Chapter 1 shotgun
The thin "Hunter" magazine is the organ magazine of the Japanese Hunter Club.In its most recent issue, a prose poem of mine titled "Shotgun" appeared.
In this way, everyone may hear that I am somewhat interested in hunting, but in fact, I was raised by a mother who hated killing, and I have never even touched an air gun.The thing is this: I have a classmate in high school who accidentally became the editor of "Hunt Friends" magazine, and I, despite my age, have not broken up with the fanzines of poet friends and still write unique poems, so he asked me for a poem draft.This was probably due to his whim at the time, and it contained the etiquette of expressing divorce after a long absence.Because "Hunting Friend" is a special magazine that has nothing to do with me, and the other party asked for a manuscript first, asking for materials related to hunting. If it was normal, I would immediately reject it.But just at this time, due to a small incident by chance, the relationship between the shotgun and the loneliness of people triggered my poetic interest, and I am planning to find a time to write this theme into a work.So it occurred to me that "Hunting Friends" is an extremely suitable magazine to publish this work.At the end of November, on a night when the night was getting colder and colder, I sat down at my desk and wrote, until after midnight, I wrote a unique prose poem.The next day, I hurriedly sent it to the editorial department of "Hunting Friends".
This is the ins and outs of the prose poem "Shotgun", which is somewhat involved in the notes to be written below, so I copy it here.
Holding a huge pipe in his mouth, he led the way. His high-waisted shoes trampled the ground frost in a mess. He brushed aside the grass in early winter and walked on the road leading to Tiancheng Mountain.On the shortcut, walk slowly.A belt full of twenty-five rounds of ammunition, a black-brown leather jacket, a Churchill double-barreled shotgun on his shoulders, and the steel equipment that kills the life of the prey flashes with white light. Why must he be so ruthlessly armed?This tall hunter walked past me, and for some reason, his back view strongly attracted my heart.
Since then, the bustling bustling stations and busy streets of the metropolis often make me suddenly think: ah!I want to start like that hunter, calm, ruthless, and slowly... Whenever this happens, the background of the hunter is outlined in my eyes, but this background is not the cold Tiancheng Mountain in early winter, but the indifferent white The river bed, and a polished shotgun, with a refreshing sense of weight, pressed on the lonely heart and body of the middle-aged man at the same time, emitting a light that can never be seen when aiming at animals. A flash of incredible blood-stained beauty.
The issue of "Shotgun" arrived from a friend, and when I was flipping through it, my negligence suddenly realized.His work bears the serious title of "Shotgun", and its mood is quite different from that of this magazine. It sings against the hunting, sportsmanship or health appeal scattered everywhere.Only the page included in "Shotgun" has carved out an isolated and completely different special field, almost like a leased land.It goes without saying that what I have written into this work is the essential character of the shotgun, which I have grasped with my poetic intuition.If that's an exaggeration, at least that's what I meant to say.From this point of view, I am conceited, and I don't need to be humble at all.If "Shotgun" appeared in other magazines, of course nothing would happen.Precisely because "Hunting Friends" is the official magazine of the Japanese Hunter Club, and its mission is to promote hunting as the most healthy and open-minded interest, so when "Shotgun" is published on it, my view of hunting guns is more or less suppressed. As a heresy, of course, it also has the nature of keeping people at a distance.Only after I realized this did I understand my friend’s confusion when he held my manuscript in his hand. I’m afraid he hesitated a lot.I also imagined how he dared to publish "Shotgun" and how cautious he was with me, who was full of friends.I feel sad because of what happened back then.Maybe, I thought, someone from the Hunter's Club would protest to me.However, this was nothing more than my unfounded worry. No matter how long it took, I didn't even receive a postcard expressing my protest.Fortunately, unfortunately?My work has been utterly dismissed by hunters across the country, or rather not read at all.Two months later, the matter had cleared from my mind, and one day a stranger named Misugi Rōsuke sent me a letter.
Regarding the inscriptions engraved on an ancient stele on Mount Tai, I have read comments from later generations of historians, saying that the inscriptions are like the brilliance of a bright white sun after a strong autumn wind has passed.I held the big white envelope from Josuke Misugi in my hand.The words I saw written by Sansugi Rangsuke on the envelope, if it is exaggerated, are indeed no different from the inscription on the inscription.Today, when the inscription has long disappeared, and not even a rubbing copy has survived, it is impossible to imagine what kind of charm and style its handwriting has.However, Sansugi Rangsuke's large-character cursive script is not the case, as if seeping from the inside of the envelope, when you look at it suddenly, it gives people a sense of boldness, gorgeous and exquisite brushwork.But staring at it for a while, it makes people feel that it seems like a kind of empty emotion from the words.So, I suddenly thought of the above-mentioned historian's comment on the Mount Tai inscription. —The envelope seems to be held in the left hand, the tip of the pen is soaked in ink, and the pen is swiped in one go.But different from the so-called sophistication, the brushwork reveals signs of the author's particular indifference, lack of expression and lack of interest.In other words, from the very beginning of the free and unrestrained brushwork, the author is in a bad mood, which makes people feel like the self of modern people, without the cliché and affectation of playing with brush and ink.
Regardless of these things, I said that the style of this letter is outstanding. When I found it in the crude wooden mailbox at home, it looked so gorgeous, and it seemed a bit misplaced.I opened the envelope, only to see five or six big characters written on each line on the long rice paper letterhead, and the brushwork was also chic and free.
"I am interested in hunting. I had a chance to read the masterpiece "Shotgun" in the magazine "Hunting Friends". Poetry is an unprecedented thing. Forgive me for being rude, although it is the first time I have learned the honorable name, but after reading "Shotgun", I have been moved like never before."
The letter begins roughly like this. When my eyes first glanced at this passage, I couldn't help but think of the long-forgotten prose poem "Shotgun".After all, I thought, there was a protest from the hunters, and from a comparable opponent.I felt a moment of tension.However, as I read on, it suddenly dawned on me that the content of the letter was totally different from what I expected, and what I wrote was something I hadn't expected at all.Misugi Rangsuke has always maintained etiquette, and his words are solemn, but on the other hand, he has not forgotten to maintain a self-confidence and calmness like handwriting. It is a quite methodical article.
"The character described in "Shotgun" is probably me. Is it appropriate to imagine this? I think it was at the beginning of November, when I went to the Tiancheng Mountain hunting ground, somewhere in the village at the foot of the mountain, I never thought of my tall The back view comes into your eyes. The black and white setter specially trained to catch pheasants, the Churchill shotgun given to me by my teacher when I was in London, and even the pipe I love so much are also seen by you, I feel extremely panic. , My slow-witted and shy state of mind is also suitable for the poetic environment, and I feel both honored and ashamed in my heart. Now, I really admire the extraordinary power of observation of this special person like a poet."
After reading this, as he said, I recalled the scene five months ago.It was one morning, in a small hot spring village in Beijing, I was walking on a path in the cedar forest, and suddenly I met a hunter.However, what caught my eyes at that time was only the back of a hunter walking alone, and I couldn't think of anything other than this vague impression.I only remember him as a tall gentleman, and I don't even have the impression of age, not to mention his appearance.
Originally, I didn't pay special attention to observe him.At that time, a gentleman came from the opposite side with a shotgun on his shoulder and a pipe in his mouth. He was different from ordinary hunters. He was surrounded by an atmosphere of contemplation and reverie. In the cold air of the early winter morning, his figure was clearly visible. visible.So, after he brushed past me, I looked at him.He left the path he had come along and walked up the hill shaded by miscellaneous trees.He moved his high-waisted shoes carefully, lest he would slip, and stepped up the extremely steep mountain path with firm and strong steps.I stared at him for a long time, and that figure, just like the one described in "Shotgun", somehow turned into a kind of loneliness, deeply reflected in my eyes.At that time, I knew that the hound he was carrying was a Setter, and I still had some knowledge about it. As for identifying what kind of shotgun he was carrying, for me, who didn't know much about hunting, I could first There is nothing I can do.I know that the most advanced shotguns are Churchill and Richard. It is all the knowledge I acquired when I wrote "Shotgun" in the future.It is completely out of my own will, I do whatever I want in the work, and let the gentleman carry the Churchill shotgun on his back.It's just a coincidence that the carry-on of the real character Misugi Rangsuke happened to be the same. Therefore, even if the person involved now volunteers to claim that the protagonist of the prose poem is himself, I just think: "Oh, that's right." The actual person in my mind, Misugi Rangsuke, is still a stranger to me.
Misugi Rangsuke continued: "You may find it inconceivable to suddenly talk about strange things. I am holding three letters sent to me by others. I originally planned to burn them, but after reading the masterpiece "Shotgun ", I met someone like you again. I suddenly changed my mind and wanted to ask you to read these three letters. I feel sorry for disturbing your peace. I will send these three letters in another letter, please read them at your leisure Okay? I have no intention other than asking you to read it. I have seen your so-called 'white river bed'. What does it refer to? I would like to ask you to enlighten me. People are really stupid, as if they want to learn from others. I have never been in such a mood before. However, when I know that you have expressed special concern for me, I suddenly want to let you know everything about me. After reading these three letters, just destroy them all for me. Again, it seems that you saw me in Izu not long after you received these three letters. However, speaking of my interest in hunting, it can be traced back to the past several years ago. I was alone then and now. The situation is different, in both public and private life, no matter what, the flaws have not yet been revealed, and it seems that an indissoluble bond has been formed with the shotgun at that time. Forgive me for adding this."
On the third day after I read this letter, I received those three letters from the same sender as the first two, with the words "Izu Hotel·Misugi Rangsuke".It was a letter sent by three women to Josuke Misugi.I read them, no, it was my feelings after reading them, so I won’t write them here, I plan to copy them here.However, I would like to say one last thing. I think Josuke Sansugi seems to be a person of considerable status in society. I checked the gentry directory, directory of people and other materials, but in the end I didn’t find his name. I’m afraid it’s because of him. And incognito.Another thing I want to say in advance is that when I copied the letter rhyme, I found that many places were smeared out with a lot of pen and ink. Among them, I thought that the place where my real name was clearly written was added with the name of Sansugi Rangsuke, who appeared in the letter. All other characters have assumed pseudonyms.
Qiangzi's letter
Uncle, Uncle Rangsuke:
Three weeks have passed since my mother passed away.Since yesterday, the condolence guests no longer come to the door, and the house is suddenly silent.My mother has passed away, and this kind of sadness gradually turned into a real sigh, which penetrated into my heart. Uncle must be exhausted.You will take care of everything about mother's funeral, from notifying relatives to supper for the vigil.What's more, my mother's death is so strange, you have repeatedly negotiated with the police on my behalf, I am grateful for your care, I really don't know how to express my gratitude.After finishing the work, you rushed to Tokyo immediately because of the company's work.My heart is with you, but don't break down your body all at once.
I'm imagining that, according to the plan you set out at the time of departure, you have finished your work in Tokyo today and are fascinated by the beautiful scenery of the miscellaneous woods in Izu.It was a place I was also familiar with. Its scenery was bright, but overall it had a cool and gloomy tone like a porcelain painting.I want you to read this letter during your stay in Izu, I took up my pen.
I want to write such a letter, so that after my uncle reads it, he will be immersed in the state of mind of smoking a pipe and letting the wind blow.However, I couldn't write it down.Since just now, I have no way to write the next words, and several sheets of letter paper have been destroyed by me.This was never estimated.I want to express my current feelings with an innocent and simple heart, and I am eager to get my uncle's understanding. I have thought hard several times and pondered the way of writing, and finally completed the idea of the letter.Then, as soon as you pick up the pen, what you want to say will appear on the paper, otherwise, it will be counterproductive.In fact, sad thoughts are like the stormy sea in Ashiya, with white waves rushing in from all directions, messing up my mind.Still, I'm going to write.
