Chapter 53 Returning to the South - Dedicated to Mother's Spirit in Heaven

Last autumn, Ji returned from overseas, stayed for more than a month and left again.He wrote from Shanghai on October 30th: "...I went to my mother's tomb this afternoon, and it was raining heavily. But as soon as I arrived at the tomb, the sun came out immediately. My mother is alive! I took six photos. After taking pictures, It’s raining again. Sister! When I left the country last time, my mother saw me off on the bed and told me, I don’t want to be like this now!…” My least, poor, sea-wandering brother!My "Return to the South" has long been in my heart and on the tip of my pen.Just because I want to hide it from you, lest you get this shocking news and read all the heart-piercing experiences when you are alone overseas and have no one to persuade you.I held back Rulan's tears, and waited until you came back, then walked away from my arms.Before you resume your wandering life, after visiting the grave of your kind relatives for the first time, I will write!Everything is clear in your heart.Everyone looks at each other tremblingly, they have become motherless children, the sea is dry and the rocks are rotten, the compassionate and gentle blessings in the world are not for us!Even if I write all this deeply sad and painful past, how much pain can I add to your hearts? !How much more pain can I add to your hearts? !

Now I might as well untie the bloody end and heal the scars on my heart.I vomited all my efforts and tears, and mourned with you, and then we all wept and wept, and ran towards the difficult future that our mother wanted us to! According to my memory, and referring to Zao's diary, and our correspondence, I kept writing down the most vivid, flexible, and poignant pages.My hand holding the pen, my pen, how can I expect to use it like this one day!How could I have imagined that there would be such a day of use! On the afternoon of December 14th the previous winter, Zao and I returned from the city. There was a telegram from Shanghai on the living room table, and my heart immediately trembled.I hurriedly opened the envelope, and on it was "...Mother Yun, if you decide to come back, it's better to be early." After I finished reading, I raised my head and knew that everything in front of me was dark!

Zao comforted me and said: "It's nothing more than mother missing you and asking you to go back earlier, nothing will happen." I nodded.When I went upstairs to take off my overcoat, I felt shivering all over my body, like a severe cold.Before going downstairs to eat, I called the China Travel Agency to buy a boat ticket.It is said that the boats are very crowded these days, and they have to wait until Shuntian on the 19th to get a space, and it is not good.I said no matter what, I'm going.Even if it's a pigsty or a dog's sin, as long as it can take me across the sea, I will curl up for a few nights - so the ticket is set.

At night, it was like sleeping in an ice cave, and I was always startled.I know that if it weren't for the danger of my mother's illness, my father would never have urged me to go south when the train stopped and the annual leave hadn't arrived.When he drafted this telegram, although there were thousands of considerations to soften the tone of the words, the anxiety and sadness hidden behind him could not be concealed—Zao used endless words to comfort me; saying that the body is important, no matter what , On the road, at home, excessive sorrow and anxiety are harmful to my mother.I knew all this, so I drank my tears and slept peacefully all night.

In the next few days, I spent packing my luggage and cleaning up the remaining procedures.It was very cold those days.Shuofeng was howling, and there was no heating in the building.Zao and I always face each other with forced smiles at night, but the staggering, loneliness, terror, and attachment in our hearts are silent, only the clock and the lamp know! Jie is still in school, preparing for his final exam.Even if we can't hide the news of Nangui from him, when it comes to the speculation of his mother's illness, we are always very optimistic in front of him, so he is still calm.God knows, my younger brothers all trust me beyond reason.He thought that once his sister was gone, his mother's illness would not be a problem.Poor child, blessed ignorant trust!

The express train at 4:25 p.m. on the 18th took me to Tianjin.This is the first time we have been in the same car after our honeymoon. Although we are still sitting next to each other silently, the joys and sorrows in our hearts are very different!Outside the window is the condensed thin snow, the bone-piercing cold wind blows in through the window gap, the slanting sun is gloomy, and I already feel abdominal pain.Fearing that Zao was in a hurry, he refused to speak out, and knew that it would be useless to speak up, so he kept drinking hot tea.I arrived in Tianjin around seven o'clock, and when I got off the platform, I was in so much pain that I couldn't walk anymore.After finally earning my way out of the station, I got in the car and went straight to the National Hotel, where I got a room, and I stayed on the bed the whole time.Zao stood in front of the bed, with infinite panic in his eyes: "Are you sick again?" I groaned and nodded. — I discovered later that the disease was chronic appendicitis.The root cause of this disease has been around for ten years, and it occurs once or twice a year.Each time, the pain pierced my heart, and the pain sometimes lasted for twelve hours.Before the trip, in order to prevent recurrence on the way, I had a careful examination at Xiehe Hospital, but it still couldn't be seen.It wasn't until I came back from Shanghai that I suffered another attack, and the doctor was absolutely sure that I had to operate in Xiehe. This happened in the middle of March of the second year.

The pain of this night intensified every second and minute until three o'clock in the night.In my confusion, I just felt like I was sitting up and down on the bed, vomiting, moaning, and I didn't even know the existence of algae.After midnight, it gradually eased up, and I turned around and smiled wearily at Zao who was sitting on the edge of the bed and patting me.He also forced a smile and shook his head at me not to speak.Slowly took off my coat and covered me tightly with the quilt.I feel as soon as I close my eyes, the spirit flies away! When I woke up, my eyes were filled with tears; the exhaustion after illness, the attachment of parting, the hardship of traveling before me, and the possible horror of returning home, all came to my heart.The algae on the opposite bed are dreaming pitifully tired dreams.After a night of exhaustion, I couldn't bear to wake him up, looking out the window at the dawn in Tianjin, it was still cold and cloudy!I thought about it, and there was no other way but to hand everything over to God!

This morning, we sat leaning against each other again.The boat departed at ten o'clock at night, and Zao could not and did not dare to say anything that would not let me go, so she told me in tears: "You are so sick! I am a poor boy, a hard-hearted husband.I can't accompany you, and I can't prepare a good cabin for you. I will let you go alone at this time! ..." He choked up as he spoke. My heart was even more bitter and bitter. I didn't know what to do, and I didn't have the spirit and strength to comfort him. I could only cry silently. It was Zao who cheered up first and proposed to visit Mrs. Zhou, Mrs. Liang's daughter, at Mr. Liang Ren's house. I reluctantly agreed.Went there and was invited by the couple for lunch.I drank a glass of brandy at dinner and felt better.Mrs. Zhou mentioned to me her return to China last year, Mr. Ren Gong's illness and his death.The sad and sincere words, every sentence made my heart jump with fear, and finally I couldn't sit still, struggled to get up and thanked the master.I sent a telegram announcing my departure to Shanghai, and boarded the Shuncheon boat with Zao at 2:30.

