But now, I can't help imagining it sighing for the dead; now I don't think the sea will rise up in the night and take the ship away, but I think that since the last time I heard that sound, the sea has risen and drowned my happiness s home.I added to my prayer that I would marry Emily when I grew up, and I went to sleep lovingly and the days passed roughly as they had been before, but—this was the obvious difference— Little Emily seldom goes to the beach with me now.She had homework to do and needlework, and she was away most of the day.Even if she didn't, though, I don't think we'd be hanging out like we used to.Emily was earnest, with many childish daring fancies, but more of a grown-up than I had imagined.For more than a year, she seemed to be estranged from me.She likes me, but she makes fun of me and it annoys me.When I went to pick her up, she sneaked home from another road. When I came home disappointed, she laughed at the door. The best time was when she sat quietly at the door doing homework, and I sat at her feet. read to her on the steps.And at this moment, I don't think I've ever seen the sunshine I saw on those bright April afternoons, never seen that happy little man I used to see at the door of that old ship, and I never I have never seen such a sky, such a water, such a golden ship sailing into the golden air. On our first night there, Mr. Barkis came, dumbfounded, with a bag of oranges he held up in a handkerchief.Because he didn't mention anything about the bag, everyone thought he had left it here after he left. It wasn't until Ham, who chased him back, came back that they knew it was for Peggotty.After that, he showed up on time at that time every night, and always took a small bag. He never explained anything about the small bag, and left it behind the door as always.These gifts of love are varied and eccentric.Among them I remember two pairs of pig's trotters, a large needle-pocket, about half a barrel of apples, a pair of jet earrings, some Spanish onions, a box of dominoes, a canary and a birdcage, a leg of pickled pork Mr. Barkis's courtship, too, had always been peculiar, as I recall.He seldom said anything, but sat by the fire as if in a carriage, staring at Peggotty, and one evening--I suppose he must have been in love--he kept her for a while. He snatched the threaded candle end, put it in his vest pocket and took it away.From then on, whenever she needed it, he would take out the half-melted candle stub stuck to his pocket cloth, and after the thing was used, he put it back again, and he seemed to take pleasure in it. .He seemed so content with himself that he felt no need to speak at all.I am sure that even when he took Peggotty for a walk on the beach, he was content to ask her now and then if she was well, without feeling any uneasiness.I remember, after he had gone, several times Peggotty spent half an hour laughing with his apron drawn over his face.Indeed, every one of us was somewhat