Chapter 13 Chapter 11 Reminders to those who care for the dying

In one hospice I knew of, a woman in her late seventies named Emily was terminally ill with breast cancer.Her daughter visits her every day and the two seem to have a good relationship.But when her daughter left, she sat and cried almost all by herself.It wasn't long before I found out what was going on, because her daughter was utterly refusal to accept that her death was inevitable, always encouraging her mother to "think positive" in hopes of curing the cancer.As a result, Emily must keep her thoughts, deep fears, pain, and sorrows to herself, with no one to share them with, to help her explore them, to help her understand life, to help her discover a cure for death. significance.

The most important thing in life is to establish carefree and sincere communication with others, among which communication with the dying is the most important.Emily's case is exactly that. Dying people often feel awkward and uncomfortable, and when you visit them for the first time, they don't know what your intentions are.Therefore, please try to be as natural and relaxed as possible when visiting the dying.Dying people often do not say what is really on their minds, and those close to them often do not know what to say or do, and it is difficult to discover what they are trying to say, or even what they are hiding.Sometimes they don't even know it themselves.Therefore, it is important to defuse any tense atmosphere in the simplest and most natural way possible.

Once trust and confidence are established, the atmosphere is relaxed and allows the dying person to say what he really wants to say.Warmly encourage him to express his thoughts, fears and emotions about dying and death as freely as possible.This kind of frank and unflinching disclosure of emotions is very important, allowing the dying person to smoothly transform their mood, accept life or face death well.And you have to give him complete freedom to say as much as he wants. When the dying person begins to express his most private feelings, do not interrupt, deny, or shorten what he is saying.The terminally ill or dying person is at the most vulnerable stage of life, you need to use your skill, sensitivity, warmth and compassion to let him fully reveal his mind.Learning to listen, learning to receive quietly: an open, serene stillness that made him feel accepted.Try to stay as relaxed as possible and sit down with your dying friend or relative.Think of it as the most important or loveliest thing.

Of all the serious situations in life, I have found two things that help the most: use common sense and a sense of humor.Humor has an amazing power to lighten the atmosphere, help people understand the fact that the process of dying is natural and universal, and break the overly serious and tense atmosphere.So use humor as skillfully and gently as possible. I've also found from personal experience not to take things too personally.When you least expect it, the dying can use you as an object of anger and blame.As the psychiatrist Kübleros puts it: "Anger and blame can come from all directions and be projected into the environment at any time." Don't think that this anger is really directed at you: just think that it is caused by the dying person. Fear and sadness, so you don't make moves that could hurt your relationship.

Sometimes it is tempting to preach to the dying person, or tell him about your own practice.However, you should definitely avoid doing this, especially if you suspect it may not be what the dying person needs.No one wants to be "saved" by someone else's beliefs.Remember your job is not to convert anyone, but to help the person in front of you get in touch with his own strength, confidence, faith, and spirit.Of course, if that person is really open to the practice and really wants to know what you think about the practice, don't hold back. Don't expect too much from yourself, and don't expect your help to have magical effects or "save" the dying person, or you are bound to be disappointed.People live in their own way and die as they live.In order to establish genuine communication, you must strive to see that person for his own life, character, background, and history and accept him without reservation.Don't be discouraged if your help doesn't seem to be working and the dying person isn't responding, we don't know what impact our care can have.

To express unconditional love: What the dying person needs most is an expression of unconditional love, as much as possible.Don't think you have to be an expert in something to do it.Be natural, be your normal self, and be a real friend, so the dying person will be sure that you really care about him and that you are communicating with him simply and equally. I once said, "Express unconditional love for the dying." But in some cases, it's never easy.Maybe we have a long history of pain with that person, maybe we feel guilty about what we did to him in the past, maybe we feel angry and disgusted with what he did to us in the past.

Therefore, I suggest two very simple ways to help you develop love for the dying person from the heart.I and my students who care for the dying have found this method to be very helpful.First, look at the dying person in front of you and imagine that he is exactly like you, has the same needs, the same basic desire to be happy, has the same loneliness, has the same fear of the strange world, has the same There is the same indescribable sense of helplessness in the hidden heart.You will find that if you do do this, your heart will open up to that person and love will manifest between the two of you.

