Chapter 36 36

My mind relaxed a little at that point, but then I thought: He might be crouching in the back, so The mirror did not show him coming.So I managed to turn the car around, though I could hardly believe I was So weak that even the slightest bump made my head feel like someone was using a red-hot poker poke.Of course, no one was there.I tried to tell myself that the last time I saw him, he really It's just the shadow of the tree... the shadow of the tree, my brain is overworked. But I can't quite believe it, Ruth--even if the sun is about to rise and I'm out of the handcuffs, Out of the house and locked in his car.I have an idea, if he's not in the backseat, then in the

in the suitcase.If not in the trunk, then on the rear bumper.I think he's still with me In other words, he has been with me ever since.This is what I need to make you— You and someone else - understandable thing.That's all I really need to say.Since then he has been with me.Even though my sane mind decides that every time I see him, he's probably a tree Shadow and Moonlight, but he's still with me.Or maybe I should say it's with me.look, too When the sun rises, my visitor is "the pale man"; "Pale stuff" too.Either way, he or it, my sane mind couldn't put

abandon him.Because, every night, when the floorboards in the house creaked, I knew it was back. Whenever a funny tree shadow dances on the wall, I know it's back.whenever i hear unfamiliar When I heard the sound of Sid's footsteps walking toward the sidewalk, I knew it was back—back to finish its work.That It was there when I woke up in the Mercedes this morning.Almost every night it's where I'm at In a house on Eastern Avenue, perhaps behind a curtain, or standing in a closet with its wicker at its feet box.No wand can penetrate the heart of a real monster.Alas, Ruth, it wears me out.

Jessie rested for a while, emptied the overfilled ashtray, and lit another cigarette.She does this deliberately and slowly.Her hands were shaking slightly but visibly, she didn't want to drain herself.The cigarette was lit, and she took a deep drag, puffed out the smoke, set it on the ashtray, and returned to the computer. If the battery in the car died, I don't know what I'd do - I thought, sit There until someone comes, even if that means sitting there all day - but there's electricity, The engine starts with the first crank.I fell back from the pine I hit, and managed to pull the

The car headed toward the driveway.I keep wanting to look in the rearview mirror, but I don't dare, for fear I might see it.not Because it's there, you know - I know it's not there - but because my brain makes I see it. Finally, just as I got to Lane Bay, I did look up and I couldn't help it.Of course, the mirror There is nothing in the car, only the back seat.That made it easier to pass the rest of my journey.I drive on State Highway 117, then into Dakin's country shop - locals too poor to go to Langley Or Morton's Pub, just hang out in that kind of place.Most of them sat at the lunch counter, eating donuts,

Lying to each other about what they did on Saturday night.I pull into the gas station and sit there For five minutes or so, watching the loggers, janitors, and power company clerks come and go. I don't believe they're real - is it ridiculous?I kept thinking they were ghosts, soon My eyes adjust to the daylight and I can see through them.I'm thirsty again, whenever someone from When I came out, holding a small white Styrofoam coffee cup, I felt even thirstier. But I still can't bring myself to step out of the car door... among the ghosts, you might say. I think, eventually I will.But I haven't had time to muster up enough courage to pull up the ten thousand

Yes, Jamie Eggart drove up and pulled up next to me.jamie poston back Hugh Chartered Patent Attorney.Since his wife's death in 1987 or 1988, he has lived in by the lakeside.He got out of his Mustang, looked at me, recognized me, and started laughing.catch Seeing his face change, first concerned, then terrified.He walked up to the Mercedes, bent over Looking in through the window, he was so startled that all the wrinkles on his face smoothed out.i know very well I remember those vividly: how young Jamie Eggart was made by astonishment. I saw the expression of his mouth: Jesse, are you all right?I want to open the car door.

