Chapter 7 7. First person

That fall, I was allocated a house. The house was not bad, but it was too high. It was on the 21st floor and far away from the urban area.I took a half-day off to see the house, took the car for nearly two hours, and it was already past four o'clock in the afternoon when I got off.I saw the building at a glance, as I was told, there was only one building in the area for several miles.The building is white, surrounded by green brick courtyard walls.The environment is also good, with woods on three sides and a river in the south.The river flows from west to east, as I was told, the courtyard walls of green bricks line the bank, and a small bridge goes straight to the gate of the courtyard.

Still, I wanted to make sure I was in the right place when I walked through the gate.There is a huge sycamore tree near the west courtyard wall, and a girl sits in the quiet shade with her back against the tree trunk.I walked over to her and asked her if this was the building I was looking for. I didn't think my voice was very low.She raised her head, seemed to glance at me, and then returned to her original posture, looking down at the ever-changing spots of light in the shade of the autumn sun, as if I no longer existed.I stood there waiting for a while, and heard her murmur, "Let it be." Although the voice was soft, every word was clear.I nodded, convinced that I no longer existed; her mind was still in a wonderful world, disturbed only by a mundane noise.I was a little sorry, a little ashamed of myself, so I turned around backwards and walked straight to the door of the building.I don't think this building is not that building.

The building is almost empty and no residents have moved in yet.The elevators were locked and no one was running.My heart is somewhat troubled, but since I'm here, I shouldn't look at the stairs and just go back. As long as the speed is not required, I don't think I will have any problems climbing to the 21st floor. "Let it be", that's what the girl said, and it seemed that this was an appropriate advice, so I took a deep breath and started to crawl.Climbing to the third floor, taking a breath, I poked my head out of the window to look at the girl again, she was still sitting there with her head slightly drooped, her hands resting casually on her knees, in a trance, the tree shadows and the sun's light were shining on her. On the elegant long skirt, there is no sound. "Let it take its course", that's what she said. When she said this, she didn't actually see me, and she didn't even hear the ordinary sound at all.I couldn't see her face but I felt the peace and intoxication of her expression.The invisible autumn wind passed over the huge plane tree, making a soft and dignified sound.In autumn, when the sun is about to set, leave home alone, shut the gradually rising dusk in the house, walk freely along the wild path, follow the smell of grass, trees and soil, who is thisGo to a secluded place, facing a high-rise building that is still uninhabited, sit down, lean on a century-old tree, sit in its swaying shade, sit in its whispering sound, and make it your own place, who is she?Think about things near and far away, think about things that are very real and very ethereal, and sink into the mystery of nature... Who is such a person?An enviable woman.

And I still have to keep climbing my stairs.I don’t know how the mystery of nature arranged for me. For example, climbing stairs, for example, there will be a house that belongs to me on the twenty-first floor. When was this matter destined?How was it destined?On the fourth and fifth floors, I have to rest again.To be honest, taking a rest is secondary, and I can't forget the girl for a moment while climbing.I mean no harm, I just want to see her one more time, I'm afraid she's gone.I just want to take a look at her again, and see her calm and leisurely sitting alone under the big tree meditating.I looked down, she didn't go away, she was still sitting there alone, in the same posture... But at this time, I saw another person.

