Chapter 12 Living Wells: 6-9

Ning Xuan: Our families are thousands of miles apart, and our circumstances are vastly different.However, the deaths of the grandpas have some kind of magical connection - they seem to be the hemp on the same rope, which broke together when they had to break. Let us pray for the dead relatives and wish them happiness in heaven. Let us pray for our living relatives, may they be safe in this life. The Bible says: We are attacked on all sides, but not trapped; perplexed, but not disappointed; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not perish. ("2 Corinthians 4:8-9") Because we still have the ability to love, because we still have the quality to be loved.

Ning Xuan, when I read your description of Grandpa, I feel as if there is a green olive tree standing in front of me, so elegant, noble and graceful, it shelters the travelers resting in the desert. Today, I have more free time, and I will tell you the story of my grandma.Look, the two of us are "painfully talking about the history of the revolutionary family".None of our family histories, though, have anything to do with the sweeping narratives of "revolution" and "liberation," which, like the fibers on a leaf, have their own way of absorbing sunlight and moisture.

My grandpa and grandma were both illiterate farmers who had cultivated the land. Apart from that, there was no other "great achievement" worthy of praise-the huge history book will have nothing to do with them Relationship. My grandma once told me about the scene when my grandpa passed away -- my grandpa was holding his trouser legs, barefoot, and his feet were still covered with wet soil.He just fell straight into the muddy water, facing the blue sky and white clouds on his back. Grandma said, Grandpa is so pitiful, he has never worn a pair of decent shoes in his life.Even on the wedding day, she wore a pair of cloth shoes borrowed from her brothers.Because of the ill-fitting feet, he walked cautiously, as if he was afraid of stepping on the ants on the ground.Usually throughout the year, regardless of the cold or heat, grandpa does not wear shoes.It's not because I don't want to wear them, but because I'm poor and can't afford shoes.

Grandma said that it was also because she was too poor. When she was doing the funeral for grandpa, she wanted to put him in a new pair of shoes so that he could be buried in peace, but then she really couldn't afford the money.She had no shoes when she was alive, and she had no shoes after she died. Grandma felt sorry for grandpa.Later, it was the kind brother from the same family who sent the pair of cloth shoes that I lent my grandfather to wear for a day.Although it is already half old, it finally didn't let grandpa go into the ground barefoot. When grandma told everything, there were no tears, and her tears had been shed many years ago.

Although grandma has never read a book and is illiterate, she is a smart woman.After her grandfather died, she withstood the fatal blow and began to work hard to support her three children.She knew that the family of four could not make ends meet with income from farming alone.Even if I am worthy of a man's labor, it is impossible to support three children anyway. How to do it?Relying on strength, she can't compare with big men; she has no capital to start a small business.In the depressed rural areas at that time, how many ways were there to make money?So, grandma began to use her tofu-making skills to earn some money to maintain family expenses.From this point of view, grandma still has some "business sense"--and grandma herself said that it is not forced by life!

She bought soybeans to grind herself, made bean curd, tofu and dried tofu, and carried them on a pole to the town more than ten miles away to sell them along the street.When she was still a girl, she was already famous for her unique skills in making tofu.The tofu she makes is white and delicate, with a strong aroma. In the neighboring villages, if any family holds a red and white banquet, they must invite grandma to instruct the women to make tofu.Grandma is at her most majestic and happiest when she is hosting a banquet.She was the center of attention, and more importantly, she was able to get a generous reward from the owner-bring a big bowl of braised pork home for the three children in the family.

Dad said that when grandma went out to help others make tofu, it was also the happiest time for him and his three children, uncle and aunt.Since grandma went out early in the morning, they have been looking forward to grandma's return.The youngest father even ran from the door of the house to the big locust tree at the entrance of the village to look around, and went back and forth several times. Finally, when the sun was about to set, grandma came back.On the dining table at home where there is very little oil and meat, there is actually a bowl of braised pork with oily braised pork. Doesn’t it make the children hungry?And grandma usually smiles happily, watching the children eat meat, she herself is not at all reluctant to eat it.She looked at the children's devouring with affection, with both relief and guilt in her eyes.She thought, these lovely children should live a better life.

Grandma finished her farm work during the day and began to push the heavy millstone at night. The snow-white soybean milk flowed slowly under the silver moonlight, and the sweat on grandma's forehead was also shining.She often has to work until midnight before she can rest. Dad once told me that one night, he suddenly woke up from a dream and saw his grandma pushing the millstone through the window, tears streaming down his face.He got up quietly and came to grandma to help her turn the mill.However, grandma reprimanded him and ordered him to go to bed so as not to delay tomorrow's homework.

Grandma has supreme authority in the family, she is both mother and father.In his hometown, the children all called their father "Eda".In my hometown, there is still such a custom that in a family without a father, children usually call their widowed mother by the name of their father.Therefore, my father called grandma "Big Forehead" since he was a child. That night, my father swears with tears in his bed: he must study hard and be admitted to college! In the 1950s and 1960s, it was the era of vigorously "cutting the tail of capitalism" in the countryside. Grandma, a weak but strong widow, did not take the call of the great leader to heart, and still carried the burden to run her small business.There is only one truth in her heart: to survive, to earn money, and to send her children to school.

She doesn't know who is the president of the country, who is the chairman of the party, and who is the premier of the State Council. She only knows: she is a mother, she must raise her children, and she must let her children become scholars. One day, grandma was selling tofu in the town.A cadre in the town has his eyes on grandma: this is not bad, this woman dares to violate the party's policy and engage in small capitalist business!He found that this was a good negative example, so he rushed over, grabbed grandma's burden, and kept saying that he would confiscate it.One set of truths came out of his mouth, including the quotations of the great leader, and he hoped to use these words to frighten this ignorant little woman.However, grandma couldn't understand a word.

