Chapter 9 Chapter nine
The hospital is always full of strange smells, not just the smell of Lyso, but also the worry from the patient's family members.The sorrow is boundless, dyed in various colors, and after the sour smell, it becomes the last thing in my heart.
Yuyin felt that she was about to be overwhelmed by the smell.
Aunt Zaohua's operation was quite successful, thanks to Xiao Tian, without him, Aunt might not be able to get off the operating table that day.No one expected that when the operation was halfway through, my aunt went into shock. According to the nurse, the situation that day was very dangerous. The patient was not breathing, and the beating of the heart gradually weakened. Be calm and calm, the situation that day may be very difficult to deal with.In this way, the operation was extended by more than two hours than originally expected.
Anyway, the operation was a success, and my aunt is recovering well, which is a happy thing.But Yuyin just couldn't be happy, she had a lot of troubles, her heart was stuffy, and her happiness seemed to be getting farther and farther away from her.
Tuo Tuo saw what was on her mind and asked: "What worries you, tell me. It's better to talk than to be bored."
Yuyin didn't say anything, she didn't know what to say to Tuotuo.Really, she was very grateful to Tuo Tuo, if it wasn't for him, she wouldn't be able to survive these days.Regardless of the money matter, she couldn't bear it just because of the fear, the loneliness, and the helplessness.Only when people have experienced these catastrophic blows can they understand how warm it is to say that one more hand is one more help.Where is Ke Yuyin's support?It seemed that there was no other pair of hands in the whole world, a pair of hands that could help her through that difficult period.
Tuo Tuo came back from performing in other places, the most difficult days have passed, and my aunt can speak.However, her heart was still full of gratitude.After all, every day in the hospital is full of suffering.News came from Shaxiang continuously.Those who came to visit my aunt included Shicao, Hongliu's mother, and Wu Gouzi's father.There are also playmates who are very good with my aunt for a few hours. Although they are married and have moved outside Shaxiang, as soon as they hear the news.Still came in panic.Alone, no one of her own family.
When you come, you have to make noise.This noise made me worry.
First, the case of brother Yuhu went to Dali again. They robbed people in Inner Mongolia, and they also robbed people from Shaxiang. They made some money digging coal and wanted to go back to Shaxiang. It was shot in an alley behind.This was admitted by Ma Wuzi on his own initiative, and it seemed that Ma Wuzi really didn't want to live anymore.He tricked everything, and with one trick, Yuhu couldn't survive.Shicao said that prison time is certain, and it depends on how many years he has been in prison.
Then the sister-in-law was going to divorce, and all the things in the family were brought to her mother's house. She was still angry and threatened to rip the house.If it weren't for the old people in the village to stop them, the house might really be taken away.But the marriage is divorced, and the tone of the sister-in-law is very fierce, scolding east and west, so that people in the whole village dare not talk to her, as if she was married to Yuhu, and the people in Shawan Village kidnapped her . "It's okay to leave, what do you want her to do with such a daughter-in-law!" The one who said this was Wu Gouzi's father, an honest man, because Wu Gouzi fell ill when he was young and had no money to treat him. Wopu ran over and said, send it to the big hospital quickly, and I will pay for it.Just remember my aunt firmly.This time he took 3,000, 1,000 was to pay back the debts in the past, and the other 2,000, he said it was a little thought, don't make it too small.Shicao secretly said that the money was sold by camels, and if Wu Gouzi's family could sell it, only camels were left.Wu Gouzi's life is not good, and he married a daughter-in-law and incurred a lot of debts. In the end, he married a sick woman.
Yuyin's heart became heavy day by day.
What worries her the most is her father. From the tone of picking up grass, her father's affairs are not small, and she may have to be detained.Yuyin didn't dare to ask in detail, the more she asked, the more she worried, so she simply didn't ask.
Can you tell the camel about these things?
Seeing that she was silent, Tuo Tuo didn't dare to ask again, turned the wheelchair and went to the other end of the corridor.This trip broke Yuyin's heart again.
Blame aunt.
Why does she always think in the wrong direction?At the beginning, my aunt was very kind to Tuotuo, asking questions about his problems, asking about his health and warmth, and being very affectionate.Gradually, my attitude changed, especially after the operation, as soon as I heard the hunchback coming, my face immediately turned cloudy.Yuyin didn't understand at first, thinking that her aunt was upset when she found out about her saving the camel in the past.Turning around and asking, it's not like.Later, she gradually understood that her aunt was afraid of her, alas, how could she just think in that direction.
Yuyin didn't bother to explain, this matter couldn't be explained clearly, and there was no need to explain, she said to Tuotuo: "From now on, you should come here less, it's inconvenient for you to come and go, besides, you have to take care of the business of the bar, and you always come to the hospital , what do you do?"
Tuotuo didn't understand the meaning of her words, and said with a silly face: "What if I don't come, you are alone, can you hold on?"
"Can hold on, isn't this all coming through?"
"But I'm still worried, and I feel at ease when I come here." Tuotuo also told the truth, and would not think about anything else.
Auntie was different, always pricked up her ears vigilantly, listening to what she said to Tuo Tuo.Once, when she sent Tuo Tuo downstairs, she came back a bit late, and her aunt was so embarrassed that she insisted on asking her what she had been doing all this time.She was so angry that she really wanted to yell at the house, what else can I do, except for money, what else can I say except for illness!Of course she can't yell, how can she yell, all the grievances, unhappiness, and sadness, she has to endure, and she should endure.
Sometimes I really can't bear it, so I run out.Secretly cry.
Yuyin understands her aunt, she really does, she doesn't need her aunt to say it, she also knows that her aunt is thinking of her. "Yin'er, I'm afraid my aunt won't live long. You don't need to comfort aunt. My aunt knows about her illness. In my heart, I can let go of everything except one thing. You will be fulfilled Auntie, hurry up, let Auntie see the result, and feel at ease when she leaves."
My aunt's words echoed in my ears again.
That's right, my aunt doesn't care about anything now, she just worries about her marriage.According to my aunt's words, as long as she can marry in a dignified way, and marry well, her heart will be satisfied in this life.
But is getting married a short-term thing?Yuyin couldn't help but feel sad again. All these years, my aunt has been worrying about her a lot. As long as she goes back to Shawopu and lives in a mahogany house, what aunt said must be the matter. If she talks about it, she will spend half the night. Listen Yuyin's ears were calloused.This time, my aunt said and mentioned whenever anyone came, as if she was going to find her a husband's house in three minutes.Qiao Xue came to see her aunt that day, and she came with Fang Lizhi. My aunt was just able to talk, and when she saw Qiao Xue and Fang Lizhi coming in arm in arm, her aunt's eyes immediately brightened, and she insisted on pulling Qiao Xue to ask, why? I know Fang Lizhi, how long have I known each other, is the marriage engaged, and when will it be done?With that tone, it seemed that she had become Qiao Xue's grandma.In the middle, Fang Lizhi went outside to answer the phone. She hurriedly grabbed Qiao Xue's hand, sat up with force and said, "You are about the same age as Yin'er, look, how blessed you are, and what a wonderful partner you have found." You can't take care of yourself, hurry up and introduce me to my family, Yin'er, she won't marry, I really can't let go of my heart." As he spoke, his face showed sorrow again.Qiao Xue was anxious by her aunt, and teased her: "With them, there is Xiao Chang, who is also a graduate student. He is quite handsome. I don't know if Yuyin likes it?"
