... It's been so long that we haven't communicated with each other for such a long time. Maybe talking enough in the past.After a lapse of ten years, looking back at those days, I have such a special feeling. Memories of midnight flooded in like a tide... I oppressed it with ravings, and only listened to my tireless narration. ... In ten years, we just met briefly.I didn't even have time to take a closer look at you that time.I must be disappointing you more and more—disappointed?Everyone disappoints in the end, luckily it's someone else's business.The skinny boy on the university campus more than ten years ago grew into what he is today. I was really unprepared.In a flash, people came to middle age.I always thought that middle age belonged to someone else.

You say you'll never understand where I'm at.You don't understand that at this age, when a person should settle down, he suddenly goes to a remote country.It's such a boring pass, and it's probably going to be painful. In fact, compared to the city I lived in, this place is many times better.At least it's not so noisy, and what you see when you wake up in the morning is no longer a crowd of people and clumsy buildings.I stayed in my own vineyard, and there was a little hut in the middle of the vineyard: the hedge around us was covered with carob vines.In the garden there is a prosperous well, and the water tastes like a mineral spring.I have been guarding this well for so many years, using its water to make tea.I usually do some garden work, and I have some best helpers.After living like this, I don't really miss the city.

I hope that Meizi will have the same choice as me, and I also hope to welcome some of my friends here. From the geographical point of view, here can not be said to be a backcountry.It is located in the famous cape of Dengzhou, and this cape is worthy of a good record from ancient times to the present.For example, Qin Shihuang visited here on all three east tours, and the alchemist Xu Fu (Fu) who picked the elixir for him was from here.Although there are still many relics of the Eastern Tour on Cape, there are countless legends. I lived in such a place for several years.I feel my cape—I have never felt it mine, or I am its, so strongly.I began to be able to think well, from beginning to end, about myself, everything I was going through and feeling.

What I think about the most during this period is you and the geological college connected with you.It is my alma mater, my other starting point, and my port.You will never be erased from my memory in this lifetime. In this midnight, I seem to hear your inquiry: start from scratch?I appreciate your distant gaze, from the bottom of my heart. Start from scratch - start? I couldn't answer for a while, but I was full of gratitude.I seem to have started. When I first came here, I said to Meizi: I am starting from scratch.Meizi does not support this, but thinks she can give it a try.She accepted it silently.She knew that she had reached middle age, and it would be too late if she didn't try again.I thank her for that.

You are now alone.The violinist has failed you.But he was a genius, I thought. Take care of yourself, Bai Hui. Don't forget spring, the spring when the lilacs bloom together... The tide of the sea is really loud this night.Our vineyards are only two kilometers from the coast.I fell asleep too late, and was awakened by the sound of the tide in the middle of the night, so I simply got up and did something else. After several days of smearing, another notebook was filled in the blink of an eye.All I have recorded are my own private voices, and I have collected all the sounds that only I can recognize and capture.You used to laugh at me for wanting to be a "troubadour"—a title I took with pride then, proud of all it meant; now I'm a little timid.I understand that the laurel wreath should not be worn casually on the head.I can only be called a singer—more often than not, I am a "singer" who talks to himself, a person who talks non-stop and welcomes the time with his songs, a wanderer with his feet on the ground, can this be all right?

You, and many friends, often complain that I have betrayed my profession and geology.I just kept silent while complaining.Not that I agree with these accusations, but that I can only remain silent in the face of the heaviness it entails. Probably they didn't realize how important the word "betrayal" is.You spit out this word with every movement of your little mouth, which is quite stinging.In case you don't know, I've been on the lookout for betrayal all my life -- and I've seen, and experienced, too much of it.Life is literally woven of betrayals sometimes!When I was alone in the long night, when I was groaning softly, there was always so much hatred and warmth in my heart, and there was a self-condemnation that couldn't be pushed away... Well, this will go further and further.Let me talk about something else.

