Chapter 13 Chapter 12 Love

One of the main causes of lack of enthusiasm is feeling unloved, and conversely, the feeling of being loved raises enthusiasm more than anything else.There are many reasons for a person to feel unloved.He may think that he is a horrible person that no one will like; he may have had to get used to being less loved than other children from childhood;But in this last case the cause may well have been a lack of self-confidence caused by early misfortune.People who feel unloved act differently because of it.In order to win the love of others, he may spare no effort to make all kinds of unexpected kisses.In this case he probably will not succeed, since the motives of such a personal act are easy to see through, and it is human nature to give love to those who require the least of it.Therefore, the person who tries to chase love through acts of benevolence ends up being disillusioned by the ingratitude of people.He never thought that the value of the love he was trying to buy was far greater than the material favors he gave, because in fact the prices of the two were not equal, and he used this illusion as the basis for his actions.Another man, who also finds himself unpopular, may take revenge on the world, by fomenting wars and revolutions, or by wielding a sharp pen, like Swift.It is a heroic counter to doom, a character so strong that it can turn against the whole world.Very few people have such a strong ability.The overwhelming majority of men and women, if they feel unloved, can only sink into timid disappointment, sighing only in occasional glimpses of envy and resentment, and their lives become extreme. Selfishness, lack of love makes them lack a sense of security, and they instinctively avoid this feeling, resulting in them letting their habits control their lives.For those who make themselves slaves to the monotony of life, much of their behavior is motivated by fear of the harsh outer world, thinking that if they follow the path they have already traveled, they will avoid running into this world.

Those who face life with a sense of security are much happier than those who live with a sense of insecurity, provided that this sense of security does not bring them disaster.In most, though not all, situations, security itself helps one escape danger that another may succumb to.If you want to walk across a narrow board, and there is an abyss underneath, if you are afraid at this time, you will be more likely to stumble than when you are not afraid.The same goes for the way of life.A man who is fearless may of course encounter sudden disasters, but after a hard struggle he may be safe and unscathed, while another may secretly mourn among the thorns.It goes without saying that this wholesome self-confidence takes countless forms, from the confidence of the mountains to the contempt of the sea to the freedom of soaring in the blue sky.The general confidence in life, however, comes more from the habit of receiving as much love as one needs.It is this mental habit that is the source of enthusiasm that I intend to discuss in this chapter.

It is love that receives, not love that gives, that creates this sense of security—although it comes primarily from mutual love.Strictly speaking, not only love but also adoration has the same effect.Those who practice professions that guarantee admiration in themselves, actors, clergymen, orators, and politicians, are increasingly dependent on the acclaim of others.When they get their share of praise from the public, they live with zest, otherwise, they feel unhappy.Even in a corner alone, self-enclosed.The enthusiasm of the masses is to them what the generosity of a few is to others.Parents love children, and children accept their love as a law of nature.While this love is vital to the child's happiness, he doesn't value it.He imagined the great world, the adventures of his journey, the adventures he would encounter when he grew up.Yet behind all this attention, there is always a sense that parents will do their best to protect him when disaster strikes.For whatever reason, a child who lacks parental love is likely to be timid and unadventurous, always afraid to explore the outer world with cheerfulness.Such a child may, at an astonishingly young age, meditate on questions of life and death, the fate of humanity, and so on.He becomes withdrawn and melancholy, so that at last he seeks false solace in a philosophy or theology.The world is a chaotic place, containing both pleasant things and many unpleasant things that come from chance.The desire to try to sketch out a rational framework or model for it is fundamentally the result of a fear, actually a kind of agoraphobia or fear of the open space, in the walled study , timid students feel safe.If he can convince himself that the outside world is equally safe, he will feel solid and safe when he has to go out into the street.And if he had been more loved before, he wouldn't be as afraid of the outside world as he is now, and wouldn't have to create an ideal world that only existed in his beliefs.

However, not all loves have this adventurous promoting effect.The love that is given must itself be strong and not cowardly, wishing for superiority more than safety, though by no means total disregard for safety.A timid mother or nurse who always warns her children against misfortunes, who always thinks that all dogs bite and all cows are bulls.Doing so would inspire the same timidity in the children as she had in herself, and would make them feel that they would not be safe unless she was near her.To an overly possessive mother, this feeling may be pleasing to her child, who wants her child to be dependent rather than self-reliant.In this case, her child will be worse and worse in the later years than he will end up with no love at all.Mental habits formed early on tend to carry over to the end of life.When many people are in love, they start looking for a place away from the hustle and bustle, where they are confident that others will envy and praise them, but in fact they are not cute and have nothing to praise.For many men, home is a sanctuary from reality: it is there that they are free from all fears and timidities, and enjoy family happiness. What can be obtained from the body, but when the wife treats them as big children; they will be inexplicably surprised.

It is not easy to define the most perfect love, because it obviously includes some protective elements.We are not indifferent to the harm of those we love.I think, however, that the apprehension of misfortune should play as little part in love as the sympathy of misfortune.Worrying about others is only marginally more important than worrying about ourselves, and that worrying is nothing more than a cover for possessiveness.By stimulating others to worry about themselves, people hope to gain more complete control over themselves.Of course, this is one of the reasons why men like timid women, because by protecting them they own them.The amount of anxiety that needs to be expressed without harming the beneficiary depends on the character of the victim: a strong and adventurous person can tolerate a lot of care without being hurt, whereas a cowardly person should Let him not expect such care.

