Chapter 21 Chapter Nineteen

For the rest of the week, Deborah disappeared without a trace.It was somewhat of a blow to my self-esteem, and no matter how much I hated to admit it, there was nothing I could do without her help.I can't think of any other way to get rid of Doakes, and he continues to stalk me. The Nightcrawler was rolling, crying, struggling to get out and take the wheel, but Doakes was just outside the windshield, forcing me to restrain myself.I've worked so hard to build a nearly perfect life for so many years, and I don't want to ruin it now.Nightcrawler and I can wait a little longer.Harry taught me restraint, and restraint will surely get me through until better times come.

"Be patient," said Harry. "Dex, it's more important to be patient than smart. You're smart already." "Thank you," I said.Actually, I say this out of politeness.Sitting in Harry's ward I didn't feel at all comfortable, the air was filled with struggling pain and dying. "As far as you're concerned, you've got to be more patient. You think you're so smart that everything you do will go unnoticed, but you're not that smart, and no one is." He paused, and again Coughed up, longer this time and seemed heavier.Harry was the indestructible super cop, my adoptive father, and now he's shaking, flushed, with tears in the corners of his eyes - it's too much for me.

"I know you, Dex, better than yourself." Of course I believed this sentence, but his next sentence was completely unexpected, "You are a good person at heart." "No, I'm not," I said, thinking there were so many marvelous things he'd never allowed me to do, that even the thought of doing them would wipe me out of the good guys entirely. "You've got to believe in yourself. Your heart isn't going bad, Dex," he said, and collapsed on the hospital bed, coughing violently.He coughed for several minutes this time, then leaned weakly against the pillow, closed his eyes and rested for a while.However, when he opened his eyes again, they were still firm and bright. "Be patient, you've got a long way to go, and I'm running out of time, Dexter."

"I know," "That's what I mean," he said. "You've got to learn to say no, learn to be patient, and you have plenty of time." "But you're running out of time," I said, not sure what he wanted to say. "Yes, I'm running out of time, but people are still coaxing me to make me feel better." "Do you know?" "No," he said and opened his eyes again, "you can't use logic to analyze people's behavior. You have to be patient, open your eyes to watch, and learn from others, or you will mess things up and get arrested." One right and then... half of my legacy. Your sister will be a good cop and you will be different and stand for real justice if you're patient. If there's no chance, Dexter, you'll have to wait The opportunity presented itself."

All this is so incomprehensible to an eighteen-year-old devil who is still in the apprenticeship stage.I wanted to do that very simple thing, dancing freely in the moonlight with a shining blade - such a simple thing, so natural and beautiful - cut all the bullshit, straight to the point, but Harry made it complicated up. "I don't know what I'm going to do when you're dead," I said. "You'll do well," he said. "There's so much to remember." Harry reached out a hand and pressed a button that hung beside the bed. "You'll remember," he said, "that what you want to do is not guaranteed to be done, so when you can't do it, you have to wait. No matter what... pressure you have...."

At this moment, a nurse hurried in with a syringe, and Harry stretched out his arm for the nurse to give him an injection.I watched him silently as he lay there, not flinching from the injection.He knew that the relief from the medication was only temporary, that his life was coming to an end, and that nothing could be done.He knew he wasn't afraid and would face it, just as he was right with everything else in his life.I also know something: Harry understands me.No one has understood me except him, and there will never be another person in the future.Only Harry. If I ever wanted to be a human being, the only reason I wanted to be was to be more like him.