happy, except poor Mrs. Gummidge.Her love life at the time seemed to be exactly like this, and it kept reminding her of her old man. When my sojourn drew to a close, it was at last announced that Peggotty and Mr. Baggis were going on vacation together, and little Emily and I accompanied them.I woke up from time to time that night thinking of how much fun I would have with Emily all day the next day.We got up on time in the morning, and we were still eating breakfast, when Mr. Barkis appeared in the distance, driving his carriage straight to his sweetheart. Peggotty, in his usual attire, was still in his neat, plain mourning dress, while Mr. Barkiss splendor was in a new blue coat which the tailor had measured so well that the cuffs It kept him from wearing gloves on the coldest days, and the stiff collar made his hair stand on top of his head.The shiny buttons, too, were of the largest size, and with the brown trousers and yellow waistcoat, Mr. Baggis seemed to me a respectable figure. While we were all hurrying about outside the door, I saw that Mr. Peggotty had prepared an old shoe to throw behind us for good luck, and he gave the shoe to Mrs. Gummidge for throwing. "No, somebody else better do it, Dan," said Mrs. Gormidge. "I'm a wretched old widow, and I don't do anything that makes me think of people who aren't wretched." "Come, come, old boy!" cried Mr. Peggotty, "take it and throw it!" "No, Dan," replied Mrs. Gormidge, weeping and shaking her head, "if I hadn't felt so much, I could have done more work. You ain't so sentimental as I am, Dan; there's nothing against you, and nothing against you." , it's better for you to do this." But by this time Peggotty had hurriedly kissed everyone one by one, and she and we were all in the car (Emily and I sat side by side in two little chairs), where she shouted to Mrs. Gummidge that it must be done. .So Mrs. Gormidge complied.It's a pity that she let our festive excursion be spoiled, for she burst into tears immediately, and threw herself into Ham's arms, saying she knew she was a burden, and that she'd better be sent to the poorhouse. .I believe with all my heart that there is a good point in that, and that Ham should do it at once. We still go on vacation trips.The first thing we did was stop before a church, and Mr. Baggis tied his horse to the rail, and Peggotty and I went into the church, leaving little Emily and me in the car.I took this opportunity to put my arms around little Em'ly's waist, and propose that we should resolve to love each other and be happy all day, for I shall be leaving soon.Little Emily consented, and let me kiss her, and I forgot all about it.I remember telling her that I could never love anyone else and that I was ready to kill anyone who wooed her. How much little Emily smiled for my words!The little fairy said with pride that I was much older and smarter than me, and said that I was a "silly child", and then she smiled so happily, her smile