"Look at it, look at it, why don't you look at it? Next time, you bring him, it's a deal, you can bring him whatever you say."
Later, Xiao Chang really came, and he came with Shang Limin, saying that he was going back to the institute to report information, so he stopped by to see her.The aunt was so happy that her illness immediately receded by three points, and she regained her spirits. She insisted on pestering Xiao Chang to ask this and that, but Shang Limin rolled her eyes when she was asking, but when she was asking, Xiao Chang's girlfriend came. He is also a college student and works at the Institute of Agricultural Sciences, so he came to ask Xiao Chang to go see the house together.The light in the aunt's eyes went out, her body went limp, and she fell on the hospital bed.
Yuyin couldn't help but wonder about her aunt's abnormal behavior, could her aunt really have a premonition?As soon as the thought came to her, she startled herself.
Professor Su Ning is here.For several consecutive weekends, Professor Su Ning would come to the hospital, either to sit with his aunt and ask about her condition, or to talk to Yuyin about professional matters.What happened to Professor Su Ning has long passed, and thanks to him, he dared to sue and tell the truth.As a result, the parties concerned were afraid that he would make things worse, so they looked around for someone to work with him, and asked him to stop petitioning, so as not to magnify the conflict.Professor Su Ning didn't want to magnify the matter, he just wanted to restore the truth and make Sha County admit that it was a fake.As for the shame he suffered, he didn't mention it much. Anyway, anyone with a discerning eye knows that Zhou Zhenghong played a trick on him.In the end, Zhou Xiaozhe came forward to mediate this matter. Zhou Xiaozhe said that fraud at the grassroots level is nothing new, and it exists to varying degrees in various places. The province has already discussed this issue, and decided to take advantage of this incident to make a statistics in the whole province. Law enforcement inspection.At the same time, Zhou Xiaozhe assured Professor Suning that the desert reservoir and the serious problems exposed in the work of the Sha County Water Conservancy Department must be thoroughly investigated.A few days after the words were finished, the Provincial Party Committee and the Provincial Government held a teleconference to fully deploy the comprehensive management of the Huyang River Basin.Right now, this work has been carried out with great momentum, and the Huyang River Basin has become a key word.
Following Professor Su Ning is Yuyin's head teacher, Mrs. Gu, a rigid man called "Antique King" by their backs. The national treasure giant panda is a bit like it.Mr. Gu is not only difficult in appearance, but even more difficult in character.He may be about forty years old, and his living ability is similar to that of a teenage boy. I heard that he still doesn't know how to wash clothes, let alone cooking. I really don't know who he is in school. It is still the graduate students who manage this group of graduate students. Anyway, no graduate student regards him as a head teacher.Mr. Gu is still single now, it’s not surprising. A man like him was born to be a scholar. As for falling in love, getting married and starting a family, these things are too difficult. He might be scared when he hears it .
Mr. Gu once had a love experience. I heard that he had just graduated from university at that time, and the one he fell in love with was a classmate of his. For some reason, the two of them have a very good relationship, and they lived together for a while.I'm sorry, this cohabitation is different from other cohabitation of men and women. They just live together, and it is impossible to sleep together. I heard that the female classmate was very scared, so she kept reminding Mr. Gu, don't touch me, a man If you touch a woman, the woman will get pregnant, and I don't want to get pregnant.Whether this is the truth is impossible to verify, but they lived together for half a year, and nothing really happened.The breakup is said to be because of the girl's mother, who was a strong woman from a small town, who saved her daughter's college education and wanted her daughter to take the postgraduate entrance examination.She ran from town to see her daughter.In the end, I bumped into my daughter cooking instant noodles for Mr. Gu.You really can’t imagine how that girl cooks instant noodles. She fills an aluminum pot with water, puts a few packs of instant noodles in it, then adds some vegetables and a few eggs, and sits by the liquefied gas with a book in her hand. .When the pot was boiling, he screamed for Mr. Gu to come and eat.As a result, Mr. Gu spent a long time trying to fish out the noodles, but the eggs did.But the egg skin is still there.The girl thought that the egg skin would fall off naturally as soon as it was cooked, but she didn't know what to do after it fell off.
The girl's mother exclaimed even more exaggeratedly: "Oh my God, I can't bear to let you do a job if you serve him like this. Fortunately, you have become a housewife instead of reading."
This matter is naturally blown up, but fortunately, the girl's mother hasn't found out about their cohabitation, if she knew, she might argue with Teacher Gu for compensation.After that, Teacher Gu never fell in love again.He said that falling in love is too troublesome, two people have to cook together, it is not as simple as eating in a cafeteria.
This is the second time Teacher Gu came with Professor Suning. Yuyin couldn't figure out whether it was Teacher Gu's intention or Professor Suning was forced to bring an unmarried man here because of his aunt's entrustment.Anyway, when she saw Teacher Gu, she wanted to laugh.Occasionally, she also thought, if she was really married to such a man, what would her life be like in the future?After thinking about it, she laughed again, she was laughing at her aunt.Did my aunt suffer from andrakuma? I heard that there is such a disease in medicine. She should ask Nurse Xiao for advice when she has time.
Professor Su Ning came today because he had something important to discuss with his aunt.The trip to the desert in summer made Professor Suning feel a lot of emotion. He originally thought that professors should seriously teach students.Teachers, preaching and imparting karma to solve doubts, as for those things in society, it is best to stay as far away as possible.After experiencing that turmoil, Professor Su Ning's concept changed, especially seeing the hardships of life in the sand country and the deterioration of the desert ecology, his heart was no longer restless.During this time, he did two things.One is the professors and scholars of colleges and universities in the joint provinces and cities.There are also business backbones of some academic units who jointly wrote an investigation report to the provincial government.It is suggested to "fill the well" in Sha County.According to data from the Sha County Statistics Bureau, the area of cultivated land in Sha County is 1.1 million mu, which is five times higher than that at the beginning of Liberation.This seems to be a great achievement. Based on the current agricultural population of Sha County, the per capita arable land is nearly five mu.He recently made two consecutive trips to Sha County. According to his information, the area of arable land is far more than this number, and it may be almost doubled. This is the error of statistics.At present, the figures used by the statistics department are still the figures when the production is contracted to households. In recent years, farmers in Sha County have reclaimed land on a large scale, coupled with the unrestrained expansion of state-owned farms and individual farmers, the original large deserts have long been turned into fertile fields.As a result, the per capita arable land in Sha County has already exceeded ten mu.Farmland has to be raised by motorized wells, and the Sha County government may not know how many motorized wells there are in Sha County.But a scary truth is.Large-scale exploitation of groundwater has become the most critical factor in ecological deterioration.Therefore, in order to fundamentally solve ecological problems, the first thing is to "fill the well".If the arable land in Shaxian County can be reduced by two-thirds and the motor-driven wells can be filled in half, the water crisis in Shaxian County can be alleviated.Of course, this problem is common in the Huyang River Basin, but it is more prominent in Sha County.Professor Su Ning is making a plan to spend three years leading graduate students to make a comprehensive statistics of the number of motorized wells and annual water extraction in the Huyang River Basin, so as to provide a basis for government decision-making.
