Chapter 55 five five regrets

Regret is to act wrong, to feel insulted.In life, as long as you don't die young, this kind of feeling is always inevitable.To say this is to admit that mistakes are inevitable.Some people don't admit it, or they use dichotomy to accuse others of making mistakes, but they themselves never make mistakes. Is this the case?It may be just the opposite. It is a mistake and dare not admit it. Compared with others, there is at least one more mistake. In this respect, Liu Bang, who will soon win the world, is better. He said to his son Liu Ying in his later years, "Remembering the past Much of what you do is wrong."It's a pity that, as the saying goes, it's too late to regret, what's the use of cooking raw rice?Useless, theoretically, maybe it can be avoided, but the fact is that it cannot be avoided, so dealing with regrets has become a small problem worth noting.

Regret comes from mistakes, and it starts with mistakes.According to common sense, whether a certain action is considered a mistake should be determined by calculating the gains and losses.This is sometimes easy, such as in business, year-end settlement, losing money is a mistake, making money is not a mistake.Sometimes it is not so easy. For example, the road of life is still a few of scholars, farmers, businessmen, young people, or by chance or choice, take the path of scholars, and have achievements, such as earning a professor's hat, but the salary is low.The economic situation is far worse than that of industry and commerce. Is it a mistake?It seems impossible to draw an unquestionable conclusion simply by calculating the gains and losses, because it is very likely that A says it is a gain and B says it is a loss.It can be seen that the judgment of the gains and losses of a certain matter requires a more far-reaching standard than gains and losses.But when it comes to standards, the problem is complicated. Just talking about superficial phenomena, it is possible that there is a principle of public and public, and the principle of women and women.Once the river is clear, how much life can be lived!So, at least here, we have to settle for idealism, saying that the so-called mistakes, just like the mood of regret, come from subjective cognition, or even subjective feeling.In this way, for example, if A and B experience the same thing, A thinks it is good, and B thinks it is wrong, who do we believe?I had no choice but to believe it.Another example is that when A experiences a certain event, he thinks it is a failure, while B looks on and thinks it is a success, who do we trust?I had no choice but to write a letter.

In a person's life, he experiences many things, big and small.The big ones have a big impact and deep feelings; the small ones are the opposite.Feeling wrong, and regretting it, is usually a big one; trivial things, so indifferent, usually don't take to heart.In my mind, subjective impression, there are gains and losses, what is the ratio of gains and losses?Hard to say.One of the reasons is that people have different experiences, and their gains and losses will naturally be different.The second reason is that people have different personalities. Some people, such as Wang Xianzhi, had a good opportunity, but admitted that they had made a mistake and divorced the Du family. Emperor Wu of Liang was different. In other words, self-lost, expressing no remorse.Speaking of ordinary people, they seem to feel that there are many mistakes, and even as Lu Fangweng sighed, "wrong, wrong, wrong", why is this so?My thinking is because I look at the previous reality with the eyes of the later ideal, and the meaning is that if it is not that, but this, it will be fine.But overwhelmed water is hard to recover, and time cannot be turned back. Therefore, if the matter is more important, you will, often in your heart, say, it is too late to regret.Regret, you can't avoid worry, it's too late, let alone worry, how should you treat it?

Things are different, there will always be some people who look back and feel gratified.This kind of thing is outside of this topic and can be ignored.Just talking about the opposite is generally unsatisfactory.It is also necessary to eliminate some, or many, which are destined by chance and cannot be done by oneself.Just to mention the big ones, one is the region, if you are not born in Suzhou and Hangzhou, you are born in Mobei; Born in a poor family, the fourth is aptitude. If you are neither smart nor beautiful, this will make you unhappy, and you will feel unsatisfactory.What can I do if I don't like it, I can only accept it, and there is no remorse.Regret is something that I imagined after the fact, and I might not have done it.Can be divided into two categories.One category is that there will be mistakes that were not expected in advance.A typical example is when a lover becomes a family member. When they decide to become a family member, they all think that they must be happy and will never turn against each other. But in reality, some people actually turn against each other.This can lead to feelings of remorse, because things always backfire.The other type is to think that there will be in advance, or even confirm that there will be mistakes.These are almost all so-called bad things recognized by common sense, such as gambling and stealing.The nature of the two types is different, and the degree of regret will also be different. The unexpected ones are always lighter, and the intentional ones are always heavier.As far as the general situation is concerned, the lack of meaning is not enough for training, or it is not worth discussing.Therefore, the following discussion is limited to accidents, that is, beforehand, I felt that it was logical to do so, during which there may be unexpected changes, or there is no change at all, and when things have changed, looking back, compared with a possible situation imagined, I was wrong again. Therefore, strong or weak feelings of remorse cannot be avoided.