The room is a special official cabin, unexpectedly small!Another big chimney ran through the corner.The upper bunk was already occupied by a Cantonese lady, and the whole room was filled with boxes and baskets.Fortunately, my luggage is simple, only a pair of bedding and a suitcase.Zao made the bed for me, and I curled up and lay down.He too was curled up on the edge of the bed.Outside the door is the sound of laughing and cursing, hawking, shouting, and strife; mixed with the smell of oil, dirt, smoke, salt, and cloudy weather; it is crowded, suffocated, disturbed, and clamoring! , I held my breath and closed my eyes.

Zao's tears fell on my face: "Love, I wish I could go with you! You can't bear this kind of place!" I opened my eyes and held his hand: "It's okay, I was too One of humanity!" Until nine o'clock at night, on the horizontal bed next to Yanlu, another female guest came, bringing a little daughter with her.The room became even more tense and crowded, so I sat up, brushed my hair, and told Zao: "You go, I want to sleep, there is really no room to turn around in this room!" Because in the morning he said he would sit down The third-class car went back to Peiping, and told him again and again: "It's cold, and the third-class car doesn't have a gas stove, so it's better not to sit on it. Share the joys and sorrows with me, and it's not about being emotional!" He agreed to me, and then Squeeze out from the chaos of thousands of voices.

——When I arrived in Shanghai, I got a letter from him saying: "I'm sorry, I took the third-class car after all. Just imagine I watched you go like that. Why should I seek comfort? Even so, I still feel that I have not given up. Your hard work is just in case! One more gratifying thing, I spent the rest of the fare on the old book stalls in the market and bought a few books..." —— During the sea trip these days, only Tang was seen outside the window The shattered ice of Gu, and the torrents of the sea.Inside the window, which is blurred by the steam, only people's vomiting can be heard.In the dining room, the waiter shouted "Dinner!" and the voices of Haike talking about current affairs and spitting.During these more than a hundred hours, I have put my mind and body on the sidelines, neither drinking nor eating, just trying to sleep, and I dare not think about my mother's symptoms.When I can't sleep, I just close my eyes and think about the blue water and deep green bamboo of Mogan Mountain in the West Lake during the summer honeymoon trip, hoping to surpass the hell scene in front of me! On the afternoon of the 22nd, the boat sailed slowly into Wusongkou. I hurriedly got up, combed my hair and dressed, and packed my luggage early.Shanghai is still cloudy!I speculated about the possible situation when I got home for several hours. There was only trembling in my heart, and I could only pray!The wind on the river was blowing rustlingly, and the lights on the top of Wanchuan Tower, like cold stars, reflected on the dark water at dusk, drawing long and trembling lines.At six o'clock in the evening, the boat stopped slowly in Pudong. Disappointed and scared, I traveled alone, this was the first time.These porters and water collectors, I didn't even have the guts to talk to them, so I just closed the door tightly and waited for my family to pick them up.By 7:30, all the guests had dispersed, and even the waiter had to disembark.In desperation, I opened the door and stopped a Chinese travel agency to pick up the passengers, asking him to take care of me across the river. Sitting on the bumpy ferry, under the water shadow and light, I only felt that I passed the tall black ship from time to time, and passed a few white-roofed boats with numbers.In the chilly wind, we stepped onto the Bund on the dripping wet stone steps.The words formed by the electric lights on the advertisements on the top of the street are still chasing and flickering, and the trams are still rumbling to and fro.I have arrived in Shanghai again!In a dizzy state, he boarded the car of the travel agency to carry the suitcases, and arrived at the door of the house through several quick and slow turns. Ringing the bell, Yuan came to open the door.My first sentence was "Is your wife well?" He said, "It's better." I didn't care to say anything else, so I walked upstairs.Father stood by the stairs to meet me.Walking into my mother's room, Hua sat by her mother's bed and saw me stand up.Xiaoju leaned against Hua's knee, looking straight at me with shy watery eyes.I didn't care about hugging her, so I bent down and called out "Mom!" When I saw my mother, I was really sick!The so-called "skinny" person, I only care about it today!Compared to two months ago, she seemed to be twenty years older.The forehead also seems to be black.The breath is so weak that I can't even say a word, I just look at me with sorrowful and joyless eyes... My father told me that the telegram had been received early.Han took Yuan to the pier at 5:00 p.m., but for some reason he didn't follow up.At this time, Xiaoju, in Hua's push-pull, threw herself into my arms and called "Auntie".The little face was much plumper than before. I picked her up and lay down on the mother's quilt together.At this time, my tears could no longer be stopped, and I hurried back to the dining room. Han came back soon, his face was flushed with cold——I just felt that my legs and feet were as cold as ice. ——It is said that they waited until 7 o'clock on the Bund.Impatient, he went to the shipping company to ask, but