Chapter 10 Thorns: 6-9

Tingsheng: We will always "agree".No matter what disaster you suffer, I will support you unconditionally. When Bo Yang's ex-wife married Bo Yang, she didn't love Bo Yang at all—love, and only "love" those external things, such as Bo Yang's talent, such as Bo Yang's reputation.And when all this is gradually dimming and even leading to disaster, she will inevitably abandon him mercilessly.She is not worthy of Bo Yang or even our condemnation, she has her own principles of life.May God forgive these selfish people. When Bo Yang's ex-wife betrayed him, the female poet Zhang Xianghua came to him.She wrote a poem called "My Lover on Burning Island".I like the title of this poem, it is full of tenderness and rigidity at the same time.

I admire Ms. Zhang's strength and talent (the first is strength, the second is talent).Someday in the future, if necessary, as a wife, I will have the courage to meet such a fate and write a poem like this for you. Two days ago, I watched a movie "Cleopatra".I wonder if you have seen this movie?I am not interested in the grand war scenes in the film, but I was deeply moved by the love between the Roman consul Antony and the Egyptian queen Cleopatra. Antony was Caesar's close comrade-in-arms and general, and an excellent commander.He is also a man of temperament, who can do anything for love.He fell in love with the beautiful queen, and for love, he left the center of world power - Rome.Anthony came to Egypt to marry the queen and enjoy the sweetness of love.He loves beauties and forgets the country.He could have become the master of the world and the supreme emperor of Rome - but he chose love in the end and paid the price with his life for it.

At this time, Antony's enemy, Octavian, stepped in.The conspirator consolidated his power in Rome and continued to undermine Antony's prestige. In thirty-one BC, Octavian sent troops to attack Greece occupied by Antony, and a great war broke out.At that time, both sides invested huge forces.According to historical records, Antony had 100,000 infantry, 15,000 cavalry, and 500 warships on his side.Octavian, on the other hand, had 80,000 troops and 400 warships. When the war was at a stalemate, Cleobarat made a fatal mistake. She believed that the war had failed, and she led the Egyptian army to flee back to Egypt.Unable to control the collapse of his army, Antony had to withdraw with it.In this battle, Anthony's main force was almost completely lost.

The following year, Octavian's army invaded Egypt.Near Alexandria, Antony tried to resist, but the remnants of his army were rendered useless.In desperation, Antony and the queen both committed suicide.The scene of the Queen reaching into the clay pot full of scorpions was truly heart-pounding. Historians can act as "afterthoughts", they can sharply criticize Anthony's strategic mistakes, and they can laugh at Anthony's "shortness of heroism".However, I still want to praise Anthony's "children love". Anthony's fate is similar to Xiang Yu, the overlord of Western Chu, and they lived in similar times.Although Xiang Yu also lost his empire and life, he has Yu Ji who loves him.Yu Ji died together with him, and he died without regret.So what if Liu Bang gained the empire?There is no love between him and Empress Lu.His beloved woman was chopped off by the vicious Empress Lu and put into a jar.

Who is happier, Xiang Yu or Liu Bang? Who is happier, Antony or Octavian? I admire losers, and I admire those who die for their love. Love makes us weak and also makes us strong.Anthony is extremely weak because he knows how to love; Anthony is extremely strong because he also knows how to love. So what if Octavian became emperor?What about world domination?So what if it occupies the history books?Nobody loves him and he's still a wretch. I have written a poem for Anthony, which I copy at the end of this letter as a little gift to you. last morning of marc anthony The Twelve Legions Facing the Romans

i am the only warrior in egypt like i was its only deserter now The night watch and the soldiers have abandoned me love is like a desperate blackbird hovering overhead from a one man fight You can see the fighting of a hundred thousand people in the name of a loser i ask for an honorable death behind me The Countless Heads of Alexandria follow the horse My howl shatters on a thousand-faced iron shield Life has become the only pawn in the hand Death breathed and whispered to me "You expect too much from me." In my mind, the losers are the real heroes. your Ning Xuan

December 12, 1999 Ning Xuan: Our letters are read by each other's hearts, and our faces are imagined by each other's eyes.This is a kind of happiness. If Emily Dickinson's letters and diaries belong to herself forever, then our diaries and letters belong to each other at the same time. The love that can be shared by the other party is true love, and it will flow continuously like well water; while the love that can be shared by one person is like the sand in an hourglass, which cannot be replenished, leaks less and less, and finally disappears. I am willing to accept your love, use my heart, use my body, use my hut, use my everything.We eat in a bowl, use an umbrella to keep out the rain, and use a quilt to keep warm.

We don't have any little secrets that we don't want each other to know.The two of us formed a completely independent world, the warmest, sweetest, happiest world, a world that was invulnerable to poison and invulnerable to guns and swords. With your love, I will have no fear, no sorrow, no hatred, no loneliness.Having your love is like having a colorful garden; having your love is like having a crown full of pearls. Ning Xuan, do you feel that my personality is also quietly changing these days.Because of love, I am humbled and grateful, my heart becomes soft, my eyes become warm, and my words emit a faint light like round jade.

