Chapter 4 stroke-1

April 22, 2004 Father had a stroke in the middle of the night, while he was asleep.When he had a stroke, he had no obvious symptoms, and he fell asleep on his side with his cheek resting on his hand as usual.Just didn't wake up as early as usual the next morning.When it was past nine o'clock, she was still in a coma, and the family members felt that something was wrong.Mother stepped forward and called him softly, but he didn't wake up, and shook him gently, but he still didn't wake up.The family suddenly panicked.Coincidentally, two doctors came at this time. The two doctors were friends of my younger brother. My younger brother asked them to come to the house to treat my mother's arthritis.Recently, my mother suffered from arthritis and was so sore and sore that she couldn't stand, or she couldn't stand for a long time.At this time, I couldn't care about my mother's arthritis, so I hurried to rescue my father.The two doctors observed and discussed for a while, and the initial diagnosis was stroke.The younger brother grabbed the phone and called a car to take his father to the hospital.After a series of examinations such as CT and MRI, the doctor diagnosed a stroke.Father had a stroke. He was sixty-six years old this year, but he was not going well at sixty-six. It seemed a little early to fall down at this age.

The three of us, brother and sister, knew the news half a month after my father suffered a stroke.My family felt that we were far away in the United States on the other side of the Pacific Ocean, and life was already very difficult, so they didn't tell us, so as not to cause trouble for us.Once I called my son, and my son accidentally said that grandpa was sick. He knew that he had slipped his tongue and hurriedly said that he had recovered.Under my persuasive and hard questioning, my son revealed bit by bit his condition.So I immediately called the inpatient department of the hospital and found my brother who was guarding the bed. The exhausted brother told me the details.He said that the matter has passed, and his father has stabilized, and he is waiting for treatment slowly. Don't worry, there is no use in rushing.I hurriedly reported the situation to my brothers and sisters in the United States.During those few days, the three of us, the three of us, called home almost every day, hoping for peace across the Pacific Ocean, and we made sure to inform each other about the situation after each phone call.My eldest brother was doing neurosurgery research at the medical school, so he naturally asked extra detailed questions in order to diagnose the extent of the stroke.The sister-in-law, who also happens to be a doctor, returned to China to visit her relatives and learned more about her father's condition.In the end, the eldest brother was diagnosed with a mild stroke.We believe in the diagnosis and judgment of the eldest brother. For us brothers and sisters, one sentence is always worth ten thousand sentences.

My father stayed in the hospital for more than a month and finally returned home before New Year's Day.It is always necessary to go home for a reunion during the Chinese New Year, and ordinary patients are no exception, not to mention that this is the first time that my father has stayed in the hospital for such a long time, so it is natural for him to return home.We also relaxed when we heard the news of my father's return. Being able to go home at least means that my father's condition has improved or is improving.According to my brother, my father reacts very slowly now, his eyesight has deteriorated, and his speech is difficult to slur. Apart from these, there are no major sequelae.It's just that I can no longer go downstairs and go out like before. I lie on the bed most of the time, or sleep in a drowsy state, and occasionally watch TV, which lacks the usual prestige and air.According to the elder brother's analysis, the reason for the vision and language barriers was that two blood vessels in the father's brain were congested, which just oppressed the optic nerve and language center.Therefore, my father now hangs a bottle of drip at home every day to clean the congested part of the brain blood vessels so that the blood flow can be unimpeded.

On Christmas Day, all our family members in the United States were reunited at my eldest brother's house for the holiday.This is the first Christmas reunion in several years.When we first came to the United States, we didn’t pay much attention to Christmas, because it was an American holiday. As Chinese, we couldn’t participate in it, and we seemed unwilling to participate in it. We still regarded the Spring Festival as authentic.But Americans also ignore your Spring Festival, unless it is a weekend, and the Spring Festival is not a holiday, so every Spring Festival, the family members either go to school or work part-time, and they can’t always get together.After so many years, it is natural to go to the countryside and agree with Christmas, but the way of celebrating is different. The form is a foreign festival, but the content is Chinese.This day, my sister-in-law cooked a table of dishes and opened a bottle of "Wuliangye". We chatted while eating and drinking. The topic of this chat was naturally my father's stroke. We chatted and analyzed why my father had a stroke.

