Chapter 10 3. Between people and me

There is a big bookstore in Japan called "Sanseido". "Three provinces" comes from a sentence in the book: "I examine myself three times in a day", which shows that we have indeed had a profound influence on Japanese culture. "I examine myself three times in a day" was once said by a student of Confucius. "Three" stands for "majority". The "three provinces" do not reflect only three times a day, or reflect on three things, but reflect many times a day.Reflect on what?1. Being unfaithful in conspiring for others, whether you have done your best in doing things for others.2. Do you not trust your friends when you make friends, and do you keep your promises when you communicate with friends?Three, the transmission is not familiar.There are two explanations for this sentence. One is that Zeng Shen reflects on what the teacher taught him, whether he has done it himself, and whether he has practiced it; The truth, have I tried to verify the practice myself?I think the second statement is correct.Because Zeng Jian was forty-six years younger than Confucius, when he officially worked in the society and made friends with people, Confucius was probably no longer alive.So it is more suitable for him to be a teacher to teach students, and ask himself if he has done it.Moreover, Zeng Shen was also a well-known filial son. When he reflected on his behavior every day, he did not mention whether he was filial or not, which means that his parents probably passed away at that time, so this is what he said when he was older .

Zeng participated in self-reflection and asked himself if he was "unfaithful, unbelieving, and unaccustomed".When ordinary people reflect on themselves, they often ask, who hurt me?Who messed with me?Who is sorry for me?This is obviously two realms.Zeng Shen first asked himself if he was wrong, and did not care about what others did to him.Because if I did something wrong, no one can help me, and only by my own reflection can I make amends.This is the Confucian spirit of "returning to oneself". There is also a passage in "Mencius" that mentions a similar meaning: Mencius said: "If you love others but don't kiss them, you will oppose their benevolence; self, his body is upright, and the world returns to him." ("Mencius · Li Loushang")

Mencius said: "Love others, but they don't come to be close to you, you should ask yourself whether you are benevolent enough; govern others, but others are not on track, you should ask yourself whether you are wise enough; treat others politely, but others don't respond, you should ask yourself Is it enough to be respectful? If your actions do not achieve the desired results, you must ask yourself in turn, and if you correct yourself, the people of the world will come to follow you." What does that mean?Whatever you do, if you don’t achieve the expected results, don’t blame others first, but ask yourself whether you are not benevolent enough, wise enough, or respectful enough.In this way, you can improve yourself and make yourself better and better.And if you are upright, people in the world will affirm you.

However, sometimes we are very caring and polite to others, hoping that he will be on track, and the reaction of others is unexpected.We lost our patience and said in our hearts that I treat you so well, why don't you know what is good or bad.At this time, you have to think of a sentence that Confucius said: "When you see a virtuous person, think of the same, and when you see an unvirtuous person, you should introspect yourself." ("The Analects of Confucius Liren") "Xian" represents excellence. Those who are capable are called virtuous; those who are very virtuous are called virtuous; those who are very smart are called virtuous.As long as you see other people's virtuous, virtuous, wise, and outstanding places, you should think of learning from him and try to be like him.If you see that others have done many things badly, don't criticize or laugh at them at this time, but reflect on whether you have committed the same bad mistakes as him.So making friends requires self-discipline first.If you have the courage to introspect yourself, your faults will gradually decrease, your virtue will gradually improve, and you will be able to make others gradually affirm you, and finally make friends with you.

