Chapter 2 Thin cold

She is a history and geography teacher at No. X Middle School in this city. When she got a letter, she cried.For several days she wanted to cry very much.It is the same every month. When it comes to the tenth day of the lunar new year, people are not very happy. They never have disputes with others, and their life is still the same as usual: go to the third classroom to learn Mandarin, go to Xicheng to attend conferences, and go to Normal University. Going to see old classmates... everything is as usual, but I get angry easily, get tired easily, and cry easily.No one knows her temper.But who would she want to know?Mi Si Zhou, Mi Si Ling, or——all are useless.No one ever offended her.She has no grievances, and she doesn't need anyone's sympathy or care.

She believed in that: ...I want to die, I am really useless in this world. ... I don't play with them, and I don't talk to them. No one knows me. ……weather is good.Sometimes cold, sometimes hot, everyone is busy.I am too free. ...I often think that men are stupid things. Letters are meaningless.Emotions are trivial and concepts are disordered.This is a letter written by a former classmate who was a teacher at Shandong Women's Normal College. It talks about the feelings of an unmarried woman when her ordinary melancholy heart is troubled by an ambiguous desire. If she wrote to anyone at this time, she would definitely say that.She doesn't understand what she needs, what she lacks.A regular job, some ordinary passing of human relations, and some trifling things are boring.Usually can generate interest, but at this time she also feels bored.What should she do?For any woman, she seems to be useless to vanity, money, clothes, and the ambiguous attention of a half-baked man.She is rich and has a considerable status.Clothes are not the opposite of what is fashionable.In the end, it is the man who loves a little bit. This is more because the appearance is above the average person, and at the same time there is no lack of a good temperament. Colleagues in all aspects, pay attention.Among the male colleagues, naturally there is no shortage of handsome and gentle characters who make passersby burn with jealousy when they walk on the road.However, these people seem to be far away from her.

There are so many colleagues, many of them have blushed in front of her.Many people became another person because of her when she came to this school.She sees these things very clearly.A woman who is over twenty years old, usually physically and mentally healthy, has received a full education opportunity, and has a kind heart and tenderness that is not manifested in other careers. Regarding the direction of probing a man's heart, she is usually endowed with a special kind of personality. instinctive.The gifted quiet and soft temperament has a special sensitivity to men.She sees everything.Just because of "seeing", he was sad.

Many people write poems and novels there, and they want to love others and need others to love them.Many pitiful confessions have been published in magazines, so brave and absurd that one cannot believe it.News of many suicides due to lovelornness can be seen every day.A rhythm beyond the system in society, powerful, shook her heart.If there is a power more stubborn than words that wants to conquer her, she is willing to be conquered.She often imagined the glory of surrendering to that almost barbaric passion.She needs a kind of oppression in her heart, and this oppression should come from a man's direct, private, and non-negotiable spirit.However, in her life, there were no such encounters.When calling these "disasters", although there is no lack of qualifications to encounter "disasters", the real or seemingly real "disasters" have never come to the head.Her past on this matter is a blank page, there is almost no past.

A group of men in front of them, slightly warm, polite and tidy, these things are all things that are far from enthusiasm.Some people have done the behaviors that they think can win the victory, the polite behavior, the tactful and elegant letters, the flattery with a little boast, all the behaviors that must be gentlemanly in social situations.The unexpected was their failure.None of them understood the reason for the failure.They all think that a woman has no lack of overlapping barriers in her heart. The so-called tactician to overcome this barrier, first, is "gentleness".Second, be gentle.On the one hand, because of self-defense caution, she is so timid that it makes women laugh. What is the use of this gentleness?"Useless" can be used as the basis, and women's sympathy can be obtained from "compassion". Naturally, many people in the habit actually treat themselves to a happy paradise in this way.However, if you want her, that will not work.She doesn't need anything from a man, except this kind of man who pretends to be affectionate and warm.

It was late autumn.All those who waste spring and summer, dreams of happiness, hopes of a sharp change in life, designs bordering on absurdity, fade away like autumn.All the men who lacked courage in summer and wanted to plant the seeds of love in her heart now think that this matter is completely hopeless, and live a more depressed life in frustration than before.All the men who knew the absurdity at first, or wanted to learn the absurdity, thought that they had misjudged the person, admitted failure, and paid attention to other aspects.She hadn't explained her strength in front of a certain man in spring and summer, and now, naturally, she would have no chance.