But suddenly I didn't dare.A crazy idea appeared in my mind.I've been called space The cowboy thing was at Jamie's house too, but Jamie wasn't as lucky as I was.it kills Killed him, slit his face, and put it on like a Halloween mask.i know it's crazy crazy thoughts, but knowing that doesn't help much because I can't stop thinking about it. I couldn't bring myself to open the damn car door either. I don't know how bad I looked that morning, and I don't wanna know, but the way I look Must be very ugly.Because soon Jamie Eggart's expression was no longer surprised.he looks

Scared enough to run, sick enough to throw up, but he neither ran nor threw up.God bless him!other What it did was open the car door and ask me what happened, was there an accident or someone hurt me. I just have to look down to see how miserable I look, when the injury on my wrist The mouth opened again, and the toilet paper pad I wrapped it was soaked, as was the front skirt, as if I was walking World's worst period.I'm sitting in a pool of blood, blood on the steering wheel, blood on the locker, change There was blood on the gear lever...even blood on the windshield.Most of the bloodstains were there, became the

An ugly burgundy--like chocolate milk to me--but some of the blood was still wet, is red.You don't know, Ruth, until you see that how much blood.No wonder Jamie was scared to death. I tried to get out of the car - I thought, I want to show him that I can do this under my own power Do it, that will reassure him.But my right hand hit the steering wheel, and it hurt so badly in an instant dull.I didn't pass out completely, but it was as if the last link between my mind and body had been severed. I felt myself falling forward, and I remember thinking that falling on the asphalt would knock off most of my teeth.

Tooth, would end my adventure with this...and just spent a fortune last year putting it on After a few teeth wrapped.Then Jamie held me...in fact, on my chest. I heard him yelling in the direction of the store, "Hi! Hi! Help!" It was a tall, pointy The old man's voice, makes me want to laugh...it's just that I'm too tired to laugh.I put the side of my head against him gasping on his shirt.I feel my heart beating fast, but it doesn't seem to be beating at all, as if As if it has no whereabouts and can't jump.However, a certain light and color came back, and I saw five or six People came out to see what happened.Ronnie Dakin is one of them.He is eating a muffin and wearing a A pink T-shirt that says "There are no urban drunks here, we all take turns". Funny remembering that when you're about to die, isn't it? "Jessie, who made you look like this?" Jamie asked.I wanted to answer him, but I couldn't say a word. Unable to speak.Thinking of what I was going to say, it would be better not to say it.i thought i was going to answer The first one is "my father". Jesse stubbed out her cigarette, then buried herself in the newspaper clippings, Raymond-André Hubert's hideous knife-face staring at her obsessively... like in the corner of the bedroom the first night, the first Staring at her like that for two nights in the study of her still-bare husband.Jessie brooded in silence for almost five minutes, then, with the air of just being awakened from a light sleep, lit another cigarette, and turned to write her letter.The page prompt told her that she was now on the seventh page.She stretched her body, listening to the small rattle of the joints on her back, and then started typing on the keyboard again, and the cursor resumed beating. Twenty minutes later—during these twenty minutes, I found that men can be so cute, they Showed concern and was laughably silly (Ronnie Dakin asked me if I wanted some pocket money).I enter The ambulance of the rescue agency drove to North Cumberland Hospital with its lights flashing and siren blaring.one small Hours later, I lay on a lift bed, watched the blood flow down a tube into my arm, and listened to the Some country singer was singing.He sings: since his woman left him, his pickup truck Falling apart, how hard he had been. Ruth, that basically ends the first part of my story - call it Little Neil Bing Ji", or "How I Break Out of the Handcuffs and Walk to Peace".There are two other parts to the