the people in the company ignored the answer and said, "I don't know where the ship is parked. Maybe it hasn't arrived!" He had to turn back. Everyone at the dinner table was silent.I briefly described the course of this trip, and my father looked at me intently, as if he felt infinitely sorry. Hua told me that she didn't tell her mother until she sent a call to call me. She only said that I wanted to come.Mother was silent, and after a while said: "Poor thing, she might be worried all the time on the boat thinking that she is a motherless child!" After dinner, Hanhua and his wife went back to their room.I sat by my mother's bed with my father.My mother half closed her eyes, and I gently patted her.Father whispered: "What do you think of your mother?" I said nothing, and my father was also silent. After a while, he sighed and said: "I didn't look good either, so I telegraphed you, and I felt so lonely—my heart was broken..." For the next half month, it will be time to serve the sick.Not only can't remember the day, but I can't even tell the difference between day and night!What is connected is the thin sleeping face of the mother lying on her back, the weak voice and haggard smile when she is awake, the gloomy sky outside the window, the coal fire bursting in the fireplace, the ticking clock on the hearth in the desolate and quiet midnight The sound, the gloomy gray of the walls at dawn, the morning fog when the windows are opened in the morning!In the midst of these bitter facts, I am like a helpless orphan, dragging through this thousand flames alone with bare feet! In this daze, I only remember the first few days of Shiji, I went to bed at eight o'clock every night and got up at twelve o'clock until dawn.When I wake up, it's always cold.Han and Hua rubbed their sad and tired eyes, and alternated with me. I stood by the fireplace and dressed, and my mother slowly turned her head and said: "Your clothes are too thin, why don't you wear my black camel's hair robe, so you don't have to worry about it?" Freeze!" I agreed, and she said again: "I saw Zao for the first time last year, and I was still wearing that robe." Every night around four o'clock, she always broke out in a cold sweat, and her forehead became cold when she sweated. At that time, I always had to drink Nanzaobeimai soup, which is said to be antiperspirant and nourishing.Fearing that she would catch cold, I sewed a rectangular piece of white flannelette for her, and wrapped it gently around her forehead.My mother closed her eyes and said with a slight smile, "I'm like Avalokitesvara." I also laughed and said, "I'm also like the Virgin Mary!" Because of the pain in her bones, she was lying on the bed, unable to turn her side.She was so thin that only a handful of bones remained, the mattress was too thin, and the quilt was too heavy.So under the mattress, there are many cotton pillows, eiderdown quilts, etc., and the top is only covered with a thin layer of silk cotton quilt. She was in a half-recumbent and half-lying position with her face on her back, and I spent half a month on my blind date with her.Poor sick mother! In the dead of night, I snuggled up next to her pillow.If she is in good spirits, she will chat with me gracefully, her voice is so soft that it seems to be floating in the sky, in a half-twilight, half-reminiscing expression, I look at her stone-like face, and my emotions and tears are like a tide superior. She talked about her divorce and sweet life after marriage, about the plight of losing her mother when she was young, and finally mentioned her illness.she says: "I have been suffering from a thousand disasters and diseases since I was a child. Your father often said: "The medicines you've taken since you were a child are enough to open a pharmacy. 'I never imagined that I would live to be sixty!When a man and a woman marry, all major events are over.People say, 'There is no filial son in front of a long-term sick bed. I have been ill for five months this time, and you are really exhausted physically and mentally!I have no dissatisfaction with my daughter, son, or daughter-in-law.I just hope that I get well quickly and enjoy your blessings for another two years..." We are exhausted physically and mentally, can we repay mother's kindness in case? Mother's overly loving words make the listener feel so sad that the bone marrow is broken ! As luck would have it, my mother's dying illness was not the bone madness two months ago.But her old ailments "stomachache" and "cough" came back.In addition to eating every half hour, you have to take medicine continuously, such as "stomach live" and "cough pills", and the dosage must be increased each time.We know that these medicines contain a large amount of narcotics, and we always tried our best to prevent her from taking more.A few days later, because of her unbearable pain, and gradually realizing that there was no hope of her illness being cured, she could only grit her teeth, endure her heart, and follow her wishes, slashing down on this strong dose, step by step. Temporarily relieve her distress of sudden attack. Since then, her spirit has become more and more weak, and she is half awake day and night.But because of coughing and stomach pain, she couldn't sleep soundly, so Youhan had to rub her vigorously with her hands, and used semi-hypnotic methods to make her fall asleep.The twenty-fourth night of December is the night of the birth of Christ.I lay beside my mother's bed, in a state of prayer all night long! In a time of