Chapter 73 ten test

My self-estimation, again, was too high.I had a test. The situation of the Great Leap Forward has appeared on all production fronts across the country. At this time, the Institute pointed out to us that in order to keep up with the situation and step up learning and transformation, it is necessary to conduct a ideological inspection and remove obstacles in the way of thinking.The method is to talk about the changes in thinking and understanding over the past few years at the study meeting, and talk about what problems are still unclear.Others can help with analysis, and they can also ask questions to clarify themselves.When it was my turn, something went wrong.

I talked about my past thoughts and my changing views on many issues, and in seeking advice I was asked: "People of our origin have a profound relationship with Japanese imperialism, and may be somewhat disconnected in thought and emotion. Your relationship with the Japanese is not shallower than ours. Others have talked about this issue. Why didn't you talk about it at all? Don't you have one?" "I only hate the Japanese, I have no feelings at all. I am different from you." My words aroused the resentment of many people.Some people said: "Why are you so dishonest? Do you still think you are superior to others?" Some people said: "What is your relationship now? Are you more advanced than anyone else?" Some people cited many past examples, For example, the poem I wrote in Japan, I helped the Japanese empress dowager up the steps, etc. It shows that I was more grateful to the Japanese than anyone else at the time, but now I don’t admit it at all, which is unbelievable.I replied that I used to use each other with the Japanese in the past, and I didn't have any feelings at all;No one agreed with this explanation.Later, when I talked about the fear in my heart when I fled to Dalizigou, someone asked me:

"The Japanese want to send you to Tokyo, and they have remitted 300 million yen to prepare for it. Aren't you grateful to Japanese imperialism?" "300 million yen?" I was surprised, "I don't know what 300 million yen is!" Actually, this is not a big problem.The Japanese Kwantung Army withdrew the final reserves from the treasury of the Puppet Manchukuo, claiming that it was shipped to Japan for the "Emperor of Manchukuo".I haven't even seen a single penny of this money, and others know about it, so they shouldn't take it as my crime, but just want to understand my thoughts and feelings at that time.If I could recall it calmly, or ask others humbly, I would have remembered, but instead of doing so, I declared very confidently and firmly: "I don't know anything about it!"

"Don't know?" Many people who knew about it cried out, "This is a matter of Zhang Jinghui and Wubu Liuzang. Zhang Jinghui just died, so you don't admit it?" Another person asked me: "Are you pleading guilty?" Didn’t you write about it when you read it?” When I said no, they were even more surprised: “Who doesn’t know about this!” “It’s not three hundred and three thousand, it’s three hundred million!” It was only at night that I seriously recalled it.This thought, I suddenly remembered.When I was in Dalizigou, Xiqia told me that the Kwantung Army took away all the gold from the Manchukuo Bank, saying that it was for me to go to Japan to prepare for my future life.This must be the 300 million yen.At that time, I was worried about the danger of my life, and I didn't take this matter to heart.The next day, I asked others again, and it was indeed the case, so I told everyone at the group meeting.

"Why did you hide it before?" Several people asked together. "Who is hiding it? I just forgot!" "You still say you forgot?" "Now that I think about it." "Why can't I remember it before?" "If you forget, you forget! Don't you sometimes forget things?" This sentence caused a discussion that was difficult to deal with: "The more time passes, the more I remember, but the closer I get, the more I forget. It's really strange." "It turned out that I had concerns, but I didn't dare to admit it." "I don't have the courage to admit my mistakes, how can I reform?" "No one believes your words. The government I can’t be fooled by insurance anymore.” “You like sophistry and lies too much!” “Can such a dishonest person be reformed?”……

The more I argue, the more people don't believe me. I think this is troublesome. Everyone thinks that I am insisting on making mistakes and insisting on lying. If it is reported to the institute and everyone agrees, will the institute still believe what I said?Thinking of this in my mind, I felt like a ghost, and I immediately lost my head.I didn't have the concerns they said, but now I really have concerns. "Take Zeng Zi's virtuousness, Zeng's mother's faith, and three people doubt it, so the loving mother can't believe it!" Thinking of this story, I lost all my courage, so my old illness broke out-as long as I can escape this difficulty safely , don't need any principles.Isn't it possible to pass by after a review?Okay, I admit it: I used to be worried about the government's punishment, so I didn't dare to confess, but now that everyone has said it, I don't have any worries.