Grandma thought of the three children who were waiting to be fed at home, and her heart was overwhelmed. Motherhood overcame her fear, and she tried her best to take back the burden. The two held each other for a long time, and the other party, a big man with a big brain and a fat stomach, was unable to take the burden from the thin grandmother. During the stalemate, people from the town gathered around, many of them were grandma's long-term customers, and the tofu made by grandma was already inseparable from the dinner table at home.They also empathize with Granny's situation - a young widow with three kids in tow, easy?So, they helped grandma speak up one after another, condemning the arbitrariness of the cadres. The vicious cadres had no choice but to let go when they saw that the anger was hard to break.Grandma took the opportunity to pick up the burden and quickly fled into a small alley.The fat-headed township cadre didn't get any money, so he walked away cursing. From my grandmother's point of view, this scene may be just a part of ordinary life; but from my point of view, it is simply a "war without gunpowder smoke" between a simple mother and a powerful state power. This is a great war. Who is more powerful, a mother who raises her children, or a policy of keeping people alive?Which side is noble and which side is evil? In the end, it was the great mother who won a brilliant victory.Even in the toughest of times, grandma didn't make the kids bloated with hunger.Back then, even in many families where the parents were alive, the children were swollen from hunger and their lives were hanging by a thread. To this end, grandma has paid double, or even several times, the hardships and efforts.She exhausted all her strength and fucked her heart.Her hands were covered with thick calluses, her black hair turned white in middle age, and after her grandfather passed away, she never drank the nectar of love again. Many years have passed, and recalling these years, grandma is still very proud of her achievements.I think this is the greatest career a rural woman can create.I respect such an ordinary, humble and noble cause, but I don't respect the turbulent careers of those great leaders who "strike the country" and "sit in the country". In the grandeur and splendor, we cannot find beauty and goodness; beauty and goodness only exist in the ordinary and humble. Later, my uncle and my father were admitted to prestigious universities.Dad's college entrance examination results are still the number one in the county.A family had two college students, and it was a weak widow who raised two college students. It was a myth in a remote and poor village at that time. Everyone in the small village is poor, but the farmers still maintain respect for culture and education.The farming family suddenly had the atmosphere of poetry and writing, and its status was immediately improved.People around began to look at grandma with eyes full of respect.However, how many people know how this miracle happened?How many people know how much grandma paid for this honor? Dad also told me such a tragic story. During the Great Famine in 1961, Li Jingquan, the "King of the Southwest" who ruled Sichuan at that time, desperately catered to Mao Zedong's "Great Leap Forward" thinking, regardless of the life and death of the people, in order to curry favor with the supreme leader to consolidate his position.In order to hand over grain far exceeding the actual output to the central government, he expropriated the rural areas of Sichuan, causing the Chengdu Plain, known as the "Land of Abundance", to suffer from hunger that has never happened in a thousand years. At that time, my father was studying in middle school. According to regulations, each middle school student had a grain book, and rationed 15 catties of rice every month.Of course, the fifteen catties of rice can't completely fill the stomach--how can a boy who is in the growth stage eat only fifteen catties of rice a month without any oil and water?However, the fifteen catties of rice can be called "life-saving food". If you can't eat enough, you won't starve to death. Dad said that if he hadn't been admitted to the county middle school and worked as a farmer in the countryside, he would probably have starved to death—among his peers, there were so many who died silently in the fields.Many childhood playmates disappeared during those years. Even with this ration, my father still saved one-third of it every month, and took it home to cook for grandma and aunt with bran flour and sweet potatoes.He goes home once a week.There are more than 50 miles of mountain roads from the county seat to the village.He started off as soon as school was over on Saturday afternoon, and it was late at night by the time he reached home on foot.Without shoes, his feet had calloused thickly on the gravel. Once, I helped with farm work all day at home and was about to go back