When I was cutting grape vines today, I saw bunches of small flowers like rice grains, and I immediately thought of the image of lilac flowers before they bloomed.I sat in the shade for a long time.How many chances does a stubble-faced person have to enjoy this kind of happy time composed of pain and nostalgia, tenderness and determination?Only you can understand my mood at that moment. How could I forget about that geology college?It happened at a turning point in my life, and I will never have such a strange encounter in my life.When looking back on these, my nostalgia and gratitude to you surpass everything, and I no longer have the impulse and anger of the year.I'm even trying to forgive your father, I've tried, it's been hard.He almost revoked my student status at that time, and a guy drove me back to that mountain.

Your father was stricter than all fathers, although he later put on suspenders and looked more and more like a scholar. Are you still as afraid and dreadful of him as you used to be?It's not necessarily a bad thing that you've now left him and moved elsewhere.But you should return to him in the future, he will probably need someone else's care in the future.In the past, I regarded him as that type of person: he has been arrogant all his life, and he will ride on the head of others all his life.Looking at him now is also very pitiful. It is very important for a person to grow up, so that he can calm down and take a good look at himself and his former enemies.

In my dreams, there was always a man with a big black pipe in his mouth. He was smiling and standing in front of him with his legs spread apart.Because he was in the way, I couldn't help but quietly back again and again... This road leads to my geology.I used to love my profession so much!Bai Hui, you know, your father with a big black pipe stopped me and hurt me.I retreated before him. Graduation—it was a relief to finally make it to graduation.I was fortunate to be assigned to the famous 03rd Institute, and the majestic and fortified building took my breath away... But it was fate, and here I met another person who was similar to Mr. Bai.I was terrified.I tried my best to avoid him and them.But this cannot be avoided.I finally made a painful decision in my heart to give up geology altogether.

In this way, I came to a magazine. In the end, you know, this was also a very unsuccessful escape, and I still had to leave in embarrassment.Just at this time, I caught up with the wind of resignation, so I resigned from the public office - put on my backpack, head east along the Yellow River, and then continue walking from the mouth of the Yellow River... Fascinated by the mountains, I have come to my birthplace: Cape Dengzhou. In a vineyard, I unloaded the rucksack. Before this, I was always looking for the difference - the difference from that geology college, that city... there is no difference.It's the same everywhere.

Only in this wilderness, my eyes suddenly lit up.I saw the vast beach, the sea, and the sparse flow of people again.There are no longer so many gray buildings here, and everything is green and full of vitality.This is my mother's field... After settling down, my first thought was to move my family here, but I failed.Meizi was reluctant, because she was born in that city, and she was different from me.And I was born in this seaside town in the wilderness, in Cape Dengzhou, and I was different from her from the very beginning. So I alone won the opportunity to meditate. Man, the whole life of man is always suffering from not having such opportunities. Have you entered your own meditation?Let the hustle and bustle recede from the ear, quiet down alone, and spend day after day, night after night?There is no sea near your residence, so what you hear is not the sea tide, but the trivial and boundless sound of the city like the sea tide... This vineyard, what is it mine?It makes me work so willingly, it makes me rack my brains.Needless to say, I have been his faithful servant for several years, tending to him, comforting him, sometimes like a child.It is getting more and more squeamish, getting sick at every turn.I've collapsed several times this summer, and my good helpers have been exhausted.But we have no complaints. It's time for you to get acquainted with the kidnapper's fourth brother and his wife, and the little girl with a bulging forehead.The fourth brother came back from an arsenal a long time ago, and he is over sixty years old.His left leg was injured on duty. From the day I knew him, I saw him walking with a limp.I remember this limping figure on the beach since I was a child, and I got close to him.This time he and I tended the garden together, it was really nice.His wife is named Bell, she is fat, twenty years younger than him, she only knows how to laugh all day long, and hardly knows how to worry.They have no children and treat me like a family member.I really feel family bliss here - I think of my long-dead relatives, my father, my mother, and my grandmother... It's hard to say that they didn't summon me here.I stayed in this wilderness, and felt that my heart and body were close to them. Gu'e is a migrant worker