Chapter 4 Lantern Festival

A person who wrote a biography for Mr. Leishi once wrote: a middle-aged man, single, and his body is always so unhealthy that it is worrying. His job is to capture the gestures of human beings in this era of the world with a pen and put them on paper . Because it was the Lantern Festival, this person should have spent four hours of creative life at the table, but it was suddenly destroyed today.At first I wanted to go out to a certain place to see a friend, but when I was about to go out, I suddenly remembered that today was a kind of festive season. In this family with a housewife and children, it was really inappropriate to be an uninvited guest, so I put the Throwing the hat to the corner bookshelf, he still sat down at his desk.

Something is surging in my heart, but I can't tell what it is.It is better to say "no" than "yes".What he felt was emptiness.The mood cannot be pinned on anything, like a drowning person floating on the water, but if he wants to grab a grass or a reed, he seems to be saved, so he is thinking of all the good ways to spend the day.He has thought of all the ways, and before he puts it into practice, he knows that this is not possible and that is not feasible. In the end, he just sits there, facing the panes and counting the number of holes in the hives on the window wall.

The earthen beehive that covered the wall like a pile of cow dung has six mud holes for entry and exit, one of which is like the small north gate in many places. like that.He was fascinated by the sight of the beehive, wondering whether there were any living things in the mud ball, and if so, what the bees were doing and thinking.He would like to know more about them, but can't.In fact, why is he often unwilling to know himself a little more?But his emptiness is already clear, how to get rid of the emptiness around him, how to make life like ordinary people, without lack of interest or joy, he will never be clear.

It seems that when troubles come, I just work, and if I can’t work, I just pretend to be working, thinking, this is the way of the past.With this method, although life itself can't find meaning, but in addition, looking through the grades in the file box from time to time, it seems that it can still live alone.And when I think of how all the great predecessors in the past lived their lives in hardship, I can't help being excited.Thinking of the scars and wounds of the hero who fought hard in life, and looking at himself, he couldn't help but feel hot on his face.At another time, didn't my own behavior already tell people that this is a "hero" and this is a "warrior"?In the past, whether the fighters of another era were not far behind is not known.But what method and under what circumstances will the so-called hedonists spend each day?Bright lanterns and feasts circulate among women, but when they come back, they have a headache and upset; or pay attention to a little acne on their face, and do things according to the doctor's orders every day; You can get the true source of human nature, contempt, hatred, unreasonable love and intentional falsification, which can be encountered anytime and anywhere.These people naturally do not lack the so-called troubles, but the troubles should be another matter, not as obvious as he is at this time.At this time, he can't do anything, even dream, and he is tired of unfolding.

A person with rough thinking, his behavior is close to absurdity, a person with careful thinking, he can go deep into life, but a person who is tired of thinking, he has nothing but disillusionment and grief to bite his heart. He sat down with his head down and looked at the leather shoes on his feet. The shoes were new and shiny, and the line around the sole had not been soiled by mud.Because of the shoes, I remembered the day I bought these shoes, I saw a woman with a slender body outside the shoe store, she seemed to be close to a prostitute, so I followed the woman intentionally or unintentionally, and then found out that the woman was a dancing girl , and went back home.Shoes remind him of nothing more than that.If you like to dance, then at night, put on such a pair of decent leather shoes, go to various dance halls to find the dancer you saw in front of the shoe store that day, and dance with her all night, you can probably feel a kind of intoxication.But he is not a person who can dance, he does not learn, and is too lazy to spend that effort.

After a while, the dream of leather shoes and dancing passed away, so he took the purse out of his pocket to check how much money was left.As a result of the inspection, it was found that the five-yuan banknotes were ten, and the one-yuan banknotes were nine.There is also a 100-yuan HSBC bank note delivered by a bookstore yesterday, which has not been converted into zero.He pinched the wallet in his hand and thought for a while, if this little money is used on absurd things, he can make others and himself become close friends in an instant, and he can also make a good woman corrupt, and a beggar will be so happy because of this. To die, he shook his head, slapped the wallet and threw it on the floor.

However, he still saw the small black wallet with embossed patterns, as if he saw the wallet moving by itself, and as if the banknotes were like a glass of wine, he was there to persuade him, asking him to find a chance to use it well, On the one hand, he seemed to break down there, saying, "This can also be said to be temptation, but it is not malicious at all." He admitted that it was really not malicious. A person who has lost love with money once understands its kindness when he converts to money.With money, he can increase his courage in front of others.When he has no money, he thinks of the things he is very good at using money. He buys this or that, or lends it to someone else, thinking that as long as he has money, he can get a kind of comfort by doing this, like fulfilling a vow before God.Now that the money is in his hands, he can't do what he wants with the money.I used to think that happiness could be obtained in one way or another, but now it is still not enough.When he had no money, he thought that if he had money, he could tick off the word boring from the dictionary. Now he understands that money can't help him get what he wants.An old man, with children around his knees, is a good person at home, and uses money to send off the innocent people who shout outside the door. Money can indeed benefit this old man.A gambler, who loses money during the New Year, feels that he will not be able to get back the money, and if he gets a small sum of money, he can also feel the benefits of the money.The poor naturally live on money, and money and happiness cannot be separated, there is no way to separate them.But what use is he to take this little money?

When buying books, there are no more new books on the bookshelf, and the unread books under the bed are also full.When it comes to sewing, he doesn't wait to wear new clothes to meet guests.He doesn't know who to give it to, and as for giving it to anyone who is poor, he thinks that such a good deed should be done by the rich, which is not his business.Hu Hua, it seems that this is the only way, but treating troubles as a disease, this disease cannot be cured by spending money! He didn't want to eat, drink, go to the theater, and he didn't like to go to the casino, and he couldn't go to the brothel alone, which was even more absurd. It was difficult to spend the money.

Fifteen today, he remembers it clearly.Since it was fifteen, it was no longer possible to go around as usual.On such a day, if you have a family among your friends, even if they entertain you more cordially than usual, the guest will not benefit.If friends are single, most of them will not be at home, and they always go out to drink and play cards with acquaintances. A person in a foreign country is naturally very lonely when the festive season is approaching.A person in his own country still feels lonely. The reason is not poverty, but of course it is another situation.He understood himself, but he didn't dare to think about it.