When it comes to being a person and doing things, this is a cliché.Confucianism has given many suggestions worth referring to in this regard.For example, "A gentleman wants to be slow in speech but quick in action." ("The Analects of Confucius Liren") A gentleman should be very cautious in speaking, as if he is dull, but he is very quick and effective in doing things. "A benevolent person establishes others if he wants to establish himself, and achieves others if he wants to achieve himself. Being able to draw an analogy can be called the way of benevolence." ("The Analects of Confucius Yong Ye") A benevolent person should let others stand in the world when he wants to conduct himself in the world.For example, if I want to be a good teacher, I must teach well.To be a good teacher is to establish yourself; to teach well, students will be affected and become good students. This is how I set up students.Another example is the famous saying "Do not do to others what you don't want yourself to do to yourself" ("The Analects of Confucius·Wei Linggong") People must be able to push themselves and others, compare their hearts to their hearts, and put themselves into consideration for others.These are the words of Confucius.Mencius also said three important words about being a person and dealing with the world, which can be used for reference.The first sentence: People can not do anything, and then they can do something. (The same after "Mencius Li Louxia")

One does not do something, and then one can do something. When people live in this world, time power is very limited.If you try to do everything, you may end up doing nothing well.The so-called "Eighteen kinds of martial arts, all of them are familiar, and all of them are loose".Only by knowing the trade-offs and not doing certain things can you concentrate on doing what you think you should do.For example, in a group, a person usually has no opinion on many things. He thinks that others are experts, so let others speak.When he thinks that I have studied it and I have my own ideas, what he said will be seriously considered by others.On the contrary, if a person usually expresses his opinions on everything and expresses his own thoughts on everything, in the end others may not care much about your opinions.Because everyone knows that you just like to talk, but you don't really have any experience.So one can do something by not doing something.If you want everything, you may end up with nothing.This is the first principle of doing things.The second sentence: If you speak badly, what should you do?

What should I do if I talk about other people's shortcomings and cause future troubles? "Future trouble" here means that the person you talk about may take revenge with resentment.Also, since you talk about this person's flaws, why should he hold back any affection for you?What Confucius hated the most was the person who talked about the shortcomings of others.Mencius is the same.Mencius likes to debate, and it is inevitable to mention other people's shortcomings during the debate, but you should not deliberately gossip without basis.If you hear some people's gossip, you also gossip about it. In the end, I am afraid that it will become what you said, and the person you said will "treat him in his own way. ", also gossip about you, get "Rashomon", no one knows what the truth is.Confucius emphasized that a gentleman should be resolute and dull, cautious in his words and deeds, try to control his speech as much as possible, even hesitating, it doesn't matter if he speaks slowly; the important thing is that if you are not sure, don't speak easily, especially if it involves other people's shortcomings, you should be more cautious .In this way, future troubles can be avoided.The third sentence refers to Confucius: Mencius said: "Zhong Ni is not too much."

Mencius said: "Confucius is a man who never overdoes anything." Confucius can do everything just right, because he knows how to judge and has extraordinary cultivation.When people are young, their personality is often more impulsive, and they like to do things to the end, good things to the end, and bad things to the end, and I am afraid that they are too much in the end.Confucius said "too much to go too far", neither too much nor too little is good.There are two sentences engraved on the temple of Delphi in Greece. The first sentence is "Know thyself" and the second sentence is "Do nothing to excess."The first sentence is related to "knowledge". Knowing yourself is far more important than knowing others. You don't know yourself, and you don't know what your life goals are. What's the use of knowing many things about others? ?The second sentence is related to "action". You must have a sense of proportion and be able to restrain yourself.The so-called "those who fail to promise are rare", because of self-discipline, there are very few mistakes in life and work.Yan Yuan asked Confucius what benevolence is, and Confucius said four things: don’t see anything wrong with propriety, don’t listen to anything wrong with propriety, don’t speak anything wrong with propriety, and don’t move anything wrong with propriety.Don't watch, don't listen, don't speak, don't do anything that violates etiquette and laws.Because one of the functions of ritual is to regulate behavior and make it just right.Confucius kept this in mind all his life. When he was seventy years old, he said that "follow the heart's desire and not exceed the rules". Everyone can do "follow the heart's desire", but "not exceeding the rules" is not easy.The word "moment" is the proof of Confucius' strict self-discipline.Usually when we make friends, we also hope to make such friends.Some people were impassioned, and the atmosphere was very good at the time, and they would feel straightforward and unrestrained, but afterwards, they might feel unsustainable and unable to cooperate with words and deeds.

These three sentences of Mencius first talk about our actions. Only by not doing something can we do something. The purpose of our education is first of all to not do something.The second step is to talk about our speech. We can talk about public affairs, but try to avoid talking about other people's shortcomings or privacy, especially don't talk about unsure rumors.Finally, we must learn from Confucius that "do not do too much", don't overdo everything, be able to stop in words and deeds, and restrain yourself. The Chinese have been emphasizing filial piety since ancient times. Confucianism such as Confucius and Mencius put forward empirical and theoretical basis for filial piety, making it a code of conduct that can be generally followed.Therefore, there are more than one sayings about filial piety and unfilial piety. Mencius once listed the five so-called unfilial piety, which are worthy of our reference.