The Bible says: There is no fear in love; perfect love casts out fear, for in fear there is punishment.The fearful are imperfect in love. ("1 John 4:18") Falling in love with you, I no longer worry about giving love and not getting anything in return, and I no longer fear that my heart will be hurt because of defenselessness.I also have the courage to bear the blows that may come to me in the future.Every blow will make me stronger and our love stronger.I am willing to be reborn in love, to be "complete". My new book "Wings to Fly" has been officially published, and I heard that the printing is very beautiful.I'm off to sample the book tomorrow.After I get it, I will send it to you by express mail immediately.Although you have read all the contents, when they are compiled, printed, and bound into a real book, I believe you will feel very differently.

The name you chose, friends say is very good, better than my previous books.How did they know that there was a "female intellectual star" behind me? "Cleopatra" is a movie I like very much, but it is rare for you to give such a wonderful explanation and interpretation.Like you, I like Antony and loathe Octavian.I love the line in your poem "In the name of the losers, I demand an honorable death" - in a battle of vile rules, the losers are the ones who deserve our respect. In fact, Anthony is the overlord of Chu.As far as love is concerned, China is the same as Rome, and the Oriental is the same as the Westerner.

The death of Antony and King Chu means the end of the childhood of human beings, and the beginning of human beings entering the sophisticated, tactful, and cunning adulthood.And Liu Bang and Octavian are the representatives of the victors and rulers in human adulthood.In other words, only a despicable and shameless person like them can achieve earth-shattering success in the worldly sense.We have to accept the fact that the rogue will surely triumph over the nobility. Since then, the rules of the game have changed. "Cleopatra" is too old a movie, let me tell you about a new movie. Yesterday, I went to a friend's house to watch the new film "Suzhou River" by the young director Lou Ye.Almost all of their films were "shot" by censors, but they were favored by international film festivals.However, I don't understand why the censors want to shoot this movie, it's purely a romance movie, without any impact and mockery of reality.Don't they know what love is?Are they all a group of psychopathic eunuchs? "Suzhou River" is a romance film similar to Wong Kar-wai's "Chongqing Express".It's just simpler, more youthful, and more beautiful. Some people accused Lou Ye of not being generous, only "pessimistic and romantic of a small model".However, what I like is precisely this kind of "little romance" that masters dismiss.Zhang Yimou and Chen Kaige would not have this kind of romance. They imagined some illusory "big words" such as history, country, and nation, and they themselves were confused and moved by a sense of solemnity wrapped in commercialization and moral education.But in the young Lou Ye, each of us can discover our own youth, real and subtle, meticulous and exaggerated. I have been to Suzhou Creek, two years ago.This river has appeared in the writings of many cultural people in old Shanghai.Now, it is in sharp opposition to this beautiful name - it is the dirtiest and smelliest river in Shanghai.Lou Ye chose Suzhou Creek, and he has his own set of ideas: this is a "river", but also a "human" and "love". Lou Ye described in poetic language in the film: "I often take pictures of the Suzhou River alone, going down the river, from west to east, and passing through Shanghai. The legends, stories, memories, and all all the rubbish is piled here, making it one of the dirtiest rivers. Many people still live here, live by this river, and many people spend their lives here. Looking at this river for a long time, it It will let you see everything. See people working, see friendship, see fathers and children, see loneliness." His camera is an extension of his eyes, his camera is no longer a machine, but He is an integral part of a flesh and blood body. There is no shadow or atmosphere of Shanghai in the film.The director does not want the audience to immediately think of Shanghai when they see the screen.The romantic stories about old Shanghai are now flooded.Why do you have to get involved with "Shanghai"? In the film, there are only abandoned houses, crooked roads and mottled concrete bridges, as well as slightly swaying dogtail grass and barking dogs on both sides of the river.All this is exactly what I like and is