was so cute, I saw her happy and forgot that I was caught by her It hurts to be called that name. Mr. Baggis and Peggotty remained a long time in the church, but at last they came out, and we hurried into the country.On the way, Mr. Barkiss turned to me and gave me a wink--by the way, I never thought he could wink until then--and said: "What was my name written on the car?" "Clara Peggotty," I answered. "If there's a hood here, how do I write that name now?" "Or Clara Peggotty?" I suggested. "Clara Peggotty Baggis!" he answered, and laughed so loudly that the carriage shook. Anyway, they got married.That's what they go to church for.Peggotty decided to hold the wedding in silence, with no one in attendance and only the priest as officiant.When Mr. Baggis broke the news of their marriage to us, Peggotty was a little flustered, and kept hugging me and squeezing me to show that her love for me would not be hurt in the slightest.But she calmed down soon after and said she was glad it was finally over. We drove to a small inn on a side road, where there was prepared for us, where we ate our lunch in comfort, and passed the day to our satisfaction.Even if Peggotty had married twice a day for the past ten years, she would not have taken it so easily as now; being married had changed her nothing, and she was exactly as she had been before: before tea, she Taking little Emily and I out for a walk, Mr. Barkis smoking his pipe in philosopher-like manner, I suppose he was happily absorbed in reveries of happiness.If this is true, the reverie whetted his appetite, and I remember well that he ate a lot of pork and greens at lunch, and gnawed a chicken clean, but he was still happy at tea. He ate a lot of boiled bacon in a rush, and he seemed to be fine after eating so much. Since then, I have often thought how strange, how simple, and how extraordinary that wedding was!Not long after it got dark, we got into the car again, looked at the stars, talked about them, and went home comfortably.I became their chief narrator, and Mr. Baggis learned a lot.I told him everything I knew, and he believed everything I told him.He had so much respect for me that he said I was a "young locius" to his wife when I was there, and I think he meant child prodigies. After we've exhausted the subject of the stars (or rather I've exhausted Mr. Baggis' sanity).Little Emily and I wrapped us both in an old burden-bag, and sat home in it.Oh how I love her!If we were married, wherever we went, we could live in woods and fields, never grow up, never be worldly, always be children, hand in hand, walking up and down the sun and the flowering meadows, the night comes What a bliss (I think) to sleep on the moss and enter into pure and peaceful sleep, to be buried by the birds after death!Along the way, I have always harbored this picture in my mind: there is no real world on this picture, but it is as faint and blurred as a distant star illuminated by our innocence.I