He was only troubled, and did not investigate why he was so self-suffering. In his life, there is the root cause of his troubles. "A middle-aged man, celibate, whose body is always so unhealthy that it makes people worry. His job is to capture the posture of human beings in this era in this world with a pen and put them on paper." What is the cause of the disease if you don’t admit it?It doesn't matter if you don't admit it, but you can say that you despise all the women you have seen, so you put it off, so it may be said.However, there should always be such a woman who can be enamored, born in another place and another family in this world!At some point, this delicate mind should also think of this matter.You should have thought about what kind of woman is a lovely woman, what kind of woman is a woman who can be a wife, and aimless dreams are always dreamed in the younger hearts.

At this time, although you are not there to deal with a love affair or a debt, but just because you dare not pay attention to or clear up this debt, the submergence of consciousness makes it easier for people to become depressed and boring. , I feel that life is close to a kind of hardship. What should be done, because the poison of sophistication is too deep, I think it is a joke, and I have become an extremely emaciated and weak person.Thoughtful thinking can lead to success in career, but it turns out to be a laggard in life.So at this time, he was just still at the table, and he never even had a wild mood.He has no metaphors, no dreams, no gains and losses, so all that is left is emptiness. If a person is born to use actions to support thoughts, and he does what he thinks, he will have no great suffering.If thinking should regulate behavior, then a thinking person can help people's behavior and move forward when it is time to move forward, and he will not suffer greatly.He is one of those people who know that thoughts and behaviors are attached to flesh and bones, and he doesn't want to, and he doesn't do them. He just stays away from everything in vain, but he still feels guilty forever.Unfortunate hell is designed for such people.Although this matter can only be seen by outsiders, he himself will never see the weight of his misfortune. Like everyone else, a change in his life was what he needed.Because all habits are intolerable, like sinking in the mud, the outlet of breath is also gradually stagnant.He also thought of some ways to change his life, except for getting married.In fact, there is nothing more effective than this to relieve him at this time.But he didn't think too much about it, because the so-called "like a joke" ridicule first attacked his mood, and then he simply didn't think about anything. He was bored and rogue, and he slapped his feet on the floor, and the floor made a puffy sound, so he thought of buying shoes again, followed the woman, and when he reached Dadong, he saw the woman talking to the dance floor staff, and turned around.The associations of the shoes under his feet gradually made him lose his mind. He thought that if there was such a woman willing to marry him, he would love her forever no matter how bad she was, she could deceive him with others. , as long as he doesn't know about the deception, it doesn't matter.The woman he thinks of is not the woman he cannot find in the circumstances of his life.Just a little better, a little more complete, is not a difficult thing.The difficulty is that he doesn't connect this desire with reality, so there is no way to get any results.In daily life, there are many women of the same status as him in the society, who are conveniently together. At this time, what he thought was that all women are very common, and human existence is always for other than women, although he said it was impossible. It's nothing other than being a woman, but in front of a woman, he will never admit that he has reason to act like a dick to feel sorry for a woman. This is something that has been tried many times.At another time, when he was walking on the road, it seemed that some women who passed by him took something from him.In short, only he understands his affairs.Sometimes I don't even understand it, and that's the time to have nothing to do.Only at this time does he feel that all intelligence is suddenly lost, and his mood is suddenly out of proportion to his age. He will inevitably destroy the fixed order and become what the world calls a licentious person. What exactly do people live for?I can't figure it out.Every time this happens, it seems that some thorns have grown in my mind, which cannot be pulled out.He could vaguely see the sharpness of the thorn, and he kept pulling it out with his hands vaguely, and his hands seemed to be bleeding.It is good to be able to bleed at this time.It is much better to bleed in everything than to die in a urn. When you see blood, you can shout, moan, or resist with force. But for a person whose heart has been numb, he opened his eyes and saw that he was stiff and far away from the world. He could not stretch out his hand to punch someone, and he could not show anyone the smiling face he could make in front of others.He can't be a good person or a bad person at this time.He only watched others riding past in front of him, and saw the dust flying under