Chapter 4 lover(4)

fourth quarter On the sidewalk, the noisy crowd was bustling, in an endless stream, some in a hurry, some in a hurry.We had to squeeze our way through the crowd.This flow of people is like a group of ownerless, annoying dogs, or a group of aimless beggars scurrying here and there.This is the Chinese crowd.This kind of crowd can still be seen even in today's prosperous scene.They have the habit of walking in groups, they are never in a hurry, but they seem to be crowded in the noisy crowd, but they seem to have no happiness, no sadness, and no curiosity, they only know how to walk, and they cannot see them. Where to go, just walk here and there, they are alone in the crowd, but they never feel lonely.

We came to a Chinese restaurant with balconies, which took up the entire building, as big as a department store, with many single rooms, all with balconies or terraces facing the street.The sound coming from these buildings is incredible in Europe.First came the yelling of restaurant patrons asking for food, followed by the chef's loud echo.In such a high-end restaurant, no one should have spoken during the banquet.There are Chinese bands on the platform.We came to the quietest floor, which is a floor dedicated to Europeans. In fact, the menu is the same, but here it is not so loud.There are electric fans and thick soundproof panels on the walls.

I asked him about how his father got rich.He said he was bored when it came to money, but I insisted he talk, and he was willing to tell me what he knew.He said that at the beginning, his father built many one-room houses for the local people on the embankment, and built a total of 300 units.At that time, several streets belonged to my father's property.He spoke French with a Parisian accent, although his tone was a little stiff, and he talked about money naturally and freely.He went on to say that his father originally owned many houses, but they were all sold later in order to re-sell the land to build a house in the south of Di'an City, and even the rice fields in Sa Dec were sold.I asked him some questions about the epidemic.I said that because of the plague, I had seen several streets of single houses all shut up, and even the doors and windows of the houses were nailed and sealed.He said that there are fewer plagues here because the rodent control campaign is better here than in the countryside.He suddenly blew to me about those little one-room houses.It is true that they are much cheaper than ordinary houses, and they are more suitable for the needs of local people than those scattered houses, because the residents here like to live together, especially these poor residents. Down, so also like to live outside, even on the street.The habits of the poor should not be destroyed.His father happened to have just built many houses with arcades facing the street, forming a series of rain-proof corridors.This makes the street appear brighter and more pleasant.People like to spend the day under the promenade.When the weather is very hot, they can also sleep there.I said that I also like living on the porch outside. When I was young, sleeping outside became my ideal.I suddenly feel a little pain.But it's very slight, just barely noticeable.It's because the heart beats slightly differently, because of the wound he just left me, and it's him, the one who's talking to me, the one who's had fun on me this afternoon.I never heard him say anything again, I never heard him speak again.He saw it and stopped talking.I told him to go on.I started listening again.He said he missed Paris a lot.He felt that I was very different from those Parisians, that I was far less enthusiastic than they were.I said that the business of that house may not be able to make so much money.He never answered my question again.

In the whole year and a half we have been together, we have been talking about various topics, but never about ourselves, because our common future has never been and will never be realized, so we never talk about the future.We only talk about some news-like news, half-understood, nonsense. I told him that his time in France must have been alluring to him, and he agreed with me.He said he bought everything in Paris: women, knowledge and ideas.He was twelve years older than me, and that frightened him a little.I listened to him tell how he had been duped, how he loved me, and so on, all with a customary but sincere theatricality.

I told him I was going to introduce him to my family and he wanted to run away as soon as I heard that, I laughed. He can only express his feelings through comical parody.I found that he didn't have the courage to stand up to his father in order to love me, marry me, and take me away.He often cried because he couldn't find the strength to love me over his fear.His heroism is manifested in his love for me and his father's money, and he is servile and bows his head. When I talk about my brother, he immediately becomes frightened and reveals himself.He had thought that everyone around me was waiting for his proposal.But he now knows that he has lost hope in the eyes of my family, and for such a family, he can only lose more and more, and eventually even I will lose.