The five so-called unfilial persons in the world: lazy four branches, disregarding parents' support, one is unfilial; The desire of the eyes and ears, thinking that parents are killing, is the four types of unfilial piety; being brave and ruthless in order to endanger parents is the five types of unfilial piety. ("Mencius · Li Lou Xia") There are five types of unfilial piety in the world: laziness in hands and feet, regardless of parents’ life, is the first type of unfilial piety; gambling and drinking, and disregard of parents’ life is the second type of unfilial piety; greed for money, partiality for wives and children, and disregard of parents’ life, this is the third type of unfilial piety. To be unfilial is to indulge one's eyes and ears, and to humiliate one's parents, which are the four unfilial acts; to be fond of fighting bravely, and to put one's parents in danger, are the fifth unfilial piety. "

The first three kinds of unfilial piety are "disregarding the support of parents" for a certain reason.Our parents raised us when we were young, and we must take care of our parents when we grow up.If your hands and feet are lazy, you like leisure and do not work hard, and you refuse to work hard, so that your parents have no food and clothing, this is the first kind of disobedience.For example, there are some "elderly people" now, who are young and do not go out to work, and live on their parents' money at home.Of course, some parents said, I don't care, there is only one child anyway, so let him eat it.But in the future, what will happen to the children after the parents have lived for a hundred years?He still has to survive in society, and has to start a family and raise children, so what will he do then? The second type of unfilial piety is liking to drink and gamble, indulging in entertainment, only caring about enjoying life for oneself, and ignoring the needs of taking care of parents.This situation is more terrifying, because drinking can hurt the body, and gambling may ruin the family.At that time, not only will I have no place to stand, but my parents' lives will also be insecure. The third kind of unfilial piety is coveting money, only caring about accumulating wealth for oneself, taking good care of one's wife and children, but not caring about the life of parents.This will hurt your parents very much. It means that after you are brought up, you only care about your own small family and forget to take care of your elderly parents. What's more, it is the fourth kind of unfilial piety: Indulging the desires of the eyes and ears, pursuing sensual entertainment; committing crimes in society, breaking the law and discipline; ruining the reputation of the family, insulting the ancestors, "thinking that parents kill", "killing" is humiliating Meaning, because one's own behavior humiliates the parents.The Chinese value family and often take into account the performance of his children when judging a person's achievements.Are children careless here? The fifth kind of unfilial piety is more troublesome: you are brave and aggressive outside, join gangs, use knives and guns, even rob people and rob money, be wanted on the criminal record, and have enmity with others; those people can't find you to take revenge, maybe they will Find your parents to take revenge, so that your parents are also in fear all day long, and have trouble sleeping and eating.Children like this are truly sinful and depressing. It can be seen that the so-called "unfilial piety" in ancient times firstly involved the issue of parents' support. Whether they can enjoy their old age and live a worry-free life is the top priority; Bad things, let your parents worry about you, and even be laughed at by others; in the end, it involves your parents' wealth and life, so don't put your parents' lives in danger because of your feud and troubles outside.We must be careful to avoid these five kinds of unfilial piety.After avoiding it, actively think of ways to be filial to your parents. In addition to these five kinds of unfilial piety, Mencius also said a sentence, everyone is familiar with it, and because of this they have a lot of opinions, it is called "there are three kinds of unfilial piety, and the greatest is to have no descendants." ("Mencius Li Loushang") What are the three types of unfilial piety?According to Zhao Qi's annotations, the first type of unfilial piety is "flattery and obedience, trapping parents into injustice".It can be seen from this that if parents do something that violates social justice, the children must dissuade them and encourage them to walk on the right path, otherwise it is unfilial.The second kind of unfilial piety is "the family is poor, the relatives are old, and the family is not an official". The family is very poor, and the parents are old, but you don't work or work, leaving your parents with nothing to depend on.This is similar to the meaning of "laziness to the four branches and disregarding the support of parents" mentioned above.The third type of unfilial piety is "do not marry and have no children, and do not sacrifice ancestors." If you do not marry, engage in celibacy, or get married and have no sons, the ancestors' sacrifices cannot continue. This is the biggest kind of unfilial piety. According to the ancient concept, giving birth to a son and offering