story, I like to call them Consequences, and Unexpected Endings.I'm going to scribble on "After Result” part, in part because only you have personally experienced skin graft surgery and the resulting pain, you will be interested in listening to such things.The main reason is that I want to write as soon as possible to the "Unexpected Ending" part, so as not to be dazzled by the computer, not in the way I hoped way to tell the story.Think about the way it's told that it's worth listening to.I just had this thought, As we often say, this statement is true.After all, there are no "unexpected endings," and maybe I don't will write to you. Before I get there, however, I have to tell you a little more about Brandon Millhallan thing.He did contract out my "aftermath" stage.It was during the first phase of my recovery that During the very ugly phase, Brandon came and sort of contained me.i want to call him cute man, because he was there to protect me during the darkest days of my life.but Cuteness does not really sum up his characteristics, but clear thinking, accurate judgment, and orderly handling of things are Features of Brandon.Even that would be inaccurate—he was more than that, and more so than the It's even better than what I said-but it's getting late, so I have to stop here.Brandon's duty is to maintain defended the interests of a conservative law firm when one of the firm's top partners became involved After a potentially embarrassing situation, he was able to come here and show me the utmost care. I was greatly encouraged.And he never Blame me for nothing.If that was all, I probably wouldn't talk about him all the time.There are other things. Just yesterday he did something for me.Believe me, old friend, we're getting to that. During the last fourteen months of Gerald's life, Brandon worked with him for a long time— — that was a lawsuit involving a large supermarket chain here.the right they deserve Benefits are won, old friends, and more importantly, they develop a rapport.I think when that When some office bosses removed Gerald's name from letterhead, Blanton's name will take its place.At the same time, he's perfect for the job.The first time he saw me in the hospital Depicted as verification loss. There's something lovable about him--yes, he has--he's been to me from the beginning honest.But of course he still had his own agenda and plans from the start.trust me darling, After all, I've been married to a lawyer for almost twenty years.I know they spend their lives with How completely the aspects of human nature are separated.It is this, I think, that enables them not to suffer Surviving too many setbacks is what makes many of them annoying. Brandon wasn't annoying at all, but he was a man on a mission.Namely: Concealment may Any bad name brought to the firm.That, of course, means that concealment could bring Gerald or me any bad reputation.People in this kind of work can be wiped out by just one bad luck fate.But Blanton still took the job without hesitation... More to his credit, He never tried to tell me that he took the job out of his memory and respect for Gerald.he I took the job because it was what Gerald himself used to call making a career—the kind of Jobs, if done well, can quickly open the way to the next level.For Brandon, The work is going well, I am very happy, he is very sympathetic to me, treats me very kindly, I think, kudos to him Xing is for good reason.But there are two other reasons.When I told him, someone from the newspaper called Or to come to me, he never acted irrationally impulsive, he never acted as if I was just him A job—just a job and nothing else.ruth you want to know what i really think ?Even though I'm seven years older than this man, and I look old and my right hand is disabled, I want to Brenton Millhallan kind of fell in love with me...or rather, fell in love with his brain when he looked at me The brave "Little Nell" seen in the sea.I don't think it's a sex thing for him (Not yet, anyway. Even though I'm a hundred and eighty pounds, I still look like I'm hanging Butchering a depilated chicken in a shop window), that's fine with me.if i never have another I would be absolutely delighted when a man slept with me.But if I say I don't like seeing his eyes, Then