He said he had gone to a commercial school in Paris, but he finally told the truth that he had learned nothing and achieved nothing there, so that his father had to cut off his financial aid and send him a return letter. votes, so helpless that he was forced to leave France.As a result, it was a tragedy for him, because he hadn't finished the course of this business school.He said he planned to finish his major here by correspondence course. He started meeting my family at the Grand Hotel on the Embankment.At that time, my mother and my two elder brothers were both coming to Saigon. I told him that we should take this opportunity to invite them to the biggest Chinese restaurant, because they had never seen such a big world, and they had never eaten in a big restaurant.

Dinner always goes the same way.My two older brothers never bothered to talk to him, so much as they devoured food.Didn't even bother to look at him.If they had known how to treat him with courtesy, they would have learned how to obey these most basic laws of social life.At dinner, only my mother talked.But she didn't talk much, mainly at the beginning, she said something about the food being too expensive, and then she was silent.As for him, the first two times he summoned up courage and tried in vain to speak of his glorious deeds in Paris.He also seemed to have nothing to say, or they didn't seem to hear him.His attempt also had to disappear in silence.My two elder brothers were still there and continued to eat big mouthfuls. I seem to have never seen their greedy look.

He paid the bill and put the money in the saucer.Everyone looked at him.I remember the first time he paid seventy-seven piastres.My mom almost burst out laughing.Everyone got up and walked out of the restaurant.No one said thank you, no one said anything.They never thanked him for such a good dinner, never said hello, never said goodbye, never asked how he was, never said a word to each other. My two older brothers never spoke a word to him.It seemed to them that he was non-existent, unimportant, unfeelable to them, invisible to them, deaf to him.This is because he is bowing at my skirts at the moment, asking for something from me, and they can conclude that I will not love him, which is impossible, so he can bear any pressure from me, as long as this love Just don't blow it off.Also, because he is a Chinese, not a Caucasian.The reason why my brother kept silent and ignored the existence of my lover came from this belief that his behavior is our model.Therefore, facing my lover, our whole family imitated my elder brother.Me too, I couldn't talk to him in front of them either.I should never have spoken to him in front of my family, except to pass on a word for them now and then.For example, after dinner, my two older brothers told me they wanted to go drink and dance at the Fountain.First he pretended not to hear.And me, I shouldn't, according to my elder brother's logic, I shouldn't repeat what he just said, and I can't say it a second time. If I say it, it will be wrong, and I will definitely be complained by my lover.So he finally answered me.He whispered in an intimate way, and said he wanted to be alone with me for a while.The purpose of his saying this was to decline the request just now.At this time, I had no choice but to pretend that I didn't hear clearly, as if this added another hidden danger, as if his purpose of saying this was to expand the situation and criticize my brother.That being the case, I'd better ignore it.But he didn't finish, and then he said to me—he really had the guts to say—that your mother is very tired, and you should stay and take care of her.Admittedly, Mom always felt sleepy after a good dinner at the Chinese restaurant on the Embankment.I didn't dare to talk too much.Then I heard my brother's voice, and he said a very short sentence, sharp and clear.Mom immediately praised him: "He is the only one of my three children who can talk."As soon as the voice fell, my brother waited.Everyone stopped; I saw my lover's timidity, and my second brother was equally frightened.He couldn't stand it any longer.So we went to the Fountain Ballroom.Mom followed to the "Spring" ballroom, and she was going to the "Spring" ballroom to take a nap.

In front of my brother, he had to pretend to be serious.In fact, he is still my lover, but he is nothing to me at this moment.He became an unattainable person.And my lust must also submit to the majesty of my elder brother, who denied my lover.Whenever I see my eldest brother and my lover at the same time, I feel unbearable.In front of my elder brother, he has become a shameless person, and our relationship has become a shame that should be concealed.I can't resist these silent orders from my elder brother. If it were my younger brother, I could definitely contradict him.For my lover, I cannot restrain myself emotionally.Whenever I recall these memories today, I see again the hypocritical face of my elder brother and his absent-minded demeanor when he was having dinner with my lover. He often looks away thoughtfully.However, it could be seen from the way he gritted his teeth lightly that he was getting annoyed and disturbed by playing that dastardly act.He always feels that it is only right and proper to go to a high-end restaurant to have a full meal under the light of my lover.In the memory, the scene of the hunter's night is vivid again.There was a shrill siren and a child's cry.

