Chapter 5 ashore

Once upon a time, I didn't even know what despair was.But at that time, a few days ago, I had an experience.I feel that the world has suddenly become gray and eclipsed, I am indifferent to everything, I feel uncomfortable in my throat, thinking that it is all over, there is no way out, there is no redemption.Because I lost all the tickets of our family, and the people in the bureau would not believe my words, so they reissued them for me. We can’t do anything to buy them on the black market. I really don’t want to steal them. Besides, It is impossible for so many people to steal.Mom, Dad, the two older kids, Carl and Gretel, me, and the little one who was still nursing.Both my mother’s ration card and my father’s heavy labor ration card were lost. I lost them all, a whole pack. I suddenly found something missing on the tram, and I didn’t look for it or ask anyone.Anyway, it was a waste of effort, I thought, who would hand over the tickets they picked up?And there are so many, with mother's ration card and father's heavy labor ration card...

At this time, I understood what despair is.I got off the train a few stops ahead of time, and immediately walked towards the Rhine, I wanted to throw myself into the river.But when I came to the bare, deserted avenue and saw the calm gray water, I thought, it's not easy to throw myself into the river, but I want to do it.I think it will take a long time to die, but I am willing to die quickly and suddenly.Anyway, I have a home and can't go back.Mum would be absolutely helpless, and Dad would give me a good beating and say, what a disgrace, such a big lad, almost seventeen, who can't do anything, not even the black market, such a big guy The young man told him to queue up to buy lard, but he lost all the tickets.Lard was not available either.I waited for three hours, and the lard was sold out.However, Mom and Dad's place may pass soon.It's just that we have nothing to eat and no one will give us anything.People from the Economic Bureau will laugh at us, because we have already lost several ration cards, and we have nothing to sell, so we have to steal, it is impossible for so many people to steal...

No, I had to jump into the river, because I didn't have the guts to throw myself under the Yankee's big, heavy car.There are many cars driving along the Rhine, but there is no one on the boulevard.The streets were bare and deserted, and there was a cold, cold wind blowing from the fast-flowing river.I walked straight on, and then, wondering to myself, I soon came to the end of the boulevard.Trees flash past me, fall and disappear like sticks, and I don't want to look back.In this way I ran quickly to the end of the boulevard, where the Rhine became a little more open, there was a dock for pleasure boats, and a little further on was the bombed bridge.There was no one there either, but there was an American soldier sitting there on the cruise ship pier in front of it looking at the river.He squatted there, looking very funny.He was sitting on his heels. It was probably too cold to sit on a rock, so he just squatted like this, throwing expensive cigarette butts into the water.Each cigarette butt is half a loaf of bread, I thought.Maybe he didn't know how to smoke at all, but all the American soldiers smoked a quarter of their cigarettes and threw away the rest.I know it perfectly.That's a good guy, I thought, he's not hungry, he hasn't lost his ration card, and every cigarette butt he throws is three marks seventy-five pfennigs into the cold, gray Rhine.If I were him, I think, I would sit by the fire and drink coffee instead of squatting on the cold Rhine and looking at the dirty water...

I keep running, yes I believe I am.Thoughts of the GI raced through my mind, and I envied him so much, I envied him to death.Then I walked or ran, I can't remember, until I got to the bridge that was blown up, and I thought, jump off it and everything will be fine, it will be over soon.I once read that it is not easy to walk slowly into the water and drown yourself.It is the best policy to jump from a high place.So I ran to the broken bridge.There are no workers there.Maybe they're on strike, or maybe it's too cold to work on the bridge outside.I never saw the GI again, and I didn't look back at all.

No, I thought, there's no way, there's no hope, no one's going to reissue those tickets to us, that's too much, mom and dad, two older kids, little one and me, mother's ration card and father heavy labor ration card.No more hesitation, jump into the river, so that they will at least have one less person to eat.It was cold, the wind was howling on the boulevards by the Rhine, and bare branches were falling from the trees that had grown so beautifully in summer. Climbing up the broken bridge was a struggle, and they had knocked away the asphalt remnants of the deck, leaving only an empty frame on which a small railway had been erected, presumably to carry away the rubble.