The second method, which I have found to be more effective, is to put yourself directly in the dying person's shoes.Imagine that the person lying on the bed is you, dying; imagine that you are lying there in pain and alone.Then, seriously ask yourself, what do you need most?What do you want your friends in front of you to give you? If you do both of these practices, you'll discover that what the dying want is exactly what you want most: to be truly loved and accepted. I have also often found that very sick people expect to be touched, to be seen as alive rather than sick.Just touching his hand, looking into his eyes, gently massaging him or holding him in your arms, or breathing gently with him in the same rhythm can give him great comfort.The body has its own loving language; use it, and fear not, you can bring comfort and comfort to the dying.

We often forget that the dying person is losing everything: his home, his job, his loved ones, his body, his heart.All the losses we may experience in life add up to one great loss when we die, so how is it possible that the dying are not sometimes sad, sometimes miserable, sometimes angry?Dr. Kubleros believes that the process of accepting death has five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, disappointment, and acceptance.Of course, not everyone goes through the five stages, or in that order; for some, the road to acceptance can be very long and thorny; for others, the stage of acceptance may not be reached at all.Our culture doesn't educate people enough to understand their own thoughts, emotions and experiences, and many who face death and its final challenges find themselves deceived by their ignorance, frustrated and angry, especially when no one wants to know their heart when needed.Cicely Saunders, a pioneer of hospice care in the UK, said: "I once asked a person who knew he was going to die soon what he wanted most from the people who cared for him, and he said, 'I hope they look good. It’s like knowing me.” Indeed, it’s impossible to fully understand another person, but I’ve never forgotten that he doesn’t ask for success, only that someone is willing to try to understand him.”

The important thing is that we are willing to try, and that we reassure him that whatever he feels, whatever frustration and anger he has, is normal.Moving toward death brings out many suppressed emotions: sadness, numbness, guilt, and even envy of those who are still physically healthy.When these emotions arise for the dying person, help the dying person not to suppress them.Be with them when the waves of pain and grief burst; acceptance, time, and patient understanding will allow the emotions to slowly recede and bring the dying back to the dignity, serenity, and sanity that are truly theirs.