the horse's hooves.He saw some people shed tears on vanity and cunning, and saw some people pretending to be coquettish and foolish in front of their relatives.He was dazzled by the flamboyant rhetoric and the spectacular plagiarism of others.He saw eloquent debaters standing on a high platform and lying, and received endless applause and applause.He saw the shadow of the sun moving on the wall. The shadow of the sun was moving on the wall, and when he saw this secret, he suddenly realized something.Decided to go out.The bell was rang, and the page came.This is a pitifully thin person, with thin skin and bones, and the veins on his hands are like canals, which rise and fall in an orderly manner.He saw the page's thin figure and was silent.The footman who had entered, seeing that the master had nothing to say, knew that he was going out, so he took his hat off the shelf and plastered it with his cuff.When he saw the wallet on the floor again, he bent down and picked it up. "Why didn't you buy that medicine when I asked you to?" He didn't answer the errand, just laughed. He said again, "Should the money be..." The footman still laughed. He opened his wallet, took out a five-yuan bill and stuffed it into the hand of the footman, "Remember to buy it this time! I'm worried that you have a lung disease." "Didn't Mr. Zhang check me for me a few days ago? He's still healthy. I think..." The servant didn't listen to what he wanted.He took the fedora from his hand and walked out of the room. On the street, there are many people.The street, which is usually extremely lively, is even more lively today. He sees people.After walking for a long time, I came to a bookstore and went in to have a look.The bookstore is full of young men and women buying books.Seeing these young innocent faces, he was only worried.When I went to the display place where I had several kinds of books, there were more than a dozen people there to choose books.Around New Year's Eve, these young people got some money from their families, so they believed the teacher's words and came to buy his books to read.Seeing these people take money out of their pockets and give it to the bookstore clerk, he thought that if he had money, he should really print 10,000 books and give it to such people.Seeing that these people got the books and couldn't wait to take them back, they browsed in the bookstore, and some felt that the books were too expensive to buy, so they stood by the bookshelf and couldn't bear to let go, so he wanted to go over and say that he could give them away This person has a book. He looked at the faces of every young man who was flipping through his novels, and felt ashamed in his heart, thinking that these people were really good people. If these people knew that the dull and depressed person around them was the author of this pile of collections, how would they look at this person?Thinking of this, he walked over to two young men who looked like middle school students to see what books they were reading.The clerk in the bookstore didn't know him, so he was introducing one of his novels to two students there, and gave him a copy of the book, intending to persuade him to buy one. He saw a book he had made in his hand, the cover was also drawn by himself, and he saw the round face and round eyes of the book shop clerk, who was so cute and friendly, so he nodded and asked the clerk to pack the book.When the two students saw that he bought the book, they seemed to have made up their minds, and they also selected two books to be counted.He smiled at the two young men, wanted to say nothing, and went to another place. When I went to another place, the round-faced guy came again and took another book of his, saying that it was very good and sold well, and that I should buy a copy.He bought another copy.The round-faced guy is really a businessman, thinking that those who came to buy books really believed his propaganda and had admiration for the author, so he took a volume of each of more than ten kinds of collections and put them in front of him, and pointed them out one by one. What is the content of one episode, and what is the content of that episode? It seems that this person has memorized all these books by heart, and is very familiar with the author, and he is also very clear about the author's life temperament. He just smiled at the guy, neither saying yes nor no.For the sake of trust, this guy found some words in his own heart to praise the author's brilliance, this business must be done.After he arrived, he agreed to have one copy of each package, and finally settled the accounts. He asked the guy how much he had a month. The clerk laughed, as if he was shy, and asked twice before he said that he only had food to eat, and he would only get three yuan a month in salary after half a year. "How many years have you been studying?" "Graduated from elementary school." "Can you read novels too?" "Yes. I have read a lot of novels." "Who is happy?" "There are a lot of joys, and this person is also very happy. I just read that travel note yesterday." "You also have time to read novels!" "It's nothing to do at night, me and them, (he pointed to the bigger guy in the distance) are all reading novels. I have also seen Mr. Lu Xun! He has a beard, looks like an