familiar with.My childhood was also spent by a small river, and that small river contains all my childhood memories. The storyline of the film, like a Japanese novel, reminds me of and.Men are always the role of betrayers, while women immediately become unwilling ghosts after leaving this world.Men search for the lost love in confession, while women let tears flow like rivers in despair. Love is presented in reminiscence as if peeling off the cocoon. The film is divided into two worlds, one is the world of memory and the other is the world of reality.The heroine in the memory is Peony, and the heroine in reality is Meimei. They are played by the same actor Zhou Xun.Are they alone?You can think yes, or you can think no. The story in the memory is roughly like this: Peony’s father is the boss of smuggling vodka, and he hires a young boy, Ma Da, to ride a motorcycle to send his daughter home.Sending and sending, the two developed feelings.Later, two underworld figures coerce Ma Da to kidnap Peony and extort huge sums of money from her father.After Peony knew the truth, she was so sad that she jumped off the bridge and jumped off the Suzhou Creek. The story in reality is roughly like this: Ma Da came out of prison and frantically looked for Peony everywhere.He doesn't believe that Peony is dead.Many people along the Suzhou Creek say that they often see a mermaid by the river.Therefore, Ma Da believed that the mermaid must be his beloved peony. Ma Da finds Meimei - a girl who looks exactly like Peony, a girl who plays a mermaid in a dance hall.He firmly believes that Meimei is Peony, and he keeps pestering Meimei.Finally, Ma Da finally found Peony in a shop-there was that special brand of vodka.Afterwards, both of them jumped into the Suzhou Creek. I like Lou Ye's Conrad style of narrative.Conrad tells about the hurricane and stormy waves of the sea, while Lou Ye tells about the joys and sorrows of a small river.The river is not as good as the sea, and Lou Ye is not Conrad.However, it doesn't matter, what I am most interested in is not the magnificence of the master, but the passion and romance of young people who have not yet become masters.When a master really cultivates to become a master, it is not fun at all. At this moment, Lou Ye is just a young man of our generation.Much of what he felt was exactly how we felt. The film begins with these lines: --If one day I leave, will you look for me like a motor? --meeting. -- Will you keep looking for it? --meeting. --will always find death? --meeting. This is the classical core of the film.Like the meridian of a leaf, through it, we discover the soul of the story.This matrix is ​​enough for artists to render a thousand or ten thousand works, and none of them is repeated. It seems that Romeo and Juliet, Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai are immortal, and so is love. The Bible says: Love that many waters cannot quench, Even the floods cannot drown, If a man trades all the treasures of his house for love, They were all despised. ("Bible Song of Solomon 8:7") Ning Xuan, have you seen this movie?Perhaps, compared with me, you will feel more cordial.Because Suzhou Creek is close to your hometown. Experiencing love is the most important reason we live. Lozanov said: "All love is beautiful, and only it is beautiful. Because the only real thing in the world is love. Love and lies are incompatible: the first time I lied means: I I don’t love anymore, I love very shallowly. When love disappears, truth disappears. Therefore, seeking truth in the world is equivalent to constantly and sincerely loving.” Ning Xuan, we will gain love, and we will be the happiest people in the world.We will never be apart, like two little fishes that live together. Do you have such confidence? The letter I wrote to you is the most passionate text in my life.German thinker Weber is a rigid and serious person in real life, he looks like an ascetic.Still, his love letters surged with a passion he couldn't contain. Weber wrote in a letter to his lover Mary Anne: "I know how you will decide. The storm of passion is raging, and the sky is dark around us-my open-minded partner, come out with me from the safe haven and go to the sea !There men will be freed from the past and grown up in the struggle of the soul. Beware, though, that when the sea beats, the sailor's head and heart must be clear.  … If you come with me, don't answer me .When I see you again, I will hold hands silently. I will not lower my eyes in front of you, and you should not lower my eyes. I only say to you now: I am grateful for the wealth you have brought to my life, and my heart is on you .Okay, say it again: come with me, I know, you will come." He has high expectations of his lover, and even seems a bit "authoritarian".However, in front of his lover, he became a teenage college freshman instead of an accomplished scholar.I like this type of writing by Weber far more than I like his academic papers. Love makes young, love makes simple, love makes innocent. Ning Xuan, there is also the sea and waves in front of us. Let's go to sea together. love you tingsheng December 17, 1999 Tingsheng: I am counting the days every day, is it time to receive your letter?Every day I receive your letter is my holiday. You told me the story of the movie "Suzhou Creek", but I would like to tell you a true story, a story about my grandpa and grandma, a story about butterflies, a painful story about dreams being destroyed by reality, a A story of love withering like a flower and life dying like a candle. Perhaps, it has more thrilling power than a movie story. Someone once asked the naturalist John Ray: "What is the use of butterflies?" Ray John said: "Butterflies can decorate the world, delight the eyes and ears, and brighten the countryside, just like countless golden rings adorning the fields." He also said: "The beauty of butterflies is beyond words. Are you amazed by the workmanship?" From ugly chrysalis to beautiful butterfly, this process is completed in an instant.We cannot but marvel at the miraculous power of the Creator.This process is a metaphor for the Son of God, Christ Jesus, who came to the world, died for mankind, and resurrected from the dead.This process inspires human beings not to give up hope even in extremely difficult times, and not to give in to evil under the pressure of boulders. Human beings extend their limited life into eternity because of their dreams. In the 1940s, the war of resistance against Japan filled the air.The three major educational centers in the north—Peking University, Tsinghua University, and Nankai University—were forced to move to the rear of Yunnan.The three schools merged to form the new "National Southwest Associated University".Preserving the lifeblood of education also preserves the lifeblood of culture.Therefore, Southwest Associated University has become one of the symbols of national spirit in wartime. At that time, my grandfather was also one of the students who walked thousands of miles.Grandpa was born in a declining gentleman family in Yangzhou. He was a quiet and gentle scholar.He majored in biology, and just after a year of school, the flames of war ignited on campus.So, carrying books on their backs and holding hands, they walked to the rear on foot. Along the way, grandpa and his classmates saw everything that they couldn't see in school: death, famine, floods... He also saw beautiful butterflies in the mountains and fields in the gaps between climbing mountains and wading. After the air raids, butterflies flutter among the ruins of the countryside.Grandpa stared blankly. Arrived in Kunming, just settled down, Grandpa fell in love with the butterfly in the suburbs of Kunming irretrievably.Because he fell in love with butterflies, he took butterflies as his lifelong research direction - he wanted to decipher the mysteries of butterflies, and he wanted to know the true meaning of beauty.I have never been to Yunnan.However, I read from some sources that there are the most diverse butterfly resources in China. Grandpa studied biology, but he is still infatuated with literature.He deliberately watched the beauty of literature through the wings of a butterfly.This fatal character factor also flows in my blood-literature has given me endless joy and pain at the same time. Grandpa had a close relationship with those classmates known as "Nine Leaf Poets".During the intervals of dodging the alarm, the poets recited their newly written poems on the hillsides in the outskirts.But the grandfather, who wears glasses with deep myopia, concentrates on catching butterflies and making specimens.He was so focused that he once fell into a trap set by a hunter, broke his thigh and spent a month in the hospital. Grandpa was famous among his classmates for his love of butterflies, and he became a "story" among Southwest Associated students.It is said that Feng Zhi's sonnet was written specifically for his grandfather who studied "wonderful little insects": we are ready to receive deeply those unexpected miracles, Suddenly in the long years With the appearance of a comet, the wind blows: In this moment of our lives, like in a first hug The joys and sorrows of the past are suddenly in front of my eyes Condensed