to school when my father suddenly found that the food in his pocket had disappeared.Immediately, as if he had been shocked by an electric shock, his whole body went limp, and he squatted on the ground for a long time, unable to stand up.He wanted to cry, but his voice was hoarse and he couldn't cry out.As soon as grandma heard the news, she realized that the situation was serious—without food, she would lose half her life.This is how to do ah?Sweat trickled down her forehead drop by drop. Fortunately, grandma is used to being the head of the family, and she is a knowledgeable and thoughtful mother.She immediately asked her father: "When did you lose the food?" Dad recalled it in detail, and told grandma: "I checked it when I went to bed last night. At that time, the food book was still in my pocket." Grandma analyzed that since the food was not lost outside, but was lost at home, there is still hope of getting it back.She immediately thought that the food must have been stolen by someone who had been to the house that day. Who actually stole it? Grandma carefully recalled the people who had been to the house.On this day, there was only one guest at home—that is, my grandma’s younger sister who was married to a poorer village next door, that is, my father’s aunt. The aunt's house couldn't open the pot anymore, so she ran to grandma for help.Grandma is a widow, how can I save her?But grandma saw that her sister was really pitiful, so she boiled two sweet potatoes for her emergency.My aunt thankfully hugged the sweet potato and said goodbye. "Could it be that my sister actually did such a shameful thing?" Grandma thought painfully.She didn't want to believe it was true.However, the guests who have been to the house, except for my father's aunt, are no one else.Well, that's the only truth. Immediately, grandma took father and rushed to the grain station.Grandma, who knew things like a god, said to my father: "If your aunt really stole the food book, she will definitely go to the food station to cash in the food. We block the food station in advance, and there is still a glimmer of hope for getting the food book back." When they came to the grain station, they explained the situation to the staff.The staff saw a woman with a thin child, and after listening to their cries, they felt compassion immediately.The staff promised them that if anyone picks up food with a food book with Dad's name on it, they will detain him immediately. Grandma didn't say that the thief might be her sister or the child's aunt.This fact humiliated her immensely.However, this fact is likely to be presented to her at once without any concealment. The staff asked the mother and son to hide in the room and told them that as soon as there was news, they would be notified to come out and catch the thief. Dad and grandma stayed in the office of the food station.Stayed for more than three hours. For grandma, those more than three hours were such a painful torment: she looked forward to the sky and the earth, hoping to find the food book, and if the food book was found, her son's life was also found; I don't want to find out that the thief is my own sister or the child's aunt!How will she face her biological sister in the future? Suddenly, a dispute broke out outside.It was the staff who were arguing with a woman.It was loud and could be heard very clearly in the room.When grandma heard the sound, she immediately felt like being shocked by an electric shock.She recognized the woman's voice—it was indeed her own sister and the child's aunt! Grandma and Dad rushed out.The aunt saw Dad first, her little nephew.She immediately stopped arguing with the food station staff.She turned pale, covered her face in shame, turned her back, and squatted on the ground all at once.Grandma went up and scolded her younger sister with snot and tears: "Why are you so cruel? Didn't you kill your nephew? Are you still worthy of being the child's aunt?" My aunt kept covering her face, not daring to look at grandma and father, and not saying a word. The staff of the grain station were stunned by this scene. Suddenly, my aunt also burst into tears: "Sister, you can scold me, you can beat me, I am not human! I shouldn't do such a shameful thing. However, my child hasn't eaten for a few days, They are about to starve to death! I am also a mother, what should I do!" The two women burst into tears as if no one else was around.One of them cried more sadly than the other.They attracted many people around to watch.Anyway, the face is already torn, what face is there in the face of hunger?They simply burst into tears. They don't know who to curse, who to hate, or who is responsible for all this—is it the production captain?Is it the secretary of the county party committee?Is it Li Jingquan from the provincial capital?Or the great leader behind the curtain of the Forbidden City who "points out the country and inspires words"? To think and