Chapter 64 Lunar New Year's eve

It's such a quiet place, watching the fire, thinking is flooding; pick up the pen - write, where to start? "New Year's Eve!" Could it be that people echo what others say, and have heartfelt thoughts? ——The books that should be read are all piled up on the shelf. I am free tonight... After reading, I can't read a single line.I suppressed the tide of thought, but it suddenly surged like before. The word "New Year's Eve" has entered my heart, and my thoughts always revolve around it. "Time" Oh!You come to limit the infinite space, what year, month, day and hour are divided into "past", "future" and "now", under the shadow of these three flags, how many young people have been commanded!

The word "New Year's Eve" is also given by time, separating the present from the future.An ordinary night turned into a mountain of ten thousand feet! I don't believe that an ordinary night can become a mountain of ten thousand feet!Stopped the constant stream of life.However, I——I eventually followed suit.Poor human beings! To hear that "time" is so difficult for you, it's even more pitiful that I can't jump out of the circle! In the future, how will my dream come true? ——For the ardent expectation of "now", I long for time to fly away; for the boring memories of "future", I am afraid that time will fly away.man!After all, you are a human being, how can you resist the play of time.

It's over!man!You are just a person, what aspirations, what hopes, count from the beginning, and only leave some ink on the pages of "time".At the end, there is only...empty—but now there is always me, this involuntary struggle, this boring effort, must still be bound by "time"!Listen to the bell for a while, and it urges people to pass again. This sound is rare.Even if I sit until dawn, I just follow the world, there is still me, there is still time. Those who have gone have gone, those who have come have come, and those who have stayed can only listen to "time" and turn its pages.

Poor man!You have read some books in vain, and you are bored by this little problem without getting the slightest answer? On the night of December 31, 1921, in 1922, the morning bell woke him up from his tired sleep.When he was still in a daze, he seemed to be deeply depressed and irritable.Pushing away the pillow, resting on his left arm, closing his eyes and thinking for a while, it seems that there is nothing that can make him unhappy.At this time, the footsteps of classmates coming and going outside the corridor were already complicated, so he had to put on his clothes in boredom; while arranging the scattered books on the table, he was thinking blankly.

Just after washing, the dinner bell rang, but he didn't want to eat; he went to the classroom with his book in his arms and stood by the fire.Seeing the students walking towards the dining room one after another from the window, his question arose again: "Do you eat to live, or live to eat? Is eating the most important thing in life? If people can not eat, can they eat less?" Make a lot of right and wrong, and commit less crimes? But..." His thoughts went to nowhere, and he couldn't help picking up a pencil, drawing back and forth on the notebook, lost in thought. I didn't know how long I stood there, when I suddenly felt that someone pushed the door and came in.When I looked back, it was my classmates, You Keji and Xizhen, who also came with books between them. When they saw him, they asked, "Why don't you go eat?" He smiled and shook his head.Seeing him in such a state, they said nothing. After standing by the fire for a while, they sat down and talked about other things.

Maybe he would talk with them some other day, but today he just kept silent and stared blankly at them from behind.He thought: "This kid Xizhen is very smart, but he just refuses to use his thoughts. In fact, what's the use of practical thoughts? It's just more troubles. It's better to make them muddy." He thought again: "Keji treated me yesterday. I criticized Xizhen for a long time, saying that he is not considerate of people, and I will ignore him for the rest of my life. I am getting better with him again today, and maybe I have something to ask him for. Love and hatred are just diverted from this,—there is no real right and wrong in the world, and human beings have no definite xinxing." Then he thought, "Ke Ji's brother wrote to me a few days ago asking me to make some manuscripts, and I haven't had time to reply to them yet. He, his elder brother..." At this time, there were more and more classmates, and his current of thoughts was interrupted, so he picked up the book and went to sit down.

