——I thought I could stay with him for the rest of my life. Her name is Xu Zhixing. When I first met her, we were still in the first grade. I went to "The Art of Thinking" Tutorial, which is a compulsory subject for first-year students, and I met her. She is the only female student I know who wears cheongsam embroidered shoes to class. She is really pretentious, but very eye-catching. I remember it was a pair of extremely bright red embroidered shoes. She has short hair cut to the ears, often lowers her eyes, and takes notes with her head down. She looks like a good student But she is painted in peach red Koudan - women painted with Koudan are all bad women, they are quiet, show off temptation in small places, and they are even more outright bad women. I don't know that I would like bad women.

Sure enough, her reputation spread very well. The boys in my class told me that her name is Xu Zhixing, a Chinese major, graduated from Jiangsu and Zhejiang Public Schools, and lives in Lantang Road. We were taking Plato's class, but they piled up in the dormitory in twos and threes When I talked about Xu Zhixing, I clasped my hands and laughed, but in my heart I felt a bit of contempt for these male students, but they still liked to talk about her and called her "Little Fengxian". Zhizhi has been absent from school. I met her at the train station, and she kept walking with her head down, followed by a boy.

The following year we met in the "Introduction to Sociology" class. In order to avoid the roll call, the old lecturer stipulated that we sit in one seat at a time so that he could see it at a glance. I took the opportunity to sit next to Xu Zhixing. I remember that day she wore Plain white dark purple wide cotton cheongsam, with very fine hair on the arms. It also exudes a smell - a mixture of powder, perfume, milk, and ink - I will call it "Fengxian smell" from now on. Her Hands are so smooth and cold, I want to touch her very much. But I didn't because she didn't notice my presence.

She missed class again. When it was time to talk about Marx's theory of surplus value, she reappeared and asked me to borrow my notes. I showed her the notes and smiled: "It's useless to lend them to you. This is something only I understand." She I raised my eyebrows: "Oh, not necessarily." Because I was lazy, I copied very short shorthand, which my classmates described as "code notes", and no one ever borrowed them from me. I saw her writing like a fly, and she translated my "password" neatly - you have to be a little bit skilled if you haven't taken the January class. I like people who are smart and jumpy, and this may be the reason for my trip reason.

I said, "Coffee, please." She said, "Okay." This kind of conversation is also like a telegram. We sat in the setting sun, we were speechless, I looked at her carefully, she looked at me and said: "I have seen you, Ye Xixi. You play the shakuhachi alone in the classroom at night. I have heard you." She was wearing a silver bracelet of zero zero, shaking it, and said loudly: "I know you lost a pink Meitonfang bust last week , I saw it on the big-character poster in the dormitory lobby. That’s you, isn’t it?” She smiled: “The whole dormitory knows it, even the boys’ dormitory, you lost a pink 32B Meidunfang bust, really stupid !" I said: "Wrong, 32A is right, I'm thin." I saw her breasts rising and falling, I laughed: "I bet you must wear at least 34B, and you may increase to 38 after you get married!

"Zhi Zhi gently covered his chest: "Oh, I'm afraid too!" We got to know each other through our conversation, and we started with a Meitonfang bust. She came to class every time, so we talked. This old lecturer is really skinny, wearing flesh-colored nylon stockings. I asked her where to buy the cheongsam, and she said it was a trade secret. We laughed so hard. I dragged her to watch Eisenstein's "October," and we both fell asleep until everyone was gone. We went to have supper, During the trip, she also wore jeans sometimes, such as the days when I ate fried clams with me, but she still insisted on those embroidered shoes.

In the second semester of the third grade, her roommate quit the dormitory. But she didn't inform the dormitory supervisor, so I lived with Zhixing. In fact, this is the real beginning of me and Zhixing. To be honest, I just think that Zhixing is very charming, a little smart, and easy-going, but I don’t really understand her personality. This is also the place where we are most like ordinary men and women in love. Our initial attraction is based on each other Appearance——Although I am not a beautiful woman, and I don’t have the charm of Zhixing, but I know how to sell myself in a low-key way. I think Zhixing will like people like me. This is a kind of, ah, very subtle smoke Mei Xing. Why not her cheongsam embroidered shoes?