official, and he doesn't wear foreign clothes. !” The guy who said this was very happy. Probably it is not easy to have the opportunity to say these things with others in normal times, so it is more lively at this time. While the guy was writing the bill, he also said which writers were wearing western clothes and which ones were wearing long gowns. Unexpectedly, this little brain could remember so many things.Judging from the fact that I am only sixteen years old, I know that there are many people in China at this time, and they will be really great people in the future!However, he remembered that this person would only have a monthly salary of three yuan in half a year, and was at a loss.So he is courteous to book buyers, so he is responsible for the sales of books, and he just eats a little from the boss. The situation in China makes him a little sad. He saw the guy closing the schoolbag with his small hands and handing the bill to the counter to pay the money, and he felt inexplicably sad.When filling out the invoice, the kid also took care of it, saying that if the author came to buy it, it would only be 30% off, and if the author bought a self-published book, the 50% discount would be a good deal.He did not say that he is now buying his own books.He only saw the young man's round face worried.When the clerk gave him the book and the money due in return, he also sent him an advertisement for an appointment with a new book he hadn't published yet. He thought it was the guy who still wanted him to buy an appointment ticket, so he said, "Can I still buy an appointment ticket first?" "Buy it later, I'm afraid this book won't be published next month." He said this softly, and looked around after he said it.This guy took care of his customers because he did business for nearly ten yuan. Originally, the book hadn't been finished yet, but when he heard the guy say to buy an appointment later, he thought that if the book was finished in the future, it would be a sentence specially written for this child.He felt that this young man was a bit greater than himself, and when he stood in front of this pure white soul, he couldn't say anything more.He thought he should let the young man know his thanks, but he didn't speak, and finally left. Even if he could help this person, he doesn't know how to help, and it seems that he is not worthy to help.As for the fellow, he had no other hope, that was quite clear.This person is not looking for peace of mind, he has been standing by the bookcase all day long to do his best for him for countless days.He had neither pride nor resentment, and lived his life.If this person also has the so-called dream of life, what he probably thinks of is that after half a year, with a monthly salary of three yuan, he can buy new white sweaters.When he was the same age as this young man, when he was working as an apprentice in a small restaurant in the countryside, he never dreamed of having three dollars a month.In another ten years, maybe this guy will become another kind of person because of a strange chance, or he will be a committee member if he is smarter, and he will be caught and killed if he is more straightforward.Thinking of this, I feel that this is the case with human affairs, and it is futile to think too much, so I stopped staying at the bookstore and left with the book under my shoulder.Unexpectedly, there was a quarrel in the bookstore at this time, another clerk and two young students became more and more violent, and all the book buyers gathered around.When I asked the reason, I realized that it was because this person bought two books, wrapped them up, and settled the account, but he returned one book and exchanged it for another because he didn't bring much money. However, the guy couldn't change it because the invoice was written. So I advise this person to take money to pick up the book.Originally, both sides had good intentions, but they quarreled for some reason, so he walked over to have a look.I saw that those two people were the ones who were reading his "Blood and Water" earlier, so I asked them what books they wanted to change, and I could go to the cabinet to negotiate with them instead of arguing with the assistant. "We want him to change to XX, but this guy thinks that we have troubled him, so he refuses to change." "Absolutely not. They first asked for two copies of "Blood and Water"!" The man told him. A steward came over, and was about to speak, he pulled the steward behind him, told the steward who he was, and asked the steward to ask his assistant to pick up all his collections on the shelf. Wrapped it up, and when the person who bought the book went out, he gave it to the two young people, saying that the author had given it to them. After he finished speaking, he signed a book on the accountant's counter, and left.He didn't dare to stay outside the bookstore, because he was afraid that the young man would recognize him when he came out, and he would feel bad.It was funny while walking, thinking that what I did today was the most enjoyable thing.He guessed that the two young men must still be surprised, or embarrassed to ask for this book.He also thought that if the boy with round face and round eyes knew about this matter, he wondered how this innocent person would tell another