She was always running on a wild fantasy, but never set her life on a concrete dream, nor on a real acquaintance.All human disputes have nothing to do with her.She appeared a little withdrawn, but that was no excuse for withdrawn behaviour.She doesn't hate men, but she doesn't give any convenience to those weak men.She was by no means a slut, but she did not refuse the persecution of an extreme debauchery.She waits for such a person.Her chastity was reserved for this brave and passionate man, and would be sacrificed to this persecution. At this time, she was crying.She is troubled.She can't sleep.She doesn't want to talk to anyone.

The only thing I can do is to run out and prepare myself to go to some secluded place where I can sit alone and have no one to pester me, to cry aloud and vent my stagnation. , took the wallet, and walked out of the school deliberately not to let the colleagues notice.Unexpectedly, I met a colleague in front of the school gate and nodded to her. I didn't have the habit of stuttering in class, but now I stuttered and wanted to say something but couldn't say it. The clothes are not commensurate with the age.He asked where she was going, meaning that if there was an order, he would accompany her.She looked at her with disgusting and contemptuous eyes, smiled proudly, and left this place and this person in a hurry.

On the way, many students saw her and saluted her.She thought that young people in their twenties should be reckless, have a heart to jump up and resist under the pressure of habit, and should have some ambitions that cannot be achieved. Who knew that my colleague taught these students to be like himself, all because of wanting In politeness, it makes people feel good, and it all appears close to hypocrisy and slickness. Seeing a student salute her, she thought, another hypocrite, thank your teacher.A stupid thing, a thing that knows nothing!Is there no student who travels without someone who is troubled by her beauty because of her ambition?They salute, they don't avoid it, isn't it a manifestation of improper behavior?However, people are all so healthy and young, so why is it that no one can get rid of the so-called "gentleness" in the world, adopt a method that is contrary to morality, and sacrifice everything for the sake of achieving a handshake or a hug? ?Because she was a gentleman by name, she didn't even dare to violate her heart. She felt an inexplicable disgust for these hopeless young people.

She went to the street, the autumn street, and everywhere she saw melon rinds, a kind of leftovers, a kind of dregs, and she felt that her life had the same sentiment, so she got into the car. Went to ××× to play for a while.look at people.look at the tree.I can see Qiu Duxian's branches and diseased leaves, being blown by the wind on the flat ground, and running away in small steps.She went to see the fish again, but the fish was also haggard, for some reason.The tourists are all gentlemen.The real gentleman is old-fashioned, with wives and concubines, and sons in groups.The fake gentleman has a very pale face, neat clothes, and his eyes are wandering here and there.She had a worse impression of false gentlemen than any other.She purposely sat in a place where no one was around, and for the idly eyes of the fake gentleman saw, coming alone or in two, the vulgar look of a greedy dog, the cowardly behavior she had never learned from somewhere, Heart tightened, eyes slanted slightly, stopped for a while to see if it was not the way, and still walked leisurely.Naturally, there are many high-class people, many professors, masters and bachelors.That's what they do, aside from their usual politeness.They are poets who make love poems.They are the intellectual class.Knowledge makes these people so pathetic, so hypocritical.