into a standing body. We praise the little insects, they had a copulation Or fend off a danger, end their wonderful lives. Our whole life bears Suddenly the wind blows, and the comet appears. Grandpa is an aestheticist, he doesn't like utilitarian and bloody politics.He wants to explore the mysteries of life, the mysteries of beauty.Instead of being a poet, he became a biologist specializing in butterflies.He was "writing poetry" in another form, perhaps closer to poetry. He found poetry, beauty, the dignity of life and the greatness of God among the butterflies in various poses and with different expressions. In the normal school next to the Southwest Associated University, there was a beautiful girl who noticed the grandfather who forgot to sleep and eat for butterflies.Her eyes looked at the thin figure of the young man with pity, appearing and disappearing among the mountains. She is my grandma. Grandma is an out-and-out lady.The great-grandfather was an open-minded gentleman who resolutely sent his daughter to school despite the opposition of other members of the family.As a result, grandma became the first girl in the local area to finish college. Grandma likes to read, writes well, and speaks fluent English.She disapproved of the phony poets whose long hair and pipes were nothing more than a disguise for inner emptiness.She looked over a lot of celebrities and talented scholars, only to find Grandpa, a taciturn young man with eyes like an ancient well.She found a kind heart behind his fair face. One day, grandma gave a specimen of a butterfly to grandpa. They met, fell in love, and got married.It all happened naturally, and the whole process took less than a year.The great-grandfather did not interfere with their love and marriage, but tolerantly accepted the poor grandpa as his son-in-law, and presided over their simple wedding. Their love has no thrilling twists and turns, and no life-and-death turmoil. However, the factors of tragedy had already been planted at that time.Grandma knew in her heart that she loved her grandpa more than anything else, and that butterflies were just her way of getting close to grandpa; and the "confused" grandpa never figured out in his life whether he loved butterflies more, grandma more, or both. Love. In the early 1940s, my grandfather and grandmother traveled across the ocean to study in the United States.He voted for one of the most famous butterfly research experts in the United States, and he was fascinated by the unique world under the microscope.In order to collect various butterfly specimens, he and his mentor drove almost all over the United States in an open car.Grandma followed them all the way, taking care of their diet meticulously.Grandpa is a fool in life, but his American tutor is full of praise for grandma's cooking skills-what foreigner doesn't like Chinese food? Grandpa's heart was on butterflies. He collected a large box of butterfly specimens and published several papers that attracted the attention of the international academic circle. Grandpa's love for butterflies surpasses even his mentor. The instructor said that grandpa was the best student in his life. In the early 1950s, like most patriotic intellectuals, Grandpa and Grandma decided to return to China without thinking twice.They want to play for the newly established new China, and they have heard the powerful pulse of the giant. Grandpa has always been like a wild crane in the clouds.In any case, he could no more understand the differences between those complicated political factions than others could understand why he loved butterflies with all his heart.However, he believes that his motherland needs his butterfly research, not to mention that he wants to go back to Yunnan, where he spent his best youth, where there are many rare butterfly species that cannot be found anywhere else on earth. His love belongs there, his career belongs there, and his life also belongs there. The American tutor sent away his best student.When grandpa and grandma boarded the boat, the mentor said sadly: "Butterflies cannot fly in such a wide ocean." Unexpectedly, he turned out to be a prophecy. As soon as grandpa and grandma returned to China, they came to Yunnan.They settled down at home, grandma went to teach in a school, and grandpa started his huge collection and research project of butterfly specimens.His small studio is filled with colorful butterfly specimens. Every month, grandpa would go to the wild to catch butterflies, and then make them into exquisite specimens.He wants to freeze the momentary beauty into eternity.He published a number of academic