Chapter 6 lover(6)

Section VI I went back to Hélène Lagonelle.She was lying on a bench crying because she thought I was leaving boarding school soon.I sit on a bench.Hélène Lagonelle lay next to me, and I fell in love with her sensual body in a gorgeous dress.I have never seen breasts as beautiful as hers.I never touched it.Hélène Lagonelle was still a girl who didn't know how to be shy, she didn't know what shyness was, and she was able to walk up and down the corridors naked.The most beautiful thing that God bestows on the earth is the body of Elena Lagonelle, which is really indescribably beautiful.Her body and her pair of breasts hanging on her chest and seeming to be detached from her chest are very symmetrical.There is nothing more attractive than her ample breasts, her breasts are so full and protruding that they seem to be within your reach.In the face of such dazzling brilliance, even the coolie-like body of the little brother can't help being overshadowed.Men's bodies always look shriveled and showy.But their body shapes have been inconsistent for a long time, which is very different from Elena Lagonelle. Her shape cannot be maintained for a long time, and she is just a seasonal flower that will soon fall and fade.Hélène Lagonelle is from the Da Lat plateau.Her father was an official in the town.She came here just in the middle of term not so long ago.She is timid and afraid, and is often willing to stay by your side without saying a word, or cry and shed tears.She had the dark red complexion of mountain people, so it was easy to recognize her, because all the children here were pale and blue from anemia and the heat.Hélène Lagonelle doesn't attend secondary school, she doesn't know school, she doesn't know how to study, she doesn't remember anything.She was taking elementary school classes at boarding school, and those classes were of no use at all.She cuddled up against me and I stroked her hair and her hands and told her I was going to stay with her in boarding school.Elena didn't know that she was very beautiful.Her parents didn't know what kind of person they wanted to cultivate her into. They just wanted to marry her off as soon as possible. Elena could find any fiancé at will, but she didn't want to because she didn't want to get married. I want to go back home with my mother.In the end, she married according to her mother's wish.She is more beautiful than me in the jester's hat and golden shoes, but I am more mature than her and closer to the age of marriage.Of course Hélène Lagonelle is perfectly capable of being married, a spouse, but she doesn't know anything, you can frighten her, you can explain to her everything that frightens her, you can tell her to stay there and be good. wait.

Hélène Lagonelle doesn't yet know everything I know.But she was already a seventeen-year-old girl.As I suspect, what I know, she will never know. Hélène Lagonelle's body is heavy and innocent, her skin is as smooth and soft as the surface of some kind of fruit, and this softness will soon be imperceptible, leaving you only a little hallucinations.Hélène Lagonelle makes people think of killing her, and makes people dream of killing her with their own hands.Although she had an image of white flour in her body, she herself felt nothing, and these things were given to the hands that played with them, and to the mouth that sucked them, but she did not remember them, nor did she. Don't understand them, let alone their magical power.I wanted to suck Hélène Lagonelle the way he sucked me in that house in Chinatown where I went every night to learn more about God.I can't get enough of her breasts that look like white flour.I would like to take her where I go every night, have him with her, and I shall have a complete enjoyment through her, and then I will die.

I adored Lagonelle as I loved my lovers on the embankment, I saw them as alluring flesh and blood, only Lagonelle's complexion was brighter and more flawless.Her every action, every tear, every flaw, every ignorance can make his image repeated.Hélène Lagonelle was the wife of this poor man, this Chinese incomprehensible man of the embankment.Hélène Lagonelle also belongs to China. I haven't forgotten Hélène Lagonelle.I have not forgotten this poor man.Since I left for China, since I broke up with him, I haven't been close to any other man for two whole days.And this mystical allegiance should be my own.

I was still part of the family because that was where I lived and there was nowhere else.In this indifferent and difficult environment, I believe in myself most deeply, and I have my own most basic ambition, that is, I must engage in writing in the future. The hours I spent in the Embankment lovers' dormitory had brought fleeting joy to this gray and gray place.It is a suffocating place, a place of near death, of violence, of pain, of disappointment, of humiliation.This is where the commitment of my embankment lies.It's on the other side of the river.But one day, I will cross the river to find a new home.