sacrifices to the ancestors is the most important thing.Like Confucius' father, he had nine daughters in his first marriage, and a son in his second marriage, but the son had a slightly disabled leg. It was only the third time that he found Confucius' mother and gave birth to Confucius.According to Mencius, if a person does not give birth to a son, he is the so-called "no offspring", which is a very serious problem.Of course, modern people have got rid of this kind of concept. Men and women are equal, and there is no distinction between men and women in worshiping ancestors. Sons and daughters are equally good; and even if they have no children for various reasons, they can still live this life well.However, these few sayings of the ancients about unfilial piety are still guidelines worthy of vigilance for today's people.For those who are children, avoid unfilial acts and fulfill the responsibility of providing for them well, so that they can be passed down from generation to generation and form a good family tradition. Educating children is not easy. There is a saying in "Book of Changes·Meng Gua": "Being educated to cultivate righteousness is also a sacred achievement." Meng, the immature stage of things, is like a state of ignorance, and it is a childlike state in humans, so children's reading is also called enlightenment.This sentence can be understood as: When a child is enlightened, it is the achievement of a saint to train him to walk on the right path of life.Because if a person wants to become a saint, he must lay the foundation at the stage of enlightenment; if the first step is wrong, it will take a lot of time to correct it in the future. That's too late.Therefore, in educating children, we must pay special attention from a very young age. Plato, the great Western philosopher, was never married and had no children, but he observed deeply about children's education.He said, if you want to harm a child, the most effective way is to let him get what he wants.When we hear this sentence, we will feel surprised.Usually, children want to buy what they want. As parents, we try our best to be satisfied. Why did Plato say that doing so is harming children?Because if a person always achieves what he wants and has never experienced setbacks, he will lack the ability to adjust emotions, and he will not know how to face and deal with difficulties and adversities.And it is impossible for a person's life to be smooth sailing, and it is impossible for parents to put their children under their wings all their lives. What should he do when he encounters setbacks in the future?Is he able to self-regulate with emotional problems?I'm afraid there will be difficulties.So Plato said that parents always let their children get what they want, but they actually hurt him.How to carry out family education, Mencius also said a passage, called "Yi Zi Er Teach". The ancients changed their sons and taught them. If father and son don't blame goodness, if they blame goodness, they will leave.It is ominous to leave. ("Mencius · Li Loushang") In ancient times, people exchanged their son's education with others, and father and son would not blame each other for asking for good deeds.There is nothing more unfortunate than a father and son being estranged from each other by blaming each other for doing good. The so-called "teaching" refers to formal teaching like a teacher.If a father always puts on a teacher's face at home and constantly and strictly educates his children, it will inevitably affect the original intimacy between father and son.The so-called "responsibility for kindness" means asking each other for kindness.For example, a father asks his son to do good and avoid evil, but what should he do if the son cannot do it for a while?The bond between father and son is likely to be hurt by the failure of this deep expectation.Moreover, being a parent is more important than precepts.You just ask your children to be good people and good deeds. If you don’t do it yourself, your children will probably turn around and ask you: "Master taught me to be righteous, but Master did not come out of righteousness." ("Mencius · Li Loushang") You use the correct You taught me the truth, but your own actions may not be in line with the correct truth.This time, parents and children may have to quarrel.There is no perfect relationship in life, and the same is true for family affection.At this time, you have to make a choice. Is family affection more important, or "responsibility for kindness" is more important?Mencius believes that family affection is the most important and irreplaceable; but it is also important to educate children on the right path, so let the teacher teach. I have been teaching for 30 years. I have a little experience in teaching other people's children, but I am helpless in teaching my own daughter.Why?Family affection is the most important thing.I remember telling her once that you should not criticize your friends behind their backs.As a result, after a while, I was chatting with someone at home and criticized a very good friend of mine.My daughter immediately said, didn't you say not to criticize your friends behind their backs?Why are you criticizing your friend now?I feel very ashamed.Therefore, the principles of educating children are easy to say, but can parents do it?Everyone has