papers, and he put forward unique insights on many issues, which caused quite a stir in the biological circle. Later, father was born, the only son of grandparents.At this time, grandparents have already had some disputes and frictions.The balance of grandfather's heart is still biased towards the butterfly, although on the family side, the weight of the son has been added. Grandma complained from time to time, and she began to question herself: Does this man she loves so much love her? Little friction is normal in any household.A small friction will not overthrow the family building, but will polish the eyes of love. However, none of the common people, including grandparents, thought that disaster was coming quietly.They can't hide. Who can guess the mind of a great leader?Even his comrades-in-arms around him were kept in the dark.What's more, the grandfather who is an idiot in daily life except for butterflies? The common people in China want nothing but to live and work in peace and contentment.Intellectuals like grandpa are the most humble, gentle, and purest group of people among them.However, the fate of the grandparents is like a boat made of paper for children, how can they escape the devastation of the storm? "Under the overturned nest, there are still eggs." In an era where truth, goodness, and beauty are enemies, and an era where blood and violence are fashionable, will a heretic who stays in the corner and studies butterflies be tolerated? Evil has no mercy.Evil will destroy all people and things related to beauty.At that moment, evil was flooding like a flood.With every political movement, the water level of the flood rises to a new height. Fear grips the hearts of the people, and they see no silver lining. Only God knows the nature of things. The Bible says: The wicked flourish like grass, When all the workers of iniquity prosper, It is they who perish, Forever. ("Psalm 92:7") However, how can mortals see through this heavy cloud of smoke? Many of them did not persist until the day when the evil perishes. They fell under the torture and threats of the evil.They used their own methods to carry out the final struggle, such as the Fu Lei couple who hanged themselves, the Jian Bozan couple who took poison, and Lao She who threw himself into the lake... My grandfather, a poet and biologist, chose exactly the same way as the writer Lao She, to come Say goodbye to this evil world. In the ten years since returning to China, Grandpa has escaped several political storms.From the anti-Hu Feng movement to the more grandiose anti-rightist movement, many of my grandfather’s college classmates were swept away by the huge historical whirlpool. Most of the poets who were in their prime in those days are now ruined.Grandpa survived not because of his sophistication and intelligence, but because of his dullness and simplicity. He has been silent, hiding in his own butterfly world.He stubbornly guards his own world, which contains countless codes of nature.In this world, he is like a fish in water.He is usually dull, but when he was playing with the butterfly specimens, he glowed with vigor. Grandpa never speaks at meetings, big or small, and he doesn't know anything about the snowflake-like documents.Colleagues and leaders are also used to this "butterfly idiot" and did not force him to speak or express his opinion.They almost forgot his existence. Grandpa became more and more silent day by day, what secret did he discover in the butterflies? Grandpa and grandma rarely spoke.And grandma got used to his stony silence. However, the "Cultural Revolution" of the proletariat did not let him go, even if he was an intellectual who was indifferent to the world and a poet who used biology to write poems. Doom struck overnight. There is no other reason, just because grandpa had studied in the United States, he was labeled as an "American spy".He became an "enemy of the people".In that era, the hat was deadly.Grandpa jumped into the Yellow River and couldn't wash it off. One evening, the Red Guards from the university broke into my grandfather's house and his studio.These children who were still listening to their grandfather's knowledge about butterflies with great interest in class yesterday turned into fierce spirits who descended from the sky. They said that grandpa went to the mountain to collect specimens to engage in "secret activities", and they said that his mentor in the United States was a "CIA spy".They forced grandpa to kneel down, they threatened grandpa to confess.What could poor grandpa have to say?In any case, he was unable to connect the gentle and warm