Uncle, can we talk?Talk about what I already know about Uncle and Mom.All this, I only knew about it on the eve of my mother's death.I secretly read my mother's diary.
If you turn this matter into words and have to confide in it, how painful it would be!I thought that no matter how hard I tried, it would be difficult for me to utter a word as a summary.Because it is a letter, it can be expressed with a pen.I'm not worried, nor frightened, just sad.The tongue is numb with this sorrow.Not for my uncle, not for my mother, and not for myself.Everything is due to the world that surrounds me, the blue sky, the autumn sun in October, the beauty of the mangrove trees, the bamboo leaves swaying in the wind, and the stones, water, and land, that's all I can see The nature of my life, at the moment when I was about to speak, was cast with a color of sadness.Since the day I read my mother's diary, I have noticed that the nature that surrounds me, two or three times a day, sometimes up to five or six times, is like a cloud covering the sun, instantly cast a layer of sadness .As long as I think about my uncle and my mother, the world that surrounds me suddenly becomes another world.Uncle, besides the red, green and other thirty kinds of colors in the painting box, there is also a sad color, and it is a sad color that can be clearly captured by human eyes, do you know?
The story of my uncle and my mother told me that there is love in the world that cannot be blessed by anyone, and should not be blessed.The love between uncle and mother is tacit only between uncle and mother, and no one else knows.Aunt Lu doesn't know, and neither do I.The people who live next door, the people who live across the door, no matter how close friends are, they will never know.This is also something that should not be heard.After my mother died in Huangquan, only my uncle knew about it.One day my uncle also dies and rests forever, then no one can imagine that such a kind of love once existed on earth.So far, I firmly believe that love is as bright and dazzling as the sun, and should be blessed by God and mankind forever. Numerous gentle ripples, luxuriant vegetation on the bank, colorful and colorful, framed the small river affectionately, and the small river kept playing Qingyue music, and gradually grew up by itself.I firmly believe that this is the symbol of love.But for some reason, the love I imagined now is like a sewer that can't be bathed in a ray of sunshine, doesn't know where it comes from, and doesn't know where it's going, and runs secretly deep underground.
My mother lied to me for thirteen years, and finally lied to me and died.Whenever and wherever, I never even dreamed that there was a secret between my mother and me.Whenever encountering difficult things, my mother always complained about the loneliness of the mother and daughter. "Why do you have to divorce your father?" When I touched on this topic, my mother said, "You won't understand until you get married." My mother kept her mouth shut.I long to grow up quickly, to the age where I can marry.This doesn't mean knowing about Mom and Dad's relationship as a couple, but thinking about how painful it is for Mom to keep it to herself.Indeed, Mama looked terribly distressed on the matter.But I never expected that in other matters, my mother kept a secret from me.
When I was young, my mother often told me the story of the wolf who deceived the little rabbit.Because of the crime of deceiving the little rabbit, the wolf turned into a stone.Mom lied to me, to Aunt Lv, to everyone in the world, ah, what is this!Bewitched by what a dreadful ghost!Yes, my mother herself used the word "sinner" in her diary, "Sanshan and I have become sinners." "We have become sinners anyway, so let's just become big sinners." Mom, you are more unfortunate than the wolf who deceived the rabbit mother!Why not write about ghosts?Even so, I would never believe that my gentle mother and my favorite uncle are determined to become sinners, and great sinners at that!What a tragedy is the love that cannot be kept without becoming a great sinner!When I was a child, at the temple fair of Shengtian Temple, I asked someone to buy a glass paperweight with red fake flower petals embedded in it.I took it in my hand and walked forward, but I finally cried.Why did I burst into tears?I'm afraid no one will understand my feelings at that time.The petals cannot move, they are frozen in the cold glass ball, whether it is spring or autumn, it will not move at all, and it will be tortured.I thought of the emotion of that petal, and sadness came over me.Today, that same sadness revives in my heart.Ah, the love of uncle and mother like petals!
Uncle, Uncle Rangsuke: I read my mother's diary secretly, and my uncle must be annoyed.But is it a hunch?The day before my mother passed away, I suddenly realized that my mother was beyond salvation and was on the verge of death.This ominous premonition is what I felt from my mother.Uncle also knows that my mother has had a low-grade fever for half a year. In addition, her appetite has not decreased significantly, her cheeks are rosy, and she is even fatter than before.However, the figure of my mother's back this time, especially the outline from the shoulders to the left and right arms, somehow moved my heart so desolately that it was unbearable to look at.Just the day before this life-and-death parting, Aunt Lu came to visit my mother, and I went to her room to pass the message.I casually opened the partition to take a look, and couldn't help being surprised.My mother was wearing a gray-blue coat from the factory, and she was sitting face-in in the living room.The coat, woven with large thistles, had been wrapped in folded paper and put in the closet, and had been seldom taken out for years.Mom thought it was too fancy and said she would wear it for me.Seeing this scene, I screamed. "What's the matter?" Mom turned around and asked, as if she was inexplicable to my surprise. "It's not that..." I said, the following words suddenly choked up.At that time, I couldn't figure out why I was surprised by making a fuss, and a sense of absurdity hit my heart.Mom has a penchant for dressing up, and it's no surprise that she finds old-timey fancy clothes to wear.Especially since my mother was ill, probably to relieve her worries and boredom, she kept looking for flowers to wear.Find out the clothes that have not been stained for several years and put them on. Cheng Ding's mother's daily hobby.However, when I thought about it afterwards, I was indeed stunned by my mother in Yuki's coat.My mother looked very beautiful, and it would not be too much to say that she was eye-catching, but at the same time, my mother looked sad, and I had never seen such a desolate appearance.Aunt Lu came in after me. As soon as she entered the room, she immediately said, "It's so beautiful!" The back view of the mother in a coat is both beautiful and desolate.This sigh was like a cold weight, and it never left my heart for a whole day. In the evening, the wind that had been blowing all day stopped.Tingdai and I came to the yard, cleaned up the scattered fallen leaves, piled them up and set them on fire, and then brought the straw bought at a high price a few days ago to burn charcoal for mother's brazier.My mother was sitting in the living room, looking at us through the glass window. Seeing this, she came to the corridor under the eaves with a beautiful kraft paper bag in her hand. "Burn this bun together," said Mom. "What is this?" I asked. "What do you care about it!" Mom said sharply, and she seemed to have changed her mind after she finished speaking. "It's Mom's diary." Mom said calmly, "Just burn it like this." The corridor went outside, and the steps were extraordinarily staggering, as if blown away by the wind. The peat was burned for about half an hour.When the last straw ignited and turned into plumes of smoke, I made up my mind.I took my mother's diary, quietly went to my room on the second floor, and hid it deep in the shelf.As night fell, the wind picked up again.Looking out from the window on the second floor, the yard is bathed in pale moonlight, giving people a sense of desolation, just like the rocky beach in the north, and the sound of the wind sounds like rolling waves.Mom and Saidai had already gone to bed, but I was the only one who was still awake.In order to prevent others from coming in easily, I piled up five or six heavy encyclopedias at the door, and lowered all the curtains (even the moonlight frightens me), then, I adjusted the lampshade appropriately, and spread out a college notebook. under the lamp.This notebook is my mother's diary that I took out of the brown paper bag.
Uncle, Uncle Rangsuke: I thought, if I miss this opportunity, I will never know about Mom and Dad.I didn't want to know about my father until my mother told me when I naively married.I just cherish the name Reiichiro Kadoda in my heart.However, ever since I saw my mother's back in Yuki's coat during the day, my thoughts have changed.I felt that my mother's illness was beyond repair, because in my heart, a painful belief was formed. Why did mom divorce dad?I heard it unconsciously from the conversations of my grandmother and relatives.Dad was doing research in the pediatrics department at Kyoto University in order to obtain a degree.At that time, five-year-old me, my mother, my grandmother, and maids lived in Shishi's house.It was a blustery day in April, and a young woman with a newborn baby in her arms came to see her mother.After she stepped into the living room, she put the baby in the alcove, untied the belt, took out the long underwear from the small basket she brought, and changed into clothes.Her behavior frightened the mother who brought the tea.She is delirious.It wasn't until later that I suddenly realized that the stunted baby sleeping under the nandina fruit in the alcove was the child of my father and that woman. I heard that the baby died before long. Fortunately, the woman suffered from a temporary insanity, so she soon recovered. Now she is married to a businessman in Okayama Prefecture and is living a happy life.Not long after this happened, my mother took me out of Akashi's house, and as a result, my father, who is the son-in-law, also abandoned Akashi's house. "Ayako is also very temperamental, and there is nothing she can do about it." Akashi's grandmother said this when I was in a girls' school.Is it because mother's self-cleaning character does not forgive father's fault?That's all I've heard about Mom and Dad.Until I was about seven or eight years old, I just thought Dad was dead.I was raised that way.Yes, even now, in my mind, my father has already died.Today, in Hyogo Prefecture, less than an hour away, my father runs a large hospital that remains intact.I can't imagine such a real father, even if my father is still alive, and me—Qiangzi's father is already dead.
I turned to the first page of my mother's diary.The first thing my hungry eyes discovered was the word "sin", yes, it was the word "sin". "Sin, sin, sin..." The words "sin" appeared boldly on the paper, almost unrecognizable as mother's handwriting.What's more, under the layers of sin words, it is written randomly: "God forgive me, Olu, forgive me!" It seems that it is difficult to bear the weight of numerous sin words.All the other characters around it disappeared, but this line was panting like a demon, almost pounced on it, peeking out with a terrifying face. I snapped the diary shut.What a terrible moment!There was a dead silence all around, and I could only hear my heart beating violently.I got up from the chair, checked again whether the doors and windows were closed securely, then returned to the desk, and opened the diary again cruelly.As if I had become a demon myself, I read every word of my mother's diary.There is not a single line about my father that I wanted to know so much. It is written all about the privacy of my uncle and mother, whom I never even believed in my dreams. It was my mother who wrote it in random words that I did not expect.Mother sometimes suffers, sometimes rejoices, sometimes prays, sometimes despairs, and sometimes resolves to die.Yes, my mother has even made up her mind to commit suicide over and over again.Mom has been preparing to die. Once Aunt Lu finds out about the relationship between her uncle and her mother, she will leave this world.How could my mother, who was always so happy and chatting and laughing with Aunt Lu so brightly, be so afraid of Aunt Lu! Through the diary, it can be seen that my mother often lived with a cross on her shoulders during these thirteen years.Sometimes I write for four or five days in a row, and sometimes I don’t write a single word for two or three months.However, on every page, there is the shadow of the mother and her own death face to face. "Wouldn't it be better to die? Wouldn't everything be settled by death?" What exactly did mother want to write down this self-defeating remark?If you are determined to die, there must be a need for fear. "Be more courageous, Caizi!" What is it that makes the gentle mother cry out for such refusal?Is it love?Is that that wonderful sparkle called love?In the book that my uncle gave me as a birthday present, it depicts the thick and thick long hair curling around the chest, touching the breasts that stand upright like flower buds with both hands, standing upright by the beautiful spring, which has won high admiration. Naked women, say that is a symbol of love.However, how different is the love between uncle and mother from what is depicted in the book! From the moment I read Mom's diary, even for me, Aunt Green suddenly became the scariest person in the world.My mother's secret thoughts were transplanted into my heart.what!That green aunt who once pursed her lips and kissed my face!That green aunt who is comparable to my mother, I like it very much!When I was in the first grade of elementary school in Ashiya, Aunt Green once gave me a backpack with big roses painted on it as a gift. Later, when I went to Binhai Middle School in Yura, Aunt Green gave me another one with a painting on it. Seagull’s big water bag, I gave a speech on Green’s “Thumb Man” at the performance report of the second grade, which won warm applause, and it was Aunt Green who gave me a reward every night to practice, and there were many others.No matter what I think of when I was a child, there is Aunt Lu's figure in it.Aunt Lu and her mother are cousins, and she is the best friend with her mother. Although she only enjoys dancing now, she is also good at mahjong, golf, swimming and skiing. She can bake pies that are bigger than my face. A huge group of teenage girls that wowed mom and me.Ah, why is Aunt Lv always so bright, she just broke into the lives of my mother and me happily like a rose flower!