hired by the fourth brother from a distant village.She was only seventeen years old when she first arrived, but she didn't even look fifteen years old. She was thin, with only her bulging forehead and a pair of big black eyes protruding.She's clearly underdeveloped.I have been to her home and it is unimaginably poor.This is just an ordinary family on the plain. I must sometimes devote all my energies to the garden.If you had seen how these friends of mine dealt with it, you would have done as I did.They've always thought of it as their own—even the small drumhead.This little girl with black and red skin is extremely introverted, and sometimes she doesn't say a word for a day.She just works in silence.But those eyes of hers said it all.She didn't wear a straw hat in the sun, all summer long.Now she was baked into a little sweet potato. There is also a garden dog brought by the fourth brother here, named Banhu.It has chestnut fur and gray-blue eyes with long golden lashes.No one doubts its intelligence; it just speaks a special language.Sometimes I stare at it for a long time, looking at its kind and pure face, I can't help feeling ashamed. Really, many, many of us are inferior to a dog in quality.It is so simple and honest, loyal, and of course brave.They just lack something, like self-confidence and independence - and that's fatal.This absence places them in eternal slavery to man. What we are most anxious about is the sale of grapes.Now is the critical moment, otherwise Qiu will cry.We especially rely on the wineries in the small eastern towns. Are you happier now?Miss you so much. I often remember how you were when you were unhappy--don't be unhappy, for sorrow is never of use. You probably see that bearded teacher often, right?You know we were very close at school and talked about everything.He was the one who comforted me when I was most distressed.We kept in touch for ten years.He has now mailed the letter to the vineyard, promising to come and see it sometime.Miss him so much!I usually just call him "Old Master Hu". Master Hu is like you in some ways, and he deeply regrets that I left that famous ○3 institute.He had a classmate there, and two other students, and he was on good terms.They often went to the college because of their business and talked about a lot of things in the institute, which somewhat misunderstood him.He listened a lot, and he didn't think the people who said those words were of bad character, but he was really angry with me for a time. Our correspondence during that period was full of verbal confrontation.Because I was seen as a person who was not law-abiding; not only that, but also a little proud, and some other problems... I may have forgotten my identity as a "student" in the excitement and offended him.I later added a sentence to him-is that from Socrates? "I love my teacher, but I love the truth more." Haven't heard from him for a long time.I worry about him getting sick.Can you find out what's going on with him?Please tell him: I miss him very much. Please don't give me anything - I've had enough; I mean you've given me enough for a lifetime. Meizi came to live for a while.She probably fell in love with the vineyard this time, fascinated by everything.She even formed a deep friendship with Banhu, and they were reluctant to part with each other when they left. She offered to invite you here.I know she wants to get to know you.She really wants to invite you.She is always very concerned about you.She shed tears when she heard about your recent situation, especially the news of your temporary breakup with the violinist. You haven't answered for a long time whether you are here to meet. She has not yet made up her mind to settle here.It takes courage for a person to say goodbye to a life.But I can see that this time she was touched a lot.She saw with her own eyes what I was doing, what I was thinking.Of course she would compare today's life to yesterday, when she was distressed by my poverty and desperation. She is much shorter than you, walking in the ridge of the field, looking at the small silhouette outlined by the rising sun, she feels pity in her heart.She shared too much sorrow for me, and I couldn't take care of her and protect her more.She probably couldn't live without her parents in the city: my father-in-law is an old comrade who took good care of her in life, although she doesn't need them much now. She is like a young plant, and I am trying to transplant her to another field.When transplanting, dig up a large area of ​​soil, otherwise it will wither. At night we walked out of the garden together and headed north toward the sea.It was dark and dark, but we were not afraid at all.Later, the spotted tiger caught up and kept rubbing against our legs.This time it's even better.There wasn't much wind, but the waves were still big.The puffing waves seemed very novel to Meizi, and for a while she ran forward.She wanted to see with her own eyes how the head of the water hit the sandy shore and made such a loud noise.The waves bloomed with white flowers, shining silver in the night.There are big bright stars in the sky, and they hang so low.This is not seen in that city