American mentor with the evil "American imperialism".He told the aggressive Red Guards that he had never done anything to betray his motherland or his conscience. Some of the Red Guards continued to ask about Grandpa's life in the United States, and some began to rummage through his study.They found the butterfly specimens that grandpa had hung on the walls.This is the wealth of my grandfather's life. He often said proudly: "In terms of personal collection of butterfly specimens, I can be regarded as the best in China." He also said that these specimens do not belong to him personally. All the specimens are sent to the museum for more people to visit, appreciate and study. On that day, bad luck came for the butterfly specimen.Grandpa's bad luck also came. The beautiful butterfly did not arouse the last ray of human brilliance of the Red Guards, but instead aroused the evil that was surging like waves deep in their hearts.They saw the stuffed butterflies, and mischievous looks appeared on their faces. They did it, they whipped the flimsy stuffed butterflies with broad leather straps.While they were whipping, they laughed like wild animals.They blushed as if they were doing a great job.There is joy in destruction, the darkest side of human nature. The stuffed butterfly was shattered, pieces flying in the afternoon sun.Fragments large and small, colorful fragments, danced in the air for the last time. Grandpa's heart was also broken, each piece was soaked with his painstaking efforts, and each piece corresponded to a certain period of his life. Grandpa, who had always been silent, cried, and he rushed up like a leopard.He desperately protected his beloved butterfly, and he resisted the whipping like a storm with his weak body. The children showed no mercy at all, on the contrary, their whipping became more vicious.They find it more interesting to whip their professor, a living person, than a bunch of dead butterflies.They are dominated by evil, and they thought they were doing something righteous.They grew up in a toxic culture and now they are tools of the devil. The children had had enough, and then began to destroy grandpa's collection of books and manuscripts.They searched for the so-called "secret evidence" from boxes and cabinets, but found no clues after searching for a long time. Grandpa's head was dripping with gurgling blood.He seemed to lose his sense of pain, he didn't duck, he didn't moan.He struggled, trying his best to press the most precious specimens under his body. Grandma and Dad were crying, but they were held tightly by other young Red Guards, preventing them from approaching. Grandpa finally passed out on the ground. The thugs had enjoyed enough and tossed enough, and then they left. The butterfly specimens that Grandpa had collected all his life were brutally destroyed within a few hours.These cruel young men, I don't hate them, I pity them.They take pleasure in destroying beauty, science, and human dignity, and their happiness will eventually be destroyed by themselves.They regard crime as glory and injury as credit, but they don't know that the sword of punishment will soon fall on them. Grandpa didn't eat or drink for a few days.No matter how grandma persuaded it, it was useless.He lay on the ground like a mummy, his eyes fixed on the broken butterfly wings beside him.The last batch of butterfly specimens that he desperately preserved had already seeped into his blood. After a few days, Grandpa seemed to regain his sanity.He began to eat and sleep normally, and began to organize the damaged butterfly specimens, books and papers.He won't let grandma help. Grandma thought that grandpa survived, so she happily prepared delicious food for him.Later, my father recalled that in those days, despite the storm outside, the home was full of unprecedented warmth.Grandpa was often arrested and criticized by the Red Guards, but he has not completely lost his personal freedom and can come home every night.Instead of hiding in the almost empty studio, Grandpa chatted with Grandma and Dad in the living room.More often, grandpa and dad, who are still in elementary school, talk in a low voice.In those moments, father and son are like friends and like brothers. Later, my father told me that during this period of time, he and his grandfather talked the most.Through the conversation, he began to understand his grandfather and his career.He begins to have a heartfelt respect for his eccentric father -- a man with dreams, he realizes. However, that was just the calm on the eve of a more brutal disaster.Both grandma and father were vaguely aware of the fierce struggle