A man, outside the west courtyard wall, walked back and forth along the courtyard wall.I didn't see him just now, and I couldn't see him just now because the courtyard wall blocked it. The courtyard wall is quite high, and now I'm on the fifth floor, even then I can only see his head and shoulders.He walked up and down like he was trapped in a cage, and then stopped for a while, looking into the distance and smoking one puff after another, then walked back and forth, and then stopped to smoke hard, looking at the distant woods.I can even hear his footsteps: disturbed, disturbed.I even heard the sound of him striking a match: breaking one after another.The place where he stopped was also in the shade of that sycamore tree, only separated from the girl by a wall.The presence of this man drew my attention to a small door not far from them in the northwest corner of the courtyard wall.Needless to say, that small door has always been there, but it was ignored just now, and now it is particularly conspicuous.Who is he?Who is he to her?One is inside the door, the other is outside the door, there is no one around, no one else nearby, what's going on?The man is upset and restless, the woman is silent and in a trance, what happened?What happened between them?A slanting sun came through the gap in the middle of the small door, lying in the damp shadow under the wall, it was bright and sad. "Let it be," the girl said. What did she mean? What does "go with the flow" mean?Did she have to leave him?had to leave him?Yes, yes, if you have to do this, you can only let nature take its course.She had to, that is to say, she still loved him, but there was nothing she could do. "Go with the flow", isn't it?When she said this, her tone was empty, and her eyes were full of confusion.She didn't see me at all, and of course she couldn't have heard what I was asking.She was full of worries, with only the joy and bitterness of the past in front of her eyes, but she finally had no way out.What about the one outside the wall?He loved her crazily, wanted to make her happy, and hoped that she would be happier because of him, but he did not expect to put her in such a painful situation.He didn't expect it to be like this, he thought it was enough for him to love her and she also loved him, he didn't expect the world to be so big and life to be so inextricably linked.

"As long as you're happy," he might have said at the end. The woman sat under the tree with her eyes lowered, and the man walked beside her, around her, and in front of her eyes. "As long as you feel happy, I can do anything." He said to her. "Otherwise you don't have to be afraid, otherwise you have to show courage." "Are you talking? It's been so long, you have to give me a positive answer." The woman was speechless.Affirmation and negation are not such simple logic. The man said: "I'll just wait for your word, yes or no."

The man said: "The key is what you think, the key is how you feel to be happy." The man said: "I don't want you to decide right away, but I need to know what you think is better." The woman couldn't say anything.How better?Maybe it's better that you and I never know each other, maybe it's better that people never love.There will never be a person like you, never such an autumn, such an empty afternoon sun and such a large shade of a tree, never will there be.Such two long and unstable legs, such a pair of thin and agile feet, crushing the fallen leaves like this, don't have it, and there is a long-lasting sound when the fallen leaves are broken, don't have it, never have it...

"Are you talking?" said the man. "I don't know what you mean by not saying anything." "I don't see why my question is difficult to answer." "I don't know what else I can say, what else I can do." "Okay, okay, maybe I shouldn't pester you like this anymore, maybe I should walk away wisely." "Okay, I'll go. I didn't expect that I would make it difficult for you. I just want to say one more thing: as long as you can be happy, I will do whatever I want." After saying something like this, he turned and walked out of the small door.She didn't stop him, she really didn't have the strength to stop him.She heard him go out of the small door, and she listened desperately to the departing footsteps, holding her breath and listening, listening: the familiar voice did not go far.She breathed a sigh of relief; or on the contrary, despaired even deeper.She heard him wandering outside the wall all the time, heard him smoking, heard him sighing, heard his heart sobbing.She could completely imagine his pain, but she didn't know what to do, and the only answer she could get was "let it be".The wind passed through the thick broad leaves of the plane tree, and passed through the woods near and far.why?Parents object?Why else?Oh, I'd better climb my stairs, I'm here to see my house, what I can do is send myself to the twenty-first floor.

But maybe she didn't love him?Or was she once in love with him, and now she no longer loves him? "But why?" the man said, "I don't want to force you, but I need to know why." It's not that she doesn't want to tell him, she really doesn't know how to say it.It seems that there are many reasons, but when I want to talk about it, I can't explain it clearly. There are indeed many reasons, but when I want to talk about it, I can't seem to find it. "Let it be," she said, she had always said this to him, and now she still said it to him in her heart, and she also said it to herself.There is no way to prove whether you love or not, you can only let nature take its course.The man ran to the wall.Either sad, or angry, the man turned and walked through the small door to the wall.Either love, or hate, the man walked out of the small door without saying anything.But he couldn't leave her after all, he didn't want to leave after all, he was anxious and irritable and helpless, standing there looking around blankly.The sun was approaching the forest, and the calls of gray magpies came and went.The woman listened worriedly to his movements on the other side of the wall, and she couldn't leave, she was afraid that he might do anything.But what to do?There was nothing to do but to let nature take its course, to pray silently, which was wise and right.