anyway. Later, we snuggled up on the beach, occasionally splashing on us.She hasn't forgotten to ask about you - she's interested in everything about you. You used to love her very much, didn't you? Yes. She's so nice, isn't she? Yes. I know she has looked at you more than once from my photo album.She says you're prettier than her - you're actually different.Her praise is genuine and heartfelt. She said that you didn't come together, but we did. Which of the two is the misunderstanding? I introduced the whole story to her, and of course I had to talk about your father Bo Lao again and again.In the year when the cold and solemn era just ended, the logic that people followed was so different from today's.No one understands that story today, even though it has only been a dozen years since.I told Meizi: Because my father’s case had not been concluded at that time, I used to wander alone in the mountains—at that time, my parents found me a adoptive father in the mountains; I was afraid to see my adoptive father. A man slipped away on the way, and I have never seen him before... When I entered school, I completely hid my real father, and only admitted that I was a descendant of the mountain people... That's how I was able to enter the gate of the Geology College.Then it was our love affair, and then it was me who accidentally spilled a secret and almost got into trouble—it was all natural. I am betrayed.You reported all this to your father, who was then the dean! Meizi said that this was not a "betrayal", but just an unconscious expression of the daughter to her father. I say yes.But that's enough.At that time, Bo Lao became furious and made the Political Work Office very busy.As a result, I was punished, and I was almost kicked out. No one else can feel the blow of that blow.It touches my deepest scars and makes me shudder.Because the image of my father, which I hadn't dared to think about for a long time, and which I finally got rid of, entangled me tightly again. I will never forget the appearance of my father when he returned from captivity for the second time: yellow and thin, with dull eyes, erratic footsteps, biting his lower lip tightly... Since then, our whole family has fallen into a nightmare.In order to rescue the only son, my mother kept urging me: child, run, run, you are fast alone... I fled into the mountain like this, and gradually became a wild animal in the mountain.I have worked hard! It is said that Bo always said good things about being able to enter this college.Because I can only go to a second-tier university according to my scores, it was Mr. Bai who happened to notice my name.I'm always grateful for that.It wasn't until I met you that I realized that everything seemed to be God's will. These should not be brought up again. I just want to say that Meizi has never blamed you in her heart.She seems to have more reason than me.I am a special life with scars on my body, like an animal that has been chased for half its life.I was lucky enough to stay by your side, but I just hid my vigilance and panic... Please forgive my sensitivity and demandingness. My hurt to you—no, our hurt to each other, is very, very deep.That's why our friendship today has weight, and we cherish it very much. Because I was in love with you at that time, I was so dizzy that I told the secret that I shouldn't have told; it was also because I loved you so much that your "betrayal" made me lose all hope.You probably can't imagine how desperate I was at that time... I only told you a little bit: about my family background and my past.Out of fear and caution, I did not say much even in your presence.Today is different, today it is necessary for me to tell you everything, because I think you should listen to the story of a family-although it is a little too late... Is such a statement necessary?I have been hesitating. In this silent night, in my vineyard, I am always recalling and retracing.I really can't help it. In the ten years since the breakup, I have experienced a lot.It was only slowly that I figured out which family I belonged to, what kind of bloodline I belonged to—me, us—and who is "us"... Why do "we" always have the same fate? Bai Hui, yesterday I confided prematurely because of love; can you listen carefully and answer today? Then the tide outside increased again—I think it was a storm rising in the depths of the sea.Quiet outside the window, no wind... During this period after autumn, when all the grapes are sent to the juicer, we can finally relax a bit.Everyone did what they liked best. The fourth brother fiddled with his shotgun and took the tiger to play with the old man in the fishing shop.My wife rings the bell and picks wild fruits to make a kind of honey ointment-this is the most unique invention of people on the plains. I remember that I often ate this kind of honey ointment when my grandmother was alive.It is nothing like today's marmalade. I have been visiting some very interesting places for many days in a row, such as the Donglaizi Ancient Country Site, Xu Fu Dongdu Qihang Port Site, Qianshan Site, etc. I have visited more than once.In the folklore here, there are many stories about Qin Shihuang's east