Chapter 25 Chapter Twenty-Five

You did not come to Paris, and I just confided in you as an imaginary lover. It's the same with or without you by my side, not to mention you said that seeing each other would increase the pain.When you said this, there was an overly civilized sadness on your face, and I was already baffled by the word "pain", probably it is only different from the word "happiness" when written on paper. Sometimes I think that you, me, and this world don't exist at all, and that all past and future are illusions.I searched for exotic places everywhere but there were shadows of Chinese people and the past everywhere.I can't get out of a huge shadow.While watching Verdi's "Giselle" I heard my dead companions roaring from the graveyard, and our venerable captain drove the slender actresses across the stage and galloped.So I quietly came out, turned up my collar, and walked into the dark and dense drizzle.

The drizzle fell on my face.I understand that I have been transformed into a suffering person and now I am asked to enjoy myself, which is worse than suffering. Yesterday, in the study of a sinologist, I saw for the first time the "Complete Book of Jokes" printed by China's state-level publishing house specially for Mao Zedong.The Sinologist's blue eyes are as lovely as the sleeves of a thread-bound book.He told me how hard he had gotten this set of books and how many dollars he had spent.In order for Mao Zedong and his elders to read without difficulty, the entire set of books is printed in imitation Song style characters the size of a thumb.Sitting on the beige sofa, the sinologist fondly stroked the cover of "Complete Jokes", like stroking his beloved dog.I sat across from him and looked at him and the book in his hand.I know that the things written in that set of books are far less elegant than the pictures in "PLAYBOY" and "PENTHOUSE".Thinking that the little girl and I accompanied the killing field, the old man was probably reading "Complete Jokes", I immediately said sorry and ran to the bathroom.

I vomited a lot of whiskey down the toilet.I'm wondering why I'm jet lagged today after being in Europe for several months. It was only when I was dying that I realized that when I reached the highest level of life, I would treat everything in the world as a joke.Unfortunately, I realized it too late. I don't speak English, I don't speak French, I lose my language in conversations with all foreigners.But when talking with Chinese people, I found that we didn't understand each other's words. I can only keep all the words for myself to say to myself. It reminds me of what you said about mainland writers, no matter which generation of old, middle-aged and young people wrote their works, they all contain violence, implicitly or explicitly, and lack the peace and tranquility of overseas Chinese scholars.That's what you said on the boardwalk by the sea in Atlantis.

You must remember that the heels of your high heels get stuck in the cracks in the sidewalk boards, and every now and then I have to bend down to pull your shoes off. I blame you for knowing that we are coming to Atlantis, why you still wear ghost high heels instead of flat or wedge heels.You said you would wear shoes to match your mink coat, and admired the way I pulled your shoes.I'm no longer a wolf when I bend down to pull your shoes off. hell!You probably only want me to be a wolf in bed and not the rest of the time. Once you showed me an elderly couple sitting on a wooden chair by the sea.You said they were smiling at us when I was pulling your shoes off. They must have thought we were a middle-aged couple with a sense of humor.

Honestly, when I put my arms around you in the mink coat I thought I was just holding a furry beast.You say that I am no longer a wolf but a gentleman, but I still can't slip into elegant and luxurious wrapping robes like a gentleman.I want to drag you into the forest, run away from everyone, then strip you naked and scream at the sky.Later we left the city of Atlantis and I will see you sort the boxes.I noticed that you carried many pairs of shoes with both flat and wedge heels.You insist on wearing high heels just so that I can pull your shoes off for you and let tourists see us. The droplets splashed by the waves already carried the coolness of late autumn, the undulating waves beat against the embankment, and the seabirds flew past us and uttered desolate calls.We stopped by a statue of Kennedy.With his back to the Atlantic Ocean, he gazed west towards his country and his lover Marilyn Monroe.Let me tell you that when the news of his death came, there was a celebration in the labor camp. The cadres who disciplined us said that after the death of the leader of US imperialism, imperialism would plummet.You didn't say anything and just smiled.

I see history falling in your smile. I grabbed a handful of wind with a wave of my hand, and I smelled the smell of loess from the wind.The day before, you were lying on the sofa and reading an American newspaper to me, saying that there was another drought in my yellow land.I silently counted the days without rain before I left it.But then you handed me a glass of whiskey on the rocks and I took a swig and didn't know where I was.Later I returned to my yellow land.The scenery there is old because no one looks at it, and the trees are withered because too many people cut it down.I fell silent.I look at the same silent mountains as I catch a wind, it burns my palm, but it still smells of your mink coat.

In the evening, I drink half a bottle of Baigan by myself, and I also don't know where I am at this moment.So next to the Kennedy statue, you asked me where I would face if you gave me a statue after I died. I knew in my heart that you wanted me to say that I was facing you, but I said that I don’t care about facing any direction, because the earth is inherently round. There are few tourists in the city of Atlantis in late autumn, and we have a vast space.We leaned side by side on the railing, with the wind blowing from the north.Your long hair hurt my face, and that's when I realized you were by my side.

You are like a silk doll made in Japan. Although you are cute, your facial expression is extremely dull.I know your soul has flown out of your body.I turned my eyes to the sea, only to see the sea reflected in the blue sky.The autumn sea is too thin to carry a ship.I also deeply feel that even with me by your side and with you by my side we still have our own loneliness.I can't help but say to myself: A sea without ships is lonely.The sea with ships is also lonely.