Chapter 29 Chapter 29

One night more than ten days later, Huanzhi was sitting alone in a small hotel on a not very lively street.After drinking seven or eight bowls of wine, there was a huge pile of bean shells and smoked fish bones on the table, and he still asked the waiter to warm the wine.The shadow of the half body is reflected on the dusty wall, suddenly and quietly, like the silhouettes of all lonely people in the world.He lived this kind of life more than ten years ago when he was unhappy as a teacher, and he has never gone to a hotel alone since then; now, he has come back more than ten years ago! He felt that the experience in the past few days was too changing and incredible.It seems that there is an invisible declaration hanging all over the sky, which reads: "Man is more animal than beast! All the good names and good names are to deceive you fools! Do you want to push the wheel of history?— —What a ridiculous dream! Cruelty, stupidity, despicability, and compromise, these are the real masters of the world!" He looked up from this place, and there were these few words, and when he looked up from another place, he still had these few words; If he looked at it for a long time, the invisible proclamation would spread its wings like a great owl and pounce down on top of his head, making his eyes completely dark, and at the same time he seemed to hear the cry of a laughing and ironic devil, "Die! Die! Die!"

Thinking of hymns, the phrase "We're all of us" that he always sang, he thought, isn't it equivalent to bullshit!Since they are a group, how can they be divided into two groups, one group is holding guns and cannons, as if they are facing a big enemy, while the other group is standing upright, being a target for their accomplices?He couldn't forget those corpses lying in disorder on the street, and later they were even loaded into carts. Some of them had their brains overflowing and their stomachs exposed, especially those corpses that couldn't be separated from his eyes. Wherever he looked, he always saw those corpses as scary and pitiful. The shape of the painting is like the main theme in the frame, and where it is used is the background to set it off.

He had never seen Leshan again since they had a talk together that night and squeezed Leshan's hand to say goodbye.No matter what he didn't expect, that parting was the last farewell!The news came that Leshan was packed in a burlap bag filled with rice, and was stabbed around with random knives until the blood was almost drained before being thrown into some river.When he heard the news, he couldn't force himself to be strong, so he even shouted.He painfully recalled Leshan's prophetic words about the head.He also thought forgivingly, Leshan probably didn't feel wronged by this death.Le Shan took his own life very lightly. To him, there was not much difference between being stabbed to death with a knife and being killed by germs.If you don't feel wronged by yourself, it seems that the deceased can feel less sorrow.However, Leshan, who has a spirit like a stone, has long been regarded as the only friend above ordinary friendship; the farewell of such a friend is not just to find some forced reasons to relieve his grief.He didn't want to cry all the time, his heart was boiling with hatred like fire, and he often squeezed his palms tightly, as if he still felt the heat of Leshan's palms!

Mi Siyin was arrested, and he heard that she was suffering a little, it was an insult other than punishment, it was a brutal play on women by a beast!But just because she was a woman, she had not yet been thrown into the river in a sack; several men coveted her beauty, and her life was preserved by their balance.He hated those people bitterly. They didn't care about face for human beings, and they wanted to show complete evil. They were not only the sinners of Mi Siyin alone! And besides he saw discord and personal enmity spreading like a prairie fire, spreading here and there, and whosoever touches it is death.Life is as dewy as electricity, and you can find proven facts everywhere; the records of morning travel, Shili and evening ghost recordings occupy the space of daily newspapers.The horror is like a crow at sunset, spreading its black wings, flying across the sky, gathering more and more, almost becoming clouds covering the sky.When will it disappear?Its period is far away, maybe the universe will belong to it forever!

Naturally, he had nothing to do; the draft paper of the rural teachers' school project was hidden in his pocket, gradually worn out, and finally thrown into the drawer.With a body of nothing to do, he was tormented by resentment, hatred, sadness, terror, and all kinds of fuels. This kind of life was really a new realm that he had never experienced in his life.All kinds of emotions come to my heart in turn, only disappointment has not yet come.He didn't think so, "It's over, everything is over!" But he immediately remembered that on the night of saying goodbye to his only friend Le Shan, he had firmly sworn to him, "I am not disappointed!" After hearing this, Le Shan Words have passed away, do you have the heart to deceive him?So I tried to put aside the idea that "everything is over".At the same time, I remembered what Le Shan said earlier that now is the beginning, which seemed to be another reason not to be disappointed.However, where the future hope lies, he is completely at a loss.The future is a thick cloud, who knows what will be encountered as we move forward!