In this way, our living room is "Firework Alley". We both smoke, she smokes Double Happiness, and I smoke Menthol Dunhill, both of which are "wild" cigarettes that are hopelessly "wild". We both like TOMWAITS, and the two of them are in the room Dancing, her body is extremely soft. We are all women. Sometimes I will read some Bofuwa, but later I think it is not enough, and I read Kristeva. Zhizhi likes to watch Yishu, but then I protested, she changed to watching Shagang, and I protested again, she watched ANCELACARTER. We are both getting better, I got a scholarship, she also applied, but she didn’t. Because she lost to me .

I got a scholarship that day and took a picture in the school magazine. I remember when I was shopping with her, she saw a fiery red cashmere sweater, 950 yuan, she was reluctant to buy it, so I bought it for her I came down to see her off at dinner. But she never came back. I waited until the night was getting dark, and I was alone in the room without turning on the light. It was late autumn at that time, and there was a sea of ​​evacuated fishing lights outside the window. I suddenly had the feeling of "a man's heart is like iron". I have made boyfriends before, but I have never been so concerned about them. I didn't make a quilt today. I don’t wear embroidered shoes. Zhixing’s toothpaste is about to run out, so I need to buy some more for her. Zhixing’s "Fairy Smell" lingers in the room. Zhixing’s makeup, Zhixing’s tears. I leaned quietly by the window, Silently shed two tears, only two drops, and it's done. Zhixingzhixing.

I woke up, ate some bread, and suddenly found that the bread had a very rancid flour smell, which was very close to the smell of feed. I have eaten bread for more than ten years, and only then did I know the taste of bread. Hi, it's a cliché, but at this moment I'm really sorry, with a taste I just realized. Oh, the taste of the world is hard to describe. At midnight, I was leaning against the window, and I heard the sound of the motor. I jumped out of the taxi, and she was wearing a black dress and black flat shoes. Poor woman, I still pay attention to what clothes she is wearing at this time. I find that I pay attention to her clothes, smell more than temperament - maybe she has no temperament, I suddenly feel ashamed, so what is the difference between me and other men, I am as sensual, although I have never touched her; maybe because everyone refuses to tell , I have never had any kissing and caressing thing with her, nor have I felt the need for it—the so-called lesbian kissing each other is something that men imagine to stir up spectacle for the entertainment of their eyes, me and Zhixing has never been like this. I haven't even said "I love you" to Zhixing. But at this moment, I know that I love her very much; I love her so much that I want to find out whether she has a temperament. I lean against the window , a heart is hot and hot, what you get, the trip is coming, the trip is coming.

Xu opened the door, and she fell down on the bed. Her face was covered in red, and she smelled of sour wine. For some reason, Zhixing put on heavy makeup today, and her face was completely melted. I remembered, the smell of bread. I was very Silence, the words that stop on the lips are cold. She smiled: "You are happy today. I am very happy today." Suddenly, there was a sound of "scattering", and the sky was full of coins flying towards me. "Ye Xixi, I am just a worldly person." I hid my face and said nothing. The coin hit the back of my hand, it was very painful, and I was tired from throwing it, so I leaned against the bed to rest. There was a moment of silence, and I felt that the light was dazzling. "Zhixing." She didn't answer me, she fell asleep. I wiped her face, took off her clothes, took off her shoes and pants, and kissed her feet. I tidied up a bit, and then left a note on her desk: "Zhixing, if one day we are lost in the crowd and have a mediocre life, it is because we didn't work hard to live a prosperous life." Actually, I had no ambitions at that time .But the trip has. That night, I went to knock on a man's room. This man had been coveting me for a long time, and he had an anxious look on his face. Didn't I know that I also went there as soon as possible. This may be for myself and this man. Revenge, because I don’t have a heart. And my body doesn’t belong to me. I stay in a daze all day. I see that person rents a room for me, and that person goes. I don’t care. A reversal of the old temperament. Walking through the dormitory, I always look around, is Zhixing still there? She is combing her hair, she is doing homework, she is reading the newspaper? Will she miss me? Zhixing suddenly disappears in my life, how peaceful I am, no