I climbed to the seventh floor.Looking down from the seventh floor, looking over the dense treetops nearby, I saw a tombstone in the woods. First I saw one, then two, and then three. When I looked closely, there were many scattered around. Know that there is a cemetery.So it turned out that the man had been looking at the cemetery.Oh, it turned out to be like this, so the woman was in a plain attire.Today may be the memorial day for the dead, and the two of them came here to have a look.Death has always been the most mysterious thing.A living person is gone, a living soul, who can think, talk, laugh and love...but suddenly it is gone. It used to be so close. You can see him whenever you want. If you have anything to say, you want to talk to him. He said you can tell him, but he is dead, you will never see him, if you forget to tell him something, you will never be able to tell him.Until a long time later, until many years later, the woman came to the grave of the dead and still could not accept this fact.Cultivate a handful of soil in front of the grave, sprinkle a glass of wine in front of the grave, and place a bouquet of wild flowers, but what about people?Dead, gone, not found, not found anywhere and never to be found.Sitting by the grave, the woman felt cold in her body and heart.

The man advised her: "This is the law of nature, you should understand that this is the inevitable destination." Looking at the unmistakable tomb, she still couldn't believe that death was so cruel. "Don't be like this, okay? Don't be like this." The man persuaded her with a gentle and humble tone, as if it was his mistake. "To live, you have to learn to forget." The man said. The woman looks at the tomb, and always sees a living voice and smile, but still can't imagine what death is all about. The man said: "You have to think, he is gone, he is free. You have to think that we are still alive." "You and I," the man said, "we're together, and I'm with you." For a long time, the woman left the tomb and walked blindly in the woods, her long skirt fluttering like a wandering spirit.She walked out of the woods, and there was a white building surrounded by a long green brick courtyard wall.She walked through the small door, here is good, such a lonely big tree makes people calm, as if they have something to rely on. "Will you leave me alone for a while, leave me alone for a while?" she said.She didn't look back, she knew the man had been following her.The man obediently walked away and walked out of the small door.She sat down against the big tree. It was better here, an empty building that was not inhabited yet.Strange places are good for forgetting the past, and the gently sliding shade and quietly falling leaves are just the place for a sad heart.Let it be, let it be, she thought, really he was right that death is not necessarily so terrible. "Let it be", she said softly, maybe she thought the man had come in, maybe she was saying to the dead person in the dark, she didn't see who I was at all, and didn't understand what I was asking at all.The man waited outside the small gate, and the eternal sadness of the woman often made him embarrassed.He didn't know whether he respected or envied the dead man, or even a little hated, and often at this time he didn't even know whether he was a kind person or a narrow-minded wicked person.He came with her, he promised to accompany her every year, he knew that what he said would be fulfilled, but he also knew and only he knew, how much he wanted her to forget that person, forever.He looked at the woods and the grave in the woods, begging God to bless him or forgive him: just let that person really die, and he and she will never come here again, never come to this place again. It's the ninth floor, and the autumn wind in the evening is a bit tight. If there is a strong wind tonight, most of the leaves will fall off tomorrow.At this time, the light of the setting sun was almost flat, and I saw the man outside the wall covering his eyebrows with one hand and looking intently into the woods. It was the direction he had just hoped for, which was the direction of the sunset.In that direction, I saw two intersecting roads exposed in the woods. The gray road surface was a bit dazzling in the sunny place, one running east-west, and the other running north-south.I saw a suburban bus stop at the far end (that is, the west end) of the east-west road.I saw a shuttle bus arrive at this time, and some people got off the bus.The man outside the wall was looking there, staring at those people without moving.It looked like he was waiting for someone.Then the car drove away and the men dispersed and went their separate ways.Probably all came to visit the grave, and some held flowers in their hands.He lowered his hand slowly, took out a cigarette and held it in his mouth, and began to walk back and forth while lighting the cigarette, but at this moment, he seemed to have discovered something again, raised his hand on his forehead and looked over there: There is a woman coming this way.Probably the woman went astray just now, and now she