She saw some soldiers again, and the soldiers who came here were all ridiculously well-behaved, not commensurate with the morality of soldiers in ordinary people's conception. Then go to the greenhouse.Some flowers, successfully cultivated from the greenhouse, have no strong fragrance and lack of dazzling color, which is equal to the popular love, which is meaningless.Yet she sat in the greenhouse.There are few people who come here to sit down, but there are many passers-by. She can see everything about others with her eyes.She remembered that the military academy student she had just seen didn't even raise her head when she walked in front of a woman, which was not at all similar to the legendary soldiers who usually "rape and plunder".Do soldiers really live by killing and setting fire?Are soldiers worse than those brought up in cities?Those who are good at spreading rumors and have the knowledge to be tools for spreading rumors and doing evil, is everything they do more reasonable than soldiers?Their bravery is fighting.Simple and unadorned, for a seemingly meaningless sacrifice.They have done it without exaggerating or concealing it.They never justify the evils that others have done to them, they have no plots, no predetermined plans.They... At that time, another soldier came.A long-faced man with the air of a countryman, a northerner-type man.With both hands in the pockets of the saddlebag, he walked with heavy steps on the brick floor, looking forward, as if he was thinking about something commensurate with the magnificence of his body, and it passed away.She felt a slight oppression in her heart.Magnificent and simple beauty dangles before your eyes.She saw the man turned a corner and disappeared, as if something invisible had dropped from her heart.She thought: This is someone who can kill.Thinking about it, the man turned his head, and walked in front of him with heavy steps, stepping on the brick floor.It was as if the weight of every step fell on her heart.She remained silent, watching the huge gray figure disappear behind a checkered door.She still thought: This is something that can kill people...Loneliness overwhelmed her heart. It seems that there is no other way than letting this person invade and threaten yourself for a while. A kind of absurd imagination unfolds in front of my eyes.She felt she needed that soldier. She is willing to be deceived, abandoned, and trampled, as long as the person is courageous.If someone kowtows to ask for something that is not allowed, if this person uses force to force her, she will surrender willingly.She is not obsessed with this kind of happiness to dedicate herself to others.She doesn't want thanks for what she can do.She just expects a stubborn person to add to her with stubborn behavior, and the weight of the loss is irrelevant.What she wants is the opposite of human nature, because of her, she loses all constraints and does what is in line with nature. A thrilling wave, a chance to shed tears and blood, was what she was looking forward to.But where to look for these things?The sky is green, and the sky doesn't care about these things.The world is full of timidity, prudence, unnatural lying.It is said that those who are in love should be as timid as a mouse and as weak as a reed.These people lack heat and light, and think that a woman's heart can only be conquered in the vanity of clothing, so they compete only in their own clothing business, and use these things to show off in front of women.They also often boast, thinking that because of education or talent, they know that women are the only ones.In fact, there are no such modern men who are so shameless and stupid. She sat, silent, thinking of all the stupidities of men, and not understanding when she thought of someone standing beside her.Coughed.She looked up and saw someone coming.a colleague.A fool's fool.A man who taught physics and never forgot the formulas but knew nothing about women. "What? Mysterin, are you here alone?" "I came alone, I can't think of it—" The man was dumb, and the emotion of admiration choked his throat, as if trembling in a kind of pain. She thought to herself, "Why didn't you say that you came to see me?" She knew that he wanted to say, "Please let me walk with you for a while." But because of his cowardice and stupidity, she slightly despised this coincidence and turned her face to him. It is said elsewhere: "There are quite a lot of people in the garden today." The man said like a parrot, "There are quite a lot of people today." She kept silent, to see if the man would walk or not. The man didn't leave, and turned around meaninglessly, pitifully, to pluck the fine buds of asparagus in the flower pot. A policeman came slamming his leather boots, and the man quickly withdrew his hands.The woman smiled, and the man seemed extremely embarrassed, not knowing what to do. The man's career she imagined, under the current evidence, has completely turned her heart cold.After a while of silence, seeing that the man hadn't left, he said, "Mysterin, shall we go for a walk?" The man said sadly: "Okay." He left first.After arriving, he walked back.Everything was totally inappropriate and bored her.Whose fault is this?She has given him all the convenience that a woman can give.All the encouragement, all the hints...but all to no avail, this man is such a languid thing. Because the man is a good-for-nothing man, the woman turns to the brave side of the man.She asked half mockingly and half pityingly: "Misterine, are you sick?" "..." "When the weather comes to autumn, people tend to be unhappy." "..." "There will be fewer people here after a while." "..." The man's silence is obviously a soft strategy, a weapon that is almost the same as the woman's tears, asking for pity, sympathy, and... She sees it clearly, but