The things about my uncle and my mother reminded me of the past. If I had a premonition, it was only once.That was one day a year ago, when I was halfway to school with my friends, I came to Shukukawa Station on the Hankyu Railway, and I remembered that I forgot my English textbook at home.So, I asked my friend to wait for me at the station, and went home to pick up the book by myself.But when I got to the house, I somehow didn't step into the house.Tingdai was sent out in the morning, and his mother should be at home alone at this time.However, my mother's stay at home alone made me uneasy and frightened for some reason.I stand in front of the door, staring at the rhododendron bushes, should I go in or not?I thought for a long time.As a result, I gave up the idea of going home to pick up the books, and went back to the station.This is a strange feeling that even I can't understand: from the moment I walked out of the house to go to school, the time when my mother was alone began to pass. If I walked into the house, my mother would be embarrassed and show a painful face.So, with an indescribably lonely feeling, I kicked the stones and walked on the road along the bank of the Ashiya River.As soon as I got back to the station, I listened to my friend talking and leaned back on the wooden chair in the waiting room. This happened only once before and after.But today I got a taste of this premonition with horror.what!Why do people still hate things?Can I say that Aunt Lu never had this premonition before?When playing cards, Aunt Lu could smell the opponent's scheming, and she was even more agile than the opponent, and she felt unparalleled pride in this.God!Just thinking about it is scary!But this is only my ridiculous presumption, it's all over, the secret is preserved.No, in order to keep the secret, my mother gave up her life.I am so sure of it. On the unlucky day, when my mother's brief but unbearable pain was about to come, my mother called me.Showing an extraordinarily smooth expression, shining like a puppet on a stage. "Mother just took poison. Tired! I have no strength to live any longer." The words were spoken not so much to me as through me to God, in a voice unbelievably clear, like music winding through the sky.The words "sin, sin, sin..." that I had just read in my mother's diary the night before collapsed around my mother, and I heard the roar clearly.The multi-storey sin building that my mother has supported for thirteen years will crush my exhausted mother to the ground today.At this moment, I was in a trance, sitting gently in front of my mother, my eyes following my mother's sight looking into the distance.Suddenly, like a strong wind blowing across the autumn from the valley, it hit me angrily.My heart was filled with emotions similar to anger, which was boiling hot anger that I didn't know who to vent to, "Really." I looked at my mother's painful face, and only answered such a short sentence, as if nothing happened. It's like being close to yourself.As soon as I finished speaking, my heart suddenly became cold, as if I had been poured with cold water.So, with a calm heart that surprised even me, I got up and walked outside.I feel like I'm not traversing the living room, I'm walking on water.I walked through the long corner corridor (at this time, the short scream of my mother swallowed by the turbid current of death came from behind), came to the telephone booth at the end, and called my uncle, but after five minutes, I cried and shouted It wasn't Uncle who wandered in from the door, but Aunt Lu.My mother let Aunt Lu, who was closer than anyone else but scared more than anyone else, hold hands, took her last breath, and then Aunt Lu pulled a piece of white cloth with her hands, and covered her mother's face that could no longer feel pain and sorrow. face.
Uncle, Uncle Rangsuke: The first night of vigil was so peaceful and quiet beyond the world.During the day, the police, doctors and neighbors come and go.As night fell, all these crowds of people dispersed suddenly, and only my uncle, aunt Lv and I were left sitting in front of the coffin. Everyone was silent, as if everyone was listening to the subtle gurgling water.Whenever the incense sticks are burned out, everyone takes turns to erect the incense sticks, pay homage to Tan's portrait, and then quietly open the window to change the air in the room.Uncle, it seemed, was the saddest one.When it was Uncle Chuxiang's turn, he always stared at the portrait of his mother with that peaceful gaze, and there was a faint smile that no one could understand on his sad expression.That night, I thought over and over again that my mother's life may be happy no matter how hard it is. Around nine o'clock, I went to the window and burst into tears.At that time, my uncle got up and walked over, put his hand gently on my shoulder, stayed there for a long time, and then returned to his seat without saying a word.At that time, I burst into tears, not because of the grief caused by the thought of my mother's death.During the day, my mother didn't mention my uncle's name in her last words. Besides, when she called my uncle to tell her about her mother's death, Aunt Lu came. Why didn't my uncle come?I thought about this, and suddenly a feeling of sadness filled my heart.叔叔和妈妈的爱情，直到离世而去都不得不掩入耳目，我觉得这就象残遭磔刑，嵌在玻璃镇纸中的花瓣一样可怜。过后，我起身推开窗子，出神地望着冷漠的星空，强忍住欲哭的悲伤。突然，我联想到妈妈的爱情正在那星空中升腾，正在悄悄地穿越那阑干的星斗凌空而去，我就忍无可忍了。我觉得，若是比起正在升天的爱情的悲伤，妈妈一个人的死的悲伤是微不足道的。 当拿起筷子吃起夜宵的时候，我又剧烈地哭起来。“振作起来吧，不知怎么安慰你，我心里难受呀。”绿婶用轻柔的语调温存地说。我拭去泪水，抬起眼睛，看见绿婶自己的眼眶中也已泪水盈盈，她正望着我。我哉看着绿婶那双泪汪汪的美丽的眼睛，无声地左右摇摇头。那时候，绿婶恐怕没有注意到我的微小举动吧。我是忽然觉得绿婶可怜才哭的。绿婶把供给妈妈的寿司盛进碟子，随后，又给我、叔叔和她自己各盛一份，一共盛了四个碟子。见到这番情景，我不知怎地忽然想到，啊！绿婶是最可怜的。于是，这种怜悯便化作呜咽升上了喉头。 那天夜里，我又一次暗自歔欷。那时叔叔和婶婶劝我入睡，说我明天会吃不消的，我钻进被窝之后才哭的。由于白天的劳累，我一躺下就立刻睡着了，但由于身上沁出一层湿漉漉的虚汗，我醒了过来。我一看交错搁板上的时钟，知道时间过去了一个小时。隔壁停棺的房间同刚才一样寂静无声，除了偶然传来叔叔操动打火机的声响外，没有半点儿动静。过了半个小时左右，我听到叔叔和婶婶的简短的对话。 “你去歇会儿吧，我醒着。”叔叔劝道。 “我能行，还是你去歇吧。”绿婶回答说。 话音一落，又恢复了原来的寂静，无论过了多久，这寂静也没有打破。我蒙在被窝里，第三次抽抽搭搭地恸哭起来。我这次哭，叔叔和婶婶都没有听到吧。此时此刻，我被寂寞、悲伤和恐惧攫住了。已经成佛的妈妈和叔叔、婶婶三个人同坐在一个房间里，而且三个人各自怀着不同的情感默然而坐。我觉得大人的世界，是难以忍受的寂寞、悲伤和恐怖的世界。
