Chapter 22 My Confidence - Preface to Taiwan Edition "Half of a Man Is a Woman"

In October 1987, Paul Angell and his wife, Ms. Nie Hualing, hosted the 20th anniversary of the International Writing Center at the University of Iowa in the United States. I was honored to be invited to participate in their commemorative activities.Hua Ling wrote in advance asking me to prepare a five-minute speech entitled "My Life as a Writer".Just when I had an urge to tell the truth, I wrote the following speech and sent it.Ms. Tan Jia in Iowa also carefully translated it into English.ladies and gentlemen: I dare say that in today's world, there is no country where writers feel so much pain and joy than Chinese writers.In our vast but densely populated country, at such a moment in history, the wishes, requirements, ideals and fantasies of several generations are compressed, and some are almost tit-for-tat. It is impossible for a real writer to just Representing a generation or part of the population, writers who present themselves as representatives of the new generation or the old generation are either lacking in self-knowledge or insensitivity.Because in fact, young people are also shrouded in the shadow of history.At the moment of sunset, the shadow of history will be longer and longer and thicker.Similarly, the older generation is also affected by the new wave anytime and anywhere.People who have passed menopause physically feel the turmoil of puberty once again in their veins.

I can make up stories, but not myself.Not only when writing, but also in normal times I am also looking for myself.The tradition of history will fix me to the rock, but the reality will make me fly.But reality is actually the continuation of history.I often have a feeling of being torn apart.When I thought I was soaring in the air, when I looked down, my flesh and blood were still spread among the gravel where no grass grew. Constant self-reflection is a characteristic of Chinese intellectuals.The basis of our introspection is not our own direct feeling, but a certain norm, a certain established concept.In our country, any measure or method that has been effective in history can easily become a long-term norm; as long as time is given to fallacies, fallacies will also become truths and rule people's minds.Please don't forget that we have five thousand years of history.These things form a hard shell in which we hatch.Therefore, it is understandable that any Chinese writer who claims to be a modernist also exudes the smell of our ancient nation.

In fact, I am the same as most Chinese writers: we are both brave and cowardly; ; We are full of passionate fantasies, but in the end we still put the square characters in the pen where it should be; we are absolutely creative, but we often unconsciously search for secret recipes from our ancestors or imitate famous Western writers; we We are used to the ups and downs of politics, we do not spare our personal lives, but at the same time we are also accustomed to constantly compromise for the interests and reputation of the nation and the country as a whole; when we speak boldly to guests in the living room, we And be careful to close the kitchen door lest my wife lose her temper with us if she hears it.

Please don't think I'm a pessimist.My colleagues and I are building strength in the face of obstacles.Our accumulated strength is swirling in the hard shell.Wandering is actually a form of progress, because it is not standing still after all.The politics of China's reform and opening up will definitely encounter ups and downs.However, the monkey grandson in Chinese folklore with great powers and infinite changes jumped out of a huge rock on a stormy day. Please don't think I'm talking about Chinese literature and the prospect of Chinese writers.Due to the changeable reality in China, the works that try to express the reality of contemporary China have a sense of thickness; due to the changeable reality in contemporary China, this generation of Chinese writers themselves are complicated, so our works are all multi-dimensional and unique. Ambiguity.The Chinese writers of our generation are themselves a mystery, including his works and his life.This is enough for posterity to analyze.China does not lack heavy works, because it is precisely because of the above-mentioned conditions that Chinese contemporary writers are most suitable for expressing the inherent duality and self-contradiction in human nature.If you are interested, you might as well look through the literary works that enjoy reputation or cause controversy in contemporary China, and you will find that you can't hold so many fantasies, worries, distresses and joys in your hands.

My words are over, thank you all! On October 17th, with this serious speech in my pocket, I was led into the venue by Professor Li Oufan of the University of Chicago.I found that Israeli writers, Polish writers, Ghanaian writers and a Central American woman writer did not speak from the speeches.I don't know English, but judging from the audience's reaction, they seemed to throw in a joke or two from time to time.So I temporarily changed my mind, anyway, I have a wonderful oral translator to rely on.I was on the stage with Professor Li Oufan like a cross talk. I said something, he translated it, and said the following.ladies and gentlemen:

Our lovely hostess Hua Ling repeatedly enjoined me not to exceed five minutes before I could speak.I understand what she means.She must have thought that people from mainland China were good at giving long political reports.Now, I want to tell a joke first.There was a novelist who wrote a novel for three days and three nights without writing a paragraph.Seeing his hard work, his wife asked sympathetically, "Why is it harder for you to write a novel than it is for me to have a baby?" The novelist frowned and said, "It's easy for you to have a baby because you have something in your stomach. Fiction is difficult because I have nothing in my head."