tour and summoning Xu Fu, and almost every old man in the village can tell a series.Moreover, there are very many villages surnamed Xu here, with more than 70 places.Regarding the birthplace of Xu Fu, there have been endless debates in the historian circles recently, which greatly aroused my interest, because it is about my hometown. Driven by this interest, I found piles of historical materials, including anthropological works, and flipped through them.I imagined that that very mysterious figure, Xu Fu, was probably related to the blood of the ancient Donglaizi country.At that time, Donglai people were the first to invent iron smelting. They had a large smelting base at that time, and now it is a town; Liaodong Peninsula and Dengzhou Cape are now across the sea, but they were a connected continent back then. At that time, there was no land sinking in Laotie Strait.Of course, their rich iron ore resources come from the Old Iron Strait.The ancestral home of this great clan is Cape Terengganu.In addition to smelting technology, there were also the most developed silk weaving industry and fishing and salt industry at that time.Almost all of them are good at riding and shooting, and they are brave and fierce.Their power was already very strong at the time of the Xia Dynasty, and their living area was quite vast: from the coast of the Bohai Sea in the north to the Yidu area in the cultural center of Longshan in the south.It can be asserted that it has a certain blood relationship with Longshan culture. It is the oldest indigenous tribe in the East, and it should be a nomadic people who settled here at the earliest.It was not until the pre-Yin period that due to the invasion of the Yin people, this tribe went northward through the Laotie Strait, which had not yet landed.Because it is impossible for them to bypass more than half of the Bohai Bay and move northward via Dagu and Qinhuangdao, they must have taken the sea route.This great migration of clans must be paid attention to.Because so far they can be found from the Liaodong Peninsula, even the south bank of Lake Baikal, and the area east of the Stanov Mountains. The stories and ancient songs passed down by word of mouth are really heart-pounding sometimes.I believe that the "Qi man Xu Fu (Fu)" recorded in "Historical Records" is the descendant of the Donglai Yi nationality, and is the first line of blood left in the ancestral homeland.This kind of clan migration must have happened later, but it is very likely that it was reversed. This tells the story of Xu Fu's journey to the east to collect the elixir of life, but he never returned.This legend is probably known to all women and children in China.I think this is a major historical event that has been secularized.His true colors have yet to be rediscovered. I seem to have heard the hidden voice of history coming from the tide... Some people have found a so-called "Xu Fu family tree" from villages surnamed Xu many times.The plagiarism that was circulated more than two thousand years ago is no longer reliable today.There is no evidence of its authenticity.I think this is very likely to be false, and its purpose is of course to protect the family's honor.However, during this period, I made a discovery: the ancient songs and folk songs about King Qin's East Tour and Xu Fu's Dongdu. First, I suppressed the surprise in my heart a little bit, and explored carefully.I think these old songs are much more meaningful and true than that "family tree" with yellowing pages.It was not written on paper—that would be extremely fragile; it was only engraved on the hearts of the people, which would make it roughly immortal. Those who can sing ancient songs are all old people. They have poor memory and can't speak clearly, and different people have great differences in relaying the same fragments.Almost no one can recite the whole chapter, which is normal.I am going to connect the different pieces together, discard the false and preserve the true, and then do some screening after a full comparison.This is a very labor-intensive thing, and sometimes it takes half a day to correct and identify a sound. But I think it's more than meaningful. While doing this, I couldn't help but think of two vacations in college-the scene where we went on field trips together.Your father was so tolerant at that time that he agreed.He mistakenly thought that we were walking with the brigade, but he didn't expect that we would "fall behind" halfway.That time we inspected one of the most famous large fault zones in East China, you revealed your truth when you turned around and described it to your father, and he took a deep look at you.From then on, whenever we came to conceal something, we were always a little timid and always unsuccessful.He didn't stop, but I vaguely felt he was looking for an opportunity.Then that opportunity arose—I think there were other reasons for his rage besides a deeper one... This time in Laiyi, I believe there will be gains.How nice it would be if you could listen to those old people with missing teeth reciting ancient songs!I made a recording; I'll send you some sorted pieces of it. ...I have heard too many accusations and