customer what happened today. He walked onto the street, put aside the bookstore business just now, and felt a little empty in his heart again.He saw so many people and cars, saw so many goods, and the wires in the sky, and his indescribable loneliness gradually intensified, and he felt that walking on the main road would not be a problem. He thought it would be better to go home.Just go back.After walking two steps, he saw a rickshaw by the side of the road, so he got on it without haggling about the price, pointed at the front, and asked the driver to pull it forward. The coachman was so smart that when he saw the situation of the people in the car, he thought he was ordered to drive forward.It just so happened that the car ahead was a chartered car, and a woman was sitting in the car. The driver turned around and gave him a knowing smile, and kept chasing the car in front.The matter was obviously misunderstood, but he said nothing, thinking that it would be all right to do so.The car caught up with the black chartered car in front, the woman turned around, saw him, she seemed to know him, she still turned her head away without making a sound.However, the driver who pulled him saw the woman turn around and was encouraged. He was very happy, thinking that the opportunity to get money had come, and he chased the car in front tirelessly.After walking for a while, the woman turned her head again, as if she knew that the car behind her was following her specially, and when she turned her head, she showed a little coquettishness, and he still could only smile. He was a little surprised why he suddenly did such a stupid thing, and why this woman was just a bad woman from Shanghai.He thought it was okay to walk like this, but it would be a little troublesome once he got somewhere.Did it end up making the woman a happy thing, as is usually joked about?Is it so convenient?Let’s just say it’s going on smoothly like this, what will we do when we get there? At one point, the car in front stopped, and the woman entered the flower shop.His coachman also stopped the car, turned around and asked, "..." The two of them did not speak, and he expressed with his mouth that he was still moving forward.The coachman understood the meaning, but as soon as he passed the flower shop, the coachman became confused.Going forward, where to go?The coachman had no choice but to speak, and said, "Where are you going?" "××××." "Is it ××××?" "right." The coachman seemed to get angry, and turned back, because the road he took should go south, but now he was going north.The driver slowed down as he turned back.He wondered why the coachman was angry.He thought, it must be because he didn't enter the flower shop, which disappointed the coachman, so he had to park the car by the roadside.He got out of the car, took out a four-mao Xiaoyang from his wallet, and sent it to the driver.The driver had nothing to say, and the trailer walked across the road to pick up the American sailors.He stood by the side of the street, staring at the way the coachman didn't even have time to wipe off his sweat.After the coachman dragged the sailors away, he turned his head and saw the black chartered car in front of the flower shop again.He suddenly thought that it wouldn't matter if he went in to buy a bunch of flowers, and it wouldn't be a bad thing to go in and have a look. When he got into the flower shop, he saw a white face among the roses.When the man saw someone coming in, he was also looking at him.The woman was the one who turned her head in the car. When she saw him coming in, she smiled first.He wants to go back. the woman shouted: "Mr. Leishi, don't you know me?" He was bewildered, his voice was not familiar, but when he called his name, it seemed that he had seen this woman somewhere before.He turned around and nodded, and took the hat off his head. He looked at the woman for a while, but still couldn't remember who it was.The woman laughed when she saw him go crazy. "You don't know me anymore. I saw your car in the back and thought you were..." "The car in the back?" "Yes! I thought—" "You think I—" The woman smiled innocently and came closer.Rex was at a loss.He thought of how he was dragged and chased by the driver unintentionally, how he got out of the car unintentionally, and how he entered the flower shop unintentionally, and for a moment he couldn't remember who this woman was, but from the woman's love for him From a polite point of view, it must be how the woman's husband or elder brother got acquainted with him. Because of the woman's misunderstanding in the behavior just now, Lei Shi became sad.He felt that this misunderstanding would become a kind of joke, thinking that in the woman's heart, she also thought that he was deliberately doing something close to a prodigal son, and when he returned home, he would inevitably tell his family members and make it laughable.I want to explain, but I don't know how to say it. The woman thought he was reminiscing about their past relationship, so she said: "Sir, it is too easy to forget, on board the Osaka Maru..." "Oh..." "I am Qiu Jun! It's only a little over a year. A lot older?" "You are Qiu Jun! Are you old? My eyes are really...you are more beautiful." "Mr. is joking. ... I know that Mr. lives here. You can