Another thing, Professor Suning plans to build three water resources research stations in the Huyang River Basin, one in the upper reaches, one in the middle and one in the lower reaches.At present, the upstream and midstream points have been basically determined. He originally planned to build the downstream research station in the desert reservoir, but affected by the last incident, he still has lingering fears about the desert reservoir.After much deliberation, he decided to choose Shawopu.The completion of the research station can not only be used as a teaching point, but also allow hydrology and water resources research to be combined with the reality of the river basin. Only in this way can the research results be authentic and more convincing.He came today to discuss this matter with Zaohua.
"Build it quickly. It just matches the research of the Desert Research Institute. The two companies complement each other's strengths, and the results will be produced faster."
Zaohua listened, but didn't show the excitement she should have, as if what Professor Su Ning said had nothing to do with her.From time to time, his gaze moved away from Professor Suning's face, and sneakily moved to Teacher Gu's face.Zaohua did ask Professor Suning about this matter, and Professor Suning agreed to her, saying that he would try his best to find a good partner for Yuyin.Looking at it, Zaohua felt sad. Could this be the good guy he found?For a while, Zaohua's heart was a little confused, and it was on Teacher Gu.No matter how she looked at it, she didn't like it, and no matter how she looked at it, she felt that Yin'er could not be handed over to this man.So, Zaohua was disappointed with Professor Suning who was talking eloquently in front of her, and she was still faintly angry.Why is he such a person? Could it be that in his eyes, Yin'er really can't get married?
Zaohua wanted to cry.For so many days, she has been worrying, suffering, bored and anxious about this matter.If it wasn't for Yin'er, she wouldn't have performed the operation so obediently.She is sick, can she be cured by surgery?Zaohua is not a fool, nor is she a person who is greedy for life and afraid of death.After living to this point, she really felt that she had had enough and was tired of living, especially after that person left, living was even more tiring, and she was still looking forward to relief as soon as possible.
But she just couldn't worry about Yin'er.God, how can you let go, how can you make her let go?When thinking about Yin'er, Zaohua wants to live and must live.She can't just leave like that, that person can leave with a flick of her hand, she can't, she has to watch Yin'er get married and find someone she can entrust to her for the rest of her life.Now, she doesn't care whether Yin'er goes to school or whether she can graduate from graduate school. What she cares about is to quickly find such a person, before she closes her eyes, she can put Yin'er's hand in his hands with confidence.
A woman needs a reliable person to hold your hand all her life. If you don't have this hand, a woman will be miserable.
Thinking of this, she was overwhelmed by pain, writhing in pain.It was her life that was more bitter than bitter water...
Of course, Professor Su Ning would not have guessed Zaohua's thoughts. In fact, he brought Teacher Gu here, which had nothing to do with Zaohua's entrustment. He even forgot about Zaohua's entrustment.How could a person like Professor Su Ning take Zaohua's entrustment seriously? His own wife told him ten things, and he could remember just one that moved her to tears.He brought Teacher Gu here because he needed to take a taxi back and forth, buy gifts, and ask the nurse, which ward Zaohua lived in?Wait, these things are really troublesome. It is much more convenient to bring Teacher Gu, and let him do everything.
Professor Su Ning finally finished talking about his thoughts and the prospect he had drawn in his heart. Seeing that Zaohua was not happy, he thought he was talking too much. It’s really unique, I’ve been there twice, and I feel like it’s a landscape.”
These words were originally from the heart, and Professor Su Ning said it very sincerely, but Zaohua's face darkened after hearing it.Professor Su Ning could not have imagined that this mahogany house is actually a wound and a knot to Zaohua.A grave that has been buried in my heart for half my life.
That is the most untouchable place in a woman's heart.
The mahogany house was built in that smoky past.
At that time, Shawopu was already quiet.The general battle had long since ended, and the cadres from the commune and the county had all left, as had members from the four townships and neighbors.After they finished building the reservoir, they supported the five Buddhas in the upper reaches to flatten a large desert, and then they suddenly died down and went back to their respective homes.
No one remembers Shawopu any more, or Dazhaitian here.Like a gust of wind, when it blows, it blows away, as for what is blown out.People are really not interested in watching it.
The sand nest is covered with devastation, it is a mess, it is too horrible to look at.The trees are gone, the tamarisks are gone, and the seabuckthorns and Haloxylon are gone.The nine sand beams and the sand lake surrounded by sand beams look like wolves have eaten through them, with lumps and lumps, which makes people die at a glance.
The wind was blowing from the northern desert, and it was very strong.It was also bleak.The wind that year was stronger than a knife, and it hit people's faces, not like wind, but like mouths.Pain is secondary, it's going to die, it's really going to die.On the side of Wudaoliangzi, more than a dozen wealthy locals were pulling a shelf cart, and they were still leveling the ground. They made this movement confused and stupid, and they couldn't stop it.As long as the sky is bright, I can't help but pull on the shelf car.Pull soil into Dazhai fields.They were not to blame, no one told them to stop, and no one told them how long they would have to work, as if they had been chained to Shawopu all their lives.The three nearby beams, Zheng Dayuan, and the remaining three old righties were listless, staring at the desert all day in a daze.The twelfth lunar month of the previous year.A few people were brought up in the province, and the other old righties were taken away, saying that they were dragged to other places to continue to reform.Zheng Dayuan was also waiting at first, thinking that maybe one day, someone will come to take him away.But he had waited for winter, and now he was waiting for spring, but he didn't even wait for a bird to come.
Zaohua sat alone on the Erdaoliangzi.
She could have left to repair the reservoir with her brother Niu Genshi. She is the captain of the Iron Girls.No one dared to stop me wherever I wanted to go.Or, if she went back to Shawan Village directly, if Dazhai couldn't repair the fields, she wouldn't go back to her own village to farm?But she can't go.I really can't go.
Her heart was lost in Shawopu, and in a person.