one knows My heart is ups and downs. This night, in the late autumn weather, I ate with that person, but the person’s words were tasteless, and I just drank wine. After the meal, I was completely red, walking in the evening wind, I vomited, and tears covered my body and face The man handed me his handkerchief, and I held him tightly. At this time, any man with a handkerchief is a good man. I couldn't help but reduce my disgust for him. Really, at this time If I had a relationship with him, it would be a good thing to stop the trip from now on. The man was driving a small Japanese car, and as soon as he got into the car, he hugged me tightly and put his face closer. I said with a smile: "You could be a good man, but you are willing to kiss a woman who smells like wine. I have great doubts about your taste." He drove me back to the hut resentfully. I said: "Wait a minute , I want to go back to the dormitory and get something." At three o'clock in the middle of the night, Zhixing only turned on the lamp on the desk, but she couldn't see her. I stood in the night and looked around, and Zhixing was under the bright light. I didn't mean to take away her scenery, Zhixing, I I'm just a quiet woman who wants to develop a pure relationship with someone. Why the world doesn't allow me. Suddenly Zhixing's shadow flashed in front of the window and turned off the light. With this flash, did Zhixing's hair grow? Has anyone cut her toenails and painted Kou Dan? I'm leaving, who will button her back The button? Who comes to see her at night, who misses her? Who knows that she is happy and she is sad? Who is competing with her for that little scene? Who is her beloved and troubled by her heart? I want to see her very much. Just a glance. I hurried upstairs and locked the door, but I have the key. She fell asleep and her breasts rose and fell, and she was still plump. After a few weeks, she was not thin or haggard. When I looked closely, her toenails were still the same. The cut is neat, Kou Dan is in good condition, and the red is as usual. There are a few more dolls on her bed. At this time, she is holding the little white rabbit in her arms, sleeping like a baby. How peaceful. She is still living well after I leave. The sun Still climbing up, the night fell like night, at three o'clock in the middle of the night, some people were asleep and some were awake. Who was next door, still typing on a typewriter, doing homework and doing worldly honor and disgrace. I suddenly burst into tears. There was a rattling sound in my throat: someone wants to strangle me, who is it: I strangled my throat, thinking that tonight the stars will fall like rain. My intentions have been in vain. My tears dripped on Zhixing's face, I pinched myself so that my face was flushed, and I could only breathe desperately. Zhixing suddenly woke up, and he held my hand tightly, saying: "Why is this so?" Zhixing held me in his arms, I sniffed her scent of phoenix fairy, and fell asleep peacefully. I vaguely heard the sound of a car horn downstairs, who cares, that person has fulfilled his value in my life, and we have been with each other ever since. I have nothing to do. All I have in front of me is my journey. Zhixing held my face and said: "You are so stupid." I didn't answer, I just wanted to sleep, there must be sunshine tomorrow. Since then, the trip has gotten better. At night we do my homework late, and she always makes ginseng tea for me. Zhixing has always been lazy in reading, so why did he change his temper. I just vaguely feel that Zhixing is not as good as before, even The perfume has also changed, using "opium". I feel suffocated. At twelve midnight, she always wears a big fiery red sweater, black leather boots, and walks like a leopard. There is a small royal blue sports car waiting for her downstairs. When she comes back, her cheeks are always flushed, and she returns I bought warm glutinous rice balls, but I couldn’t eat them. The glutinous glutinous glutinous rice balls became hard and couldn’t be eaten. The next morning, I was at a loss for what to do with the hardened glutinous rice balls. I'm not here, she's in the fourth grade, wow, she only scored eleven points in total. During the Christmas holiday, I was planning to go home for the night. After packing up the trip, I asked her how long she would stay at home, and she shook her head and said with a smile: "I want to go to Beijing." I stopped and said nothing for a long time. Zhixing and I have been to Japan for fun, and our next destination is Beijing. It was Christmas last year. I quietly covered my face and said: "Zhixing, you remember ..." She took my hands away and looked into my eyes: "I remember. But that was in the past. This time is my chance, you