叔叔，穰介叔叔： 漫无边际的事写了很多。以下我要表达的心愿，恳求叔叔予以谅解，我尽可能地把自己的心情如实地写出来。 所谓心愿，不是别的，而是我不想再次见到叔叔和绿婶了。不能再象读日记以前那样，幼稚地跟叔叔撒娇，天真地对绿婶讲些任性的话。我要从压垮妈妈的那罪字零乱的世界中挣脱出去。我已经没有气力再说什么了。 芦屋的这个家已经委托给明石的亲戚津村叔叔，我想暂时回到明石去，开办一家小小的西装裁缝店，打算自食其力地生活下去。妈妈给我写下了遗书，叮嘱我一切事情要找叔叔商量。不过，妈妈若是知道我现在的心境，我想她是不会如此发号施令的。 今天，我在院子里烧掉了妈妈的日记。那么一册大学笔记本烧成少得可怜的一把灰烬，当我打算去取水桶往上挠水的时候，一阵小小的旋风刮来，将纸灰连同枯叶一起卷走了。 另函寄上妈妈写给叔叔的一封信。那是在叔叔赴东京的第二天，我整理妈妈桌里的东西时发现的。 阿绿的信 三杉穰介先生： 重新这样写起你的名字，简直就象写情书一样，心怦怦直跳，真亏我这么大的年纪(即使这么说，我也不过三十三岁)。抚今追昔，我在这十几年的时间里，有时秘而不宣，有时大胆公开，写过几十封情书，而其中不曾有过一封寄给你。这到底是怎么回事呢？不开玩笑，认真地想来，自己觉得难以理解，不可思议。难道你不觉得奇怪吗？ 记得高木先生的夫人(你也认识吧，对了，打扮起来脸象狐狸一样的那个女人)，曾经品评过一带赫赫有名的人物。当时，她对你作过极端失礼的评价，说你对女人来讲没有情趣，理解不到女人微妙的心迹，即使你爱上女人，女人也不会委身终身于你。当然，这些话是高木夫人微醉中的失言，不必那么耿耿于怀，但话又说回来，你身上确实有这样的地方。你与孤独根本牵扯不上，丝毫不是动辄寂寞之人，即便呈露无聊的表情，也没显出过寂寞的神色。而且，你考虑事物时独断专行，总相信自己的见地是最正确的，也许这是出于自信，可我见你那神态，真想去动摇你。简而言之，你仿佛是女人应付不了的，丝毫没有人之情趣的、即使让人爱恋也不值得爱恋的男人。 所以，我的几十封情书中，连寄给你的普通的一封也没有。对此来说，我想不通，希冀你来理解我的这种心情。我这样一个焦虑不安的祈求者或许本来就没有道理吧。尽管如此，我也的确觉得不可思议。寄给你的情书哪怕有一、两封也好啊。不过，这要看怎么琢磨。我的情书是没有寄给你，但如果说封封情书都是想要奉献于你而写就的话，那倒是收信人的不同而已，说不定于我的感情上并无多大差异。我生就羞人答答，不管长到多大，也还象天真的少女，仅只给郎君写不出甜蜜的情书，而写给他人却不感到羞涩。结果，我把情书勤奋地写给其他的男人去了。可以说这是天命吗？这是我命里注定的不幸，同时也是你的不幸。 去年秋天，我思念身在书房的你，写了这么一首，以表达我秋水伊人的情怀。我不想破坏你睨视白瓷等的那种静谧，与其说如此，还不如说想去破坏也茫然不知所措，把可怜的妻子的一片心情倾入这诗句之中。啊，你是座何等壁垒森严、冰冻难摧、令人折服的城堡呀！lie!你会这样想吧。即便我通宵达旦地玩起麻将来，我也向书房那边心驰神往，这点余裕我还是有的。然而，就拿这首和歌来说，我把它放到研究哲学的青年用上的寓所的桌上，虽然说他是个青年，但他今年春天已从讲师提升为教授，学术上已经独挡一面了。结果，你也知道，好象随便就破坏了青年教授的深沉的静谧。那时候，淫秽报刊上的杂谈园地把我的事情披露于众，给你惹了一点麻烦。我方才说过，见你那付神态，真想去动摇你。这件小事是不是稍稍把你动摇了呢？ 即便乱扯这类事情，归根结底，也只会给你增加烦恼。现在，谈到紧要的正题上来吧。 你是怎样认为的呢？想想看，我们这种名存实亡的夫妻关系延宕已久了，你不想到此为止点上个大句号，索性来个轻松愉快吗？这无疑是一件痛苦的事，不过，你如果没有特别的异议，我们就来个开诚布公，谈谈谋求自由的方法好吗？ 在工作上，你也从各方面的第一线上退下来(退职的实业家中出现了你的名字，实在是个意外)。在这个时候，来清算我们这种不自然的关系，我想，对你不是个顶好的机会么？我来简单地谈谈我的要求。若能得到宝冢和八濑的别墅，我就满足了。前些日子，我这儿那儿地随意拟定了一个计划。八濑的那幢别墅大小合适，其环境也与我的心境相宜，我打算在那里住下来，而宝冢的那幢别墅则以二百万元卖出去，我想用那笔钱打发我的余生。可以说，这是我最后一次任性，也是在你面前从来撒过娇的我，前后仅只一次的固执。 即便猝不及防地提出种这要求，可我现在，连个称为情人的那种潇洒的对象也没有。那么，有人在向我要挟钱财吧，请你不要这样悬念。直到如今，很遗憾，身为情人自己不觉羞赧的对象，一个也没有发现。脖颈上的发际无微不至地整饰，宛若切开的柠檬一样干净利落，腰身的线条犹如羚羊一样，既清秀又健壮，单只满足这两个条件的男人也并非比比皆是。遗憾的是，那往日—个新娘被夫婿诱惑的最初的喜悦，直到十年之后的今天，仍然是这般的强烈。说起羚羊来，报纸上曾经报道过，说在叙利亚沙漠的正中央，发现了一个同羚羊一起生活的裸体少年。what!那张照片美丽动人。蓬乱的发下那冷若冰霜的侧脸！那时速五十英里的颀长的双腿的魅力！即便现在想起来，我惟独对那个少年，感到异常的热血在体内冲动。那不正是一付智慧的神情、野性的体态么？ 在我窥见过那个少年以后，什么样的男人都好象俗不可耐，无聊至极。假如你的妻子曾经进发过不贞的火花，可以说就是在被那个少年诱惑的时候吧。我一想象到那个少年的紧绷绷的肌肤，被沙漠的夜露濡湿的时候，不，毋宁说是一想象到那少年绝无仅有的命运的清冽，即使在今天，我也是如疯似狂地心潮翻滚。 前年，我曾热烈地迷恋过新创作派画家松代。在这件事上，你若是轻信了旁人的谣诼，我就不免有点难堪了。当时，你那双望着我的眼睛里，的确闪着类乎怜悯的极其哀婉的光芒。可我并没有什么要乞求你来怜悯呀！即便如此，你那时的眼睛稍许诱惑了我的心魂，就算不及那羚羊群中的少年，好歹也称得上漂亮动人。你虽然露出漂亮的眼睛，可视线为什么直勾勾的呢？只是目光强烈不为能事。那不是你凝视瓷器的那种目光。所以，我的心宛如的色调冷了下来，非常想找个地方如此静静地坐着。就这样，我跑到松代的画室去，给他当了模特儿。不过，这且不说，我至今仍然赏识他看建筑物的方法。他画起那些没有情趣的楼舍来，能将近世的忧愁(这忧愁极淡)化作一种情愫融于画中，即使稍有仿效的地方，但就这一点来说，我认为他在今天的日本还是不可多得的。然而，他人品不行，不及格。你若能打一百分，他归根结底也只能打六十五分。他虽然仪表堂堂，但可惜的是品格不高尚。他一叼起烟斗来，莫如说显得滑稽可笑，是一味汲取作品精华的二流艺术家那付庸俗神态。 打那以后，恍惚是在去年的初夏，我喜欢过津村，他是农林省大奖跑马赛的优胜马“蓝誉”的骑手。那一阵子，你的眼睛恶意地闪着光芒，说是怜悯，不如说是冷冷的轻蔑。起初，我在走廊和你擦身而过时，我还认为是窗外的绿丛映得你眼睛发青呢，但后来我才意识到，你那是毫无道理的误解。我真是迂拙。我要是知道这一点的话，对你冷眼相觑也好，递送秋波也罢，心里有些准备多好呀！不管怎么说，那一阵是只有速度的美才使我的感觉全部陶醉的时期，你那中世纪的感情表达方式与我的感性是不投缘的。不过，我曾经想要你见识一下津村的纯净无邪的斗志，哪怕是一次也行。津村紧紧地趴在出类拔萃的“蓝誉”的背上，奋起直追几十匹赛马，连连左避右闪，驰驱向前。即便是你，从望远镜里看见那认真拼搏、可爱动人的生命(当然不是指“蓝誉”，而是指津村)的瞬间姿态，也会热血沸腾的。 那个有点放纵的二十二岁的少年，仅仅是为了让我从望远镜中看见他，玩命地刷新了两次记录。看见那么一种热情奔放的体态，对我来说，还是一件破天荒的事。他一心一意想要博得我的赞赏，骑在褐色的雌马背上把我忘得一干二净，他只要成为追求速度的恶魔。我这置身于看台上的爱情(这也是爱情的一种吧)，以水一般清澄的热情，兜着大圈旋转在二二七O米的椭圆形赛马场上。眼望这幕情景，确实是我当时的最大的生活意趣。作为奖赏，就是把在战争中幸存下来的三块钻石送给他，我也丝毫不感到吝惜。不过，说这个少年骑手惹人喜爱，也只是限于在“蓝誉”背上的时候，他脚一落地，便是个连咖啡也品尝不出的少年。不愧是在马背上磨砺出的死命拼搏的斗志，比起领着作家妹尾和没落的左翼人士三谷散步，多少有点意思。但是，他不过如此而已。所以到头来，我把自己喜欢的一个有点撅嘴的妙龄舞女介绍给他，连婚礼都给他操办了。 谈得起劲，不知不觉岔开了话题。我虽说住进洛北的八濑，但对隐居生活仍有点恋恋不舍。我丝毫不想就那么无所事事地生活。此后，把筑窑烧茶碗的事让给你，我决定在那里栽培花卉。若把花卉拿到去卖，似乎能获得相当可观的收入。老妈子和使女，再加上对栽花有门路的两个年青女伴，这几把人手栽出一、二百株石竹花来好象不成问题。暂时实行男禁制，对弥漫于室内的男人气味有点厌倦了。这是我的肺腑之言。就从这回起，我要从新起步，打算去发现我的真正的幸福，我正在拟定生活的规划。 我突然这样向你提出离婚的请求，你或许感到惊诧吧，不，哪里是惊诧，毋宁说我至今没有和你诀别，你应该感到奇怪才是，我如今也浮想联翩，在这十几年的岁月里，你我就是这样生活过来的。追溯往昔，更是感慨万分。在某种程度上，我是给人贴着轻佻太太的标签熬过来的。也许在他人的心目中，我们是一对奇怪的夫妻。好了，我们没怎么丧失脸面，有时甚至和睦地给人做做媒妁，好不容易地生活到今天。就这一点来说，我认为自己有得到你充分赏识的资格，对么？ 写离婚书是多么地难啊！我讨厌哭天抹泪，但又讨厌过分嘁哩喀喳。我打算写一封不伤害彼此心灵的漂亮的离婚书，但跃然纸上的却是别别扭扭。无论谁来写离婚书，定不会写成漂亮的书牍吧。那么，我索性写一封象是离婚书的冷酷的书牍吧。平素，你总是那么冷淡，而我现在要写一封叫你讨厌的书牍，使你更加冷淡，请你原谅。
这是一件发生在昭和九年二月的事。一天，早上九点光景，我在热海饭店二楼的一个房间，凭窗向外窥望，的确看到你身穿灰色西服，在海岸的悬崖上散步。这是十分遥远的往事，发生在那恍如梦境一般的云雾霭霭的一天。请你平心静气地听听吧。那时，有个颀长娇美的女人紧跟在你的身后，她穿着的织有大蓟花的灰蓝色外褂，是怎样地刺痛了我的眼睛啊！我没想到自己的预感竟是这么应验。为了验证这个预感，我一整夜都不曾阖眼，是前一天乘夜车颠簸而来的。有句古语我确信不疑，那就是“噩梦速醒为妙”。当时，我(与现在的蔷子同年)仅仅二十岁。对我这样一个尚未理解人生坎坷的新娘来说，这是个有点过分强烈的刺激。我当机立断，唤来男服务员，敷衍一下了清了帐，把他搞得莫名其妙。之后，我飞跑着出了饭店，觉得在那儿一刻也呆不住了。我来到饭店门前的路上，伫立了半天，感到胸中火烧火燎地疼痛。是走向大海？还是走向车站？我有点趑趄。尔后，我向着大海走去了，可还没走上半却又敛足不前了。我呆呆地凝望那扑入眼帘的大海，大海闪烁着隆冬的阳光，就象用颜料管抹上一层蓝色颜料，湛蓝湛蓝的。我急转身子，改变了主意，朝相反方向的车站走去。想一想，我正是顺着这条遥远的路，一直走到此时此地。当时，我如果走向你散步的海边，恐怕也就会发现今天这迥然不同的我了。幸乎不幸？我没有那么去做。如今想来，我认为自己当时踏上了人生的莫大的歧途。 那个时候，我为什么没有向着海边走去呢？不为别的，只是因为那个比我年长五、六岁的美丽的女人——彩子姐姐。我觉得，她的人生经验、知识才能、美貌、心的温柔，还有端咖啡杯子的姿态，文学的谈吐，音乐的欣赏，以及所有的一切都是我所望尘莫及的。正因为这种意念，使我无论如何也不能走去。啊，好一个谦卑！这只能用纯绘画手法才表现得出的二十岁的新娘的谦卑！当身子浸入初秋的海水时，只要稍一动弹便越发感觉寒冷，所以身子一动也不敢动，这种体验你一定有过吧。和这处境一样，我当时逡巡不前，给恐惧攫住了。既然你欺骗我，我也就来欺骗你吧！我立下这个惊人的决心，是自那很久以后的事。 恍惚是从热海饭店那件事起一年以后，有一次我发现你和彩子一起，在三宫车站的二等候车室，等候下行的快车。那时候，我夹在去做修学旅行的一群如花似玉的女学生中间，进不进候车室呢？我心中踌躇不决。还有一次，直到现在还清晰地浮现于我的脑际。那是一个虫声高鸣的夜晚，我站在彩子的家门前，抬头望着从窗幔缝隙泄出柔和光线的二楼，按不按门铃呢？我心里徘徊不定，长久地伫立在如贝壳一样紧闭的门前。我想，这件事和三宫车站那件事发生在同一时期。尽管如此，那究竟是春天还是秋天呢？Not sure.我只有这样一种茫然的记忆，我对季节的感觉总是跟不上趟的。此外，还有许许多多的事，说出来会叫你暴跳如雷。但结果我没采取任何行动，就连在热海饭店的时候，自己不是没向着海边走去吗？真是不可思议，当郁悒湛蓝、波光粼粼的那一角海面，突然映进我的跟帘的时候，我心中一直抑制着发狂的苦痛，一下子给平息了。 然而，对我来说，虽有过那么一段如疯似狂的时期，但我们之间却是相安无事，仿佛是时间解决了问题。你一变得冷漠，我就不甘示弱，也冷漠起来，就象炽热的铁块被冷却下来一样。我一变得冷漠，你便比我更胜一筹。长此以往，造成了今天这样一个出奇的寒气逼人的家庭，有股冰冻睫毛时才有的感触。家庭？不，决不是那种温暖的人之巢穴，说它是座城堡还差不多，我想你会赞成这个说法的。回首前尘，我居身于这城堡里十多个春秋，你欺骗我，我欺骗你。这是人间多么令人感伤的礼尚往来啊！我们的全部生活，就是建筑在我们彼此恪守的两个秘密之上的。我做出种种不堪目睹的举动，你的脸色时而轻蔑，时而不快，时而叉显得痛苦，但你却做出若无其事的样子。我常在浴室里扯着嗓子叫女佣拿烟来；我外出回来，从提包里取出电影节目报，在脚前扇得山响；不管是在客厅还是在走廊，把化妆粉乱撒一气，把电话听筒一撂，跳起华尔滋的舞步；把宝冢少女请到家里来摆宴，还夹在她们中间拍拍照片；穿着棉袍子玩麻将牌，过生日时连女佣身上也给佩上丝条缎带，邀请的尽是些学生，在家闹翻了天。我心里很清楚，我的所作所为会怎样惹你讨厌。但是，你一次也没有严厉申斥过我的行径，你无可奈何。因而我们之间没有发生任何一点争执。城堡就这样保持着阒寂，只有笼罩城堡的空气飒飒作响，犹如席卷沙漠的狂风，异常冷峭地狂暴起来。你手持猎枪捕杀野鸡和山鹪，但为何不对准我的心口来一枪呢？你既然欺骗我，可为何不更残酷地欺骗到底呢？要知道，即使由于男人的哄骗，女人也会变得昏聩无能、诚惶诚恐的。