This past winter, something unexpected happened, really unexpected.Zaohua really didn't understand, how could she force herself into his arms?Shame to death.I'm so ashamed, what should I do now, what should I do?
She glanced down at her body, and then again, and she was overwhelmed with fright.Tie girl Zaohua was so frightened that she was at a loss.
She grew up so big, when did she get scared?God, what's the deal with this, what's the job?It would be great if people knew about it!
When it was dark, the landlord Chen Sanliang came over, coughed from a distance, then stopped, and looked at her for a long time, Chen Sanliang said: "Baby, what should I do?"
She doesn't know, she really doesn't know.
"Baby, why don't you?" Chen Sanliang didn't dare to continue, and she didn't dare to continue to listen. She covered her body with her hands and ran away.
The landlord Chen Sanliang sighed sadly.
The next day, in the dark of night, an ox cart quietly entered the desert. In addition to the landlord's wife, Chen Sanliang's wife, there was another person in the cart, Chang Baguan.
If Zaohua doesn't go, she will never leave him or Shawopu even if she dies.Chen Sanliang can't help it, and the landlady's wife can't help it either. If there is a way, it's just a Chang Baguan. "Listen to me, girl, what time is it, ah, what time is it? Do you want to live? If you don't want to live, tell me, let me go, I will turn around and leave, what do you want to do?" Really turned around.Chen Sanliang's woman was in a hurry, so she knelt down to Chang Baguan in a hurry: "His brother, save the baby, the baby is a good baby..."
"Alas—" Chang Baguan stomped heavily, Yuan turned his head away again.
Finally, Zaohua opened her mouth, and it was very difficult to open her mouth: "Brother, I want to live, I want to live."
"Get in the car if you want to live!"
So, on that chilly spring night, two women were pulled by an ox cart.At this time she has become a woman and can no longer be called a girl.Unconsciously, quietly walked out of Shawopu.Under the cover of Chang Baguan, he came to the home of the landlord Chen Sanliang.The landlord Chen Sanliang was under the management of Chang Baguan, and Chang Baguan issued an order that the landlord's wife could not leave the house, and stayed at home obediently.With this squat, I have squatted through spring, squatted through summer, and squatted until the desert is covered with snow.
In the spring of the next year, Zaohua returned to Shawopu. She couldn't stay at Chen Sanliang's house all the time, it would be a bad thing, and if people found out, Chen Sanliang's family would suffer.You can't go back to Shawan Village either, the people in Shawan Village have bright eyes.If any flaws are found, the play will be for nothing, not only for nothing, but the protagonists of the play may be tied to the rope and have broken shoes.
Shawopu was quiet, and two old righties were called away, and the rich people also returned to the village. They were responsible for cleaning the villages. The movement was likely to end early, and the county commune was gone. big movement.Although the red flag is still flying in the sand nest, and the spring breeze is blowing, the drums of war have long since ceased to sound.Only Zheng Dayuan and an old right named Kong were left in Shawopu. Kong was a teacher because he shared the same surname with Kong Laoer.It was also mentioned in the classroom, and he was designated as the disciple and grandson of Confucius, and he was to be punished for 10,000 years.
Zheng Dayuan didn't know what happened to Zaohua, let alone where she was in the past year.The landlord Chen Sanliang only said to him briefly: "She was taken away." Taking away was the jargon at that time, and anyone could understand it. People were taken away every day. The revolution did not distinguish between east, west, north, and south. Sports can't be divided into small circles, and you should go where you need it most.
Seeing Zaohua for the first time, Zheng Dayuan was a little stunned. He felt that Zaohua seemed to have lost weight, his face was not as rosy as before, and there was something missing in his eyes.What is missing?Zheng Dayuan thought for a long time before he realized that what was missing was that heat, that blazing, that fire-like fascination.Zheng Dayuan didn't dare to ask more questions. He couldn't ask about many things. He hadn't been given the right to speak by his superiors. He was a man with his tail between his legs and worked honestly. This was the rule they had to abide by.Although the people who guarded them also left one by one, the movement was not completely over.The curse on the head cannot be regarded as lifted.Even though there are only three of them left in Shawopu, their identities are different and their status cannot be equal.He could only hide far behind Shaliangzi and watch what Zaohua was doing in the ground nest.
Zaohua actually didn't do anything. During the long days, she only did one thing: think.She misses the person who is close at hand, and even more misses the piece of flesh that fell from her body.
At the end of autumn, a car came, and two people jumped out of the car, shouting from a distance: "Zheng Dayuan, is Zheng Dayuan there?"
Zheng Dayuan was cooking in the burrow, so he rushed out and responded, "Report, the rightist Zheng Dayuan is here." The young man who called his name was Long Jiumiao. He looked around, eyes full of yellow. The endless desolation in the sand made him feel fearful of the desert at the moment. He coughed and said to Zheng Dayuan, whose hair was like wormwood, two helpers: "Zheng Dayuan, after receiving the notice from the superior, you are now with Let's go back."
"Go back?" Zheng Dayuan didn't seem to understand the meaning of these two words.He stared at Long Jiumiao, who was much younger than him, in confusion.
"Why, you still want to be stubborn in the desert?"
"No, I dare not." Zheng Dayuan's voice trembled a little, but what trembled more than his voice was his heart.Later, when he was carrying his luggage to the car, his legs were shaking, very reluctant and helpless.It was as if there was a rope in the desert, tied firmly to his feet, trying to hold him whole.But who can hold it back? At that time, as long as someone shouted the word "organization", even if it was going up the mountain of swords and down into the sea of fire, who would dare to delay it?
Zheng Dayuan finally left, walking in the shouts of Long Jiumiao, walking in the yellow wind in autumn, and walking in the tears of another person.The car disappeared for a long time before Zaohua ran out after hitting the sand beams, and ran on the long yellow sandy driveway.She vaguely saw a woman sitting in the car, very similar to Ye Ziqiu who came last time.
Zaohua didn't eat or drink a sip of water for two days in a row.She felt that she was going to die, she couldn't survive this autumn, so she simply closed her eyes and waited for death.
The teacher surnamed Kong is worried all day long, but he dare not cross the dividing line.At that time, there was a line between the three beams and the second beam, which was a small ditch dug with a shovel.That is the boundary between good and evil, between criticizing and being criticized, reforming and being reformed, and no one dares to cross that line easily.Even Zheng Dayuan never had the courage.All the stories happened when Zaohua unfortunately crossed over to him.In particular, Zaohua was left alone on the righteous side of Shawopu, that line.It has another meaning, it has become the dividing line between men and women.