shortcomings, and the shortcomings are sometimes connected with the personality. If you have such a personality, it is difficult to correct the shortcomings, and the personality is often fixed at a very young age. Unless you have the heart to cultivate, it is difficult to improve. Confucianism has two principles for educating children: first, from the time a child is in school, he must be set on the right path.Nowadays, many parents are willing to spend money to send their children to good kindergartens and primary schools. This is correct; but good education sometimes does not have to cost a lot of money. Friends, when your child makes friends, you pay attention to who he interacts with, these are all things we can do. Second, there must be family education. Parents' example is more important than words.Family education can actually start from watching TV, and try to watch some TV programs suitable for children, so that everyone has common topics to communicate with.One of my methods is to take the children to watch movies, and then discuss the plot of the movie and communicate our values.This kind of education is relatively recessive and can be subtle.Directly resort to verbal education, saying that you should do this, you should do that, and in the end the children will be afraid and worried when they see their parents, because they have not fulfilled their parents' requirements, and their feelings may gradually become alienated.If you must teach, let the teacher do it.Teachers can be school teachers, or relatives and elders, let them play the role of teachers and educate their children.In case the child fails to meet the teacher's requirements, there is no harm, just give more encouragement and continue to ask.At the same time, when children are under too much pressure at school, or feel ashamed because they fail to meet the standards, they still have the comfort, forgiveness and expectation of their parents when they return home.If you don't understand this truth, father and son "blame good" each other and have strict requirements, it will make people (or father, or son, or both) feel that they have nothing to escape between heaven and earth, even in the family. It is really a tragedy of life to tolerate your own room.The growing estrangement between parents and children, and finally divorce is the most unfortunate thing in life, and it is also the most regrettable thing.Because, all goodness, at its root, is based on the relationship between parents and children.If you hurt family affection for the sake of doing good, wouldn't it be putting the cart before the horse and chasing the horse for the horse? When making friends, you must consider virtue. This is the truth that everyone understands.Confucius said: "Virtue is not alone, there must be neighbors." A virtuous person will not be alone, and will definitely get the closeness and support of people who agree with him and uphold morality.This also emphasizes that morality is the foundation of being a human being and making friends.Confucius also said: "Benevolence is beautiful. If you choose not to be benevolent, how will you know?" When you choose a living environment, if you don't choose a residential area full of benevolence, how can you be considered wisdom?This shows that people will be affected by the atmosphere, and friends will also influence each other and be influenced by each other. Wan Zhang, a student of Mencius, once asked Mencius: "Dare to ask friends?" What is the principle of making friends?Mencius' answer is: You Qide.Based on virtue. Mencius said: "Don't coerce seniors, don't coerce nobles, and don't coerce brothers to be friends. Friends are friends, and friends have virtues. You can't coerce them." ("Mencius Ten Thousand Chapters") Mencius said: "Don't rely on your age, your high status, or your brother's achievements. The so-called making friends is to make friends with his character, so you can't rely on them." This sentence sounds sharp, but it has a clear stand.Mencius said that when making friends, you should focus on character, not on external conditions such as age, status, and achievements.Mencius gave an example, Meng Xianzi was a doctor who owned a hundred carriages, and he had five friends.But when he interacted with these five people, he didn't have the idea that he was a doctor; and if these five people had the idea that Meng Xianzi was a doctor, they would not associate with him.Why?When friends come and go, what they value is character, not the other party's status or status.Confucius' grandson Zisi became a teacher to Duke Mu of Lu.Once Lu Mugong said to him, I am now your friend, so it should be a good story.Why?Because one is the monarch, and the other is an ordinary scholar; isn't it a good story for the monarch and the common people to make friends?But how did Zisi answer?Zisi said, in terms of status, you are the king and I am a minister, how dare I be friends with you?In terms of virtue, I am a teacher and you are a student, how can you be my friend?It means that although you are a king, I Zisi is a virtuous person. A virtuous person has only one consideration when making friends: equal virtue.Only when two people with similar virtues are friends can they encourage each other and make each other's virtues higher; instead of depending on how old you are, how high your status