Fortunately we are not such novelists.We have been through torture after torture, with little food in our stomachs and fullness in our minds.I write now, I'm a writer, because something in my head has to squirt out, just as a woman who is nine months pregnant has to give birth to a baby. I have written novels, novellas, and short stories, and five novels have been adapted for the screen.There are actors who have become stars by starring in the heroines of my novels.The critics said that I had added to the literary gallery a glorious series of images of women, and that I had a unique artistic way of portraying women and representing love.I laughed to myself when I heard this.Because I couldn't fall in love at all before the age of forty-three.It can be imagined that there were no women in the labor camps to be lovers.Until the age of thirty-nine, I was as pure as an angel.I hope that the men here don't have the same sexual anguish as I do.

Although I don't have a woman by my side, I can fantasize.Precisely because there is no concrete woman can fantasize more freely.When the rooster crows at dawn, on the frosty earth kang, and under the blanket that is as cold as iron sheets, I can imagine any kind of woman beside me.She was touched and caressed by me. In 1979, I was rehabilitated politically, and I had the right to create and publish works again, so I wrote out my previous fantasies. So, I realized that literature is the expression of human fantasy, and fantasy is the resistance to reality. I'm done.Thanks! All speeches and translations did not exceed five minutes.I think this speech, which sounds slick and frivolous, actually falls on a very serious subject.That's the last sentence.The speech worked surprisingly well.

On October 18, all Chinese scholars, writers, and foreign students in Iowa held another literature discussion, which was still hosted by Hua Ling.The sons and daughters of China on the three sides of the Taiwan Strait were pushed to the front: Chen Yingzhen, Li Ang, Jiang Xun, Huang Fan, etc. from Taiwan;The topic of the symposium was "Why I Write". Because before starting to speak, Hua Ling specially introduced Chen Yingzhen's old father who came from afar to all the attendees.In order to congratulate the 20th anniversary of the International Writing Center and to thank Hua Ling and other literary friends in the United States for their support during Chen Yingzhen's most difficult time, he came all the way to Iowa.Chen Yingzhen's old father was one of the kind and graceful old people I saw. I was very moved by the scene at that time, so I said this.

In this symposium, I was asked to talk about "why should I write", and I would like to talk about it with all of us when Chen Yingzhen's father came to visit Chen Yingzhen.I envy Chen Yingzhen very much.In his most difficult time, in prison, his father and family were still able to care about him and visit him in prison.I have been in prisons, labor camps, and detention centers in mainland China.My only relative, my mother, lives far away in Beijing, making a living by knitting sweaters for others.She is incapable of even caring about me.In the cold Fortress, in the Northwest of the flat desert, in prisons, labor camps and detention centers, I wish so much that a relative would visit me once.Every time I heard the call from outside the cell, "So-and-so, your family is here to see you!" I was sad and wept alone.I don't want anyone to bring me something, such as food and daily necessities.I just want to tell her what I feel, what I think, what is in my heart. In addition to the hardship of material conditions and loss of freedom, the torture suffered by the "prisoners" is the most important thing is loneliness.Loneliness is more depressing than material deprivation.And the best way to eliminate loneliness is to talk to your loved ones.

Why should I write?I just wanted to confide in my loved ones feelings, thoughts, and inner thoughts that I had never had the opportunity to confide in the past.But I later discovered that the voice I poured out with my pen was not completely understood by everyone.In this way, my loneliness has not been eliminated by changes in living conditions and social status. So, I just kept talking. I think that the above three published and unpublished speeches, read together, can be used as the preface of the Taiwan edition. However, I don't hold out much hope for being truly understood.Perhaps, throughout my life, I will finally discover that true understanding between people is impossible. The important thing is to just tell yourself... November 1987 in Yinchuan, Ningxia