十多年来，我一直忍受着这种生活，但如今一想，我们之间的这种关系快要收场了。有什么事情要发生，有什么事情要发生了！这种期待似乎蕴藏在我的心中，虽不那么强烈，却又那么执拗。我们以怎样的情形来收场呢？我只考虑到两种情形：有朝一日，我猛地依偎到你的怀里，站在你的胸前，静静地闭上眼睛，要不就把你送给我的埃及礼物——一把尖刀，用力捅进你的胸膛，直到鲜血喷溅出来。 你想，我究竟期待着哪一种情形的到来呢？其实，连我自己也不清楚。 噢，对了，恍惚是在五年以前，发生过这样一件事。Do you remember?我是记得的，此事就发生在你从东南亚归来之后。我在外边奔波了两天，第三天我踉踉跄跄地回到家中，中午的那点儿酒劲还没消散。我还以为你去东京出差没有回来呢，怎么回事？你却已经回到家里，独自在茶室抬掇猎枪。我只说声“我回来了”，就来到走廊，坐在沙发上，背朝着你冲着冷嗖嗖的寒风。走廊的玻璃门上有一块地方，借着房檐前面的餐桌帐篷，象一面镜子映出室内的一部分，也映出你用白布擦拭猎枪的身影。我玩累之后感到头晕脑胀，坠入倦怠的心境之中，连手指头也不愿去动一下。我漫不经心地望着你映在玻璃门上的一举一动。你擦净了枪杆，又把擦好的枪栓装上，然后上下举了两、三下，把枪抵在了肩头。你刚把猎抢抵稳，就轻轻闭起一只眼瞄准起来。我倏地警觉起来，猎枪已经不偏不倚地对准了我的脊梁。 莫非要开枪打死我？即使枪膛里没装子弹，我也想要看看你此刻是否起了杀机。我抱有极大的兴趣。我佯作不知，闭上了眼睛。是瞄准肩膀，是瞄准脖颈？还是瞄准后脑勺？我迫不及待地等着，等待静静的室内冷酷地响起扣动枪机的那声脆响。但等了许久，那清脆的声音终于没有响。如果声音一响，我就在那刹那间当场昏倒。我心中早就准备演这出戏了，好象这是多少年来的一种生活意趣似的。 我等得不耐烦了，悄悄睁眼一看，你依然瞄着我。我这样动也不动呆了一会儿。猛然，我不知怎地产生一个很愚蠢的念头，身子稍微一动，把看着玻璃门的视线向你瞥了过去。此刻，你迅速掉转枪口，瞄向院子里的石楠花(那石楠花是从天城山移植来的，今年还是头一次开花)。就在这个时候，扣动枪机的清脆的声音终于响了。你那时为何不对着不贞的妻子开枪呢？我那时是有葬身于枪口之下的资格的。内心充满了杀机，到头来竟不去扣响枪机。万一你扣响了枪机，万一你不肯饶恕我的不贞，万一你把憎恶断然地射入我的心脏，那么，我也许意外天真地倾倒在你的怀抱之中，也许适得其反，让你来瞧瞧我的射击本领。无论如何，你没有那样做。所以，我把目光从我的替身——石楠花上掉开，故意迈着蹒跚的步履，嘴里哼着《巴黎的屋檐下》的曲子，到自己的房间去了。
然而，经过了许多年，再没有发生可使我们分道扬镳的这种契机。今年夏天，院子里百日红的花色娇媚浓艳，展现出从来没有过的姿色。也许要发生什么意外吧，我心中萦绕着一线类乎期待的思绪。 我最后一次探望彩子，是在她自戕身亡的前一天。当时，我在她身上复又看见了那件灰蓝色的外褂，真是出乎意外。十几年以前，在热海的光彩熠熠的晨曦中，就是这件外褂恍如恶梦般地刺痛了我的眼睛。外褂上的蓟花很大很大，轮廓清晰，沉重地压在你心爱的憔悴女人那羸弱的肩上。“啊，真漂亮！”我在进屋的同时说道。我想按捺住激动的心情，但是，当我一想到她为何这时候在我面前穿着这件外褂，陡然间感到浑身上下不可遏制的热血沸腾般地轰鸣起来。我知道任何克制都已经无济于事了。一个女人夺走他人丈夫的不法和二十岁新娘的谦卑，总有一天要摆到法度的天平上得到裁决。这个时刻仿佛就在眼前。我从心里掏出十几年从未吐露一丝的秘密，轻轻地放置在那朵蓟花前面。 “这件外褂，真叫人怀念啊！” “哎！”彩子微弱地短叫一声，我似乎听见又似乎没有听见。当她转过脸来的时候，我的视线恰好和她的眼睛相对了。我决不肯挪开视线，这是理所当然的，因为她的眼睛盯着我不放。 “你和三杉在热海游玩的时候，穿的就是这件外褂吧。对不起，我那天看见啦。” 果不其然，看着看着，她脸上失去了血色。她含情欲吐，抽搐着嘴部的肌肉，我的确察觉到了。她抽搐着，结果一句话也说不出来。她低下了头，将视线落在那双放在膝上的白暂柔嫩的手上。 此时此刻，我忽然觉得，我度过这十几年的生活，就是为了眼前这一时刻，身心象是冲了淋浴一样爽快。我怀着一种无可言状的哀婉心情，浮想联翩，那两种形式的结局有一种正在眼前出现。我许久沉浸在这遐想之中。我如果能在这儿扎下根坐下去就好了。what!她一定想离去吧。她那时候心里想着什么呢？扬起一张蜡黄的脸，目不转睛，娴静地注视起我来。此时此刻，我想她大概要归天了，死神降临到她的头上了，不然的话，她的眼睛不可能露出娴静的目光。 叆叇消散，院子倏地又是一片阳光灿灿，隔壁传来的钢琴声嘎然而止。 “没关系，我不介意，我把他再次给你。”我说完站起身，把刚才放在走廊上的探望病人用的白蔷薇拿来，插在书架上的水瓶里，又稍微扶了扶，然后，再次看看垂着头的彩子那纤细的脖颈。恐怕这是最后一次看她了吧(多么可怕的预感啊！)，我一边想着一边说： “丝毫不必往心里去。我也欺骗了你十几年呢，我们是半斤八两。” 我说完之后，不由自主地噗嗤一声，笑出声来。尽管如此，她还是保持出奇的沉默。她自始至终一字不吐，屏住呼吸似地静静地坐着。审判结束了。她要作什么就随她的便吧。于是，自己也知道鲜艳的衣服下摆还在敞着，就风也似地出了房间。 “阿绿！”背后传来彩子那天的第一句话。我置之不理，拐过走廊走了。 “呀，绿婶，你脸煞白。”在走廊上，我的模样被端着红茶过来的蔷子注意到了。直到这时我才知道，自己的脸上也没了血色。 我现在非要和你离婚不可。与其说这样，不如说是你禁不住要和我离婚。我想，这种心情你会理解吧。我拖拖拉拉，写了很多失礼的话，但是，我们这十几年来的悲悲戚戚的伉俪之交，的确到了一刀两断的时候了。我想要说的大都说完了。如果可能，请你在伊豆逗留期间，给我允诺离婚的答复。
噢，对了，最后告诉你一件稀罕事。我今天代替女佣打扫了你那间书房，
Uncle, Uncle Rangsuke: I read my mother's diary secretly, and my uncle must be annoyed.But is it a hunch?The day before my mother passed away, I suddenly realized that my mother was beyond salvation and was on the verge of death.This ominous premonition is what I felt from my mother.Uncle also knows that my mother has had a low-grade fever for half a year. In addition, her appetite has not decreased significantly, her cheeks are rosy, and she is even fatter than before.However, the figure of my mother's back this time, especially the outline from the shoulders to the left and right arms, somehow moved my heart so desolately that it was unbearable to look at.Just the day before this life-and-death parting, Aunt Lu came to visit my mother, and I went to her room to pass the message.I casually opened the partition to take a look, and couldn't help being surprised.My mother was wearing a gray-blue coat from the factory, and she was sitting face-in in the living room.The coat, woven with large thistles, had been wrapped in folded paper and put in the closet, and had been seldom taken out for years.Mom thought it was too fancy and said she would wear it for me.Seeing this scene, I screamed. "What's the matter?" Mom turned around and asked, as if she was inexplicable to my surprise. "It's not that..." I said, the following words suddenly choked up.At that time, I couldn't figure out why I was surprised by making a fuss, and a sense of absurdity hit my heart.Mom has a penchant for dressing up, and it's no surprise that she finds old-timey fancy clothes to wear.Especially since my mother was ill, probably to relieve her worries and boredom, she kept looking for flowers to wear.Find out the clothes that have not been stained for several years and put them on. Cheng Ding's mother's daily hobby.However, when I thought about it afterwards, I was indeed stunned by my mother in Yuki's coat.My mother looked very beautiful, and it would not be too much to say that she was eye-catching, but at the same time, my mother looked sad, and I had never seen such a desolate appearance.Aunt Lu came in after me. As soon as she entered the room, she immediately said, "It's so beautiful!" The back view of the mother in a coat is both beautiful and desolate.This sigh was like a cold weight, and it never left my heart for a whole day. In the evening, the wind that had been blowing all day stopped.Tingdai and I came to the yard, cleaned up the scattered fallen leaves, piled them up and set them on fire, and then brought the straw bought at a high price a few days ago to burn charcoal for mother's brazier.My mother was sitting in the living room, looking at us through the glass window. Seeing this, she came to the corridor under the eaves with a beautiful kraft paper bag in her hand. "Burn this bun together," said Mom. "What is this?" I asked. "What do you care about it!" Mom said sharply, and she seemed to have changed her mind after she finished speaking. "It's Mom's diary." Mom said calmly, "Just burn it like this." The corridor went outside, and the steps were extraordinarily staggering, as if blown away by the wind. The peat was burned for about half an hour.When the last straw ignited and turned into plumes of smoke, I made up my mind.I took my mother's diary, quietly went to my room on the second floor, and hid it deep in the shelf.As night fell, the wind picked up again.Looking out from the window on the second floor, the yard is bathed in pale moonlight, giving people a sense of desolation, just like the rocky beach in the north, and the sound of the wind sounds like rolling waves.Mom and Saidai had already gone to bed, but I was the only one who was still awake.In order to prevent others from coming in easily, I piled up five or six heavy encyclopedias at the door, and lowered all the curtains (even the moonlight frightens me), then, I adjusted the lampshade appropriately, and spread out a college notebook. under the lamp.This notebook is my mother's diary that I took out of the brown paper bag.