Don't tell the truth, and don't always try to find something profound to say.It is not necessary to “do” or say anything to improve the situation, just being with the dying person is enough.If you're feeling quite anxious and fearful and don't know what to do, be honest with the dying person and ask for help.This confession will bring you and the dying person closer and help open up a freer communication.Sometimes the dying know far better than we do what they need, and we need to know how to tap into their wisdom and get them to say what they know.Sisley Sanders asks us to remind ourselves that when we are with the dying, we are not the only givers. "All those who care for the dying will learn sooner or later that they have received more than they have given because they have encountered a lot of patience, courage and humor. We need to say this..." Tell the dying we know they have courage , can often inspire them. One thing I've found to be very helpful to me is this: When dealing with a dying person, always remember that there is always something inherently good about him.No matter what anger or emotion he has, no matter how frightened or alarmed he may be to you, noticing the goodness in him will allow you to take control of yourself and help him more.Just as you don't lose sight of his good qualities when you quarrel with a good friend, so do the same with the dying; whatever emotions arise, don't judge them by them.Your commitment like this can liberate the dying person and let him get the freedom he deserves.Please treat dying people with the openness, loveliness, and generosity they have ever been. On a deeper spiritual level, it helps me a lot to remember that dying people also have the potential for Buddhahood and full enlightenment, whether they know it or not.When the dying are closer to death, in many ways, the potential for enlightenment is greater.Therefore, they deserve more care and respect. Tell the truth: People often ask me, "Should I tell the dying person that he is approaching death?" I always answer, "Yes, as quietly, kindly, sensitively, and skillfully as possible." From my many years of experience with the sick and dying , I agree with Dr. Kubler-Ross's observation: "Most of the patients know that they are going to die. They know from the tears of their relatives and the tense faces of their family members that they are dying." I often find that people intuitively know their time is numbered but rely on someone else (physician or loved one) to tell them.If the family doesn't tell them, the dying person may think it's because the family couldn't deal with the news.Then, the dying person does not bring up the subject either.This lack of honesty only made him feel more alone and more anxious.I believe it is important to tell the patient the truth, at least he has a right to know.How can dying people prepare for their own death if they are not told the truth?How can they really bring the relationships in their lives to an end?How could they help the survivors to live on after his death? From a practitioner's point of view, I believe that the end of life is a great opportunity for people to accept their life; I have seen many individuals take this opportunity to change themselves in the most revealing ways and to move closer to their deepest truths .So if we take the opportunity to tell the dying early, kindly and sensitively, that they are dying, we are literally giving them the opportunity to prepare early to discover their own strength and meaning in life. Let me tell you a story I heard from Sister Brigid, a Catholic nurse working in a hospice in Ireland.Mr. Murphy and his wife, who are in their sixties, were told by the doctor that his days were numbered.The next day, when Mrs. Murphy visited him in the hospital, the two talked and cried all day.Sister Bridget watched the old couple talk and cry for three days, and wondered if she should intervene.However, another day later, the two old people suddenly became very relaxed and peaceful, holding each other's hands warmly. Sister Bridget stopped Mrs. Murphy in the passage and asked her what had happened to make such a change in them.Mrs. Murphy said that when they learned that Murphy was about to leave the world, they recalled the past years together and remembered many past events.They've been married for nearly forty years, and it's natural to feel sad when it comes to the fact that they won't be able to do things together anymore.So Mr. Murphy wrote a will and letters to his grown children.It was a painful thing because it was so hard to let go, but he did it anyway because Mr. Murphy wanted to end his life well. Sister Bridget told me that Mr. Murphy lived for another three weeks, and that the couple was peaceful and serene, with an air of approachability and love.Even after her husband passed away, Mrs. Murphy continued to visit the sick in the hospital and inspire everyone there. From this story, I learned that it is important to tell people early about their imminent death, and that there are great benefits to being honest about the pain of death.The Murphys know they have a lot to lose, but as they face the loss and grief together, they discover that they will not lose their enduring marital love. Dying fears: I am sure that Mrs. Murphy was able to help her husband in the process by confronting her own fears about dying.You cannot help a dying person unless you acknowledge how disturbing you are and how uncomfortable the fear of death is for you.Dealing with dying is like looking into a bright and cruel mirror, reflecting your own reality unreservedly.You see your own face of extreme pain and fear.If you can't look and accept your own face of pain and fear, how can you bear the person in front of you?When you want to help a dying person, you have to check every single reaction you have, because your reactions will be reflected in the dying person, making a big difference in whether you are helping or hurting him. Being honest about your fears will also help you on your journey to maturity.In my opinion, there is no better way to accelerate your growth than to take care of the dying, because it allows you to have a deep contemplation and reflection on death.When you are caring for the dying, you gain insight into what are the most important questions in life.To learn to help the dying is to start not to be afraid and responsible for your own dying, and to initiate a great compassion in yourself that you have never been aware of. Being aware of your own fears about dying can go a long way in helping you become aware of the dying person's fears.Think deeply about what the dying person might be like: the fear of increasing and uncontrollable pain, the fear of suffering, the fear of loss of dignity, the fear of being dependent on others, the fear that this life is worthless, the fear of leaving everything. Loved ones, fear of losing control, fear of losing the respect of others; perhaps our greatest fear is the fear of fear itself, and the more we run away from it, the stronger it