I don't know what became of Hélène Lagonelle, or whether she is still alive now.She was the first to leave boarding school, long before I left for France.It was her mother who asked her to go back to Da Lat.I seem to remember telling her to go back and get married because she might run into someone who just came from the big city.Maybe I'm mistaken and I'm confusing what I'm imagining with the fact that Hélène Lagonelle was forced to return home on her mother's orders. Let me also tell you what is going on here.Here's how it happened: my elder brother stole the servant's money, and my mother's, in order to smoke opium.He ransacked boxes and cabinets, stole and gambled.Before his death, my father bought a house in the place called "Between the Two Seas".This is our only property.Because of his repeated failures in the casino, his mother had to sell the house to pay off his debts.But this is not enough.There is never enough time.When I was very young, he tried to sell me to the customers of Gouppel's Café.It is for him that my mother has the heart to live, for him to be able to eat and sleep warmly, and for him to be able to hear his name being called.Mother lived frugally and bought him a piece of land near Amboise with the savings of ten years.But this piece of real estate was mortgaged by him overnight.Mom had to pay the interest.He also lost all the wood cut from the forest farm I mentioned overnight.He also stole money from my dying mother.He is a house thief who specializes in rummaging through boxes and cabinets. He has a keen sense of smell and is good at searching. Whether it is piles of cloth or small hidden objects, he will not escape bad luck.He also stole things from relatives, such as jewelry, food, etc., and he stole a lot.He also stole from Aunt Du, the manservant, and my little brother.As for me, he naturally did not steal less.He almost sold his mother too.When his mother had just passed away and her bones were still cold, he hastily called in the notary and pretended to squeeze out a few crocodile tears.He is best at acting on the occasion, and at this moment he is like a mourning concubine.The notary said that the will was invalid, because the deceased was too partial to the interests of her eldest son to the detriment of mine.The difference is so big that it is ridiculous.I had to make a decision, accept it, or reject it.I accept: I sign.I finally accepted the will.The eldest brother lowered his eyes and said thank you.He whimpered and cried.He may be hunted by the authorities for collaborating with the enemy as a traitor in the South, and he no longer knows where to hide.He finally ran to my house to take shelter from the wind.I have never been very clear about the details, but he avoided a danger after all.Maybe he had betrayed some people, some Jews, he could have done all of these things.Whenever he killed someone, or when he needed your help, he always seemed very docile and affectionate.At that time my husband was still locked up in a concentration camp, and my eldest brother expressed sympathy for him.He lived in my house for three days.I forgot about his old habit, so whenever I went out, I didn't lock anything up.I was storing the sugar and rice I bought with my ration card so that I could eat it when my husband came back.He searched everywhere and took my things at will.He also rummaged through the small wardrobe in my bedroom.He finally found something he could lay his hands on.He took all my savings of fifty thousand francs, and kept nothing.He left my apartment with the stolen goods.When I saw him later, I didn't settle the old account with him, which was so embarrassing to him that I was ashamed to say so.After he found out about the forged will, he even sold the fake Louis XIV castle in exchange for a bite of bread.This transaction, like that will, is also fraudulent and deceptive.He had been alone since his mother's death, and he had no friend in the world.He never made friends, he had a few women "working" for him in Montpas, and sometimes he didn't make them work, at least not at first, and sometimes he didn't. Hire some men, but these men often have to pay him back.He was alone and lived in extreme loneliness, especially in his later years.He's also nothing more than a badass, and his movements are trivial.He scares those around him, that's all.He lost his true kingdom when he was with us.He was not yet a robber, but a bum in the family, a rummaging house mouse, and a murderer with his bare hands.But he never despaired.Since all villains can live, so can he. He has no courage, and he is worried and afraid all the time.Since his mother died, he has led a strange life.In Tours, he only knew the waiters in the cafe, and took them as his "channel" to understand the situation, and the group of regular customers who smelled of alcohol were his companions playing cards in the back hall of the cafe.He followed suit and began to imitate them. He drank desperately, his eyes were bloodshot and swollen, his mouth was crooked, and he looked fierce.He has nothing left in Tours.When he sold the two properties to pay off his debts, his sleeves were empty and empty.For a whole year he lived in the furniture storage room his mother had rented.He slept in an armchair for a whole year.Thanks to the kindness of the landlord at that time, he was allowed to enter the house and live there, so that he could stay there for a year.Later, the landlord finally issued an eviction order and turned him away.