answer all these questions is far beyond the knowledge structure of two rural women.They can only believe that this is "destiny"--this is how farmers have explained their suffering and torture since ancient times. A few years later, my father, who was studying in college, gradually understood the root of the suffering of his mother and aunt after his own painful thinking.After reading a large number of "forbidden books" lent to him by his professors, he figured everything out.Years later, he told me the answer. At that time, the thin father was at a loss.He didn't dare to persuade his mother, let alone visit his aunt.He kept his head down and looked at his toes, as if all the mistakes were his own making. That scene is just the most insignificant and insignificant microcosm of the fate of Chinese peasants. Later, the father who retrieved the food book finally survived the famine.He lived up to his grandma's high expectations, was admitted to university, and became the envy of everyone in the village.But my aunt's son and father's cousin starved to death in the famine. From then on, grandma and younger sister were just like strangers, and they stopped seeing each other until they died. Ning Xuan, I tell you the story of my grandparents because I want to tell you: My ancestors were farmers, farmers who stepped on the ground with bare feet, and I am the son of farmers.This identity, which I cannot choose and cannot change, has a decisive influence on my writing.It directly affects what I write, what I don't write, and even how I write.It directly instructs me how to judge good and evil, truth and falsehood, beauty and ugliness. As Schweitzer, the great doctor, Nobel Peace Prize winner, and known as the "Father of Africa" ​​said: "Goodness is: to love and promote life, and to elevate life with the ability to develop to the most valuable position. Evil is : Injure and destroy life, and hinder the development of life. This is a principle that must be considered absolutely in morality. Because of the ethics of respecting life, we will have a spiritual connection with the world." Yes, words come from life, and words must express A tribute to life.Only by respecting every individual life can it be possible to build a real "brave new world" based on goodness. And those sweet-talking leaders' speeches, those high-sounding declarations and communiqués, and those sanctimonious writings and papers only reflect the transfer and publicity of power, and only express the enslavement and domination of individuals.They are evil, false, and ugly. My writing is a confrontation with this kind of writing and language, a confrontation with the power and desire of these enslaved people. My writing is connected with grandparents and thousands of people who have the same fate as them. At any moment, I will not betray this principle. Ning Xuan, we don't need to mourn or be sad, because: "Blessed is the mild man, for he will inherit the land." love you tingsheng January 23, 2000 Tingsheng: When I received your letter, I happened to be leaving get off work soon.I cried while reading it, regardless of my colleagues around me.Miss Secretary ran over in surprise and asked me what was wrong.I shook my head and said it was nothing, and put on a smiling face to persuade her to leave. Your grandma's life was also so difficult, she has many similarities with my grandma.However, your grandma is even more fortunate. She is still alive, and she has seen the growth of her children, grandchildren and even great-grandchildren. She has enjoyed a bit of belated happiness. You once told me on the phone that your grandma is still clear-headed and often plays mahjong with her grandchildren.I immediately thought, if my grandma could do this, it would be great!In the future, I will go back with you, back to that small village, and go back to see your grandma——my grandma too.I want to pay tribute to her, and I want to honor her by serving a small meal of Jiangnan dishes. I understand your position, you are a good farmer's boy.This is the fundamental reason why I respect and love you. You are both weak and strong.It is in this way that you are real.We will not forget those pools of blood and tears, so that we have hope to overcome fear.Everyone who has not been conquered by evil has a heart full of love. In the eyes of our grandpas, our grandmas are their "Helens"; in the eyes of our fathers, our mothers are their "Helens"-beauty is secondary, the key lies in the heart fit. In fact, every man has a "Helen" in his mind.Xiao Hong is Xiao Jun's Helen, Li Yinhe is Wang Xiaobo's Helen, Shi Pingmei is Gao Junyu's Helen... In the eyes of lovers and lovers, the woman who really loves always has the beauty and temperament of Xi Shi. I don't know, am I your Helen? Lin Yaode, a Taiwanese essayist who died young, wrote a special article entitled "Helen".He introduces two Nobel Prize-winning Greek poets, Seferis and Erythys, both famous