becomes. Usually when you're scared, you feel alone and lonely.But when someone talks with you about his fears, you understand that fears are universal, and your personal pain goes away.Your fears are brought back into the universal vein of humanity.Then, you'll be able to understand and deal with fear in a more positive, enlightening, and compassionate way than you've ever been able to. As you grow enough to face and accept your own fears, you will become more sensitive to the fears of the person in front of you, and you will develop the wisdom to help a person by being open about his fears, facing it, and being skillful expel.You will find that facing your fears not only makes you more compassionate, brave and wise, but also makes you more skillful; that skill will enable you to use many methods to help the dying person understand and face yourself. One of the easiest fears to get rid of is the fear of unrelieved pain in the process of dying.I think everyone in the world can do without this fear at the moment.Physical suffering must be minimized; after all, death has suffered enough.St Christopher's Hospice in London is a hospital I am familiar with, and several of my students died there.A study done at that hospital showed that with the right care, 98 percent of patients died peacefully.The hospice movement has developed various methods of managing pain with synthetic drugs, not just narcotics.Buddhist masters emphasize the need to be conscious at the time of death, and the mind to be as clear, unobstructed and peaceful as possible.The first condition to achieve this state is to control the pain without clouding the dying person's consciousness.This is something that can be done now: everyone should have the right to this simple help when it matters most. Unfinished business: Dying people often worry about unfinished business.The master told us that we must die peacefully, "without clinging, longing, and attachment."It is impossible to fully let go if we cannot clean up the unfinished business in our life.Sometimes you find people clinging to life and are afraid to let go and die because they can't let go of what they did in the past.When a person dies with guilt or ill will toward others, those who survive suffer more. Sometimes people ask me, "Isn't it too late to heal the pain of the past? Is it possible to heal after so many painful experiences between me and my dying relatives and friends?" My belief and experience tell me that it is never too late. late; even after great pain and abuse, people can still discover ways to forgive each other.The moment of death has its solemnity, its solemnity, its finality, and it is more acceptable and ready to forgive than they could bear before.Even at the very end of life, the mistakes of a lifetime can still be undone. My students and those who care for the dying have discovered that there is a very effective way to help finish unfinished business.This method is derived from the Buddhist "Tonglen" (meaning to give and receive) and the Western "Gestalt" of my mind.) Gestalt therapy was devised by Christine Longaker, one of my earliest students who entered the field of hospice research after her husband died of leukemia. Unfinished business is often the result of blocked communication; when we are hurt, we often get defensive, always argue our own position, and refuse to understand the perspective of others. This is not only unhelpful, but also freezes any possible communication ...so when you do this kind of practice, you have to bring up all the negative thoughts and feelings, then try to understand, process and resolve, and finally let go. Now, visualize this troublesome person in front of you.In your mind's eye, seeing him is like never before.Imagine a real change now.He becomes more receptive and listens to what you have to say, and more willing to honestly resolve issues between the two of you.Visualizing him clearly in this new state of openness will help you to be more open to him.Then in your heart you really feel what you need to say to him most, tell him where the problem is, tell him all your feelings, your difficulties, your hurts, your regrets; tell him that you felt inconvenient and inappropriate in the past if. Now take a piece of paper and write down everything you want to say.When you're done, write down what he might say in response to you.Don't think about what he's used to saying; remember, as you visualized, now he's really heard what you're saying and is more open.So, write whatever comes to mind; while in your mind, allow him to fully express his problem. Think about whether there is anything else you want to say to him, any old traumas or regrets you have kept or never expressed.Likewise, after you've written your feelings, write his reaction, whatever comes to mind.Continue this conversation until you really feel like you have nothing more to keep. As you prepare to end the conversation, ask yourself deeply if you can now let go of the past wholeheartedly, and if you are satisfied with the wisdom and healing that this paper conversation has given you, let you forgive him, or he forgive you.When you feel like you've done it, remember to express any love or gratitude you may have been holding back, and say goodbye.Visualize him leaving now; even if you have to let go of him, remember that you can always keep his love and fondest memories of the past in your heart. To reconcile past difficulties more clearly, find a friend and read your paper conversation to him or read aloud yourself at home.After you read these conversations aloud, you will be amazed to notice the change in yourself, as if you have actually communicated with the other person, and you have actually solved all the problems with him.Then, you will find it easier to let go and discuss your difficulties directly with the other person.When you have really let go, the relationship between you and him will undergo subtle changes, and the long-standing tension will often dissolve from then on.Sometimes, more amazingly, you even become best friends.Never forget that the famous Tibetan master Tsongkhapa once said: "Friends become enemies, and enemies become friends." say goodbye: It's not just the tension that you have to learn to let go of, it's the dying person as well.If you cling to the dying person, you're giving him a whole lot of unnecessary headaches, making it hard for him to let go and die peacefully. Sometimes, dying people live months or weeks longer than doctors had predicted and experience profound physical pain.Long Yage found that for such a person to let go and die peacefully, he must hear two clear verbal assurances from his loved ones.First, allow him to die.Second, to ensure that after his death, he will live well and there is no need to worry about him. When people ask me how to allow someone to die, I tell them to imagine sitting on the edge of their loved one's bedside and saying in the deepest, most sincere soft voice, "I'm right here for you, I love you. You are going to pass away, death is a normal