Father's body is quite tough and has always been very good.But he has been smoking and drinking since he was in his thirties, and he is very serious, smoking an average of one and a half packs a day. During the "Cultural Revolution", there were no good cigarettes for sale in Fuzhou City. At that time, my father was the chief of the supply and marketing section, and he often went to Shanghai on business trips. The "Narcissus" and "Sea Wall" secondary cigarettes are smoked in rotation.My father not only likes to smoke, but also likes to drink. He drinks a cup almost every day. He never drinks low-alcohol alcohol such as "Sweet Potato Burn" and "Fujian Old Wine", but drinks white dry wine with more than 60 degrees, like What are "Erguotou", "Yanghe Daqu", "Danfeng Sorghum", "Lidu Sorghum".In the first year I joined the team in the countryside, the team received a bonus of 28 yuan.When I got home, I bought two bottles of "Lidu Gaoliang" for my father. This was a filial piety, and my father was very happy about it, and he talked about it for several years.My father drinks a lot, and he has a good taste for wine. He will do what he says, and he will drink it in one gulp. He never haggles in a muddy manner, and he will not use water instead of wine to do some childish tricks.After drinking a few more glasses, he said: "Look at the party style from the style of wine" when he persuaded people to drink again.Can people not drink?In those few years, my father became the secretary of the branch of the department, and the leaders of those committees, no matter how much they drank, all had a good drinking style.At every gathering, several slogans about the relationship between party style and wine style will always be derived and evolved on the wine table, such as "only when the party style is right, can the wine style be good", "correct the party style, and drive the wine style" etc.Once a colleague made a slip of the tongue after drinking: "Alcohol... the wind of wine drives the wind of the party".My father woke up suddenly, put down his wine glass, and scolded: "Nonsense!" From then on, it was stipulated that no one was allowed to say anything about the relationship between the party style and the wine style at the wine table.My father joined the party in the early 1950s and has always been loyal to the party. He is a member of the Communist Party composed of special materials.But no matter how special he was, he couldn't withstand the long-term erosion of tobacco and alcohol. Before he was fifty, he had high blood pressure, but he still smoked and drank.Until the Spring Festival of that year, he suddenly suffered from angina.Fortunately, I was at home that day, so I hurriedly asked someone to ask for a few tablets of nitroglycerin, and asked my father to put it under his tongue, so that the escape was relieved.After that, my father quit smoking and drinking less, and began to practice Eighteen Brocade Duan Kung Fu again. After more than ten years of practice, tinnitus, leg disease, gastrointestinal discomfort and other minor problems gradually improved, but the side effects of smoking and alcohol still could not be eliminated.Therefore, we agreed that father's stroke had a great relationship with his long-term smoking and drinking.My father is also impatient, and it is easy to be impatient but sloppy, but he is an impatient and serious person, asking about big and small things, meticulous in doing things, and losing his temper when things don't go his way.Some things are actually nothing at all, and they can be explained clearly and settled in a few words, but my father has to think about it left and right, and he has to think carefully and seamlessly before asking you to discuss it calmly and in detail.I feel that my father is very tired from doing things, and he can't relax when he is old. I often persuade him to be sloppy with small things, especially some housework, which can be ignored, so as to save worry.But the father sternly asked: "I don't care who is in charge? Are you in charge of my son?" He is quick-tempered and serious, which makes him feel that everything is important, so his heart is always heavy, and it is difficult to relax, let alone small things. With a big hand wave or a smile.Father's stroke had something to do with his quick temper.

After my father fell ill, I quit smoking.In fact, I don’t smoke a lot, I only smoke a pack of cigarettes in about three days, so I am often scoffed at by fellow smokers: “You call this smoking?” But I have been smoking intermittently for more than 20 years.In the past twenty years, I have quit smoking more than ten times.There are two main factors that prompted me to quit smoking. On the one hand, my parents’ earnest teaching and my wife’s nagging; on the other hand, the doctor’s clear instructions.But shortly after I quit smoking every time, I couldn't help smoking again.This time, without teaching, nagging or instructions, I smoked the last cigarette in the "Marlboro" cigarette box, threw the cigarette box and lighter into the trash can, and consciously bid farewell to cigarettes.At that time, I suddenly felt a sense of vicissitudes, and a strong sense of responsibility emerged from the sense of vicissitudes, as if my father handed the baton into my hands, and I held the baton tightly and ran forward.I not only have to connect the past and the future, but also support the old and the young, so at this important historical juncture, I must not have a little trouble. The lofty sense of mission prompted me to quit smoking completely.My wife was very strange and asked me why I stopped smoking?Isn't it exactly what you mean when I say no smoking?What are you still wondering about?She was even more surprised, and said to herself: "It's true for men, the more you force him to quit smoking, the more he won't quit; you just leave him alone, he quit smoking by himself." She thought for a long time, and seemed to figure out Some philosophical meanings come.That day I asked a friend who is a doctor about stroke. When he answered my question, he said: "Stroke is a genetic disease." A few wisecracks, but I've been thinking about it extremely seriously since I got home.I went back and found out that my father's father, my grandfather, also had a stroke, which gave me a huge sense of foreboding.It was one day in the early 1970s, my grandfather was sleeping on the bed, and a neighbor next door came to him to borrow a big wooden basin to take a bath. When it was pulled hard, something went wrong immediately.Grandfather had a stroke, and he was also sixty-six that year.