in grandpa's heart. Dad said that after that day, Grandpa actually made up his mind to go.Grandpa was leaving this world, a world he couldn't understand and couldn't understand him.Grandpa's beloved butterfly has died with the wind, and it is impossible for him to accumulate this wealth again.He loves grandma, but he doesn't want to add pain to grandma because of his own pain. He decided to leave quietly alone, and went to another world to look for butterflies, love and beauty. In those last days, Grandpa tried his best to be a good husband and father.He has a sense of guilt towards his family. Suddenly one day, after a criticism meeting, grandpa never came home again. At night, grandma frantically inquired about grandpa's whereabouts.然而，在那样的年月里，谁会关心一个"美国特务"的生死呢？大学里掌权的造反派们，只关心他们日新月异的派系斗争，区区一个被打倒的教授的生命，他们哪里会在意呢？没有人理会奶奶的呼号。 几天以后，消息传来，在翠湖边上，漂起了爷爷的尸体。尸体已经泡得面目全非，衣服口袋里还装着一个蝴蝶的标本。 当奶奶去现场辨认尸体的时候，发现那个蝴蝶标本正是自己当年送给爷爷的礼物。正是靠着这个蝴蝶标本，他们相识、相知、相爱。从物种来说，这不是一个珍稀蝴蝶的标本，但它却是他们爱情的见证。 奶奶哭得昏死了过去。她面对着爱人的尸体，依然不明白：他究竟是喜欢蝴蝶多一点，还是喜欢自己多一点？如果是喜欢自己多一点，那么他为什么要瞒着自己走上了绝路，抛下孤儿寡母怎么生活呢？如果是喜欢蝴蝶多一点，为什么他在告别人世的时候，会带着那个特别的标本、那个象征着爱情与青春的标本？ 我心里难受，我写不下去了。 请原谅我在这不该终止的地方，暂时中止我的这封信吧。 your Ning Xuan 一九九九年十二月二十一日 Ning Xuan: 回忆是痛苦的，但是我们必须回忆，并且在回忆中反思。否则，我们可能再次重复上一代和上几代人悲惨的命运。 你的信戛然而止，像是弹琴的人因为太投入，突然将琴弦弹断了。 我经常思考半个多世纪以来中国知识分子所遭遇的悲惨命运，你爷爷正是他们中的一员。 半个世纪以来，对文化、艺术、科学、知识的蔑视、冷漠乃至敌视的态度，成为我们生活中每天都在呼吸的空气。 在"文化大革命"中，首先是在北京的中学里发明了剃阴阳头、挂黑牌子、以皮带抽打，而那些施虐者仅仅是年龄在十八岁以下的中学生。过去，有人用单纯和无知来开脱他们的罪行。事实上，单纯、无知往往与谦卑、温和联系着，单纯与无知并非打人的"依据"。那些迫害者们想方设法、挖空心思来从肉体上、精神上折磨受迫害者，他们并不单纯，也并不无知。 问题的实质在于，在整个社会的精神结构中，恨取代了爱、斗争取代了和平。那些现代人类生活的基本的、共同的价值观念与行为准则，在我们这里却极端匮乏。 在我看来，爷爷的自杀，与王国维的自杀有着相似的意义--尽管王国维是一代文化宗师，而爷爷仅仅是一个普通的生物教授。他们都是为尊严和信念而死的。 我们这一代人，能不能为改善我们的"空气质量"做一些努力呢？ 宁萱，我愿意听你接着讲你的爷爷奶奶的故事，我也愿意给你讲我的爷爷奶奶的故事。 我的爷爷刚三十岁就离开了人世，从这个角度上来看，他比你的爷爷还要不幸。 我的爷爷只是一个极其普通的农民。他没有念过一天的书，也不认识一个字，他像千百万农民一样，生老病死，都在方圆几十里的一块土地上。他一辈子都没有去过省城，据奶奶说，就是县城他也仅仅去过有限的几次。 爷爷来到这个世界，除了留下一个年轻的妻子和三个嗷嗷待哺的孩子、留下一贫如洗的家之外，就什么也没有留下了，甚至没有一张照片。他像一滴太阳下的水珠，不知不觉就消失了。 爸爸是遗腹子，他一出生就没有了父亲，他从来没有见到过父亲，他不知道父亲的长相。而大伯和姑姑年纪都还小，他们也逐渐记不清爷爷的长相了。 奶奶呢？守寡半个世纪的奶奶呢？半个世纪的时光逝去之后，她对丈夫、对那个三十岁的年轻的丈夫，还能有怎样的记忆？清晰还是模糊？温热还是淡漠？ 对于大多数农民来说，写在书本上的"历史"跟他们的生活毫无关系。那些"伟大"的战争，对他们来说，除了恐惧之外，没有别的意义。 一个又一个的政权湮没了，又兴起了。他们照样日出而作，日落而归。他们照样承担着沉重的赋税--自从城市诞生的那一刻起，城市就像吸血虫一样贪婪地吮吸着农村的血、农民的血。农民从来都没有闹明白：上天赋予他们的土地，为什么却要向人间的帝王缴纳巨额的赋税？ 而今，我们都蜕变成了城市里的人，我们究竟应该感到幸运，还是应该感到耻辱？ 一个旧政权的即将灭亡，一个新政权的即将建立，像一阵风吹过水面一样，波纹过后，一切依旧。该种田的还得种田，该养牛的还得养牛。老百姓不知道究竟谁在紫禁城里坐天下，只关心这一年是不是风调雨顺。 一九四七年，历史书上描述它是血与火的年份，一个洋溢着欢乐气氛的年份。 我翻开编年史，上面记载着这样一系列的"大事"： 一月一日，国民政府公布《中华民国宪法》。 二月二十八日，台湾"二·二八"起义爆发。 五月，各大城市学生参加反饥饿、反内战、反迫害运动。 六月三十日，刘邓大军强渡黄河，揭开了共产党军队战略进攻的序幕。 七月二十二日，美国魏德迈"访华考察团"来华。 十月十日，中共中央颁布《中国土地法大纲》。 十二月二十五日，国民政府公布《戡乱时期危害国家紧急治罪条例》。 从这些五花八门的事件中可以看出，国民党已经是止不住的颓势，而共产党正在勃勃兴起。 中国的新纪元即将开始，幸福生活指日可待。诗人们写作的全部是快乐的诗篇，他们简直要把肚子笑炸了。但是，对于爷爷奶奶和他们的茅草屋来说，这一年却意味死亡与哀痛，这一年是暗无天日的一年。 那些惊天动地的"国家大事"统统与他们没有任何关系，或者说，暂时还看不出与他们有什么关系。"国家"、"民族"的记忆是虚幻的，只有个人的记忆是真实的。 所以，在第一次世界大战爆发的那一天，卡夫卡在日记中却毫无记载。他依然在描述自己琐细的日常生活，洗澡，吃饭，睡觉。战争的硝烟还在远处，政治家们许诺的胜利以及胜利以后的幸福在更远处。 宁萱，请允许我把眼光从编年史中转移开来，转移到一个微不足道的农民家中。 那一年的春天，爷爷正在田里耕作，突然肚子一阵剧痛，黄豆般的汗珠涌了出来。邻居们把他抬进屋里，还挺着大肚子的奶奶慌成一团。 爷爷痛苦地呻吟着。邻居们建议把他送到县里的医院去。可是，医院对农民来说简直就是可望而不可及的天堂--他们哪里有钱到医院去看病呢？ 平时有点小病小痛，通常都是硬挺过去；如果病情加重了，便请在乡间游走的郎中随便抓两副中药吃。能够治好，算是幸运；如果病情继续恶化，那也就只能在家里等死了。 在农村里，生命如同稻草一样卑贱。每一年，都有无数的生命像小草一样在田地里折断。 "死去何所道，托体同山阿。亲戚或余悲，他人亦已歌"，千百年来，农民都是这样挣扎着活过来的。 奶奶拿出了家里唯一值钱的东西--爷爷送给她的定亲的礼物，一个小小的银手镯。她央求邻居们用滑杆抬着爷爷到医院去。乡亲们看着奶奶可怜，便让她在家里等待着，几个精壮的男子抬着爷爷上路了。奶奶用打着补丁的衣袖给躺在滑杆上的爷爷擦了一把汗。她怎么也没有想到，这个男人从此就弃她而去了。 从村子到县城的医院，有几十里的路。乡亲们轮流抬着爷爷奔跑着。到了医院，医生说这是阑尾炎，必须马上动手术，要先交手术费。 乡亲们说，大家身上都没有钱，先拿奶奶的手镯垫着，以后一定补上。医生说，这是制度，哪里有不收钱就动手术的？这样传开去，人人都像你们这样两手空空地到医院来，医院怎么办得下去？ 乡亲们流着泪哀求了半天，医生依然不肯通融。而爷爷已经陷入了昏迷状态。医生抛开病人，拂袖而去。乡亲们只好披星戴月地抬着爷爷回家。就在回家的路上，爷爷咽了气。咽气的时候，他怒睁着双眼。是因为疼痛还是因为愤怒呢？没有人知道。 爷爷刚刚三十出头，他是多么地不愿意离开这个世界啊--他还有妻子，还有孩子，他走了，他们怎么办呢？ 奶奶送爷爷出去的时候，还能够听见他的呼吸，还能够摸到他的体温。仅仅过了半天的时间，送回家的却是一具冰冷的尸体。她撕心裂肺地哭喊起来，乡亲们也陪着抹眼泪--一个活生生的精壮男人，怎么一时半晌就没有了呢？ 奶奶哭得死去活来。邻居们便劝说道，你肚子里还有孩子呢，千万要保重身体。 奶奶这才收敛了眼泪，在乡亲们的帮助下，咬着牙，变卖家具给爷爷办完了丧事。 刚办完丧事，孩子就出生了。这个孩子，就是我爸爸。 爸爸一睁眼来到这个世界上，就成了没有父亲的孩子。 宁萱，为什么我们要在信中讲述这些悲惨的故事呢？为什么要让我们的青春渗透进死亡的气息呢？ 因为我们的身上流淌着长辈们的血液，因为我们的性格里蕴含着他们的基因，因为我们的生命就是他们生命的延伸。 当我回顾他们的悲惨命运时，不禁要问：生活在这片土地上的人们，为什么要承担如此巨大的苦难？为什么他们享有的幸福这样少？ 这也让我回过头来思考一个一直在折磨我的老问题：我为什么写作？我写作的内在动力是什么？ 我的爷爷，在艰辛的劳动中苦苦挣扎的爷爷，死去了；你的爷爷，在与蝴蝶翅膀的拥抱中微笑的爷爷，也死去了。他们的肉体湮没了，他们的名字也不为人所知。 我要讲述他们的故事，最真实、最平凡的故事。我要讲述在他们在尘世逆旅中爆发出来的生命的尊严，我要讲述他们在黑暗的死亡面前最后一次绝望的挣扎。他们，每一个不会载入史册的人；他们，每一个随风而逝的灵魂。 Grandpas failed, they did not get a rich, free and happy life; grandpas won, they shared the ups and downs of fate and the waste of time, their lives ended at that moment, but their lives were in our lives shine. 他们在我的背后，他们才是我写作的支撑和源泉。我为他们而写作，也为我自己而写作。 亲爱的宁萱，天上有一双眼睛在看着我们。 有朝一日，我们必与他们相聚，笑谈人世的风雨，分享丰盛的生命。 有朝一日，我们将不再有惧怕、疾病、苦痛和死亡。 爱你的廷生 一九九九年十二月二十五日