Uncle, Uncle Rangsuke: I thought, if I miss this opportunity, I will never know about Mom and Dad.I didn't want to know about my father until my mother told me when I naively married.I just cherish the name Reiichiro Kadoda in my heart.However, ever since I saw my mother's back in Yuki's coat during the day, my thoughts have changed.I felt that my mother's illness was beyond repair, because in my heart, a painful belief was formed. Why did mom divorce dad?I heard it unconsciously from the conversations of my grandmother and relatives.Dad was doing research in the pediatrics department at Kyoto University in order to obtain a degree.At that time, five-year-old me, my mother, my grandmother, and maids lived in Shishi's house.It was a blustery day in April, and a young woman with a newborn baby in her arms came to see her mother.After she stepped into the living room, she put the baby in the alcove, untied the belt, took out the long underwear from the small basket she brought, and changed into clothes.Her behavior frightened the mother who brought the tea.She is delirious.It wasn't until later that I suddenly realized that the stunted baby sleeping under the nandina fruit in the alcove was the child of my father and that woman. I heard that the baby died before long. Fortunately, the woman suffered from a temporary insanity, so she soon recovered. Now she is married to a businessman in Okayama Prefecture and is living a happy life.Not long after this happened, my mother took me out of Akashi's house, and as a result, my father, who is the son-in-law, also abandoned Akashi's house. "Ayako is also very temperamental, and there is nothing she can do about it." Akashi's grandmother said this when I was in a girls' school.Is it because mother's self-cleaning character does not forgive father's fault?That's all I've heard about Mom and Dad.Until I was about seven or eight years old, I just thought Dad was dead.I was raised that way.Yes, even now, in my mind, my father has already died.Today, in Hyogo Prefecture, less than an hour away, my father runs a large hospital that remains intact.I can't imagine such a real father, even if my father is still alive, and me—Qiangzi's father is already dead.
I turned to the first page of my mother's diary.The first thing my hungry eyes discovered was the word "sin", yes, it was the word "sin". "Sin, sin, sin..." The words "sin" appeared boldly on the paper, almost unrecognizable as mother's handwriting.What's more, under the layers of sin words, it is written randomly: "God forgive me, Olu, forgive me!" It seems that it is difficult to bear the weight of numerous sin words.All the other characters around it disappeared, but this line was panting like a demon, almost pounced on it, peeking out with a terrifying face. I snapped the diary shut.What a terrible moment!There was a dead silence all around, and I could only hear my heart beating violently.I got up from the chair, checked again whether the doors and windows were closed securely, then returned to the desk, and opened the diary again cruelly.As if I had become a demon myself, I read every word of my mother's diary.There is not a single line about my father that I wanted to know so much. It is written all about the privacy of my uncle and mother, whom I never even believed in my dreams. It was my mother who wrote it in random words that I did not expect.Mother sometimes suffers, sometimes rejoices, sometimes prays, sometimes despairs, and sometimes resolves to die.Yes, my mother has even made up her mind to commit suicide over and over again.Mom has been preparing to die. Once Aunt Lu finds out about the relationship between her uncle and her mother, she will leave this world.How could my mother, who was always so happy and chatting and laughing with Aunt Lu so brightly, be so afraid of Aunt Lu! Through the diary, it can be seen that my mother often lived with a cross on her shoulders during these thirteen years.Sometimes I write for four or five days in a row, and sometimes I don’t write a single word for two or three months.However, on every page, there is the shadow of the mother and her own death face to face. "Wouldn't it be better to die? Wouldn't everything be settled by death?" What exactly did mother want to write down this self-defeating remark?If you are determined to die, there must be a need for fear. "Be more courageous, Caizi!" What is it that makes the gentle mother cry out for such refusal?Is it love?Is that that wonderful sparkle called love?In the book that my uncle gave me as a birthday present, it depicts the thick and thick long hair curling around the chest, touching the breasts that stand upright like flower buds with both hands, standing upright by the beautiful spring, which has won high admiration. Naked women, say that is a symbol of love.However, how different is the love between uncle and mother from what is depicted in the book! From the moment I read Mom's diary, even for me, Aunt Green suddenly became the scariest person in the world.My mother's secret thoughts were transplanted into my heart.what!That green aunt who once pursed her lips and kissed my face!That green aunt who is comparable to my mother, I like it very much!When I was in the first grade of elementary school in Ashiya, Aunt Green once gave me a backpack with big roses painted on it as a gift. Later, when I went to Binhai Middle School in Yura, Aunt Green gave me another one with a painting on it. Seagull’s big water bag, I gave a speech on Green’s “Thumb Man” at the performance report of the second grade, which won warm applause, and it was Aunt Green who gave me a reward every night to practice, and there were many others.No matter what I think of when I was a child, there is Aunt Lu's figure in it.Aunt Lu and her mother are cousins, and she is the best friend with her mother. Although she only enjoys dancing now, she is also good at mahjong, golf, swimming and skiing. She can bake pies that are bigger than my face. A huge group of teenage girls that wowed mom and me.Ah, why is Aunt Lv always so bright, she just broke into the lives of my mother and me happily like a rose flower!