I don't know much about my grandfather's past. Most of what I know is what my father and aunt said.It seems that my grandfather came to Shanghai in the 1930s. At that time, he arrived in Shanghai alone. My grandmother and her children still stayed in their hometown in the countryside.My hometown is in a place called Haimen on the north bank where the Yangtze River enters the sea. It takes more than a day to get to Shanghai by rickety boat from Haimen, so the distance between urban and rural areas is not too big, which also attracts old families to come in groups. This ten-mile foreign farm in Shanghai came to pan for gold, and my grandfather went to Shanghai with his distant cousin.My distant cousin was good at calculating. After a few years of training in Shanghai, he joined a foreign firm run by the British.One day, when the owner of a foreign company was drinking afternoon tea, he occasionally mentioned that he wanted to find a housekeeper, and my distant cousin introduced my grandfather to him.Until the army of Chen and Su entered Shanghai, my grandfather had been working as a housekeeper in this foreign firm for more than ten years.

The foreign firm stood on the Bund, overlooking the Huangpu River. This pointed building and several buildings in the neighborhood later became the most famous landmarks in Shanghai.My father has a large travel bag with this landmark printed on the upper right corner.I remember one time my grandfather pointed to the steeple building and said to the three of us: "I used to work here." At that time, we thought it was amazing that my grandfather worked in such a famous place.Later we found out that my grandfather was working as a housekeeper in the house. Although the housekeeper sounded nice, he was actually just managing the life of the owner of the foreign company, pouring tea and cleaning the table, and doing such small things in life. At best, it is a living secretary.

Grandfather is a man of duty, good-looking, diligent in hands and feet, and won the favor of the boss of the foreign firm.There is one thing that made the boss of the foreign firm deeply respect my grandfather.It was one summer, the owner of the foreign firm went back to England on a cruise ship for vacation, probably because he was too excited, he even forgot to lock the big drawer in the middle of the desk, and the key was still hanging in the keyhole of the drawer.The next day, when my grandfather was tidying up the desk, he accidentally opened the drawer. There was a drawer full of pounds, and new ones were tied into pounds.Grandfather was taken aback for a while, but he didn't open his eyes when he saw Qian, let alone have the idea of ​​making a move.He closed the drawer and locked the lock, wrapped the key in a rag, and threw it into a celadon vase that was a person's height in the corner.Three months later, the owner of the foreign firm came back from England. In front of him, his grandfather lifted up a large vase to pour out the rag bag, took out the key and handed it to him.The boss of the foreign firm opened the drawer, and saw that the pound sterling in the drawer hadn't moved.Now it was the turn of the owner of the foreign firm to be stunned for a moment. He marveled at his grandfather's noble character and spiritual beauty, and marveled at his grandfather's extraordinary strength.Grandfather had practiced martial arts in his early years, and it was easy for him to hold a big vase for a country martial arts master.But it was not an easy task for the grandfather to leave the pound in that drawer.During those three months, day and night, did grandfather have any ideological struggles, even "a flash of thought"?With the convenience provided by his identity and the three-month lenient time for committing the crime, even the ant moved home with the drawer of pounds.Why is the grandfather still motionless?

When I heard this incident, it was the stage of great debate during the "Cultural Revolution".At that time, the three of us brothers were all about twelve or thirteen years old, and we all felt very thoughtful. We also launched a big debate on the matter of grandfather, expressing our own views: "The money in this drawer belongs to the imperialists and their lackeys. It’s good to go home as a revolutionary action!” “It’s not good to take it home by yourself, and when the land reform is judged, the landlord must be judged.” “But you can give the money to the underground party in Shanghai. If not, take it back to my hometown in the Liberated Area in Northern Jiangsu , hand it over to the New Fourth Army, buy guns and cannons to fight the devils!" We also cited the highest instruction in the article "Statement of the Spokesperson of the Chinese People's Liberation Army Headquarters on the Atrocities of British Warships" drafted by Chairman Mao himself, and agreed that grandfather should put this The money in the drawer was taken back to the hometown and handed over to the New Fourth Army to combat the arrogance of British imperialism, and let the "rice" flag fall in the raging waves of the Huangpu River.