Receiving love has two functions, of which we have so far only spoken of security, but in adult life there is also a more essential biological love, parenthood.Failure to stimulate erotic love is a very unfortunate misfortune for any man or woman, since it deprives him or her of the greatest pleasures that life has to offer.Sooner or later this deprivation dampens their enthusiasm and creates an introversion of character.But very often, character defects caused by misfortune in childhood often become the cause of failed courtship later.This is more true for men than for women, because women, on the whole, tend to adore a man's character, while men aspire to a woman's appearance.In this respect we are compelled to admit that men are inferior to women, because, on the whole, the qualities that men find lovable in women are far less desirable than the qualities that women find lovable in men.I'm not sure, though, that it's easier to get a perfect personality than a good look.But in any case, women know better and are more willing to follow the steps necessary to achieve good looks, while men are not as familiar with the steps to perfect character as women.

We have thus far dealt with love which is a human object, and I would now like to speak of that love which is giving.It is also of two kinds, one is perhaps the most important expression of zest for life; the other is the expression of fear.The former seems to me commendable, while the latter is at best a placebo.If you sail along a picturesque embankment on a clear day, you will admire the embankment and be enchanted by it.This intoxication is a purely external pleasure which has nothing to do with any craving of your own.If, on the other hand, your ship is wrecked and you swim desperately to the bank, then you have a new love for it: it means safety in the waves, and beauty and ugliness become irrelevant.The love that is better for the feelings of the shipwrecked is worse for the feelings of the shipwrecked.The first kind of love is only possible when a person is safe, or at any rate, blind to the dangers that beset him. On the contrary, the latter kind of love is more subjective and selfish than love in other 'situations, because being loved The value of the old then lies only in the aid it provides, not in its intrinsic qualities.But I do not think that this kind of love has no legitimate place in the Lord's life. In fact, almost all real love is a mixture of the above two, and as long as this kind of love does eliminate insecurity, it will make people To be interested in the world again, an interest that gets buried when danger looms and fear breeds.Yet, while acknowledging the place of this love in life, we must insist that it is far inferior to the first, both because it is based on a diabolical sense of fear and because it is more selfish.Bathed in perfect love, one should look forward to new joys, not to escape old misfortunes.

Perfect love gives vitality to each other; in love, everyone accepts love happily and gives love naturally; because of the existence of this mutual happiness, everyone feels that the world is full of joy.But in a kind of love that is not uncommon, one absorbs the essence of another's life, accepting an offering of love from another and receiving nothing in return.There are some very vital beings of this type, who wring the life out of one victim after another, and make themselves strong and triumphant, while those they depend on grow thinner, weaker, and duller.Such people see others as means to their own ends, never seeing them as ends in themselves.At some point, perhaps, they think they love those people, but fundamentally they are not interested in them, but in the perhaps impersonal stimuli that motivate their activity.It goes without saying that this is due to some defect in their nature.But it is not easy to diagnose or treat it.This is usually a trait that goes along with great ambition.This characteristic, I think, stems from a very one-sided view of what makes a person happy.Love that genuinely cares for each other is one of the most important ingredients of true happiness, not only as a means of mutual happiness, but also as a juncture of mutual happiness.A person, no matter how successful he may be in his career, if he closes himself in an iron wall and cannot expand this caring love for each other, then he loses the greatest joy in life.The idea of ​​excluding love from oneself is generally the result of some kind of anger or hatred of mankind, which has been caused by nothing more than misfortune in youth or injustice in adult life, Or any other factor that leads to persecution mania.An inflated ego is like a prison from which you must escape if you are to enjoy life to the fullest.Having true love is one of the hallmarks of being free from the walls of our ego.It is not enough to just accept the love of others, one should also release the received love and give love to others.Only when the two are equal can love function at its best.

Any hindrance, whether psychological or social, to the development of mutual love is extremely evil.The world has suffered and is suffering from this hindrance.People delay in expressing admiration for fear of misplaced it;Prudence, in the name of morality, or of common wisdom, prevails in the world, so that where love is attended to, generosity and adventure thrive.All of this can easily lead to cowardice or hatred of human beings, because many people live their whole lives without knowing what their real and fundamental needs are, and nine times out of ten they have lost the joy and broad-mindedness to deal with human beings. Indispensable condition of the world.Readers, do not think that the immoral are better than the moral in this respect.In sexual relations there is seldom anything that can be called true love; often enough there is a fundamental hostility in it.He or she, each hiding his or her secrets, is trying to preserve the essential solitude and distance from each other, so that the sexual relationship is a fruitless tree.In this life, everything is meaningless.I am not saying that sexual relations should be carefully avoided, because in the necessary steps to that end there may be an opportunity for a more worthy and deeper love.But I do think that only the sexual relationship that is unreserved and the personalities of both parties are sublimated together has real value.Of all cautions, over-cautious love is perhaps the greatest enemy of true happiness.