The things about my uncle and my mother reminded me of the past. If I had a premonition, it was only once.That was one day a year ago, when I was halfway to school with my friends, I came to Shukukawa Station on the Hankyu Railway, and I remembered that I forgot my English textbook at home.So, I asked my friend to wait for me at the station, and went home to pick up the book by myself.But when I got to the house, I somehow didn't step into the house.Tingdai was sent out in the morning, and his mother should be at home alone at this time.However, my mother's stay at home alone made me uneasy and frightened for some reason.I stand in front of the door, staring at the rhododendron bushes, should I go in or not?I thought for a long time.As a result, I gave up the idea of going home to pick up the books, and went back to the station.This is a strange feeling that even I can't understand: from the moment I walked out of the house to go to school, the time when my mother was alone began to pass. If I walked into the house, my mother would be embarrassed and show a painful face.So, with an indescribably lonely feeling, I kicked the stones and walked on the road along the bank of the Ashiya River.As soon as I got back to the station, I listened to my friend talking and leaned back on the wooden chair in the waiting room. This happened only once before and after.But today I got a taste of this premonition with horror.what!Why do people still hate things?Can I say that Aunt Lu never had this premonition before?When playing cards, Aunt Lu could smell the opponent's scheming, and she was even more agile than the opponent, and she felt unparalleled pride in this.God!Just thinking about it is scary!But this is only my ridiculous presumption, it's all over, the secret is preserved.No, in order to keep the secret, my mother gave up her life.I am so sure of it. On the unlucky day, when my mother's brief but unbearable pain was about to come, my mother called me.Showing an extraordinarily smooth expression, shining like a puppet on a stage. "Mother just took poison. Tired! I have no strength to live any longer." The words were spoken not so much to me as through me to God, in a voice unbelievably clear, like music winding through the sky.The words "sin, sin, sin..." that I had just read in my mother's diary the night before collapsed around my mother, and I heard the roar clearly.The multi-storey sin building that my mother has supported for thirteen years will crush my exhausted mother to the ground today.At this moment, I was in a trance, sitting gently in front of my mother, my eyes following my mother's sight looking into the distance.Suddenly, like a strong wind blowing across the autumn from the valley, it hit me angrily.My heart was filled with emotions similar to anger, which was boiling hot anger that I didn't know who to vent to, "Really." I looked at my mother's painful face, and only answered such a short sentence, as if nothing happened. It's like being close to yourself.As soon as I finished speaking, my heart suddenly became cold, as if I had been poured with cold water.So, with a calm heart that surprised even me, I got up and walked outside.I feel like I'm not traversing the living room, I'm walking on water.I walked through the long corner corridor (at this time, the short scream of my mother swallowed by the turbid current of death came from behind), came to the telephone booth at the end, and called my uncle, but after five minutes, I cried and shouted It wasn't Uncle who wandered in from the door, but Aunt Lu.My mother let Aunt Lu, who was closer than anyone else but scared more than anyone else, hold hands, took her last breath, and then Aunt Lu pulled a piece of white cloth with her hands, and covered her mother's face that could no longer feel pain and sorrow. face.
Uncle, Uncle Rangsuke: The first night of vigil was so peaceful and quiet beyond the world.During the day, the police, doctors and neighbors come and go.As night fell, all these crowds of people dispersed suddenly, and only my uncle, aunt Lv and I were left sitting in front of the coffin. Everyone was silent, as if everyone was listening to the subtle gurgling water.Whenever the incense sticks are burned out, everyone takes turns to erect the incense sticks, pay homage to Tan's portrait, and then quietly open the window to change the air in the room.Uncle, it seemed, was the saddest one.When it was Uncle Chuxiang's turn, he always stared at the portrait of his mother with that peaceful gaze, and there was a faint smile that no one could understand on his sad expression.That night, I thought over and over again that my mother's life may be happy no matter how hard it is. Around nine o'clock, I went to the window and burst into tears.At that time, my uncle got up and walked over, put his hand gently on my shoulder, stayed there for a long time, and then returned to his seat without saying a word.At that time, I burst into tears, not because of the grief caused by the thought of my mother's death.During the day, my mother didn't mention my uncle's name in her last words. Besides, when she called my uncle to tell her about her mother's death, Aunt Lu came. Why didn't my uncle come?I thought about this, and suddenly a feeling of sadness filled my heart.叔叔和妈妈的爱情，直到离世而去都不得不掩入耳目，我觉得这就象残遭磔刑，嵌在玻璃镇纸中的花瓣一样可怜。过后，我起身推开窗子，出神地望着冷漠的星空，强忍住欲哭的悲伤。突然，我联想到妈妈的爱情正在那星空中升腾，正在悄悄地穿越那阑干的星斗凌空而去，我就忍无可忍了。我觉得，若是比起正在升天的爱情的悲伤，妈妈一个人的死的悲伤是微不足道的。 当拿起筷子吃起夜宵的时候，我又剧烈地哭起来。“振作起来吧，不知怎么安慰你，我心里难受呀。”绿婶用轻柔的语调温存地说。我拭去泪水，抬起眼睛，看见绿婶自己的眼眶中也已泪水盈盈，她正望着我。我哉看着绿婶那双泪汪汪的美丽的眼睛，无声地左右摇摇头。那时候，绿婶恐怕没有注意到我的微小举动吧。我是忽然觉得绿婶可怜才哭的。绿婶把供给妈妈的寿司盛进碟子，随后，又给我、叔叔和她自己各盛一份，一共盛了四个碟子。见到这番情景，我不知怎地忽然想到，啊！绿婶是最可怜的。于是，这种怜悯便化作呜咽升上了喉头。 那天夜里，我又一次暗自歔欷。那时叔叔和婶婶劝我入睡，说我明天会吃不消的，我钻进被窝之后才哭的。由于白天的劳累，我一躺下就立刻睡着了，但由于身上沁出一层湿漉漉的虚汗，我醒了过来。我一看交错搁板上的时钟，知道时间过去了一个小时。隔壁停棺的房间同刚才一样寂静无声，除了偶然传来叔叔操动打火机的声响外，没有半点儿动静。过了半个小时左右，我听到叔叔和婶婶的简短的对话。 “你去歇会儿吧，我醒着。”叔叔劝道。 “我能行，还是你去歇吧。”绿婶回答说。 话音一落，又恢复了原来的寂静，无论过了多久，这寂静也没有打破。我蒙在被窝里，第三次抽抽搭搭地恸哭起来。我这次哭，叔叔和婶婶都没有听到吧。此时此刻，我被寂寞、悲伤和恐惧攫住了。已经成佛的妈妈和叔叔、婶婶三个人同坐在一个房间里，而且三个人各自怀着不同的情感默然而坐。我觉得大人的世界，是难以忍受的寂寞、悲伤和恐怖的世界。
叔叔，穰介叔叔： 漫无边际的事写了很多。以下我要表达的心愿，恳求叔叔予以谅解，我尽可能地把自己的心情如实地写出来。 所谓心愿，不是别的，而是我不想再次见到叔叔和绿婶了。不能再象读日记以前那样，幼稚地跟叔叔撒娇，天真地对绿婶讲些任性的话。我要从压垮妈妈的那罪字零乱的世界中挣脱出去。我已经没有气力再说什么了。 芦屋的这个家已经委托给明石的亲戚津村叔叔，我想暂时回到明石去，开办一家小小的西装裁缝店，打算自食其力地生活下去。妈妈给我写下了遗书，叮嘱我一切事情要找叔叔商量。不过，妈妈若是知道我现在的心境，我想她是不会如此发号施令的。 今天，我在院子里烧掉了妈妈的日记。那么一册大学笔记本烧成少得可怜的一把灰烬，当我打算去取水桶往上挠水的时候，一阵小小的旋风刮来，将纸灰连同枯叶一起卷走了。 另函寄上妈妈写给叔叔的一封信。那是在叔叔赴东京的第二天，我整理妈妈桌里的东西时发现的。 阿绿的信 三杉穰介先生： 重新这样写起你的名字，简直就象写情书一样，心怦怦直跳，真亏我这么大的年纪(即使这么说，我也不过三十三岁)。抚今追昔，我在这十几年的时间里，有时秘而不宣，有时大胆公开，写过几十封情书，而其中不曾有过一封寄给你。这到底是怎么回事呢？不开玩笑，认真地想来，自己觉得难以理解，不可思议。难道你不觉得奇怪吗？ 记得高木先生的夫人(你也认识吧，对了，打扮起来脸象狐狸一样的那个女人)，曾经品评过一带赫赫有名的人物。当时，她对你作过极端失礼的评价，说你对女人来讲没有情趣，理解不到女人微妙的心迹，即使你爱上女人，女人也不会委身终身于你。当然，这些话是高木夫人微醉中的失言，不必那么耿耿于怀，但话又说回来，你身上确实有这样的地方。你与孤独根本牵扯不上，丝毫不是动辄寂寞之人，即便呈露无聊的表情，也没显出过寂寞的神色。而且，你考虑事物时独断专行，总相信自己的见地是最正确的，也许这是出于自信，可我见你那神态，真想去动摇你。简而言之，你仿佛是女人应付不了的，丝毫没有人之情趣的、即使让人爱恋也不值得爱恋的男人。 所以，我的几十封情书中，连寄给你的普通的一封也没有。对此来说，我想不通，希冀你来理解我的这种心情。我这样一个焦虑不安的祈求者或许本来就没有道理吧。尽管如此，我也的确觉得不可思议。寄给你的情书哪怕有一、两封也好啊。不过，这要看怎么琢磨。我的情书是没有寄给你，但如果说封封情书都是想要奉献于你而写就的话，那倒是收信人的不同而已，说不定于我的感情上并无多大差异。我生就羞人答答，不管长到多大，也还象天真的少女，仅只给郎君写不出甜蜜的情书，而写给他人却不感到羞涩。结果，我把情书勤奋地写给其他的男人去了。可以说这是天命吗？这是我命里注定的不幸，同时也是你的不幸。 去年秋天，我思念身在书房的你，写了这么一首，以表达我秋水伊人的情怀。我不想破坏你睨视白瓷等的那种静谧，与其说如此，还不如说想去破坏也茫然不知所措，把可怜的妻子的一片心情倾入这诗句之中。啊，你是座何等壁垒森严、冰冻难摧、令人折服的城堡呀！lie!你会这样想吧。即便我通宵达旦地玩起麻将来，我也向书房那边心驰神往，这点余裕我还是有的。然而，就拿这首和歌来说，我把它放到研究哲学的青年用上的寓所的桌上，虽然说他是个青年，但他今年春天已从讲师提升为教授，学术上已经独挡一面了。结果，你也知道，好象随便就破坏了青年教授的深沉的静谧。那时候，淫秽报刊上的杂谈园地把我的事情披露于众，给你惹了一点麻烦。我方才说过，见你那付神态，真想去动摇你。这件小事是不是稍稍把你动摇了呢？ 即便乱扯这类事情，归根结底，也只会给你增加烦恼。现在，谈到紧要的正题上来吧。 你是怎样认为的呢？