Grandfather was unwise in this matter at best, but he made a big mistake in another matter.My grandfather had three daughters and one son, and one son was my father.So my grandfather loved my father very much. It wasn't until my mother gave birth to our three brothers in succession, and my grandfather felt relieved when he saw the heavy fireworks that followed.When another incident happened, it was the Spring Festival of 1948 when liberation was approaching. A cousin of my grandfather, with a small pistol on his waist, was riding a big bay red horse, and he was carrying four lapel guns on his waist, also riding a big horse. The guards came back to their hometown majestically.He disappeared suddenly ten years ago, and when he came back ten years later, he was already the commander of Chen and Su's army.This incident caused a sensation in my hometown, and those returning home groups who were usually domineering were frightened and hid in other places.He has always remembered my grandfather's care for him in the past, so he came to my house to visit my grandfather who returned home from Shanghai for the New Year. When he saw that my father was already a tall and handsome young man, he told my grandparents to let him take care of my father. Take him to the army as a soldier, and put him beside him as a guard.My grandfather and grandmother discussed urgently all night, but the next day they still declined my cousin's suggestion, and after the new year, my grandfather took my father to Shanghai and sent him to a small glass factory as an apprentice.When my father retired, he still moved around in the departmental position, and he never made a name for himself.Forty years later, my father told me about it one night after drinking. Obviously, this incident still had an impact on my father.I thought that if my father joined the army back then, even if he participated in the revolution before liberation, he would not only enjoy retirement benefits, but if the revolution went smoothly, he could be the head of a division, and if he transferred to a local area, he could also sit in a bureau-level position.Later, when my elder brother was fifteen years old, my father sent him to the military melting pot for training through his connections, and became a soldier.Sure enough, when he left the country to study in the United States, he was already a full-time attending physician.My grandfather refused to let my father join the army. One reason was that he was worried about the danger of bullets;So it is completely different from my father who resolutely sent my elder brother to serve as a soldier. My elder brother served as a peaceful soldier, which was not dangerous. Moreover, serving as a soldier during the "Cultural Revolution" was a dream and the best choice for employment.So as a father, I can understand my grandfather's decision.Of course, I realized this after I became a father. My grandfather didn't seem to have thought that my father would leave him in the end. It was in the early 1960s that the glass factory where my father worked decided to move to Fuzhou to support the construction of the front line.My father was a trade union cadre in the factory. He not only took the lead in responding, but also went door to door to mobilize everyone to support the front-line construction. Some workers still say that they were cheated by their father back then.My father moved the family to Fuzhou, and the house was vacant, which added loneliness and concern to the grandparents who have entered their old age.A few years later, my grandmother died of illness, and my grandfather lived with my aunt's family again.During this period, my father brought my grandfather to live in Fuzhou twice, and we got along day and night, and we established a deep relationship with him.But this kind of family affection can't eliminate the loneliness of my grandfather. My grandfather once wanted to continue his life. When he first expressed his intentions to my father carefully, my father firmly opposed him.More than 20 years later, my father once said to me with emotion: "It was normal for your grandfather to have such thoughts back then, but I was very feudal at that time." When my grandfather came to Fuzhou for the second time, he always wanted to see his grandson. , but as the eldest grandson, my eldest brother was working as a health worker in the army at that time, so he couldn't come home.He never saw his eldest grandson until his grandfather died, which was a regret that could never be remedied for him. My grandfather died at the end of the "Cultural Revolution", when he was seventy years old.Grandfather hanged himself, why did he commit suicide?Why did he choose to hang himself to end his life?It remains a mystery to me to this day.I remember that one afternoon in the winter of that year, I was taking the "Agricultural Basics" class in school. Because we were facing "high school graduation" and everyone was going to "go to the mountains and go to the countryside", the school dug up the playground and changed it into a rice