Chapter 4 Chapter Four

San Francisco is still like that.The internationalization of the airport makes it unclear which country you have arrived at.There are green potted plants everywhere.There is a glint of glass on the orange wall.Behind the glass is a dull gray sky.A plane goes in search of sunlight.We are also looking for each other, in the crowd as in the green jungle.I see your face, floating toward me through the gum trees and buttercups.I smiled back at you and pressed my face to your cold cheeks.Don't be afraid that b is another piece of land.I held the hand in my memory, still so small and round.Everything about you is round.The strange thing is that the ups and downs of life have not knocked you out of the corners.Although your letter said that you have lost a lot of weight, the you in front of me are still the old you.Holding your letter, your words are as delicate and smooth as your hands, your face, and your waist, rolling towards my eyes like round bowling balls.I had tremblingly hoped that it would knock down my doubts.But in the end I don't know what it knocked me out of.Maybe I have no doubts and no hopes at all and nothing to get knocked down.Then again I am amazed at my composure and my emptiness.Strongness is not an indestructible entity, but an emptiness in which there is nothing.

Of course, I don't mean to stare eagerly into your eyes.Can I find a homeland from there, or a screen on which any film can be shown? When we parted in Beijing, at that moment, you turned around resolutely.The bewildered sun that has lost its horizon shines on your plump and lonely back.There's a raucous blond ringing in my ears, and it dries out my skin, my mouth, and tongue.I was hoping in the rear window that you would turn your face and show a little lingering.But no, I can't see your face anymore, I can't see your eyes anymore. This is how I collect the backs of women one by one in my memory.

It wasn't until the car stopped in front of a red light and looked at the irritated faces crowded on the zebra crossing that I realized that you took me, together with the indifferent city that didn't give you and your child a house, resolutely Decisively put it aside. With melancholy, I admire your courage to be desperate.