I would be lying.That look that says I'm part of his agenda now—me, Jesse Angela Mecht Burlingame, contrary to what his bosses think, they may Think of it as that unfortunate Burlingame affair.I don't know, on Brandon's schedule, I Is it in a higher position than the office?Either under it, or right next to it.I'm not here Almost.Knowing that I am on the agenda is enough.I'm not just a... Jesse stopped here.Tapping her teeth with the index finger of her left hand, she thought carefully, took a deep breath of the cigarette she was smoking, and continued to write: Not just a contingency that should be tolerated. During all the police investigations on me, Brandon was by my side with his little tape on machine.He pointed out, politely but relentlessly, to everyone who attended each survey—including the speedy clerks and nurses, anyone who divulges the admittedly sensational details of the case will be Facing dire reprisals, the scrupulous mind of a large New England law firm would conceive of all sorts vindictive.Brandon must have seemed as convincing to them as to me, knowing the circumstances No one who spoke to the press about it. The worst cross-examination was during the three days I spent in North Cumberland when I was in "custody" state” – drawing blood, water and electrolytic solution through plastic tubes. The police made a decision after these interrogations The report is so strange that it is convincing to read in the newspapers, just as the newspapers sometimes publish Bizarre stories of a man biting a dog.But it's really a dog-eat-man story...and women. Want to hear what's written on the record?Ok, here it is: We're going to spend the day at our summer cottage in western Maine.after a period of sex After the love episode, which was two parts wrestling and one part sex, we went to the shower together. Gerald got out of the shower while I washed my hair.He complained of a stomach ache, maybe we were from Portland Induced by the sandwich I ate on the way here.He asked if there was any medicine in the house, and I said I didn't know. But if there was one, it would be on top of a desk or on a bedside shelf.Three or four minutes later, I still She is washing her hair.I heard Gerald yelping, that yell was obviously a sign of a heart attack, Then there was the sound of a heavy blow—the sound of a body hitting the ground.I jumped out from under the shower, When I ran into the bedroom, my legs gave out and I bumped against the edge of my desk and passed out. This edition was put together by Mr. Millhallan and Mrs. Burlingame--may I add, Approved with enthusiasm by the police.According to this version, I woke up in a daze several times, but every time After waking up for the first time, he passed out again.When I woke up for the last time, the dog was tired of Gerald and was going to Come and eat me.I climbed into bed (according to this story of mine, Jerrod and I found the bed right here – Maybe someone who came to wax the floors moved here, we were too hot to go and didn’t want trouble move it back to its original position).I pelted the dog with Jerrod's mug and fraternity ashtray, Chased it away.Then I passed out again, and I was comatose for the next few hours, bleeding all over the bed.later I woke up again, got in the car, and finally drove into Ping An...that means after the last bout of blackout, that I drove my car into a tree on the side of the road. I only once asked Brandon how he got the police to register this nonsense.He said: "Jay West, now a state police investigation.We - I mean the firm has a lot of friends in the State Police friend.I called everyone who could help, and in fact, I didn't have to Many people are on the phone.Remember, police are human too.As soon as the dudes see the handcuffs hanging from the bedposts You will understand what really happened.Believe me, they're not the first time in someone's vaporization None of the policemen—whether state or local—found the handcuffs after the weapon exploded. Want to watch you and your husband become a bad joke.The cause of this is nothing more than a bizarre accident. At first, I didn't even tell Blanton about the man I thought I saw, the footprints, Jane Bead earrings, or anything else.You know, I'm waiting - I think, looking