for their romantic titles as "Singers of the Aegean" and whose works also featured Helen, who sparked the Trojan War. as a sad theme. Lin Yaode was very envious of these two great poets. He wrote: "Greek modern poets are burdened with history and mythology accumulated for thousands of years, as heavy as marble columns, and faced with the spirit brought to them by the magnificent literary models since Homer. pressure; but in reality, they can be blessed by nature, born on the land and islands full of Mediterranean sunshine, they can let their minds glide on the snow-covered peak of Mount Olympus, and they can let their bodies soak in the Aegean Sea In that transparent blue." Their pressure is also their driving force, and their burden is also their wealth. The sun is shining on the Mediterranean, and so are their hearts.Love in the sun is the most graceful. The beauty Helen described by Erytis is a mysterious symbol that transcends time and space; while Helen described by Seferis is a phantom, an empty white robe. massacred.Is this the price to pay for beauty? I think it is not the beauty of women that is at fault, but the evil of men.Beauty itself is noble, is beauty a mistake?What is wrong is the narrow psychology of delusional possession of beauty alone, which eventually leads to the destruction of beauty. The Aegean Sea where Helen lives, I think it might as well be translated as "sea of ​​love".When I was studying geography in middle school, I wrote "Aegean Sea" as "Love Sea". Later, I was laughed at by teachers and classmates.But I stubbornly believe that this is my own understanding and my own translation, and I am not convinced at all.I have always believed that this ocean was born specifically for love. So, is there any Helen in history?For hundreds of years, many western historians have conducted arduous research on Helen's person and events, but they still have not obtained a clear answer.I think they are doing "useless work" - there is no need for academics to enter the realm of mythology.I would rather agree with Lin Yaode's point of view: "The ancient Helen is not just a beauty, she is also a string of wind chimes, a pomegranate flower that never fades, a magical phantom, an elf with thousands of incarnations, entering and exiting myths, looming Between the lines of poetry, she is the most false truth, and the truest fiction." I was lying on the bed reading this newly bought "Lin Yaode's Essays", and then took out the paper to write to you.Writing to you is the happiest thing in my day.However, I am still in bed when I write to you.Of course the handwriting was very illegible.However, I think that as long as you read with your heart, you will be able to recognize all the characters. The time I spend on the phone with you is also getting longer every day. You know, I usually take my mobile phone, hide in the small bathroom, sit on the toilet, and then lightly dial your number.This is the most private space, and no one can hear the intimate conversation between the two of us. Sometimes, the girl in the same room, Xiaoxing, had been waiting for a long time and knocked hard on the door outside.When I came out, before I could open my mouth, Xiaoxing shouted at me: "All day long, what kind of letters are you writing, what kind of phone calls! There is only nonsense and no action! If you love him, you should quickly put it into action and rush to Beijing to hug him." Him, marry him! Now is not a shy age, girls can still take the initiative!" When Xiaoxing said these words, he deliberately put on a vicious look, but it made me laugh.Xiaoxing is an ordinary clerk in our company, two years younger than me.In the office, I am her direct supervisor; after get off work, she is my closest little sister.We often go shopping and buy clothes together, and she will tell me exactly what is on her mind.And the relationship between me and you can't be hidden from her eyes. Xiaoxing has just graduated from university and has never suffered any setbacks in love or career, so he still has the demeanor of a "new and new human being" who is not afraid of heaven and earth.On the issue of love, she is a complete "activist"-as long as she loves, she will immediately use actions to achieve it.Her current boyfriend was "captured" by her in the way of "women chasing men".Xiao Xing said that there are too few good boys nowadays, and once he finds one, he must "strike accurately" without hesitation. Whenever I write a letter, Xiao Xing often deliberately sings loudly in front of me: "Of ten men, seven are stupid, eight are stupid, nine are bad, and there is one that everyone loves. Sisters, jump out, even if Deceive him with sweet words, love well, and never let him leave again. If love has a price, then accept him forever.” This is a popular song sung by Taiwanese singer Tao Jingying. Tao Jingying is a talented woman, and the lyrics are all written by herself.Xiaoxing likes Tao Jingying's