exhaustion, the climax of religious devotion flooded my full consciousness.I feel that my heart is full of fragrance, as if I am begging the Holy Mother, who is sympathetic to the deep love of the baby and mother, and grants me considerable comfort.There were cheers and firecrackers on the street that night.I saw the brightly lit Christmas trees of our foreign neighbors through the window, and the children were singing and jumping happily. In the blur of my tears, these were needles of pain! In the middle of the night, my father whispered to me: "I think everything should be prepared for your mother's death. I don't understand the old rules. And I don't think there is a need to follow them blindly. About the burial—do you want to go back to the burial?" Do you want to go to your hometown? The mountains and rivers are separated, and you can’t go back easily. It’s been a long time, and it’s been desolate, isn’t it? But you have to ask your mother about it.” I said, “Father said this, is it true? The best thing is. Originally, these superstitious and taboo methods, we sometimes obeyed them because we couldn’t bear to disobey the old man. Now my father doesn’t care about these things, and my mother is the latest person. Even if all the taboos have consequences, As long as the matter of mother's death can be handled comfortably, and all disasters and five poisons will befall us four sisters and brothers, we are also willing!" ——The next day we entrusted a relative to Wanguo Funeral Parlor to discuss everything.The steel coffin was also chosen by my father and myself.These will be described in detail in the letters I sent Zao and Jie later. ——A few more days passed like this.Sometimes my mother is better, lying down with a smile on her face.Xiaoju crawled to the pillow, held her mother's face and called "Grandma".Hua and I sat in front of the bed and talked about my mother's bone pain in autumn. Sometimes I lay on the bed to rest, and sometimes I sat on the big chair in front of the porch to bask in the sun. There was always a big vase of chrysanthemums on the table next to me. My mother said: "Yes, the flowers look fresher and fresher, and you will never get tired of them. When I am sick, the sun comes in from the window and shines on the flowers, which makes me very happy!" Mother's nature-loving temperament, In the deepest suffering, still do not change.Her bone pain was from fingers to arms, shoulders, and knees, gradually descending, and her whole body was stiff and painful, day and night like being in a shackle, and occasionally turning her side, the pain pierced her heart.If I were her, I would cry, I would scream, I would curse everything, throw everything away.And my most respectable and beloved mother still accepts all kinds of diseases in the same way, and is equally gentle.For children, there is no hasty word; for slaves, they are even more sympathetic and compassionate.For these merciless natures, such as sunshine and flowers, they are also doubly warm and fragrant in the rest of her illness.This is a blessing bestowed by God, only she deserves to accept and enjoy it! We knew that mother would never celebrate the New Year in the old calendar, so we wanted to embellish the New Year in the Gregorian calendar.Woke up early in the morning, first dressed up Xiaoju, put on a red satin padded gown, hugged her to the bed, and said New Year greetings to grandma.There are two plates of Dafu oranges on the table, and the daffodil tubes on the windowsill of the stove are tied up with red paper strips.I bought more than a dozen small red gauze lanterns, and hung them on the corner of the bed, beside the stove, and under the lamp.We also made up a little bit ourselves - I hadn't combed in the mirror for ten days at that time!I think that during the Chinese New Year, we have not made such efforts!At dusk, after I lit and hung up a dozen gauze lamps, my tears, I don't know where they came from, kept flowing! Has anyone experienced this kind of pain?The person you love the most, holding the most distressing disease, will disappear from your wrist and arm in the shortest time; at the same time, you must accompany, watch, listen, watch, Cherishing every minute and every second dreads the time of this presence!This kind of life can make the young grow old and the old die, and those who are in heaven go to hell!There are such painful people in the world, you all have my deepest and deepest sympathy! The tailor came to make a dress for mother's dress.I quietly took him to the third floor.Mother usually refuses to be ambiguous about what to wear.When I am in good times, when I go out, I always compare and compare, look and look, and iron and iron the clothes I want to wear.So this time I gave detailed instructions on the material, color, style, and size of my mother's shroud.Tell him to do the same thing as a good person's clothes, and if it is vague, he will have to redo it.As for the outer robes, hats, socks, gloves, etc., I stole my sleeping time and bought them myself.It was extremely cold in Shanghai that day, and the whole city was like ice.And my heart is ten thousand times more frozen! When he came back, he took off his coat and walked up to his mother.She felt a little better today, and asked me, "Did you get enough sleep?" -Coming.Dad got married on his birthday.Because of my mother's illness, my father once said that we would not celebrate birthdays, but we had to celebrate the 40th anniversary of our parents' marriage.At this time, father, Han, Hua, etc. were