turned around and came this way.The snow-white windbreaker is particularly eye-catching, appearing and disappearing in the woods.The man's head turned slowly, and his eyes followed the woman.But the woman stopped again, looked around for a while, turned and went north, the white windbreaker was hidden in the woods to the north.The man just started smoking.No problem, he must be waiting for someone.Who are you waiting for?Waiting for a woman?Oh ho, so it turned out that he was waiting for another woman, and they had arranged to meet at this empty building on the east side of the woods. "The building is white, with a green brick wall. Get out of the car and go east, through a forest and through a cemetery." "A cemetery?" "Yes, I'll wait for you there." It may be at the intersection of a small street; it may be when they are all busy going to work; maybe the road is full of traffic and people; or there may be few pedestrians on the street, and the city is still light blue among. "What did you say, there is a cemetery next to it?" "It's okay, it's not scary at all." Probably on a Saturday or Sunday night, at the station near her dormitory, the last time they parted.The sky was dark, it was going to rain, the wind was blowing in gusty gusts, and the humidity was spreading through the night.Maybe after the rain, there are no pedestrians, and the wet street lights shine like a river still dressed up after a celebration. "Really, not scary. A nice cemetery." "East? Far?" "No, it's not far. You'll see it when you get off the bus. The building is very tall." Maybe it was almost midnight, in a dark corner of a night restaurant, occasionally there was the lonely whistle of a night walker on the street, and the shop was about to close... "That building has twenty-one floors, and it's white." "A courtyard wall made of blue bricks?" "Yes, I'll wait for you there." But what about the woman behind the wall?Who is she?What is she here for?Maybe she has nothing to do with the man outside the wall?Does it really matter?She sat silently under the big tree. She sat behind the big tree. If you pay close attention, you will see that she, the big tree, and the small door are in a straight line. Can't see her.why?The man couldn't see her, but she could hear everything outside the wall.Besides, why didn't the man wait for his friend at the station?Why do you have to hide here and look around? "Let it be," the woman said.If her husband had fallen in love with another woman, what could she do if she found out about it?Pain, yes, she will be in pain, she will cry, she will quarrel, she will quarrel, but what can she do in the end? "Nothing, no," said the man, "nothing at all." But after he said that, she knew he was still dating that woman, so what? "No! No!" She still cried and shouted, "No, this won't work! No..." "Why are you so vulgar?" the man said, "Why are you so narrow?" The man said, "I didn't expect you to That's right, she's just a friend, a very ordinary friend." However, he spent more and more time with this ordinary friend than with her, when he was with this ordinary friend Talking and laughing is very exciting, but when we are with her, we talk less and less and become more and more dull, what can she do? "For the sake of the child," she told him.She didn't want to argue anymore, and she didn't have the strength to cry anymore, she said, "You don't want me, but you have to think about our children." "Okay, okay," the man said, "Since you must think this way, I don't need to Get in touch with her again." But after he said this, he continued to get in touch with that woman behind her back, if so, what else could she do?She can sue him, she can also cause troubles in the neighborhood, she can leave him, but she loves him, love is as inexplicable as death, she doesn't want to hurt him, and she doesn't want to leave him ,what to do?This obsessed woman, she followed him, and she saw him walking up and down outside the wall, waiting anxiously for his ordinary friend.She quietly walked around to the other side of the empty building, walked across the small bridge and entered the gate, walked under the big sycamore tree, listened for a while, and heard that the man was still outside the wall. She didn't want him to find out, so she hid under the sycamore tree. Behind the thick trunk of the tree.She was wondering what she wanted to do here?Maybe make her presence known to that woman?Maybe talk to that woman face to face?Maybe debunking men's lies on the spot?But what's the use?What's the point?If he doesn't love you anymore, if he longs so much for another woman, what can you expect from him?I had to let nature take its course, let him go, only let him go. "Let it be", when she said this, it was like a graveyard in her heart. She didn't notice anyone coming, and she didn't remember anyone asking her anything.The sun has completely set behind the woods, the evening wind is heavy, and the huge sycamore tree becomes dark and lonely, those swaying and dancing shadows and light spots are just like the past, like yesterday, quietly and unknowingly gone; of course