songs, but she sings so loudly at this time that I can hardly write my letter. This quirky girl, she's "encouraging" me with this song.However, I think it is quite appropriate to use this song to describe you - you are the only man worthy of my love. Seeing Xiao Xing in high spirits, I suddenly felt as if I was old.I thought I had the courage to pursue love, but compared with her, I still seemed a little inferior. Xiaoxing's opinion is consistent with your wish - aren't you sitting on the sidelines in Beijing? love you Ning Xuan January 28, 2000 Dear Ning Xuan: You talked about Helen in your letter.Yes, every man has a Helen in his heart.Ning Xuan, you are my Helen. For you, I am willing to launch a "war" - a war with yesterday's me, a war with all dark forces.I want to be a transparent person, a kind-hearted person.Love is so mysterious, it makes people more pure. However, I have been waiting for too long, you are always far away, where I can't see you.When will you come to me? The girl in your room named Xiao Xing is so cute, she spoke my mind.She told you to rush to Beijing to hug me and marry me, so hurry up! Tagore said: "Finally, I opened my eyes from my deep sleep, and I saw you standing beside me, and my sleep was bathed in your smile. How I used to be afraid, afraid of the distance and difficulty of this road, to you How hard is the effort ahead!" When I read this sentence, I thought: When will my fear turn into joy?When will there be no distance between us?That day won't be too far away. Ning Xuan, of course I know you understand and support my position, our love started from this understanding.The love I need is inseparable from spiritual pleasure and integration. These days, I have written several articles about the "Cultural Revolution".In our generation, few people are as interested in the "Cultural Revolution" as I am.My thinking about the "Cultural Revolution" first came from my father's inspiration.My father was a witness and bystander of the "Cultural Revolution". My father had just completed half of his studies at Chongqing University when the "Cultural Revolution" broke out.The residents of the mountain city of Chongqing have been hot-tempered since ancient times, so after the "Cultural Revolution" broke out, the fighting here escalated sharply.My father heard and witnessed all the tragic and bloody things. The first shock to my father was the death of the headmaster. Zheng Siqun, the president of Chongqing University at the time, was a highly respected old revolutionary, a seventh-level cadre, and his rank was higher than that of the Chongqing Municipal Party Committee Secretary and Mayor at that time.Principal Zheng is very concerned about the lives of the students. He used to visit the students from dormitory to dormitory in the dormitory building, asking about the health and well-being of the students.In front of many students in the cafeteria, he picked up the rice beside the rice bucket and ate it.When he walks on campus, he will take the initiative to say hello to every teacher and student he knows or does not know.At that time, there were many good stories about the old headmaster. My father was the poorest student in the class, and he received a special bursary.After studying in college for more than two years, he has not worn a pair of shoes.Whether it's the cold winter months or the scorching summer heat, he is barefoot.In winter, patches of red chilblains appeared on his feet; in summer, the cobblestone roads in Chongqing were scorched by the sun, and he had to maintain a bouncing posture when walking. At that time, everyone was very poor, and only a classmate from a cadre family wore a watch on his wrist, and everyone was very envious.However, amidst the general poverty, there are still not many students who are so poor that they have not worn shoes for several years like their father.However, my father was very calm. He went to class and the library barefoot, and he always walked like flying, with his head held high. My father said that being poor is not a shame, being lazy is a shame.The candle beside my father's bed was often lit until late at night.I have seen my father's notebooks when he was a student, and I was amazed by the dense small letters.During the four years of college, my father's academic performance has always been very good.He said that when he thought of his mother and sister who worked hard at home, he didn't dare to be lazy. Once the school held an awards ceremony, and my father, as one of the ten outstanding students who were commended, came to the stage to receive the certificate.When Principal Zheng was awarding the certificate, he noticed his father, who was wearing a white-washed canvas suit and was barefoot. This poor and handsome young man left a deep impression on the old principal. After the meeting, Principal Zheng sent a teacher to find his father and called him to the principal's office.When my father came