have to plan for your future, maybe I will be mediocre all my life." She kissed me the amount, and went. I fell down and sat in the mid-empty room by myself. I thought I could sit on it for the rest of my life. I fell on the ground and found that the carpet was dirty. I bought it after an afternoon of running around Central with Zhixing. She insisted on Iranian carpets. But I thought it was unrealistic, and advocated buying Indian products. In the end, I bought a Belgian rug as a compromise. We ate Dutch food with the rug in our arms, ordered a dozen large oysters during the trip, and spent all our money... When did that happen? This Christmas, I spent all day in the library, living a sleepy life. I was flipping through the weekly magazine, and suddenly saw a fat and yellow fat man wearing very eye-catching snow goggles. Okay! I covered the magazine, went to the dining hall to eat as if nothing had happened, and sat in the seat where I sat with him for the first time. I was dizzy and almost burst into tears. Gritting my teeth, I went back to the library, and I didn't want to worry about anything else. do your homework. When I came back from the trip, I was sleeping on the desk with a magazine with photos of the trip on it. I didn't look at the trip, and the trip didn't move. I sat and took a puff of a cigarette. Then she said: "I'm sorry. I lost my wife and lost my army." I went to make a cup of tea for her. She held my hand tightly, and I gently stroked her hair. I didn't ask any more questions, and she never mentioned it again. Until now, I still don't know what happened to her. She no longer goes out at night, and earnestly practices her manners in the room. There is color. Graduation is coming soon, and I have restrained my so-called flamboyance. After all, I am not a courtesan, and I am not a dancing girl. I have applied for a degree in a graduate school, and I hope to find a seat in the academic circle in the future. To be honest, it doesn’t take a lot of wisdom and courage to find a career as an intellectual, just a piece of boring material like mine is enough, so I buried myself in the class of Western modern philosophy, which is the easiest to get confused, and the teacher doesn’t understand me I don’t understand, everyone can look at each other and smile at my thesis, at least it’s done, everyone is really relieved, and everyone is happy. The relationship between me and Zhixing has cooled down. She is more attractive and beautiful than before, and she is dressed up like an exam. I heard from my classmates that she has an affair with a certain teacher. Someone told me that she is a photography model in a certain magazine .Why do other people know Zhixing better than me? I and Zhixing are running out of time. I hope that He Zhixing will rent a house. She will continue her public career and I will continue to study. I hope that He Zhixing will raise a family I am a cat and own a hand-woven Iranian carpet. In the middle of the night, Zhixing and I can eat warm and soft glutinous rice balls together. My requirements for life are very simple. Thinking about it, I bought a bouquet of flowers and went back to my room. I wanted to get together with Zhixing. The female dormitory in the afternoon was very quiet. - There is a tie hanging on the door of our room. I am holding a bouquet of sunflowers and standing at the door. I am following the old English rules. That is to say, there is a male guest in our room. How can this be possible? ?That’s where I went with Zhixing. They even made love on my bed and asked me to wash the sheets. It’s impossible for me to sleep in that bed for the rest of my life. I often think that men’s semen is the most stupid thing. It's more disgusting than washing, snot, phlegm, etc. How can you do this? The president of the student association in the opposite room just came back and asked me: "What's the matter? I forgot to bring the key, do you want to open it for you?" "No need." I said hastily, and took out the key. Zhixing and a man are indeed on my bed, rolling into the port. I feel that the sun chrysanthemum in my hand is about to fall, and I am afraid that the petals will scatter all over the ground. Zhixing still half-closes his eyes, unmoved , but the man stopped his movements and didn't know how to hide it. This man has a pimple face, shaggy hair, and is about thirty years old. I looked at him directly: "Sir, this is the girls' dormitory, please get dressed." Xing looked at him sideways and said, "Don't pay attention to her." I threw a pile of clothes at the couple and shouted, "Get dressed quickly! I don't talk to animals." The man really hurriedly dressed, Zhixing turned over and smoked, breathed a sigh of relief, and said nothing. I picked up