is, or what achievements your brother has, I am willing to be friends with you.The so-called "respecting the superior by the inferior is called nobility; respecting the inferior by the superior is called respecting the virtuous. Nobility and virtuous respect have the same meaning." The low-status respects the high-status, which is called respecting the noble; the high-status respects the status The low ones are called respecting the sages.Mencius said that the principle of respecting nobles and respecting sages is the same, both are based on "friendship and virtue" and then seek to realize common ideals. What are the benefits of "Friendship"? There is also a story in "Mencius" in which the names of several people mentioned are all four characters: Yingongzhita, Zizhuoruzi, and Yugongzhisi.Yin Gongzhi is a master of archery, and his teacher is Zizhuo Ruzi.Zizhuo Ruzi was old, and he was ordered to crusade against the state of Wei.Weiguo sent Yugong Zhisi, a student of Yin Gongzhi and a master of archery.Zizhuo Ruzi is an old general, and Yugong Si is a young general.The old general was getting old, and in the middle of the battle, he found that he was suffering from rheumatism and couldn't draw the bow, so he had to run away, saying "I'm dead", I can't live today.During the escape, Zizhuo Ruzi asked the driver who was chasing me?The driver saw that the person chasing him was Yugong Si, the sharpshooter of the state of Wei.When the old general heard this, he said that it would be all right, I will not die today.The driver was surprised, saying that Yugong Si is the best shooter in Weiguo, and he hits every shot, so how can he be fine?Zi Zhuo Ruzi said: "Husband Yin Gongzhi is good at others, and his friends must be good." ("Mencius Li Louxia") My student Yin Gongzhi is an honest gentleman, and the friends he makes and the students he teaches must also be good. He will be an honest gentleman; an honest gentleman will not take advantage of others' dangers, so this young general will definitely not take advantage of my relapse and my inability to draw a bow to deal with me.It turned out that Zhuo Ruzi was right. Yugong Si arrived and said, "Master, why don't you hold the bow?" He said, "I'm sick today, so I can't hold the bow." He said, "The villain learned archery from Yin Gongzhi, and Yin Gongzhi learned archery from Master. I can't bear to think that Master The way is to harm the master. Although, today's matter is the king's matter, I dare not abolish it." Draw the arrow and pull the wheel, remove its gold, send out the arrow and then turn back. ("Mencius Li Louxia") Yugong Si came after him and said, "Why don't you take your bow, sir?" Zi Zhuo Ruzi said, "Today I have an old illness and cannot hold a bow." Yugong Si said, "I ask you Yin Gongzhi is learning archery, and Yin Gongzhi is learning archery from you. I can't bear to use the skills you taught me to hurt you. However, today's matter is the king's account, and I dare not not do it." After finishing speaking, he took out the arrow and went Knock on the wheel, remove the arrow, shoot four arrows and go back. This is really a touching story.It stands to reason that when you are fighting, if you encounter problems with your opponent, you just take advantage of the situation and pursue the victory.But Yugong Si couldn't bear to do this, because his teacher Yin Gongzhi was a gentleman.He would think that since the teacher took a fancy to me at the beginning and accepted me as a student, it was because I was close to his personality and ideals, and I was also a gentleman.Since I want to be a gentleman, I can't take advantage of other people's dangers, so today I have to let my son do nothing.Zi Zhuo Ruzi saved his life.However, in the final analysis, Zizhuo Ruzi still has vision, because he received such a good student as Yin Gongzhi, so that he escaped in a critical moment. Confucianism emphasizes choosing the good and being stubborn.After choosing the good, you have to be stubborn.Stubbornness is sticking to principles without compromise.But what stubbornness insists on is the true inner feelings, not the external expression.For example, I insist on being filial to my parents, but the way I express it depends on the actual situation and I cannot be stubborn.Confucius said: "There is nothing to do, nothing to do." He is not stubborn.Mencius also said that we must never be obsessed with obsession, and we must abide by the scriptures and uphold authority. "Jing" refers to rules and norms, and "Quan" refers to flexibility.It is right for a person to stick to principles, but he must be flexible when doing things.Otherwise, if you just stick to the principle and don't know how to be flexible, I'm afraid you will be hindered in the end. There is such a story in "Mencius": Chunyu Kun said: "If a man and a woman are not intimate, what is the courtesy?" Mencius said: Li also. Said: "Sister-in-law is drowning, should I help her?" Said: "Sister-in-law drowns and does not help, she is a jackal."Whether a man or a woman gives or accepts a relationship is a courtesy; a sister-in-law who drowns and helps her is a right. ("Mencius·Li Loushang") Chunyu Kun said: "A man and a woman don't pass things with their own hands. Is this a rule of etiquette?" Mencius said: "It is the rule of etiquette." Chunyu Kun said, "If my sister-in-law falls