I climbed cautiously up the bridge.I was freezing cold and was terrified of falling.I can well remember thinking, how absurd it is for you to want to throw yourself into a river and be afraid of falling.If you fall from here on the road or on the rubble, you will die too, isn't that good, don't you want to die?But that's a whole other thing, I can't tell, I just want to jump into the river, I don't want to fall to pieces, I think, it would be very painful, maybe not die all at once, and I don't want pain.So I climbed cautiously up the bare bridge all the way to the front, where the frontmost rails came to the end.I stood there looking at the murky water that was gurgling, and I stood at the forefront.I'm not scared at all, I just feel hopeless, and I suddenly understand that hopelessness is a good thing, hopelessness is sweet, it's nothing, it's nothing, one doesn't care about anything anymore.The water of the Rhine was quite high, cloudy and cold. I looked towards the water for a long time, and saw that the American soldier was still squatting there, and indeed threw an expensive cigarette butt into the water.What surprised me was that he was so close to me, much closer than I imagined. I glanced at the entire bare Linmeng Avenue again, and then suddenly looked at the Rhine River, feeling dizzy and dizzy. Then I fell!I just remember, at the last moment, thinking of my mother, maybe my death would be worse than losing the ticket, all the tickets... father and mother's, two older children's, the little one, mother's ration card and father's heavy labor ration card, And...yes...yes, and my ration card, and I'm a free-spirited wretch who can't even trade on the black market...

I must have been squatting by the filthy Rhine staring at the water for an hour.I keep thinking of Gertrude, the blond woman who drives me crazy.Damn it, I thought as I spit my cigarette into the Rhine, jump, jump into the muddy water, let the river wash you away... to Holland, yes, and then... well, into the canal until stay deep under the sea.There was no one around, and the water was driving me crazy.I remember very clearly that it was the river, and I kept thinking about that beautiful woman, who didn't want me.Yes, she doesn't want me, and I know full well that I can't do anything with her.The river haunts me and annoys me.Damn it, I thought, jump down and you'll be free of these damn bitches forever, jump down, jump down...

At this moment, I heard people running like crazy along the boulevard.I've never seen anyone run like that.He is running towards destruction, I thought, looking up at the water again, but the sound of footsteps on the deserted avenue on the shore made me look up again, and I saw the boy running up the broken bridge, thinking Someone must be after him, hope he gets away, whether he stole or did something. A tall, thin boy who seemed to be delirious as he ran away.I look over the water again, jump down, jump down, jump down, what the hell are you waiting for, jump down, there's a whisper in my ear...you'll never get her, never, jump down , let the muddy water send you to Holland, damn it, I spit my third cigarette into the water.

God, I thought, what are you doing in this country, this country is crazy, everyone just wants to get cigarettes.This horrible mad country has no bridges, no color, no color at all, only grey, damn it.Everyone is busy, God knows why.This bitch, this crazy woman with long legs, you'll never get her, not even with a million cigarettes, damn it. But at that moment, I heard the delirious boy climb up to the bridge above.The iron frame made a low sound under his nailed boots. This crazy boy crawled all the way to the front and stood there for a long time, staring at the gray and muddy waves. I suddenly understood. , and no one is after him, but he... damn it, I think, he wants to throw himself into the river!I was taken aback. I just watched this crazy boy standing quietly and silently on the broken bridge above, thinking that he was a little shaken...

I voluntarily exhaled the fourth cigarette into the Rhine, never taking my eyes off the man above, my heart was half cold, and I was scared to death.This boy, this half-child, what troubles does he have?I think.Distressed lovelorn, I think, I at least thought I laughed, I don't know if so.Will this half-child have the distress of falling out of love?I think.The river was silent, so still that I believed I could hear the breathing of the boy above.He has been standing silently and motionless on the broken bridge.Damn it, I thought, no way, I wanted to shout, but then I thought, you'll startle him, you'll make him fall.The surroundings seemed extraordinarily quiet, and the two of us were alone in this world, facing the gray and dirty river.