field. Learning "agricultural basic" work, everyone is holding trousers, standing on the ridge of the field, listening to the teacher how to transplant rice seedlings, and then preparing to go to the field to learn how to transplant rice seedlings.At this moment, I saw my father come to the school to look for me on a bicycle and told me the news of my grandfather's death. He asked me to go back with him and take the train to Shanghai to attend the funeral that night.I sat on the back of my father's bicycle, thinking about my grandfather all the way.I thought of my grandfather's two very long ears, which are a sign of longevity. How could he pass away when he was just seventy years old?On the train to Shanghai, I looked at the electric poles passing by outside the window, and remembered what my uncle in Shanghai said to us: "Time plus distance is equal to zero." At that time, I felt that my uncle who was an engineer in the Housing Management Bureau Philosopher, this sentence he said is simply a wise saying, explaining the relationship between time, distance and family affection in a pinch.Indeed, even blood relatives cannot withstand the isolation of distance and the wear and tear of time. The image of my grandfather is becoming more and more blurred in my mind, which is caused by time and distance.When I followed my father to the small room No. 6 on the fourth floor of the Shanghai Hebin Building, and saw the real face of my grandfather covered in white cloth, I felt a very specific death. My heart was filled with sorrow, and my tears rolled down .After the funeral, my father told me that my grandfather had hanged himself. I was shocked.My father was very taboo about my grandfather committing suicide by hanging himself, and told me not to tell anyone when I returned to Fuzhou.My grandfather was a commoner, a retired worker from the housing management bureau, he had never joined the party, nor was he a cadre, so there was nothing wrong with him, and it was impossible to cut himself off from the people and the party.However, even if you don't go online, at least you don't love life or society.In short, in that era (including now), hanging suicide is definitely not a glorious thing.When I returned to Shanghai ten years later, I once walked into small room No. 6 at noon.This is a typical small room, which can only accommodate a bed and a table, and there is only room to close the door and turn around. The room is dark, and the lights must be turned on even during the day.I closed the door, turned off the light, and tried to find my grandfather in the dark.I saw how my grandfather after the stroke spent every day like night in bed. I saw him standing against the wall, calmly passing the rope through the horizontal bar of the attic, carefully knotting the rope buckle, and carefully checking the tightness of the hanging rope. Taking the strain, he slipped the noose around his neck.I imagined what my grandfather was thinking at this time, did he think of his only son and three grandchildren in the far south?Did this kind of blood relationship make him waver, hesitate and remember?Even the slightest wavering, hesitation and memory?It seems not, distance and time have worn away this blood-linked relationship, and grandfather has felt deeply lonely and helpless.I saw my grandfather walking towards death in such a peaceful way, not taking death seriously at all, and I immediately felt that he was very tall and majestic. All my previous thoughts on life and death were not worth mentioning.I opened the door and walked to the balcony in the corridor, looking at the International Hotel and Yongan Building shining in the sunlight in the distance.I stood there for a long time. When I go shopping at "STOP & SHOP", I always stand on the free scales beside the aisle to see if my weight has increased or decreased.Recently, my weight has increased to 235 pounds. Although it is a gross weight, it is still terrible. My family and friends condemned me one after another, and I feel sorry for everyone.Fortunately, I am 1.8 meters tall, and I don't look too fat if I share the meat.And in the United States, compared with those fat people everywhere, I look well-proportioned and harmonious.Moreover, my size and physique amazed some American friends and won a lot of glory for the Chinese, so I didn't deliberately lose weight.I have a very, very good appetite, and I am too lazy to exercise, and I quit smoking again, so my weight has steadily increased all the way.It wasn't until I was found out that I had high blood pressure and high blood fat that I became vigilant, so I decided to lose weight. If you want to lose weight, you must first control your diet. For me, this is really an extremely painful thing.I have a good appetite and I am not picky about food. One pot of rice a day can settle me down.I have a serious "rice mood". I have eaten all kinds of Chinese and foreign delicacies and came to a conclusion that the best food in the world is rice and braised pork, especially the rice and braised pork cooked by my mother Meat, that