Of course I really forgot about the 300 million yuan, but on this issue, it just happened to expose the deepest things in my soul. Afterwards, no one in the group took an interest in my question, but I couldn't get the matter out of my mind.The more I thought about it, the more disturbed I felt, and the worse things got.I obviously forgot, but it was said to be a concealment; I was afraid that the government would say that I was dishonest, but I was dishonest and told lies.This incident became my heart disease, and I encountered torture on my own. In the past, I was full of doubts and fears, and when I regarded every action of the staff as hostile, I was always tortured by the fear of the death penalty.Now, I understand that the government not only does not want me to die, but also supports me to be a human being. I am full of hope, and I don't want to encounter another kind of torture.The more encouraged by the staff, the more severe the torture.

One day, the guard told me that the director asked me to talk.I thought it must be about the 300 million yen.I guess the director may be very annoyed that I was treated like this, but still concealed the crime.If so, I really don't know what to do.But at the same time, there is another possibility, that is, the director will be happy, thinking that I have admitted my mistakes and made a self-criticism, and maybe he will praise me for it.If so, it would be worse than scolding me.I played tricks in my mind for a while, and when I entered the director's reception room, I realized that what the director was talking about was completely different.

However, due to the result of meeting the director this time, I fell into a deeper depression. The old director has been gone for many days.This time he came with another chief.After they asked me about my study and work, they asked about my activities about eliminating the four pests. The director said that he had heard that I had made progress in catching flies and had completed the task. He did not know what achievements I had in this mouse-catching campaign.I said I haven't made a plan yet, but I think each of our group can eliminate at least one. "What about you?" asked the chief who was sitting next to the director.Only then did I realize that this was when I was in Harbin, and the chief who asked me why I didn’t protest the massacre of the Japanese devils couldn’t help feeling a little flustered.Before I could answer, he asked again: "Have you not started the 'killing ring' yet?" After that, he laughed out loud.The laughter dissipated my flustered emotions, and I replied that I had long since lost those thoughts, and this time I planned to eliminate a mouse in the mouse-hunting campaign.

"Your plan is too conservative!" He shook his head and said, "Nowadays, even elementary school students don't have only one plan for each." "I can try to eliminate two." I said seriously. At this time, the director said, if you don’t set a target for me, I can try my best to do it.Speaking of which, call me back. When I came back from the director, I felt a heavy feeling in my heart.It wasn't because I was embarrassed by the never-before-tried mouse-hunting task in my life, but I was reminded of many things from this conversation.I remembered that during a campaign to eradicate mosquitoes and flies not long ago, the staff specifically checked my plan. I remembered that I was encouraged by the director because I learned how to wash clothes. ... The staff treated me a little bit in everything A drop of hard work is nothing more than "being a human being" for me.However, I cheated people again. I thought that even if I caught a hundred mice, it would not be able to offset my mistake.