they will be here again tomorrow.Let's go, where are we going?Go home, what is home?Just stay like this?How long will you stay?Doesn't matter?casual?Either way, let nature take its course.I have to go, I still have a dozen floors to climb. My house is really not bad. It has two rooms and one living room. The large one is nearly 16 square meters, five meters long and 3.17 meters wide, and the small one is five meters long and 2.4 meters wide, which is 12 square meters.It is a miracle that a bachelor like me has such a house.The living room is seven square meters, and the kitchen is almost five square meters. After all, I cook and eat alone, which is enough.The toilet is actually separated from the washroom, which is beyond my expectation.The closet is large enough to sleep the next person.What about the balcony?One meter two times two meters one, how much is it?You can overlook the woods from the balcony.Under the unpredictable autumn sky, the woods are colorful, the maple leaves are already red, the ginkgo is all golden, the pines and cypresses are so green that they are black, and white tombstones are dotted among them.I thought, do I want a tombstone in the future?If you want to stand where?Do you want to engrave some words on it?What words are engraved?For a long period of time, some people would come to my grave from time to time. On rainy days, windy days, snowy days, and sunny days, they walked by my grave and recited the words on the stele. words and then walked away, who are they?Will they think about who is buried in the grave and what kind of experience this person has had?Would they have thought that the person in the tomb had imagined their arrival?There may be a few people who were destined to walk by my grave have now been born and they are walking towards my tombstone, of course they still have a long way to go before that, there are many things to happen in sequence, unpredictable Which way they will come, because I am not dead yet, and the time and place cannot be determined, but such a thing must happen, a man who must pass my grave has already set off, and he will The child may be in Africa, or it may be as far as I can see.As I was thinking this way, I suddenly saw a child in the woods. It was a baby, and he could only be seen on the twenty-first floor.He is lying behind a tombstone in the faint red light of the setting sun, beside him is a baby carriage with some colorful toys in it, he is wrapped in a pink blanket with only a small face exposed .He slept soundly and quietly, and nothing seemed to disturb him.Who is he?Whose child is it?What about adults?Where are his parents?Why haven't you come back for so long?There was no one around, I could see clearly from the 21st floor, there was no one near or far.Why don't kids sleep in the car instead of on the grass?God!I get it: Abandoned babies!I suddenly understood what was going on: the man outside the wall!And that woman in the wall!The man had been watching his child all the time. He walked back and forth outside the wall, watching his child from a distance, and also looked at the station, to see who would come to take his child away.He had to abandon his child, but he was worried. He wanted to see with his own eyes who took the child away.Why is that, young father?And the mother in the wall, why should this be?The mother couldn't bear to watch this scene, she avoided it, she walked into the small door, she didn't even have the strength to stand, sitting under the big tree was like sitting in a nightmare, she was listening to the child crying, she She was wondering if there were enough toys for the child, she was listening to the sounds in the woods in the distance, and she was wondering what the child's destiny was.Yes, how surprised she was when she looked at me just now. She didn't expect someone to come from the south gate. "Let it be," she said with such desperation.Maybe I look like a kind person, but I didn't go to the small door, and she couldn't tell me "Go to the woods, thank you, and raise that child for us", she thought helplessly: By the way It's natural, let it be.It was getting darker and darker, and the child was still having sweet dreams.Does he dream?What can he dream of?no no!not like this!I thought, no matter what happened, it shouldn't be like this.I go downstairs.My heart was somewhat troubled, but going downstairs was better than going upstairs anyway.There was a rest on the fourteenth floor, and another rest on the seventh floor. When I got downstairs, I felt that there was no other change except that my heart beat a little more lively. The woman was still there, her hands on her knees, her palms facing the sky, her eyes closed, sitting under the big plane tree, motionless.I stood beside her for a while, but she didn't seem to notice.I think men should go and talk to men.I walked to the small door, pushed it but didn't open it, and pulled it again, but it didn't open. It turned out that the door was locked with a big lock from the outside.Strange, so how did this woman get in?My brain, like my heart, isn't very good, and it took me a