the scattered contraceptive bags on the ground and said to him: "Sir, return you, please be more dignified." "...I'm sorry." He hurriedly stuffed the condom into his trouser pocket, and I opened the door for him. I said, "Sir, I have a different relationship with Zhixing, please respect us and don't come here. "He had no expression for a while, and after a long pause, he was startled and whispered: "You guys! Perverts!" I slapped his face and slammed the door. Zhizhi stared at me, her face flushed, the cigarette almost burned her finger, she still looked at me motionless. I leaned against the door, also motionless. What is time? When everything is destroyed, we still have to What time to calculate. I don't know how long we were in a stalemate, but her cigarette was also extinguished. The winter is very prosperous. The sky was getting dark and the night was dark. Zhixing suddenly smiled, and then shed two tears. I said: "Anyway, we can be the same as before." She said: "It's different. It's different. You are too naive. You will be defeated by me in the future." I hid my face: "I didn't want to fight with you, why do you want to go around for cheap?" She said: "He can help me, be in a magazine, maybe become an Isabella Rossellini, can you?" I said: "Why do you want to take advantage of men, we are not prostitutes." She replied: "Have you never tried to take advantage of men? There is no difference between reading books and not reading books in this regard." I slowly sat down. I think of some people, people who have breakfast with me, people who have dinner with me, and people who have wine with me. I think of that person, because he had a handkerchief when I was drunk, and I almost entrusted him with my life . Everyone has their weaknesses. "I'm hungry." Zhixing got up, naked, grabbed a piece of clothing, and said to me: "Borrow me, I want to go out." I stepped aside, her footsteps Tart went away. The sun chrysanthemum withered quietly in the dark, I closed my eyes, and suddenly understood what is called "external objects". From now on, everything is an external object. I went to bed early that night, and woke up the next morning to see Zhixing hugging the rabbit, sleeping like a baby. I left a note saying that I would wait for her to eat in the cafeteria at night, and then I went out to class. I didn't expect her to come. I sat at the table near the landing door and waited for her. The winter twilight was falling like death. She walked up, with long hair half tied up, sweater trousers, scarf, and bright blue colored stone earrings. She saw me , Smiling softly, I found that she has grown into a woman, and even her smile is very measured. It can be seen that these books are not in vain. We ordered food and drank some beer. We ate very little but drank a lot, and our cheeks were flushed before we finished the meal. We talked about a sociology teacher who was suddenly advised by the school to retire early , the two congratulated each other, and everyone cheered. She said that she had won a modeling contract. We all agreed. I told her that I finished writing the thesis outline, applied for a scholarship to the UK, and made an appointment. Everyone I was very happy, laughing all over, I was a little drunk, Zhixing put her scarf on me. The wind was very strong, I pressed against Zhixing tightly, and said: "Cold." She hugged me and kept on Walking on the campus. The night is very blue and beautiful. I said, "Let us move to a place like this after graduation. You go out to work, and I do my homework at home." She was quiet for a while, and then said: "I'm afraid you will feel uncomfortable in the room." I laughed: "I'm comfortable in the room, do you think I'm so thin, do I have the conditions to be uncomfortable in the room?" She pressed her chest again and said, "So, I'm afraid I'm not comfortable in the room." Everyone was silent for a while, and Zhixing suddenly hugged me tightly, and I was startled by her sudden enthusiasm. She let me go and said: "It's late, you go to the library to pack up, I'll go back first." I waved my hand, turned around and left. She waved goodbye to me, I scolded her for being crazy, it wasn't a life and death parting, I went without looking back. Back in the dormitory, I ran into the president of the student association in the building, and when he saw me, he pulled me away with relief: "The dormitory supervisor is looking for you." I said put down the book first, what's the hurry. She said it was a matter of urgency, and pushed me desperately. I sat down on the sofa of the dormitory supervisor’s house, bored in my hands, and flipped through "Breakthrough", a reader asked: "Ming Xin, I’m very annoying, I don’t know what to do, he left me..." The dormitory