am so glad to think that little Em'ly and I had such pure hearts about Peggotty's marriage.I am glad to think that the gods of love and joy made that marriage a simple and merry affair. Well, it was very late, and now we came to the old ship again; and Mr. and Mrs. Barkiss said good-bye to us, and went merrily to their own home.Then, for the first time, I felt that I had lost Peggotty.If I hadn't been under the same roof with little Emily, I should have gone to bed with a broken heart. Mr. Peggotty and Ham, who read my mind perfectly well, tried to drive away my misery by supper and their hospitality.Little Emily came and sat down on the cupboard beside me, as she did once during my stay; and it was indeed a wonderful end to a wonderful day. That was late tide.Soon after we went to bed, Mr. Peggotty and Ham went fishing.Left alone in that lonely house to be the protector of Emily and Mrs. Gummidge, I was so courageous that I wished a lion or a snake or any vicious goblin would come upon me, and I should be honored by defeating it.But nothing of that kind roamed the beaches of Yarmouth that night; I had to furnish the best substitute for it myself that I could, and so I dreamed of the dragon until morning. Peggotty and morning light appeared at the same time; she still called me at my window, as if Mr. Baggis, the coachman, were only a dream through and through.After breakfast, she took me to her own home, which was a nice little home.Of all the movable properties there, what caught my attention the most was an old dark wood bookcase in the living room. It had a retracted top panel, which was pulled out and opened to form a desk.It contained a quarto copy of The Acts of the Martyrs by Fox.I found this precious book right away (I don't even remember a single word in it now), and started to read it immediately; whenever I come here from now on, I always kneel down on a chair and open the book containing the precious book. He stretched his arms over the table and read the book carefully from the beginning.I am afraid that it is the multitude of horrific pictures that fascinate me chiefly.However, from that time until now, the Martyr and Peggotty's house have been inseparable in my mind. On this day I said good-bye to Mr. Peggotty, Ham, Mrs. Gummidge, and little Emily.Spend the night in one of Peggotty's cottages.There was the crocodile book on the bedside shelf of the little cottage, which Peggotty said would always be mine, and would always remain the same for me. “不管年轻还是衰老，亲爱的卫卫，只要我活着，我住在这屋顶下，”皮果提说，“你就会发现它像我随时等你来的样子。我会每天收拾它，就像过去收拾你从前那小房间一样，我亲爱的；就算你去中国，你在外边的日子里也可以一直想到它还是保持原样呢。” 我打心底里能感受到亲爱的老保姆的真诚和忠实，尽我所能地向她表示感谢，可是一切并不是那么尽人意，因为那天早上她搂着我脖子说这些话，而我就要在那天早上回家，就要在那天早上和她及巴吉斯先生坐车回家。在大门口，他们难舍难分地离开了我。眼见着车走了，载走了皮果提而把我留在那些老榆树下看着那幢房子，看那幢里面再没有一张表现出爱心或欢喜来看我的脸的房子，那是种非常奇怪的景象。 我便落得被冷落了，那情景我一回想起就不能不伤心。我立刻陷入孤零零的境况——没有友爱的关注，没有同龄孩子为伍，除了自己无精打彩地想来想去，没任何可以相伴—— 我此刻写作时，那境况似乎还向这纸上投下了阴影。 我宁愿被送进有史以来最严历的学校！——不论在哪，不论怎样，也还能教点什么！可我看不到有丝毫这种可能。