Chapter 22 twenty two

Jesse moved slightly.The chains of the handcuffs jingled, and the cuffs themselves rattled on the bedpost.Now, morning light streams in through the east window. "Because you can't keep a secret," he said flatly, "because if it's going to get out, Jesse, it's better for both of us to let it out now than a week from now, a week from now." Months from now, or a year from now, or even 10 years from now, let it leak." How well he has her under control—first with an apology, then with tears, and finally with a hat trick: making his problems hers.Brother Fox, whatever else you do, don't throw that barbed plank at me!Until the end, when she swore to him that she would keep the secret forever, that she would torture her with pincers, hot coals, or take it out of her mouth.

In fact, she could remember making that promise to him in the shower of terrified tears.Finally he stopped shaking his head.He just squinted and looked across the room with tightly pursed lips—she saw his expression in the mirror, just as he almost certainly knew she could see him. "You can never tell anyone," he said finally.Jessie remembers the relief she felt when she heard that, and she nearly fainted with ecstasy.He was saying something with a peculiar intonation.Jesse had heard that intonation many times before.She knew that she, Jessie, could get him to speak in that tone more often than Sally herself, and it drove her mother crazy.I'm about to change my mind.Said in that tone.I'm doing this against my good sense, but I'm changing my mind, I'm changing to take your side.

"No." She agreed, her voice trembling, and she had to hold back her tears. "I won't tell, Dad—never." "Not just your mother," he said, "and never to anyone, ever. That's a huge responsibility for a little girl, honey. You might be tempted, say, if you get out of school After studying with Caroline Klein or Tammy Ho, you might also want to tell—” "Them? Never—never—never!" He actually saw the truth of the words in her face: Either Caroline, or Tammy found out her daddy had touched her, and the thought filled Jesse with terror.Satisfied with her answer, he moved on to a subject which, she now guessed, was in fact his concern with consequences.

"Or your sister." He pushed her away from him and looked down sternly into her face for a long time. "You see, there may be a time when you'll be tempted to tell her—" "Dad, no, I'll never tell—" He shook her slightly and said, "Hold on, let me finish, baby. You two are close, I know that. I know girls sometimes have a desire to share secrets that they normally don't want to share. If you feel that way with Maddy, can you manage to keep quiet?" "Yes!" Desperately trying to convince him, she began to cry again.Of course, she was more likely to be willing to tell Maddy - if there was anyone in the world she would one day confide such a terrible secret to, it would be her sister.Just one more thing, Maddy and Sally have the same close relationship between Jesse and Tom.If Jess told her sister what happened on the platform, chances are their mom would know within a day.Given the circumstances, Jessie thought, she could easily overcome the desire to tell Maddy.

"Are you sure you can?" he asked suspiciously. "Yes! Really!" He started shaking his head regretfully again, scaring Jesse again. "I was just thinking, baby, maybe it's better to talk about it right away, I mean let's take the medicine, she can't kill us—" At first, when her father asked her not to go to Mount Washington, she heard her mother pissed off, and not just pissed off.She doesn't want to think about it.But at this moment, she couldn't stop thinking about it.There was jealousy in Mom's voice, and something very close to hate.Jesse stood in the bedroom doorway with Dad, trying to talk him into silence.At this time, a fleeting but clear and shocking picture appeared in front of Jesse's eyes: the two of them were driven out of the house and on the road like Hansel and Gretel in the Grimm's fairy tales, homeless. Returning, wandering back and forth in the United States... of course, sleeping together, sleeping together at night.

Then, she completely broke down.She was crying hysterically, begging him not to tell Mom, promising that she would always be a good girl as long as he didn't.He let her cry until he felt the time was right, and said seriously, "You know, you've got pretty big abilities for a little girl, baby." She looked up at him with wet cheeks and eyes full of new hope. He nodded slowly, and began to dry her tears with the same towel he had wiped his face just now. "I can never refuse you what you really want. I can't refuse you this time. Let's do as you say." She threw herself into his arms and planted many kisses on his face.Somewhere in the back of her mind was worrying that this might—

arouse his lust. causing trouble again.But gratitude completely outweighed this caution, and no trouble arose. "Thank you! Thank you, Dad, thank you!" He grabbed her shoulders and kept an arm's distance from her.This time he smiled, his expression was not serious, but the sad expression was still on his face.Now, almost thirty years later, Jesse still thinks that look wasn't fake.That pathos is real, and it somehow makes the horrible thing he did worse, not better. "I think we have a tacit understanding," he said, "I don't say anything, and you don't say anything, right?"