for the bellweed signs of movement. Jesse looked at the last sentence, shook his head, and continued typing on the keyboard. No, that's nonsense.I'm waiting for some cop to come along with a little plastic evidence bag and hand it over to Me, let me identify the rings, not the earrings—the ones in the bag. "We are sure that it must be your. ’ he would say, ‘because the ring has your name and the initials of your husband’s name engraved on it. digit letters.And also because we found them on the floor of your husband's study. " I've been waiting for something like that because when they show me my ring I know exactly Knowing that "Little Nell"'s midnight visitors were nothing more than a figment of her imagination.I wait and wait, But that didn't happen.Finally, just before my first surgery on my hand, I told Bran Don, said I thought I wasn't alone in the house, at least not the whole time. I told him that it was probably just my imagination, and that was certainly a possibility.However, at the time it seemed very true.I didn't talk about my own lost ring, but I talked a lot about footprints and pearl earrings many.In all fairness, I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Said everything I dared not even say to Brandon.do you understand?When I told him this, I It's been said throughout, "I thought I saw it then", "I'm almost sure of it". I had to tell him, I had to tell someone, because fear ate me from the inside like stomach acid. But I did everything I could to show him that it was possible that I had mistook subjective feelings for objective reality. After all, I was trying not to let him see that I was still terrified, because I didn't want him to think I was crazy. I don't care if he thinks I'm hysterical.I'm willing to pay that price to avoid Getting involved in another dirty secret, like what my dad did to me on the day of the eclipse. But I don't want him to think I'm crazy, I don't want him to think I'm crazy, I don't even want him to suspect sex. Brandon clapped my hand, then told me he could trust such an idea. In that case, he said, maybe that was mild.He went on to say that it is important to remember that this Unreal, any more than it was unreal that Gerald and I went to the shower after frolicking and wrestling in bed. The police had searched the house, and if anyone had been there, they would almost certainly have found evidence. The fact that the house had undergone a late-summer cleaning made that all the more likely. "Maybe they did find evidence of him," I said, "maybe some cop put an earring in Into his day bag. " "There are plenty of pickpocketing cops in the world. Even so," he said, "I can't believe Is there such a fool as to risk his career for an earring?It's easier for me to believe that you think and you The guy who was in the house with him came back afterward and took it away himself. " "By the way!" I said, "that's possible, isn't it?" He shook his head and shrugged. "Anything is possible, including the police investigating mistakes made by officials, but..." He stopped and took my left hand in what I thought was Bu Langton looked at me with a Dutch uncle-like expression, "Many of your ideas are based on one idea, That is, the investigating officers searched the house and ruled that nothing happened.This is not the case.Such as If there had been a third party there, the police would likely have found evidence about him.If they find the Three-party evidence, I will know. " "Why?" I asked. "Because something like that puts you in a very embarrassing situation—in that situation, The cops are no longer nice dudes and are going to start reading Miranda warrants to you. " "I don't understand what you're talking about," I said, but, Ruth, I'm beginning to get it, and it really is. this.Jerrod was one of those insurance junkies.I have been informed by representatives of three different underwriting units that in the formal During the funeral—and for many years afterward—I was going to live in great comfort and abundance. "John Harrison performed a very thorough, very careful autopsy on your husband." Boo "According to his report, Jerrod died of what lawyers call a 'pure heart attack,'" Langton said. Meaning no concurrent food poisoning, overwork, or major physical