all in front of the bed, and everyone was chatting and laughing, and we pretended to be charming and asked about mother's situation when she was a bride.Mother also smiled, her eyes seemed to be shining with the brilliance of youth.She told us about the wedding ceremony, the dowry, and how the wedding day was such a headache.We all laughed.Seeing everyone laughing, Xiaoju, who was crawling on the pillow, also laughed loudly and coquettishly for no reason.At this time, all the sadness in front of me seemed to be forgotten. Warm up my father's birthday the next night.My mother was not well that day, and she said to me, "I'm afraid I won't be cured of this disease. I used to read Tanci, and whenever a person was in danger, he always said, 'Every day the lightness comes and the day gets worse, and every day the disease gets worse. Nine points'. That’s my scene at this time.” We all explained with a smile, saying that it was due to the weather, and it was a bit colder today.Mother is silent.But her cough became more and more difficult, even if she spit out a mouthful of phlegm, someone had to hold her chest hard.The stomach pain also became more severe, and every time the pain started, his complexion changed disastrously. ——In the evening, the children and nephews who paid homage to father's birthday all came.Han and Hua were busy making arrangements downstairs.I still stand by my mother.My mother kept urging me to put my head together, change my clothes, and go downstairs to pay my father's birthday greetings.I agreed with tears in my eyes.After hastily tidying up, I went downstairs, only to see bright red candles on the birthday hall, my father sitting on it, and an empty chair side by side on the right. As soon as I knelt down, the tears suddenly couldn't be stopped. As soon as I turned over, I hurried upstairs. Everyone looked at each other silently. At night, my mother suddenly mentioned to me about her own childhood illness: "You are much more blessed than me. I lost my mother when I was fourteen! Your grandmother was consumptive, and she was bedridden from September 9th that year and didn't get up. When I arrived in Laba, I passed away. Your uncle and I took turns to take care of you when you were sick. I was young at the time, and I only remember that your grandmother died in the middle of the night, and your grandfather asked the old lady to carry me to your uncle and grandmother in the front yard. up. Since then, I have been a motherless child. She sighed, "Laba is almost here again." At that time, I really didn't know what to say. My mother said again: "Jie hasn't come back yet—the fortune teller said that I only have two children to die, and I am satisfied with you and Han here." " Her father also sat on the side, slowly leading her to talk about life and death, and about the cemetery in her hometown.My father said: "What we usually call 'the first mound of death' is actually not..." My mother continued: "In fact, when a person dies, there is only a body left, and it will be the same wherever he throws it. Why must Qianshan If Wanshui is transported back, the children and grandchildren who will live all over the world will not be able to take care of them.” Looking back now, my mother seemed to be vague about her illness at that time, but we had already known it silently. During the time of taking turns to rest, behind our mother's back, we always washed our faces with tears.I know my pillow is always wet.When the time came, I walked up to my mother, smiled forcefully, and said some words of comfort that didn't matter.Han has been a muddled person since he was a child. Usually, when his mother is ill, he will not take care of her.This time he surprised me infinitely!He is as silent as a doctor and considerate as a nanny. I stood by and watched him feed orange juice and massage. He didn't look like a son serving his mother, but like a father caring for his daughter!He often said to me: "Patients are the most pitiful, like children, unable to speak." His eyes turned red as he spoke. How does this make me think of the remaining two younger brothers!Jie went to Tanggu factory for an internship in summer.He didn't see the mother's sickness at all.Ji left in mid-November.Drifting at sea, next year on this day, it may not be possible to come back.For Ji, the mother seemed to know that she would not be able to see him again, so she didn't think much of him.But she often asked Jie: "The annual vacation is coming soon, should he come back?" She always asked three or four times a day, and in the last few days, she said: "He knows I'm sick, so he shouldn't come back early! As a mother It's a matter of life..." I was silent, how could my mother know that poor Jie is still in the dark about her mother's illness! December thirty-first night, New Year's Eve.My mother knew that it was not good, she seemed very anxious, and said to me several times a day: "In the end, I asked a senior doctor to come and see whether it was good or bad, so that everyone could rest assured." In fact, at that time, a doctor always came to see him every day or two.Still giving mending injections and prescribing cough medicines, my mother seemed to be tired of it.We immediately discussed to invite Dr. V, he is the most famous German doctor in Shanghai, and Qiu also saw her for her.At dusk, the doctor came.I took it in, and he still recognized us, nodding and smiling.He listened to her mother's lungs, helped her to lie down slowly, and walked to the table.I asked tremblingly, "How