This is the only refuge wine.Drinking wine, happy people will be happier, ordinary people will be entertained, and bored people will be able to approach the road of comfort and excitement.Before it got dark, he ran to this small tavern, sat down on a seat in the corner, and drank his dull wine in silence: he had been entertaining like this for four or five days in a row. Sitting next to them are four small businessmen who have already drank a lot of wine, but are in high spirits, "Five!"An obsessive smile floated on everyone's red face. With a wave of hands and a glance, their postures were like characters on the stage.Later they changed the subject and talked about the prostitutes in the French Concession in a boastful and nasty way.One rolled his tongue and said loudly: "What a white meat, pink and tender, and fragrant!" The other three responded loudly: "Let's go and taste it! Go and taste it!"

Huanzhi glared at them in disgust, and murmured into the wine glass, "You stupid and ignorant bastards! You are still laughing in such a situation, and you don't know how to move Tianjun! Do you want to wait for the knife to rest on your neck? Are you willing to open your drunken eyes when the fire burns on your skin?" "Hey!" He laughed.Alcohol works in the body, and it has not reached the level of complete anesthesia. At this time, the nerves are particularly sensitive. He suddenly criticized himself, and still murmured into the wine glass: "Where is the difference between me and them? They come here to drink, I also come here to drink; they don't move Tianjun, and even though I move, I can't understand why; the difference is that they are laughing and laughing, but I am silent. If they come back and ask me, I have nothing to answer."

After he took a sip of the wine, he felt that such thoughts were similar to Zhuangzi's frivolous words, how could they get into his mind.A few words by the Japanese literary critic Shinji Kataue, whom he had read almost by heart these past few days, passed through his consciousness like an electric current: Now the world's human beings stand in front of a great experience.Destruction and failure may lie ahead.And the pain of destruction and failure may be so great that our ancestors did not experience it.But what we are worried about is not the pain, but how the heart of sincerely seeking the truth is burning in our hearts despite the great pain.

This is the speech that Shenshi gave in Beijing when he came to China in the film. It was published in the newspaper at that time, and Huanzhi recorded it in his notebook.Recently, it was found that Xu Li's words in this section seemed to be addressed to him, so he read it and digested it in his stomach. Suffering is not what we worry about. Only a man of great courage can qualify for this sentence.I want to be strong, and I want to practice this sentence!Anger, hatred, sadness, terror, you are all ghosts, don't use your magic to surround me and stalk me, I will not worry about you at all, even though you have magic, it is in vain!

He poured half a glass of the remnant on the floor as if it were the devil he didn't bother to worry about.Then he filled another cup, held it high, as if drinking with others, and then drank it dry in one breath, muttering to himself: "The heart that sincerely seeks the truth is burning more vigorously in my heart than before! Whether you are the mighty water like a river, or you are a flood that floods the whole world, in short, it can't extinguish the burning in my heart. What you are looking for!" He smiled, and his almost swollen red face showed a childlike innocent look, as if he had never tasted the changing taste of the world at all.