trauma. "He obviously intends to continue Go on—he was talking in his didactic way, but what he saw in my face made me He stopped. "Jessie? What's going on?" "Nothing." I said. "No, there's something—you look very ill, is it a spasm?" I finally managed to convince him that I was fine, and by then I was pretty much fine.i guess you Know what I'm thinking, Ruth.I mentioned at the beginning of this letter: When Gerald refused to listen I kicked him twice when I gave my rightful advice to let me up.One kick in the abdomen, one kick in the two on an egg.I'm thinking, I said we were rough when we made love, and that's the way it should be--then explain healed his wounds.Anyway, I don't think his scars are serious, because the heart attack followed The feet had broken out, the heart attack had been there before the scars started to form. Of course, this leads to the man's question - did I kick him and cause his heart attack? No medical book I've read has answered that question comprehensively.Let's be realistic: maybe I played a role in his seizures.But I still refuse to take all responsibility.he is overweight, Drink hard, smoke like a chimney, and a heart attack is a sure thing.if not in That day, or it could be next week or next month.So far, the devil is meddling in the matter.dew Silk, I believe that.If you don't believe me, I sincerely ask you to fold it down and put it in the sun Go where you can't.I happen to think that I have earned the right to believe what I want to believe Leigh, at least in this matter, especially in this matter. "If it looks like I swallowed a doorknob," I told Brandon, "it's because I Trying to get used to the idea that someone thinks I killed Gerald in order to claim his insurance gold. " He shook his head again, still looking at me eagerly. "They don't think that way at all. Harrison said, Gerald's heart attack may have been triggered by sexual arousal.The state police accepted this view because In this business John Harrison is the most authoritative.At most some good-natured people will think that you acted as Salome, a character in the Bible, seduced him on purpose. " "Do you believe it?" I asked. I thought he might have been shocked by the bluntness of my words.A part of me is curious, Wondering what a stunned Brenton Millhallan was like.But I should learn to be nice. He just smiled: "You thought you had enough imagination to see an opportunity, close Gerald's The thermostat of life, and not seeing the results would cause him to die in handcuffs?no jesse anyway So, I believe things happened exactly the way you told me.Can I be frank? " "It doesn't get any better than this," I told him. "Okay. I worked with Gerald and we got on well. However, there are still a lot of Not so with many people.He's the most controlling weirdo ever.Such a thought does not surprise me at all, That is: making love to a woman handcuffed to a bed aroused all his sexual desires. " When he said that, I gave him a quick look.It's night and only my bedside light is on of.He sat there in shadow from his shoulders up.But I'm sure Brenton Millhallan, The young legal experts in the town were blushing. "I'm sorry if I offended you," he said.sounds like he's surprisingly awkward stand up. I almost laughed, which wasn't very friendly.But at the time he sounded like he just had an appointment An eighteen-year-old youth preparing for school. "You didn't offend me, Brandon," I said. "Well, I'm relieved then. But it's the job of the police to at least take into account the possibility of murder." - Consider this thought, then you might not just want your husband to have what the jargon calls 'sex' Excitatory heart disease'. " "I had no idea he had a heart attack," I said. "Apparently neither did the insurance company. road.If they had known, they would never have issued an insurance policy, would they? " "As long as anyone is willing to pay enough, the insurance company will cover him." He said, "Jerrod's insurance agent didn't see him smoking cigarette after cigarette and drinking heavily. You see it too.All arguments aside, you must have known he had a heart attack at any time.the police also Know.So they say, 'Suppose she invites a friend to the lake house without telling her husband, Suppose this friend happens to jump out of the closet at exactly the right moment for her and very much for her husband. What happens if you yell at an inappropriate moment? 