is a meal that I will never forget, and after eating it, I can spread my wings and fly into the sky.After I arrived in the United States, I still ate rice. I felt uncomfortable if I didn’t eat rice for one meal, I felt uncomfortable if I didn’t eat rice for two meals, and I couldn’t live without rice for three meals.For so many years in the United States, I have never had a day without rice.Even if I can only eat Western food when I go out, the waiter asked me which companion food to order, and I blurted out Rice (rice), and ordered a little more Rice.I usually cook rice by myself at home, and once I cook a big pot, I can eat two or three meals.When you want to eat, boil the water and cook it in the electric stove to make rice.Served with stir-fried edamame, pickled vegetables, fried salted octopus mustard and fermented bean curd, you can never get tired of eating it.And I also like the simple form of boiled rice.I'm working in a company now. At noon, I got together with a few colleagues from Shanghai to have a big meal, and we ate heartily.He also made up a lot of jingles: "Paofan Paofan is a noble food in China; if you love China, you must eat paofan." "Workers eat paofan, and the leaders have great power; The missiles are blocked by hand; the leader eats rice, and there is hope for entering Beijing; we eat rice, and save US dollars to buy a building.” The boss is a Chinese-American scientist from Taiwan, who has been Americanized in every way, and seeing us eat rice is terrible, Shaking his head again and again, he advised us earnestly: "Don't eat rice. Rice is carbohydrates, and it is easy to gain weight if you eat it. And potatoes." The last sentence of the boss was obviously aimed at me. I not only love rice, but also especially rice. I like to eat potatoes, shredded and chopped into pieces. I like to eat them any way.Naturally, the few of us didn't listen to the boss's advice. Instead, we thought he was pitiful. He was pulling lettuce in his mouth all day long. Can a few vegetable leaves support our bodies?Once he fell ill, we persuaded him: "Man is iron and rice is steel. If you don't eat rice, your back will not be hard. If a man's back is not hard, it will be difficult to manage." The boss smiled helplessly and said our words were fallacious. I couldn't resist the temptation of rice, so I failed to lose weight again and again.I still eat two bowls of rice every meal (just try to lighten the rice) and allow myself to fully enjoy the wonderful feeling after the meal.Then drink a lot of tea after meals to wash away the accumulated oil in the stomach.In the morning and evening, I try to move my body more to prevent my body from growing flesh.As for whether I will follow in the footsteps of my parents in the future, I won't think too much about it.When I walked out of the small room No. 6 where my grandfather lived more than ten years ago, I had already begun to treat death with a normal heart.Not only do I know that death is inevitable, but I recognize that death is not far away.It is precisely because of my clear awareness of death that I began to love and enjoy every day at the age of 30.Of course, my enjoyment is most important from the spiritual aspect, from my love for life.When I finished my youth and walked into middle age, middle age made me feel the beauty of life.I couldn’t wait to write a poem to sing about middle age: You say that you are young / I say that you look forward to middle age / middle age is a sign of maturity / middle age is a symbol of harvest / middle age is a honeymoon of life / middle age is a monument of journey /Middle age is a harmonious symphony/Middle age is a leisurely crane/Middle age is indifferent and quiet/Middle age is wise and foolish/Middle age is not surprised/Middle age is smiling life/When you are middle-aged/You will feel that life is brilliant/When you say goodbye Middle age / You will be proud to have middle age.This poem written like a vernacular is really not very good, but this is my true feeling from the bottom of my heart.I didn't really understand what maturity is until I was middle-aged.In fact, it is very simple. Maturity means that when a person reaches middle age, he knows that his ability and knowledge are limited, and he knows that there are too many things in this world that he cannot do. At this time, you will be less impetuous and calm, and you will be tolerant of many people and many things. You will feel that the ordinary is the truth, you will understand the profound connotation of the saying "peace is blessing", and you will cherish every day and even every moment.This is maturity, and maturity makes people feel the meaning of life.I sometimes think that people's feelings are very important. Happiness and joy, pain and sorrow, actually all depend on people's feelings.After I reached middle age, I became more determined in my understanding of this.Of course, after I reached middle age, I also began to like to look back on the road I have traveled, and like to rise to the abstract level to think about some questions: such as