In the Fountain, too, no one spoke to him. Everyone ordered a glass of Martell.My two brothers downed it in one gulp, then asked for a second glass.My mother and I gave them all our wine.The two brothers soon got so drunk that they not only still didn't talk to him, but started talking sarcasticly.Especially the second brother.He complained that the place was too depressing, that there were no dancing girls.Indeed, the "Spring Water" ballroom usually has very few customers except on weekends.My second brother and I danced.I also danced with my mistress, but never with my elder brother, because I was always stymied by a sense of some danger, a disturbing fear that he could do anything to anyone. This inauspicious temptation also lies in our physical proximity.

Our brothers and sisters look very similar, especially our faces are surprisingly similar. The Chinese on the embankment was talking to me, and his tears were about to come out of his eyes. He said: How did I offend them?I told him not to be disturbed by it, because that's always been the way they were, even among our family, and that's how we've always lived, wherever and whenever. I would explain it to him when we met in his one-room dorm.I told him that my elder brother's rough, cold, domineering style was all directed at our business.His instinctive reaction was to kill, to destroy life, to dominate life, to despise others, to drive them away, to make them suffer.I told him not to be afraid, that he would take no chances.Because the only person my elder brother is afraid of is me, he will naturally be surprisingly timid in front of me. Never said hello, good night, happy new year.Never said thank you.Never talk, never need to talk.They all stayed there, silent and distant.This is a family of hard-hearted people, so rigid that there is no one close to them.Every day we try to hurt each other, even kill each other.Not only did we not say a word, we didn't even look at each other.Even if they met head-on, they turned a blind eye to each other.Anyone who glanced at anyone meant curiosity and disrespect.Therefore, mutual disdain.The word conversation no longer exists among us.I think the most appropriate words here are "brazen" and "huge".The whole community, family or not, is abominable and shameful to us.We all think that life itself is a disgrace.This is the most fundamental element of our three shared histories, brother and sister, because we are all children of this kind mother who was murdered by society.We stand on the side of a society that once pushed moms to the point of no return.We hate life and ourselves because of what people do to our such a sweet, confident mom. Mom didn't foresee what her disappointment would do to us, and I mean mostly the boys, the sons.However, even if she had foreseen it, could she keep silent about her own life experience?Can you fake her voice, her eyes and her maternal love?No, as far as she was concerned, she should have committed suicide long ago and dissolved this difficult family.It's time to separate the boss from the two brothers and sisters.But she didn't do that.She is so careless, she is so thoughtless, she is so irresponsible.She has always been like this.She is no longer alive.The three of us love her more than a normal mother-child relationship.Based on this alone, she shouldn't have kept her mouth shut, concealed, or lied to us.Although we brothers and sisters have three personalities, we all have the same heart for her. This period of history is long, and it lasted for seven years.At first I was ten, then I was twelve.Then I was thirteen.Then fourteen, fifteen.Then sixteen, seventeen. Mother has lived through these years, seven years.In the end, her hopes were finally shattered, her ideals were finally abandoned, and even her ambition to block the sea was abandoned.We looked at the Siam Mountains opposite from the shade of the balcony. Although the sun was high, the balcony was often dim, almost pitch black.The younger brother died during the Japanese occupation in December 1942. I left Saigon in 1931 after I had passed my Secondary Education Examination.During these ten years, he wrote me only one letter.Why in the end, I can't figure it out.His letter was very well written, rewritten without error, and with good calligraphy.In his letter he told me that they were doing well and that my mother's school was going well.This is a long letter covering two pages.I can still recognize his handwriting as a child.He also told me he owned a house, a car, and the name of the car.He said he was playing pool again, that he was fine, everything was going well, and how he liked me and hugged me so tight.He didn't talk about the war, and he didn't talk about our big brother. Whenever I talk about my two brothers, I always think of them as a whole, just like my mother did, and she always did.I said: my brothers, she said the same outside: my sons.She always likes to use some ugly words to describe how strong her two sons are.As for their physical appearance, she never went into detail, she didn't say that the eldest was much stronger than the second, she just said that