He likes philosophy very much, but today he has no intention of listening to the lecture, and only looks at the dead branches and snow outside the window.Hearing a sentence or two by chance, "Materialists say that the heart is the thing - all phenomena in the world are just the encounter between the purposeless force and the thing." He looked at the patterns on the wall and listened.After a while, the professor finished speaking and asked the students for their opinions and questions, but he was silent.He thought: "No one can fully answer philosophical questions. If you ask, there will be no result; it will only waste some time."

One o'clock passed quickly, and he followed the crowd out listlessly. Back in the house, put down the book, walked around a few times, and then sat down; boringly took out a pen and paper, and wanted to write a letter to his sister.This is his habit when he is bored, either meditating or scribbling. Dear sister: I have turned my heart into a land of nothingness. Don't laugh at me again, my thoughts are ebb and flow.People who have a close relationship with me always feel that I am lively, talking and laughing, and I also feel that I am moving rather than static.However, I like to think mysteriously, thinking of going to heaven and entering the earth.I get bored from time to time, not only when I'm lonely, but also when I'm in a crowded place.sister!

Why is this?Is it genetic?When I was there, my brave father was singing the song of "Praying for death in battle" on the sea with strong wind and heavy snow, fighting against the enemy under the rain of guns and guns.Young mother, so worry for a long time.Perhaps because of this influence, the buds of melancholy were deeply planted in my initial mood.For the environment?In my life, I have lived in the desolate and desolate corner of the sea for twelve years, looking at the boundless sea and sky, listening to the trumpet in the early morning and late at night. The situation has changed.Like our age and family at that time—and it is the same now—there is no sense of birth experience, but the childish heart has not been shaken several times, and as time passes, it will become a habit.

I hate the life in the corner of the sea, which made me study alone and have no friends, so I had to get close to books.I hate our gentleman even more, he only teaches me some literary works, but I am very good at it.Facing the mysterious "nature" without answering a hundred questions all day long, I feel worried about the world for the ancients.Afterwards, even though he was free from the persecution of the environment, he was already preconceived and beyond cure. I lived a few more years of school life in the city. This life also lasted for five or six years, which made me dizzy with joy, but gradually I retreated.Although I have many classmates, I don't have a single friend with whom to talk.Although they were not too intimate with me, they did not call me a grotesque, because I only spoke to them with my mouth, not with my heart.The scope of my friends is not only in school anymore.When I was in Haiyu, I only knew the characters in the book, but now I know some of the characters in the characters.sister!What a sin!For these characters, I imitate from admiration, fear from imitation, and despise from fear.All in all, I approached the society step by step, and at the same time made me look down on people day by day!