During this year, why didn't he want to redeem his mortgaged real estate, he sold all the furniture his mother left in the furniture storage room one by one, and returned the bronze Buddha statue and copper utensils. , Later, even the bed, wardrobe and sheets were taken out as bets.In the end, everything was lost, and there was nothing but the clothes on his body.Alone, alone.During this year, no one wanted to take him in.He wrote to a cousin in Paris asking for help.Finally got a room for an orderly in Malsep.This old bachelor in his fifties finally found his first job in his life and received his first salary in his life.He is a handyman for a marine insurance company.I think he worked there for fifteen years.He went to the hospital, but did not die there, but in his own home.

Mom never said anything wrong with this child to anyone.She never complained about her son.She never told anyone about this sneaky, rummaging man.This kind of maternal love is simply a crime.He has been hiding this sinful maternal love.Such a mother's love is incomprehensible, even to God, to anyone who does not know her son.She always likes to talk about trivial things about her son.Originally, among the three of us, he should be the smartest, most endowed with "aesthetic sense", the most shrewd and capable, and he is also the one who loves his mother the most.All in all, he knew her best.She said, I really didn't expect a boy to be so sensitive, so full of deep feelings.

We met once later, and he told me about the scene when my little brother died.He said, My little brother, our little Paul died terribly, it was disgusting. I still have this picture of our family life in my mind: it was at the dinner table at the Embankment's house.The three of us, brother and sister, ate in the dining room.They are all seventeen or eighteen years old.Mom didn't eat with us.At first, my brother watched my little brother and I eat, then he put the fork down and stared at my little brother.He looked at him carefully, and then he suddenly said something harsh.He was talking about eating. He said that the little brother should limit himself a bit and not have enough to eat.The little brother didn't make a sound and continued to eat.He reminded him again, telling him not to forget that those big pieces of meat were specially reserved for him.He said: Don't come here.I asked him: Why is this meat light reserved for you?He said it was because it was reserved for me.I said: I really hope you die.I can't eat any more.The little brother couldn't eat it either.He was waiting, as long as the little brother dared to fight back, even if he uttered a word, his fists placed on the table would smash his head.The little brother remained silent.He was pale, and tears fell from between his eyelashes.

The day the eldest brother died was a gloomy day.I remember it was in the spring, one day in April.Someone called me that day.They said nothing but that he died on the floor in his room.The god of death finally came ahead of schedule when his history was coming to an end.In fact, his fate was already doomed when he was alive, but the god of death came too late.Ever since the younger brother died, his fate has been doomed. Mom had asked him to be buried with her.I can't remember where, or in what cemetery, I only know that it is in the Loire.They were both buried in the same tomb, and just the two of them.This is absolutely true.An unsightly, intolerable sight.

Throughout the year, dusk always falls at the same time.Twilight was very short, almost sudden.During the rainy season, the sun cannot be seen for several weeks, and the sky is always so foggy that even the moonlight cannot penetrate.But in the dry season, it is just the opposite, the sky is clear and white.Even those moonless nights are still brightly visible.Parallel shadows are cast on the ground, on the water, on the road and on the walls. I can't remember what it was like during the day.Because the sun's rays have tarnished the natural colors and suffered damage.But the scene at night, I remember clearly.That blue is at the end of the sky, behind the dense clouds and fog, the sky that covers the whole world. For me, the sky is a pure light trail under this blue. any other color.When we were still living in Yonglong, sometimes when my mother was in a bad mood, she would ask someone to put on the old-fashioned two-wheeled carriage, and we would drive the carriage to enjoy the wonderful scenery.The moonlight fell from the sky, sprinkled on the clear and transparent waterfalls, and sprinkled in the still, motionless air.The air is also blue, and people can hold it in their hands.The sky is this constant flickering light.The moonlight illuminated everything, illuminated the fields on both sides of the river, endlessly, as far as the end of the field of vision.Every night has a different scene and can be called by a different name.And that sound at night was the barking of the country dogs.They bark mysteriously, one after another, echoing each other, from village to village, endlessly, all night long.

