Chapter 6 6

6 When I was twenty, I was surprised to find that the poets and writers I loved since I was a child were all bohemian and corrupt, and were accused of being shameless.The first was Byron, and then Wilde.In the blue leather diary when I was in middle school, I neatly copied Byron and Wilde's verses-"My love for you is my hatred for human beings, because I can't concentrate on loving you when I fall in love with human beings." Because life is beautiful, it must be tragic in the end." "Byron" was one of the two books I stole from the bookstore in the zoo that was later converted into a Cantonese restaurant when I was fifteen years old.

It is not enough to explain my behavior of stealing books simply because I don’t have money. As a three-good student in Beijing in middle school, the third prize winner of the middle school student quiz in Haidian District and the announcer of the Red May Singing Competition, I use this to express The position of my heart, I side with the Byrons and the Wildes, in contempt for all moral codes. What does it say about my defiance and ability to abide by those norms?hypocritical?cover up?restraint?timid?All the proofs that I was a good boy were barely obtained.City-level three-good student - I have been told that I don't meet the requirements, but because there are no other candidates, the school didn't want to lose a spot for nothing and gave it to me.Quiz competition - I only answered two questions in the whole process, and the students from other schools answered too many and wrongly, so I waited for the prize.Singing competition, God knows why I was chosen, I think it's because I always like to read poems that are beyond my comprehension, but it turned out that I was incompetent, because I forgot to prepare the next team in the auditorium during the announcement Caused chaos.

In short, I am an uncertain person who can barely be called a good student.This has barely foreshadowed the ambiguous and dilemma life I will start. I am ready to abide by the secular norms, but secretly love Byron and Wilde in my heart, longing for a different life. "Crime is not vulgarity, but all vulgarity is crime." "Only what is special survives." Special, good or evil.I seek something special. "I'm going to be not just a villain, but a monster, and you'll forgive me for everything. In other words, I'm going to make your standards ridiculous."

These are the boldest words I know, the ones that make me tremble the most. A hundred years ago, they were uttered by the most elegant people with elegance, and they are more to my appetite than the heavy metal shouts of long-haired angry youths. Xu Chen said: "It is understandable that people with corrupt morals have no taboos and are more interesting." "Interesting"-I try hard to pursue a correct life, but in fact I yearn for an interesting life.But I lacked both strength and determination, and the inevitable result of pursuing a life that didn't suit me was more pain than joy.But then I insisted on believing the words of that "idiot" Prince Myshkin: "How beautiful her eyes are, with the depth of pain in them!"

I can't list all the stupid things I've done, and it took me years to realize that an inappropriate stupid remark was actually harder for me to accept than so-called sins like betrayal, brutality, and deceit.There is always a certain passion and courage in crime, and passion has something to do with beauty, while mediocrity and tedium have nothing to do with beauty.For me it was a gut reaction, not quite the height of the young Goethe—tormented by the question of which is greater, the good or the beautiful.It is necessary to establish certain rules of life and have the courage to uphold them.It's a pity that we usually have neither the courage to insist on good, nor the courage to insist on evil, or even the courage to insist on following the crowd.What is even more unfortunate is that I have an innate understanding of others. With this unnecessary understanding, it is inevitable to be muddled when doing things, and I lose my clear scale for everything.This has been a fatal mistake in my life.

Of course not all mistakes are ugly, some things shine because of them.