Don't go any further, let's stop here.Sister, what about the future?Do you struggle?Struggle is another name for obliterating authenticity, and I ended up like them.Don't you struggle?Where is my home?Go with the flow, let nature take its course, wherever I go, I am not willing to wander like this! Therefore I am often depressed and melancholy, and I seem to have peeped into the mystery of society.The reason for my boredom is more than that, and I am often annoyed for no reason.Even I am surprised, so I have to attribute it to heredity and environment.But whether it is heredity or environment, it has indeed made me such a deeply worried and contemplative person. Sister, my arrogant temperament will never be erased!I can grit my teeth to comfort others, but I cannot be comforted by others.People say that I have cold rationality, and I admit that I am cold rationality.Who is my comfort at this time, and who deserves to comfort me?sister!My tears cannot be hidden in front of you, and my sighs cannot be hidden in your ears.Dear sister, "Beautiful Angel",—you are truly worthy of the badge given to you by your friends and classmates—only you can comfort me, and only I deserve your comfort.You cannot stop the fountain of my tears, yet you can check the rush of the fountain.sister!Although you don't have the same genetics as me, you also have the same environment as me. How can you be so gentle, brave, smart, and joyful? ——Although people also say that you are calm, in comparison, you are far different from me——The changes and tendencies in the history of my thoughts have at least nine-tenths of your power.I already felt that I was trying my best to imitate you, but when I left you, I lost my consciousness again.Just like this summer, I always felt joy in my heart, but once the holiday was over, it was lost again.Sister, kind and beautiful sister!Little brother who is drifting in the sea of ​​enlightenment—or in the sea of ​​depravity, I don’t know—you are urgently waiting for your help! The annual holiday is approaching, and I hope you will come back. Although written talks are sometimes less real and more thorough than face-to-face talks, sitting around the fireplace on a winter night is also a happier thing in life, but it is difficult for you to walk the long distance in the wind and snow.Little brother also looks forward to your return. When I went home last week, he told me that he must not be like me, nor does he seem to be very like you. He is a more lively and cheerful child.I sometimes think that he is still young, at the age of ten, he is naturally innocent.But in any case, it will never be like me.God bless him!Just that he will always be like you is my prayer. sister!The wind is getting tighter and snowflakes are coming.I picked up a pen casually, and wrote six letters. For no reason, it took you five minutes to read the letter. Please forgive me.Goodbye, dear sister!Your depressed brother finished writing in a hurry, then read it from the beginning, and slowly folded it up.I moved to sit by the fireside, thought for a while, then came back, and wrote a few words at the back of the letter again: the ups and downs of thoughts are too unpredictable, maybe it will be fine in the morning.I don't want to displease me and you with unreasonable things. After injecting, he sealed it and put it on the table. ——Actually, his sister may not be able to read this letter: when he is bored, he writes the letter, and after finishing writing, he reads it several times by himself. torn. He does not want people to be influenced by his thoughts, much less to show weakness so that people know that he is persecuted by the environment in this way.Anyway, the pain in his spirit has been vented, and it’s nothing if he doesn’t send it. It’s just a waste of countless time and pens and papers. At this time, the sound of the students laughing and running around in the yard was scattered again, and it was already the time for get out of class to end in the morning.He felt hungry, so he came out and went to the dining room by himself.After a while, the classmates also came, all blushing, rubbing their hands, and gathered to talk by the fire.Ke Ji turned around and saw him, and asked, "There's no class at these two o'clock, what are you doing?" He said: "I didn't do anything, I just wrote a few letters." Keji said: "Exactly, my brother is waiting for your reply, don't forget." He nodded. When I walked out after dinner, the ground was already white, and the snow flakes were dancing in the air.While walking, Xizhen caught up from behind and said, "You must come to the committee at four o'clock this afternoon." He stopped and said, "I was just about to tell you that today is Saturday, and yesterday my brother Write a letter asking me to go back earlier, probably because of something. Please take my place as chairman today, I have already taken leave. "Xizhen said: "You are here again, how can there be such a coincidence.If you don't go, they will blame you again; it's difficult to do things, but you are too..." He lowered his face and said, "Too what? Xi Zhen swallowed his smile and said, "It's nothing, but I advise you to always arrive." He walked with his head down, silent for a long time, then sneered and said, "I see it too."Everyone has to be smart, so why should I bother with this?Do it again and again, it's always the same thing.What charity?what service?I advise everyone not to have this dream.Just let go, but you can release countless sentient beings who are toiling.In fact, I don't need to talk about others, I deeply admit that I am the leader of evil and the leader of the devil. "Xizhen heard