Chapter 15 Chapter nine

The east wind is weak and the flowers are remnant ——Li Shangyin On the morning of September 30, 1968, the armed company held a meeting to criticize "class enemies".Early in the morning, soldiers of the military reclamation were busy painting slogans on all the walls where the soil was peeling off. Next to the back window of the vegetable cellar, a white slogan with thick ink was facing us-"When the people are happy, they are counter-revolutionaries." Hard times!" Representatives of the military control committee of the regiment headquarters attended the meeting.This is a middle-aged soldier with a fair face and a gentle appearance. I have met him when I was in the division headquarters.When we were escorted into the venue, in a moment of panic, I vaguely saw him cast a gentle look at me.

The criticism meeting went on normally, as she said, with military representatives present, they would not do anything to us.However, just as they were pressing my head and giving us the regular puff, I suddenly felt many extremely sharp steel needles pricking my scalp.Dr. Li probably also tasted this kind of taste, he cried out in pain and fell to the ground. "Look, army representative," the army soldier who was escorting Dr. Li complained aggrievedly, "I can't help it! These people just play dead dogs like this, and they didn't move him..." "What's the matter? Li Fangwu." The military representative knocked on the table, "I have already said hello: we want to fight with words, not with violence. The masses didn't beat you, so it's not good for you. Mass movement, can you criticize a Is it okay to criticize you? Is it going to be called?..."

Below, his speech was replaced by a manic chants.I lowered my head as much as I could, peeping to both sides, and found that the military reclamation soldiers detaining us were all wearing white line gloves for labor insurance. When the criticism came to an end, the military representative asked Wang Fuhai to take us back to the cell, and the revolutionary masses continued to carry out the agenda that we could not listen to.After the prison door was locked, Lao Qin first cried out angrily: "Did you see it? Did you see it?" He held up a shiny object, "This is what they hide in their glove—a thumbtack, this is what fell out of their glove..."

"Mom!" Xiao Shunzi scolded, "Go to the military representative and sue those sons of bitches!" "Hmph! I won't tell you! I'll keep this as a souvenir." He sneered, and put the thumbtack back into his pocket, "To be honest, the military representative also turned a blind eye; he just knew What about a small military representative?" He pulled the towel off the wire and covered his head, walked around, and sat down on my bunk, "From the criticism just now, the matter of that letter They haven't found out yet, and it's possible that the girl surnamed Joe really thought you wrote a letter to your aunt and didn't pay attention. You have to remember that you can't tell the letter under any circumstances. To be honest, you are the most naive here. , the most bookish..."

In the afternoon, Wang Fuhai kicked into the cell with a gun, saying that the military representatives wanted to talk to the dictatorship targets individually, and I was the first to call. The army representative sat behind his desk surrounded by several company leaders.Holding the teacup in his hand, he gently flicked the tea leaves on the water surface with the lid: "How is it? Shi Zai." With a disappointed expression, he asked in a regretful tone, "I heard that you didn't behave so well during the transformation period." OK!" I sit across from him.I felt a sense of expectation and warmth in his tone.I have never heard such words since I came here; such words, coming from such an authoritative figure, brought tears to my eyes.

"Hey, look," he flipped through a stack of papers on the table, "you still asked the squad leader who led you to take a break, and you also used the excuse that Chairman Mao said that people should combine work and rest. Now, there are people out there who have problems. Learn from Chairman Mao’s works, but use them for me, and engage in pragmatism. I didn’t expect you to do it here, but you do it, the nature is different..." There was a sudden buzzing in my ears. I didn't listen to the following words, but looked at him in horror like a deer in the forest hearing the abnormal noise.This is obviously a request I made to her casually, how could it be spread here and become a serious political issue?So, the other things between me and her, could it be...

"Don't think you're smart," Liu Jun said, "We know your situation. Did you confess it yourself? Or do you have to let us prepare materials for you?..." "Don't be in a hurry," the military representative raised his hand and said in a lecturing tone, "Give him an understanding process. Shi Zai, do you know why you were called to the study class?" He took a sip of tea, "Are you People who published articles in newspapers in 1957 are influential people. We are talking about policy, and you have taken off your rightist hat early. Yes, but you are always a bourgeois intellectual. It is seventeen years old. People who were cultivated by the old school, right? You have to admit it. I asked you to come to the study class to care for you, but how have you reformed yourself? Hmm?" He pointed at the stack of papers Knocked and looked at me sternly.