'If the police find signs of such a thing, You're going to be in deep trouble, Jesse.Because in some specific occasions, screaming desperately can be regarded as a first-level murderous act.The fact that you spent two days in handcuffs and nearly skinned your hands to escape In fact, it greatly affects your perception of partner crime.But looking at it from another angle, it is the fact that you are wearing handcuffs. Facts make partner crime plausible...well, say, to a certain type of cop. " I stared at him intently.I feel like someone who just realized I'm dancing on the edge of an abyss woman.Until then, looking at the outline of Brenton's face in the shadow of the bedside light, all I could think of was A few times the thought arose that the police thought maybe I had murdered Gerald.I just thought it was Horrible joke.Ruth, thank goodness I never joked about that with the cops! Blanton said, "You see why it might be wiser not to mention that there was an intruder in the house?" "Got it," I said, "better not to mess with a sleeping dog, right?" As soon as I say that, I think of that damn dog dragging Gerald on the floor with its front paws, I could see the piece come off.Flesh hanging from a dog's mouth.By the way, a few days later they caught took the poor accursed dingo under Leglan's boathouse, half a mile from the shore, for I made a nest myself.It transported a chunk of Jerrod's meat there, so when I used the Mercedes After the headlights and horn of the car scared it away, it must have returned at least once.They shot it.it Wears a bronze tag - not a standard dog tag so animal control can find its owner, be severely punished.What is even more pitiful is that the name of "Prince" is written on the card.Prince, can imagine ?I was relieved when Teggerton came out and told me they had killed the dog.i'm not for it Blame it—it's not much better off than I am, Ruth, but I still feel for it gratified. That's beside the point, however—what I'm telling you is that when I told Blanton After maybe there was a stranger in the house, there was a conversation between us.He agreed, emphasizing Tune, it's best not to cause trouble.I think I can live with that - just tell it to a People are a great relief, but I'm still not quite ready to give up on this thing. "The convincing thing is the phone," I told him, "when I'm out of the handcuffs and trying to call On the phone, it died like Abe Lincoln and couldn't get through.As soon as I realized that, I was sure I That's right - there was a guy there, and at some point he cut the electricity from the road phone line.That's what made me struggle out the door and into the Mercedes.Brandon, you don't know What is fear.Unless you go through a time and suddenly realize you're deep in the woods with an uninvited Since arriving guests together. " Brandon was smiling, but this time I'm afraid it wasn't the kind of convincing smile.this is man The kind of smile they seem to wear on their faces, which shows that they are thinking how stupid women are to make Their unfettered freedom of movement is really against the law. "You checked a phone - bedroom After finding that it didn't work, I concluded that the phone line was cut, didn't I? " That wasn't exactly what happened, and it wasn't exactly what I thought, but I nodded anyway —partly because it seems easier to do so, but mostly because, when a man's face It wasn't much use talking to him with that particular look on.That look is saying, "Female people!They cannot be tolerated!Can't kill them either! "Ruth, unless you have completely changed your character, I'm sure you know the look I'm talking about.If I say at that moment all I really want is the end The whole talk, I'm sure you'll understand. "The phone was unplugged, that's all," Blanton said.At this point, it sounds like he's Mr. Robard.Sometimes it really seems like there's a monster under the bed, oh my god, but really, he explained not at all.Gerald had unplugged the junction box from the wall, maybe, he didn't want his vacation afternoon to suffer The distraction of a phone call from the office.He also unplugged