The teacher surnamed Kong hesitated for two days, and also contradicted for two days, and finally, with a cruel heart, stepped over.But when he stepped over, he was still, motionless, only his eyes were looking around, his ears were listening, and he couldn't move his steps.This step is really risky. If there are eyes in the desert and see this step, his life will be over.Fortunately, after watching for a long time, he didn't see anything unusual in the desert, and he couldn't hear anyone rushing over, so he breathed a sigh of relief.It’s not that the teacher surnamed Kong was too sensitive. In those years, such things happened frequently. If you talked in your sleep at night, someone would expose it. If you kicked a stone while walking, someone would say that you were dissatisfied with the sports and vented your personal anger.It’s true that people are gone, but the eyes don’t necessarily go away. Suddenly, eyes pop out and watch your actions. Then you just wait for the crime to be aggravated.
After a long time, the teacher surnamed Kong made sure that this step did not cause any trouble, so he took the courage to move forward again.When he was approaching Diwozi, he stopped, looked around again, and then called out in a low voice, "Zaohua, Captain Zaohua."
No one responded for a long time, and the desert was as scary as death. The teacher surnamed Kong didn't dare to hesitate anymore, and jumped into the nest in a few steps.This leap scared his heart out.
If Zaohua really died in the ground, he would not be able to explain what he said. In an instant, he thought of many crimes, and even heard gunshots.He was so frightened that he grabbed Zaohua and shook it into the living room, shouting while shaking: "Zaohua, Zaohua, you can't die."
Zaohua slowly opened her eyes, and the teacher surnamed Kong was happy: "Let me tell you, you are a strong girl, why would you want to die?"
After saying this, he was silent again.The teacher surnamed Kong really couldn't find anything to say to comfort this woman who desperately needed it.Zaohua was even more speechless, what else could she say, that person just left so ruthlessly, throwing her in this place where there is no world, in this world which is not the world, she still What can I say!
After a while, the teacher surnamed Kong said: "He has no choice but to force him to leave. Don't worry, he will come back. He is a good man and will not leave you alone."
How can Zaohua hear such words, the teacher surnamed Kong is still talking to himself.Try to pick some good things to say, Zaohua's side is already full of tears.
Wait until winter again.
The jujube flower looks through the autumn water, and the shadow is still not seen on the sidewalk that has been buried by the yellow sand.In a snowstorm in winter, the teacher surnamed Kong died.He was frozen to death.Shawopu was extremely cold that winter, and the cold wind rolled the snowflakes, making the desert scream all night.Chang Baguan still came every ten days, yelling for an ox cart, bringing flour and firewood.Niu Genshi was supposed to do this. After all, Shawopu still belongs to Shawan Village, and Niu Zaohua is also his own sister.But after that incident, Niu Genshi hated this girl so much that he didn't want to see her again.Think about it, my wife Su Jiaojiao just gave birth to Niu Yuhu half a year ago, and she has to close the door to prepare for confinement. Who can hide this matter?But if you can't hide it, you have to hide it. If you don't hide it, who will you give Yuyin to?I can't really follow what the landlord Chen Sanliang said: "If you really don't like it, I will raise it. I'm afraid that when you grow up, you will also be a landlord." I have performed all the plays that should be acted, a blood bubble, hiding in hiding, easy?Fortunately, Chang Baguan had a good mouth, so he insisted on telling the way out. The girl film was hidden in the landlord's house for a year, and then quietly, in the calculated month, it was sent to Niu's house.He also secretly invited a ghost, a ghost, and a snake spirit, and after walking around Niu's house, the people of Shawan village heard that the Niu's house had to avoid the door for seven to forty-nine days, and no relatives or neighbors were allowed to enter.Forty-nine days have passed, and it will take seventy-nine days to invite Pluto.Anyway, there is always a reason, and outsiders are always not allowed to enter.I was afraid that people would see the flaws in the future, so I didn't dare to feed the baby, and I didn't dare to make the baby cry. When the baby can be carried out to see people, it will really be as old as a few months.Fortunately, no one chewed their tongues.
Chang Baguan drove the bullock cart, first came to Zaohua, saw that she was thinner than last time, and said unhappily: "Sister, why don't you listen to what you say? People live a lifetime, not just dropping a few drops." Tears can be shed. Difficult things happen to everyone. When they happen, you have to straighten your chest, raise your head, and have to eat your stomach. You are so worried, who will you give the baby to? Don’t you just have the heart? Dragging down your brother and sister-in-law for a lifetime?"
These words worked, as soon as the baby was mentioned, Zaohua became energetic, took the cornbread brought by Chang Baguan, and gnawed it under cold water.Chang Baguan then smiled and said: "You eat, I'll go and see Kong Lao Er, it's so cold, don't freeze Kong Lao Er to death."
As a result, as soon as the person ran into the nest, the voice came out: "I'm dead, I'm freezing to death, my God, I'm really freezing to death."
A big living person really froze to death, frozen stiff, sticking out on the grass like a dead tree stump.Chang Baguan croaked a few times and hurried to the village.After a while, a few people came, took a straw mat, rolled up the teacher surnamed Kong, built a kiln first, and buried it on the side of Shahu Lake.Chang Baguan holds the official seal of the brigade.There is also an official letter, and I went to the commune to report the funeral.
Zaohua is the only one left in Shawopu.
The strange thing is that from that day on, Zaohua suddenly lost her fear, really.When Heili fell asleep, she would suddenly turn over and run into the nest here, and when she ran in, she couldn't sit still, and turned around for a while.Then he went to the kiln again.
At that time, she felt that what was buried in the kiln was not Teacher Kong alone, but everyone who had been to Shawopu, including her, including her brother Niu Genshi, including the man she thought, read, and hated, and even There are also Chang Baguan.She sat by the kiln, talking non-stop, talking crazy things, saying things she couldn't understand at night, until the day was bright.