"Bourgeois intellectuals"!This suddenly illuminated my gloomy heart like a bright light. How could I have not thought of this concept in the past, just entangled in political identity?I could not help but glance at him with heartfelt reverence.My intellectual air of advocating rational logical reasoning rather than perceptual actual experience was satisfied.In this moment when I came here for more than three months, I realized: my resentment, suspicion, pain, and my illegal behaviors such as using her to send letters privately can all be explained from this concept. Lying is the root of depravity, and people like Liu Jun's physical and mental destruction to us, as a kind of class hatred, can also be forgiven.At this time, deep self-blame replaced grievance and resentment. I really thought that I had not reformed well, so I bowed my head in shame.

"Who is this squad leader?" Seeing that I was in an ideological struggle, the military representative turned his head and asked Liu Jun. "A female warrior," Liu Jun said with a bow, "very brave, with a high awareness of the route, and she has made second-class meritorious service." He turned to me again, and slapped the white paper. "You have a lot of things, and it's all about this. It's not that you don't know the party's policies. You are lenient when you confess, and strict when you resist..." It's over!His expression and tone proved that I had really fallen into a trap.My nerves convulsed, and I was no longer able to conduct reasonable analysis, reasoning, and judgment; the care, comfort, and caress she gave me, and the blazing flames ignited by the fusion of our burning passion last night, were all like a puff of blue smoke It seems to have drifted away.I was like a hare driven deep into a burrow, panting wearily and hopelessly.

"What bad things did you do? If you say it, it means that you have understood it," said the military representative. "People are not afraid of making mistakes. If they make mistakes, they can correct them. They are still good comrades..." Ah, this moment in the history of my life, which I would never want to look back on, and thinking about it now makes me sick and suffocate.I wasn't beaten, and I think if I had been hit, maybe it wouldn't have had the effect.And this result is not accidental, but the inevitability of my thinking and psychological state.All the concepts they used in the interrogation were exactly the same as my own beliefs that I had embraced for many years.This kind of over-left concept was formed after the Anti-Rightist Movement in 1957.This kind of concept will inflate the ego of some people and shrink the ego of others. Although there are also people with impeccable character in the latter group, their spiritual realm is always humble and low, because They admit the expansion of the former, and they also admit their own powerlessness; they are content with their humble status, are willing to accept it, and are willing to give up their independent thinking.Unfortunately, I am the latter kind of person.Now, the former has swelled to such a huge size, and it is pressing on top of my head with tangible force. The indignation after being deceived, the pious remorse for faith, and the complete despair of love... in my heart that has been distorted and distorted by terror and pain, they finally forced me to squeeze toothpaste bit by bit. She confessed that she sent me letters for me, brought me food, and told me to run away tonight.It's just that in order not to involve other people, I said the letter was for my aunt, and I drew out the line of her feelings for me.