Watchman Jiang, who had just got off work, saw me in a daze alone in the club, and asked me if I had a mousetrap method, and said he could help me make a mousetrap.To be honest, not only can I not catch the mouse, but I don't even know where the mouse is hiding.I eagerly accepted his help.When I learned how to make a mousetrap with him, the thoughts I had just let go were brought back again. While we were making mousetrap, we chatted.Watchman Jiang talked about his childhood life from catching mice.I inadvertently learned of the tragic circumstances of his boyhood.It never occurred to me that this young man who was usually very quiet and kind to others suffered so much during the Manchukuo period.He is a typical victim of the policy of "gathering households and villages together".As a result of three consecutive family gatherings and living in a hut in the cold weather, his whole family contracted typhoid fever. Eight brothers died, and he was the only one left.The seven younger brothers who died were all buried naked. We got the mousetrap done and his story was broken.He led me to find the mouse hole, and I followed him silently, thinking about how this young man, who was killed by the Puppet Manchukuo regime with seven brothers, could help me catch mice so calmly today?All the guards here are so kind, what was their past situation like?Later, I couldn't help but ask him: "Watchman Wang and Watchman Liu, have they both suffered in Puppet Manchukuo?" "Who wasn't punished at that time?" He said, "Watchman Wang was arrested as a laborer three times, and Watchman Liu was forced to join the Anti-Japanese Allied Forces because he had nowhere to go." I understand now, no need to ask, all the personnel from the Northeast have suffered during the Puppet Manchukuo period. I followed his instructions, and indeed I completed the task, and it was twice the excess.When Watchman Wang and Watchman Liu heard that I had caught the mouse, they both came to see my "captive" as if they had discovered a miracle, and praised my progress.Listening to their praise, I feel very uncomfortable.These people who were fed up with the crimes during the Manchukuo period regarded my "progress" so important, but I was still lying to them! I went to work in the infirmary every day as usual, cleaned the house as usual, measured the blood pressure of patients, performed electrotherapy, and studied Chinese medicine. The short Japanese war criminal bowed to me every day as usual.But I couldn't hear his words clearly, and "Introduction to Traditional Chinese Medicine" became difficult to understand, and I often had to repeat it several times when measuring blood pressure.My younger sister and brother-in-law continued to write about their new achievements, and expressed their best wishes to me many times, hoping that I will recover as soon as possible and share a happy life with them.Those words sounded like accusations now. Autumn is here, we made a surprise coal briquette like last year, and the deputy director and cadres worked together to prepare fuel for the greenhouse for the winter.I carried as much coal as possible, but tried not to let the director see me, for fear of hearing his praise.At this time, if you hear a compliment, it is more uncomfortable than being scolded. One day, when it was time for electrotherapy, I was busy with other things, and I was one step late, and there were already two people waiting there.One of them is the Japanese guy who bows every time.I know he comes first every time, so let him do it first.To my surprise, he gestured to the other one and said something in Chinese at the same time: "Please, I'm not busy." "According to the order, you come first." The war criminal of the Chiang Kai-shek clique who was pushed by him said. "You're welcome, I'm not busy. I can sit for a while." He added as if explaining: "I'm about to be released." This is the first time I know that he can speak such good Chinese.I was handling the equipment for the war criminal of the Chiang Kai-shek clique, and I glanced at the Japanese a few times.I saw him staring at the opposite wall with a serious face.After a while, his gaze moved to the ceiling again. "This room was one of the torture rooms during Manchukuo," he said in a low voice, unable to make out whether he was talking to himself or someone else. "I don't know how many patriotic Chinese are here. I have been punished!" After a while, he pointed to the roof and said: "At that time, there were iron chains hanging on it. There was blood all over the wall." He looked around the wall, and his eyes finally stopped on the glass cabinet.After a while of silence, he continued, "When the Chinese gentlemen repaired this room, we thought it was restoring the torture room to take revenge on us. Later, when we saw the doctor in white, we thought they were going to use us for autopsy experiments. Who knows , is the infirmary for our treatment..." His voice choked. The war criminals of the Chiang Kai-shek Group left after treatment, and I gave the Japanese electrotherapy.He stood respectfully and said: "I don't need it. I came to see this room. I haven't seen Dr. Wen. Please tell him that I am not qualified to thank him. I am thanking him for my mother. Thank you, Mr. Doctor." "I'm not a doctor, I'm Puyi." I don't know if he heard it, but after bowing, he bent and exited the door. I feel like I can't take it anymore.No matter how difficult it is to understand, I will correct my lies. At this moment, the old director came to the management office and wanted to talk to me. I pushed open the door of the reception room.Behind the desk was the familiar gray-haired man.He was looking at a pile of materials and told me to sit down first.After a while, he closed the material and looked up. "I've read the records of your group. What's the matter? Have you had any problems with your mind recently?" When things came to an end, I hesitated again.I looked at the record materials of those groups, and thought of the group meetings where everyone spoke, and I couldn't help thinking: He would never believe what I said alone. What good would it do if I told the truth?However, how can I deceive people again? "Tell me, how did the group meeting go this time?" "Very good." I said, "This is a systematic summary of ideas, and the conclusions are all correct." "Huh?" The director raised his eyebrows, "Can you tell me in detail?" I don't think it's natural for me to breathe. "I'm telling the truth," I said. "It's true that I have had concerns. It's just an isolated instance..." "Why don't you go on? You know, I really want to know more about your state of mind." I feel like I can't stop talking.I finished what happened in one breath, and my heart was beating non-stop.The old director listened very attentively.After listening, he asked: "What's so hard to say? What do you think?" "I'm afraid of unanimity..." "As long as you're telling the truth, what are you afraid of?" The director looked very serious, "Can't the government conduct investigations and research, and make its own analysis and judgment? You still don't understand enough that it takes courage to be a human being. Have the courage to speak the truth." I shed tears.I didn't expect everything to be so clear in his eyes.What else can I say?