And then, God, he was staring at me, he was staring at me, and I was still sitting there, motionless, plop, and that madman really fell into the water! That's when I really woke up, and damn it, I threw off my coat and hat, and jumped into the freezing water to swim, very hard, but luckily the current rushed him towards me.Then suddenly he disappeared again and sank under the water, damn it, my shoes were filled with water and hung on my feet like lead, and my shirt was heavy like lead, and the river was cold, icy cold, that The boy was gone... damn it, I swam up and stepped on the water for a while and yelled, yes I yelled... damn it when the boy came up and he was down the stream After drifting down for a while, I never thought that the water would flow so fast.Now, when I see this inanimate thing drifting in the gray sewage, I get hot with fright, damn it, I chase him, not two steps away from him, and the dazzling yellow hair is clearly visible , at this time he disappeared again, simply disappeared, damn it... But, I just nodded frequently, God, I caught him... No one in the world knew how relieved I felt when I caught him.Right in the middle of the Rhine, only cold gray dirty water, I was heavy and cold as lead, and yet I felt lightened.I don't feel scared anymore, it's over... I grabbed him sideways and slowly swam across the river to the bank, wondering how close the bank was... Damn it, I can't care less about being cold and moaning, even though I'm sick of it.I drank a lot of water, the dirty water made me nauseous, but I took a good breath, then grabbed his arms and shook them back and forth, shaking, shaking, always within the norm, and my body became It was very hot... not a single ghost was seen on the shore, no one saw this thing.And then the boy opened his eyes, damn it, a pair of sky blue eyes like a child's, God, he spit out water, spit it up...Damn it, I thought, there's nothing in this kid's belly but water thing?But there was really nothing but water, so he thought he should smile, and this kid smiled at me... I was so cold then, because I had wet clothes on, and I thought, you're going to be sick, and he was shivering like a cat throwing up. So I pulled him up and said, "Go, boy... run..." I grabbed his arm and dragged him up the slope, and he rocked limply in my arms like a puppet, and then he Another stop, another spitting out dirty, gray Rhine water, and after that, he could run better... Damn it, I thought, he gotta warm up and you gotta warm up too.At last we ran at full speed, up to the boulevard above, and ran a little further past the boulevard.I felt warm all over, but the child was still shivering like a cat.Damn it, I thought, he gotta go inside and get into bed, but there's no house there, just some rubble and railroad tracks, and it's getting dark now.At this time, a car drove up, it was a car of our army, a small car, so I hurried onto the road and waved my arms.The car kept going at first, and there was a black man in the car, but I yelled, "Hello, boy..." I didn't have a coat on, and I didn't wear a hat on my head. He must have heard me from my accent. Also from America.So he stopped, and I dragged the boy over, and the black person shook his head, and said, "Poor boy, fell into the water?" "Yes," I said, "drive, drive!" and told him where I was camping. The boy sat next to me and smiled wryly again. I thought it was very ridiculous. I felt his pulse and it was completely normal... "Faster!" I yelled to the black man.He turned his head, grinned, and indeed drove the car faster, while I kept saying, "Left, right, right" and so on, until we were actually in my car. The campsite stopped... Pat and Freddie were standing in the hall, and when they saw me come in, they laughed, "Could it be Gertrude, your sweetheart, boy?" But I yelled at them, "Don't laugh, buddy, Help me, I rescued the boy from the Rhine.” They helped me carry him to our—Pat and I—room, and I said to Freddie, “Go and make us a glass of Coffee." Then I threw him on the bed, stripped off his wet clothes, and rubbed him with my towel for a long time.Damn, this kid is so skinny, so skinny...like...like...damn, looks like a long white noodle... "Pat," I said, because Pat was standing by, "you keep rubbing, I gotta get undressed." Damn, I was wet like a cat too, and I was so scared of getting sick.Pat gave me the bath towel because the tall lanky boy on the bed was flushed like a newborn baby now, and he was smiling again... Pat took his pulse and said, "Yes, Johnny, it's nothing, I'm sure ..." The guys were great, Freddie brought us coffee and Pat his underwear for the boys.Boy lying in bed, drinking coffee, smiling.I sat in a chair with Pat.Freddie is gone, and I believe he's looking for a woman again... Ah, I thought, what a tense moment it was, but it worked out, thank goodness! Pat put a cigarette in the boy's mouth and he smoked hard.These Germans, I thought, all smoked like madmen, and they drank their cigarettes as if they were their lifeblood, and the appearance of their faces changed completely.Yes, then it occurred to me that my coat was still down there on the river bank, and it had the picture in it, and my hat.Fuck it, I thought, what do I need pictures like that for... The room was very quiet, the boy devoured it, and Pat gave him another piece of bread and a can of beef, and poured him coffee again and again... "Pat," I said after this, and lighting myself a cigarette, "Pat, see if you can ask him why he threw himself into the river..." "Okay," Pat said, then asked him. The child looked at us very strangely, and then said something to me.I look at Pat, and Pat shrugs. "He talked