who am I?Where do I come from?Where are my roots?Where am I now?Where am I going?What have I to do with time?What have I to do with history?What have I to do with the world?What do I have to do with the universe?Etc., etc.These questions are deep or superficial, or seemingly deep but actually superficial, or seemingly superficial but actually profound, or so naive and ridiculous that they are not worth asking at all.But I'm all the same into it and think about it.At the age of forty, I made a serious review of my past.At that time, I had not yet found a foothold in the foreign country of the United States, and I was struggling for survival. In order to avoid being lost in spirit, I had to know and identify myself, and then I would choose how to go. My hometown is in Haimen, Jiangsu, and I am very unfamiliar with that piece of hometown that is close to the river and the sea.I have only been there twice so far, one time when I was very young, I have no impression of it; the other time was to escort the ashes of my grandfather back to my hometown to be buried with my grandmother. heart.I remember that day we left the Hebin building early in the morning, took a car to the Shiliupu pier on the Bund, and boarded a large passenger ship called "Dongfanghong". The passenger ship sailed out of the Huangpu River and into the Yangtze River. It is near the Qinglong Port Wharf on the opposite bank of the Yangtze River.I have been standing on the deck, watching the scenery on both sides of the river and the boat on the river, imagining the scene when my grandfather and father came to Shanghai in a rickety boat.My father once told me that once he came to Shanghai on a covered boat, when the boat reached the middle of the river, there was a strong storm, and the boat swayed from side to side and almost capsized, which was very dangerous.However, today's large passenger ships still run steadily regardless of the wind and waves.After we went ashore, we drove to a place called Huolong Town, then we rode bicycles and walked, and we returned to my hometown when it was dark.In the early morning of the next day, my father took me for a walk in the fields around the house. He pointed and told me where my family’s fields used to be. I looked around carefully to see if there was anyone around. What made me even more nervous was that my ancestors owned such a large field.Later I asked my aunt quietly, and she told me that my grandfather was very rich and once built a big house, but he liked to drink, and once he was drunk, he fell into the hut, knocked it over and over again After lighting the oil lamps, a big fire burned down the whole house. From then on, the family business declined, and it was not until my grandfather revived the family business that some achievements were made.My grandmother is a woman with small feet. She stayed in her hometown and took care of this large field. When the farming season was busy, some strong laborers from the village were hired to help.My grandfather brought back a fixed amount of silver dollars every year, so the family was well off.During the land reform period, my family could have been rated as a rich peasant, but I don’t know why it was only rated as an upper middle peasant.In the middle is the dividing line between classes. Those who get higher ratings are the exploiting class, and those who get lower ratings are the exploited class.At this critical juncture, my family was determined to be an upper-middle peasant. I think there is a very important reason for this is the relationship between my grandfather and grandmother.My grandmother believed in Buddhism and was a vegetarian, although her face was serious, she was kind-hearted; my grandfather often received visitors from his hometown in the countryside in Shanghai, and every time he returned to his hometown in the countryside, he brought back various gifts to distribute to the villagers and neighbors. The usual good deeds finally paid off.This is a very important reward. If I was rated as a rich peasant, my family’s later life would be a different scene. When encountering the extraordinary period of the "Cultural Revolution", it is inevitable that we will have cramps and peel our skins.In those few days, I was busy with my father in my hometown, especially on a warm winter afternoon, my father and aunts put my grandfather’s ashes into a thick earthen jar and sealed them, and buried them next to my grandmother’s coffin. It's engraved on my heart.This may be what people later called the root.Roots are very important to people. With roots, there is a bottom. Know where you come from, and know where you are now.If a person has no bottom, does not know where he came from, and where he is now, then his spirit will be lost.Therefore, those who have no roots have to search hard for their roots, and those who have found their roots will find a soft bed in spirit, and they can lie down firmly. I was born in Shanghai. According to the locality, I can be regarded as a Shanghainese. When I was nine years old, I moved to Fuzhou with my