always find Mr.'s name in the advertisements of bookstores in the newspapers, but because I am busy recently, I know that Mr.'s place is..." "Why do you say that, I'm just looking for a few guests! I'm so bored, I live here alone. I seem to see your name often in the newspapers! You've improved a lot recently, and you almost make me suspect..." The woman laughed Because she didn't expect that the self a year ago and the self a year later would become so fashionable in NVC's eyes. Because standing in front of him was Qiu Jun who was singing an opera, his previous moment of fear disappeared, and he regained a kind of light.He asked her where she lived now, and if she was still with her mother. "My mother is here too, and... my mother often misses you too! Mr. Lei Shi, you have lost a lot of weight recently. I dare not call you in the car because I am afraid of making mistakes. When I see you walking, Only then did I feel that there was no misunderstanding. Why are you so thin recently, is there something wrong?" Hearing that the woman said that he was thin, he stroked his cheek with his hand, shook his head in a depressed manner, and let out a soft breath. The woman asked again, "Mr. Lei Shi, how is your life recently?...it must be very good. You have published so many books recently. I just bought them at XX Bookstore yesterday and gave them to my mother. She likes to read these books." Plant something." Mr. Lei Shi only smiled reluctantly, and stood beside the pile of flowers without making a sound. "It's a holiday today! The weather is so nice." The woman meant that NVC should have something to talk about when it comes to the weather. Mr. Lei Shi nodded, smiled reluctantly, and said, "The weather is really nice." The woman said, "Mr. Leishi, where are you going?" "Go to the road." "Do you want to buy something?" "I have nowhere to go, so I went to the street to watch other people buy things." "How can you be so depressed?" The woman thought for a while and said, "Mr. Leishi, would you like to come to my place to play? My mother must be very happy to see you!" He shook his head. "Since I have nothing to do, I will go to my house for the holidays. There are not many people in my family, only my mother and I. After dinner, I will go to the theater. If the husband is happy, I will accompany my mother to see my play at the Guangming Theater. " He remained silent.It means yes. At this time, the woman paid attention to the flowers, pointed to a bunch of camellias, and asked Mr. Leishi if it looked good.He even said "very good, very good", but in fact he said this in preparation for his invitation to her home for the holidays, and the answer was unnatural, and the woman also laughed when she saw his lack of control.But because NVC said that the flowers are very good, the woman had to wrap a bunch of flowers in the flower shop if she didn't want them.Later, I saw a bouquet of roses and wrapped them up.When the woman was optimistic about the flowers, she asked NVC, "Have you ever seen a play in this place?" Mr. Leishi shook his head. "You can also see it. The theater here is not like Beijing's, the air is not very bad, and the order is good. Mr. is a novelist, so you should go and see it! We theater people are sometimes more polite than those who go to college Yes, sir, if you know more, you can write a good story!" "I still want to learn acting sometimes! I know it's interesting. It's okay to play tricks, and I will really learn it in the future." "This is a joke! The bookstores don't allow Mr. to learn opera. The Chinese don't agree at all." "Don't they agree! I can play a supporting role or play a flag, and live with you, or it will be a little more lively than the current life." "It's better not to go on stage. You will know it's boring when you are on stage. I hope that my husband will agree to go to my house for the festival, and I will go to Guangming to watch me perform at night. If my husband is happy, I can accompany him to the backstage to watch those women make up. There are many of them here. My friend, there are girls who have studied high school homework!" "Okay, that's it." When the woman saw that he agreed, she looked very happy and said, "What a coincidence today, it's great. Mother is so happy to see Mr.!" Seeing the lively and innocent state of this woman, Lei Shi recalled how he bravely rescued the mother and daughter when they lived in the same official cabin on the Osaka Maru last year when the boat caught fire before sailing. .The past was already in the past and gradually forgotten, who would have thought that a year later, he would accidentally meet this person again in this metropolis.In the past, this woman was just an ordinary actress, if she hadn't met on the boat, the woman's name could only be found in a small corner of the daily drama newspaper, but now she has become a local celebrity in Shanghai, and almost everyone knows it .The ups and downs of personnel and affairs are like the white clouds in the sky, which cannot be controlled by intention at all.Today's NVC is not what NVC ten years ago thought, let alone what ordinary people think.As for living under him at this time, he still feels that life is empty and boundless, it is not known to others. He was happy to see a woman, and he couldn't be