"Nonsense!" Liu Jun slapped the table and interrupted me. "You framed a good man! Wow you..." He cursed a series of obscenities angrily, ignoring the military representative beside him, and finally waved to Wang Fuhai: "Go down! Go down first! We'll settle his account later... " "Alas, alas," the military representative shook his head, "As Chairman Mao said: Representatives of various exploiting classes, when they are in a disadvantageous situation, often adopt a strategy of attacking and defending..." To my surprise, no one else was interrogated after I was escorted back to the cell, and the whole afternoon passed without incident.Dr. Li, Lao Qin, Xiao Shunzi... looked at me suspiciously from time to time.I was lying alone on the plank, I didn't enjoy the ease and happiness after confessing, my heart was not purified by confession: I began to understand that they didn't know these things between her and me, and suddenly a new What’s more, the discovery of my conscience, which cannot be suppressed by any rational explanation, made me even more painful and disturbed.At this point, I can only hope that they really think I'm framing her and playing an offensive game; I'm willing to take any responsibility for doing so. However, it was too late. Until late at night, I was still tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep, and always felt that something was going to happen at this time.really-- "Oh! . . . I won't do it! . . . " She let out a shrill hiss through the window in the dead of night.My heart suddenly pulled up.However, soon, her voice was muffled by something soft again. Trembling, I lay down beside the broken glass and looked out.The moonlight was like water, and the window opening of Wang Fuhai's vegetable cellar also turned off the light abnormally. I suspected that it was just a hallucination produced by a nervous mood, but the light in the back window opening was on again.Moreover, there were sounds of people moving in the vegetable cellar, the sound of opening the door, bursts of muffled cries and low voices, the cries belonged to her; the voices belonged to men, and more than one, and After a while, the door slammed as if someone had slammed it hard, and then, there was a sound of chaotic footsteps running farther and farther away, and finally disappeared in the melting moonlight. I guessed what happened in the vegetable cellar.I gritted my teeth and grasped the steel bars tightly with both hands.The slogan on the white paper and thick ink beside the back window of the vegetable cellar glows cold and pale like a banner under the moon; the glass is sprayed with red "loyalty", yellow sunflowers, and the radiant sun. Their shadows formed a group of odd-shaped patterns and cast on my face. I only felt that there was a force that could freeze people's righteous impulse and resistance and freeze me, numb my whole body, and make me unable to cry out. .I sank into an abyss of anger and fear. I don’t remember how I got here in the next few days. I only remember that from November to October 3, the armed company carried out the order of the Ministry of National Defense to stop shelling Taiwan, Penghu, Jinma, and Horses during the National Day, and did not fight us.Moreover, she, Wang Fuhai, and Liu Jun all disappeared, and another young man was sent to see us. On October 4th, the Armed Company held a one-day meeting, and we were escorted to work in the stables far away from the meeting place.Late at night, when I was about to fall asleep in a daze, I was woken up by a branch. "Brother, look!" Her voice was low as a sigh.The pale face disappeared in a flash outside the glass gap. I quickly lay down on the gap.Outside the window, the moonlight has dimmed.In the deep night, I hoped to see that pale and beautiful face, but I only saw a fleeting black shadow and a few small and hasty footsteps. My quilt has a letter folded in a triangle. Her handwriting is like a child's handwriting, but it is written neatly, stroke by stroke.The handwriting blurred by tears was carefully traced out with a pencil. The letter reads as follows: my dearest bro: That night I went to steal the keys, but I didn’t expect the dog company commander to follow me. He took me in the vegetable field. Now I’m dirty, so I don’t want to admire you anymore. The dog company commander called many people to watch over me these two days Me, tell me to marry Wang Fuhai, brother, I have already thought about it, it is Da Shuihang you saved the woman of the dog company commander, I pretended to agree, they didn’t look at me today, so I wrote you this letter , Company Commander Dog said you sued me. I don’t believe it. You sued me. I don’t want you. Good man, I can see that you saved the dog company commander woman. Now it is the good man who is angry, and the bad man is proud. For you, I have thought about everything I have never thought of. For them to believe me, I mean you have to rest. They may force a confession like this You came, I forgot to tell you, you were fooled, I don't want you, brother.I'm sorry for leaving you alone in this world. You have to live a good life. You have to have ideas in life. You have to be with good people. I want to be clean and wait for you. I can't do it now. I will call you at the end Brother, you haven't called me yet, you can call me sister, don't forget me in the future. younger sister What have I done!What have I done!What have I done! ! ! ... I bit the corner of the pillow, held my breath, and let the tears flow like spring water.I read the letter over and over again, so that even in the last moment of my life, I can remember every word, every infallible typo, and every grammatical punctuation.Then, I silently kneaded it into a ball and chewed it in my mouth.I squeezed out the bitter tears she dripped on it and the bitter snort that sprayed on it with my teeth, and swallowed them into my stomach along with my tears and sighs. At this time, I realized how much I love her! The simplicity and innocence of her talent enabled her to maintain a shining soul in that chaotic age; she was like an unpolluted land on which flowers were still blooming brilliantly.However, the reasonable actions she took under the impetus of love turned into unexplainable behaviors in the abnormal social state; her naive and naive assumptions turned into questionable intentions in the face of ruthless reality.She fell in love with me with her girlish heart full of strong earthy flavor and her pure intuition, but my distorted heart failed her greatly and soaked her passionate love in In the icy waters of my egoism.Suddenly, her suicide and her mother's death were linked at once.In an instant, life and death, cold and heat, hope and despair, tenderness and fear all converged together, my blood suddenly overflowed, the long-suppressed resentment and youthful love, like a snow mountain suddenly avalanche, like a hurricane , to the point of breaking my heart into pieces... No!I'm going to get up, I'm going to save her, I'm going to break open the cell door and scream! ...But, I was shaking like I had a high fever.But at this moment, her bright, moon-like face appeared outside the glass gap, and her every frown, smile, anger and joy were clearly visible.I fell into a beautiful hallucination.I just felt like I was floating up from the planks, through the glass gap, and out like a puff of smoke.Outside, she held my hand, and the two of us flew through the black mist together, to a place where the sky was blue, the trees were full of flowers, and the grass was full of grass...