while to remember how I got in here.I ran to the gate on the south side. I wanted to go around to the west side of the building. It was best to go to the woods to see the child first. It was late and cold, and the child should not be sick. Then I had to talk to the young father first. Talk, and if possible with the mother. "What are you doing, what are you doing!" "What's the big deal? Haven't been married? If you haven't been married, hurry up and get married before it's too late." "Don't do this. What?" "Don't be afraid of anything, let others talk, 'Go your own way and let others talk', this is what a big man said." "Look, how good and obedient this child is. , illegitimate children are smart and will become great people in the future, and big people should not be thrown in the grave." But, but!In front of the southern gate is a river, which I almost forgot.The river flows close to the green brick courtyard wall, and there is no distance between the courtyard wall and the river. You can only go to the south bank through the small bridge, and you cannot go around to the west of the courtyard wall.I crossed the small bridge and walked west for a long time, but I couldn't find a place to cross the river.I walked eastward along the bank of the river again. After walking for a long time, there was still no place where I could cross the river.What's going on here?The courtyard wall is quite high, let alone a woman, it is difficult for even a man to jump over it.I went on, thinking there must be a way to cross the river.After walking for a long time, the twilight was already thick, and there was still no place to cross the river.I thought that the place where I could cross the river was probably on the west side, so I went back.After walking for a while, I met a woman, and I said, "Excuse me, where can I cross the river?" "Cross the river?" She looked around.At this time, I saw that she was the woman who was sitting under the big sycamore tree just now. "To the west, there is a bridge about 500 meters away," she said. I said, "Where are you going?" She looked at me suspiciously for a while, "Go home!" "Then, what about him?" "Who?" "Who is that man outside the wall?" "Man? Nonsense! What are you doing?" "Okay, let's not talk about that," I said, "and the kids?" "Child? What child?" "The kid in the woods to the west!" She smiled: "Are you okay?" After saying that, she turned around and wanted to leave. "There's an abandoned child over there! Listen, we've got to get the child home anyway at this late hour! Say it again, where's the bridge?" Facts have proved that my heart is not bad, I ran all the way to the woods, the heart is still working normally.I found the tombstone, I'm sure it's the one, I swear I'm not mistaken I won't admit it.But there was nothing in front of the tombstone, no children, no prams.I hurried to see the man, he was still outside the west wall, he was arranging a pile of painting tools, brushes, painting boxes, paints, bottles and jars spread out under the wall; The painting of "The Graveyard" has been completed and stands aside.I approached him and asked him: "Didn't you see a child in the woods?" "Child? What kind? How big is it?" "It's very small, maybe a month or two." How did you lose him, he can't run by himself?" We both looked into the woods.I walked back and forth a few times along the green brick wall from south to north and from north to south, but I couldn't see it, and I couldn't see the tombstone from here.At this time the woman also came, and I described to them what I saw just now, and I said to them: "Please believe that the most useful organ in my body is the eyes." I said to them: "Really Yeah, don't you just stare at me like there's something wrong with me." I said to them, "If we're the director, you'll be convinced that I'm one of the normal people." I said, "Would you like to go over there again with me?" The man said, "I don't doubt your honesty, but can you prove yourself that you see everything around you? Sorry, I have to go home." The woman said, "Okay, I'll take a look with you." I could see that she was just worried about my situation. We walked into the woods and walked up to the tombstone.Yes, no, nothing.I sat down by the tombstone, and I said, "Go home, don't you want to go home? Go back." She sat down beside me.I said, "It's okay, you don't have to worry about me. I'm a little tired and I want to rest here for a while." She reached out and felt for my pulse. I said: "Maybe the painter is right, maybe the parents of the child are nearby." "But maybe we're not wrong, the baby was taken away while we were looking for the bridge," she said. I said, "Why don't we take a look around?" We walked all over the wood together until it was quite dark. I said, "Who do you think he will be taken away by?" She said, "I think a good person took her away, what do you think?" I said, "In your opinion, what is the fate of the child?" "Let it be," she said. That's how we got to know each other.Who expected it?Two years later she became my wife and three years later she became the mother of my son. 1990