into the water, should I use my hands to pull her?" Mencius said: "If a sister-in-law falls into the water and doesn't pull her, she is a jackal. It is a rule of etiquette that a man and a woman do not pass things by hand; if a sister-in-law falls into the water, it is a workaround to pull her with her hands." Methods." Chunyu Kun was a well-known debater in Qi State.The etiquette system in ancient times stipulated that ordinary men and women should not touch each other. For example, if you give a book to a girl, you can't give it to her directly.Moreover, not only are strangers and men and women unable to give and receive kisses, even uncles and sisters-in-law cannot talk much when they meet.Because the ancient people lived together as a family, any possible misunderstanding between men and women must be strictly guarded against.Chunyu Kun asked, if my sister-in-law fell into the water and was about to drown, can I, the uncle, pull her with my hands?It means, on the one hand, she is a woman, and on the other hand, she is my sister-in-law, double restriction, what should I do?Mencius said, if a sister-in-law falls into the water and doesn't pull her, that's a wolf and a beast, inhumane; because if a girl you don't know falls into the water, you should pull her, let alone your relatives?How could you cruelly watch your relatives drown in order to abide by the rules of etiquette? Isn't this a cruel wolf?Mencius said that whether men and women give or receive kisses is a courtesy; it is a flexibility for a sister-in-law to help her.Because saving people is the first priority at this time, we should use our powers to make changes, and we don't have to stick to ancient etiquette. People live in the world, there are all kinds of norms, these norms maintain the social order, but the real situation of people is different, so it is necessary to cultivate the wisdom of judgment, which can not only abide by the rules, but also be flexible.For example, when a young man is walking on the road, a lady comes by, and a car suddenly drives up behind him. At this time, in order to save the girl, he wants to pull her over.At this time, the lady will not only not blame you for pulling her, but also thank you for saving her.On the contrary, if there is no car behind and there is no danger, wouldn't it become sexual harassment if you suddenly go to pull someone?Therefore, the rules of etiquette are a norm, something that cannot be done under normal circumstances, but when encountering extraordinary circumstances, one must know how to adapt.Just like we study grammar, anyone who learns a foreign language knows that some daily idioms are not grammatical, but they still use them. Second, the original intention of "li" is to provide a set of social norms, a way for us to express our inner feelings.However, once etiquette is formed, it may also become a shackle, restricting people everywhere, so "ritual" must have the inner "benevolence" as the basis. "Benevolence" is based on true feelings, and the combination of the two can make a person's behavior just right.The Master said: "People are not benevolent, how about etiquette?" Rites must be based on people's sincere intentions.Mencius emphasized that "there is no power in the middle, and there is no right in the middle." To take a stand, one must weigh the pros and cons and know how to adapt, otherwise he will give up because of choking. Therefore, Confucianism has both principles and flexibility, which requires wise judgment, and the basis of judgment lies in sincere conscience.There is a similar story in Buddhism.The old monk and the young monk were crossing the river. When they met a woman who wanted to cross the river but dared not, the old monk took the initiative to carry her on his back, put down the woman and continued on the road.The little monk asked, Master, you broke the precept, how can you carry a woman on your back?The old monk said, I let it go after memorizing it, but you still haven’t let it go!The same is true of Confucianism. I am sincerely willing to help others, only to see if he needs help, not to ask his gender, identity, role, or status.In times of crisis, everyone should extend a helping hand sincerely, the same for others and all people in the world. At the end of this conversation, Chunyu Kun asked Mencius again: "I'm drowning today, why don't you help me?" Now everyone in the world has fallen into the water, but you refuse to stretch out your hand. Why?It means that he knows that Mencius is a talent, very capable.Now that the world's politics are corrupt and the world is immoral, he blames Mencius for not helping him.Mencius replied: "If the world is drowning, help it with the way, and if the sister-in-law is drowning, help it with your hand. Do you want to help the world?" In the water, you have to use your hands to save.Do you want to use your hands to save people in the world?That is to say, the monarch must be conscious, use talents to help, implement proper measures, and improve the lives of ordinary people in order to save the world.But Mencius was only a scholar. If the ruler did not appoint him, trust him, or give him power, he would not be able to do things that would benefit the people. This was beyond his ability.Mencius used this metaphor to illustrate that Chunyu Kun's thinking was too naive and too narrow.