about food, but there is a word I don't understand, what does it mean..." "What word?" I asked. "Tickets," Pat said. "Tickets?" I asked the boy. He nodded and said another word.Pat said, "He lost that thing... this thing, this ticket..." "Ticket, Pat, what's this?" I asked. But Pat didn't know either. "Ticket," I said to the boy in German, "what's this?" I can say it well in German, and I can talk about lovelorn anguish, nothing else, it's all about that bastard My mother-in-law taught me... The boy looked at me in bewilderment, then used his thin fingers to draw a strange square on the table of the bedside table, and said, "Paper." I also understood the word paper, and I think I have figured it out now. "Oh," I said, "passport, you lost your passport." "No," he said, "tickets." "Damn it, Pat," I said, "I'm totally confused by this ticket. There must be something important, and he had to jump into the river for it." Pat refills everyone's glass again, but the damn ticket is killing me.My God, I can see with my own eyes that this half-sized man stands silently, motionless at the broken bridge, plopping!Damn it. "Pat," I said, "you look it up, don't you have a dictionary?" "Yes," Pat said, jumping up, and took the dictionary out of the cabinet. At that point, I nodded to the boy and gave him another cigarette, and damn it, he ate the whole can of beef, and all the bread, and the coffee did work for him.It's amazing how these lads smoke like crazy, and we only smoke like that in wartime emergencies.They still smoke like they did during the war, the Germans... "Haha," Pat yelled, "here." He jumped up, took a letter out of the cabinet, and showed the stamp to the boy, but he just shook his head and even smiled... "No," he said, repeating that queer word, for which he jumped into the river, and I didn't know what it was. "Wait a minute," said Pat, "here, there's a word called 'food ration card.'" He looked eagerly through his dictionary. "Are you still hungry?" I gestured to the boy.But he shook his head vigorously and poured himself another cup of coffee.Heck, they can really drink coffee, by the bucket, I think... "Fuck," Pat yelled, "these dictionary guys, these dictionary bastards, these dictionary bastards, a young guy jumped into the river because of this, and the dictionary Not even the word." "Boy," I said to the boy, in American, of course, "say calmly what it is, we're all human, we'll understand each other. You tell him, tell Pat," and I pointed at Pat, " Tell him calmly." Pat laughed, but he listened intently, without a word, to the boy speaking to him calmly, completely calmly, and at first the poor boy was very embarrassed, and he spoke to Pat very slowly, and I heard After understanding part of it, Pat's expression became very serious... "Damn it," Pat said, "we're stupid. They buy groceries with vouchers, Understand?They have food ration cards, see, what the hell, why didn't we think of that?He lost his ration card, so he jumped the Rhine. " "Damn it," I muttered, "the lad jumped into the river and we don't know why, can't imagine..." At least you should be able to imagine, I think, this is the minimum, even if you don't experience it yourself, at least you should be able to imagine... "Pat," I said, "if he loses it, damn it, they're supposed to give him a new one. It's a piece of paper anyway, and they can print it, and they're supposed to give him a replacement, isn't it?" Money. It's possible to throw it away, there's plenty of it printed anyway..." "Bullshit," Pat said, "they don't do it. Because some people say they lost their card, sold it, or doubled it, and the bureau thought it was a shame. Damn, just Like in war, you drop your gun and suddenly someone is standing in front of you and you can't shoot, you can't shoot because you don't have a gun. They're waging a damned war with their paper, That's the way it is." So, I thought, it's a terrible thing to say, and then they'd have nothing to eat, nothing, nothing, and nothing to do, so he ran like crazy and jumped into the the Rhine... "Yeah," Pat said, as if trying to answer what was going on in my head, "he's lost it all, all his ration cards... well, I think six, and others, other ration cards , I simply don't understand what he means...a month..." Damn it, I thought, what can they do if it's the way it is?There was nothing they could do, and the boy was standing there, throwing away his ration card, and I thought, If it were me, I'd jump into the river too.But I can't imagine... no, I believe, it's unimaginable... I stood up and took out two packs of cigarettes from the cabinet and gave the boy a look, which startled me.Damn it, he looked at me so ridiculously, I thought, he's gonna drive us crazy, he's gonna drive us crazy, that kid has that look on his face... "Pat," I cried, yes, I believe I cried, "please send this boy away, send him away," I cried, "I can't take it, I can't see his face, this grateful face What a face, I just can't stand it for two packs of cigarettes, no, it's like giving him the whole world, Pat," I cried, "send him away, pack it up, give it all Wrap it up, wrap it up for him..." Damn, I was so happy when Pat took that kid away. Pat would have wrapped him up, I suppose, you sat there by the dingy, dirty river, talking to the water for a while for such a skinny woman's face, thinking: Jump down, jump down , let the river carry you away until... Hey, Holland, damn it, but the kid jumped, plopped into the river, for those scraps of paper that probably weren't worth a dollar. Translated by senior students Xiao Maosao's proofreading from "Ms. and All Beings", Lijiang Publishing House, first edition in 1991