On the path in the yard, the shadow of the custard apple tree was as black as ink.The whole garden froze in an indifferent stillness.The house, too, is at once magnificent and melancholy.The little brother walked behind me, and now and again he watched the gate open to the quiet road. Once he did not come to the gate of the middle school to wait for me.Only the driver was sitting in the black car.He told me that the young master went back to Sadec because his father was ill.And said he—the driver—was ordered to stay in Saigon to take me to school and pick me up from the boarding school.A few days later, the young master came back.He sat in the back seat of the black car again, always turning his face away because he was afraid of being seen, he was always in fear.We kissed each other without saying a word, hugging and kissing again and again, completely forgetting that we were at the school gate.He kisses and weeps.His father still had to live.His last hope was dashed.He once made this request to his father.He begged his father to let him continue to keep me with him, begged him to understand his feelings, and said that his father would have experienced such a strong and unstoppable love at least once in his life.He begged his father to allow him also to enjoy a mad love affair with the white girl, he begged his father to allow him to love her fully, at least for another year, before she was sent back to France.Because for him, this budding love is so strong that he cannot abandon it, and this physical separation is really terrible, not to mention his father also knows that this kind of love will never happen in the future. His father made it clear to him repeatedly that he did not want to see his son die. We soaked together in the cold water of the bathtub, we kissed and wept, we couldn't bear to live, but this time, we really suffered because we were enjoying a comfort that could not be obtained.Afterwards I told him that there was nothing to regret, and I repeated to him what he had just said, that I might leave for my country at any time, because I could not decide my own course of action then.He said that from now on, he will be powerless in all these things, because the overall situation is fixed and cannot be undone.I told him that I agreed with his father's opinion, and I also said that I would not continue to hang out with him.But I didn't state my reasons. Vinh Long is a long avenue stretching down to the banks of the Mekong River.After nightfall, the street is always deserted.That night, as it happens almost every night, the power suddenly went out.That's when things started happening.As soon as I set foot on the high street, the electricity was cut just as the garden gate closed behind me.So I ran, because I was afraid of the dark.I run faster and faster.Suddenly, I seemed to hear another person running behind me.I'm sure the man behind me was running after me, following my footsteps.As I ran, I looked back.Then I saw: This is a tall and thin woman, as thin as a dead person, laughing while running.Barefoot, she followed me closely, trying to catch me.I recognized her.She is the madwoman in the town, the madwoman from Yonglong.The first time I heard her speak, she always spoke at night, but slept a lot during the day, and was often on this street, in front of this garden gate.As she ran, she yelled in a language I couldn't understand.I was so frightened that I couldn't even cry out.I was probably only eight years old then.I heard her wild laughter and howling.She must be making fun of me.It is this inner fear that remains in my memory.It would be an understatement to say that this fear surpassed my reason, my strength.I was literally out of my mind.At that time, if that madman touched me with his hand, even lightly, I would be more pitiful than death, and I would become a madman.I ran into the neighbor's garden, I wanted to get into the house, but when I just climbed the steps, I fell in front of the door.Many days later, I still have lingering fears and cannot describe what happened to me that night. I have long been concerned about the deterioration of the mother's mental state - which I cannot yet describe as morbid - in which she is in whenever she is separated from her child.I guess only I know how I'm going to be when that day comes, and it's impossible for my brothers to know because they can't imagine Mom in that state of mind.