to the principal's spacious office for the first time, he was still uneasy.He dawdled at the door with his muddy soles for a long time, and only dared to step on the carpet of the principal's office under the secretary's urging.Unexpectedly, the principal personally poured him a cup of scented tea, and kindly asked him about his life and study.When he learned that his father was a child brought up by a widow, and that he was excellent in character and learning in the department, the old principal sighed for a long time. After pondering for a moment, the old headmaster suddenly asked his father: "How big are your feet?" Father didn't expect the old headmaster to ask such a strange question, but he still answered honestly. The old principal smiled: "Your feet are as big as mine, we are all big-footed men." He immediately ordered the secretary to buy a pair of cloth shoes according to the size of his father's feet. The cloth shoes were bought soon, and the old headmaster handed them to his father and said to his father, "Son, I give you these shoes." The father blushed and refused to accept the principal's gift.The old principal said: "If your father is still alive, he is about the same age as me, so you should be a gift from an old man to a young man." Hearing what the old principal said, my father had no choice but to accept this special gift. This pair of cloth shoes was the first pair of cloth shoes my father wore in his life.He is usually reluctant to wear it, and only takes it out once or twice during festivals or class events. He never imagined that at the beginning of the "Cultural Revolution", it was President Zheng who was the first to be overthrown and brutally persecuted. In July 1966, the working group marched the downed Principal Zheng on campus.The old headmaster had disheveled hair, was wearing only shorts and a vest, and had beating marks on his face.At this time, the mountain city of Chongqing is like a big steamer with high temperature, and people are like shrimps in the steamer.Under the scorching sun, the sweat and blood on the old principal's face flowed together. The old headmaster, who used to be neatly dressed and meticulous, has lost his dignity, but he still tries to stand upright.His snow-white hair glistened in the sun.He was barefoot, walking on the hot stone road.He walked with difficulty, moving step by step.The students escorting behind kept pushing him, several times, he almost fell to the ground. There are hundreds of teachers and students watching.Some people watched silently, their eyes full of sympathy; others were yelling, as if they were at a carnival.However, no one dared to go forward to help the old principal or stop this cruel act.It was a moment of horror that gripped everyone's mind.Everyone is a boat in the ocean.Everyone has learned to play it safe. At this time, the parade reached the student dormitory area.Father was studying in the dormitory on the second floor when he suddenly heard a loud noise outside.He poked his head out to take a look, and immediately felt as if he had received an electric shock: the one who was insulted was actually his most respected old principal! He saw the crowd with swords drawn around him, saw the staggering old headmaster, and saw the old headmaster's bare feet.He was stunned. After a while, my father came back to his senses, and he quickly took out the pair of cloth shoes that had only been worn a few times from the box, and then ran downstairs like an arrow.He squeezed his way into the crowd desperately.Under the scorching sun, he squeezed out a profuse sweat.He rushed in front of the old headmaster, his young, black and white eyes stared at the old headmaster's old eyes.The old headmaster recognized the student. He wanted to open his mouth to speak, but his chapped lips moved, but no sound came out. The father squatted in front of the old principal, and he put a cloth shoe on the old principal's feet. The onlookers were stunned.The first escort of the working group was also stunned.郑思群已经成了众所周知的"特务"、"内奸"，居然还有学生光天化日之下与他套近呼！This is not bad! 工作组带头的人立刻走上前来，一把将父亲推开。他厉声质问："你是那个系的学生？你跟郑思群是什么关系？" 父亲手里还拿着一只鞋，他只来得及给老校长穿上了一只鞋。他还想上前去帮校长穿另一只鞋，这时已经有另一个造反派威风凛凛地站在他的前面，不让他接近老校长。 父亲不是一个大胆的人，他从小时候起性格就很内向。在众目睽睽之下，父亲结结巴巴地回答说："那，那……总得让人家穿上鞋子吧！" "你这是什么意思？你这是小资产阶级的温情脉脉！革命又不是请客吃饭。在翻天覆地的革命中，不是你死，就是我活！郑思群是刘邓走资派在重大的代表人物，打倒郑思群！"那个带头的高年级学生甩手就给了父亲一记响亮的耳光。 那一记耳光，打得父亲眼冒金星，脸上火辣辣的。 他眼睁睁地看着老校长被押走了。老校长回头最后看了他一眼，那一眼里包含了复杂的含义，有感激，有欣慰，有坚定，有愤怒……父亲说，直到今天，他也没有完全理解老校长那最后的一瞥。 老校长穿着一只鞋子缓缓离开的背影，长久地留在了父亲的记忆里。那是父亲最后一次见到老校长。 半个多月以后，工作组突然宣布，郑思群校长在他被关押的松林坡招待所畏罪自杀。 父亲后来告诉我，他还真感谢那一耳光。那一耳光彻底地将他打醒了。 "文革"刚开始时，他还轻信报纸上的宣传，心里很兴奋。然而，那一响亮的耳光让他认识到"文革"的本质，让他比他的同学们早觉悟了好几年。 从此，父亲疏离于外面如火如荼的"文革"进程。同学们都觉得很奇怪，像父亲这样出身贫农、根正苗红的学生，为什么不积极参加"文革"，而成了一个"逍遥派"？原因只有父亲自己知道，他埋藏在心底里，不敢跟任何人讲。 留下的那只鞋，父亲一直到保存着。直到十多年以后，"文革"结束，郑校长平反了，学校召开追悼会，父亲才把它带到会场，抱着它对着老校长的遗像深深地三鞠躬。 "文革"不仅夺走了老校长的生命，还夺走了与父亲同宿舍的、住在父亲对面的一个张姓同学的生命。张是父亲的好朋友，他的死，同样给了父亲巨大的震动。 那时，系里每天都要开会学习毛主席的最高指示。