is it?" He looked back at his mother, "Does the patient understand English?" I shook my head, my heart was broken at that time!He whispered: "There is no hope, now I just want her to spend the last few days peacefully!" It was originally a very clear thing in our consciousness, but once the doctor said it, it seemed that the whole curtain was revealed.A tragic phenomenon jumped out!After sending the doctor away, Hua and I both cried in the corridor, but quickly persuaded each other: "Don't make your eyes turn red from crying. Mother will see it later, and it will make her afraid and sad again." We wiped our tears and straightened our smiles. , went into the house, went to my mother's bedside and said: "The doctor said it's all right, as long as you can rest at ease, eat more, and become more energetic, you will gradually recover." Mother nodded.We also said: "Tonight is New Year's Eve. Tomorrow will be the New Year's Eve. Let's watch the New Year's Eve." Appreciating life is an easy task?I once said all kinds of ignorant, foolish, and arrogant words. I said: "I would like to taste all the fun in life, and I would like to taste all the fun in life." Needle felt, use flesh and blood to taste it over and over again, let it hit the nail on the head." He also said: "When the joys and sorrows are not exhausted, the mystery and greatness of life cannot be seen." In fact, the so-called " Mystery" and "greatness" are all the words of the ideals of those who have never experienced it, and the words of self-deception and ridicule by those who have experienced it! I would rather be a numb, idiot, and muddle-headed person, living in an environment of comfort, cowardice, and dependence all my life.I don't want to know the mystery, and I don't need to seek greatness! Having said that, life is approaching like a storm.Apart from bowing your head and closing your eyes and trembling, there is no other way. When the rain is over and the sky is clear, it is another world.On the ground there are only decayed grass, only fallen leaves, only the withered body and soul of the wind and rain.The rich spring scenery just now has become a world away!Then you will be amazed!What kind of merit did you have, and you were able to enjoy all kinds of happy, carefree, ignorant and carefree lives in the past! I don't want to appreciate life anymore, and I don't even appreciate life after January 1, nineteen years!That kind of miserable life with a smile on my face once crushed me into fine dust and twisted me into juice.If I can do anything, I should cut off my love and love from now on, so as not to live this kind of life and suffer from this kind of distress again!But who knows! January 3rd is my father's birthday.In the morning, I went to the market by myself and bought some snacks, such as pineapple, dim sum, smoked fish, roast duck and so on.Because we know that tonight's feast is only for the mother alone.Eating the whole table is to make her tired.At night, we lighted the red lights together; set up a small round table in front of her bed; the table was full of small plates and plates; the whole family sat down.He pushed his father to sit next to his mother, and said with a smile, "Here comes the groom." The father smiled, and the mother laughed too!She only tasted a little food, then shook her head and said, "Go away, you go to the front room and eat to your heart's content, let me have a rest." We left our father behind, and went to the front to have a meal in a hurry.When I came back, I saw my father leaning on the pillow, and my mother seemed to have fallen asleep humbly.My father's eyes were full of tears!I know he feels that forty years of springtime is too much to look back on! It went on like this for two nights.The pain of the mother has increased infinitely.The lungs are frantic, no matter how cold it is, the quilt will always fall under the chest; the flames of the fire will never shine on the face (this always reminds me of the "phlegm burns the lungs, see the grains" in "Xiaoqing Biography") And vomit" two words), every time I turn, I can't catch my breath.Everyone's fearful psychology is also infinitely tense.I just remember that I only chanted one prayer day and night, which was: "God accepts this pure soul!" At this time, I didn't want to see my mother prolong the days and months, and I only hoped that she could be liberated peacefully and peacefully. !In the middle of the night, I was still half-kneeling and half-sitting in front of her bed. She looked at me panting and said, "Thank you for your hard work... After my business is over, you can go back to Peiping after a few nights of sleep. Then everything will be over." The mother spoke of the great event so ordinary, so quietly!Every time I think about it, only these few words move my heart the most!At that time, I didn't dare to agree, my throat was already blocked by sobs! Mama Zhang was beside me, comforting me.Mother seemed to be asleep again.Zhang Ma sat on the small stool and talked to me quietly, she said: "My wife is always such a pain in the ass! When I was recuperating in autumn, I always read books all night at night, telling me to just go to sleep.Woke up in the middle of the night and refused to call me.I say: 'Don't struggle yourself like this, it's not fun to fall back. ' She didn't listen either.She could not fall asleep until dawn.It was only when the young mistress came over with Miss Ju in her arms that she woke up again. " When it comes to the books my mother reads, she really reads more than