this, but didn't say anything. He had already walked to the door of his house, and he said again: "Actually——I didn't do it for this. I really have something to do today. Please do it for me; I leave it to you up.No need to ask for my opinion again. Xizhen hesitated for a while and said, "That's fine." "He nodded and went in. When I arrived at the house, I was bored, looking out at the blurred snow scene through the frozen glass window, I gradually became sleepy; my clothes fell down, and I covered my face with a handkerchief, as if in a dream. After a while, I woke up again, fell on the bed and thought, my heart became more irritable, and I got up and wanted to go home.Suddenly remembered that Kehui's letter had not been answered, so it was better to write it before leaving. When he picked up the pen, it became a short text: young people entered the society step by step, and he gradually saw through the "mystery of society".His usual admiration and respect for the society gradually disappeared, and he gradually looked down on people. All social phenomena can only be seen from a distance.At the beginning, young people valued society too much, and their interest in imagination was too strong: now, he can only be pessimistic and sneer.He was distraught and seemed to be on the road to suicide. It turns out that everything is just like this, and it is worthless to say it. What he thought was good at the beginning, and what he thought could not be achieved in a hundred steps, turned out to be just like this. ——At this time, he has no standard of respect, no purpose of hope; only he is left alone, lonely and desolate, turning around in this world of hypocrisy and pain. From looking down on people, he gradually lost his "love" instinct, and gradually cut off contact with human beings; he regards all friendships as dispensable or dispensable. This is a great danger, isn't it?I want to ask about society as a youth environment! On the one hand, he has only the tendency to be self-sufficient. ——But the universe is infinite, containing infinite mysteries, facing him quietly.With his limited spirit and thinking, there is absolutely no hope of exploring and understanding this.He can only hesitate, only admire, only the strange emotion of the vast and empty space. The two kinds of psychology hang young people up, hanging in the middle of the heaven and the earth. This is a great danger, isn't it?Youth should ask the universe, but also ask themselves. Why can't the youth themselves make all kinds of perfect answers to life and the universe?But theory is one thing, practice is another.He could talk but couldn't do it, and he was still hanging in the end. Why can't these two aspects be solved by "incomprehensible solutions"?But young people cannot ascend to heaven, and are unwilling to enter the earth; unless one aspect can fully adapt to him. The universe has always been mysterious; but why not remove the hypocrisy and suffering a little bit so that all young people will not be irrelevant? The great danger has come, and the young man knew it clearly—he finished writing it in one breath, read it again, put it aside, found Kehui's letter, stared at it blankly, and was very dazed for a long time. Pick up a pen and write again: Brother Kehui: I read it, very good.I also like moonlit nights very much. I have experienced moonlit nights on the sea and in the mountains. I am afraid you have never encountered such beautiful scenery.But I always feel that a moonlit night is not as good as a starry night; the feeling of a moonlit night is loose, not as deep as a starry night.The brilliant stars, against the dark blue night, the deep and quiet space, really make people sigh, make people think deeply, and make people wander away!Sometimes facing the starless moonlit night, I wish I could smash the moonlight with the sharp axe of my heart, and turn it into thousands of stars, let it and the dense leaves and branches in the wind, and praise the mystery of "nature". Have you ever had such fantasies? When it comes to literary creation, it is naturally not as easy for people other than geniuses to create as geniuses. ——It’s not a question of how easy it is—because it’s one thing to see it, and another thing to be able to write it.The observation of a genius may be the same as that of others, but he can describe it very naturally and deeply, which makes him superior.But there is also a danger in entrusting genius with the responsibility of creating literature.Their endowments are different, and when the feeling seeps through his mind, it often carries a very strong and unique color; joy can be extremely joyful, and sadness can also be extremely sad.The more moving the writing is, the more the reader is guided to his narrow thinking, the objects he describes will inevitably be blurred and reversed.Now that the issue of literary materials is involved, I have a strange thought again. Everything in the universe can be described; no matter in a mountain village or in a city, as long as there is a second of silence, sit down and think about it. Stop and take a look. Our surroundings are full of literary materials with a very precise structure, so why seek everywhere?I advocate that instead of being described by one or two people—whether geniuses or not—it is better for everyone to observe on the spot together, each of whom has his own needs.How can one or two people's feelings and words write all these mysteries, without insulting and concealing this infinite "nature"! How lonely it is in the literary world!I don't believe that the personalities of these people in the current literary world are enough to support our modern