会议一般由班上的同学轮流念《人民日报》的社论和消息，再由积极分子们登台讲述心得体会。 张同学有严重的口吃，平时就是大家嘲弄的对象。在公众场合，他几乎不开口说话。非说话不可的时候，他也是憋了半天，脸涨得通红，才说出几个没有连续起来的"字"。他最害怕的事情就是上台读报纸。可是，那个时候，谁敢宣称我不愿意读报呢？ 轮到张读报的那天，他战战兢兢地上台了，可是越紧张就越容易犯错误。 他高度近视，戴着一个大眼镜，把脸几乎跟报纸贴在了一起。他朗读了一两句，还显得比平时顺畅。突然，一句如同平地响雷的话，从他的口中冒了出来： "混入革命队伍的汉奸、工贼、叛徒毛主席……" 顿时，教师里的空气凝固了，大家面面相觑，不敢做声。 原来，由于眼镜近视，更由于太紧张，他念报纸的时候看错了行，把这一行的"刘少奇"三个字看成了下一行的"毛主席"三个字。他全神贯注地调动嘴巴，希望让自己不结巴地读出声来，却完全没有去想读的每句话究竟是什么意思。说出这句话后，张还没有意识所犯的错误，还想继续往下念。 这时，台下团委的干部才醒悟过来，立刻冲上去从张的手中夺过报纸。 张这才意识到自己已经犯下了不可饶恕的错误，他脸色发白，浑身发抖。他不知所措地看着台下黑压压的几十个人，汗水从额头上一滴一滴地往下掉。 大家谁也不敢发出一点声音来。偌大的教室安静得像一个坟墓，大家听见张脸上的汗水掉在地上的声音。 两个身材高大的学生头领站起来，他们像老鹰拎小鸡一样拧着张的衣领，把他拖出去了。张神情恍惚，像是患了梦游症的病人，他没有挣扎，也没有辩解，仿佛被拎走的不是自己，而是别人。 紧接着，另一个学生头领上台宣布，刚才发生了一起极其严重的现行反革命事件。他们决定立即向公安局报案。在公安人员到来之前，在场的所有人都不准离开。公安人员要向大家询问情况。 半个小时以后，警车呼啸而来。一大群警察冲了进来。 刚才，张被带到旁边的教员休息室看管起来。现在，他又重新带回了教室。 一名脸色铁青的干警拿出文书，当场宣布了对张的逮捕，并让他在文件上面签字。张的手哆嗦得像一个严重的伤寒病人，他一连挣扎了好几下，都拿不住笔，更无法写字。最后，还是警察帮他托着手腕，让他在文件上按下了一个鲜红的手印。 然后，在场的所有人都必须留下一份书面的证词。一直折腾了几个小时，大家才被允许离开。而张被呼啸而去的警车带走了。 后来，公安部门调查出，张的爷爷是国民党党员，还曾经担任过乡长--张在填各种表格的时候，把这一切都隐瞒了。于是，问题越来越严重--他肯定是故意辱骂毛主席，他在疯狂地向无产阶级政权发起进攻。 一个月以后，张的公判大会在沙坪坝区召开。周围十几所高校的几千名学生都赶去参加，还有许多好奇的市民跑来围观。这次公判大会是有关部门故意安排的，目的是对那些"反革命分子"起到某种威慑作用。 张被判处二十年的有期徒刑。一句话，他的一生从此便毁了。 父亲说，他在人群中远远地看到了张，看到了这个平时就跟他生活在一起的同学。本来个子就很矮小的张，被五花大绑着，在两边高大威武的民警的村托下，简直就是一个侏儒。绳索紧紧地勒进他的身体里。 张的眼睛绝望地看着台下。那一天，台下几乎有上万人。父亲回忆说，张的眼睛里是一片空白。那一刻，父亲就意识到，张以后肯定会出事的--他的眼睛里什么都没有了，连起码的生活的意志都没有了。 果然，仅仅两个月以后，消息传出：张在监狱里自杀了。 大家谁也不敢议论这件事情。尤其是张的室友们。父亲他们被公安询问了无数次，问张平时的表现，张说过什么反动的话等等。这件事情之后，大家都杯弓蛇影，经常疑神疑鬼。前车之鉴就在面前，谁还敢露一点口风？ 一次是老校长的死，一次是朝夕相处的同学的死，死得那样惨烈，那样迅速。 比起那些直到林彪摔死之后才觉醒的同学，父亲的觉醒整整早了五年。两个生命的消失，让他及早开始了对"文革"的反思。他的觉醒得益于身边的鲜血--这究竟是他的悲哀呢，还是他的幸运？ 这点鲜血仅仅是开始。此后，重庆的武斗更是陷入血雨腥风之中。每次数千人、上万人的武斗，都会死亡数十人乃至上百人。 一九六七年七月八日，重庆的两派造反组织在红岩柴油机厂发生冲突，打死九人，受伤近两百人。这次大规模的武斗中，双方第一次使用了真枪实弹。这次事件被称为"打响了重庆武斗第一枪"。 一个月以后的八月八日，重庆望江机器厂的造反派用三艘炮船组成舰队，沿长江炮击东风造船厂、红港大楼、长江电工厂及沿江船只。这次武斗，俨然就是一场小规模的战争，死亡人数就高达两百四十人之多。 在枪林弹雨中，父亲对"文革"的认识继续深化。他是一个工程师，与那些"两耳不闻窗外事"的理工科出身的技术人员不同，却对人间的善恶、真伪有着天然的辨别能力。 父亲的想法深刻地影响了我。从很小的时候起，我就对所有暴虐和血腥的东西充满厌恶。许多小孩子都有过喜欢穿军装、玩战争游戏的成长阶段，我却没有过，我从小就不喜欢这些玩意。我是彻底的非暴力主义者，我坚信：任何"主义"的实施，都必须以尊重人的生命为前提。 今后有可能的话，我想对"文革"问题作一些研究。对我来说，这既是权利，又是责任。 love you tingsheng 两千年二月二日 Tingsheng: 在我们这一代人当中，已经没有多少人知道或者愿意了解"文革"了。但是，在我看来，灾难并没有完全成为过去。 现在，又出现了许多肯定"文革"的言论，这些言论又打上了形形色色的新奇的油彩。有人引用西方的后现代理论，说"文革"是最民主的时代，毛泽东是"后现代"的大师；也有人说改革开放以来贫富悬殊、腐败横行，不如"文革"时候人人平等、要穷大家一起穷。 在学人、文人和艺人之中，也出现了不少的"文革秀"和"毛泽东秀"--比如美国耶鲁大学教授崔之元之流，在大洋彼岸大唱"文革"赞歌，进而认为那是人类历史上最"民主"的时代；比如自诩为"平民作家"的王朔之流，把残酷血腥的"文革"描述成"阳光灿烂的日子"，并且将无知也当成了一种光荣；比如"自由音乐人"张广天之流，胸口戴着毛泽东的像章，居然把鲁迅先生也阐释成了毛泽东的信徒。 我隐约感受到了其中蕴含的危险。其实，让这些愚昧者或者假装愚昧者觉醒过来也很容易：让他们换成那个念错一句话就被判处二十年徒刑的张某，让他们享受享受被皮带上的铜头抽打脸颊的滋味，让他们像大兴县的村民一样被专政机器活埋，他们还会热爱"文革"、还会歌颂"伟大领袖"吗？ 我以前也朦朦胧胧地听说，重庆"文革"的武斗堪称全国之冠，看到你在信中的描写，我才有了更加直观的印象。我想，我们有责任让那些悲惨的事件不再发生在我们的生活中。捍卫记忆和拒绝遗忘是我们的方式之一。 今年春节，你没有回家过年吗？你一个人孤零零地呆在北京，想想也真可怜。北京又听不到鞭炮的声音，大城市里有多少过年的气氛呢？你的身边有好玩的朋友吗？你们会到郊外放鞭炮吗？ 而我，真想飞到北京来陪你啊。可是，不行，我要去看望外婆。我都有一年多没有见到外婆了。趁着过年，我跟全家人一起回到了乡下的外婆家。在我们家人团聚的时候，我忽然想起孤独地在小屋里准备论文的你来，鼻子就发酸。妈妈看出了我有心事。可是，我不告诉她。 今天一大早，我趴在床上给你写信，头未梳，脸未洗，却在镜中看到自己满面的光辉，双目灼灼的闪亮。因为我刚才一直躺着看你的信、读你的书--我把你的信和书随身携带着。一段段诚挚的文字搅活了我满身经脉，激活了我热血沸腾。 现在，也是江南冬天即将过去、春天即将到来的时候。料峭的春寒让我想起了雪莱的《西风歌》-- 若使我是片你能吹动的枯叶， 若使我是与你同飞的流云； 一丝在你的威力下喘息着，分有 你浩然之气的波浪，只赶不上 你的自由，啊，不可约束的大力！ 甚至于若使我还在我的稚年， 能做你在天上漫游的伴侣， 以为能跑得比你在天上的 遨游还快；我决不会这样感到 痛切的需要，向你努力祷告： 吹起我来吧，像一丝浪，一片叶，一朵云！ 我坠在人生的荆棘上，我流着血！ 时光的重担锁住且压着一个 太像你的人：难驯，轻捷，而骄傲。 这是翻译家朱生豪译的原作的第四节。 这些天，我在读朱生豪的传记。朱生豪翻译的莎士比亚是我喜欢的译本，它古雅而不失灵动，质朴而不失精美，犹如一块温润的玉石，将中国和西方文化、文学与文字的美融为一体。 而让我最感动的是朱生豪与宋清如之间"才子佳人、柴米夫妻"的爱情故事。两人是在杭州钱塘江畔、秦望山头的之江大学相识的。这里风涛流泉、绿树红楼的景致我太熟悉了。 很多年后，宋清如回忆初次认识朱生豪的情景时说："那时，他完全是个孩子。瘦长的个儿，苍白的脸，和善、天真，自得其乐地，很容易使人感到可亲可近。"我初次见到你的样子，也差不多呢。 两人从诗友开始，逐渐产生了感情。一九三三年早春，朱生豪邀请宋清如去灵峰探梅。玉泉山后的灵峰，是江南赏梅的胜地，我去过好几次。假如你春天来杭州，我一定会陪你去的。 按照常人的逻辑，朱生豪毕业在即，应当是向女方倾诉衷肠的时候了。然而，他除了向深爱的女孩介绍梅花之外，依然默默无语。腼腆而内向的他，一直"金口难开"。 这时，就连朱生豪的同寝室好友彭重熙也感到着急了，他代好友写了一首送给宋清如的《蝶恋花》，其中有"卿是寒中梅，我是梅边雪"的句子。朱生豪说："看了这两句，使我脸红。"他始终没有把它送出去。亲爱的廷生，我原以为你是世上最腼腆的人，没想到朱生豪比你还要腼腆呢，刚开始恋爱的时候，他连一封求爱的信件和诗词也不敢发出去。 而宋清如呢，除了女孩的羞涩之外，还有一层难言的隐痛。 早在六岁的时候，父母就给她订下了婚约，对方是江阴的望族。宋清如升入高中以后，接受了新时代的新观念，毅然向母亲宣告："谁订的婚，谁嫁过去！"母亲只得依从了绝决的女儿。 直到大学第二年，对方才正式同意取消婚约，并登报声明。宋清如终于获得了自由身。 朱生豪在给宋清如的信中写道："以前我最大的野心，便是成为你的好朋友；现在我的野心，便是希望这样的友谊能继续到死时。谢谢你给我一个等待。做人最好常在等待中，须是一个辽远的期望，不给你到达最后的终点。但一天比一天更接近这目标，永远是渴望。不实现，也不摧毁。每发现新的欢喜，是鼓舞，而不是完全的满足。顶好是一切希望化为事实，在生命终了的一秒钟。"这封信，标志着他们由普通朋友转变为恋人。朱生豪的似水柔情，全都浸润在这封看似平淡的信的字里行间。 他还作了三首《鹧鸪天》的词送给她。其中，有一首是这样写的： 忆昨秦山初见时，十分娇瘦十分痴。席边款款吴侬语，笔底纤纤稚子诗。 交尚浅，意先移，平生心绪诉君知。飞花逝水初无意，可奈衷情不自持。 这像不像我们刚认识时的情态呢？你会不会填词呢，如果会的话，赶快填一首送给我。 抗日战争爆发之后，宋清如随家人背井离乡去了四川，而朱生豪从上海避居嘉兴，后来又避难乡间。两人相隔万里，心灵却没有距离。朱生豪用"蜀山应比吴山好"的诗句来勉励远方的爱人。蜀山真的比吴山好吗？只有你才知道。 宋清如在成都女中教了一年书，看到上海局势趋于缓和，便与家人一起辗转数省，返回了上海。国难当头，几经聚散，一对恋人不禁感慨万千。 一九四一年底，太平洋战争爆发，日军突然袭击上海孤岛。朱生豪任职的《中美日报》被荷枪实弹的日军占领。朱生豪夹在排字工人中逃出，丢失了全部的译稿和资料，以及三本自己编写的诗集。不过，总算逃出了一条命。 第二年春天，正是两人生活最艰难的时刻。患难见真情，两人在上海举行了简朴的婚礼。十年漫长的恋爱，终于结出了甜蜜个果实。 到了结婚的那一天，这对新人却没有一身合体的礼服。宋清如的同学李信慧发现这一情况，赶紧回家拿来一件新做的粉红色旗袍和一双皮鞋，两人身材差不多。而朱生豪常年都是竹布长衫，表姐帮他借来一件袍子。谁能想到，才子佳人身上穿的，都是借来的衣服呢？ 宋清如的老师、词学大师夏承焘先生为他们题写了"才子佳人，柴米夫妻"八个字。这八个字是对他们的爱情和婚姻最好概括。 朱生豪在结婚的第二天，就向远在四川的老同学彭重熙写信报告结婚的消息，信中有"一觉醒来，遂成有妇之夫"之语。 有一天，我也会让你实现这个梦想的。我们也将是一对相亲相爱的"才子佳人，柴米夫妻"。 love you Ning Xuan 两千年二月九日