anyone else in our family.From novels, Tanci, to magazines, newspapers, new and old, created and translated, she likes to read them all.When I was in good times, I was either doing work or reading every night, and I didn't go to bed until eleven or twelve o'clock.The morning revival was very early, after grooming and washing, the knife ruler and the book were started again.There are always books in her sewing box.After reading it, she likes to talk with us, and she always surprises us with her new insights.There are many new terms that we heard from her first, such as "general literature" and the like.I often feel ashamed in silence, thinking that we are like a leftover in terms of new ideas, and have become laggards! On the fifth night of January, my father was in front of my mother's bed.I was extremely sleepy, lying on my side on my father's bed and taking a nap, and was awakened by my mother's groans, as if my mother and father were arguing loudly.I got up quickly, only to hear my mother say: "Please do me a favor, and pass me the sleeping pills. I really don't want to delay any longer!"I know her pain has reached the extreme!She told me long ago that when she was suffering from bone pain, she wrote down the name of the sleeping pill and hid it in her bag. When she thought of the extreme pain, she quietly asked someone to buy it and took it all in order to get relief—— At this time, I hurried up to her, persuading and begging her in every possible way.She shook her head and ignored me, just looking at my father. Father stood there for a while, then turned around and took the medicine bottle, poured two pills, and put them in her mouth. She shook her head vigorously, panting, and said, "You really... It's not like you won't see me from now on!" These words were like a stimulant, and my father frowned, and the solemn word made me shudder.He turned around abruptly and put a few more pills in her mouth. I lost my mind and soul, and flew over to grab my father's arm, it was too late!Mother had swallowed the medicine, closed her mouth, lowered her eyes, as if she was going to sleep.Her father sat down slumped, with his head resting on her shoulder, tears streaming down his face like rain.I knelt by the bed, wanting to cry out, holding my father's hand tightly and staring at my mother's sleeping face.There was silence all around, only the sound of the clock ticking.It was three o'clock in the night, and my father and I leaned against each other tremblingly until four o'clock in the morning.Mother's sleeping face was bleak, her breathing gradually became short of breath, and she coughed dryly from time to time, as if she couldn't cough out during the day, her arms were clasped to the air.I hurriedly and quietly woke up Hua and Han, they all started up together, and walked to the bed with sleepy eyes, seeing this scene, they were so anxious that they cried.Hua immediately went to ask a doctor for an antidote, but his father shook his head with tears in his eyes.Han went over to hug her mother and caressed her chest.Hua and I each hold her hand, and we can't stop whispering softly in her ear.The mother hung her head and did not answer as if she had lost consciousness.In this state, it was extended until nine o'clock in the morning.Until Xiaoju woke up, we hugged her and sat on her mother's bed, and taught her to hold her mother's head, shake it and call "grandma" frequently.She called dozens of times, and when she was about to cry, her mother's eyelids moved slightly.We were all pleasantly surprised, gathered around, and gently helped mother up.Mother is still humble, only eyelids move from time to time.In this state, it was extended until four o'clock in the afternoon.During this day, we didn't wash or wash, we didn't eat or drink, we just gathered around the bed, with hearts of fear and hope hanging in the air!这一天比十年还要长，一家里连雀鸟都住了声息！ 四时以后母亲才半睁开眼，长呻了一声，说“我要死了！” 她如同从浓睡中醒来一般，抬眼四下里望着。对于她服安眠药一事，似乎全不知道。我上前抱着母亲，说“母亲睡得好罢？”母亲点点头，说“饿了！”大家赶紧将久炖在炉上的鸡露端来，一匙一匙的送在她嘴里。她喝完了又闭上眼休息着。 我们才欢喜的放下心来，那时才觉得饥饿，便轮流去吃饭。 那夜我倚在母亲枕边，同母亲谈了一夜的话。这便是三十年来末一次的谈话了！我说的话多，母亲大半是听着。那时母亲已经记起了服药的事，我款款的说：“以后无论怎样，不能再起这个服药的念头了！母亲那种咳不出来，两手抓空的光景，别人看着，难过不忍得肝肠都断了。涵弟直哭着说： '可怜母亲不知是要谁？有多少话说不出来！ '连小菊也都急哭了。母亲看……”母亲听着，半晌说：“我自己一点不觉得痛苦，只如同睡了一场大觉。 " 那夜，轻柔得像湖水，隐约得像烟雾。红灯放着温暖的光。父亲倦乏之余，睡得十分甜美。母亲精神似乎又好，又是微笑的圣母般的瘦白的脸。如同母亲死去复生一般，喜乐充满了我的四肢。我说了无数的憨痴的话：我说着我们欢乐的过去，完全的现在，繁衍的将来，在母亲迷糊的想象之中，我建起了七宝庄严之楼阁。母亲喜悦的听着，不时的参加两句。 ... 到此我要时光倒流，我要诅咒一切，一逝不返的天色已渐渐的大明了！ 一月七晨，母亲的痛苦已到了终极了！她厉声的拒绝一切饮食。我们从来不曾看见过母亲这样的声色，觉得又害怕，又胆怯，只好慢慢轻轻的劝说。她总是闭目摇头不理，只说： “放我去罢，叫我多捱这几天痛苦做什么！”父亲惊醒了，起来劝说也无效。大家只能围站在床前，看着她苦痛的颜色，听着她悲惨的呻吟！到了下午，她神志渐渐昏迷，呻吟的声音也渐渐微弱。医生来看过，打了一次安眠止痛的针。又拨开她的眼睑，用手电灯照了照，她的眼光已似乎散了！ 这时我如同痴了似的，一下午只两手抱头，坐在炉前，不言不动，也不到母亲跟前去。 只涵和华两个互相依傍的，战栗的，在床边坐着。涵不住的剥着桔子，放在母亲嘴里，母亲闭着眼都吸咽了下去。到了夜九时，母亲脸色更惨白了。头摇了几摇，呼吸渐渐急促。涵连忙唤着父亲。父亲跪在床前，抱着母亲在腕上。这时我才从炉旁慢慢的回过头来，泪眼模糊里，看见母亲鼻子两边的肌肉，重重的抽缩了几下，便不动了。我突然站起过去，抱住母亲的脸，觉得她鼻尖已经冰凉。涵俯身将他的银表，轻轻的放在母亲鼻上，战兢的拿起一看，表壳上已没有了水气。母亲呼吸已经停止了。他突然回身，两臂抱着头大哭起来。那时正是一月七夜九时四十五分。我们从此是无母之人了，呜呼痛哉！ 关于这以后的事，我在一月十一晨寄给藻和杰的信中，说的很详细，照录如下： 亲爱的杰和藻： 我在再四思维之后，才来和你们报告这极不幸极悲痛的消息。就是我们亲爱的母亲，已于正月七夜与这苦恼的世界长辞了！她并没有多大的痛苦，只如同一架极玲珑的机器，走的日子多了，渐渐停止。她死去时是那样的柔和，那样的安静。那快乐的笑容，使我们竟不敢大声的哭泣，仿佛恐怕惊醒她一般。那时候是夜中九时四十五分。那日是阴历腊八，也正是我们的外祖母，她自己亲爱的母亲，四十六年前高世之日！ 至于身后的事呢，是你们所想不到的那样庄严，清贵，简单。当母亲病重的时候，我们已和上海万国殡仪馆接洽清楚，在那里预备了一具美国的钢棺。外面是银色凸花的，内层有整块的玻璃盖子，白绫捏花的里子。至于衣衾鞋帽一切，都是我去备办的，件数不多，却和生人一般的齐整讲究。 ... 经过是这样：在母亲辞世的第二天早晨，万国殡仪馆便来一辆汽车，如同接送病人的卧车一般，将遗体运到馆中。我们一家子也跟了去。当我们在休息室中等候的时候，他们在楼下用药水灌洗母亲的身体。下午二时已收拾清楚，安放在一间紫色的屋子里，用花圈绕上，旁边点上一对白烛。我们进去时，肃然的连眼泪都没有了！ 堂中庄严，如入寺殿。母亲安稳的仰卧在矮长榻之上，深棕色的锦被之下，脸上似乎由他们略用些美容术，觉得比寻常还好看。我们俯下去偎着母亲的脸，只觉冷彻心腑，如同石膏制成的慈像一般！