"correct!" "Don't tell anyone, not even us to each other, forever and ever, amen! When we walk out of this house, Jesse, it never happened, okay?" She agreed immediately.But then she remembered the smell again, and she knew she had at least one more question to ask him before saying it never happened. "One more thing I have to say. I have to say I'm sorry, Jesse. I did a mean, disgraceful thing." She remembered his eyes looking away when he said that.He's been intentionally driving her into a state of guilt, fear, imminent doomsday hysteria, and he's threatening to tell everything to make sure she never will.All the while he looked directly at her, but when he finally apologized, his eyes moved to the crayon drawings on the sheets that divided the room.The memory filled her with a mixture of sadness and anger.He could face her when he lied, but it ended up making him look away when he told the truth.

She remembered that she opened her mouth to tell him not to say that, then closed it again—partly because she was afraid that whatever she said would make him change his mind again, but mainly because, even at ten years old, she Realized, she was entitled to an apology. "Sally has been cold--it's true. But as an excuse, it's all nonsense. I don't know what's the matter with me." He smiled slightly, still not looking at her. "Maybe it was an eclipse, and if it was, thank goodness we'll never see another one." Then he seemed to be talking to himself, "Jesus, if we shut up and she still finds out Yes, later—"

Jessie rested her head on his chest and said, "She won't find out. I'll never tell her, Dad." She paused, then added, "And then, what can I tell her? ?” "Right." He laughed, "because nothing happened." "And, I don't...I mean, I can't..." She looked up at him, hoping he'd tell her what she needed to know without her asking.But he just looked back at her, raised his eyebrows and asked her silently.The smile was replaced by an expression of vigilance and waiting. "So, I can't possibly be pregnant?" she blurted out.