At dawn, she pushed the shelf cart and started to get busy.这一次，她不是挖土，不是砍树，她在干一件天底下最最愚蠢的事，她要把沙窝铺恢复过来！
恢复过来。
这一辈子，她就做了这一件事，她终于能欣慰了，沙窝铺在她手里，渐渐地，有了过去的影子。
红木房子是第二年秋季盖的，姓孔的老师果然没说错，郑达远没丢下她，赶在冬季结束前回到了沙窝铺。后来枣花才知道，郑达远真是被逼无奈。龙九苗接他去，本来是要想法儿让他留在沙漠所的，那时的运动已转了向，风声也弱了点儿，各单位已经有能力保护自己的右派了。谁知，省上要在窑街修矿，缺人手，所有的右派及反动学术权威全又集中起来，到窑街修矿。也是在修矿的那些个日子，郑达远才发现，自己已离不开沙漠，离不开沙窝铺了。于是他又犯了一回错，在一次思想认识会上，他说，“修矿我不反对，但我反对不让人吃饱肚子，肚子吃不饱，修出来的矿也是欠产矿，将来怕是不出煤。”这话立刻作为反动言论，得到狠批。上级怕他把别的右派带坏，给他罪加一等，又将他打回沙窝铺。气得省城的叶子秋直骂：“他这哪是跟革命作对，简直是想死在沙窝铺！”
没有人听懂叶子秋这句话，包括年轻的龙九苗。听懂的，怕只有郑达远，还有苦苦守候在沙漠里的牛枣花。
两个人这次见面，比想象中的要多情，要热烈，甚至，有点儿如饥似渴的味道。还没等押送他的工作人员离开，郑达远便跃出地窝子，跃过沙梁子，扑进了枣花的地窝子里。
经历了这么多事，两个人终于知道，他们要为自己争取了。那时候还不敢叫幸福，也不敢叫自由，只说是争取帮助。冥顽不化的郑达远需要争取牛枣花的帮助，扎根沙漠的牛枣花需要把这个顽固分子争取过来。这主意是常八官出的，常八官也是这样跟公社汇报的。公社书记顾不上这些，跟常八官说：“看紧点儿，要是胆敢给我争取出个狗崽子来，我拿你是问。”
“哪敢，他要是敢打铁姑娘的主意，我常八官阉掉他！”
等回到沙窝铺，常八官就说：“白日谁做谁的，还是不能过那条线。夜里天黑，我看不见，但不能再弄下麻烦事儿。”
就这一句，露出馅了。常八宫后来很后悔，为啥要多说那一句呢，不说不会把自己憋死。本来，生下玉音的事，跟谁也瞒着，包括死去的孔老二，包括郑达远，都瞒着，没敢让知道，也不能让知道。枣花这边，更是铁定了主意不让郑达远知道，谁知，就这一句，让郑达远起疑心了。
“你说，说呀，他指的麻烦事儿，是啥？”
夜里，地窝子里，郑达远一遍遍问。枣花咬着嘴唇，就是不说。问急了，她恶上一句：“你还要不要争取帮助了，不想要，回，去！”
郑达远就安稳了，他怕枣花真把他赶回去。安稳上一会儿，又耐不住，接着问：“是不是那次……？”
“有说的没，没说的，出去干活儿去！”
事情真正露馅，还是因为苏娇娇。初秋时节，两个人正在堆防沙墙，所谓的防沙墙，就是把已经平整的大寨田重新挑成沟，隔十条沟，堆一堵墙。墙不高，也没法堆高，但能挡住黄沙。每十条沟挡一次，三道梁子这边的沙就少多了。这是郑达远想出的办法，后来证明，这法子行，在最初的几年里，确实管了不少用。
正堆着，苏娇娇来了，坐着牛车，抱着娃，跑来要钱了。娃她可以拉，拉扯娃耽搁掉的工分钱，姓郑的不能不出。姓郑的二次来沙漠，这都大半年了，居然一分钱也不往沙湾村送，装个没事人似的。我叫你装，再装，我给你把娃扔下，看钱重要还是你的名声重要？
枣花三拦挡四拦挡，苏娇娇还是把话甩在了郑达远面子里。苏娇娇真是个敢说敢做的女人，这种事儿，换上别的女人，打死也不敢。她敢！不但敢，还把话说得很绝：“我这是头一次，也是最后一次，你若再装个辩不过，我把娃抱到省城去。”
郑达远哑了，牛枣花哑了，沙漠也哑了。
天呀，真是有这么档子事！哑过之后，郑达远突地抱住头，蹲下了。
那一年，郑达远来回在沙窝铺和省城问跑了三趟，头两趟是常八官陪着去的，名义是看着他。后一趟，是郑达远偷着去的。先是闹离婚，后来见离婚闹不成，就跟叶子秋丢下一句话：“我是不回来了，死也要死在沙漠，日子，你看着过。”
然后，他就张罗着在沙窝铺盖房。盖房多难啊，难得几乎都让枣花动摇了，尤其是来自哥哥那边的压力，更是让她没了信心。牛根实骂她：“疯了，魔了，与其盖房，你还不如挖个坑，两个人跳进去埋掉算了。”可郑达远不死心，一根筋挑到头了，枣花刚一妥协，他便说：“这房，不是盖给你的，是盖给我女儿！”
“你女儿？”
“不管你恨也好，骂也好，女儿我迟早得要回来。我就不信，我郑达远等不来那一天。”
谁知，他真就没等到那一天。
常八官真是个热心肠的人，若不是他，这红木房。怕是一辈子也盖不起来。他跟公社说：“姓郑的有了悔过表现，想在沙窝里扎根，赎一辈子罪。”公社书记正头疼哩，想也没想便说：“那就让他扎。”
这话像尚方宝剑，一下给常八官壮了胆，打发十几个社员，拉着红木椽子，苦干了十天，终于盖起了这院沙漠里独一无二的房。
搬进红木房子那天，他们合着吃了顿饭，算是对过去生活的告别，也算是对未来生活的憧憬。这个时候，两个人心里是没有恨的，只有深深的依恋。他们知道，往后的日子还很艰难，将来到底会发生什么，谁也难以预料。
好在他们心中也没有太大的奢望，尤其枣花，她似乎已做好了吃苦受罪的准备。
月儿升起时，两个人来到院中，那晚的月儿很美，月光柔柔的，洒满了小院，也温柔地抚摸在两个人心上。那是两颗受伤的心啊，也是两颗被岁月折磨着的心。两个人望着月，忽然无话，真的，那一刻，他们突然感觉语言是多余的，月儿替他们把啥都说了出来。枣花偎在郑达远怀里，脸贴着他的胸，贴得那样紧。郑达远也大着胆子，伸出手，轻轻抚着她的肩。
月儿真美。风儿真柔。后来，后来他们说起了孩子，是郑达远先提起这话题的，枣花这次没回避，而是很像个小母亲似的给孩子描绘起了未来。一股蜜意漫上来，甜甜地滋润着他们的心。后来枣花说：“娃还没个名字哩。”郑达远脱口就道：“就叫月儿，她是月亮神的女儿。”
那个叫月儿的女子，像一棵刺，一直长在叶子秋心上，从来就没拔掉过。