我们开了门，亲友们上前行礼之后，便轻轻将母亲举起，又安稳装入棺内，放在白绫簇花的枕头上，齐肩罩上一床红缎绣花的被，盖上玻璃盖子。棺前仍旧点着一对高高的白烛。紫绒的桌罩下立着一个银十字架。母亲慈爱纯洁的灵魂，长久依傍在上帝的旁边了！ 五点多钟诸事已毕。计自逝世至入殓，才用十七点钟。一切都静默，都庄严，正合母亲的身分。客人散尽，我们回家来，家里已洒扫清楚。我们穿上灰衫，系上白带，为母亲守孝。 家里也没有灵位。只等母亲放大的相片送来后，便供上鲜花和母亲爱吃的果子，有时也焚上香。此外每天早晨合家都到殡仪馆，围立在棺外，隔着玻璃盖子，瞻仰母亲如睡的慈颜！ 这次办的事，大家亲友都赞成，都艳羡，以为是没有半分糜费。我们想母亲在天之灵一定会喜欢的。异地各戚友都已用电报通知。楫弟那里，因为他远在海外，环境不知怎样，万一他若悲伤过度，无人劝解，可以暂缓告诉。至于杰弟，因为你病，大考又在即，我们想来想去，终以为恐怕这消息是终久瞒不住的，倘然等你回家以后，再突然告诉，恐怕那时突然的悲痛和失望，更是难堪。杰弟又是极懂事极明白的人。你是母亲一块肉，爱惜自己，就是爱母亲。在考试的时候，要镇定，就凡事就序，把书考完再回来，你别忘了你仍旧是能看见母亲的！ 我们因为等你，定二月二日开吊，三日出殡。那万国公墓是在虹桥路。草树葱笼，地方清旷，同公园一般。 上海又是中途，无论我们下南上北，或是到国外去，都是必经之路，可以随时参拜，比回老家去好多了。 藻呢，父亲和我都十二分希望你还能来。母亲病时曾说：“我的女婿，不知我还能见着他否？”你如能来，还可以见一见母亲。父亲又爱你，在悲痛中有你在，是个慰安。不过我顾念到你的经济问题，一切由你自己斟酌。 这事的始末是如此了。涵仍在家里，等出殡后再上南京。我们大概是都上北平去，为的是父亲离我们近些，可以照应。杰弟要办的事很多，千万要爱惜精神，遏抑感情，储蓄力量。 这方是孝。你看我写这信时何等安静，稳定？杰弟是极有主见的人，也当如此，是不是？ 此信请留下，将来寄楫！ 永远爱你们的冰心正月十一晨我这封信虽然写的很镇定，而实际上感情的掀动，并不是如此！一月七夜九时四十五分以后，在茫然昏然之中，涵，华和我都很早就寝，似乎积劳成倦，睡得都很熟。只有父亲和几个表兄弟在守着母亲的遗体。第二天早起，大家乱烘烘的从三层楼上，取下预备好了的白衫，穿罢相顾，不禁失声！ 下得楼来，又看见饭厅桌上，摆着厨师父从早市带来的一筐蜜桔——是我们昨天黄昏，在厨师父回家时，吩咐他买回给母亲吃的。才有多少时候？蜜桔买来，母亲已经去了！ 小菊穿着白衣，系着白带，白鞋白袜，戴着小蓝呢白边帽子，有说不出的飘逸和可爱。 在殡仪馆大家没有工夫顾到她，她自在母亲榻旁，摘着花圈上的花朵玩耍。等到黄昏事毕回来，上了楼，尽了梯级，正在大家彷徨无主，不知往哪里走，不知说什么好的时候，她忽然大哭说：“找奶奶，找奶奶。奶奶哪里去了？怎么不回来了！”抱着她的张妈，忍不住先哭了，我们都不由自主的号啕大哭起来。 吃过晚饭，父亲很早就睡下了。涵，华和我在父亲床前炉边，默然的对坐。只见炉台上时钟的长针，在凄清的滴答声中，徐徐移动。在这针徐徐的将指到九点四十分的时候，涵突然站起，将钟摆停了，说“姊姊，我们睡罢！”他头也不回，便走了出去。华和我望着他的背影，又不禁滚下泪来。九时四十五分！又岂只是他一个人，不忍再看见这炉台上的钟，再走到九时四十五分！ 天未明我就忽然醒了，听见父亲在床上转侧。从前窗下母亲的床位，今天从那里透进微明来，那个床没有了，这屋里是无边的空虚，空虚，千愁万绪，都从晓枕上提起。思前想后，似乎世界上一切都临到尽头了！ 在那几天内，除了几封报丧的信之外，关于母亲，我并没有写下半个字。虽然有人劝我写哀启，我以为不但是“语无伦次”之中，不能写出什么来，而且“先慈体素弱”一类的文字，又岂能表现母亲的人格于万一？母亲的聪明正直，慈爱温柔，从她做孙女儿起，至做祖母止，在她四围的人对她的疼怜，眷恋，爱戴，这些情感，在我知识内外的，在人人心中都是篇篇不同的文字了。受过母亲调理，栽培的兄姊弟侄，个个都能写出一篇最真挚最沉痛的哀启。我又何必来敷衍一段，使他们看了觉得不完全不满意的东西？ 虽然没有写哀启，我却在父亲下泪搁笔之后，替他凑成一副挽联。我觉得那却是字字真诚，能表现那时一家的情感！ 联语是： 死别生离，儿辈伤心失慈母。 晚近方知我老，四十载春光顿歇，那忍看稚孙弱媳，承欢强笑，举家和泪过新年。 在那几天内，除了每天清晨，一家子从寓所走到殡仪馆参谒母亲的遗容之外，我们都不出门。从殡仪馆归来，照例是阴天。进了屋子，刚擦过的地板，刚旺上来的炉火——脱了外面的衣服，在炉边一坐，大家都觉得此心茫茫然无处安放！我那几天的日课，是早晨看书，做活计。下午多有戚友来看，谈些时事，一天也就过去。到了夜里，不是呆坐，就是写信。 夜中的心情，现在追忆已模糊了，为写这篇文章，检出旧信，觉得还可以寻迹： 藻： 真想不到现在才能给你写这封长信。藻，我从此是没有娘的孩子了！这十几天的辛苦，失眠，落到这么一个结果。我的悲痛，我的伤心，岂是千言万语所说得尽？ 前日打起精神，给你和杰弟写那一封慰函，也算是肝肠寸断。……这两天家中倒是很安静，可是更显出无边的空虚，孤寂。我在父亲屋中，和他作伴。白天也不敢睡，怕他因寂寞而伤心，其实我躺下也睡不着。中夜惊醒，尤为难过，……——摘录一月十三信母亲死后的光阴真非人过的！就拿今晚来说，父亲出门访友去了；涵和华在他们屋里；我自己孤零零的坐在母亲屋内。四周只有悲哀，只有寂寞，只有凄凉。连炉炭爆发的声音，都予我以辛酸的联忆。这种一人独在的时光，我已过了好几次了，我真怕，彻骨的怕，怎么好？ 因着母亲之死，我始惊觉于人生之极短。生前如不把温柔尝尽，死后就无从追讨了。我对于生命的前途，并没有一点别的愿望，只愿我能在一切的爱中陶醉，沉没。 这情爱之杯，我要满满的斟，满满的饮。人生何等的短促，何等的无定，何等的虚空呵！ 千言万语仍回到一句话来，人生本质是痛苦，痛苦之源，乃是爱情过重。但是我们仍不能不饮鸩止渴，仍从生痛苦之爱情中求慰安。何等的痴愚呵，何等的矛盾呵！ 写信的地方，正是母亲生前安床之处。我愈写愈难过了，愈写愈糊涂了。若再写下去，我连气息也要窒住了！——摘录一月十八夜信一月二十六夜，因为杰弟明天到家，我时时惊跃，终夜不寐，想到这可怜的孩子，在风雪中归来，这一路哀思痛哭的光景，使我在想象中，心胆俱碎！二十七日下午，报告船到。 涵驱车往接，我们提心吊胆的坐候着，将近黄昏，听得门外车响，大家都突然失色。华一转身便走回她屋里。接着楼梯也响着。涵先上来，一低头连忙走入他屋里去了。后面是杰，笑容满面，脱下帽子在手里，奔了进来。一声叫“妈”，我迎着他，忍不住哭了起来，。他突然站住呆住了！那时惊痛骇疾的惨状，我这时追思，一枝秃笔，真不能描写于万一！雷掣电挈一般，他垂下头便倒在地上，双手抱住父亲的腿，猛咽得闭过气去。缓了一缓，他才哭喊了出来，说：你们为什么不早告诉我！你们为什么不早告诉我！”这时一片哭声之中涵和华也从他们屋里哭着过来。父亲拉着杰，泪流满面。婢仆们渐渐进来，慢慢的劝住，大家停了泪。 杰立刻便要到殡仪馆去，看看母亲的遗容。父亲和涵便带了他去。回来问起母亲病中情状，又重新哭泣。在这几天内，杰从满怀的希望与快乐中，骤然下堕。他失魂落魄似的，一天哭好几次。我们只有勉强劝慰。幸而他有主见，在昏迷之中，还能支拄，我才放下了心。 二月二日开吊。礼毕，涵因有紧急的公事，当晚就回到南京去了。母亲曾说命里只有两个孩子送她，如今送葬又只剩我和杰了。在涵未走之前，我们大家聚议，说下葬之后，我们再看不见母亲了，应该有些东西殉葬，只当是我们自己永远随侍一般。我们随各剪下一缕头发，连父亲和小菊的，都装在一个小白信封里。此外我自己还放入我头一次剃下来的胎发（是母亲珍重的用红线束起收存起来的）以及一把“斐托斐”（ＰｈｉＴａｕＰｈｉ）名誉学位的金钥匙。这钥匙是我在大学毕业时得到的，上面刻有年月和姓名。我平时不大带它，而在我得到之时，却曾与母亲以很大的喜悦。这是我觉得我的一切珍饰，都是母亲所赐与，只有这个，是我自己以母亲栽培我的学力得来的。我愿意以此寄托我的坚逾金石的爱感的心，在我未死之前，先随侍母亲于九泉之下！ 二月三日，下午二时，我们一家收拾了都到殡仪馆。送葬的亲朋，也陆续的来了。我将昨夜封好了的白信封儿，用别针别在棺盖里子的白绫花上。父亲俯在玻璃盖上，又痛痛的哭了一场。我们扶起父亲，拭去了盖上的眼泪，珍重的将棺盖掩上。自此我们再无从瞻仰母亲的柔静慈爱的睡容了！ 父亲和杰及几个伯叔弟兄，轻轻的将钢棺抬起，出到门外，轻轻的推进一辆堆满花圈的汽车里。我们自己以及诸亲友，随后也都上了汽车，从殡仪馆徐徐开行。路上天阴欲雨，我紧握着父亲的手，心头一痛，吐出一口血来。父亲惨然的望着我。 二时半到了虹桥万国公墓，我们又都跟着下车，仍由父亲和杰等抬着钢棺。执事的人，穿着黑色大礼服，静默前导。 到了坟地上，远远已望见地面铺着青草似的绿毡。中央坟穴里嵌放着一个大水泥框子。 穴上地面放着一个光辉射目的银框架。架的左右两端，横牵着两条白带。钢棺便轻轻的安稳的放在白带之上。父亲低下头去，左右的看周正了。执事的人，便肃然的问我说：“可以了罢？”我点一点首，他便俯下去，拨开银框上白带机括。白带慢慢的松了，盛着母亲遗体的钢棺，便平稳的无声的徐徐下降。这时大家惨默的凝望着，似乎都住了呼吸。在钢棺降下地面时，万千静默之中，小菊忽然大哭起来，挣出张妈的怀抱，向前走着说：“奶奶掉下去了！ 我要下去看看，我要下去看看！”华一手拉住小菊，一手用手绢掩上脸。这时大家又都支持不住，忽然都背过脸去，起了无声的幽咽！ 钢棺安稳平正的落在水泥框里，又慢慢的抽出白带来。几个人夫，抬过水泥盖子来，平正的盖上。在四周合缝里和盖上铁环的凹处，都抹上灰泥。水泥框从此封锁。从此我们连盛着母亲遗体的钢棺也看不见了！ 堆掩上黄土，又密密的绕覆上花圈。大家向着这一杯香云似的土丘行过礼。这简单严静的葬礼，便算完毕了。我们谢过亲朋，陆续的向着园门走。这时林青天黑，松梢上已洒上丝丝的春雨。走近园门，我回头一望。蜿蜒的灰色道上，阴沉的天气之中，松荫苍苍，杰独自落后，低头一步一跛的拖着自己似的慢慢的走。身上是灰色的孝服，眉宇间充满了绝望，无告，与迷茫！我心头刺了一刀似的！我止了步，站着等着他。可怜的孩子呵！我们竟到了今日之一日！ 回家以后，呵，回家以后！家里到处都是黑暗，都是空虚了。我在二月五夜寄给藻的信上说： 跟着我最宝爱的母亲葬在九泉之下了。前天两点半钟的时候，母亲的钢棺，在光彩四射的银架间，由白带上徐徐降下的时光，我的心，完全黑暗了。这心永远无处捉摸了，永远不能复活了！ ... 不说了，爱，请你预备着迎接我，温慰我。我要飞回你那边来。只有你，现在还是我的幻梦！ 以后的几个月中，涵调到广州去，杰和我回校，父亲也搬到北平来。只有海外的楫，在归舟上，还做着“偎依慈怀的温甜之梦”。 九月七日晨，阴。我正发着寒热，楫归来了。轻轻推开屋门，站在我的床前。我们握着手含泪的勉强的笑着。他身材也高了，手臂也粗了，胸脯也挺起了，面目也黧黑了。海上的辛苦与风波，将我的娇生惯养的小弟弟，磨练成一个忍辱耐劳的青年水手了！我是又欢喜，又伤心。他只四面的看着，说了几句不相干的话，才款款的坐在我床沿，说：“大哥并没有告诉我。船过香港，大哥上来看我，又带我上岸去吃饭，万分恳挚爱怜的慰勉我几句话。送我走时，他交给我一封信，叫我给二哥。我珍重的收起。船过上海，亲友来接，也没有人告诉我。船过芝罘，停了几个钟头，我倚阑远眺。那是母亲生我之地！我忽然觉得悲哀迷惘，万不自支，我心血狂涌，颠顿的走下舱去。我素来不拆阅弟兄们的信，那时如有所使，我打开箱子，开视了大哥的信函。里面赫然的是一条系臂的黑纱，此外是空无所有了！ ……”他哽咽了，俯下来，埋头在我的衾上，“我明白了一大半，只觉得手足冰冷！到了天津，二哥来接我，我们昨夜在旅馆里，整整的相抱的哭了一夜！”他哭了，“你们为什么不早告诉我？我一道上做着万里来归，偎依慈怀的温甜的梦，到得家来，一切都空了！忍心呵，你们！”我那时也只有哭的分儿。是呵，我们都是最弱的人，父亲不敢告诉我；藻不敢告诉杰；涵不敢告诉楫；我们只能战栗着等待这最后的一天！忍心的天，你为什么不早告诉我们，生生的突然的将我们慈爱的母亲夺去了！ 完了，过去这一生中这一段慈爱，一段恩情，从此告了结束。从此宇宙中有补不尽的缺憾，心灵上有填不满的空虚。 只有自家料理着回肠，思想又思想，解慰又解慰。我受尽了爱怜，如今正是自己爱怜他人的时候。我当永远勉励着以母亲之心为心。我有父亲和三个弟弟，以及许多的亲眷。我将永远拥抱爱护着他们。我将永远记着楫二次去国给杰的几句话：“母亲是死去了，幸而还有爱我们的姊姊，紧紧的将我们搂在一起。” 窗外是苦雨，窗内是孤灯。写至此觉得四顾彷徨，一片无告的心，没处安放！藻迎面坐着，也在写他的文字。温静沉着者，求你在我们悠悠的生命道上，扶助我，提醒我，使我能成为一个像母亲那样的人！ 一九三一年六月三十日夜，燕南园，海淀，北平。惊爱如同一阵风 惊爱如同一阵风，在车中，他指点我看西边，雨后，深灰色的天空， 有一片晚霞金红！再也叫不觉这死寂的朦胧， 我的心好比这深灰色的天空，这一片晚霞，是一声钟！敲进我死寂的心宫， 千门万户回响，隆——隆，隆隆的洪响惊醒了我的诗魂。在车中，他指点我看西边， 雨后，深灰色的天空，