He frowned, then tightened his face, trying to suppress some strong emotion.At the time she thought it was fear and sorrow, and it was only after all these years that it occurred to her that what he was actually trying to control was a burst of relieved laughter.He finally controlled his emotions and kissed her on the nose. "No, honey, of course not. The impregnating women didn't happen. Nothing like that ever happened. You and I just had a little squabble, and that's all—" "You molested me." Now she clearly remembered saying that. "You molested me, that's what you did." he laughed. "Yeah, pretty close. But you're as unreported as ever. Baby, well, what do you think? Can this be over?" She nodded. "It's never going to happen like this again—you know, you know?" She nodded again, but her smile froze.What he said should have comforted her, and she was a little relieved.But the seriousness of his words and the sad look on his face almost caused her to panic again.She remembered grabbing his hand as hard as she could. "But you love me, don't you, Pa? You still love me, don't you?" He nodded and told her that he loved her more than ever. "Then hug me, hug me hard!" He did, but Jessie could remember one other thing: his cock hadn't touched hers. Never touched it then or since.thought Jesse.Anyway, I don't remember doing that anymore.Even when I was graduating from college, the only other time I saw him yell for me with joy, he gave me that ridiculous old lady hug.That kind of hugging where you poke your ass so there's no chance of bumping your lower body against the person you're hugging.Poor, poor people.I don't know if anyone else who does business with him has seen him panic like I saw the day of the eclipse.What's the reason for that painful look?A sexual accident, as bad as a mutilated toe.Jesse, what a life this is, what a damned life it is. She began to jerk her arms up and down slowly again, almost unconsciously.All she wanted was to keep the blood flowing into her hands, wrists and forearms.It was about eight o'clock, she guessed, or nearly eight o'clock.It's unbelievable that she's been bound to this bed for eighteen hours, but it's true. Ruth Neary's voice startled her suddenly.The voice was full of disgusted surprise. You're still making excuses for him, aren't you?All these years, and even now, you still let him get away with blaming yourself.It's amazing. shut up.she said hoarsely.Those damn things have nothing to do with the predicament I'm in right now. What kind of man are you, Jesse! Even so, that has nothing to do with getting out of my current predicament, so let it be! You're not a precocious hottie, Jessie, and whatever he wants you to think, you're still nine miles away from that. Jessie declined to answer, and Ruth spoke more cheerfully, unwilling to shut up. If you still think your dad is a chivalrous knight who spends most of his time defending you from a fire-breathing mother dragon, think again. "Shut up!" Jesse began to jerk his arms up and down faster, the chains of the handcuffs jingling and the handcuffs groaning. "Shut up, you're scary." He has a plan, Jesse, don't you understand?It wasn't a spur-of-the-moment thing where a sex-hungry dad pretends to caress your body unintentionally.He made plans. "You lied," Jessie yelled, big beads of sweat rolling down her temples. Am I lying?Hmm, ask yourself—whose idea was it for you to wear a sundress?That dress that was too small and too tight?Who knew you would listen - and appreciate - while he manipulates your mom!Who puts hands on your nipples one night and wears only a pair of gym shorts the next? Suddenly, she pictured Brent Gable with her in the room, looking dapper in a three-piece suit and gold bracelet.He was standing by the bed next to a guy with a small video camera panning slowly up on her almost naked body and then on her sweaty, stained face.Brant Gable doing a live broadcast of the incredible women in handcuffs.Leaning forward with microphone in hand, he asked her, when did you first realize your dad might be sexually interested in you, Jesse? Jessie stopped twitching her arms and closed her eyes.There was a closed, stubborn look on her face.Stop asking.she thinks.If I had to, I think I could bear the voices of Ruth and Mrs. Burlingame, and even the voices of various unidentified objects interjecting a few innocuous remarks here and there.But I'm wearing a pair of urine-stained shorts like this, and I'm not allowed to do a live interview with Brent Gable.Even in my imagination, I would not allow him to do so. Just tell me one thing, Jesse.said another voice.It was the voice of Nora Calligan.Just one thing, and then we won't talk about it anymore.At least not now, maybe never, okay? Jessie was silent, she waited vigilantly. Yesterday afternoon, when you finally lost your temper - when you finally kicked your foot out - who do you think it was?Is it Gerald? "Of course it's Jay—" she began, and then a very clear image took possession of her mind and she stopped.It was a string of drool hanging from Gerald's chin.She watched it lengthen, watched it fall to her belly above the navel.Just a little saliva, that's all, nothing special.She and Gerald had kissed passionately over the years, their mouths open, tongues licking, and copious amounts of lubricating fluids exchanged, the only price they paid was some frigidity for both of them. No big deal, until yesterday.When she wanted, needed to be let go, she smelled that faint mineral smell that reminded her of the well water in Daxkow, and the lake water in summer... those days, like July 20, 1963 day. She saw saliva and thought of semen. No, that's not true.But this time, she thought, she wouldn't have to ask Ruth to be the devil's lawyer.She knew it was true.It was his bloody cum - that's what she was thinking of.After that, her mind stopped thinking completely, at least for a while.Without thinking, she made that nimble counter move, kicking him in the stomach with one foot and hitting his balls with the other.Not saliva but semen.It wasn't a new distaste for Gerald's game, but the nasty horror of the old one popping up like a sea monster. Jessie glanced at her husband's huddled, mutilated body, and for a moment tears welled up in her eyes.Then her grief passed.It occurred to her that the survival system decided that tears were a luxury she couldn't afford, at least temporarily.But she was still sad—sad about Gerald's death, yes, of course, but she was even more sad that she was here, in this situation. Jesse's eyes moved to the void above Gerald, and he let out an inhuman smile. I think that's what I'm going to say now, Brant.Say hello to Willard and Katie for me, by the way--would you mind opening these handcuffs for me before I go?I will really appreciate you. Brant didn't answer, and Jesse wasn't surprised at all.