Chapter 23 Chapter Twenty-Three

I told you this story without smoking a cigarette, but now that I have written such a large amount of words, you must think that what I wrote is not as vivid as what I said.Yes, I feel the same way.Because as soon as I picked up the pen to write this passage, the words were crooked, and I wrote "0" in the grid where "one" should be written, and I often put the punctuation in the wrong position.Please don't think I'm imitating some ghost Joyce or Faulkner, deliberately writing long sentences that ghosts can't read.Indeed, I am becoming less and less able to write novels. I often regard facts as fantasies and fantasies as facts.

"It's over!" My heart trembled as I wrote it. Now I realize that I have never experienced those things at all, and maybe I have put the events of my previous life on my account in this life.This is a symptom of another nervous breakdown in me, and it is very likely that I will have to be shot again to cure it.So I don't blame you for not coming to Paris.I can take our acquaintance in New York as an event in my previous life. I walked to Notre Dame Cathedral in the drizzle that day, and Natalie and I usually meet in the square here.But I didn't make an appointment with her today, I want to see this gray building alone.This building always reminds me of the Public Security Bureau of City Y.On the Notre Dame Square, I met a group of colorful American tourists.I think the only people who come out to play in this weather are Americans and Chinese.Americans want to vent their excess energy, and the Chinese want to relieve our excessive depression.They greeted me with a smile and I smiled and nodded to them.I opened the heavy door and walked heavily into the hall.I saw the Virgin holding the Son soaring above my head.

I dropped ten francs and picked a candle that hadn't been broken by a tourist.The candle is white and slender, as if you were naked.In a shadowy and quiet candlelight I will light my wax.I thought who should I pray for at this time so I thought.I think you or her or her or her... are all from a previous life.I stared at the Virgin and suddenly thought of the little girl who went to the execution ground with me.I died in her name and she died in my name.I still don't know whether we were both spared because we got our names wrong or if the soldiers were just trying to "joke" with us.If there is any love left in me, I should love her.She is also nearly thirty years old now, maybe only if we make love together can we prove to each other that life is still attached to our respective bodies.But I immediately laughed, it turned out that I remembered wrong again, I actually dragged the things from my previous life into this life.People with too strong memory will be buried by the past. Too strong memory is the main symptom of neurosis.I think about it. In this life, I have never had a woman and only one child.Last year when I was criticized again, my silly six year old sons locked themselves in the room and beat and kicked them.He said that he wanted to learn from "Huo Yuanjia", "Dad, whoever bullies you, tell me and I will beat him!" I smiled at the time, thinking that as long as I don't drag you to the killing field, all the sins in this world will be wiped out. forgivable.I put a candle like you in front of the Virgin.I took a few steps back and saw that the wax had completely merged into the candlelight. I couldn't tell which one was you and which one was her or her... At this moment, I saw the little girl's eyes, which were so cold through the eyes. The snowy candlelight stares at me.But I still vaguely remember that you were lying next to me, and you put on the silk nightgown again, which made me feel that the experience I just told was a complete lie.You held the coffee cup in one hand and rubbed my chest with the other.Your face has the sadness of over-civilization again.You flicked my hair and kissed the bloody hole on the top of my head. You kissed me so much that I screamed.You ask me, "Does it still hurt?" I say yes, but I don't mean the head but the heart.So you say that I now have the right to enjoy and the right to fall, but I can only be called great if I don't exercise this right.

What you said made me think a lot.As I lay dying, I watched the hollyhocks bloom through the window.I know I'm going to die this time because the flowers in front of me have changed.But I still want to see that bouquet of pink flowers.I long for that way of dying as much as I long for sex with you again.In the last bit of sexual impulse, I repeatedly wondered whether I have degenerated and enjoyed myself in this life, whether I can be called great.But before I could come up with the answer, the earth exploded. When I was out of my mind, I looked back and realized that I didn't need to think about those problems at all.