thing. I hope you can stay with me, but I don't want you to suffer any more. The time we have been together is enough, and I will cherish it forever. Please stop clinging to life now, Let go, I allow you to die in all sincerity. You are not alone, now and forever. You have all my love." A student who worked in a hospice told me about Maggie, an elderly Scots woman, who came to the hospital when her husband was unconscious and nearly dead.Maggie was heartbroken because she never shared her love for her husband and never got a chance to say goodbye, she felt it was too late, and the hospital worker encouraged her that while the patient seemed unresponsive, he might be ok Hear her talk.My students have read articles about the fact that many people are unconscious but still conscious.She encouraged Maggie to spend some time with her husband and tell him what was on his mind.It didn't occur to Margie to do this, but she took the advice anyway and told her husband all the good memories they had together, how much she missed him and how much she loved him.Finally, she said goodbye to her husband: "I will be very sad without you, but I don't want to see you continue to suffer, so you should let go." After saying this, her husband let out a long sigh, peacefully passed away. Not only the dying person himself, but also his family, should learn how to let go.One achievement of the hospice movement: helping families deal with grief and insecurities about the future.Some families refuse their loved ones to leave, seeing it as an act of betrayal or a sign that they are not loved.Long Yage advised these families to imagine that they were in the place of the dying; "Imagine you are standing on the deck of a cruise ship that is about to set sail. Looking back on the shore, you find all your relatives and friends are waving goodbye to you; the ship has passed away. Off shore, you have no choice but to leave. How would you like your loved ones to say goodbye? How would it be most helpful to you on your journey?" Simple visualizations like this can go a long way in helping every family member overcome the grief of saying goodbye. Sometimes people ask me, "How should I talk to my kids about the death of a loved one?" I tell them they have to be sensitive, but tell the truth.Don't let children think death is strange or scary.Involve the child in the dying person's life as much as possible and answer honestly any questions he may have.The innocence of a child can bring sweetness, lightness, and even humor to the pain of death.Encourage your child to pray for the dying and make him feel like he can actually help.After a death, remember to give special care and affection to the child. To a peaceful death: When I recall the deaths I have seen in Tibet, I feel deeply that many people died in a peaceful and harmonious environment.This kind of environment is often lacking in the West, but my personal experience in the past two decades has shown that as long as there is imagination, it can still be created.I feel that, where possible, people should die at home because home is where most people feel most comfortable.The peaceful death advocated by Buddhist masters is easiest to achieve in a familiar environment.But if someone has to die in the hospital, there are ways, loved ones of you who have died, to make death something simple and enlightening.Bring potted plants, flowers, photographs, pictures of family and friends, drawings of sons and grandchildren, cassette players and music cassettes, and, if possible, home-cooked meals.You can even ask the hospital to allow children to visit, or to allow relatives and friends to stay overnight in the ward. If the dying person is a Buddhist or follower of another religion, friends can set up a small shrine in the room to enshrine icons.I remember one of my students named Rainer who died in a single room in a Munich hospital.Friends set up a small Buddhist hall in his room and enshrined the photo of his master.I was very moved after watching it, and I understand how much this atmosphere helped him.Bardo teachings tell us that when a person is dying, a shrine and offerings should be made for him.Seeing Reiner's reverence and peace of mind taught me how powerful this practice can be, inspiring people to make death a sacred process. When a person is very close to death, I suggest that you ask the hospital staff to disturb him less, and at the same time not to do tests.I am often asked about my thoughts on dying in the ICU.I must say that in the intensive care unit, it is very difficult to die peacefully, and there is no way to do any spiritual practice at the end of the day.Because here, the dying person has no privacy at all: monitors are attached to him, and when he stops breathing or his heartbeat, medical staff will use artificial cardiopulmonary resuscitator to rescue him.After death, there is no opportunity to leave the body undisturbed for a period of time as taught by the masters. If possible, the doctor should be told to get the consent of the dying person to put him in a single room and remove all monitors when the patient is unable to recover.Make sure that the medical staff understand and respect the wishes of the dying person, especially if he does not want to be resuscitated; also make sure that the medical staff will not interfere with the person after death, as long as possible.Of course, in a modern hospital it is impossible to keep the body alive for three days, as is customary in Tibet, but the deceased should be given as much peace and serenity as possible to help them start their journey after death. When a person is indeed in the final stages of death, you also make sure to stop all injections and invasive treatments.These can cause anger, irritation, and pain, because, as I will detail later, it is absolutely important that the dying person's mind be as peaceful as possible before death. Most died in a coma.We learn from near-death experiences that comatose and dying patients may be more aware of their surroundings than we realize.Many people who have had near-death experiences speak of out-of-body experiences, being able to describe their surroundings in detail, and even knowing what was going on in other wards.This clearly shows how important it is to continually and positively speak to the dying or unconscious person.To express clear, positive, warm concern for the dying person until the last moments of his life and even after death. My hope in this book is that physicians around the world will be very serious about allowing the dying to die in peace and serenity.I would like to appeal to the medical profession to use their good intentions to try to make the very difficult process of dying as easy, painless and peaceful as possible.A peaceful death is indeed an important human right, perhaps even more important than the right to vote or fairness; all religious traditions tell us that the spiritual future and well-being of the dying depend greatly on this right. There is no generosity greater than helping a person die well.