想想，叶子秋这一生，真是有些荒诞。说她不成功吧，她很成功。运动中没出事，平平安安度过了。运动一结束，她便像是交足了好运。先是被提拔为车间工段长，随后又升为车间副主任，然后一步步地，到了最显赫的位子。甭小看她过去担任过的职务，那是省重点企业，几千号人哩。叶子秋那位置，比下面一个市长或市委书记还重要。荣誉更不用提，省劳模，“三八红旗手”，“巾帼标兵”，直到全国劳模，多大的荣誉啊，她这辈子，算没白活。但，女人不是为地位活的，也不是为荣誉活的，这点，叶子秋很清楚。
这辈子，她活得亏，活得冤，活得不甘心。
一个一辈子也没得到自个儿男人心的女人，一个一辈子也没跟自个儿男人掏过一句心窝子话的女人，能说成功？
其实对月儿，叶子秋一开始是打算接受的，那个年代，什么样的事都会发生，自个儿身上，不是也发生了荒诞的事吗？如果不接受月儿，沙沙又跟谁交代？这是叶子秋当时的真实想法，这想法很令她难受，但没办法，人总是要面对很多难受事儿的，不能因为难受，就把它驱开，就把它抛到自己的人生之外。叶子秋毕竟是个坚强的女人，对这份儿打击，她还经得住。
于是在一个天还算暖、风还算柔和的日子里，叶子秋再次来到沙窝铺。之前她已来过两次，一次是听说郑达远跟枣花的事，她跑来闹的，结果没闹成。人家压根儿就不在一起住，干活儿虽是在一起，但干完，又各回各的窝。枣花当然是进了红木小院，郑达远自然得进他的地窝子。那时节沙窝铺又多了十来个人，是从县上发配下来的，都是些对运动心存不满的人，大部分是老师，县上把这些人交给郑达远管，这也是沙窝铺最早一批植树者。叶子秋揣着一肚子火来，一看郑达远过得那么可怜，心一下给酸了，啥也没说，帮他洗了衣服、被窝，做了一顿饭，地窝子里住了一宿，走了。
那一宿，郑达远没碰她，睡到后来，他跑别的地窝子去睡了。
第二次，叶子秋是想把郑达远弄回去，那时上面刚好有个政策，她也求了不少人，答应把郑达远弄回去。谁知，郑达远拒绝了。叶子秋很绝望，他怎么就这么迷恋沙漠，难道他真要跟这个沙乡女人过一辈子？那次他们吵了架，那是他们第一次公开吵。叶子秋控制不住地说：“你跟她的事，过去的我可以不闻不问，孩子我也可以接回去，但你必须跟我走，我不可能把你留在沙漠！”
“分开吧，子秋，我们在一起不合适，我不想拖累你，这辈子，我可能就要老死在沙漠了。”郑达远说得很苍凉，一点儿不像是跟她说气话，反倒让她觉得，他是在真心替她想。叶子秋控制住自己的情绪，她知道自己很多事上做得过火，伤了他，现在，她真是想弥补他。“达远，听我一句。你不能这样活下去，你是有前途的人，我不想让你毁在这沙窝窝里。”
“前途？”郑达远突然用两只空茫的眼睛瞪住她，瞪得很恐怖，瞪得让人心惊肉跳，“我还有前途，你真会说笑啊。”说完，他扛起铁锨，扔下她往三道粱子走了。
一股旋风卷起，差点儿把叶子秋击倒。
叶子秋这次来，是让郑达远填表的，运动总算结束，生活又开始朝另一个方向掉头。昨天发生的一切，噩梦一般结束了，人们开始用新的目光张望未来。郑达远属于平反对象，上面正在给他落实政策。
郑达远一开始不相信，不明白平反两个字做何解释，他的思维真像是出了问题，脑子也仿佛生了锈般迟钝。等叶子秋一遍遍跟他讲清楚，又将文件读给他听完，令人惊讶的一幕发生了，郑达远突地推开众人，奔出地窝子，放野了双腿，在沙漠里狂奔起来。他奔过三道梁子。奔过四道梁子，在五道梁子上喊了句什么，然后挥舞着双手。野人一般，冲向六道梁子。众人的惊望里，他将九步沙狂踩了一遍，然后奔回来，眼看要奔向红木小院，又突地转身，直直地扑向自个儿住了多年的地窝子。
他在地窝子前跪倒了，尔后趴下，整个身子匍匐在地面上，长久地，趴着，不起来。沙窝铺那些还戴着帽子的右派们全都伸直了目光，诧诧地看着他，不明白这个平日古里古怪的男人要做什么。就在叶子秋惊乍乍地想扑向他时，他忽然起身，冲天空长啸一声：“苍天呀，你总算开了眼。”
叶子秋的步子止住了，她清清楚楚看见，平日脸上绝少有表情的郑达远突然间丰富了自己的脸，不只如此，他的两眼几乎是热泪狂涌，奔泻不止。
他一连喊了五声苍天，然后跃起来说：“我要回去，我要回去，我一定要回去！”
这一次出奇的顺利，郑达远连一刻也没耽搁，很听话地跟着叶子秋，离开了沙窝铺。走出三道梁子时，叶子秋心想他一定会朝后望一眼，甚至望得很可能有点儿长。可是没有，他真是没望一眼，像一个渴望上学的孩子奔向学堂般，大步流星就往四道梁子走。
那一刻叶子秋被幸福感染着，被一种久违了的情感袭上心来，她几乎有点儿晕眩。跃过三道梁子时，她忍不住停下脚，朝二道梁子这边望了望。红木院子静静的，并没响出她担心的吱呀声。那张始终在她脑子里挥不走的脸，这一天也没出现。叶子秋有种说不出的轻松，但也隐隐地，有层伤感。毕竟，那也是一个女人呀。
事情并没叶子秋预想的那么好，原以为，只要回来，只要平了反，郑达远就能立刻忘掉沙漠，忘掉那里的一切，安安心心跟她过日子。再怎么说，日子还得过下去，而且展现在他们眼前的，将是很美好、很有希望的日子。已经有消息透露，平反后的郑达远很有可能担任某项职务，而且主持课题。毕竟，那是一个万物亟待复苏的年代，人才两个字，已到了很危机的地步。谁知就在这一天，郑达远突然抛下她跟沙沙，一声不响地离开省城，又回他的沙窝铺去了。
叶子秋后来想，如果不是牛枣花，郑达远很可能会拥有另一种人生，至少，他不会把一生浪费在那一片树上。那原本就不是他砍倒的树啊，凭什么他要像赎罪者一样，一棵一棵再把它种出来。当然，她也会想到另一层，如果不是牛枣花，她跟郑达远的婚姻，可能就要中止在那个春天。
那是个沙枣花很香的春天，那一年的沙枣花开得很急，似乎还没到绽放的时节，腾格里便被浓浓的沙枣花香弥漫了。万物跟人一样，都有些迫不及待，都有些心花怒放。独独只有牛枣花，像是对那个春天特别的迟钝，甚至有些恨它的到来。