literary world, but they have indeed supported it in this way.However, this has been the case throughout the ages. The ancient writers may not be present, but we can't see them, so we can only blindly admire them.Why bother?The world is only funny, it is only hypocrisy.The ancients deceived the present, and the present deceived the future, and history is full of deceiving words that continue in one continuous line. Having said that, I think of what you said to me again.You said that I can only influence others, but not be influenced by them.You take me too seriously!Where do I have the power to influence people?As for me being influenced by others, there are indeed many, just ignore it.You also advised me not to think too pessimistically. I don’t think this is a problem. My recent thinking has changed almost instantaneously.Tell you a joke, I now completely agree with the materialist theory.Almost overturned previous claims.But in the end, I do not recognize my propositions of yesterday, and the same applies to today's and tomorrow's.I am too young, too inexperienced, and have read too few books.My outlook on life has not yet been determined; the occasional melancholic speech and writing are only due to the influence of the momentary state of mind and the feeling of the environment, and will not last for a long time, and if I do not observe it from the perspective of writing, I am not a pessimistic me.Therefore, I have never paid attention to the changes of thoughts, and let the thoughts of this transitional era be free and unrestrained. Whether it is deep sorrow or bliss, I just let it go.The times have passed, the outlook on life has been determined, and there will naturally be a result.Please rest assured, I don't need human comfort, thank you. "Manuscript problem", I am so ashamed, I don't want to mention it again--attached an article, just scribbled just now, but please take a look--this is the last time.Because the more I despised people, the more I took the description of "nature" not to be sacred; the result was that I myself fell, and "nature" committed suicide.I don't want to do it anymore, it's better to listen to "nature" itself clearly presented in the heart of every fisherman and peasant woman, covering the soul of ignorance and ignorance, stretching out the endless beauty. What else is there to say? —Your beloved child, my little brother, is more lively than ever, and can be comforted. The sky in the snow is already dark, and I want to go home.The new wind facing you on the way home may correspond to the river water beside your building.Why not entrust your soul to this boundless sound of nature, to speak for us!Your friend finished writing in a hurry and sealed it together with the manuscript.He took the letter to his sister from the table and put them together in the bag.He picked out a few books, put on his coat and hat, and hurried out again; he saw Xizhen and a few classmates standing at the door of the "meeting room" and watching him. On the street, there are only snow flakes blown by the new wind, and the soft sound of the wheels pressing against the snow. The street lamps were already on, and they were lined up in a row like stars; but there were not many passers-by under the lamps, only the crowing of jackdaws returning to their nests could be heard.Sitting in the car, he thought: "Back when there were no living things, did it snow on the earth? If there was snow, it would be white and boundless. If it was not trampled on, let it freeze and turn into water, it would be spotless. "I thought again: "Only 'home' is the comfort of life, is life happy? Poor! The snow is cold and the wind is cold, everyone is rushing to their temporary destination. What will happen to those who have no home? —— Permanent Where is home?" The more he thought about it, the farther he went, he even forgot the cold wind blowing on his face.Suddenly the car stopped, and he knew he was home. Walking in the door and crossing the corridor, I saw only a faint light in the dining room; I thought that my father might not be at home.He went upstairs first, turned on the light, put down his book, took off his coat, and came down again. Gently pushed open the door, the room was very dark, but there was a warm fragrance blowing on my face.Mother was sitting on the warm couch, facing the fire, thinking about something.The younger brother was asleep with his head on his mother's lap and his feet on one side.The dancing flames reflected the younger brother's snow-white face and the mother's hand on his head, all turning reddish. Everything in this room was shrouded in silence, and the sound of the pendulum and the explosion of charcoal could also be clearly heard.Outside the light and shadow, you can't see clearly; inside the light and shadow, there is only the mother's tender love and the child's innocent and blissful sleep. He stopped and stared, "Life is as long as he is like this all his life!" At this time, all the worries of the day were driven out of his heart, but tears of love welled up in his eyes. His mother had seen him; he had to come closer and bend down beside his brother.Mother said: "You are back, is it cold?" He shook his head.The mother said again: "Your sister has a letter, she said..." He looked up and asked, "What did she say?" The mother looked at his face and asked, "What's the matter with you?" He looked down. The head said: "Nothing—" At this time, his tears were already dripping on his younger brother's face. (This article was originally published in Novel Monthly, Volume 13, Issue 1, January 1922, and was later included in the collection of novels and essays "Superman".)