the eldest was as strong as her northern peasant brothers.She was as proud of her son's strength as an ox, as she had been of her big brother in the old days.Like her elder son, she looked down on those who were weak.To my embankment lover, she and my brother sing a tune.I don't want to write about their words, because the sarcasm is as disgusting as a rotting corpse in the desert.I said: My brothers, that’s because that’s what I said before.It was only later that I changed my words, because by then my little brother had grown up and was an abused person too. In our family, not only have there never been any holidays, we have never seen a Christmas tree, an embroidered handkerchief, or a bouquet of flowers; not even a buried ancestor, neither a grave, nor any A man to be missed.Only by herself.The eldest brother later became a murderer.The little brother died in the hands of big brother Kong Kong.But I flew far away and finally escaped.Until she died, only her eldest brother followed her.At that time, my mother was furious because of the image of my embankment-my lover.She knew nothing of what happened on the embankment.But I could see that she was spying on me, and I knew she already had suspicions.She knew her daughter well, and she had noticed that the child had been acting unsteadily for a while, seemed to be a little more reserved, more attractive, and spoke more slowly than usual, and she used to be curious about everything, but now she was a With an absent-minded look, even his eyes have changed.She had become a spectator of her mother's misfortune, as if she were following in her mother's footsteps.It all brings sudden insecurities into Mama's life, because her daughter is at the greatest risk of ever marrying, never being able to hold her own in the society against which she will have nothing, nothing Hope, lonely and lonely.Mom jumped on me yelling and she locked me in the room and punched me and slapped me and stripped me and came and smelled me and my underwear and she said she found I smelled of that Chinese perfume, and she loomed over me to see if there was any suspicious stain on my underwear.Then she howled so loudly that the whole town could hear her, and said her daughter was a whore and she was going to throw her out of the house, and said she wanted to see me die instantly, and never again Who would want me, say that I am shameless, even worse than a dog.As she cried, she said what was the use of raising such a daughter, she might as well drive her out of the house as soon as possible, in order to dirty the place. My older brother is behind the wall of the room that shuts me in. The eldest brother was there to help his mother, and he told her that the child should be spanked.His voice was deep, kind, and gentle, and he told her that no matter what, he must find out the truth of the matter, not to let this girl go astray, and not to disappoint her mother.Mom beat me with all her strength.The second brother yelled at his mother to leave me alone.The second brother ran into the garden, he hid, he was afraid that I would be killed, he was afraid, he was always afraid of this stranger—our elder brother.The little brother's fear calmed down the mother's anger.She weeps for the woes of her life and for her disgraced daughter.I also cried with her.I swear nothing ever happened in my life, not even a kiss.I said: How do you think I can do this with a Chinese, how can I do this with a Chinese who is ugly and delicate?I know that my elder brother is leaning against the door, he is listening there, she knows what my mother is doing, he knows that my sister is being beaten naked, and he hopes that my mother can continue to beat until something goes wrong.Mom didn't know about the insidious and vicious intentions of elder brother. We were all very young then.The elder brother and the younger brother often fight for no reason, and it is often the elder brother who says to the younger brother: Get out, don't get in the way here!As he spoke, he began to fight.They just beat each other, no one said a word, only heard their panting, screaming pain, and the muffled sound of their fists.No matter what the situation, Mom always accompanied the battle scenes with a shouting, operatic voice. They were all equally irascible, the kind of irascibility you only see between brothers, sisters, or parents.The eldest brother feels uncomfortable when he is not at home and outside the house, doing evil and deceiving others.And the little brother was distressed because he was helpless after witnessing the horrific act of the big brother. When they interacted with each other, we worried that the younger brother would be killed, and we also worried that the older brother would be killed.Mom used to say that they always fought together, never played together, never talked together.The only thing they have in common is that they have the same mother, especially the same sister, but that's just the same blood. I think my mother only said: my child when she mentioned her eldest brother.Sometimes she called him that too.As for the other two children, she always said: The two youngest.