criticisms from all sides because I live here.I don't care if it comes from other sources, but some words come from the mouth of my best friend and lover, which can't help but make me a little painful.Terrible misunderstandings need no rebuttal, because it takes a ton of words.Words are very precious to me.I'm somewhat tired. "Old Master Hu" wrote me again.For the time being, there are no accusations in his letter, and he never babbled endlessly because of my behavior in 03 Institute... When I think of those things, I feel a little sad and anxious. At that time, I really wanted to shout at him: What did I do in 03 Institute? What's wrong?I was only a young man in my thirties, what crime did I commit? I hate to tell you what he said.I am very depressed.There is no more trust between the lines, and he even examines me and doubts me from the perspective of personality.And this insult came at a time when I needed help the most, and it came from my best friend and teacher! What did I do in ○3?I worked hard, completed the professional projects assigned to me excellently, and won the achievement award for three consecutive years-this is rare among people who have just graduated, and even the director of the department also admitted this basic fact.Unfortunately, I ran into someone like Bai Lao here—forgive me, Bai Hui, I have to mention your father again, because I can't understand without this metaphor.I mean this guy is as reserved and domineering as your father, an "old patriarch" here.He's been an unshakable figure in the building for decades, much like your father.He became an inexplicable authority in a place without any real substance.It may be unbelievable to say that most of the time he can't even understand some basic professional concepts, but it's absurd that everyone knows that he is one of the most important experts here. Relying on this, he became a stubborn stone on the head of those painstaking scholars.He became a "shepherd", waving his whip all day long, no matter how screaming and bloody the lambs were.I'm a lamb too, but I don't just cover my wounds. I finally figured out who he was.It turns out that they have a long history and have always regarded us as "heterogeneous"! It took me several years to figure out his history. ...his most important so-called works are crude, and most of them are written by others.Those mental convicts had to work against their will in order to survive in special years.They were forced to write words that did not belong to them. Under the double torture, they either fell to death or survived.And a large number of them were permanently deprived of the right to work after this, and what they faced was misfortune, humiliation and death... I could make a long list.One day I will tell their stories one by one.This is the story of plunder and the plundered, of the devil's tricks and of the downtrodden.In fact, these stories should not be unfamiliar to you. When I looked at the long list, I was shocked. I was only in my thirties at the time, and the blood on my body was scalding hot, and I couldn't stand it.In ○3 Institute, fortunately, I got to know a geologist who was also a poet, and later became my best brother and mentor.He was dark and thin, with no luster on his face. At that time, no one knew that he was suffering from a terrible disease.He was just working like hell, probably only he knew that time was running out.I have been with him day and night for a project for two full years, and this is the chance to be close to his heart.I daresay he influenced me as a person and made me understand what it means to be a real singer. No one would have imagined that he has endured so many ordeals: he was imprisoned twice, entered a labor camp twice; and his teacher was the most famous university scholar, who could be called a leading figure in the academic world. His fate was much worse than his, and he finally survived , died a long time ago.When I knew him, he spent more than half of his time sorting out the remains of his teacher. The strange thing is that he still didn't want to bring up these past events until the end. He only talked about the things he was busy at hand, the beautiful stories of his field exploration experience when he was young, and the poetic feelings surging in his heart... But even at this time, the nickname "" The director of "Porcelain Eyes" did not stop encircling and suppressing him.That gang used all despicable means unimaginable by kind people, and even illegally interrogated all the friends around him... That was when the latent cancer in the lovely brother began to torment him so violently that it was already in its advanced stages when he had to be hospitalized.He died just one month after being admitted to the hospital.He vomited blood and died in my arms. A best mentor died in my arms.An insulted and injured person, a real brother. I want to tell "Old Master Hu", my teacher, how people die - either in my arms, or in some other place we can't see, where the hollyhocks are quietly open…… This is my general experience in that ○3 institute.That's the simple truth I'm going to say.I have no more tears.Because a man with a stubble should not cry.