叶子秋没想到，牛枣花会把郑达远撵回来，这是多么不可思议的事，但它确实发生了。郑达远兴冲冲回到沙窝铺，刚说了句：“我回来了。”牛枣花猛就冷下脸：“你回来做什么，这里有什么好？回去，回你的省城，回你的沙漠所去。”说完，硬将郑达远搡出小院子，“砰”一声，那扇院门便生生地对郑达远紧闭了。任凭郑达远怎么敲，怎么哀求，那扇门，再也没开过。就是在后来的日子，叶子秋也深信，那座红木小院里，再也没发生过她担心的事儿。她信，她真的信。
“她也不容易啊。”叶子秋沉沉地发出一声叹，尔后，紧紧地闭上双眼，她怕泪水再一次将她淹没，更怕一睁开眼，滚滚往事便像洪水般，涌进她这一辈子都不曾有过温暖的家。
叶子秋现在一个人住，她的病基本上好了，或者她自己认为好了。护工姚姐让她打发到幼儿园去了，给孩子们做饭。这也是她深思过的，毕竞姚姐现在需要帮助，不能把她撵回家去。她把幼儿园托付给了一个可以信赖的人，又跟这人交代了几句，让她照顾好姚姐，就关上门，开始了一个人的生活。
护士肖依雯倒是来过，两次，她没让进。江长明打电话，说是让肖依雯替她再查查身体，她冲着话筒就吼：“长明，你是想气死我啊，这个姓肖的有什么好？！”吼完，扔了电话，无力地倒在沙发上。她知道自己为什么要瘫倒，更知道自己为什么要吼，吼完了为什么还会难受？
天下有谁能理解一颗做娘的心，天下又有谁真正懂得自己的母亲。半天，她喃喃地叫出一声：“沙沙，我的沙沙呀。”
沙沙不是郑达远的女儿！It's a secret.却又不是秘密。有可能全天下的人都知道，也有可能没一个人知道。这辈子，叶子秋没跟任何人讲，包括郑达远，包括那个当初让她怀孕的男人。
但她相信，郑达远一清二楚，只不过，他装了糊涂，装了一辈子。他真是能装啊，这么别扭这么煎心的事，他竟然一辈子问都没问一句。
沙沙比月儿大两岁，不，两岁零七个月又六天。
岁月真是不堪回想，叶子秋说啥也没想到，就那么一次，仓仓惶惶中，巨大痛苦里，向国忠竟能让她怀孕！这事有七分是逼迫，三分，说不清。后来无数个日子，叶子秋问过自己，是情愿，还是被迫？是强暴，还是半推半就？她没问出答案，仿佛答案早在那一刻死去，连同她干净的身子，还有自以为清白的心灵，死掉了，死在向家那间破旧的小平房，死在那张有点儿肮脏的床上。死在那段乌云滚滚的日子。
叶子秋不怪自己，从来不怪。她知道自己是怎样一个人，她害怕运动，她又热爱运动。运动会让许多人走向倒霉，运动也会给许多人提供机会。相比之下，叶子秋喜欢机会，她也能把握机会。说真的，她怕倒霉，怕被牵连，怕被下放甚至批斗。年轻时候就怕，怕得很。这事要说容易得很，郑达远成了右派，她是郑达远的老婆，嫁对嫁错都是，改不了。就跟沙沙是她女儿一样，生对生错都是，改不掉。当时只要姓向的一句话，她的命运就会是另番样子，要么被赶到沙漠里，要么，就在工厂批斗。姓向的让她选，姓向的说这话时，眼睛是盯在她身上的，起先是脸，盯得她脸发了白，姓向的才把目光移下去，盯在胸上，盯得很狠。姓向的目光总是很狠。她的胸开始发热，真的是发热，后来，后来怎样，她不记得了。只记得姓向的走后，她的身子虚脱一般，比被强暴了还虚脱。
姓向的丢下一句话：“我等你做选择，路在你脚下，怎么走，你自己看。”真的在自己脚下吗？叶子秋不相信，她仔细看了看，发现脚下并没路。那个时候，叶子秋抱着一种很荒唐很白痴的想法。她不想惹恼姓向的，但也不想让他得逞。年轻的叶子秋想采取一种策略，既让姓向的多多少少看到那么一点儿希望，但又绝不给他希望。师傅海大姐提心吊胆地说：“你要小心啊，玩火是会被火烧掉的。”她不听，她就一个心思，抓紧当标兵，只要当了标兵，姓向的就不敢那样肆无忌惮地盯她的胸了，她的胸真是被姓向的盯得难受，很难受。
于是她拼命地千活儿，抢着干，不分昼夜地干，加班加点地千。人前干，人后还干。这干活儿有两层意思，一是干活儿能让标兵来得快一些，更重要的，干活儿能让她忘掉一切。包括沙漠里改造的郑达远，包括一天到晚苍蝇一般盯着她的向国忠。
没想。姓向的很顽固，比她还顽固。姓向的像是猜透了她的心思，天呀，怎么谁都能猜透她的心思？不过姓向的没说出来，他不可能说出来，他把目的藏在心里，只把动机露出来，只把那份执著露出来。是的，这点上，姓向的有优点，他真是执著。
坏就坏在那次沙漠之行，叶子秋要去看郑达远，她不能不去了，五年了，再不去，别人怎么看，郑达远又怎么想，再说她自己心里，也受不了！她并没打算跟郑达远划清界限，她为什么要划清？她只是想表现出一种划清的态度，只是想让别人看到，她是要划清的，但心里，她真是跟郑达远牢牢贴一起的。
姓向的说：“看他可以，但你必须跟他挑明态度，让他不再抱幻想。”
“啥态度？”她装作傻傻的，不明白的问。
“就是跟他决裂！”姓向的一咬牙，恨恨地说。
“这……”就在她犹豫的当儿，姓向的突然扑过来，一把子抱住她，抱得很紧。姓向的已多次这样抱她了，每次，他都喘着粗气儿，像是要死，抱住还要说：“我要你，我要你跟他决裂，跟他……”他上气不接下气了，他真是要死了。关键时刻，海大姐的咳嗽声就能响起来，由远而近，响在空气里，姓向的也怕出事，很不情愿地松开她。而那晚，海大姐的咳嗽声没响，空气很静，啥声儿也没。空气像是很稠，把啥也给压住了。姓向的抱得很用劲儿，气儿喘得更粗，起先他还有一句没一句地说：“我要你，要你……彻彻底底……跟他断，然后……跟我……”说到这儿，气断了，除了手上的动作，啥也没了。
要说她是能逃开的，如果真想逃，姓向的不会得逞。after all.强奸犯三个字，在那个年代还是很要命的，姓向的再怎么着，也不敢拿生命开玩笑。但她没逃。此后她便想，为啥就没逃呢？为啥就不逃吗！
能逃开为啥还不逃！
侥幸！叶子秋这一生，输就输在侥幸上，输在自己的心机上。到后来她才发现，自己太有心机了，心机成就了她，心机也毁了她！
第一次去沙漠的路上，她还在想，不就一次么，反正也是结过婚的女人，没啥，真的没啥，只要以后再不让他……
她就是抱着这样的想法，去看郑达远的。她以为这事郑达远不可能知道，谁也不可能知道。不知道就等于没发生！
事情出在一个月以后，大约四十天，叶子秋感觉麻烦来了，大麻烦。她愁，她恨，怎么办呢？她哭了几鼻子，又动上脑子了。她必须包住火。哪怕用一张纸，也要包住