family. Therefore, I have to be discounted as a Shanghainese.During the nine years I was in Shanghai, I lived in the riverside buildings by the Suzhou River, living an unremarkable life.My parents took my eldest brother to Fuzhou when I was four years old, and I was fostered by an old couple from northern Jiangsu at No. 15 on the fourth floor. They had no children, so they liked me very much. I called them Grandpa. grandmother.My younger brother was raised by my grandparents, and they lived in the sixth small room.Five years later, my parents had settled down in Fuzhou, so my father came to Shanghai to pick me up and my younger brother to live in Fuzhou. They thought that if their son was not around, their relationship would be gradually alienated.Sure enough, when I parted from my grandparents, I cried bitterly all night, and my grandparents were also sad for a few days, which further proved my parents' point of view.I remember that we left Shanghai for Fuzhou in winter. My brother and I were wearing cotton clothes and trousers, and my aunt inserted a green onion into the belt of our cotton trousers.At that time, my brother and I were a little sensible. We felt very embarrassed when we saw a green onion stuck in the belt of our cotton trousers. We were afraid of being seen by others. As soon as we got on the train, we helped each other remove the green onion from the belt of each other’s cotton trousers.To this day, I still don’t understand the meaning of planting green onions, whether it means to bless the journey, or whether it means that onions can live wherever they are inserted. I hope that people can live well in foreign lands like onions, or that onions symbolize roots. Even if you take green onions to the ends of the earth, remember your roots.Twenty-eight years later, when I was returning to Shanghai, I once asked my aunt what it meant to put green onions on us back then, and my aunt said she couldn't remember it.My aunt forgot, but I firmly remembered. I left Shanghai when I was nine years old, which means I spent my childhood in Shanghai.Childhood had a great influence on me, allowing me to know how people survive in a narrow space since I was a child, allowing me to develop my inner imagination in the narrow living space.And in the early 1960s, I was able to eat rice every day in Shanghai, and I was very lucky to escape the great hunger.I encountered two dangerous situations in my childhood, and both brushed shoulders with death.一次是在我一岁多的时候，也就是在我幼年的时候，一个冬天的中午，我母亲把我放在床上盖好被子，就到走廊阳台煤球炉上烧饭做菜去了。我躺在床上很不安分，手脚乱抓乱蹬，整个厚厚的大棉被严严实实盖住了我的脸。等到母亲烧好饭菜回到房间，掀开大棉被一看，我已经是满脸青白奄奄一息。母亲急忙推开窗户，把我抱到窗口吸收新鲜空气，很久我才慢慢转过气来。我后来听母亲说，再迟一步回房间，我就彻底完蛋。另外一次是在我五岁的时候，带我的外婆是大楼居委会负责四楼的小组长，这天她带我到一楼的居委会里去开会，我就乘机溜到门外面，看见马路对面的苏州河边堆放着鹅卵石，我兴奋的跑到马路对面，捡起两块鹅卵石，又闷头跑回来，刚刚跑到马路中央，只见一辆小轿车向我冲来，司机已经踩死刹车，车仍然以强烈的惯性冲来，一直到贴着我的身边才刹住。司机吓得满脸铁青，叫喊着跳下车来，我已经跑进会场躲进外婆的怀里，就看见司机站在门口对着人群找我。当时我并没有什么害怕，成年以后再回想起来就有些后怕，心里非常感激司机的机敏，保住了我的一条小命。我以小小年纪就在生死线上走了两趟，也算是见过世面，按我祖父的说法我的命很硬。二十多年后，我刚而立之年，上福州东郊的鼓岭避暑写作，同屋而住的是我很好的文坛朋友，他看了我的手掌之后大惊失色的说：“啊呀！兄弟你活不过四十。”我说我如果能活到三十九，也已经净赚三十四年。我有时候想，人生就像坐上一班车，有的人坐的时间长才下车；有的人坐的时间短就下车；有的人不想坐了跳下车；有的人想坐又坐不了了被抬下车。人人都希望坐车时间越长越好，哪怕没有座位站着，哪怕挤在角落和踏板上，好歹都在车上。像我祖父那样，不想坐车了就主动跳下车，还是极少数。如今我对生与死已经有一个很明确的态度：快快乐乐的活，平平静静的死。我死后一定默不作声主动去火葬场，只是我会对我儿子提一个小小的要求，不要放哀乐而放两首中外名曲。一首是中国的小提琴协奏曲《梁山泊与祝英台》；一首是外国的圆舞曲《蓝色多瑙河》。 我刚到美国的时候，就住在耶鲁校园的一条丁字路口旁的一幢红楼上，客厅兼书房的窗户远远对着一所殡仪馆，我多少次目睹美国人送葬的场景。风琴弹奏着悠扬的乐曲，人们穿着深色的礼服礼裙，捧着各种鲜花，用加长礼宾车为死者送行，场面宁静而庄重。因为生者（也包括死者）大都认为这是死者步入天堂又获得新生，所以人们没有悲哀也就犯不着痛哭。信教的人所以能安详甚至幸福而去，就是解决了生死问题，他们确信在人间的死亡就是在天堂的新生。1999年12月13日下午1点16分，我在西海文的公寓里修改这部中篇正写到这里，就听到有人敲门，我起身去打开了门，就见一个高个披着风衣的金发女郎站在门口，她的身后站着一个同样高个却瘦骨如柴的老太太。金发女郎温柔的对我说：“你好，先生。我叫玛瑞，这位是我的妈妈。请问先生你的名字？”我告诉了她我的名字，她伸出手来握了我一把，然后指着手上一本塑料小书向我介绍。我用手示意她停说，并解释我的英语很贫乏，有些听不明白她的介绍。突然老太太插上来问我：“你是中国人？”我说我是中国人。老太太很高兴的从女儿皮包的隔层里抽出一张一折三的中文纸页递给我。我看见首页上画着一个人面对着地球，下面是一行赫然问句：“这个世界会继续存留吗？”我明白这对母女原来是来传教的。母女俩跟我握手告别，充满收获的愉快下楼去了。我关上门后非常惊奇，怎么我写到这个问题的时候，传教女士翩然而至？我是个无神论者，既不相信神也不相信鬼，但是我不得不惊奇这件事上的巧合。我展开纸页读着上面的文字，因为这世界是否继续存留显然与我有关，我就仔细读下去：“历史上从没有一个时代象我们现今这么时常听到有人谈及世界末日。许多人恐惧世界会在一场核子浩劫中消灭。有些人认为污染会把这个世界毁了。还有些人则担心经济混乱会导致人类以庞大的规模互相残杀。这个世界真的会消灭吗？若然，这意味到什么？以往曾有一个世界消灭吗？”纸页上说：“挪亚在世的那个极度邪恶的世界被水淹没就消灭了……只保留了传义道的挪亚一家八口，从普世的洪水中生还。地球这颗行星和美丽的星空亦得以存留……后来，随着挪亚的后代继续增加，另一个世界便形成了。这第二个世界或事物制度一直存留至今。它的历史充满了战争、罪行和暴行。这个世界会有什么遭遇？它会继续存留吗？”于是纸页上第二节就开始描述“这个世界的前途”和世界末日的种种“标记”。归纳起来有五种世界末日的“标记”：“一、民要攻打民，国要攻打国。现代所发生的战争是有史以来规模最庞大的。一位历史家写道：第一次世界大站（始于1914年）是世上的第一场总体战。然而，第二次世界大战的破坏力却大的多。至今战争仍继续蹂躏地球。二、多处必有饥荒。第一次世界大战之后，接踵而来的饥荒很可能是有史以来最严重的。第二次世界大战之后也发生可怕的饥荒。现今世上有五分之一的人营养不良，每年有1400万儿童因此丧生。三、地要大大震动。自1914年以来，每年死于地震的平均人数大约相当于以往各世纪每年死于地震的平均人数的十倍。1920年，有20万人在中国丧生；1923年，日本有近10万人死亡；1939年，土耳其有3万2千多人丧生；1970年，秘鲁有6万6千多人丧生；1976年，中国有24万人伤亡。毫无疑问，地的确大大震动！四、多处必有瘟疫。第一次世界大战结束后，有2100万人死于西班牙流行性感冒。《科学文摘》报导说，历史上从没见过死亡以如此猛烈迅速的方式打击人类。自那时以来，心脏病、癌症、爱滋病以及其他传染病夺去千千万万人的性命。五、不法的事情增多。自1914年以来世上充斥着种种罪行和强暴。在许多地方，人们甚至日间在街上行走也不感到安全。晚上人们则躲在重门深锁的家里不敢外出。”纸页上最后归纳总结说：“这意味到世界末日已迫在眉睫了。但值得庆幸的是，届时会有生还的人。圣经宣告这世界……正在消逝之后，接着应该说，实行上帝旨意的人要永远生存。因此，我们必须认识上帝的旨意，并且切实遵守。这样，我们便能够渡过这世界的末日，在上帝的新世界里永享无穷的幸福。”我第二天去公司询问一个正在信教的同事，他说，她们是上帝派来的。我请他能不能详细解释一下。他说，这没办法解释，我也解释不了，反正，他们是上帝派来的。我同事说这些话的时候很真诚，而且我也很相信他的真诚。我默然无言，生活中很多事情没办法解释，就像我有时候也没办法解释自己。