unhappy.The woman asked him to accompany her to a few shops to buy some things. He thought he should buy some gifts for the woman's mother, so he said he wanted to buy some things himself.The woman put the flowers on the chartered car and asked the coachman to drag the empty car back first, then walked with Leishi along the road.Lei Shi carefully kept a considerable distance from this woman.The woman is very smart, she noticed this immediately, and understood that Mr. Lei Shi was afraid of being seen by acquaintances, and it was inconvenient for the same female actress to walk, so she walked a bit more carefully. "Mr. Leishi," the woman said, and she stood next to him because she spoke. "Do you often walk on the road here when you have nothing to do?" "This is a very familiar place. It takes a few steps to walk through almost every shop, and I keep it in mind." "Are you writing a novel here?" "Where. If you want to read a novel on the road and find characters, it may be too difficult." "Then why don't you watch a movie?" "Also look at it occasionally, and spend some money on such things when you're bored." "friend?" "There are quite a few people who travel here, but there are very few people who communicate with them. In the past six months, they have all been estranged from them. I am like an old man, and I am not suitable to be with young people." "Mr. Leishi is telling jokes again. My mother often said that Mr. Leishi is just telling jokes in articles, saying that he is too old to be successful. I don't know about Mr. Leishi. I thought he was really a middle-aged man. And it's extremely tasteless..." The woman thought it was funny when she said this, so she didn't say anything else. Mr. Leishi moved a little away from the woman, but still walked.What was on his mind was not the oppression of the weight, but the discomfort. He didn't know what to say, and he couldn't laugh even if he wanted to. They walked in silence for a while, and finally walked into a department store. The woman bought sundries worth more than ten yuan, and he also bought things for twenty yuan. paid.The woman saw that Mr. Lei Shi seldom spoke, as if he was extremely melancholy, and couldn't see the reason why he didn't want to be with her, so she expressed her closeness to Mr. Lei Shi very understandingly, and always tried to express her intimacy in words and attitudes. Make him happy, who knows that this will make Mr. Lei Shi more sad. Normally he would never be silent no matter where he was, but now he was really only silent.The wonder of life was all in this man's heart, and he felt that this was just the beginning.It was only three o'clock, and although it was equally empty and boundless, but before three o'clock and now, there were completely two worlds. If this woman is a slut, Mr. Leishi may talk to her all day because of another interest.If this woman is an ordinary woman of the same status, he can also socialize with her, and in addition, there can be a meaning in standing shoulder to shoulder. He thought about the actor's daily life and thought of the disadvantages, so he dared not leave. He thought that there might be many male and female passers-by on the road who would recognize her as an actress. I also think that there will always be people who know him and think that he is with an actress, and in the future there will be an artificial romantic story.The annoying thing about the story is not that he is really friendly with the actress, but that the fact is not the case, and because of this, the joke has spread, and it has become an absurd story. 女人见到雷士先生情形，知道他在他作品上所写过的呆处又不自然的露出了，心中好笑。为了救治这毛病，她除了即刻陪雷士先生到她家去见母亲，是无别的方法可做，就说到龙飞车行去，叫个黄汽车回去，问雷士先生愿不愿意。 “坐街车不行吗？” “随先生的便，不过坐汽车快一点。” “……”他不说什么，把手上提的东西从左移过右，其中有那一包书保护到他们。 女人说，“我来拿一点东西好不好？” “不妨事，并不重。” “雷士先生，你那一包是些什么。” “书。” “你那么爱买书。” “并不为看买来的，无意中……” “无意中——是不是说无意中到书铺，又无意中碰到我了？” 他们上了汽车后，用每小时二十五哩的速度，那汽车夫一面按喇叭一面把着驾驶盘，车在大马路上奔驰。 雷士先生用买来的物件作长城，间隔着，与那女戏子并排坐到那皮垫上，无话可说。女人见到在两人之间的大小纸包阻碍了方便，把它们移到车座的极右边！就把身镶到他身边来了。然而雷士先生仍然不说话，心中则想的是，“这女子，显然是同别一个人作这样事也很习惯了。”望到这秀美的脸颊，于是他起了一种不大端重的欲望，以为自己做点蠢事。抱到这女人接一个吻，当然在女子看来也是一种平常事。女人这时正把双臂扬起，用手掠理头上的短发，他望到这白净细致的手臂，望一会，又忽然以为自己拘谨可笑得很，找女人说话来了。 他就问：“你除了唱戏还做些什么？” “什么也不做。看点书，陪母亲说点笑话，看看电影，……我还学会了绣花，是请人教的，最近才绣得有一副枕套！” “你还学绣花吗？” “为什么不能学？” “我以为你应酬总不少。” “应酬是有的，但明九不许我同人应酬。往日还间或到别的地方去吃酒，自从有一次被小报上说过笑话后，明九就说不能再同人来往了。明九总以为这是不好的，宁可包银少点也无害，随便堂会是不行的。母亲说明九是个书呆子，但我知道他的脾气，所以我顺了他。” 忽然在女人话中不断出现“明九”的名字，他愕然了。他说，“明九是谁？” 女人笑了。过了一会儿才轻轻的说： “是我当家的，我们是十月间结婚的。” 本来并无心想和这女子恋爱进一步相熟的雷士先生，这时听到这话，却忽然如跌到深渊里去了。仿佛骤然下沉，半天才冒出水面，他略显粗卤的问道：“是去年十月结婚的？” “是的，因为不告给谁，所以许多人都不知道。报上也无人提过。明九顶不欢喜张扬，这人脾气有点怪，但是实在是个好人。” “我完全相信，自然是个好人！他也唱戏吗？” “不。他是北京大学毕业的。原本我们是亲戚。我说到你时，他也非常敬仰先生！他去安徽了，一时回不来。我到三月底光明方面满了约，或者也不唱戏了，同母亲过安徽去，那边有个家。” 雷士望到这女人的脸，女人因为在年长的人面前说到自己新婚的丈夫，想到再过两三月即可到丈夫身边去，欢乐的颜色在脸上浮出，人出落得更其光艳了许多。 车到新世界转了个弯，两人的身便挨了一下。 雷士先生把身再离远了女人一点，极力装成愉悦的容色，带笑说道：“秋君小姐，那你近来一定顶幸福了。” “先生说幸福，许多人也这样说！母亲和人说，明九也很幸福。其实母亲比我同明九都幸福，先生，是不是？” “自然是的。”他歇了一歇又慢慢的说，“自然你们一家都是幸福的。”他又笑，“苦了多少年，总算熬出来了。应当幸福！” “先生，你说的话使我想起你××上那篇文章来了，你写那个中年人见了女人说不出话的神气，真活象你自己！” “你记性那样好！” “哪里是记性好。我一听你说话，就想起你小说里那个人模样神气，真象，怪可怜的。只是你可不是那样潦倒的人。” “我不是那种人吗？对了。”他打了个哈哈，“你太聪明了，太天真了，年青人，你真是有福气的。到家时为我替老人家请安，问好，这些东西全送给老人家，我改日来奉看，如今我还有点事，要走了。”他见到前面交通灯还红，汽车还不能通过，就开了左边车门下去了。 女人想拉他已赶不及，雷士把车门关上了。女人急命车夫不忙开车，把门拉开，想下车追赶雷士先生。雷士先生已走进大世界的大门，随到一群人拥进闹嚷嚷的人丛中，待到女人下车时，已无雷士先生的影子。 他糊糊涂涂进了大世界，糊糊涂涂跟随那来自城乡各处一群人走到一个杂耍场去，糊糊涂涂坐下，喝着卖茶人送来的茶，情绪相当混乱。