supervisor gave me a soak She is from Taiwan and speaks Cantonese with a very nasal accent. I put my hands on the cup and waited for her to speak. The TV was on, but there was only a picture but no sound. The dormitory supervisor’s face was one light and one dark, one blue and one white. Xu Zhixing has an abnormal relationship." The oolong tea was extremely hot, burning the tip of my tongue. I raised my face to look at her, and for some reason, I smiled slightly. "A college student must not only have knowledge, but also a noble character—" "I don't think it's a lowly thing. Many men and women are lower than us." I caught her eye. She didn't avoid it, but also looked at me. "It's not normal for you to be like this, which hinders the development of human civilization. The reason why society can be maintained as a stable system depends entirely on natural human relationships..." I couldn't hear her words clearly intermittently, I So I stopped looking at her, and turned to "Breakthrough" by myself. Mingxin replied: "Ling, it's wrong for you to destroy people's feelings like this, but Almighty God will forgive you..." I was so scared that I hurriedly read "Breakthrough" "Close it. I stare blankly at the TV with no sound. After a long time, I said in a low voice: "Why do you impose your moral standards on us? We didn't hinder others." I don't know if she heard it; but my voice was so low, as if someone Whoever whispered these words in my ear, I looked around alertly, but there was no one. "Housemaster." I put down my teacup and said, "As long as Zhixing doesn't leave me, I won't leave her." After I finished speaking, I left and opened the door. "However, she has promised me to move out of the dormitory this afternoon, and I have also promised not to make this matter public. I just consult you as usual." She said from a distance. I stood at the door, pushing the door handle, tentacle Sheng Liang. "Thank you." I said. Without making any more noise, I closed the door gently and left. I don't know how I struggled to get back to my room. The stairs are so long. Is this Jacob's Ladder? The way to the truth. I have difficulty walking, my limbs feel like they are being torn apart, and every move hurts my eyes .I cover my eyes, that's all, I've been blind since then, and I can't see the light from now on. The room was unlocked, and there were people in the corridor, so I straightened my back and gritted my teeth and walked in. After a good trip, I cleaned up everything in one afternoon, only a pair of new bright red embroidered shoes and a pink Mayton Fang were placed on my bed. Bust, I checked, she bought the wrong one, it was 32B. I smiled, and I said, "It's 32A, Zhixing, 32A, I'm skinny!" After she left, I also moved out of the dormitory and rented a dark hut near the school. My life was particularly gloomy, and myopia became worse and worse. Wearing framed glasses that did not fit the prescription, I stumbled between the classroom and the library all day long. At first I only Wear blue, purple and black. Quit smoking. Only drink plain water and vegetarian food. I just feel that there is no more peace when I am broken in love. Ruying hugged myself and said, "I still have this." Biting her lip, she said, "Don't shed tears. Don't complain." I want to be a reasonable person--everything has a trace. She has her troubles too. I saw her on the cover of a magazine later. Full lips and a smile. I didn't open the magazine. She was just one of thousands of beautiful women, which was different from the one I knew. Later I was in school I saw her at the graduation ceremony, her academic gown was flying, she was smiling in the sun, and she looked from a distance, covering the sun with her hands. It was too far away, so I couldn’t see whether her smile had changed. I just stood still , hugging myself. There was a man beside her, who looked very familiar. Thinking about it carefully, it turned out to be those people she saw in magazines. She had a choice in her trip. She left me because I was not good enough. But The trip I remember....we don't say good or bad.... ....I remember her cheongsam, embroidered shoes, her reluctance when she copied my notes, her smile when she lightly pressed her chest, and her lazy look at Yishu lying on the bed. I remember my When I was cold, she gave me a scarf to warm me; when I was proud, she tossed me with coins; when I was indifferent, she tightened my hand and said "I lost my wife and lost my soldier". I remember, I remember, I tied her hair, cut her toenails, and bought a bouquet of sunflowers for her. I remember my eyes filled with tears, and I squeezed my throat, and she grabbed my hand, Said: "Why so?" ——Why so. I thought I could stay with him for the rest of my life.