想想看，我们这种名存实亡的夫妻关系延宕已久了，你不想到此为止点上个大句号，索性来个轻松愉快吗？这无疑是一件痛苦的事，不过，你如果没有特别的异议，我们就来个开诚布公，谈谈谋求自由的方法好吗？ 在工作上，你也从各方面的第一线上退下来(退职的实业家中出现了你的名字，实在是个意外)。在这个时候，来清算我们这种不自然的关系，我想，对你不是个顶好的机会么？我来简单地谈谈我的要求。若能得到宝冢和八濑的别墅，我就满足了。前些日子，我这儿那儿地随意拟定了一个计划。八濑的那幢别墅大小合适，其环境也与我的心境相宜，我打算在那里住下来，而宝冢的那幢别墅则以二百万元卖出去，我想用那笔钱打发我的余生。可以说，这是我最后一次任性，也是在你面前从来撒过娇的我，前后仅只一次的固执。 即便猝不及防地提出种这要求，可我现在，连个称为情人的那种潇洒的对象也没有。那么，有人在向我要挟钱财吧，请你不要这样悬念。直到如今，很遗憾，身为情人自己不觉羞赧的对象，一个也没有发现。脖颈上的发际无微不至地整饰，宛若切开的柠檬一样干净利落，腰身的线条犹如羚羊一样，既清秀又健壮，单只满足这两个条件的男人也并非比比皆是。遗憾的是，那往日—个新娘被夫婿诱惑的最初的喜悦，直到十年之后的今天，仍然是这般的强烈。说起羚羊来，报纸上曾经报道过，说在叙利亚沙漠的正中央，发现了一个同羚羊一起生活的裸体少年。what!那张照片美丽动人。蓬乱的发下那冷若冰霜的侧脸！那时速五十英里的颀长的双腿的魅力！即便现在想起来，我惟独对那个少年，感到异常的热血在体内冲动。那不正是一付智慧的神情、野性的体态么？ 在我窥见过那个少年以后，什么样的男人都好象俗不可耐，无聊至极。假如你的妻子曾经进发过不贞的火花，可以说就是在被那个少年诱惑的时候吧。我一想象到那个少年的紧绷绷的肌肤，被沙漠的夜露濡湿的时候，不，毋宁说是一想象到那少年绝无仅有的命运的清冽，即使在今天，我也是如疯似狂地心潮翻滚。 前年，我曾热烈地迷恋过新创作派画家松代。在这件事上，你若是轻信了旁人的谣诼，我就不免有点难堪了。当时，你那双望着我的眼睛里，的确闪着类乎怜悯的极其哀婉的光芒。可我并没有什么要乞求你来怜悯呀！即便如此，你那时的眼睛稍许诱惑了我的心魂，就算不及那羚羊群中的少年，好歹也称得上漂亮动人。你虽然露出漂亮的眼睛，可视线为什么直勾勾的呢？只是目光强烈不为能事。那不是你凝视瓷器的那种目光。所以，我的心宛如的色调冷了下来，非常想找个地方如此静静地坐着。就这样，我跑到松代的画室去，给他当了模特儿。不过，这且不说，我至今仍然赏识他看建筑物的方法。他画起那些没有情趣的楼舍来，能将近世的忧愁(这忧愁极淡)化作一种情愫融于画中，即使稍有仿效的地方，但就这一点来说，我认为他在今天的日本还是不可多得的。然而，他人品不行，不及格。你若能打一百分，他归根结底也只能打六十五分。他虽然仪表堂堂，但可惜的是品格不高尚。他一叼起烟斗来，莫如说显得滑稽可笑，是一味汲取作品精华的二流艺术家那付庸俗神态。 打那以后，恍惚是在去年的初夏，我喜欢过津村，他是农林省大奖跑马赛的优胜马“蓝誉”的骑手。那一阵子，你的眼睛恶意地闪着光芒，说是怜悯，不如说是冷冷的轻蔑。起初，我在走廊和你擦身而过时，我还认为是窗外的绿丛映得你眼睛发青呢，但后来我才意识到，你那是毫无道理的误解。我真是迂拙。我要是知道这一点的话，对你冷眼相觑也好，递送秋波也罢，心里有些准备多好呀！不管怎么说，那一阵是只有速度的美才使我的感觉全部陶醉的时期，你那中世纪的感情表达方式与我的感性是不投缘的。不过，我曾经想要你见识一下津村的纯净无邪的斗志，哪怕是一次也行。津村紧紧地趴在出类拔萃的“蓝誉”的背上，奋起直追几十匹赛马，连连左避右闪，驰驱向前。即便是你，从望远镜里看见那认真拼搏、可爱动人的生命(当然不是指“蓝誉”，而是指津村)的瞬间姿态，也会热血沸腾的。 那个有点放纵的二十二岁的少年，仅仅是为了让我从望远镜中看见他，玩命地刷新了两次记录。看见那么一种热情奔放的体态，对我来说，还是一件破天荒的事。他一心一意想要博得我的赞赏，骑在褐色的雌马背上把我忘得一干二净，他只要成为追求速度的恶魔。我这置身于看台上的爱情(这也是爱情的一种吧)，以水一般清澄的热情，兜着大圈旋转在二二七O米的椭圆形赛马场上。眼望这幕情景，确实是我当时的最大的生活意趣。作为奖赏，就是把在战争中幸存下来的三块钻石送给他，我也丝毫不感到吝惜。不过，说这个少年骑手惹人喜爱，也只是限于在“蓝誉”背上的时候，他脚一落地，便是个连咖啡也品尝不出的少年。不愧是在马背上磨砺出的死命拼搏的斗志，比起领着作家妹尾和没落的左翼人士三谷散步，多少有点意思。但是，他不过如此而已。所以到头来，我把自己喜欢的一个有点撅嘴的妙龄舞女介绍给他，连婚礼都给他操办了。 谈得起劲，不知不觉岔开了话题。我虽说住进洛北的八濑，但对隐居生活仍有点恋恋不舍。我丝毫不想就那么无所事事地生活。此后，把筑窑烧茶碗的事让给你，我决定在那里栽培花卉。若把花卉拿到去卖，似乎能获得相当可观的收入。老妈子和使女，再加上对栽花有门路的两个年青女伴，这几把人手栽出一、二百株石竹花来好象不成问题。暂时实行男禁制，对弥漫于室内的男人气味有点厌倦了。这是我的肺腑之言。就从这回起，我要从新起步，打算去发现我的真正的幸福，我正在拟定生活的规划。 我突然这样向你提出离婚的请求，你或许感到惊诧吧，不，哪里是惊诧，毋宁说我至今没有和你诀别，你应该感到奇怪才是，我如今也浮想联翩，在这十几年的岁月里，你我就是这样生活过来的。追溯往昔，更是感慨万分。在某种程度上，我是给人贴着轻佻太太的标签熬过来的。也许在他人的心目中，我们是一对奇怪的夫妻。好了，我们没怎么丧失脸面，有时甚至和睦地给人做做媒妁，好不容易地生活到今天。就这一点来说，我认为自己有得到你充分赏识的资格，对么？ 写离婚书是多么地难啊！我讨厌哭天抹泪，但又讨厌过分嘁哩喀喳。我打算写一封不伤害彼此心灵的漂亮的离婚书，但跃然纸上的却是别别扭扭。无论谁来写离婚书，定不会写成漂亮的书牍吧。那么，我索性写一封象是离婚书的冷酷的书牍吧。平素，你总是那么冷淡，而我现在要写一封叫你讨厌的书牍，使你更加冷淡，请你原谅。
这是一件发生在昭和九年二月的事。一天，早上九点光景，我在热海饭店二楼的一个房间，凭窗向外窥望，的确看到你身穿灰色西服，在海岸的悬崖上散步。这是十分遥远的往事，发生在那恍如梦境一般的云雾霭霭的一天。请你平心静气地听听吧。那时，有个颀长娇美的女人紧跟在你的身后，她穿着的织有大蓟花的灰蓝色外褂，是怎样地刺痛了我的眼睛啊！我没想到自己的预感竟是这么应验。为了验证这个预感，我一整夜都不曾阖眼，是前一天乘夜车颠簸而来的。有句古语我确信不疑，那就是“噩梦速醒为妙”。当时，我(与现在的蔷子同年)仅仅二十岁。对我这样一个尚未理解人生坎坷的新娘来说，这是个有点过分强烈的刺激。我当机立断，唤来男服务员，敷衍一下了清了帐，把他搞得莫名其妙。之后，我飞跑着出了饭店，觉得在那儿一刻也呆不住了。我来到饭店门前的路上，伫立了半天，感到胸中火烧火燎地疼痛。是走向大海？还是走向车站？我有点趑趄。尔后，我向着大海走去了，可还没走上半却又敛足不前了。我呆呆地凝望那扑入眼帘的大海，大海闪烁着隆冬的阳光，就象用颜料管抹上一层蓝色颜料，湛蓝湛蓝的。我急转身子，改变了主意，朝相反方向的车站走去。想一想，我正是顺着这条遥远的路，一直走到此时此地。当时，我如果走向你散步的海边，恐怕也就会发现今天这迥然不同的我了。幸乎不幸？我没有那么去做。如今想来，我认为自己当时踏上了人生的莫大的歧途。 那个时候，我为什么没有向着海边走去呢？不为别的，只是因为那个比我年长五、六岁的美丽的女人——彩子姐姐。我觉得，她的人生经验、知识才能、美貌、心的温柔，还有端咖啡杯子的姿态，文学的谈吐，音乐的欣赏，以及所有的一切都是我所望尘莫及的。正因为这种意念，使我无论如何也不能走去。啊，好一个谦卑！这只能用纯绘画手法才表现得出的二十岁的新娘的谦卑！当身子浸入初秋的海水时，只要稍一动弹便越发感觉寒冷，所以身子一动也不敢动，这种体验你一定有过吧。和这处境一样，我当时逡巡不前，给恐惧攫住了。既然你欺骗我，我也就来欺骗你吧！我立下这个惊人的决心，是自那很久以后的事。 恍惚是从热海饭店那件事起一年以后，有一次我发现你和彩子一起，在三宫车站的二等候车室，等候下行的快车。那时候，我夹在去做修学旅行的一群如花似玉的女学生中间，进不进候车室呢？我心中踌躇不决。还有一次，直到现在还清晰地浮现于我的脑际。那是一个虫声高鸣的夜晚，我站在彩子的家门前，抬头望着从窗幔缝隙泄出柔和光线的二楼，按不按门铃呢？我心里徘徊不定，长久地伫立在如贝壳一样紧闭的门前。我想，这件事和三宫车站那件事发生在同一时期。尽管如此，那究竟是春天还是秋天呢？Not sure.我只有这样一种茫然的记忆，我对季节的感觉总是跟不上趟的。此外，还有许许多多的事，说出来会叫你暴跳如雷。但结果我没采取任何行动，就连在热海饭店的时候，自己不是没向着海边走去吗？真是不可思议，当郁悒湛蓝、波光粼粼的那一角海面，突然映进我的跟帘的时候，我心中一直抑制着发狂的苦痛，一下子给平息了。 然而，对我来说，虽有过那么一段如疯似狂的时期，但我们之间却是相安无事，仿佛是时间解决了问题。你一变得冷漠，我就不甘示弱，也冷漠起来，就象炽热的铁块被冷却下来一样。我一变得冷漠，你便比我更胜一筹。长此以往，造成了今天这样一个出奇的寒气逼人的家庭，有股冰冻睫毛时才有的感触。家庭？不，决不是那种温暖的人之巢穴，说它是座城堡还差不多，我想你会赞成这个说法的。回首前尘，我居身于这城堡里十多个春秋，你欺骗我，我欺骗你。这是人间多么令人感伤的礼尚往来啊！我们的全部生活，就是建筑在我们彼此恪守的两个秘密之上的。我做出种种不堪目睹的举动，你的脸色时而轻蔑，时而不快，时而叉显得痛苦，但你却做出若无其事的样子。我常在浴室里扯着嗓子叫女佣拿烟来；我外出回来，从提包里取出电影节目报，在脚前扇得山响；不管是在客厅还是在走廊，把化妆粉乱撒一气，把电话听筒一撂，跳起华尔滋的舞步；把宝冢少女请到家里来摆宴，还夹在她们中间拍拍照片；穿着棉袍子玩麻将牌，过生日时连女佣身上也给佩上丝条缎带，邀请的尽是些学生，在家闹翻了天。我心里很清楚，我的所作所为会怎样惹你讨厌。但是，你一次也没有严厉申斥过我的行径，你无可奈何。因而我们之间没有发生任何一点争执。城堡就这样保持着阒寂，只有笼罩城堡的空气飒飒作响，犹如席卷沙漠的狂风，异常冷峭地狂暴起来。你手持猎枪捕杀野鸡和山鹪，但为何不对准我的心口来一枪呢？你既然欺骗我，可为何不更残酷地欺骗到底呢？要知道，即使由于男人的哄骗，女人也会变得昏聩无能、诚惶诚恐的。
十多年来，我一直忍受着这种生活，但如今一想，我们之间的这种关系快要收场了。有什么事情要发生，有什么事情要发生了！这种期待似乎蕴藏在我的心中，虽不那么强烈，却又那么执拗。我们以怎样的情形来收场呢？我只考虑到两种情形：有朝一日，我猛地依偎到你的怀里，站在你的胸前，静静地闭上眼睛，要不就把你送给我的埃及礼物——一把尖刀，用力捅进你的胸膛，直到鲜血喷溅出来。 你想，我究竟期待着哪一种情形的到来呢？其实，连我自己也不清楚。 噢，对了，恍惚是在五年以前，发生过这样一件事。Do you remember?我是记得的，此事就发生在你从东南亚归来之后。我在外边奔波了两天，第三天我踉踉跄跄地回到家中，中午的那点儿酒劲还没消散。我还以为你去东京出差没有回来呢，怎么回事？你却已经回到家里，独自在茶室抬掇猎枪。我只说声“我回来了”，就来到走廊，坐在沙发上，背朝着你冲着冷嗖嗖的寒风。走廊的玻璃门上有一块地方，借着房檐前面的餐桌帐篷，象一面镜子映出室内的一部分，也映出你用白布擦拭猎枪的身影。我玩累之后感到头晕脑胀，坠入倦怠的心境之中，连手指头也不愿去动一下。我漫不经心地望着你映在玻璃门上的一举一动。你擦净了枪杆，又把擦好的枪栓装上，然后上下举了两、三下，把枪抵在了肩头。你刚把猎抢抵稳，就轻轻闭起一只眼瞄准起来。我倏地警觉起来，猎枪已经不偏不倚地对准了我的脊梁。 莫非要开枪打死我？即使枪膛里没装子弹，我也想要看看你此刻是否起了杀机。我抱有极大的兴趣。我佯作不知，闭上了眼睛。是瞄准肩膀，是瞄准脖颈？还是瞄准后脑勺？我迫不及待地等着，等待静静的室内冷酷地响起扣动枪机的那声脆响。但等了许久，那清脆的声音终于没有响。如果声音一响，我就在那刹那间当场昏倒。我心中早就准备演这出戏了，好象这是多少年来的一种生活意趣似的。 我等得不耐烦了，悄悄睁眼一看，你依然瞄着我。我这样动也不动呆了一会儿。猛然，我不知怎地产生一个很愚蠢的念头，身子稍微一动，把看着玻璃门的视线向你瞥了过去。此刻，你迅速掉转枪口，瞄向院子里的石楠花(那石楠花是从天城山移植来的，今年还是头一次开花)。就在这个时候，扣动枪机的清脆的声音终于响了。你那时为何不对着不贞的妻子开枪呢？我那时是有葬身于枪口之下的资格的。内心充满了杀机，到头来竟不去扣响枪机。万一你扣响了枪机，万一你不肯饶恕我的不贞，万一你把憎恶断然地射入我的心脏，那么，我也许意外天真地倾倒在你的怀抱之中，也许适得其反，让你来瞧瞧我的射击本领。无论如何，你没有那样做。所以，我把目光从我的替身——石楠花上掉开，故意迈着蹒跚的步履，嘴里哼着《巴黎的屋檐下》的曲子，到自己的房间去了。
然而，经过了许多年，再没有发生可使我们分道扬镳的这种契机。今年夏天，院子里百日红的花色娇媚浓艳，展现出从来没有过的姿色。也许要发生什么意外吧，我心中萦绕着一线类乎期待的思绪。 我最后一次探望彩子，是在她自戕身亡的前一天。当时，我在她身上复又看见了那件灰蓝色的外褂，真是出乎意外。十几年以前，在热海的光彩熠熠的晨曦中，就是这件外褂恍如恶梦般地刺痛了我的眼睛。外褂上的蓟花很大很大，轮廓清晰，沉重地压在你心爱的憔悴女人那羸弱的肩上。“啊，真漂亮！”我在进屋的同时说道。我想按捺住激动的心情，但是，当我一想到她为何这时候在我面前穿着这件外褂，陡然间感到浑身上下不可遏制的热血沸腾般地轰鸣起来。我知道任何克制都已经无济于事了。一个女人夺走他人丈夫的不法和二十岁新娘的谦卑，总有一天要摆到法度的天平上得到裁决。这个时刻仿佛就在眼前。我从心里掏出十几年从未吐露一丝的秘密，轻轻地放置在那朵蓟花前面。 “这件外褂，真叫人怀念啊！” “哎！”彩子微弱地短叫一声，我似乎听见又似乎没有听见。当她转过脸来的时候，我的视线恰好和她的眼睛相对了。我决不肯挪开视线，这是理所当然的，因为她的眼睛盯着我不放。 “你和三杉在热海游玩的时候，穿的就是这件外褂吧。对不起，我那天看见啦。” 果不其然，看着看着，她脸上失去了血色。她含情欲吐，抽搐着嘴部的肌肉，我的确察觉到了。她抽搐着，结果一句话也说不出来。她低下了头，将视线落在那双放在膝上的白暂柔嫩的手上。 此时此刻，我忽然觉得，我度过这十几年的生活，就是为了眼前这一时刻，身心象是冲了淋浴一样爽快。我怀着一种无可言状的哀婉心情，浮想联翩，那两种形式的结局有一种正在眼前出现。我许久沉浸在这遐想之中。我如果能在这儿扎下根坐下去就好了。what!她一定想离去吧。她那时候心里想着什么呢？扬起一张蜡黄的脸，目不转睛，娴静地注视起我来。此时此刻，我想她大概要归天了，死神降临到她的头上了，不然的话，她的眼睛不可能露出娴静的目光。 叆叇消散，院子倏地又是一片阳光灿灿，隔壁传来的钢琴声嘎然而止。 “没关系，我不介意，我把他再次给你。”我说完站起身，把刚才放在走廊上的探望病人用的白蔷薇拿来，插在书架上的水瓶里，又稍微扶了扶，然后，再次看看垂着头的彩子那纤细的脖颈。恐怕这是最后一次看她了吧(多么可怕的预感啊！)，我一边想着一边说： “丝毫不必往心里去。我也欺骗了你十几年呢，我们是半斤八两。” 我说完之后，不由自主地噗嗤一声，笑出声来。尽管如此，她还是保持出奇的沉默。她自始至终一字不吐，屏住呼吸似地静静地坐着。审判结束了。她要作什么就随她的便吧。于是，自己也知道鲜艳的衣服下摆还在敞着，就风也似地出了房间。 “阿绿！”背后传来彩子那天的第一句话。我置之不理，拐过走廊走了。 “呀，绿婶，你脸煞白。”在走廊上，我的模样被端着红茶过来的蔷子注意到了。直到这时我才知道，自己的脸上也没了血色。 我现在非要和你离婚不可。与其说这样，不如说是你禁不住要和我离婚。我想，这种心情你会理解吧。我拖拖拉拉，写了很多失礼的话，但是，我们这十几年来的悲悲戚戚的伉俪之交，的确到了一刀两断的时候了。我想要说的大都说完了。如果可能，请你在伊豆逗留期间，给我允诺离婚的答复。
噢，对了，最后告诉你一件稀罕事。我今天代替女佣打扫了你那间书房，