How do you view this mood, or this inevitable situation in life?My thoughts and corresponding attitudes, from strict to lenient, seem to be found in three types.One is to hate iron but not steel.Life is only once, so we should strive for more right and less wrong, more gain and less loss. Regret comes from mistakes. It is a big loss and a big regret. Although it is irreversible, it should be regarded as a part of the journey of life. Big scars.The second is to do nothing without gaining wisdom.This is a borrowed saying, "Don't be afraid to change your mistakes", and "The lessons from Yin are not far away, in the world after Xia".Treat mistakes as lessons learned, and have a positive or optimistic attitude. Believe that the past can be learned from the past, then mistakes can be turned into gains, and disasters can be turned into blessings, that is, let go of the past, and only hope that there will be no more mistakes in the future.There is no longer any reduction to extinction, is it possible?According to the above, looking at the past from the present is to look at the previous reality with the eyes of later ideals, and always see the shortcomings. This is impossible; let alone take divorce and reunion as an example.For example, the previous mistake was to focus more on ability and less on character, but later it changed to focus more on character and less on ability, and it may become another kind of mistake, which is even more impossible.If this is the case, then mistakes become destiny, and does regret also become redundant?This transitions to the third, lenient attitude, peace of mind.It can also be divided into two types: superficial and deep. Superficial is not seeking perfection and blame, and deep is regarded as indifferent.Let me start by saying no blame.This is based on the understanding of the nature of "destiny". People are born with a variety of desires, and their ability is limited. This ability refers to controlling what is inside the body, controlling what is outside the body, and predicting the future. It is like a blind man riding a blind horse. There is almost no possibility of not falling. Since fate is inevitable, people have to accept the reality, so they have no choice but to "take it as fate". This is due to the pursuit of the ultimate meaning of life and cannot be obtained. If the ultimate meaning cannot be found, what is a definite yes, what is a definite no, what is a definite gain, and what is a definite loss. It can be seen as silly. Looking at right and wrong and gains and losses in this way is what is said in Liezi? , so you won’t feel remorse because you feel you made a mistake. But you will still make mistakes, or your reasoning can’t be thoughtful. Just like ordinary people, you also eat men and women, daily necessities, rice, oil and salt.

Ordinary people's way of life is to feel that it is interesting to be busy like managing the family and running the country, and idle like fishing and raising birds.Feeling interesting means that there is a trade-off for everything; the trade-off comes from admitting that there are gains and losses.This opens the door to remorse, because in a hundred years of life, there is no limit to what to do, and it is not always possible to gain without losing.Regret will have the good fruit of innocence and wisdom. Here we only say that this kind of mood is bitter. Apart from passive resignation, is there any other way to make it intolerable?I once wrote an article titled "Wrong Wrong Wrong", which talked about the unavoidable situation of continuous mistakes and a new way to deal with regret and guilt. Not without reference value, if you don’t want to start anew, copy some relevant words below.

If one's career can be expressed in both thinking (or biased towards thinking) and emotion (or biased towards emotion), the mistakes in thinking are far less than those in emotion.The reason is that, from a psychological point of view, if thinking is the main thing, there will be more doubts than beliefs, and if emotion is the main thing, there will be more beliefs than doubts. ... Believe it or not, it comes from hope and fantasy, so sometimes, even often, there will be castles in the air.Naturally, castles in the air cannot be lived, so what was thought to be thick became light, what was thought to be near was far away, what was thought to be unswerving until death turned out to be a flash in the pan, in short, it became a mistake.How to deal with it?Is remorse plus shame enough?I don't think so.The reasons are profound.There is a difference in depth and degree.One level is shallower, that is, it is difficult to turn the secrets of the heavens into deep secrets, so we have to settle for "the way of mind".Another level is deeper, just as chaos is also a kind of order, wrong, especially if it is biased towards emotion, it is also a section of the journey into life, or a state of flowing water, so it should also be cherished, let alone life. Just this once.In this way, mistakes of this nature take on a new meaning, and a meaning worth remembering.

I think that if there are at least some mistakes, it’s okay to look at them like this, then regret, at least part of it, can be turned into cherishment and nostalgia, and what is lost becomes a gain. In fact, from a certain point of view, remorse is also an achievement, and the only achievement not far away from Yin Jian is "knowledge of shame".If you make a mistake, you will feel ashamed. It is because your steps are wrong, but your intentions are not bad.Some people (generally high-ranking) don't, but insist that big mistakes are completely correct and proper, then it is really hopeless.