喝了一口茶，听到那台上小丑喊了一句“先生，今天是过节”，他想起他那么匆忙下车似失礼貌，且忘了问这女伶住址，便有点懊悔了。待到那卖茶的送果盘来时，他从皮夹中取出一张一元钞票，塞到“茶博士”手中，踉踉跄跄的又走出杂耍场，走出大世界，到了那先前一刻下车的地方。他估想或者女人还在等候他，谁知找他不见的女人，早已无踪无影。 他走到刚才那停车处，这时前面灯又呈出红色，一辆汽车正停在那里，他望到一车中是两个年青男女，坐紧挤在车中一角。他真想跳上车去打这年青男子一顿。然而前面灯一转绿色，这车又即刻开去，向前跑了，他只有在那路旁搓手。 今天的一切事使这个未老先衰的人头脑发昏。究竟是不是真经过了这种种，他有点疑惑起来了。他在下车时，匆忙中把自己买的几本书也留到车上了。他不能想象这时车上的女人是怎样感想，因为再想这女人，他将不能不在这大路上忍住他的眼泪了。 他究竟是做错了事，还是把事情做得很对？自己也并不知道。 他想，应当在这里等候到天夜，从夜到天明，或许总有一时这个女人会由原地过身，见到他还在此不动，或者就会下车来叫他上车。 他又想回到龙飞车行去，等候那女人坐的汽车回时，就依然要那车夫再送一趟，就可以在她正和她母亲谈说到他时，人就在门外按铃。 ……还是回家去好，时间已将近六点，路灯有些已放光了。 他今天，若不出门，则平平稳稳的把这几点钟消磨到一种经常性寂寞中，这一天也终于过去了。“也许这时回家，到了家，又当有什么事发生，”他正象不甘平凡，以为天也不许他平安过这一天，还留得有另一巧事在家中等候，这样打量着，跳上一部街车，当真回家了。 他又坐到窗前，时间是入夜七点了。 家中并没有一件希奇的事等候他。他在家中也不会等候出希奇的事情来。他要出门又不敢出门了，他温习这一天的巧遇。 这时土蜂窠已见不到了。 这时那圆脸的卖书的小伙计，大致也放了工，睡到小白木床上，双脚搁到床架上，横倒把头向灯光，在那里读新小说了。 这时那得了许多书籍的两个中学生，或者正在用小刀裁新得的书，或用纸包裹新书，且互相同家中人说笑。 这时得了礼物的女人，是怎么样呢？这事情他无法猜想，也无勇气想下去了，不知为什么，印象中却多了个“明九”！ 他坐在那里，玩味白天的事情。他想把自己和这女人的会晤的情形写一首诗。写一两张，觉得不行，就把纸团成球丢到壁炉里去了。他又想把这事写一小说，也只能起一个头，还是无从满意，就又将这一张纸随意画了一个女人的脸，即刻把它扯成粉碎。他预备写一封信给××书店，说愿意每月给五块钱给那圆脸伙计供买书和零用，到后又觉得这信不必写，就又不写了。他又预备写一封信给那两个青年，说希望同他们做朋友，也不能下笔。他又想为那女戏子写一封信，请求她对他白天的行为不要见怪，並告给她很愿意来看她们母女。 他当真就写那最后所说的一信，极力的把话语说得委婉成章，写了一行又读一次，读了又写一句。他在这信上说着极完满的谎，又并不把心的真实的烦闷隐瞒。信上混合了诚实与虚伪两种成分，在未入女人目以前，先自己读着就坠泪不止。 没有一个人明白他伤心的理由，就是他自己在另一时也恐怕料不到这时的心情。他一面似乎极其伤心，一面还在那里把信继续写下。钟打了八点，街上有人打锣鼓过去的，锣鼓声音使他遽然一惊，想起写信以外的事了。他把业经写了将近一点钟的三张信稿，又拿在手上即刻撕成长条了，因为街头的锣鼓喧阗，他忆及今夜光明戏院的种种。 想到去，就应当走，不拘如何，也应当到那里看去。看看热闹。 到了光明戏院，买了个特别花楼的座。到里面才明白原来时间还早，楼下池子与楼上各厢还只零零落落，上座不及一半。戏院的时钟还只八点二十分。他决计今夜当看到最后，且应当是最后一个出戏院的人，用着战士的赴敌心情，坐到那有皮垫的精致座椅上了。 一个茶房走过来，拿着雪白毛巾，热得很，他却摇摇头。 “要什么茶？毛尖，雨前，乌龙，水仙，祁门……”“随便。” “吃点什么？” "casual." “要不要××特刊？今天出的。这里面有秋君的像，新编的访问记。”这茶房原来还拿得有元宵××特刊，送到他手上时，很聪明的不问及钱，留下一本，就泡茶去了。他就随意的翻那有像片的地方看。 不到一会那茶房把盖碗同果盘全拿来了，放到雷士身边小茶几上，垂手侍立不动。这茶房，一望即知是北派。雷士问他是不是天津人，茶房笑说是的。是天津卫生长的，到上海已七八年。 雷士翻到秋君的一张照相，就说：“这姑娘的戏好不好？” 茶房笑，说，“台柱儿一根，不比孟小冬蹩脚！小报上说好话的可多咧。” “今天什么时候上场？” “十一点半。要李老板唱完《斩子》，杨老板唱完《清官册》，才轮到她，是压轴戏。” “有人送花篮没有？” “多极啦。这人不要这个，听别人说去年嫁了个大学生，预备不唱戏了。” “嫁的人是内行不是？” “是学生，年青，标致，做着知事。我听一个人说的，不明白真假。我恐怕是做县长的小太太，多可惜。” “她有一个母亲，也常来听戏吗？” “'听戏'，这里说'看戏'！上海规矩全是说看戏！” “我问你，这老太也常来？” “今天或者要来吧。老太太多福气，养了小闺女儿比儿子强得多，这人是有福气的人！” “她同人来往没有？我听说好象相交的极多。” “谁说！这是好人，比这里女学生还规矩，坏事不做，哪里会极多！” “用一点钱也不行吗？” “您先生说谁？” “这个！”雷士说时就用手指定那秋君便装相。 “那不行。钱是只有要钱的女人才欢喜的。这女人有一千一百块的包银，够开销了。” “我听人说象……” “……”茶房望了一望这不相信的男子，以为是对这女人有了意，会又象其他的人一样，终会失望，就在心中匿笑不止。 这时在特别包厢中，另一茶房把两个女人引到厢中了，包厢地位在正中前面，与雷士先生坐处成斜角，故坐下以前回头略望的那一个年青女人，一眼就望到雷士了。她打了招呼，点点头，用手招雷士先生，欢喜得很。又忙到她母亲耳边轻轻的告给这老人，说雷士先生就坐到后侧面花楼散座上。老女人这时也回了头，雷士不得不走过包厢去。那天津茶房才明白雷士问话的用意，避开了。 他过去时，望到老太说不出一句话，他知道女人必已经把日间的事一一告给这母亲了，想起自己行动在这一个女戏子母女面前，这作家真是窘极丑极了。 那母亲先客客气气的说谢谢雷士先生送了那样多礼物，真不好意思。又说秋君不懂事，不邀请先生到家里来过节，又不问好地址，所以即刻要她到书局去问，才知道先生住处。待打发车夫到住处邀先生来戏院时，又说不在家了。雷士听说这母女还到书局去问，还到自己住处去接，更不知道如何说话了。他当然只好坐到这里，坐下以后又同这母亲谈谈若干旧事，这老人总不忘记帮助过她母女的雷士先生，且极诚恳的说到如何希望他身体会比去年好一点，如何盼望看见他，又如何欢喜读他的小说。女人则一言不发，只天真的伏在那母亲椅背，笑着望她妈，又望雷士先生。 雷士先生象在地狱中望到天堂的光明，觉得一切幸福忧患皆属于世界所有人类，人与人，在爱憎与其他上面，原都是那么贴紧黏固成整个，但自己则仍然只是独自一人，渺不相涉。虽然在许多地方，许多人，正如何对他充满好意的关心，然而在孤独中生长的人，正如在冰雪中生长的虫一样，春风一来反而受不住了。他听到那做母亲的说到对他关心的话，就深深的难过。他听到那做母亲的十分快乐的把秋君的新婚相告，仿佛告诉一个远方归来的舅父甥女适人的情形，他只是微笑听下去。她还告他秋君的丈夫是个什么样人物，在安徽做些什么事，幸好戏台上在打仗，披了头发赵子龙出了马门一阵混战开始了，话才暂时稍息。 老太太注意舞台上打仗去了，把话暂停，雷士才得了救，极其可怜的望到伏在椅背上一对黑眼珠放光的秋君。秋君也望他，望到他时想起日间的事，秋君轻轻的问，为什么日间要走，有什么不爽快事情。 “不是不爽快，我有事情。” “你的事我知道。在……上也有那样一句：”我有事，'这是一个男子通常骗自己的话，不是么？ " “亏你记得这样多。” “你是这样写过！你的神气处处都象你小说上的人物，你不认账么！” “我认了又有什么办法？你是不是我写过的女子呢？” 秋君诧异了，痴想了一会，眼睛垂下不敢再望雷士了。在这清洁的灵魂上，印下一个不意而来的黑色戳记了，她明白在身边两尺远近的男子对她的影响了，过了许久才用着那充满热情与畏惧的眼光再来望雷士先生。 “你这样看我做什么？”雷士先生说，说时舌也发抖。 女人不做声，却喊她的母亲。母亲虽回了头，心却被赵云的枪法吸引祝“妈。”女人喊她的妈，不说别的，就撒娇模样把头伏到她母亲肩上去，乱揉。 "What's the matter?" “我不愿意看这个了。” “还不到你的时间！还有一点多钟才上装！” “不看了吧。” “你病了吗？” "No." “到哪里去？” “玩去，”她察看了腕上的手表，“还有两小时，我们到金花楼去吃一点东西去。” “你又饿了吗？” “不。我们到那里去坐坐，我心里闷得很。” “好，我们去，我们去。雷士先生，我们一道去，高不高兴去呢？雷士先生，若是不想看这戏，我们就去玩玩吧，回头再来看阿秋的×××。” 雷士先生不做声，只望这女人，心中又另外是一种空洞，也可以说仿佛是填了一些泥沙，这泥沙就是从女人眼中掘来的。 女人极其不耐烦的先站起身来，象命令又象自己决定的说，“去！”雷士不由得不站起身子。这时女人极力避开雷士，不再望雷士，且把眉微蹙，如极恨雷士先生，不愿意与他在一个地方再坐。雷士先生则只觉到自己是无论如何将掉到这新掘的井里了，也不想逃，也不想喊，然而心中怔忡，却仍然愿意自己关了房门独在一间房里，单独来玩味这件事，或仍然在大街上无目的的行走，倒反而轻松许多。 在汽车中，雷士先生与那做母亲的坐在两旁，秋君坐正当中，头倚在母亲肩上，心绪极其不宁，时常转动，不说一句话。雷士先生也无话可说，只掉头从车窗方面望外边路上的灯。他除了这样办，再也想不出另外一种方法了。他有点害怕这事的进展了，他不避退是不行的。虽然退，前面一个深坑他依然看到，那里面说不定是一窖幸福，然而这幸福是隐在黑暗中的，要用手去摸，所摸到的或者是毒蛇，是蜥蜴都不可知。 他到这个时候又依然不能忘记那个作知事的年青大学生，他且不能忘记自己的地位。他记得这母亲方才在包厢中提到那新夫婿时的态度，也记得女人在日里提到她丈夫的态度，想起这些他有点不敢相信自己了。在一切利害计算上神经过敏比感觉迟钝是更坏一点的，所以他又宁愿意仍然作为不了解女人的心情那样来与那母亲谈话了。 然而做母亲的见到女儿心中烦躁，却不来与雷士先生谈话，只把女儿搂在怀里，贴着女儿的脸。雷士先生就在那一旁，懊悔自己白天做错了事，把一种机会轻易放去。又觉得自己实在蠢得可笑。 到了金花咖啡馆门前，雷士先生先下了车。其次是女人，下车以前先伸出手来，给他，他只得把手捏着，扶女人下来，又第二次把那做母亲的也扶下来，在这极其平常的小小节奏中，雷士先生的心正如一缕轻烟，吹入太空，无法自主。他仿佛所要的东西，在这些把握中就得到了。又仿佛女人是完全天真烂漫，早把在戏场时的事早已忘掉，因为女人一入这大咖啡馆，听到屋角的小提琴唱片，在奏谷弗乐曲子，又活泼如日里在那花店买花时情形，假装的病全失去了。 找到一个座位后，雷士先生为了掩饰自己的弱点起见，把忧郁转成了高兴，夷然坦然的去同那母亲谈话，又十分大方的望着女人笑，女人也回笑，这样一来，大家可以无须乎具有任何戒心，纵或在身体方面免不了有些必然的事，在心上倒可以不必受苦，方便自由多了。她要雷士先生始终对这种心情同意，故向雷士先生说，“这里不比戏场，同母亲说话，是不怕被锣鼓搅扰的。” “是的，我忘记问老人家了，过年也打点牌玩吗？” “没有人。白天阿秋不唱戏，我就同她两个人捉皇帝，过五关，这几天也玩厌了，看书。” “我听说老人家还能看书，目力真好。” “谢谢雷士先生今天送的一包书，还有那些礼物。我阿秋说这是雷士先生送我的，我见到这样多的东西时，骂阿秋不懂事。阿秋倒说得好，她说书应当归她所有，东西归我，好笑。雷士先生，你对我们的好处，我们真不好说感谢的话了，天保佑你得一个——”“妈妈，”女人忽然抢着说，“什么时候我们过杭州去？” “你说十八到二十没有戏，就十八去。” “十八！”女人故意重复说及十八，让雷士先生听到，且伶俐的示意雷士先生，请他注意。 雷士先生说，“喔，十八老人家过杭州吗？” “阿秋说去玩两天，乘天气好，就便把嗓子弄好点。她想坐坐船了，想吃素菜了，所以天气好就去。雷士先生近来是……”女人又抢着说，“妈，我们住新新，住大浙？” “就住后湖新新，随你意思。” 女人又说，“雷士先生，你近来忙不忙？” “……忙什么？” “事情多吧？” “无聊比事情还多。” “无聊为什么不也趁天气好和我们一同到杭州去玩几天？” 雷士先生不好如何说话。 女人又向她母亲说，“妈，若是雷士先生没有事情，能同我们一起去，就好极了。” “恐怕雷士先生不欢喜同我们在一块玩。” 雷士先生就说，“没有什么，不过我……”“十八去，好极了。雷士先生你不要同我妈说不去，天气好，难得哩。” “当真去吗？”