doesn't care at all. They walked for a while.After a while, the man's restraint has gradually lost, and he is close to a man's identity, although the nagging when he doesn't have to speak, the unnatural attentiveness, and the selfless obedience all make her feel uncomfortable. She doesn't need people to surrender before her. What she needs is a man.Seeing the present one thinking about the future, she became angry. She wants to try it.Arranging the plan thus, said: "I'm sorry, Mysterin, I have something to do and I have to go." "Just go back?" "No." "...?" "It's boring here too." The man looked up at the sky and thought for a while, and when he had nothing to say, he fell silent again. He should move on.We should do something more useful than silence.If you say you want to go, then you can't, you have to play.Otherwise, let's go, I will accompany you.Otherwise, are you bored, go elsewhere, I have plenty of places.That's it, it's done.She expected such a strong and unreasonable word, but it never came from the man's mouth.He doesn't even dare to speak wildly, so is he worthy of being called a man?She felt that she really had to leave, said nothing, did not look back, did not apologize to him, and left.The man is heartbroken. Dignity is lost.She stared at this graceful figure in a daze. He thought, his head was a little dizzy, he lost his rational balance, and couldn't think.He caught up.He ran, ran, bypassed the rockery, and over the railing. The woman was under the pine tree in front of him. He rushed to the woman, like a thug, blocking the way.His face changed color and his whole body trembled.She was also a little surprised when she saw him, knowing what he would say. She purposely looked at him calmly, as if saying with her eyes, "Why, stupid thing? Just do it! " The man also looked at her. The man is depressed.The power is gone.The mouth that was about to speak was blocked by something again, he only made a gesture, as if to hug, as if to say how much I love you, but turned around and ran away. At this point, it is really a completely irremediable mistake! She stood there numbly, and seemed a little dizzy.With a forced smile, he hurriedly sat down on a long chair. She thought: Who is wrong? It was late at night, and the wind picked up among the treetops. Gradually, I felt a little cold. She got up.I walked around aimlessly, and when I came to a place where there were lotus flowers, I saw the officer I saw in the greenhouse sitting on a bench, looking down at the residual lotus.She went around from behind and sat on the same stool with the man without hesitation. Women in the new era, how calm-headed and able to observe everything quietly, no one has described this temperament in detail in a record.As for her, at this time, she didn't think about whether her behavior was resisting or walking on the road of degeneration. She and the soldier became acquaintances in a very short period of time, and the officer was still silent before, although this silence has obviously turned to pay attention to the strange behavior of the woman... "Who are you telling me?" He asked like this She is the third time. "I am me. You see, my nose, my eyes, everything on my body is me, not anyone else." "Abode?" This is also the third time. "You know it's useless." So did the third reply. "Home?" The home he wants to know is a clue that can lead to life from home. "No." She told him no, and then said, "This is not about preparing for a biography." "Do something?" "Guess for yourself, put me in someone's place, that's it. I don't object to your wild imagination. I don't have to tell you what I do. What you say I am is all up to you. You Say I am..." "You are very cute, so it is not a bad thing to let you know more." "You love me, you love my body, and you feel happy when you're beside me. That's enough. You know I don't hate you. You need to know what else is good for you." "You're a bit weird." "But you still suspect that I'm a local whore, as if only a whore would make do with a man like this." He stopped talking, and hugged her body from behind a little recklessly. She has an unbridled desire.She was clearly sitting next to the soldier.She enjoys everything wantonly, cuddling boldly and fearlessly.She got all she wanted.Everything that was thought to be a heartbeat at first seems to be a very common thing now.She wanted that ridiculous point, she wanted him to look like a man. She knew the man was a man, with enthusiasm and a gentlemanly character, a figure who worked as an instructor in the Aviation Department, and she was very satisfied with her adventure.She made the man kiss his hands but smiled, remembering the terrified cat's face of her useless colleague. People are leaving. "Are you going? Where are you going? Let's go to eat! We are good friends now! ..." "No. No need to eat. I'm going home.—" "tomorrow?" "I still come here." "Don't lie to me." "Do you think I'm a woman who lies for something?" "I'm waiting for you here, use my heart, light a fire, let it burn..." She sneered, "A soldier, also come to write poetry. Women don't take pride in the fact that a man can speak nice words I come whenever I like, and when I don't like—" "It's your freedom. But you know, I'd like to be nice to you. You're a lovely person. You're really..." "You That's what a smart person would say." She said this but thought, "But you still think it's a prostitute, so don't come here tomorrow." He sent her out of the park, and respected her opinion, not to go with her.She walked east through Tiananmen Square under the lights.She still goes.She felt that she had a dream, and she was still in a dream, so she wasn't afraid, didn't regret, no... got in the car.The new autumn wind blows on her face, and she smiles. "Men in the world are all stupid things." Summer 1930