But when he put down the empty cup, the innocence on his face disappeared immediately; he felt a sudden attack, there was a face in the empty cup, sneering sullenly, it was Leshan!So Si Nian ran around like a group of little snakes, thinking of Leshan's childhood, thinking of Leshan's thoughts in recent years, thinking of every word of Leshan, thinking of Leshan's second stage lung disease; "His short and thin body, Everyone thought he was a prisoner of tuberculosis, but he was killed by random knives! The knife pierced in from one side to the other, and red blood flowed out like rubber. The sack should be dyed red, right? What is his body like? When he breathed his last breath, what was he thinking?" As if something was surging up between the chest and diaphragm, and his chest and throat were about to burst, his eyes flickered Move to a dusty wall.what!There are pictures on the wall, corpses in disorder, dead white brains glued with bright red blood, broken intestines mixed with the dusty sand on the street, the mouths of each corpse are wide open, as if making an eternal cry of silence .He closed his eyes in horror, thinking "what are they screaming for?" but couldn't help crying "Wow——".After crying, I don’t think about anything, I just feel that the current state is the most suitable and happy state, crying, crying, until the end of eternal calamity, that’s the best.He leaned against the wall as if stunned, tears were streaming down one after another, his brows were completely covered by the disheveled hair hanging down, and his cry was a straight trombone. "Why, are you crying?" The four small businessmen were about to leave with their hats on, ready to taste the "good white meat" in the French Concession. When they heard the cry, they all stopped and looked back. "Wine is good when it's in a jar, but it's bad when you put it in your stomach. Originally, I didn't know how to put it on and what kind of wine to eat!" That's what the one who advertised as "good white meat" said, and now his voice is even louder. It was blurry, but he thought it was very funny, and then he laughed. "I think his concubine lost him." A thin-faced Huanzhi was in his thirties, with a regular face and not ragged clothes, thinking that apart from being abandoned by his concubine, he would never be so sad that he would get drunk and cry; He was also very satisfied with his guess, after all, he smoked wildly with only a small half of the cigarette left in his hand. "My concubine lost you, just go to another concubine. Laying in the corner and crying, wouldn't you be a worthless little brother?" The third consoled in this way, but did not approach Huanzhi, just looked at him jokingly Say. Huanzhi didn't hear these words at all; he forgot everything, he melted into his own cries. The clerk came over and said to himself without surprise: "Well, this gentleman is drunk." Then he said to the four customers who had eaten enough to cry: "He ate two or three more bowls today, and he is drunk." .I didn’t eat much a few days ago, but everything was good.” "I originally said that wine is good in jars, why not leave the extra two or three bowls in the jars? Ha! Ha! Ha! Let's go, let's go, the iron gates of the French Concession are about to close. " The four of them went downstairs shaking their bodies dominated by alcohol. "Sir, wake up! Hey, sir!" The man pushed Huanzhi's body. "You tell me, when will I see the light?" This is completely subconscious, and I still cry when I say it. "It's almost nine o'clock now," the man thought he was asking about the time, "you should go back. It's better to go back to sleep early these few nights." "Do you think there is such a thing as fate?" "Fortune-telling?" The man frowned, but he had a lot of experience in greeting intoxicated people, and he said in the tone of an adult coaxing a child, "Yes, yes, there are many in the Temple of the City God, and they all hang up signs. Which one do you want to ask?" Take your pick. Do you want to go now? Then, wake up!" "Is there? Did you say there is? Wow—wow—I also believe that there is. When it is happy, it will suddenly attack you and make you fall from the nine high heavens to the eighteenth floor of hell!" "What are you talking about? I don't understand," the mate annoyed, pushing him harder. "I want to get out of its grasp, I want to still rise up, can it? Can it?" Seeing that he was so drunk, the clerk knew that he had to use some strength to wake him up; he hugged his body, let him leave the seat, and stood there without any support. His feet supported the weight of his whole body, and at the same time he felt his body straighten, and he regained consciousness, although his mind was dizzy.His eyes began to look around, and he could tell from the tears that this was a hotel, so he remembered everything before howling.The trombone then turned into intermittent whimpering, which was a residual force, just like from heavy rain to no rain, there must be a stage in the middle. "Sir, go back, if you are too lazy to go, I will hire a car for you," said the man kindly. "No, where! I can walk back without a car." With trembling hands, he took out a handful of small silver dollars to pay for the drink. He ran on the street without touching the ground, his body was shaking abnormally, but he didn't fall down.He didn't go the wrong way, he walked into the apartment, touched his own bed and fell asleep.The girls' middle school was wiped out, like a grass on the seashore washed away by a big tide; so he and a colleague lived on the same floor of the family as a temporary residence.When the colleague saw him come back, he smelled the smell of alcohol that made him want to vomit. He woke up in the middle of the night, his mouth and tongue were very dry, as if he had a crust; Bend, stretch like that, always uncomfortable.The colleague heard him turn his side and asked him why he couldn't sleep.He replied tremblingly, "I'm sick!"