the telephone in the lobby, but the one in the kitchen The head is still plugged in and is in good working order.I learned all this from police reports. " Ruth, that was when the truth came out.It dawned on me that all of them—investigate the lake All the men that happened, affirmed that assumption, how I dealt with that situation, for What did what was done.Most of them judged in my favor, that must have simplified It happened.But most of their conclusions were not based on what I said, and what happened in the house based on the evidence available, but only on the fact that I am a woman, and that a woman cannot be expected to behaving in a predictable manner.Realizing this can be both irritating and a little scary. When you look at it that way, Brenton Millhallan in a nice three-piece suit, Indistinguishable from a Teguerton cop in blue jeans and firehouse red suspenders.male People still see us as they always do, Ruth, I'm sure of that.many of them Learned to say the right thing at the right time, but as my mom used to say: "Even Even cannibals can learn to recite a few Christian teachings. " And you know what?Brenton Millhallan admired me, he admired me when Gerald fell to the ground The way he handles himself posthumously, yes, he appreciates me.I see this on his face every now and then. If he comes to me tonight, as he always does, I'm sure I can see it in his face again.Brandon Think I've done a pretty good thing, a pretty brave thing - for a woman.fact In fact, I think, when we first talked about my hypothetical client, he sort of decided that if he was in In the same situation, he will behave the way I do...that is, if he is expressing high While burning, while trying to handle everything else.I think that's how most men look Believe what most women think: like a malarial lawyer.This certainly accounts for many of their actions 出解释，是不是？ 我在谈论着屈尊俯就——一件男人对女人的事情，可是我也在谈论着 某件大得多、吓人得多的事情。你看，他不理解，那和两性之间的差别毫 无关系。那是做人的磨难。我们每一个人都是真正孤独的，那是最确切的 证据。露丝，那座房子里发生了可怕的事，我到事后才明白有多么可怕。 可是他却不理解。我将我做的事告诉他，是为了防止那种恐惧活活吃了我。 他笑着，点着头，表示同情。我想结果对我有些好处。可是他是男人中最 优秀的，却根本没有进入可以听见事实呼唤的范围……那种恐惧似乎在不 断增大，直至在我的头脑内变成这个黑色的、鬼魂出入的大房子。它仍然 在那儿，房门在开着，邀请我随时回去，我决不想回去了。可有时我发现 我还是回去了。我一踏进门，门就在我身后砰的一声关上，自行上了锁。 嗯，没关系。我想，知道了我有关电话线的直觉是错误的本来应该使 我宽心，可是我没有。因为我头脑中的一部分相信——而且仍然相信—— 即使我爬到椅子后面，再插上插头，卧室的电话还是打不通的。也许厨房 里的电话后来能用了，可当时的确是打不通的。事情是：要么开着梅塞德 斯车离开房子逃命，要么死于那东西之手。 布兰顿身体前倾着，床头灯照在了他的整个脸上。他说：“杰西，房 子里没有别人。就这个想法你能做的最好事情就是不再提及。 " 当时我几乎把我丢失戒指一事告诉他了，可是我很累，手很疼，最终 我没说出来。他走以后，我在床上躺了很久没睡着——那一夜甚至止疼片 也不能使我入睡了。我想着第二天要做的植皮手术，可想的并不像你可能 认为的那么多。我主要想的是我的戒指，我看到的脚印，以及是否他—— 它——也许会回去矫正那些事情。在我最终睡着之前，我认定根本没有脚 印或珍珠耳环，某个警察发现戒指躺在书房里书柜旁的地板上，然后拿走 了它们。我想，此刻它们也许在刘易斯顿的某个当铺里呢。也许，这个想 法会使我感到愤怒，可是没有。它使我产生的感觉如同那天早晨我在梅塞 德斯车里醒来时的感觉——充满了一种令人难以置信的宁静与祥和。No 陌生人，没有陌生人，任何地方都没有陌生人。只是个善于扒窃的警察回 头迅速一看，确信无人碍事，于是“嗖”的一声，戒指进入了他的口袋。 至于戒指本身，我不在乎它们当时发生了什么情况，我也不知道。最近几 个月以来，我越来越相信，人们在手指上戴戒指的惟一理由，是因为法律 不再允许他们把它穿在鼻子上。然而，别管它了。早晨已变成了下午，下 午欢快地向前移，这不是讨论妇女问题的时间。该谈谈雷蒙德·安德鲁· 于伯特了。 杰西向后靠在椅子上，又点了根烟。她没有意识到过度的抽烟使她的舌尖刺疼，头也作痛，肾脏在抗议她坐在电脑前的这番马拉松会谈，强烈抗议。房子死一般地寂静——这种寂静只能意味着，吃苦耐劳的麦吉·兰迪丝会超市和干洗店了。杰西感到惊讶，麦吉没有至少再作一次努力，把她从电脑屏幕前拉开就走了。转而她猜想，那管家已经知道那样只会是浪费精力。不管那是什么东西，最好让她放出体外吧。麦吉也许是这样想的。 毕竟对她来说这只是一件工作。这后一个想法使杰西心中产生一阵微痛。 楼上一块板发出了吱嘎声。杰西的香烟停在了离嘴唇一英寸的地方。 他回来了！伯林格姆太太尖叫道，噢，杰西，他回来了！ 不过他并没回来。她的目光移向从一堆剪报里向上看着她的那张刀子脸，心里想着：我知道你到底在哪里，你这无赖！难道我不知道吗？ 她知道，但是她脑子里有一部分坚持认为它还是他——不，也许不是他，是它——太空牛仔、爱情幽灵、怪物，它又回来赴约会了。它只是在等待房子空了的时机。如果她拿起桌角的电话，她会发现线路不通。就像那天夜里，她在湖边别墅里所有的电话都打不通一样。 你的朋友布兰顿可以想怎么笑就怎么笑，可是我俩知道真相，是不是？ 她突然伸出她的那只好手，从电话支架上拿过电话，放到耳边。她听到了令人安心的嘟嘟的拨号音。放回电话，她的嘴角闪现出忧郁的微笑。 是的，我确切知道你在哪里，操你妈的。不管我头脑里的太太或其他那些女士们会怎样想，宝贝儿和我知道，你穿着橘黄色的连衫裤工作服，坐在寂黑的监狱里呢——布兰顿说，在那老房子的尽头，这样就不会接近你，在州警官将你拖到与你地位相等的陪审团之前，其他的囚犯会揍死你——如果说竟有与你这样的东西地位相等的人的话。我们也许尚不能完全摆脱你，但是我们会的。我保证我们会的。 她的眼睛移回到电脑终端，尽管药片与三明治混合作用产生的模糊睡意已经消失，她感到透骨的疲乏，她对写完她已开了头的信的能力完全缺乏信心。 该谈谈雷蒙德·安德鲁·于伯特了。 她已这样写了，是时候吗？她能谈吗？她这样疲倦。她当然疲倦。几乎一整天她都在电脑屏幕上操纵着光标。如果你做得太久，太累，就把它结束了，也许最好上楼去睡个午觉。迟做总比不做好，还有所有那种胡话。她可以把这些存档，明天早晨再调出来，继续往下写，然后—— 宝贝的声音打断了她。现在这个声音不经常出现了。当它出现了，杰西就非常仔细地倾听。 杰西，如果你决定现在停手，就别烦心去存盘了，只把它清除好了。我俩都知道，你根本没有勇气再次面对于伯特——并不是以人们面对自己写到的一个东西的那种方式。有时，要写写某个东西需要勇气的，是不是？也就是从你脑海深处放出那个东西，然后将它显示在屏幕上。 “是的，”她嘟哝道，“需要很大的勇气，也许更多。” 她抽了口烟，将抽了一半的烟揪灭，她最后一次翻阅了一下剪报，然后向窗户外的东部大街斜坡看去。雪早已停了，太阳明晃晃地照耀着，尽管它照射时间不会太长。缅因州的二月天气，吝啬、不叫人感动。 “宝贝儿，你是什么看法？”杰西问空空的屋子。她模仿小时就崇拜的伊莉莎白·泰勒的语调，那语调曾使她妈妈发疯，“我们继续写，好吗，亲爱的？” no answer.可是杰西不需要回答。她坐在椅子里朝前倾去，又一次移动起光标来，很长时间里，她都没再停下，甚至没停下来点根香烟。