他们讨厌我，他们阴沉沉地、不断地、冷酷地冷落我。我想，默德斯通先生当时在经济方面有些困难，不过这并没有什么相干。他容不得我；我深信他竭力想把我打发掉并推掉他对我负的责任——他干成了！ 我并没受到明显的虐待——没挨打，没挨饿，但我所受的伤害并没有减少变轻。我受到的是有系统的、无人情可言的伤害。一天又一天，一星期又一星期，一个月又一个月，我被冷酷地冷落。想起这时，我有时想不知一旦我病了，他们会怎么样；是不是会任我躺在冷清的屋里，一如既往地孤独、憔悴，是不是会有人把我从那儿救出去呢。 默德斯通先生和小姐在家时，我和他们一起吃饭，他们不在时，我就自餐自饮。我可以随意在住宅附近走来走去，他们只是妒忌我结交什么朋友，也许他们认为，我交了什么朋友就会对这人诉苦了。为了这原因，尽管齐力普先生常请我去看他（他是个鳏夫，他那位娇小而长着浅色头发的太太在几年前就去世了；在我想来，他太太总和一只灰蒙蒙的三色猫联系在一起），让我在他那外科诊室里过一个下午，读我从没读过而发出药香的一些书，或在他温和的指导下在一个药钵里擂捣点什么，我还是很少有这份幸福的享受。 为了同样理由，无疑还加上他们从前对皮果提的仇恨，他们几乎就不许我去看她。皮果提信守她的应许，每星期都来看我，或在附近什么地方与我相会，而且她从没空手来过。但是我因为请求去她家去看她而受拒绝，这样的失望于我太多也太苦。只有很少几次，经过很长一段间隔后，我才被许可去那里！于是我发现巴吉斯先生有那么点算个小气鬼，或是像皮果提说的是“有点小心眼。”他把很多钱藏在他床下的箱子里，却诳称那里面只有衣和裤。他的钱财在这个金库被收藏得好不隐蔽严实，想要出一个小钱也得花心思来哄骗；因此，为了每个星期六的开销，皮果提准备的那长而周密的计划比得上政治阴谋。 ① -------- ①原文为Gunpowderplot，指17世纪时，弗克斯等人为报复当时英国政府对天主教的迫害，阴谋乘国会开会时炸死英王詹姆士一世。（译者注） 在所有这些日子里，我感到希望破灭和完全彻底地被冷落，如果没有那些旧书，我一定会十分苦恼了，对此我毫不怀疑。那些书是我唯一的安慰，我忠于它们有如它们忠于我一样，我反复读这些书，不知读了多少遍。 这时，我生命中又一阶段正在向我走近。只要我还能记起什么，我就不会忘记那个阶段。对于那一阶段的回忆常常不由我去想就涌现我面前。像鬼魂一样，纷扰了我的快乐时光。 一天，带着由我那种生活酿成的无精打采和默默思考的神情，我到外面什么地方转了一圈，就在快到我们房子的一个巷口拐角处，我碰到正和一个先生走来的默德斯通先生。我心慌意乱，正要从他们身边溜走时，那先生叫道： “哦！布鲁克斯！” “不，先生，是大卫·科波菲尔，”我说。 “别指教我。你就是布鲁克斯。”那人说，“你是谢菲尔德的布鲁克斯。这就是你的名字。” 听到这话，我更仔细地端详这人。我记起了他的笑声，我知道他就是奎宁先生，以前——我毋需记起那是什么时候——我曾和默德斯通先生去罗斯托夫特看过他。 “你过得怎么样，在哪受教育，布鲁克斯？”奎宁先生道。 他已经把手放在我肩上，让我转过身来和他们一起走。我不知道回答什么好，犹豫地看了看默德斯通先生。 “现在他呆在家里，”默德斯通先生说，“他没在任何地方受教育。我不知道把他怎么办好。他是个麻烦。” 和旧日一样阴冷险恶的眼光又落在我身上停了一会；然后他皱皱眉，眼光暗下去转向别处。 “嗯！”奎宁先生说着看看我们两人——我觉得是这样——“好天气呀！” 接着谁也没说话，我在想怎么才能把肩膀从他手里挣脱然后走开，这时他说道： “我想你是个挺机灵的家伙吧？呃，布鲁克斯？” “嘿！他够机灵了，”默德斯通先生很不耐烦地说，“你最好让他走。他不会为麻烦了你而感谢你的。” 听到这暗示，奎宁先生放了我，我便急忙往家走。转到前面花园的门口时，我朝后看，只见默德斯通先生靠着墓场的柱门，奎宁先生在对他谈话。他俩都在我身后看着我，我觉得他们在说我什么。 那天夜里，奎宁先生宿在我们的住宅里。第二天早上，吃过早饭后，我推开椅子，往屋外走去时，默德斯通先生把我叫了回来。他一脸严肃地走到另一张桌前，而他姐姐就坐在她的那张书桌边。奎宁先生两手插在口袋里，站在那儿看窗外；我站在那儿看着他们大家。 “大卫，”默德斯通先生说，“对青年来说，这是一个切实行动的世界，而不是一个游手好闲的世界。” ——“你就是那样的，”他姐姐补充道。 “珍·默德斯通，请让我来说。我说，大卫，对于青年来说，这是一个切实行动的世界，不是一个游手好闲的世界。尤其对一个像具有你这种气质的青年来说如此，你这种气质需要下很多功夫矫正；除了强迫这气质去服从劳动世界的规矩，去改造它，去压碎它，再没更好的办法对付它了。” “因为不允许倔强，”他姐姐说，“它所需要的是压碎。一定要压碎它，也一定能压碎它！” 他看了她一眼，半是反对，半是赞成，又继续说： “我想你知道，大卫，我并不富。不管怎么说，你现在知道了。你已受了相当多的教育了。教育是很花钱的；就算它不花钱而我也能供你，我仍然持这种看法：留在学校对你毫无好处。摆在你面前的是和世界斗一次，你开始得越早，就越好。” 我想我当时就认为我已经笨手笨脚地开始了；不过不管当时怎么想，我现在就这么认为的。 “你已经多次听人说起'帐房'了？”默德斯通先生说。 “帐房，先生？”我重复道。 “默德斯通和格林伯公司的，贩酒业的。”他答道。 我想我当时流露出犹疑，他马上说： “你已经听人说起过'帐房'，或那生意，或那酒窖，或那码头，或和它有关的什么。” “我想我听人说起过那生意，先生，”我说，我记起我对他和他姐姐两人的财产的模糊了解，“不过，我不记得是什么时候了。” “什么时候不关紧要，”他答道，“那生意由奎宁先生管着。” 我向站在那儿望窗外的奎宁先生满怀敬意地看了一眼。 “奎宁先生建议说，既然雇别的孩子，那么他觉得没理由不以同样条件雇你。” “他没有，”奎宁先生转过半边身子低沉地说，“别的前途了，默德斯通。” 默德斯通没留心他说的，做了个不耐烦，甚至是很气愤的手势，继续道： “那些条件是，你可以挣够你的吃喝和零花。你的住处（我已安排好了）由我付钱，你的洗衣费用也由——” “必须在我预算之内。”他姐姐说。 “你穿的也由我提供，”默德斯通先生说，“因为你一时还没法自己挣到。所以，你现在要随奎宁先生去伦敦了，大卫，去自己闯世界了。” “简言之，你得到赡养，”他姐姐说，“千万要尽责。” 虽说我很清楚，这一宣告是为了除掉我，可我记不清当时我对此是喜还是怕。我的印象是，当时我对此是处于一种迷乱状态中，处于喜和怕之间却又并不是喜或是怕。我也没多少时间整理我思绪，因为奎宁先生第二天就要动身。 第二天，就看看我吧——戴着顶很旧的小白帽，为了我母亲在上面缠了根黑纱；穿了件黑色短外套，下着条硬梆梆的黑棉布厚裤子（默德斯通小姐认为在我向世界作战时，这裤子是护腿的最好铠甲）——看看这样装束着的我吧，我所有的财产就装在我前面的一只小箱子里，这样一个孤苦伶丁的孩子（高米芝太太会这么说），坐上载着奎宁先生的邮车去雅茅斯换乘前往伦敦的车！看到了，我们的房子和教堂怎样在远处消失，从我昔日游戏的场地上向上高耸的尖尖的塔顶又怎样再也看不到了，天上空荡荡的了！